dissonance

Contrary to what he told Naruto, Sasuke did not go back home until much later, until he was sure Sakura and Sarada were both fast asleep. Still, he wasn't able to calm himself down. Instead, the dread settling in his stomach grew heavier still the closer he got home. Nor could Sasuke fall asleep, his mind intruded by images of Naruto's expression, how panicked he'd looked that evening.

It wasn't until morning that Sasuke decided he couldn't stay in the village any longer and sprung out of bed. There was a village near the border of the Fire Country that he needed to check out anyway. Might as well move up his visit.

As he packed, his movements awoke Sakura. Her bleary eyes wandered to the open pack on the bed as he folded his clothes into it, and she sat up. "You're…leaving?"

"Yes."

"So soon?"

He heard the disappointment in her voice, and he knew he'd find more of the same in her face, mixed with the sense of longing that would pinch her features together. Sasuke turned away, making a show of looking for more clothes in the closet. "Yes."

"Why?"

Sasuke grabbed a bunch of underwear and started folding them into his pack. He heard the rustling of the bedsheets as Sakura crawled to his side of the bed.

"Sasuke-kun, is this because of what happened the other night?"

"No."

"Sasuke—I'm sorry, I really didn't—"

"Sakura." Sasuke finally looked at her and noticed the shame in her expression for the first time. He paused, not having realized that that night still weighed on her. "That wasn't your fault." He cursed himself inwardly. "I don't blame you."

It was my fault, for fuck's sake.

"Then why are you leaving so suddenly?" Sakura's voice broke, pulling at Sasuke's heart. "You only just got here." She took hold of his empty sleeve. "Please just stay a little longer, if not for me, then at least for Sarada's sake."

Sasuke closed his eyes.

Sarada.

He couldn't just run away like a coward. He had his daughter to think about.

But Naruto's wariness was still so painfully fresh in his mind.

"Not—not today, Sasuke. I need—space."

Sasuke gripped the piece of clothing he was holding, feeling something heavy like lead settle in his chest.

Sasuke couldn't make much sense of the events that had transpired the day before. All he knew was that he'd never seen Naruto look so—shaken. When Sasuke had found Naruto fighting off a horde of shadow clones again and again and again and again—

Sasuke could only guess at what was going on, but he knew that Naruto needed to take his mind off things, so Sasuke offered himself.

As if seeing him—shirtless—wasn't enough, Sasuke had to put himself in a position where he was close quarters with the idiot. But it was the way Naruto's eyes had lit up as they exchanged blows that had pushed Sasuke so close to the edge—

Had Naruto noticed? How Sasuke had been eyeing him? How Sasuke's heart had raced, thundering as loud as it had been?

"Not—not today, Sasuke. I need—space."

Space, when, at many points during the spar, there had been none. Even an idiot like him would have noticed.

Sasuke bit his lips, feeling the lead in his chest expand, pushing against his ribs. He wondered if it would ever go away.

He scoffed at himself. Of course not. More than a decade had passed, and he was still hung up on the dobe. All those years spent away from him hadn't done a thing to erase the pain.

But he did want to see that dumb face one last time. Just one last time. Then he'd give Naruto all the—space—he'd want, send him letters only to update him about his missions. Visit only Sarada and Sakura.

"No," Sakura whispered.

Sasuke glanced up, but she wasn't looking at him. Her eyes were fixed on the window, where a bird was making its way toward them. The Hokage's messenger bird.

"No," she said again and turned to Sasuke. "Sasuke-kun, don't go."

Sasuke set his clothes down and went to open the window, letting the bird in. He hated the way his heart leaped when the bird landed on his shoulder. Of course, it would only be for him. If it were anyone else, Naruto would have phoned them. But Naruto knew Sasuke never carried a phone on him.

Sasuke unfurled the little note tied to its leg. The writing looked rushed, making Naruto's chicken-scratch even more of a puzzle to decipher, but when Sasuke did manage to read it, he couldn't hold back a scoff.

Bastard, hope your ass ain't too whipped from last night, cos I got something for ya!

As if Naruto, who'd spent the last few years behind a desk, could whip his ass from that brief spar.

Interesting how just a few words from the dobe was enough to ease the ache, if only for a second.

A hand on his forearm made him look up at Sakura, who seemed to look at him with a sense of urgency that Sasuke couldn't quite understand.

"Sasuke-kun, please. He can wait."

"He's the Hokage." Sasuke tilted his head, frowning. "I can't ignore his call."

"No." Sakura shook her head. "No. You're not going."

"Sakura."

Sakura quieted for only a brief second before something awoke in her, her green eyes flaring up. "No. Do not Sakura me." She tightened the grip on his forearm. "You're always—you're always—" Her voice caught in her throat. She closed her eyes and took a shuddering breath before she continued in a slightly steadier voice. "Please, Sasuke. I—I know Naruto means a lot to you, but—what about me?"

"You mean…a lot to me, too," Sasuke said, perplexed.

"Then show me, Sasuke-kun." As furious as her eyes were, tears gathered at the corners of her eyes, threatening to fall. "Show me how much I mean to you."

Sasuke could only look at her, unsure of what she wanted from him.

As time passed, Sakura's eyes dimmed, and she let go of him, sighing. "I'm sorry. Just…go," she said, waving a hand in the bird's general direction. "Go." She looked away, hugging herself tightly.

As he looked at her downcast profile, it finally clicked. Here he was, suddenly cutting his stay at Konoha short, leaving his own wife behind to go after Naruto.

Naruto, with whom Sasuke was sure his relationship was over, except for this little note that seemed to suggest otherwise. Sasuke needed to go, to make sure, but he knew it'd be a mistake to leave Sakura now.

Sakura seemed almost surprised when she looked up and found him still standing there. They both stood facing each other, silence lying heavy between them.

Finally, Sakura said, "Can I…ask you something?"

Sasuke inclined his head.

"Do you even…" Sakura's lips trembled, but then she brought her chin up, gazing at Sasuke almost as if in a challenge. "…love me, anymore?"

"Of course, I do." Sasuke cupped her cheek. "Of course, I love you." Maybe not in the way she wanted him to, but she was family to him. She meant everything to him. That's probably why he was able to look her in the eyes while he said it. But it still didn't stop the twinge of guilt in his stomach. "I'm…sorry I'm like this, Sakura."

He wished he could move on from the idiot, focus on the one person who did love him, give her all that she deserved, and more. He leaned forward and kissed her softly. Pulling away, he held her gaze. "I'll try to be better, okay?"

It was all he could do for now. He just had to figure out what "better" would look like.

Sakura cupped his hand that was still on her cheek, her eyes clouding with emotion, but she tried hard to hold it back.

Sasuke took a deep breath. "But…I do have to go meet him, you understand, right? I'll be back soon."

Sakura nodded, her eyes sliding away to the side.

...

It was with a heavy heart that Sasuke finally made his way into the Hokage office, expecting another confrontation with Naruto.

But Naruto seemed…fine.

"You're late, bastard!"

More than fine, actually.

Sasuke wished he knew what went on in that blonde head of his. What made him rip a whole training ground apart and spar with Sasuke with enough force that it would've easily downed any average ninja? Was it really because Naruto discovered Sasuke's true feelings? Or was it something else entirely?

And what caused that panic attack right after? That look of anguish, of someone who realized they'd lost everything they had? That couldn't be about Sasuke. That had to be something else.

But now the blonde looked like nothing at all had happened last night. Hell, the idiot looked like he once did back when they were genin, when they were handed missions that would take them out of Konoha. His eyes were wide, his brows curved high, his lips—

It was a look filled with life that Sasuke couldn't remember the last time he saw. Those blue eyes of his—

Sasuke quickly shut down that train of thought.

What the hell happened overnight? Did Hinata somehow talk sense into him?

Sasuke felt something burn at back of his throat. The fact that it was Hinata and not him that—

Enough. He was here because Naruto summoned him, and then he would leave, give Naruto as much—space—as he asked for. Maybe this was a good thing. With Naruto out of the picture, maybe Sasuke could finally be able to focus on his actual family.

"What do you want, dobe?"

Naruto grinned. The same cheeky grin he'd given Sasuke after that spar. The same grin that always made Sasuke's heart skip a beat or three.

Tch.

"I'm going on a mission," Naruto said.

"You mean—I'm going on a mission," Sasuke corrected him, rolling his eyes.

"No, I'm going on a mission. Wanna come with?" Naruto still had that goofy grin of his plastered across his face, wide enough to split his face in two, bright enough for Sasuke's thoughts to sputter like a train running only on fumes.

Has he lost his mind? Sasuke thought, tempted to say it out loud.

Instead, he said, "Have you forgotten that you're Hokage? Your duty is here."

Naruto tilted his head. "No, I know I'm Hokage. But I need some fresh air. Shikamaru is more than capable of taking care of things while I'm gone. It's only short-term."

Sasuke could only look at him, wondering if this had something to do with yesterday. It had to. Naruto started acting strange the moment they met on that branch yesterday.

"I'm taking a break," Naruto said. "What's so hard to understand about that?"

"But…why?"

"Why not?"

Sasuke rubbed his forehead. This was going nowhere.

He decided to play along for the time being. "So, where are you going?"

"I have no idea. I just wanna beat the shit out of some bad guys and call it a day."

This isn't happening.

Sasuke decided to say it. "Have you lost your mind?"

Naruto grinned, his eyes sparkling. "Maybe."

As much as those stunning blue eyes distracted Sasuke, he was starting to become genuinely concerned.

"What happened?"

"Nothing really." Naruto shrugged. "Baa-chan just suggested that maybe it was time I took a break. So, I'm taking it. So—do you know of any space aliens threatening world domination?"

Tsunade suggested this? Was it she who made Naruto look so much lighter over night? Not Hinata?

The thought somehow made his chest feel less constricted.

Still, the glimpse of despair Sasuke had been privy to last night was branded into his memory. There was no way he could be expected to forget that so easily. "Be honest, Naruto. What really happened yesterday?"

"Bah, teme." Naruto waved his hand dismissively. "Always so serious. Everything's fine. What's so wrong about wanting to take a break?"

Sasuke saw right through it. He only had to look at Naruto for a long moment before he caved, his stupid smile faltering.

"Okay—fine." Naruto looked away. "Everything's—not okay. I just…needed some time away from everyone and everything. Happy?"

Everything's—not okay.

Sasuke's heart clenched. Did it have anything to do with Sasuke? If so—

Wait. "You said…you need time away from…everyone?"

"Yup," Naruto said.

"But…you're…inviting me?"

Naruto nodded. "Uhuh."

Sasuke was pretty sure he was missing something. "…Why?"

"Well…I…I miss going on missions with you, ya'know? It used to be a lot of fun."

Sasuke clenched his jaw.

Again with the mixed messaging. Sasuke was getting tired of it, of all the I miss you's and why won't you write to me's Naruto would spout as if they were lovers or something.

But was it really mixed messaging? Sasuke was his…best friend, after all. Of course, Naruto would invite him. Based on everything they'd been through. But why not also ask Sakura and Kakashi? They were also part of the old Team 7. So why just him?

And—being alone with the idiot, away from everyone? The very idea sounded dangerous. Painful. Knowing he would be so close but not being able to reach him—

What was scariest was the fact that Sasuke felt excited about the prospect.

But he couldn't. It'd bring everything he'd built for the last thirteen years come crashing down and—

"Okay," Sasuke found himself saying before he could stop himself. "Let's go."

What was he doing?

"Really?" Naruto stood up, hope so naked in his eyes Sasuke knew he couldn't take it back. "You mean that?"

"Yes."

This was so wrong. The way Sasuke wanted this, to spend time with Naruto, excited that he was going to be alone with him—

Disgusting.

Naruto walked around his desk, rubbing his hands together. "Do you have a mission in mind? Space aliens to beat up?"

Sasuke had to hold in a snort. The way he could still be so childish.

"No. You should know, I report everything to you. But there's a village at the border we share with the Rain Country that I've been planning on checking out. It might be nothing, but we have to go undercover."

Naruto's eyes gleamed.

Sasuke was beginning to see why Tsunade suggested something like this. Because he had to admit, he had dearly missed that look in Naruto's eyes.

A few days later found Boruto and Sarada sat atop a roof, watching their fathers' backs recede into the distance. They watched their mothers at the gates, talking amongst themselves.

They were both remembering the conversation they'd had about their dads'…relationship.

Neither of them knew what to think.

"Mama seemed…sad," Sarada said, looking glumly at her mother. "She wouldn't tell me anything, though."

"Same," Boruto mumbled. "Mom seemed confused." His fists were clenched. "Stupid, stupid, stupid Dad!"

"Hey." Sarada gripped Boruto's sleeve. "He's only going to be gone for a month. And it's just a mission. I understand needing some time out of that office."

Boruto snatched his arm from Sarada. "I'd get that, but why is he going with just Sasuke-san? That two-timing bastard! He's cheating on Mom—"

"Hey." Sarada hushed him. "We don't know that for sure. There's no way our dads would cheat! Plus, we don't even know for sure if they actually…love each other like that. That was just a theory, right? And you keep complaining about catching your parents making out." Sarada couldn't stop the resentment that leaked into her voice towards the end and hoped Boruto didn't notice.

"It better be just a theory," Boruto muttered darkly. "But you've seen how Dad seems more energetic every time Sasuke-san is around, and you said Sasuke-san only has a nickname for Dad and no one else—"

"I mean, he calls me peanut."

That shut Boruto up. "He—what?"

Sarada turned red, realizing her mistake too late. "Nothing."

A slow smile spread across Boruto's face. "Sasuke-san…calls you…peanut." He started snickering. "Peanut."

Sarada's eyes flashed. "Boruto."

Sakura hoped she imagined it. The way Sasuke had looked…excited—well, the Sasuke-version of excited—in the days preceding his mission with Naruto. She couldn't remember the last time she'd seen that much movement in him.

Sakura had always known how much Naruto meant to Sasuke—of course she knew, how could she not know, she was in Team 7 with them—but she didn't think it went anything beyond intense friendship.

Sasuke loved fiercely. He would hold those dear to him that much closer to him than an average person would. Of course, he would. He'd lost his entire family before. He was not going to let that happen again.

But, as Sakura and Hinata bid their husbands goodbye, she spotted a love bite peeking out of the scarf Hinata had wrapped around her neck. It was faded, almost healed, perhaps a few days old, but it stood out starkly against her pale skin. There were probably more underneath considering it wasn't cold enough to warrant wearing a scarf.

It stung.

As busy and tired as Naruto was, he still had time for Hinata.

Sasuke, on the other hand, had time at home between missions but—

He could hardly bear to touch her. Not once had he tried to touch her since that disastrous night. And she didn't dare initiate anything with him.

It stung.

All that time Sakura spent living apart from Sasuke, she'd store up her love, compartmentalize it away, if only so missing him wouldn't hurt so much. So much so that on the days he was home, all that love came to the forefront, and it was all she could do not to overwhelm him with it.

They do say distance made the heart grow fonder.

That was what she'd hoped Sasuke would feel, too, at least. Yet, even during the rare times Sasuke did get to see her, it never seemed like he had an overflow of love stored up just waiting to be spent on her.

Then again, she'd always known Sasuke wasn't the expressive type. She had known what she was getting herself into when she dated him, married him. Still, she had hoped he would open up to her eventually.

But he didn't. Nor did he try to spend every second of what precious little time he had with her devouring her from love—hell, even just lust at this point—built up from months spent apart.

But Sakura did come to understand over time that Sasuke wasn't a physical person, either. Coupled with the fact that it was the normal course of marriage considering they'd been together for so long with a kid. At that point, it went beyond love or lust, their bond was cemented in mutual understanding and respect on top of love.

And it did make the handful of times they were intimate that much more incredible. Sasuke focused on her, and only her. Her pleasure was his main priority, he was always trying to make sure that she was enjoying herself. She would feel loved, cared for, cherished, in his arms. He would smile softly at her, his touches gentle, belying the very real and lethal power his hand really held.

She felt lucky in that sense. She heard many of her female co-workers complaining about their husbands or boyfriends who thought everything started and ended with their dicks, leaving their partners unsatisfied and frustrated.

But Sasuke was not like most men, and for that Sakura felt blessed.

Yet.

Yet.

Sakura was always the one who initiated. Whether it was date nights or sex, it had always been Sakura. So, when, one day, out of the blue, Sasuke asked her out on a date, she had been elated.

Finally, she had thought. Finally!

As old as she was, she'd felt like a young girl again, when love felt new and intense. It was overwhelming, and she'd been more than a little anxious about it, but she welcomed it.

The dinner went well, she'd say. Sasuke was…well, he was Sasuke, quiet and reserved, but he was attentive, focused on her almost the whole evening, and it had made her feel seen, made her feel like she mattered to him.

And then—Sakura cringed.

What had gotten into her?

She had no way of knowing—

Sakura scoffed at herself. She had no way of knowing.

Her husband of thirteen years.

She still had a hard time reading him.

How much more pathetic could she get?

She wished they talked about it at least, but he had been unusually quiet. She wished he would talk with her.

Instead, he left.

Even after Sakura pleaded, he…left.

With Naruto.

Replies to reviews

nosimphere0, yeah, it's gonna take a while for our idiot to figure it out, but he's on his way. It's been a while since I wrote from Sasuke's perspective, so I hope you enjoy this fresh perspective. Also, thank you for leaving your sweet notes, i really appreciate it ? and they make me smile :) thank YOU for taking the time out of your day to review, because they mean so much to me, and they make writing this fic worth it. Hope you're enjoying a nice cup of tea or hot choc or something else as you read :)