Author's note: once again, beta'd by Shira_Taka!

just one night

All this time, Naruto thought.

All this time.

All this time, since they were fucking—thirteen , and Sasuke never said a word?

"Why didn't you…say anything?" Naruto asked again.

"You were already with Hinata—"

"No. I meant, before. Before I started dating her."

Sasuke looked down at his lap. The silence thickened, uncomfortable and suffocating.

"Sasuke?"

Sasuke picked at a loose thread on his blanket, staring intently at it. "I—I didn't think…I'd be… worthy."

Naruto blinked. "What do you mean by that?"

Sasuke fisted his blanket. "I was—broken. I still—am."

Sasuke's face was shadowed, and there was something heavy in those eyes that pulled at Naruto. Without realizing it, Naruto found himself moving to Sasuke's bed, remembering something Sasuke had said earlier.

'Why couldn't you have just let me self-destruct and die?'

The words coiled around Naruto's neck. Squeezed. They crawled under Naruto's skin and seemed to take control of his hands and put them on Sasuke's shoulders.

"Dobe, what're you—"

"Sasuke, you're not broken."

Sasuke opened his mouth. but Naruto cut him off, his grip on Sasuke tightening. "You're not broken. You're not. What the hell makes you think that?" His voice came out a little harsher than intended, but the Sasuke in front of him was drifting, and Naruto felt sick—desperate—feverish with a need to grab some hold of Sasuke, keep him here with him.

Sasuke leaned away. "I—I hurt you, Naruto. When you…were the only one on my side, I hurt you."

"You never hurt me—"

"Look me in the eye and say that again. I tried to kill you." Sharingan eye seemed to pierce into Naruto, eliminating the words in his throat. "That's what I thought." He scoffed.

"But—I don't blame you for it," Naruto protested.

Sasuke looked away. "There's no excuse for my past actions, Naruto."

"So? What does that have to do with being—broken? Of not being…worthy enough…for me?" Naruto leaned forward. "Do you realize how ridiculous you sound?"

Sasuke clenched his jaw. "Get the fuck away from me."

Naruto realized just how close he'd gotten to Sasuke. "O-oh. Um—s-sorry." He scrambled out and went back to his own bed. Then he looked back at Sasuke, studying him closely. Sasuke was staring straight ahead, a shadow over his eyes. He was drifting again, to a place unreachable and Naruto could feel a mounting sense of panic rising within him.

"Sasuke?" he whispered.

"I—I'm not like you," Sasuke said, his voice hollow. "I—have darkness in me. I can't just—I can't forgive as easily as you can. I could never be—whole again."

"So…you think that makes you…unworthy of life? Of…love ?"

At Sasuke's silence, Naruto burst out. "But I've always known that about you, Sas. I've known that and I still…I still… love you."

After all this time, it was surprisingly easy to admit.

"I love you." Naruto tasted the words again, savoring each word, feeling each syllable. "I… love you."

The words didn't feel enough, they felt weak in comparison to what he truly felt for Sasuke.

Sasuke's eyes were wider than Naruto had ever seen. But he was here again. Present. Naruto almost laughed with relief. Oddly enough, he felt as though he could soar through the sky.

"Sasuke, do you really think you can hide yourself from me?"

Sasuke only blinked.

"That's why I keep writing to you," Naruto said. "Why I always worry about you. I always worry that you isolate yourself too often. I wanted to remind you that I'm still here, that I'm still thinking of you. Hell, I think I've always loved you, even when you were out rampaging as you were back then."

It took a long moment for Sasuke to speak. When he eventually spoke, his voice came out in a croak. "W-hy?"

"I don't—know." His feelings for Sasuke had never made sense to him, but… "I just care about you. A lot." He scratched his head. It wasn't enough. Those words felt frivolous, almost. "I just…I can't put it into words. I just…I just always feel this… pull towards you. It's…it's kinda like how you described it—"

Naruto's heart fluttered. It was all he could do to keep the grin off his face. He crossed the small space between their beds and sat back down next to Sasuke. "I—I feel the same—too. F-For you."

Sasuke pressed his lips into a thin line, his eyes, as always, unreadable, impenetrable.

Naruto hesitantly took Sasuke's hand. "I—think about you all the time, too. I'm always wondering if you're safe, if you're happy. Some days, you're all I think about."

You consume me like no one else, Naruto thought, swallowing a lump in his throat. You're my whole life. Without you…

He thought he saw something flicker in those mismatched eyes, a shadow of something he couldn't quite make out. He wanted to banish the shadows, find what was hidden underneath. "You—there's something about being with you that makes me feel…unstoppable. Like— anything would be possible if we're together."

Another flicker, and then it was gone, a window shuttered.

Naruto tried not to feel disappointed. Because he understood. They were both married, with kids. There was no way this could go anywhere.

Then, something occurred to Naruto. "Hold on. If you already knew how you…felt for me…way back then…why…why did you marry Sakura-chan?"

Sasuke smiled wanly. "I thought that if I couldn't have you, then maybe I could make someone else happy. Sakura…loved me, so…"

"Ah."

"And…maybe a small part of me thought I could get back at you for marrying Hinata."

Naruto snorted. "You're awfully petty, you know that?"

Sasuke shrugged, but his lips curved into a subtle smile Naruto couldn't look away from.

Naruto tore his eyes away. "We're both idiots. We jumped into shit super young."

"Maybe," Sasuke said. "Or we were just that desperate for a family. We were boys starved for love, and when we had someone come to us offering that on a silver platter…how could we have said no?"

The words settled deep into Naruto's stomach.

Or we were just that desperate for a family.

Was that really the extent of his feelings for Hinata?

It was true he wanted a family. It was true he found that in Hinata. He felt grateful for her, for the fact that she loved him so, that she gave him a family, a home, his two lovely children.

All that, she did out of her love for him, and here he was…wishing he was with Sasuke.

After everything Hinata had done for him.

What a fucking piece of trash.

"Hey—" Sasuke started but Naruto jumped when he felt his touch on his arm. He looked over at Sasuke, whose hand was hovering uncertainly in the air before it was lowered.

Naruto looked at the hand. On a whim, he inched his own hand forward and touched a finger. The finger twitched but didn't move. Naruto looked back up at Sasuke, and it was all he could to not lean in and kiss those lips again. He wanted so badly to taste them again, even though he knew how wrong it was. And Naruto could tell from the look in Sasuke's eyes that he was feeling the same. Naruto took solace in it. He wasn't the only piece of trash here.

No—Sasuke wasn't trash. Naruto was the trash here. He caused this whole thing, because of his idiotic, ignorant younger self. If he'd only known—

"Naruto."

"Yeah?"

"Don't beat yourself up."

"But I—"

"No buts." Sasuke touched Naruto's cheek with the pads of his fingers. "It is what it is. We're adults now. We move on."

The thought of moving on from Sasuke when he was right there in front of him.

"Could you…really…move on? From—me?" Naruto held his breath. It would be better for Sasuke to be able to move on, but…

Sasuke slipped his fingers from Naruto's cheek, dropping his hand. Naruto could still feel the ghost of his touch.

"If only," Sasuke said.

Naruto grimaced. That wasn't what he wanted to hear, after all. If Sasuke could move on…at least one of them could have been happy.

"What about…you?" Sasuke asked, his eyes fixed pointedly away.

Naruto heaved a sigh. "No."

Sasuke looked back at him with a conflicted expression. The longing in those eyes pulled at Naruto with a strength he almost gave into.

"Let's—get to bed," Naruto forced out. "Gotta start early tomorrow, yeah?"

Sasuke nodded, a jerk of his head, and got up to draw the curtains close, shutting the pale moon out and throwing the room into a gray darkness.

Naruto went back to his own bed. He closed his eyes, trying to go to sleep even though he knew sleep might not really come to him after a night like this. He turned, moving his pillow around, trying to find a comfortable position, but his mind was still reeling from everything he'd learned, everything he'd just witnessed.

Especially back in the bathroom. It was the most emotion that Naruto had seen in Sasuke in so long that he had a hard time reconciling that with the cool exterior that Sasuke usually put up as a front. Yet, it was that Sasuke—angry—furious—yet breathtaking at the same time, it was the most Sasuke, with all his masks removed, that Naruto had seen in years that he almost didn't recognize him. Sasuke, who looked utterly, devastatingly beautiful even when mad. All Naruto felt like doing was look at him, take it all in. Naruto ached to see it again, to see Sasuke in his raw, most vulnerable form.

Naruto turned around, where he could just see a dark lump on the other bed outlined against the window. He touched his own lips, his cheeks, vividly remembering how Sasuke's touch had felt. How he tasted.

Naruto quickly turned back to his other side. His heart pounded, and his mind, without his bidding, imagined sleeping beside Sasuke, holding him in his arms, feeling him close against his own body.

Feeling hot, Naruto threw the blanket off himself and turned to lie on his back. He glanced back over to the other bed, where the dark lump didn't seem to have moved at all.

"Hey—" Naruto cleared his throat when his voice came out in a high squeak. "Um…Sas? You asleep?"

Naruto heard a snort. Then a rustle. "I might be if a certain someone didn't keep moving."

"Oh. Um, sorry."

After a pause, Sasuke asked, "Did you…want something?"

"Ah—no."

I just can't sleep.

Another pause, and then Sasuke said, "I can't sleep, either."

Naruto turned his bedside lamp on. Sasuke was lying on his side, watching him. Naruto felt his skin prickling under that dark stare.

Against every logical and reasonable thing screaming in his head (all of which sounded disturbingly like Shikamaru), Naruto found himself moving to Sasuke's bed.

Sasuke's eyes were the only things that moved as they followed Naruto.

His heart pounding, and Shikamaru still screaming in his head—why him?—Naruto slipped inside Sasuke's blanket.

Sasuke made no move to either give Naruto more space or push him out. Naruto looked at him. Really looked at him. His skin seemed to glow in the soft lamp light, softening his angular, but graceful features. Slowly, Naruto reached out, watching for the smallest sign of rejection, and touched Sasuke's face, tracing the curve of his brows, his cheekbones, and finally…his lips.

Why did I never realize the effect you have on me?

Naruto didn't dare move, as if this illusion in front of him might shatter if he so much as took a breath of air. It would be enough if he could simply lie here beside Sasuke, drink him in, feel that warm scent wash over him. This close to him, Naruto felt as if everything in the world was right, that if he could simply stay here in this bubble next to him, he would be the happiest, most content man in the world. This close to him, Naruto could almost taste those lips again. Those chapped lips that had felt so surprisingly soft. He felt a pull deep in his core that beckoned—

Naruto squinted his eyes shut, groaning to himself as he felt the all-too-familiar ache of his arousal.

This…was a bad idea.

Well, no shit, Naruto, the Shikamaru in his head said.

Shut up and let me concentrate!

Sasuke didn't let him, though.

"Open your eyes, " Sasuke's whisper washed over Naruto. The smell of rice mixed with something else in Sasuke's breath made Naruto almost dizzy.

Shit.

Naruto made to leave before he did something he'd regret when Sasuke snatched his hand, gripping it tight. Naruto looked at the hand, followed it back to its owner's eyes. Very slowly, Naruto laid back down, and placed his head back down on Sasuke's pillow.

Little by little, Naruto inched forward until Sasuke's face was so close Naruto became cross-eyed. He looked down at those lips.

I want to taste him again.

Naruto leaned forward, giving Sasuke time to stop him.

Just one more time.

Naruto breathed in shakily, taking in more of that warm scent that seemed to inject pure energy into his bloodstream. His heart was beating so loudly he was convinced Sasuke could hear it.

Please.

Sasuke's eyes slid close, his lips opening temptingly, and Naruto took them, closing his own eyes as he let his senses take over, letting everything that was Sasuke to wash over him, his taste, his smells, his muffled sounds. Naruto held his face, his lined yet soft face, the outline of his jaw, his cheekbones, and gods above he tasted absolutely divine. He tasted like the rice they ate earlier, but there was something so Sasuke about it that Naruto pressed deeper, slipping his tongue in, wanting more, more, more—

It was when his arousal became really, really, painful, that Naruto pulled away, panting.

This was wrong.

This was so wrong.

Sasuke was also breathless, his cheeks dusted pink. Naruto cupped his face, drinking his features in, desperate to memorize every last pore. He felt a pang in his chest as he realized just how giant of an idiot he'd been. This was the man who had been Naruto's whole life, and he still didn't really understand exactly what it was about this irritatingly elusive man that consumed him so much. Nothing made sense about his feelings for him. Naruto just wished he'd recognized what that pull he always felt drawing him to Sasuke really meant much, much earlier.

Because lying here beside Sasuke like this, knowing that he couldn't ever have him…

"Sas-ke, " Naruto said in a harsh whisper.

Sasuke touched the corner of Naruto's eye with a finger, catching a teardrop.

Naruto pressed Sasuke's hand against his own cheek. "This was a bad idea, wasn't it?"

Sasuke let out a puff of breath. "Which part? This mission? Or you in my bed?"

"Why didn't you stop me?"

Sasuke's lips twitched. "I've never been able to stop you from doing anything, dobe."

Naruto had not noticed before how every one of Sasuke's smiles looked different depending on how he felt. Or how watching his lips move was so mesmerizing.

"Sasuke…" Naruto tore his eyes from his lips and back to Sasuke's eyes. "Can we…for just…one night…forget about our real lives?"

Sasuke seemed to swallow. "What…do you mean by that?"

Naruto's eyes drifted back toward Sasuke's parted lips, wet and slightly bruised now. His core tightened. "I just…wish…that I could…pretend…for at least…one night…" His throat tightened as he looked back up at Sasuke. "One…night…where we could…just be…us…"

Naruto could see the want in his eyes, too. The desperation of it pulled at Naruto's heart. But Sasuke was holding himself so stiff.

Eventually, though, Sasuke's eyes dropped down to Naruto's lips and he parted his lips once more, tilting his head. Naruto took the invitation and closed the gap.

Something about this kiss felt different. As if Sasuke had been restraining himself earlier, because now it felt uninhibited…urgent. He was pushing into Naruto, slipping his tongue in as he did so, digging into his mouth and scouring it like a poor man looking desperately for gold.

Sasuke's hand moved almost reverently down Naruto's shoulder to his chest, playing with his nipples. Naruto's breath hitched and he pulled at Sasuke's kimono, removing the sleeve off his arm without breaking their kiss. Naruto found himself on his back now as Sasuke pushed, and Naruto pulled Sasuke in, deeper and deeper. This might be the last time he'd ever get to do this, and he was going to savor every moment of it. He ran his hands across Sasuke's back, feeling muscles rippling across his deceptively lithe frame.

When they broke for air, Naruto glanced at Sasuke's swollen lips and had a strange moment of envy at Sakura for being able to witness Sasuke like this more often than Naruto ever could. The thought of Sakura kissing Sasuke made Naruto's stomach twist uncomfortably, and he didn't know what to do with it.

The thought quickly vanished when Sasuke dived in for Naruto's neck. Sasuke kissed him everywhere, paying attention to every inch of skin on his neck and chest and stomach, stimulating Naruto in places he never thought could be stimulated, and it left Naruto both overwhelmed and wanting more.

As though Sasuke read his mind, Naruto felt light fingers on his boxers.

"Can…I?" Sasuke asked.

Naruto didn't think he could grow any harder at the sound of that rough voice. Pretty sure his own voice was shot, Naruto only nodded, and the boxers were off.

Sasuke eyed his member for a long moment.

Naruto became strangely self-conscious. "What? "

Sasuke merely touched him, brushing his fingers down his length. Naruto shuddered.

"You look ready to cum any second." Sasuke smirked. "I'm not even sure I need to do anything."

Naruto grew hot. "Excuse me —"

Sasuke took him by surprise and engulfed him whole, and Naruto thought his head almost exploded from the heat he was enveloped in. Sasuke went down on Naruto, his mismatched eyes fixated on him. Naruto groaned. Those eyes felt as if they were undressing every layer of identity Naruto had, peeling each layer off him one by one with each bob of his head until Naruto felt naked and transparent, until he felt as if he couldn't hide anything from that piercing stare of his.

At this rate—

"W-wait ." Naruto's voice was a thin whisper as he reached out to clutch Sasuke's hair. "I'm—close."

Sasuke blinked slowly.

Naruto didn't get a chance to react before Sasuke once again went down, his tongue twirling around him. Naruto gasped, gripping Sasuke's hair, feeling himself wind tighter and tighter until he felt he couldn't, and he burst, bucking into Sasuke's mouth as he emptied himself, out of breath as he leaned over Sasuke. Naruto was shaking, feeling as though Sasuke was trying to suck every single drop out of him.

They stayed like that for a few moments until Sasuke pulled away, his pink tongue wiping around his lips. It made something within Naruto jolt, and he leaned forward to kiss Sasuke, sucking on that tongue. Tasting himself mixed with Sasuke was something Naruto felt giddy about. It was unreal, and he wanted to taste more of it, more of Sasuke, the need of it engulfing Naruto, a hunger he had never known before in his life, a hunger so all-encompassing that even when Naruto felt himself running out of air, he only allowed just enough gap so they could breathe. Sasuke's face was barely an inch from his own, and Naruto didn't dare let himself blink lest this dream in front of him might vanish.

Instead, he dropped his hands and untied Sasuke's kimono, slowly pushing it off his body. Sasuke didn't move as Naruto took him in. Naruto had seen this body many times before, but it never failed to steal his breath. Shaky fingers moved forward to touch the smooth skin of Sasuke's shoulders, and trailed down his right arm, and then left, resting at the stump.

Naruto still remembered that dawn clearly. As clearly as the day Iruka named him Genin, or the day Sasuke risked his life for him on that bridge. Still as clearly as the times he met his father, his mother—moments that he never thought he could have and treasured all the more for it.

Even as clearly as more recent moments. Like the day his first child was born, or the day his little princess was born. The day he was made Hokage, finally.

And even those momentous days couldn't quite compare to that particular dawn in the ruins of what was once known as the Valley of the End.

He remembered lying there in the aftermath as both their stumps bled out over broken rocks, pain blazing all over his body but still not really feeling it. He remembered Sasuke lying beside him, looking just as beat up as he felt. Remembered those tears glistening in the light of dawn.

Tears.

All those years of people telling him to move on from Sasuke, that he was being an idiot, that Sasuke was just a lost cause who won't listen to reason—Naruto remembered feeling heavy with relief that he hadn't once wavered because of them. That he'd listened to his own heart and stuck to it, knowing that Sasuke just needed someone, that Sasuke would have done the same for him had their roles been reversed.

I know your heart, as you know mine.

He should have known.

I should've known…

Naruto bent forward and pressed his lips against what remained of Sasuke's left arm. "Sasuke, I…" Naruto felt tears burning in his eyes. "I'm…sorry," he whispered. "I'm sorry I didn't see you."

He should have known.

A hand cupped Naruto's cheek and tilted his head upward until Naruto met Sasuke's gaze. Sasuke wiped a thumb under Naruto's eye, one, then the other.

"I wasn't being fair, earlier," Sasuke said, eyes softened. "I know you never meant to." His lips curved upward. "I know you're an idiot."

Naruto breathed out a chuckle.

Sasuke continued, "And I could have said something, too, but I…" He let his hand fall from Naruto's cheek and looked away.

Naruto touched Sasuke's jaw and moved his head to face him. "No. You're worth it, no matter what, Sasuke. I…love…you. As you are." He hated how those words didn't feel enough, but he knew he never had any eloquence in him, and hoped his actions would speak for themselves. He touched Sasuke's forehead with his, moving his hand to hold the nape of Sasuke's neck. Naruto took a deep breath, taking in all that was Sasuke. His soft skin, his breath, his smells, they enveloped Naruto like a blanket protecting him from the cold. Naruto leaned in until their lips touched and he licked at Sasuke's lips tentatively.

Naruto's heart jumped when Sasuke responded and pressed himself close to Naruto, so close Naruto could feel the hardness between Sasuke's legs—

Naruto paused.

Sasuke was also hard.

To actually witness it was something else entirely.

For…me.

Naruto looked at Sasuke, his breath caught in his throat. Not taking his eyes off Sasuke, hyper-alert for the first sign of rejection, he hovered his hand a centimeter over Sasuke's boxers.

Sasuke nodded.

Naruto cupped him through his boxers. Sasuke's breath hitched. Something swirled in those unworldly eyes of his, dark and hungry. They held Naruto in place, until Sasuke put his hand on top of Naruto's, and moved it to the waistband of his boxers.

Naruto tugged at it and Sasuke lifted his hips, letting Naruto remove it.

There he stood, slick with precum, begging to be tasted. Awed, Naruto trailed his fingers down Sasuke's member, hand almost trembling. Sasuke made the smallest movement. Naruto slowly wrapped his hand around his length and looked back at Sasuke.

And Naruto understood why it felt like Sasuke hadn't blinked when he'd gone down on Naruto.

Because the more Naruto massaged him, the more Sasuke's face slowly lost its rigidness, softening into something so unguarded that it took Naruto's breath away. Sasuke shuddered, throwing his head back, letting out a moan that had Naruto's skin pimple with goosebumps. Eager to hear more of those sounds, Naruto crawled down to take him in his mouth. He worked Sasuke's length experimentally at first, licking at him, twirling his tongue around, and then more eagerly the more he tasted Sasuke, saw Sasuke, heard Sasuke, taking him deeper and deeper until he felt a hand thread through his hair. Sasuke groaned, almost pulling at his hair. Overwhelmed at the sensation, at his taste, his smells, his fucking sounds—it was all Naruto could do to keep a steady pace.

Naruto almost lost his control when he heard a soft whisper of "Naruto ." He looked up, frozen, to see Sasuke still in his pleasure, his eyes intense and dark with lust, all directed at Naruto. He almost forgot what he was doing until Sasuke tugged at Naruto's hair, jerking himself into his mouth. Naruto's heart raced as he went back on his ministrations, his eyes still fixed on those intense ones. On a whim, he started playing with Sasuke's balls, and Sasuke shut his eyes, a moan that sounded almost sinful escaping his lips. Sasuke jerked his hips again, as if on a primal instinct, and Naruto let him, entranced by the way Sasuke's face molded into expressions Naruto had never seen before. A needy whisper of "Naru—please—" and a tightening grip on Naruto's hair that bordered on being painful, had Naruto come out of his daze, but not completely, but he was present enough to move his mouth and hands the way Sasuke wanted him to, slowly increasing in pace the more breathless Sasuke became, until eventually he let out another strangled moan and exploded into Naruto's mouth.

It was in this moment of peak pleasure, with the sheen of sweat on Sasuke's skin glistening in the lamplight, amidst the sounds and smells of sex, that Naruto realized how deeply he had longed for this. The satisfying feeling of something clicking into place, the last puzzle piece falling into place to complete the picture that Naruto didn't even realize was incomplete until now.

Was it possible to miss something he'd never known until now?

Naruto kept his mouth on Sasuke's member, massaging him gently with his lips as the last of Sasuke's orgasm moved through him. Sasuke's eyes glittered darkly as he caught his breath, and Naruto crawled up to meet his lips once more, pressing himself close against Sasuke, holding him, needing him with a desperation he didn't really understand, kissing him as if to make up for all those years of lost time. It struck Naruto how familiar everything smelled, and how—right it made everything feel, and he pressed into Sasuke, relishing in Sasuke's muffled moans as Naruto slipped his tongue in, mapping the cavern of his mouth. He felt completely shattered, as if he was being unmade and put together and unmade again and again and again—

It was so different. A completely different world that Naruto had never experienced before, something beyond and vast and almost painful that it felt incomparable to what it felt to be with Hinata, something he could never hope to put in words—

Naruto froze.

Hinata.

His wife.

He pulled away, all the heat in his veins freezing with just one simple thought.

Sasuke caressed Naruto's face, a furrow forming between his brows.

Here Naruto was… cheating on his wife. Abandoning her.

Something Naruto had once thought only people worse than scum did.

He was…abandoning her. When she'd stayed true to him for all these years.

Naruto stared at Sasuke, horrified.

What are we doing?

Author's note:

yes, I know I'm evil. I'm not sorry :p

Replies

nosimphere0, sorry it's been so long! I hope you're still here, and that this chapter was worth the wait! If you're still here, THANK YOU. And to answer your question, they'll be switchers. I never really gave much serious thought to who's top/bottom, so...I can see both of them in both positions lol - to me they just love each other so much nothing else matters but being with each other, if that makes sense?