Chapter 23: Spoke To A Baphomet, Told Me It Was Alright

Disclaimer: I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion. It belongs to Hideaki Anno, Gainax, and Tatsunoko Productions. I only own the characters I made up.

The sound of a heart monitor sharply cuts its way into my ear drums, as the smell of chemicals assault my nose. The bright whites of the hospital room are painful to look at, and the wooden stool I'm sitting on is uncomfortable. To my right, at the far end of the room, is a large window filtering the sun's natural light. But, through some natural phenomenon I don't bother caring about, the light is a dull white. This makes the already painfully white room even more. . .unpleasant.

Bringing my gaze to the front of the room, I spot a bed, a heart monitor, and a series of wires. Lying on the bed, completely unaware of her environment, is Asuka Langley Soryu. No tubes were stuck in her, at least not anymore. Apparently, she's fully capable of breathing on her own. Though the wires she's attached to will alert medical staff if something's gone wrong.

What's wrong with her? Officially, Asuka's in a state resembling catatonia. What caused this is. . .well. . .a little complicated.

Two weeks ago, after Nerv took their time getting to Asuka and me, Asuka was immediately taken to the hospital wing of Nerv where her heart had to be restarted. Another week passed before they came up with an explanation as to what caused Asuka's heart to stop. The short answer. . .there was no cause. The long answer, well, it was theorized that the last Angel messed with Asuka's mind to such an extent. . .it somehow inexplicably caused health problems. A "super nocebo", as one doctor called it.

In layman's terms, negative thoughts are causing Asuka to not respond to any sort of stimulus.

Sadness, anger, trauma. . .fear. Any of these emotions could have pushed Asuka into the state she's in. Which. . .confirmed what I already knew.

This was all my fault.

With limited options, doctors had Misato and I visit Asuka everyday, saying our "positive" influence would improve the redhead's health. In all honesty, they probably said that to give Misato and I some semblance of hope. There's no way of knowing if our words would bring Asuka back. My suspicion was confirmed, for after a week of visiting Asuka, nothing about her condition changed.

Which brings me back to now, where I just sit and watch the girl I. . .love, waste away.

I mutter a prayer for Asuka to get better. As usual, that effort is fruitless. Lately. . .it feels like God's been ignoring me. Or maybe. . .I don't know.

I tap my hand against my knee and attempt to speak to the unconscious girl.

"Umm, hey." I bite the inside of my cheek then clear my throat. "Well. . .nothing much has changed while you were here. I mean, I guess the only noticeable change is that I don't need a cane anymore."

As if to demonstrate, I move my legs a bit.

"Misato misses you. She's not worried, at least that's what she tells me, but. . . it's clear she misses you." A hollow laugh escapes my lips. "According to her, you're too strong to let something like this keep you down. She told me stories of how tough you were when you were under her care. That you never gave up, no matter how hard things got. Heh, she also said you were stubborn and made things difficult, so I guess not much has changed since then."

I frown. "So. . .get better. I know something like this can't keep you down. You always bounce back. Besides. . .it's been quiet without. . ."

I let out a frustrated grunt as I cradled my head. Thoughts of the conversations leading up to this moment keep rushing through my head. Every time I think about that talk I had with Asuka, every time I review that conversation, I couldn't find any way to justify what I said.

"I'm sorry," I croak out. This must've been the millionth time I've said this to her. "I should have noticed how you felt. I should've noticed you were hurting!"

My fingers dig into my skull as I continue think about how stupid I am. "What the hell is wrong with me?! I thought I was doing the right thing by telling you the truth. That giving you false hope would be the worst thing I could do." My breathing quickens. "But I was wrong. Like always, I find some way to screw things up! And because of my screw ups. . .you ended up here."

I stop cradling my head, then let out an almost manic laugh. "And you know what's the worst part? You're the one who's hurting. You're the one who suffered. Yet, somehow, I turned this situation into another reason to feel sorry for myself!" I continue laughing, as a tear rolls down my cheek. I then look at Asuka, as if expecting a reaction. As usual, she doesn't respond.

"Isn't that fucked?!" I ask the body. "Isn't that so fucking disgusting, that I made this situation all about me?! Is it. . ." I stop myself, jaw quivering as I continue staring at the form which had once been Asuka.

Can she even hear me?

"I never deserved you." A lump develops in my throat. "I-"

I close my eyes as I tightly grip the cross around my neck. I can't stay here.

"I'm sorry."

I get out of my chair and leave the room. Quickly, I go into one of the restrooms, my heart feeling like it's gonna burst out of my chest. Leaning against one of the sinks, I attempt to calm myself. It feels like I'm gonna puke.

I'm such a coward. I'm so fucking weak. I'm so fucking useless! I'm. . .I'm. . .

Looking from the sink and to the mirror, I take a long hard look at myself. A face full of scars, both subtle and not so subtle, twisted into something almost inhuman, is staring back at me.

I don't recognize this. . .thing. Nothing about it is familiar.

I punch the mirror and it shatters. Parts of the mirror cut my hand, causing it to bleed all over the place. Slowly, I bring my hand closer to myself, and stare at the appendage. I just stare at it, as if expecting all the blood to disappear.

. . .

I don't feel anything.

I'm inside one of the many hallways of Nerv, sitting on a bench while Misato leans against a wall, staring at me. I avoid the woman's gaze, trying to think of a way to get out of this situation. Misato, meanwhile, appears to be struggling to conjure up a conversation. Neither of us necessarily want to have this talk, but I guess it's imperative to know whether or not I'm. . .stable.

"Soo. . . how was your visit?"

In response to her stupid question, I motioned to my bandaged right hand.

She stares at me for a while, then exhales. "Do you want to talk about it?"

I take a good minute to think up my response. "No."

Misato makes a noise similar to a grunt before looking in some random direction. She frowns.

"Michael, you know what I'm gonna say."

I shrug. "I just lost my cool. That's all that happened. *Sigh* I'm fine, really. There's no need to delay things, I'm ready to pilot."

"This is more than just about you being able to pilot," she stresses. "You've always had this habit of bottling up your emotions, and that always led to you being in more pain. I don't want that for you. I'm just. . .trying to help."

"No one asked you to do that."

"It's my responsibility," she responds. "And I don't need to be asked to care about someone."

I roll my eyes. "I'm pretty sure if Shinji hadn't died, you wouldn't even be talking to me."

She goes quiet. "That's not fair."

I deflate at her tone. "I know. . .sorry."

Why did I even bring him up?

Silence once again returns to the area. Looking out the window, I see the sun's starting to set. I didn't think I was at Nerv this long. Where does the time go?

"I've. . .been having these weird dreams lately." In response to my sudden statement, Misato looks at me. She patiently waits for me to gather my thoughts, and once I have, she listens very closely. "Or. . .maybe I've been having these dreams since day one? I honestly don't know anymore."

"Anyway, in these dreams, I'm in a completely white room devoid of anything. And in that white room. . . is Shinji." I can tell the entire mood of the area has darkened. Bringing my attention back to Misato, I notice she has an unreadable expression.

"Does. . .does he say anything," asks the woman.

"He asks me questions," I tell her. "He asks, so many questions, and I'm always hesitant to answer. One question he's been asking lately. . .was whether or not I wanted to stay in this world." I rub my bandaged hand. "I never really gave him a straight answer. I mean, how could I? Despite everything this world throws at me, I eventually found something I liked about it. Still, I don't belong here. There's still someone back home I need to protect. But the thing is. . .I hated home. Whenever I was there, I felt sick to my stomach. Still, it was home."

I let out a long exhale. "So, it's either a choice between the happiness I found here, or the responsibility I have at home. How could I make that choice? There's no way someone like me could make that choice!" I shake my head. "At least. . .that's what I thought. Now, I think I've made my decision."

The frown I was already wearing deepens. "The first chance I get, I'm leaving this place and never looking back. My world may be shitty, and filled with equally shitty people, but at least there, I'm not the center of attention. At least there. . .running away is an option."

I grab my cross. "Perhaps that makes me a shitty person, but that's how I feel. Besides, I'm not good at being a 'good person' anyway."

There was a long pause, which caused me to look back at Misato. Her face is still unreadable, though I can tell she was conflicted. She then closes her eyes.

"If. . .that's what you want, then. . .I'll support you."

She stops leaning against the wall, walks over to where I am, then offers her hand. "Let's go. We're going to be late."

I look at Misato's hand for a moment, then grab a hold of it. Pulling me to my feet, she leads me out of the hallway.

Upon arriving at the testing area, I was made to get into my new plugsuit. It's identical to the last one, though it seems even tighter which was. . .irritating. After getting dressed, Misato and I were briefed by Maya. This kind of info dump is usually something Ritsuko would do, but I haven't seen her for two weeks, which was odd.

Anyway, the briefing consisted of Maya telling us what precautions were taken during this particular test.

As it turns out, everyone was a bit. . .hesitant for me to pilot Unit-01. They were worried about the potential danger this particular Eva posed to myself, as well as the staff. According to Ritsuko, if Unit-01 transforms again, it could kill a lot of people. So Nerv's taking a huge risk letting me pilot again. Still, despite the danger, recent events had forced Nerv's hand. With Asuka. . .out of commission, we're gonna need every remaining pilot available.

So after Maya's briefing, I was immediately sent into Unit-01 to undergo sync testing.

During the entire test, Unit-00 was also there, pointing a Sonic Glaive at my chest. One of several precautions taken.

As well as an Eva pointing a weapon at me, my Eva had multiple restraints placed upon it, as well as several explosives attached to all the major joints. The idea was that if my Eva went berserk and couldn't be shut down, then Rei would cut down Unit-01, then forcibly extract my entry plug. If Unit-01 broke its restraints, then the explosives attached to its joints would be set off, temporarily immobilizing the machine.

The entire setup made me feel like a caged animal.

An hour passed and nothing of note happened. I kept a steady sync ratio as the staff scanned my brain for any abnormalities. The entire test is supposed to last for two hours unfortunately. Maya explained that the prolonged sync test was just a precaution taken to check for any errors within Unit-01. Didn't really like having to sit in one place for this long, but I guess it could be worse. All I have to do is keep connected to my Eva which was. . .surprisingly easy.

With everything that happened recently. . .I thought my sync ratio would've dropped significantly. As it turns out, the opposite had happened. My ratio skyrocketed if Maya's reaction is anything to go by. But for the life of me, I couldn't figure out why.

. . .

A long time ago. . .Rei told me I must open my mind to the Eva. That I must not hide my intentions from "her".

Guessing that's why it's so easy. My feelings are as clear as day.

I'm just so. . .tired. I'm tired of all my friends either dying or leaving me. I'm tired of losing control of things, and I'm tired of the guilt!

I hate being this weak. I hate how I can't change a damn thing! And I hate that I'm always in pain!

There's fire under my skin.

I'm alerted by a gasp over the radio which breaks my concentration. I look over at the observation window that the Nerv staff are standing behind, and see Misato having a tense conversation with Maya. Both women seem alarmed.

"Is something wrong," I ask over the radio.

For a few seconds, everything is quiet. It was Maya who spoke first.

"Michael. . . what was on your mind?"

I was hesitant to answer her question. "I. . .was just thinking about all the crap that's been happening." I let out a sigh. "Why do you ask?"

"Your sync ratio. . . it easily went over 300 percent," Maya informs me, slight terror ringing in her voice.

Everyone, myself included, was surprised by this revelation.

"Shut down Unit-01," Misato commands. "This test is over."

After my Eva was shut down, I exited the machine and immediately went to talk with Misato. I asked her why the test ended early, and she told me that I was close to reaching a 400 percent sync ratio. The last time that happened, my Eva transformed and I was nearly killed. The sharp jump toward 300 percent told Misato all she needed to know. I'm not ready yet.

With my question answered, I make my way to the locker room. I can't help but think about what I was told about my sync ratio, and how easy it was to reach it. I'm. . .not exactly sure how to feel about this. Does this mean I won't be doing sync tests anymore? Does it mean I still won't be piloting?

. . .

Can't believe I'm in such a hurry to pilot.

When entering the locker room, I come across a mirror. For some reason, I felt compelled to look in the mirror. I don't know why I didn't notice this before but. . .my interface headset. . .it looks like devil horns.

It's late out, probably seven or eight in the afternoon. Misato had to work overtime at Nerv, so it was up to me to go home at a reasonable time. At the moment, I didn't really feel like going anywhere. So, after wandering Nerv's halls for a bit, I went out to explore the Geofront. I never really bothered to look around the Geofront, after all, the place isn't actually that interesting. But, I needed something to do in order to distract me from my thoughts.

I stuck to the path, so as to not get lost in the place, which is quite easy to do. As I initially suspected, there's no animals in the Geofront. Just plants and the occasional machine. Eventually, I came across a fairly familiar scene. Hiding behind a tree and some few bushes, is a melon patch. The same melon patch Kaji had been tending to before he. . .

A frown molds onto my lips as unpleasant thoughts enter my head. Internally, I pray these thoughts away, and as usual, these prayers go unheard. Looking around, I spot a watering pail which, surprisingly, was filled to the brim with clean water. I stare at the object for a good minute, before picking it up, then watering the melon patch.

I spend the next hour sitting next to the melon patch, either staring at it, tending to it, or taking naps near it. Don't know why I felt the need to watch over something so trivial. I guess it's just something to do.

The rustling of grass brings me out of my thoughts. Turning to the source of the sound, I spot a blue haired girl giving me an odd look.

"Rei?"

She opens her mouth, and no sound comes out. She frowns slightly, takes a breath, and this time speaks. "Greetings, Hart."

I scratch the back of my head, then get to my feet. "Hey. Umm, how did you know I was going to be here?"

She looks to the ground, as if she was ashamed. "I. . .was following you."

I go silent for a few seconds, then let out a short laugh. "Okay. Care to tell me why?"

She rubs her right arm and still stares at the ground. "I wanted to see you."

". . .Why?" Rei looked a bit hurt when I asked that, so I quickly elaborate. "Sorry. It's just. . . I was under the impression that you didn't want to see me."

She purses her lips. "I am unsure why I came to see you," she responds, voice barely above a whisper. "It just. . .felt right."

I stare at her for a long while, then slowly reveal a smile. "Well. . .it's good to see you again."

The both of us become quiet.

"May you walk home with me?"

My eyes widened in response to Rei's question. "Umm. . . sure. I can do that."

For the first time since she got here, she looked directly at me. She nods, turns, then starts walking.

I guess we're leaving right now.

Taking one last glance at the melon patch, I quickly follow Rei.

After exiting the Geofront, Rei and I took a train to get near Rei's neighborhood. Throughout the entire ride, we didn't say anything to one another. Rei was hyper focused on something, talking didn't seem like something she'd be interested in. Me, on the other hand, still feel guilty around her, so I keep quiet. It's stupid, but I can't help it. Being around a person that looks and behaves exactly like the Rei I knew. . .feels like I'm trying to replace her. I know that's not what's happening, and I know it's unfair to this Rei for me to feel like this. But. . .I can't help the way I feel.

I really hate this.

As the train makes its stop, Rei gets out of her seat, preparing to exit the vehicle. I looked at the girl in confusion. I'm pretty sure this isn't our stop.

Following Rei off the train, we start walking towards. . . somewhere. We're way too far from her apartment, so we can't be heading there. We were dropped off downtown, and ever since the last few Angel attacks, everything here was pretty much closed. So the entire area was quieter than it should be. It was honestly unsettling.

Eventually, we reach our apparent destination. The arcade.

The arcade was never a place that was particularly well taken care of, still, it never looked as bad as it did now. Some of the broken windows were boarded up, and the front door was just gone.

Is anyone even running the place?

I was gonna ask why Rei took me here, but before I could say anything, she grabbed my hand. Looking me in the eyes, she gently pulls me into the arcade. As I suspected, the place was abandoned. Everything here ran out of power.

Rei lets go of my hand, and vanishes behind one of the back doors here. A few seconds later, the arcade comes to life. Sounds of games being turned on followed by beeping of machines fills the entire area, as lights dance upon the walls. When Rei returns, she once again grabs my hand, and gently drags me to one of the games. I give her an odd look and ask what's this all about. She ignores my question, and wordlessly encourages me to play the game in front of me. As reluctant as I was, I relent and take up the game's controls. A moment later, Rei uses the player two controls as she starts the game.

We spent the next hour in that arcade, playing whatever game Rei thought I'd like. It didn't take me long to figure out why Rei took me to this place. She wanted to take my mind off of everything that was going on in my life. But, I couldn't help but be hesitant when put in this situation. I mean. . .I don't know. How can I enjoy myself when everything around me is going to hell? It doesn't make sense to me.

But Rei was patient.

Even with my reluctance to play along, even with me dragging my feet around every corner, she kept trying to cheer me up. And, eventually, she succeeded. I started to have fun playing the games here. I started to actually be. . . happy.

I know this is all temporary, and I know things won't magically get better after this. But. . . I don't know. I guess it's nice to feel like this from time to time. And. . .I'm glad it was Rei who was trying to cheer me up.

After playing every game in the arcade, Rei and I decided to rest. We found a wooden bench outside the place, and sat in it. A smile paints my face as I draw my attention to Rei.

"Thanks. I guess I really needed this."

She blinks a few times, then looks to the ground. She spends a few seconds messing with her fingers, as if struggling to come up with an answer.

"Something inside. . .told me to take you here," Rei explains. "That. . .I needed to see you smile."

A smile slowly paints her lips. "Smiling, I was told, can improve one's mood ."

She's more. . .expressive than usual. Perhaps the memories of her previous self are influencing her? I mean, the previous Rei and I spent a lot of time here, so I guess those memories are the strongest within the current Rei.

It's. . .comforting in a way. A part of the Rei I knew is still alive. Even if her past self is nothing more than memories.

My smile is wiped off my face, quickly replaced with a frown.

"What am I doing?" I rest my head against my hand. "I should be doing something useful. Not. . .playing games in an abandoned arcade. *Sigh* Sorry, it's just-"

Rei lies her head on my shoulder, and looks up at me. "Please, keep smiling."

I look at the girl for a long five seconds, then reveal a half smile. In response to this, Rei closes her eyes, as if she was falling asleep.

"I can not be her," she says suddenly. "I can not be the Rei I see in my memories. I know that. . . and it hurts." Her voice trembles, but only a little. "But. . .I know she would want to see you smile. To see you. . .happy. So. . .that is the person I will choose to be. The kind of person who can make you happy."

I stared at the girl for a long while.

"Rei. You don't have to-"

"I know," she responds in almost a whisper. "But I choose to do so anyway."

. . .

I don't know what to say.

". . .Thank you."

She hums a bit then goes silent for about a minute. The both of us just sat in a comfortable silence for a while, watching as time passed by.

"Do not give up," Rei whispers. "You're almost home."

I got a call this afternoon while visiting Asuka in the hospital wing. The call came from someone I hadn't seen or talked to in a while.

Ritsuko.

When I answered my cell phone, the conversation between me and the doctor was fairly brief. She told me to meet her at Nerv's cafeteria at 10 p.m. Apparently, she had something important to show me. When I attempted to ask her what this was all about, she responded with a question that sent a million volts up my spine?

"Aren't you curious about returning home?"

That single question made it almost impossible for me to respond. Knowing she now had my attention, she reiterated that I need to meet her at exactly 10 p.m. before hanging up.

Her tone throughout the entire conversation was. . .odd. There was urgency in her voice, yet at the same time, she sounded so calm. These conflicting tones made me a bit suspicious. I almost considered ignoring Ritsuko's instructions but. . .curiosity eventually won me over.

Which brings me to now. The sun has completely set, and the clock has struck ten as I make my way to Nerv's cafeteria. When in the area, I see a very tired looking woman in a lab coat.

"Ritsuko," I greet the doctor.

She nods, acknowledging she heard me. "We don't have much time. Follow me."

She walks briskly in some random direction, and I follow her.

The next few minutes are spent in silence, as Ritsuko leads me to. . .somewhere. She's hyper focused on where we are going, not bothering to glance at any direction other than forward. Almost like she was a machine.

She leads me into a circular, metal hallway. The only sounds which could be heard is the humming of machinery, and our own footsteps. Despite there being lights in the area, they do little to dispel the surrounding darkness. I can barely see anything beyond a few feet, yet Ritsuko doesn't seem to have a problem wandering in the dark.

Curious, as well as nervous, I decided to ask a question. "What exactly do you need to show me?"

Her answer was curt. "Something important."

Footsteps once again fill the silence between us. I ask another question.

"You mentioned something about me returning home. Does that mean you got the wormhole working?"

She lets out a cruel, almost manic laugh. She puts a hand to her head, as she lets out a shaky exhale.

That reaction alone caused me to stop walking. Noticing that I've stopped, she breaks her stride. Slowly, she turns to me, a false smile carved into her face.

At first, she didn't say anything, which didn't help dispel the slight fear I was feeling. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, she spoke.

"Let's continue walking." I assume that tone was supposed to be soothing. "I think we're being followed."

She heads off to our destination, not bothering to see if I'll follow her. I'm hesitant to go after the woman, and I'm tempted to run back to Misato's place. But. . .if what she has to show me has something to do with my home, then I have to find out what.

So I follow Ritsuko. Though, I keep my distance.

Finally, we reach a metal door which has a sign above it, clearly telling us to keep out. Ritsuko pays no mind to the warning, and approaches the door. She pulls a card out of her pocket, and inserts it into a card reader. Waiting a few seconds, the reader makes a beeping noise, slightly confusing the woman.

Before I could suggest something, I saw something move in the dark. Almost on instinct, I moved away from Ritsuko, inadvertently hiding myself. I'm rewarded with the sight of a purple haired woman, seemingly appearing out of nowhere, pointing a gun at Ritsuko's back.

What's Misato doing here?!

"It won't work without my password," Misato explains to Ritsuko.

Ritsuko doesn't even care that a gun's being pointed at her! "I see. Was this Kaji's doing?"

"Show me all the secrets you buried here," Misato responds, ignoring the question.

"Fine," responds the doctor. "But he sees it too."

Misato, just now realizing there was another person here, glances in my direction. Slowly moving from the shadows, I reveal myself. The woman's eyes widened for a split second, before becoming neutral. The both of us have a silent conversion for half a second, before coming to an agreement. She nods, and tells Ritsuko the password. The metal door opens, revealing it's an elevator. We all enter the tiny space, and Ritsuko enters the floor number we'll be heading to. The place then rumbles as we head to the lowest level of the Geofront.

The entire ride had a tense air to it. Misato stood in front of me in a protective manner, while still pointing a gun at her. . .well, ex best friend. Ritsuko, meanwhile, took it all in stride. She seemed confident that she wasn't in any real danger.

It was either that, or she didn't care.

When the ride ends, we exit the machine and are greeted by a strangely familiar sight.

The room was cold, and the walls were seemingly made of metal. The only source of light comes from the ceiling, emitting a sickenly white color. The whole area felt like a prison, which also felt familiar. The only thing unfamiliar about the place were the random machines and pipes lying around.

"Looks familiar, does it Michael," Ritsuko asks in almost a taunting manner.

Her tone didn't sit right with me, so my face twisted into a slight scowl. Regardless, I answered her question with a nod.

"That's not surprising. After all, this is where Rei was born. So it would make sense that her room would be modeled after this place."

If Misato's surprised by this revelation, she doesn't show it. Meanwhile, I only show slight curiosity.

So Rei has always been stuck in a prison. She never had a chance to have something resembling a normal life. It makes me slightly angry. Since Ritsuko is looking so smug, I direct some of that anger toward her.

"If you're gonna tell me that Rei's a clone, save it. I already know."

This time, Misato looks at me, visibly shocked at this revelation. Ritsuko, meanwhile, goes silent. Suddenly, she lets out a loud, manic laugh. Misato, startled, grips her gun tighter.

Ritsuko slowly turns in my direction, a smirk painting her features. "You know, it never ceases to amaze me how informed you are in some cases, yet clueless in others. What you know and don't know is so inconsistent that it's infuriating." She chuckles. "It's insanity, almost to an inhuman degree." Her smirk widens. "Though, when taking into account what you are, 'inhuman' seems apropos."

I glare at the woman. What does she mean by that?

"Ritsuko that's enough," Misato speaks up. "This isn't what I came here for."

The doctor frowns. "I know." She turns her back to Misato and I, and continues speaking. "You surprised me Michael. Even with what you know, you still care about that lifeless doll."

"You watch what you say about her!" My fists tighten as I bare my teeth.

Ritsuko scoffs, then starts walking. Misato and I follow her.

We are led to a catwalk, where we see skeletons as large as Evas lying on the lower level. I couldn't help but gawk at the scene. I've never seen anything like this before. Ritsuko explained that these were failed Evas, taking immense satisfaction in pointing out the holes in my knowledge. I just kept quiet as we headed to the next area.

The area we are in now is completely covered in darkness. The only thing visible was a tangle of pipes, connecting to a human-sized pod of amber liquid.

"What is this place," Misato asks.

"This is where the dummy plugs are made," Ritsuko answers. "More accurately, this is where we produce the composite which makes up the dummy plug's core."

The doctor pulls a device from her pocket and presses a button. The whole room lights up, revealing that we are surrounded by tanks of LCL. But what really messed with me, what really caused me to shiver in horror, was what's floating in those tanks.

Rei. They were all Rei. Every last one of them!

"W-What the hell is this?!" In response to my question, every single one on the Reis looked in my direction. That action awakened some primal fear.

"Y-You mean to tell me that the dummy plugs are-"

"That's right," Ritsuko confirms Misato's incomplete thought. "These things are the core of every single dummy plug."

Everything becomes still as Ritsuko's words are given time to settle.

"What exactly are they," Misato asks.

"Spare parts," Ritsuko states in a callous tone. "Fifteen years ago, mankind flew too close to the sun. They found a god made flesh upon the Earth, and attempted to control that god. But in their arrogance, the god punished mankind."

". . .Second impact," Misato states as her expression hardens. In response to Misato's answer, Ritsuko softly laughs.

"Correct. But we did not learn from our punishment," Ritsuko continues. "We attempted to resurrect the god, Adam, and from that attempt, we created several gods in our likeness. These new gods became what we call Eva."

"In our likeness?" What does she mean by that?

Misato frowns. "So. . .the Evas are human?"

Ritsuko nods. "That's right. Each Eva requires a human soul in order to function. But the only thing which can hold a soul, is Rei." The air around the woman changes. "Do you now understand? Every single Rei, including the one you're so fond of, are nothing more than empty husks. Their only purpose is to carry the souls which powers the Eva. They were never supposed to exist. They were never supposed to live."

I stare at the woman, only now realizing I was holding my breath. Despite everything she told us, there's one thing that doesn't make sense. "Why did you bring us here?"

Instead of answering the question, Ritsuko presses the button on the device in her hand. The amber liquid darkens as I watch all the Reis disintegrate! Skin and muscle peels off of bone, as viscera spews from gaping wounds! My throat tightens as I watch this whole scene play out. And the most disturbing part. . .was the laughing.

Every single Rei was laughing, as if they enjoyed being torn apart. As if they enjoyed dying in the most gruesome way imaginable!

Misato points her gun at Ritsuko's head. "What the hell are you doing?!"

"Destroying them," Ritsuko says matter of factly.

I find my voice. "Stop it! You're killing them!"

"These things were never alive!" Ritsuko yells. "They were just lifeless dolls!"

I take a step forward. I don't know what I'm gonna do! I just want Ritsuko to stop! "Are you insane?! Look at them! They're people!"

"NO THEY'RE NOT! ! !" The mad woman yells. "They are all emotionless husks, designed to be expendable! The only reason you don't want to believe it is because it would mean the Rei you knew never existed! ! !"

"You shut the fuck up!" I nearly charge at Ritsuko, but Misato stops. "You shut you're fucking mouth! You don't know a damn thing about Rei! ! !"

Ritsuko chuckles, but you could tell it was a hollow action. "I, of all people, know more about Rei than anyone on this planet ."

The woman's back is still toward us, but you can tell she was starting to cry.

"Yet, despite what they are," Ritsuko's voice is shaking. "Despite being hollow husks. Despite them not being human. . .I still lost to them. I was willing to endure any torture for him! I was willing to do anything asked of me! Yet in the end, he still chose them over me!"

She freely lets her tears flow as she collapses to her knees. "I ended up being a fool, just like my mother." A pause. "Just. . .kill me. I have nothing else to live for."

Misato stares for a good minute as her "friend". She lowers her gun. "If you really thought I'd do that. . .then you really are a fool."

My mind goes blank for a few seconds as I attempt to absorb. . .everything. The dead Reis currently decomposing all around me. The "truth" behind the Evas. Ritsuko's pathetic confession. It was all these pieces of information which allowed me to come to a conclusion.

"You. . .and Gendo?" The woman doesn't say anything, so I continue. "So you called me here, killed all these clones. . .just to get back at Gendo?"

I can tell Misato's giving me a concerned look.

Within a blink of an eye, I ran over to Ritsuko and kicked her in the head, causing the woman to collapse! Before I could do anything else, Misato grabbed me with her free arm, and dragged me away from Ritsuko.

"You pathetic bitch!" I start laughing. "You idiot! You're upset at Gendo, yet instead of hurting him, you go after the only things that can't fight back?!" I point to the tanks of body parts. "They didn't have a choice in this! They didn't choose to be born! They are the victims! They never did anything to you except exist! Yet these are the people you chose to direct your malice toward?!" I then spit at Ritsuko. "You're so pathetic! Jealous of a fourteen year old girl!"

"Michael! That's enough!" Misato pulls me further from Ritsuko. "She isn't worth it."

I glared at Ritsuko one last time, before getting out of Misato's grip. Turning my back toward both women, I attempt to walk out of this place. That's when Ritsuko chokes out a cackle.

"You're right, I am pathetic," the woman gasps. Her voice then hardens. "But I'm done protecting him." Another cackle escaped her lips. "Which reminds me, you came here because you wanted to know how to return home, right?"

I freeze, then slowly return my gaze back to Ritsuko.

The woman smiles. "The truth is. . .we have no way of getting you home."

My stomach drops as every muscle in my body tenses up.

"It was one of the ways Gendo was able to keep you under control." The mad woman is still wearing that stupid smile! "You were so obsessed with returning home, that it served as the perfect motivation to keep you pilo-"

"You're lying!" I yell, but it isn't rage that fills my voice. It's. . .something else, and it hurts.

Grabbing my chest, I continue speaking. "You showed me the wormhole! The radio waves! The-"

"All fabricated," Ritsuko interrupts. "At least, most of it was."

I go cold, as my eyes widen. My chest turns to stone as pain knocks at the back of my skull. "So. . .you've been messing with me. . .this entire time?"

Ritsuko only smiles.

The place is dead quiet. I stare at Ritsuko, and Misato stares at me. The latter approaches me slowly, and lays a hand on my shoulder. In that pregnant, suffocating silence, one word kept reverberating in my head.

No.

Before Misato could say anything, I grabbed her gun and aimed it at Ritsuko! I pull the trigger, but Misato grabs my hand, causing me to miss my three shots! She wrestles the gun out of my hand as I'm kicking and biting at the woman! I immediately go after Ritsuko, but Misato once again stops me! She bear hugs me, wrestling me to the ground.

"LET ME GO! ! ! LET ME GO! ! !" I scream at the top of my lungs, continuing to fight against the grown woman holding me in place. I eventually go limp, as my breathing becomes haggard. "Just. . .let me go."

Misato goes silent for a moment. "I. . .I can't."

Nerv agents eventually found out where we were, and took Misato, Ritsuko, and I in for questioning. The interrogation lasted for around an hour before Gendo showed up, and dismissed everyone except Ritsuko. Guess Misato and I weren't as important as the mad doctor.

Misato and I were then escorted home, where we both fell asleep.

When morning rolled around, things became busy. Misato escorted me back to Nerv so she could find any information related to me returning home. I didn't get to see it, being in another part of Nerv at the time, but apparently Misato got into an argument with Gendo. From what I've gathered, things got so heated that security had to get involved. Though, I guess it was worth it, cause in the end, Misato got what she wanted.

Ritsuko's research notes.

I'm honestly surprised Gendo allowed Misato to argue with him for as long as she did, and was even more surprised when he agreed to give her what she wanted. I guess Misato really does have some leeway in this place.

Anyway, Misato and I read through Ritsuko's research notes some time later. Most of the information was marked out in black ink, which was annoying, but I got the gist of most of it. The "wormhole" Nerv found did exist at some point, but has long since disappeared. The "recordings" of radio waves were faked, as well as most of the other information gathered from the "wormhole". All of these lies I was fed sounded complicated and "sciencey" enough to trick a gullible fourteen year old. In hindsight, they weren't even good lies. But I was so desperate to believe there was a way home that I didn't question anything.

It's. . .kinda funny.

Asuka's in the hospital because I refused to give her false hope. Meanwhile, I was holding onto a false hope this entire time. If I knew the truth, if I had chosen Asuka over home. . .then she wouldn't be in the state she's in now.

. . .

I'm such an idiot.

Another day passed, and life continued to move on. Misato was at work, so I had the place to myself. School was no longer a thing, and I was still being eased into the harmonics tests, so I had no reason to leave the apartment. So I spent the entire day watching tv, cleaning the apartment, or playing video games. The entire time, I was numb. I couldn't feel joy or sadness or. . .anything.

No. . .that's not entirely true. I feel things. I just decided to ignore those feelings. It's better to feel nothing than guilt, or anger, or. . .whatever else.

It was night time when Misato returned to the apartment. She didn't say anything to me, instead deciding to sit on the couch to watch tv. We both sat on the couch for hours before Misato had to say something.

"So. . .how are you f-"

"Don't." I don't bother looking at Misato.

"Right. . .a dumb question." A frustrated sigh fills the silence. "What happened to you. . .what you had seen. . ." She cuts herself off. "I just want you to know that you can still find a home here-"

"This place will never be a home," I nearly snapped at the woman. "Don't you understand? I can never call this place a home. The only thing this world has ever done for me was take away the things I care about! So don't. . .just don't."

There was a long pause. "No."

I roll my eyes.

"No, I'm not gonna drop this," Misato continues. She gets out of her seat and walks to where I am. "You don't get it! I care about you more than anyone on this damn planet! And no, it has nothing to do with Shinji!"

She grabs my shoulders and looks me in the eye. "It's because you're the only person I have left! You're the only person I can talk to, and you're the only one who listens! Even when I act like a child, even when I'm too drunk to even stand straight, you're always there for me! You're. . .always there." Her hands are shaking. "So I'm not gonna sit here while you shut everyone out again! Just talk to me!"

I pull away from her, then get out of my seat. I walk away from her and let out a soft laugh. "Do you know why I knew Rei was a clone before anyone else? Do you know why I knew about the Evas and Angels the first time I woke up in this world? Hell, have you ever wondered why I know so much about Shinji, even though I've never met him?!"

I turn to Misato and lay a hand on my chest. "Because in my world, everything here isn't real! It's all a fantasy!"

"Michael. . ."

"No! You said you wanted me to talk, so just sit there and listen!" I breathe in deeply. "Everything in this world was nothing more than stories! There was no such thing as Evas, Angels, or Nerv! It was all made up! So when I was transported here, I thought I was dreaming! I thought that at any moment, I would wake up and find myself back in that shitty excuse for a home!"

I look to the ground as my breathing increases. "But I didn't wake up. I was stuck here in this. . . nightmare! Stuck living this fantasy while my brother is alone with that witch for a mother!" I look up at Misato, watching her face twist from confusion to pity. "After a while, a dangerous thought entered my head. Deep in the back of my mind. . .I thought I had the power to change things. I thought I could use my so-called "knowledge" to lead everyone to a brighter future. But no matter how hard I tried, I just made things worse! Because I don't know as much as I thought I did! Because I'm ignorant! Because no matter how smart, capable, or good I think I am, God keeps reminding me that I'm nothing more than a failure! That I'll just keep screwing things up again and again! That everyone would've been better off if I never existed!"

"Because I. . .I. . ." I put both hands on my face, and let out a groan. The room is silent, so I can tell Misato's trying to absorb everything I just said. My hands fall to my side. "Never mind."

I walk into my room and slam the door. When inside, I plop myself onto my bed and flail about a bit.

"Shit."

I can't believe I said all that. Dammit! She probably thinks I'm crazy! That I'm losing my mind.

. . .

Maybe I am losing my mind.

About ten minutes pass before Misato slides open the door.

"Go away."

She ignores my demand. Instead, she takes a seat on the left side of my bed, an unreadable expression painting her face.

I sigh. "Do you think I'm crazy?"

She shakes her head. "I'm just. . .shocked. I knew you were always hard on yourself but. . .You felt like this, all this time?"

I breathe in deeply then sit upright. "I guess."

She closes her eyes, then shakes her head. Her mouth opens, then quickly closes, as if she was having trouble speaking.

"I don't know what to do," admits Misato. "I don't know if there's anything I could say or do to make you feel better."

She reaches for the cross hanging around her neck, an action I've only seen her do a handful of times.

"I was never cut out for this," she whispers. "I wish I was but I'm just. . .not. Your hope was taken away from you, and I know from personal experience how painful something like that can be." She inhales deeply. "I may not be able to take your pain away, but maybe. . .I can make it less painful."

Slowly, she places her hand on my left hand, and looks me in the eyes. Tentatively, carefully, she leans her face close to mine.

My jaw hangs a bit. "What are you doing?"

Misato's eyes are closed. "I'm sorry. But this. . .is about all I can do."

When her face grew closer to mine, as her lips grew close to mine, I immediately realized what was happening.

I was enraged!

I pushed the woman as hard as I could, causing her to fall on her back. I got to my feet, walked away from the woman, and grabbed hold of the nearest object available.

The object being, the guitar Misato bought me.

"Get out."

Silence.

My grip tightens around the guitar's handle.

"I SAID GET OUT! ! !" I then threw the instrument at the woman, and it exploded as it crashed against a wall. The woman, no longer stunned, quickly exits my room.

Still hot with anger, I let out a yell that shook the entire apartment. Breathing heavily, I sank to my knees and was practically pulling out my hair.

Why did she do that? Why is this happening?! How did it come to this?!

"Am I being punished," I question the air. "Why God? Why won't you let me go home?"

I really hate hospitals. No matter how many times I've been in one, hospitals will always rub me the wrong way. This place has always been associated with pain, at least for me. This time, it's no different.

Staring at Asuka's unconscious body, hearing her heart monitor steadily beating, is a constant reminder of my guilt. Honestly, I don't know why I'm even here. No matter how much I visit the girl, she's not going to wake up. It's been half an hour since I arrived at the hospital, and nothing about her condition changed! It's so pointless, so why bother? Nothing I ever do ends up going how I imagine it, so why-

I message my eyebrows while shifting my weight in my seat. Exhaling slowly, I bring my full attention toward Asuka. Once again, I attempt to speak to her.

"I don't think I'll be talking to Misato anymore."

Asuka doesn't respond.

"Something. . .happened. And I don't know what to do," I admit. "I thought I knew Misato. I thought she was someone I could. . .well, it doesn't matter. I doubt you want to hear about my problems. Especially since you're the one whose suffering."

The heart monitor continues to beat at a steady pace.

Scratching the back of my head, I decided to continue this "conversation". "I guess I have some good news. Looks like I'm not going home." A sad chuckle escapes my lips. "Apparently, all this time, I was fighting for a false hope. I thought that piloting Eva would help me return home but. . .I was living a lie. Heh, it wasn't even a good lie, just a lie I chose to believe."

"I'm not leaving you," I told the body. "I'm staying here, so. . .there's no reason for you to stay like that. So, please come back."

The body remains quiet, even after everything I said. I frown.

"The doctors say it's all in your head, so that means you can wake up if you want." My frown becomes deeper. "Didn't you hear me? I said I'm not going anywhere, so you wake up now. What? Do you like lying in that bed? Do you like being force fed by the doctors? Do you like withering away?"

The results were still the same. She doesn't wake up.

I get up, knocking my chair over.

"What the fuck you do you want me to do?!" I snapped at her. "If you can hear me, then why won't you answer?!"

. . .

Why do I even bother?

"Fine! Stay like that for all I care!"

I walk out of her room then slam the door behind me.

Exiting the hospital wing, then Nerv HQ, I begin walking around the Geofront. I didn't go too far this time, I just needed to blow off some steam. When I've finally cooled off, I take note of how I acted.

I let out a groan.

I can't believe I did that. After what happened last night, it makes sense that I would still be angry. Still. . . I shouldn't have snapped at Asuka. She didn't do anything wrong. It's because of me she's in there and-

. . .

Shit!

I rub my hands against my face, as if trying to cleanse myself of something.

What the hell is wrong with me?

"So it is true. You really are not of the lilin."

What the. . .who spoke?

Turning to the source of the sound, I find an odd looking boy who looks to be around my age. What made him odd was his pale skin, red eyes, and white hair. He was also wearing my school's uniform, which didn't make sense because school was cancelled.

I recognize this person, but like always, the name escapes me. Though there's one thing I'm sure of.

This guy isn't human.

I fully turn to the person and remain on guard.

"Who are you?"

The boy smiled, and for some reason, that annoyed me.

"Hmm. I believe the name I had been given was Kaworu. Kaworu Nagisa."

Author's Notes: I really thought this year would be better. Well, that's what I get for being enthusiastic.

Angsting aside, I'm glad I was finally able to finish this chapter. Hopefully, you guys enjoyed this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it. Also, I appreciate all the reviews I got last chapter. Honestly, I think it was those reviews that kept me motivated. So thank you all for that. Oh, and before I forget, Thomas correctly guessed the name of the artist in the last chapter. Now, onto this chapter's hint.

Chapter 23: Once again, I'm not using a band, but an artist; he's a young rapper whose musical style was influenced by grunge and emo musical styles. This artist's stage name also roughly translates to "unknown temptation". As for the song, its name is alluded to in this chapter's title. On the surface level, the song seems to be about selling one's soul to the devil, though it's up to the viewer to decide if that's the song's true meaning.

Thanks for reading this chapter, and have a nice day. Also, incase you haven't been doing so already, check my profile if you want to know when the next chapter's coming out.