a listening ear
Long after Hinata fell asleep, Naruto found himself staring hard at the ceiling, his stomach roiling as if he'd drunk a carton of spoiled milk. He stole a glance at Hinata, her face smooth in sleep.
He jumped out of bed, feeling like he didn't deserve to sleep next to her after what he just did. Hoping the cool night air might help clear his mind, he decided to go out for a walk.
He tried. Really, he tried. Tried to give back as much as she gave him. As much as she'd given him all these years.
In the end, it all felt like excuses. In the end, it felt as if he'd simply used her for sex—
Naruto stopped short, clenching his jaw. Disgusting.
Damn it, bastard.
Shaking his head, Naruto took to the roofs, speeding into the night with no real direction in mind. The wind whipping against his face, though refreshing, did nothing to stop his mind from thinking about him.
Damn him. Why was it his eyes that kept drifting back to Naruto when he was with Hinata? His lips that Naruto kept thinking about when he kissed her?
Naruto hoped it was simply a passing curiosity.
Whatever he felt for Sasuke—they'd been through a lot together. It would make sense for their bond to be stronger than the average friendship, for Naruto to feel a lot more for Sasuke than was probably normal.
There was nothing that could be changed, anyway. Sasuke loved Sakura. It was a waste of time to get too hung up on it.
He wished the thought didn't hurt so much. The way Sasuke had spoken about Sakura—
No.
Naruto loved Hinata, his wife. His wife, who—
Just how many times was he going to repeat that to himself? The very fact that he had to keep telling himself that said something, didn't it?
Shit.
Naruto sped up. His feet soon took him to the bars, and though he wasn't really thinking about drinking, Naruto soon realized why when he spotted her at one of the stalls. Not at all surprised that she was still up at this time of night, he slid into the stool next to her and ordered a drink.
"Been long enough since I've seen you around," Tsunade said. "Here I was thinking you forgot all about me."
Naruto smiled weakly. "Aw, you know what it's like, baa-chan. Paperwork, and more paperwork."
When Tsunade's eyes fell on him, they lingered. "Something on your mind?
Of course, the woman would see right through him. Naruto wondered if that was really what he wanted right now, to discover just how much of a mess he'd made of everything. All the same, he knew if he didn't spill, it was going to turn sour inside of him and burn him until there was nothing left.
All that said, he didn't know how to start. He was glad when the bartender placed his drink in front of him, and he took a sip, hoping the alcohol might do something about the uneasiness he was feeling.
"Baa-chan…" Naruto looked at his glass, watching little bubbles fizzle their way to the top. "You've…loved, right?"
"That…was not the line of questioning I was expecting."
"Well, you have, right?"
"Mhm." She brought her cup of sake to her lips and tipped it back.
"How did you know?"
"How…did I know if I loved them?" Setting her cup back down with a tap, she tilted her head at him. "As opposed to…?"
Naruto frowned into his drink. He turned the glass in his hand, swirling the amber liquid inside, feeling like he was being pulled into the center of the tiny eddy in his glass.
"Naruto?" Tsunade said. "What's going on?"
It occurred to him how just one conversation between kids was all it took to question his feelings for Hinata. Was that how fickle he was?
Or had he always known, and he'd simply been denying it all this time? Was that the uneasiness he'd been feeling? Was that the reason why he'd been drifting away from his family, losing himself in work, to avoid the realization that maybe he made a big fucking mistake—
"…ruto." A hand waved in front of his face. "Hey, Naruto."
Relieved that Tsunade broke into his thoughts, he looked up from his drink. "Sorry. I was…thinking."
Tsunade raised an eyebrow. "Clearly."
Naruto took another sip and found himself asking Tsunade the very question that got him into this mess. "What does it mean to love someone?"
The way Tsunade looked at him made him feel like he was being dissected, curious eyes trying to dig underneath the surface, into the flesh of him. "I don't know if I have the answer you're looking for."
"How do you know what kind of answer I'm looking for?"
"Because…" Tsunade threw back another shot of sake. "Love…is complicated. It's different for everyone."
As if he wasn't trying to tell himself the same thing. The way he loved Hinata didn't have to be the same as how Sasuke loved Sakura—
He clenched his hand around the glass, and then downed the rest of his drink. He shuddered as the alcohol burned its way down his throat.
It felt oddly familiar.
When Sasuke told him about Sakura's pregnancy, Naruto remembered feeling odd.
He remembered feeling odd during their wedding.
That feeling that made his stomach roil, clench, push acid up his throat—
He'd passed it off as indigestion back then. Food poisoning.
It was that feeling he'd felt yesterday, when Sasuke was describing his epic-sounding—love —for Sakura.
Naruto finally recognized the ugly feeling for what it really was. He scoffed at his idiotic younger self.
Indigestion. How—stupid—
Naruto became aware of Tsunade's eyes on him and wondered if it really was a good idea to dig further. He finally made up with his kids. Hinata was happy. Sasuke seemed more than content. He couldn't just upend everyone else's lives because of his dumb self.
"You know what—" He got off the stool, placing money next to his glass. "I'm gonna head home."
"Gaki."
Naruto froze.
"Get back here."
He went back to his stool.
"Now, tell me what's going on."
He should have known better than to assume Tsunade would let him go. But what was he supposed to say? Nothing was making sense but he just knew if he dug any further it would ruin his kids' lives, Hinata's life, and then—
Then what?
No.
Damn it. I can't—I shouldn't—
"Naruto?"
It'd be better to just forget and move on.
But—but—shit—what do I—
"Hey, hey, Naruto." Tsunade placed a finger under his chin, lifting his face, making him meet her soft gaze. "Breathe."
What was happening to him?
"Breathe," Tsunade repeated.
Since when did something as simple as breathing become so difficult?
"Breathe," Tsunade murmured, rubbing his back. He wondered if she was using medic ninjutsu to soothe his heartrate, because it was easier to calm down this time, unlike earlier with Sasuke.
"Thanks," he mumbled.
"Do you want to go someplace quiet?" she asked.
"Yeah." The bar wasn't crowded, but it was still noisy and maybe that was getting to him.
Placing a few bills on the counter, Tsunade got off her chair. "Let's go."
He followed her to a thicket of woods behind the hospital. About a mile in, they came upon a large clearing with a pond, away from the noise of the village. A dock led to the center of the pond where a gazebo stood.
Naruto looked around as they walked into the gazebo. "I didn't know a place like this existed."
Tsunade took a seat, her expression smug. "One of my secret haunts. Whenever I get tired of people."
"Aren't you worried I'm gonna bug you here from now on?"
Tsunade leaned back, resting her arm on the back of her seat. "Which was why I never told you about it when you were younger. But I think you know better than that by now." She motioned for him to sit. "So, what's going on?"
There was concern in her gaze, making him wonder just how terrible he looked. He looked down at his hands.
"I…had sex with Hinata."
At the resulting silence, Naruto felt his face growing hot when he realized what he'd just blurted out.
"I imagine that's usually what happens between a couple," Tsunade said dryly, then added under her breath, "but you didn't have to rub it in my face."
Naruto didn't think it possible for his face to feel hotter. He certainly did not want to think about Tsunade's sex life—or lack thereof—damn it—
Tsunade rolled her eyes. "Want to tell me what's really going on?"
His relief at her ignoring his blunder was short-lived when he registered her question. He felt his heart pounding, louder and louder until it was all he could hear.
"It—hurts," Naruto croaked. "It just hurts."
Tsunade looked as though she was waiting for him to say more. But Naruto couldn't. Just saying that much had made his entire body seize up.
"Usually," she said eventually, "when I have patients come to me about something hurting, the first question I usually ask is: when did it start hurting?"
Naruto clutched his pants. When…
That was easy. It started hurting the moment he noticed the way Sasuke's eyes seemed to overflow with emotion—the way his voice seemed thick, unable to hold the sheer amount of love he had for Sakura. Talking about her if she was his very salvation, the very center of his world, the sun around which he'd always revolve around.
But that wasn't news. They married each other, after all. And Naruto had been fine with that, so why was it bothering him now?
Had I really been fine? asked a small voice at the back of his mind.
Naruto clenched his fists. "Baa-chan, I'm freaking out."
"No shit." Tsunade crossed her arms. "Now tell me what's freaking you out."
"Sasuke," Naruto blurted. "He's freaking me the fuck out."
"What did he do now?"
"He…"
No. This wasn't Sasuke's fault.
"No…" Naruto said in a small voice. "It's…me. Not him."
"What happened?"
He shifted in his seat. "Sasuke…said something…and it…hurt…and I don't…really know why."
"What did he say?"
Naruto stared at his lap. "This isn't gonna make any sense…"
Tsunade sighed. "Try me."
He looked at his tight fists and loosened them. "Um…I was asking Sasuke what love was supposed to feel like."
"Oh?"
He clenched his fists again, but the nails digging into the flesh of his palms did nothing to mask the ache in his heart as Sasuke's answer came to mind. Naruto found himself relating to it, found himself resonating with it—
He was realizing exactly why he'd felt Sasuke's words dig into his very bones, as if every one of those words were his own—
"B-Baa-chan…" Naruto looked at Tsunade, feeling his eyes well up. "B-Baa-chan, I'm—I'm starting to wonder…if I" –his voice cracked– "if I did the right thing…when…I married Hinata."
He felt his entire body go numb.
What have I done?
No—what was done was done.
What could he really do about it?
He couldn't just bring it all crashing down on Boruto, Himawari and Hinata. Because of his idiocy. It'd be too cruel. He buried his head in his hands, squeezing his eyes shut. Fuck.
"Naruto, you still with me?"
Naruto took a deep breath before looking back up at Tsunade, making sure his eyes were clear of tears. "Yeah."
Tsunade regarded him for a long moment, her gaze heavy. "What…exactly did Sasuke say that made you doubt your feelings for Hinata?"
Naruto kneaded his knees. "I—I can't explain it. It—it wasn't what he was saying—more like—how he was saying it." He scratched his head. "I don't know. It's just—there was this—depth to his feelings that felt so far beyond what I've ever felt for Hinata, but it also felt so…familiar…"
"How…did it feel familiar?"
"Because—" Naruto shut his mouth, his heart racing.
After a bit, Tsunade asked, "So…what do you feel for Hinata?"
"I love her. I love her, baa-chan! She's my wife."
Just how many times had he said that to himself today? It was starting to grate on his nerves, but—
"I've spent so much time with Hinata, ya'know?" Naruto pressed his fingers into his eyes. "There's…no way I don't love her, but—I'm realizing that I…"
Tsunade seemed to be waiting for Naruto to say more but when the silence got too long, she said, "You're going to have to admit it to yourself at some point. Better sooner than later."
Naruto wondered if she already knew what he'd been trying to not think about. "What…should I be admitting to myself?"
"I know you're not that much of a coward, Naruto." Tsunade leaned forward, resting her chin on her hand, looking at him with an expression that intimidated him. "You've always faced things head on. Why not this?"
"Because there's no point to—this. Nothing can be changed anyway, no matter what I feel f-for—" He sucked in a breath.
Another long moment went by with neither of them saying a word, the only sounds being the occasional plop as fish broke the surface of the pond that surrounded them. The very scene was calm, serene, opposing the thickness in the air that was radiating within the gazebo and suffocating Naruto.
"You were saying…something didn't feel…right? With…Hinata?" Tsunade's steady voice cut through the tension.
It did nothing to calm Naruto down, and he wrung his hands. "I've been feeling…unfulfilled." He swallowed, feeling guilt burning his throat more than the alcohol did. "I—don't know why." He didn't know anything anymore. "I'd been spending more time with the kids, with Hinata, but—I—" He became aware of his knees shaking but did nothing to stop it. "The other day, I went on a date with Hinata. It went well, I think. But it was weird at the same time. It felt like she was giving me so much more than I ever did. I feel like she was really enjoying herself, she looked so happy, but when Sasuke asked me how I felt, I realized that I just felt like…something was…missing…
"But that's what I don't get!" Naruto burst out. "I have a family, I'm actually Hokage now, I'm living my dreams! I have everything I'd dreamed about as a kid! What's there to feel unfulfilled about?"
"Indeed," said Tsunade.
"I—I know I care about them. I love my kids, and Hinata…she's everything to me. I love coming back home to her—and—I mean—we've been married for more than a decade! We've built something together and I can't just—bring it all crashing down just because—just because—
"Just because…I think…I…actually…love…someone else…"
Naruto screwed his eyes shut. Hearing that said out loud was—
"Naruto."
"Yeah?" he said in a small voice.
Tsunade folded her arms. "Don't tell me you've been cheating on—"
Naruto snapped his head up so quick his neck hurt. "What?! No! Of course not! Why would you—what on earth—"
"Okay." Tsunade held her palms up. "Okay. I know." She looked amused and it occurred to Naruto that maybe she was trying to get him out of his head. "So, you think you might like someone else. What do you feel for this person?"
The words spilled out of Naruto easily. "When I think back, I'd always admired him—her. Her. I'd always been watching…her. She was the one who always…pushed me to be better. I've always felt this weird…connection with—her. It's…I can't describe it. It's just this…gut feeling. I just…I always feel better whenever h-she's in town. I thought that was…normal, ya know? Because we're best friends and all? Every time I'm with hi-her, everything feels intense—amazing. With him I—I feel like I can be myself. Because he—he knows me. He knows my heart."
He's always known my heart. As I know his.
Naruto had been fooling himself this whole time. There was no way this was just curiosity. No way was this simple attraction.
What. An. Idiot.
That…pull…that always drew Naruto to him. That pull that felt as powerful as it felt overwhelming, a magnetic force as if Sasuke was the north pole that Naruto was always drawn to like a compass. Something that always pointed Naruto to Sasuke, always, down to the very emotion he might be feeling, the very thoughts he might be thinking, and that was what made it hurt so much. He felt the love Sasuke felt for Sakura. It was vast, impossible to see the edge of, if there even was an edge, something unearthly, precious, beyond comprehension.
Was…that what love was?
Naruto took in a shaky breath, fisting his hands to stop them from trembling.
"And…do you know how…this other person…feels about you?" Tsunade asked, voice oddly gentle.
Naruto snorted. "I'm pretty sure he just finds me annoying. As always. Always sticking my nose in his business."
"…Right."
That…itchy feeling was back. It seemed to flit all over his body, not staying in one place, and he tried to shake it off, but it wouldn't, it just spread across his body and—
"GAH!" Naruto jumped up. "Baa-chan, what's going on with me?"
Tsunade was seemingly unfazed by his outburst. "Tell me, why did you marry Hinata?"
Naruto paused. "Because…she's always loved me, since the very beginning, before anyone else. She recognized my worth before anyone else. She was dedicated to me since the very beginning, even though I didn't do anything to deserve it."
Tsunade frowned. "You…married her…because she loved you?"
Naruto tilted his head. "…Yeah? Isn't that how it goes?"
"What about you? You loved her, too, right?"
"Yeah."
"I meant…" Tsunade pressed her forehead. "Never mind." She let out a puff of breath and folded her arms. "So. You were saying you could relate to some of the things Sasuke was talking about. But…not with…Hinata?"
That itchiness intensified, and he started pacing. "Sasuke said shit like he was always thinking about Sakura when he's away from her—"
It hurt. That it was Sakura he thought about and not…
While all Naruto did was think about—
The gazebo was small, and his quick pacing was making him feel slightly dizzy, but he didn't stop, he didn't want to think, and he felt if he did stop it was all going to crash down upon him and—
"Naruto." A strong hand on his shoulder stopped him. "Look at me."
Naruto looked up from his feet to Tsunade's steady eyes. Something in them took him back to when he was younger, and he felt the need to hug her, but held himself back. He was too old for that—
"Gaki." Tsunade snorted. As if reading his mind, she pulled him into a hug that Naruto could not resist even if he'd wanted to. But he embraced it, wishing he was younger again, wishing that things were much simpler, when he could undo his mistakes with a laugh and try again.
"Baa-chan…" he said after a bit, subdued. "D-do you…always think of people you've loved"
Tsunade was silent for long enough that Naruto pulled away to look at her. Her eyes were glimmering.
He let go of her, wincing. "I-I'm sor—"
"Always, Naruto," she said quietly. "Always."
She looked so frail Naruto remembered just how old she really was, just how much she'd lived through. She was a woman who'd lost everyone she'd ever loved, and it was showing. Naruto clenched his fists, berating himself for being such an idiot.
"Sorry, Baa-chan," he tried again. "I…I didn't mean to bring it up—"
"It's…fine."
Naruto looked away to give her some privacy.
"Naruto, really. I'm okay."
He squirmed. "It's just…you've lost everyone you've loved…and here I am complaining—"
Tsunade lifted his face with a finger. "That's not true, Naruto. I have you, don't I?"
A lump grew in Naruto's throat. Tsunade was someone he'd always gone to since Jiraiya died. He considered her family, and it didn't occur to him that the same could be true for her. "Th-Thank you."
Tsunade's eyes filled with fondness. "Idiot."
Naruto looked back down and finally noticed the sandals on his feet. A gift from Hinata. He'd worn his old ones to the ground, and she had bought him these to replace his old ones. These were now old too, but he was particularly attached to them. They were well-worn to the shape of his feet and were snug, comfortable.
"…B-Baa-chan?"
"Yes?"
"I—I love Hinata a lot." Something invisible squeezed his throat, robbing him of air. "I—I don't know." His voice a mere whisper. "I—I don't know what to do." He looked up at Tsunade. "Wh—what do I do?"
Tsunade's eyes softened. "Naruto, I can't tell you what to do. Especially with something like this. It's something you'll have to figure out for yourself. "
Naruto dropped his head.
"Sorry to disappoint, gaki."
He sighed. "You could—at least tell me what you think, right?" He gave her his best pout.
Tsunade pursed her lips and a long moment passed. Eventually, she let out a puff of breath. "You know what I think?"
Naruto straightened up, hopeful. "Yeah?"
"You've been in Konoha all your life. Maybe you should take some time out to explore. Take a vacation."
Naruto waited for her to laugh, say she was just kidding.
But she looked completely serious.
"Did you—just say—vacation?" Really? That was her solution?
"Yep." Tsunade sat back, crossing her legs, her lips twitching.
"But what does that have to do with anything? And I've explored, I was gone for almost three years with Ero-sennin, remember?"
"Well, yes, but that was for training, right? And Ero–" Tsunade rolled her eyes. "Jiraiya was the one taking you places, and you were thirteen. That's going to be different from traveling now, as an adult, yes?"
"Well—yeah—but…I'm Hokage, remember?" Naruto waved his hands, as if that might make Tsunade come to her senses. "I can't just up and leave—"
"You hired assistants, right? I'm sure Shikamaru can handle things for a month or two—"
"A—month?" Naruto sputtered. "Are you kidding—and why? What does travelling have to do with anything?"
"Yes, a month. Maybe even two—"
"T-Two?" His voice increased an octave. "B-But—why?" Just the thought of the pile of work that would be waiting for him—Shikamaru or no—
"Because, brat, I think you've been forced to grow up too fast, too soon. You married very young. You had a baby soon after. Traveling did good for me, staying away from Konoha and all the pain that it—you know. It might do you some good, too."
"Y-Yeah—but…" Naruto sat back in his chair, scratching his head. "Going on a vacation…doesn't seem fair…"
"What if you went on a long mission, then? One that takes you outside of Konoha? It's been a long time since you've been in action, yeah?"
Naruto sat up. "That—that actually sounds like a good idea."
"Maybe even tag along with Sasuke on his next mission, maybe," Tsunade tossed out, seemingly casually. "Who knows, you might be able to figure some things out on the road."
Naruto's eyes widened at that, not noticing the way Tsunade was watching him closely. "Oh!" He hit his palm with his fist. "That sounds like a solid plan! Actually, you're right Baa-chan, I think I just need some time and space." He sprung up from his seat again, his mind already spinning with ideas.
A crease formed on Tsunade's forehead.