Author's Note: Lots of life got in the way recently with work and work travel. Apologies for taking so long.
Today was the deadline. Jack walked past the accusing piece of paper taped to his bathroom mirror and glanced at his watch. He would definitely be late, but he still needed to take a shower, so he glanced at a clue to ponder on while he did so – "attractive type secure in high position." Filled in letters and nonsensical phrases reminded him of his attempts the night before, perhaps after one too many beers. He rolled his eyes at himself in the mirror and started the shower.
He'd wavered back and forth for the past week on the best approach. His first position had been to take their challenge as seriously as possible. Well, as seriously as one could take a crossword puzzle. But the first night after Carter had given him the new puzzle, he'd realized he was way out of his league. On the second night, after only completing two clues he wasn't entirely sure were correct, he'd considered throwing in the towel early…had been one second away from pressing send on his phone to tell her, but couldn't bring himself to do it.
As he stood under the spray, he contemplated why he'd kept trying. He didn't have much ego left when it came to her - not because she flaunted her intelligence, but because he was truly in awe of the way her mind worked. He hadn't always felt that way, but to be fair, she wasn't quite as subtle when she was younger. She'd been eager to prove herself, and he'd been bound and determined to let her make a fool of herself doing it. After all, he hadn't wanted a single scientist, much less two, on his team. He'd been loathe to admit how much he occasionally enjoyed the scientific side of things. Sure, he'd made it through his college classes and flight training just fine. He appreciated the practical side of physics and engineering that allowed him to fly and manage not to die. There was an answer gnawing at him that he normally left buried in his subconscious, but, alone and vulnerable in the confines of his shower, he projected his frustration onto a five-letter clue instead.
After his shower, he distractedly donned a fresh undershirt and boxers, then remembered he needed to shave. When he re-entered the bathroom, he noticed condensed water dripping next to the puzzle and the thought crossed his mind he could arrange a sort of "accident" for his new enemy. But Carter would see right through his plan, so he sighed and lathered his face before wiping the water from the surface. It was an exercise in futility, as his gaze settled on the puzzle more than his reflection. Just as he started to shave, he heard the shrill ring of his cell phone. His first guess was Daniel, so he ignored it, but the added distraction caused him to nick his upper lip. He didn't hide his irritation as he answered.
"What?!"
But Daniel was unfazed.
"Jack, I've been translating the ancient writing on the colonnade SG-2 discovered on P3X-439."
"Daniel, I'll be there in half an hour." He knew it didn't really matter what he said – Daniel would give him the entire brief over the phone regardless. So, he listened as he prattled on about what he had discovered, occasionally interjecting, still distracted by the clue he hadn't solved.
"Repository, you say."
"Yeah, you know, that thing that grabbed your head, made you talk crazy, nearly killed you," Daniel supplied, unhelpfully.
"Well, sounds like we should stay away then." Jack hadn't intended to bait Daniel, but he was feeling even less self-control than usual. He knew the importance of the location, he'd just been a bit sour lately, especially after they'd nearly lost Carter and actually lost Fraiser.
He heard Daniel trying to control his frustration as he continued.
"Well, considering what we know now, we should be able to find another way to access the information. I mean, Sam's been able to use Tok'ra crystals to find a way to transfer all kinds of different energies, I mean…"
Jack knew the conclusion, just didn't want to hear it, so he pulled the phone from his ear to rinse it clean of shaving cream.
"We should go there as soon as possible," Daniel finished.
"Yeah?" Jack jumped back in.
"So?"
"I'll be there in half an hour," Jack repeated. Kicking the can down the road was his usual MO.
"Okay, bye."
Jack glanced at a different clue he'd struggled with the night before. "No, no, no, wait, don't hang up. I need a seven-letter word."
Daniel's tone changed. "I told Sam I wouldn't help you."
Jack wanted to reach through the phone and wipe the smirk off his face. Daniel was his friend first and now he was picking her side. Honestly, he didn't blame him, so he went for pity rather than guilt. "Well, then this will be the one thing she doesn't know. Up, down, charmed, blank."
"Strange."
"Yeah. Well, thanks anyway."
"No, the word you're looking for…"
As he went to hang up, Jack realized what Daniel said might have been related to the clue, but he was completely out of energy to talk to the man, and his ego was a little damaged that he still didn't understand the answer.
Half an hour later, Jack sat in his truck at the mountain, staring unseeingly at the paper in front of him. He didn't want to finish it to prove anything to her about his intellect – he had long ago surrendered that battle. He just needed to bank a win after so many losses. He needed to turn the page, literally and metaphorically.
When he stepped off the elevator, his team was waiting for him. He knew they sensed he'd been a little off the past few weeks, but no one had really called him on it, though Teal'c had certainly shot him some knowing looks and Daniel occasionally huffed at him.
He barely registered their comments, just passed a folded paper to her with fake smugness. He knew many of the clues were wrong, but perhaps her amusement would flush out his melancholy. She was always going to win, but he originally thought he'd be able to make it a closer finish. Either way, they'd get to go out for dinner and a movie, even if they did have to bring their little brothers along.
"The fate of the world is hanging in the balance, and you've been sitting in your truck, finishing this?" she asked as they ascended the stairs.
"I believe it was double or nothing." He could feel the raised eyebrows of the other half of their team on his back on their way to the briefing room.
"Okay, 23 across, the atomic weight of boron. The answer is ten." She side-eyed him.
He knew she knew he was being a smart ass. "Yes." He hid his smile. He loved getting under her skin, even when he was in a funk.
"You wrote the word fat."
He snatched the paper from her. He meant it to be playful, but the years of barriers between them had created both raw and calloused sections of his heart he wasn't always able to avoid. It was just a bad day to be at the mountain. He'd rather be somewhere fishing, as far as possible from the perpetual foreboding that accompanied him down the halls and through the gate.
At first, the briefing of the mission threw Jack off guard. It seemed Daniel had arranged most of it in his absence, likely with Carter's and Teal'c's assistance. Jack's affect apathy pushed Daniel's frustration to the surface again.
"Why wouldn't we want to gain access to the greatest repository of knowledge in the known universe, once and for all finding the lost city of the Ancients, and use their technology to save the entire galaxy from the evil oppression of the Goa'uld?"
"Well, there's that," Jack offered.
Planets, technologies, allies, enemies, goa'uld, ancients…it was blurring into déjà vu for Jack, and he had started to wonder if they were even making a difference in the grand scheme of things, especially if they would eventually be annihilated. If he would eventually watch everyone he cared about suffer and die. Despite Jack barely saying a word in their requisite clearance session, Dr. Mackenzie had mentioned survivor's guilt. Jack had bristled and waved him off. This wasn't as bad as when he'd lost his son, so surely he'd snap out of it sooner or later.
The moment he snapped out of it was the moment he realized someone needed to sacrifice themselves to access the repository.
"In fact you're the one person who can't do it!" he shouted to Daniel above the noise of enemy fire before shoving his lucky hat at him.
He didn't remember much after that until he was back at the SGC. This time it was worse because he knew what would happen to him, and he wasn't sure the Asgard would be available to help him before it was too late. The foreboding was back, but he had a sliver of hope that the knowledge buried in his subconscious would somehow give them a fighting chance. It would be a while before it would manifest, so he decided a few days of leave were in order. He wouldn't have time to make it out to his cabin, but maybe he could get his affairs in order. He should have known they wouldn't stay away.
Of course she would show up first, glowing with her sun-kissed skin and freckles, and that was the only moment he regretted his decision. Carter's awkwardness was adorable, and Jack suddenly felt stupid for keeping her at arm's length. But now was the absolute worst time to reverse course, so he found himself being short with her as she peppered him with questions. He realized his mistake when she set her beer down.
"This was a bad…I should go."
"Finish your beer," he practically ordered. "And then you have to wait at least an hour before you drive." Maybe by then liquid courage would loosen his tongue. He could feel her staring at him as they sat on the couch. And her next statement took him off guard.
"I should have done it."
"What? Stick your head in that thing?"
She nodded. The thought horrified him.
"Are you nuts? Carter, you're one of this country's natural resources, if not national treasures. It couldn't have gone down any other way."
And he found himself staring into her eyes for a few seconds longer than was advisable.
"I just…hope it's worth it." He took a swig of beer, sensed her frustration when she answered.
"Even if we do find the Lost City, even if we get there and find exactly what we're looking for to defend the planet…"
"That…would be worth it." Because…I'd rather die myself than lose Carter, his brain unhelpfully reminded him.
And then, Daniel and Teal'c were there, and he was simultaneously relieved and indignant. He wanted two things at the same time – for things to change and for things to remain the same.
"Oh, sorry are we interrupting anything?" Daniel asked. Yes? No? Jack had acted according to a battle plan for so long, he didn't know how to access his feelings.
But, it turned out that doughnuts and beer and discussing the Simpsons with his three favorite people was exactly what he needed. For a few precious moments, they were innocent explorers again, sitting around a campfire on a forested planet, swapping stories while a sleepy village treated them like heroes, blissfully unaware of the true threats that awaited them beyond their early victories.
But Hammond's arrival brought them back to the present, when he revealed he'd been relieved of command, which left Jack's fate hanging precariously in the balance.
Days passed indeterminably after that. Some of his last coherent thoughts were of working on the crossword puzzle in Daniel's lab.
"Daniel, I don't speak Ancient…yet. And when I do, eventually, you know I'll never understand it," Jack reminded him.
"You have to try."
"Look, last time things just popped into my fron." Jack internally cringed at the irony. A small part of him had hoped it wouldn't happen this time. Tensions boiled over a bit as their argument continued and Daniel snatched the puzzle from him.
"Well maybe if you stop working on the stupid crossword…"
A few seconds later, Carter entered the lab, but before she could get a sentence out, Daniel had switched course.
"Thirteen across you wrote 'taonas.'"
"Yeah. So? What's that mean?" Jack had no memory of writing the word.
"Ah…I don't know, you tell me. Eight down you wrote 'praclarush.'"
"What's eight down?" Carter asked.
"Um…label. With those empty spaces I think the answer is supposed to be identification. Thirteen across is sphere. Jack, this is it."
As his nerdy friends discussed the implications of his sudden language acquisition, Jack leaned back in his chair with his hands behind his head. He knew the discussion was important, but his head was starting to hurt. Maybe he was hungry. Daniel was convinced the gibberish on the page was a clue to the location of the lost city, while Jack wasn't entirely sure it wasn't just nonsensical letters between clues he hadn't answered correctly.
Carter was skeptical, too, and after a dig at him about his Uma Thurman clue, he snatched his puzzle away, honestly shocked they all hadn't ripped it by now, and made his way to the commissary for dessert while he was still in control of his faculties. As expected, they tagged along, and Jack rolled his eyes at himself for agreeing to adopt the two of them seven years ago.
Teal'c had respected his request for space, but their resident archaeologist was bound and determined to hurry the process along. And Carter, well with her scientific mind she couldn't help herself, really. He listened as Daniel unraveled the secrets spilling from his brain with increasing speed. But with those revelations, his own consciousness became more of a secret to himself, locked away in a part of his brain he was no longer permitted to access. He stared at his friends, wondered how much longer he would be with them.
When no one was looking, he shoved the crossword puzzle into the pocket of his BDUs, desperate to maintain some small part of himself.
He lost track of the hours that passed. He found himself rummaging through supply rooms, grabbing parts he vaguely recognized and devices he'd never seen before. Whenever they asked him questions, it only made his head hurt worse.
Finally, there was blissful silence as they sat in the cargo area of Ronan's ship. Until Daniel spoke up.
"I would have done it, you know?"
And there was a young Daniel in his mind's eye, floppy-haired and overly eager, forging a relationship with the Abydonians that would later prove the key to their salvation on multiple occasions. And saving him from throwing his life away needlessly. He didn't deserve his friendship.
"I know." It was all Jack could muster in response. He found himself repeating the same words when Carter took command of the ship and tried to open the door to the room they closed all those years ago.
"Sir, at your house before Daniel and Teal'c showed up, what I was gonna say was…"
"I know." He owed her so much more. He should have told her at his house. Should have invited her to his cabin again. Should have resigned. Even if she should probably turn him down, she deserved to know.
By the time Teal'c approached him, he had lost all capacity for normal speech, and had very few thoughts left that were his own.
"O'Neill, I wish for you to know, that…"
Muscle memory took over, and he placed his palm on Teal'c's cheek before clasping him on the shoulder. It was too much to bear hearing unwavering devotion from a warrior of his caliber.
He led them back to Earth, led them to the outpost under the ice, led them to the weapon that would be their salvation. And whether or not he would ever be able to see the fruit of his sacrifice, for the first time in a long time, he had hope. He only wished he could tell his friends not to despair. He felt them carry him from the chair to the chamber. Vaguely registered her calling his name. But he could only bid them goodbye and hope they would carry on in his stead.