Chapter 27: Doubt

"I don't see why you're so focused on him."Scott says as he finishes making his plate in the kitchen. "All you do is spend time in the infirmary."

Jean, following behind Scott in line for dinner, smiles as she loads the plate she is preparing for Hawks with chicken yakitori. He can't miss chicken yakitori day. It's his favorite! This is sure to cheer him up.

"Jean, are you even listening to me?!" Scott demands, crossing his arms. Jean looks up at Scott disgustingly.

"Seriously, Scott? What is your problem? He's injured, both emotionally and physically. He needs all the help he can get."

"Then why not his father or someone else, why is it always you?"

Jean huffs and walks towards the door with Hawks' filled plate in her hand. She turns before leaving and looks back at Scott. "Look, I made him a promise, and I'm going to keep it. I broke one promise to him and will not break another."

With that, Jean walks out of the kitchen and storms to the infirmary, leaving Scott dumbstruck.

. ****** ***** ****.

Hawks' self-loathing in bed is broken at the sound of Jean's footsteps coming towards his room. While he hasn't made much progress with his wings, he has become tremendously good at knowing the rhythm of each person's walk, enabling him to predict who would be entering his room approximately one minute prior to them getting there. He quickly straightens himself up in the bed and finger-combs his hair.

His heart beats out of his chest when he hears her knock. "Keigo," she says tenderly, "I have dinner for you."

"Only one thing can make this moment better," Hawks mutters as he smells the air, "and I think today is about to get a helluva lot better." Be cool, Keigo. Don't be an idiot.

"Oh, uh, who is it?" Hawks says as "cool" as he can. Unfortunately, what follows is, well, most definitely not cool. Hawks, before being able to close his mouth all the way, chirps loudly.

That's the opposite of cool, dummy! I can't believe-

"It's Jean. I'm sorry, I can leave your food out here if it's not a good time. I was just-"

"Please don't leave!" Hawks exclaims, then slaps his hand over his mouth.

You blew it. You are such a fucking idiot. You just had to say one sentence that didn't make you sound like a complete moron.

The door begins to open. Hawks holds his breath, suddenly wishing she wasn't here, horrified to see Jean's reaction to his stupidity.

All worry leaves as he locks onto Jean's tremendous green eyes and wide, loving smile when she enters the room.

This never, ever gets old. She is so beautiful-

The smell of the chicken yakitori fills the room. Every worry seems to lift in the time/space sequence of his favorite food and his favorite woman, all coming towards him in perfect harmony.

"Man, you are an angel," he grins as she laughs and sets the tray next to his bed.

"On occasion, how about you?"

"Oh, easy. I'm a charming devil," he winks a wide, cheeky, devilish grin and they both break into laughter.

"It's great to see your smile, Hawks. I've missed it."

Hawks looks back at Jean dumbstruck, the second person in the last 15 minutes she has done this to.

"Let's get you sitting up so you can eat." She reaches out to grasp him by an arm and loosely by his back. "Easy now, move with me."

Hawks bites his lip as his body moves forward and up, fiery pain racing through his body. Damn, that was a buzz killer.

Hawks groans as his back touches the pillows Jean had placed while moving him. "Th-thanks."

"You're quite welcome. Now go ahead and eat before it's cold. Since I am here, I'll treat your injuries tonight. I'll go get the supplies."

. ****** ***** ****.

"Alright arms up, I have to remove your gown."

"Someone can't get enough of of me. Already wanting to see me half naked? I'm flattered."

"It's nothing I haven't seen before. You have to remember, I helped care for you when you were shrunk as a child."

Jean gasps when she removes the bandages, disheartened at how slowly Hawks is healing.

"Uh, Jean? Are you okay?"

"It's- it's nothing, Hawks. I'm sorry."

"Uh, that definitely does not sound like nothing."

"Hawks, please, I don't- it's just-"

"Just say it already. What is wrong?"

"Hawks, your back looks terrible. You are not healing how I would expect you to. I'm worried."

"It's- what? I mean-"

"Hawks, it's bad. You have to start listening to Hank. Snap out of your selfish bullshit. He's trying to help you and you're not listening to him, and that's hurting you and us."

"Jean-"

"I have to go." Jean says as tears begin welling up in her eyes. She runs out of the room.

Okay, that was very, very, VERY not cool.

Hawks puts his head on his palms. Yep, today cannot get any worse. At least the chicken was good.

Hank enters the room quietly. Without saying a word, he redresses Hawks' wounds. Hawks barely looks up to greet Hank as he pats Hawks' shoulder reassuringly, knowing there would be no words to soften the hurt Hawks is feeling. Hank leaves the room without a sound. As the door closes, Hawks buries his head in his pillow to soften his tears of agony.

I'm alone again. I let them all down. Some hero I am.

. ****** ***** ****.

"Any word from Hawks about the mission?" the President asks one of the men in the office with her.

"No, not a word. Actually, we haven't heard from or seen him for almost two weeks."

"This mission should be his top priority, and he is supposed to report back daily with updates. Not hearing from him for two weeks is completely unacceptable." The President says, turning to face the three men with her. "Hawks is our number two pro hero, and you're saying you have no idea where he is?! You have 24 hours. Figure it out before the public gets wind of this."

. ****** ***** ****.

"Jean, hold up second," Forge says, running behind her.

She turns to face their local tech expert. The young man comes to a stop in front of her.

"What's up, Forge? Is there something you need?"

"Are you going to see Hawks today?"

"-Yes, I'll be going later today. Why do you ask?"

"I managed to fix his phone. It took a lot longer than expected but it should be as good as new. I was wondering if you can take it to him for me? I am swamped with work so Won't be able to deliver it to him today."

Jean takes the phone from Forge. "I would be happy to do that, Forge."

Jean turns on the phone. As it boots to life, so does her face when she sees Hawks' phone background. Blushing, she looks longingly at the picture of the two of them taken a week before Hawks had left for Japan. She would give anything to have that moment back, or even just to see Hawks' face worry-free again.

Jean's daydreaming is abruptly interrupted as incoming text messages and voicemails begin to assail Hawks' phone. Jean's eyes narrow, catching a few of the messages from the HPSC.

*HPSC:

President 12:46 PM

Hawks where are you?

We need you to report in now.

*President 12:46 PM

You better have a good reason why you aren't answering.

*President 12:46 PM

There are going to be consequences if you're ignoring us. That girlfriend of yours is nothing but trouble

"Jean, is something wrong?"

Jean jumps, swiftly turning off Hawks' phone. "What? No- nothing Forge. I think Hawks needs be the one to turn on his phone. It feels wrong doing so."

"Well, tell Hawks we are looking forward to him being back with us. Thanks again for taking his phone to him for me. I appreciate you saving me the trip."

"I'll let him know. Thanks again, Forge."

. ****** ***** ****.

Hawks awakes to the cadence of Jean's footsteps later that afternoon again approaching his room, though this time they are accompanied by someone else's who he couldn't identify. As their voices became more audible, he realizes the mystery footsteps belong to Scott.

"I'm just saying, he's only looking out for himself. I don't want to see you get hurt. I mean, look at Rogue! Has he even thanked her or asked about her?!"

The footsteps stop outside the door of the infirmary. Jean, trying to whisper as she yells, interjects. "For crying out loud, he's your brother, Scott. Treat him like it."

Hawks hears Scott's footsteps begin again, this time unaccompanied by Jean's. As Scott's footsteps fade away, Jean's tears outside the infirmary door grow louder. A few minutes later, the tears cease, Jean blows her nose, and knocks gently on Hawks' door.

"Come in." Hawks responds, trying to sound as though the knocking awoke him. While acting is not Hawks' strong suit, fortunately Jean is too distressed to notice.

"Are you okay, Jean? I hate seeing you upset."

Jean collapses in the chair next to Hawks' bed. "I-I need to apologize for earlier. I had a friend die when I was ten and, well, a lot happened. When I saw your injuries earlier, I had a flashback and got scared. I- I care about you so much and I just want you to be okay. Please, Hawks, take your recovery seriously. I can't lose another one."

"Another what?" Hawks replies.

"Another… you know… close friend."

"I guess I didn't realize you saw me like that. I always thought you and Scott had a thing."

"Oh, uh… Scott? I mean, we have a little history, but he's kind of like a brother to me."

Hawks, recalling what he had just overheard, becomes very curious. "A brother? Like how?"

"You know, we grew up together. After the accident, your father took me in and shortly after that he adopted Scott-"

Hawks feels his body go numb. He can hear Jean's voice but can no longer make out the words she is saying.

"I'm sorry, you just said my father adopted Scott? Like, I was replaced?"

"Oh my gosh, Hawks. I'm so sorry. You didn't know Scott is your adopted brother?"

"Uhh, sure didn't. You mean the whole time I was living in such shitty circumstances, you and Scott had dad all to yourselves in this giant mansion? My dad adopted Scott because otherwise he wouldn't have had anybody, yet my dad left me, his own son, alone with nobody. Why didn't he look for me? It's like he just accepted maybe I was dead and moved on like it was nothing. Why was I not worth saving, too?"

"Hawks, I'm so sorry. I had no idea you didn't know."

"I just feel really isolated right now."

"How can I help?"

"Just, please don't leave me."

Jean gets up from the chair and leans towards Hawks to give him a huge hug. After their embrace, Jean reaches into her bag and hands Hawks his phone and Endeavor doll. "I guess this is as good of a time as any! Sorry it took so long to get these back to you."

Hawks smiles and takes his phone, but freezes when he sees his old doll.

"Where did you find it!? I was looking all over- I mean I was just wondering where it went. It's not like I was looking for it. It's nothing special-"

Jean places her hand on his shoulder. "Of course it's special."

Hawks takes the doll from Jean, before reaching up to Jean's hand on his shoulder. Holding it softly, he says, "You're one special woman, Miss. Gray. Thanks for giving these back to me ."

"Right back at you, Mr. Takami."

Smiling back at one another, Hawks suddenly drops his head as he lets go of her hand.

"Keigo, what's wrong?"

"I just… I don't think I'm the hero I'm made out to be. I'm so afraid of letting you all down. Rogue was injured because of me. Hank told me I'm a liability. I always work on my own because I'm afraid I might let someone down."

Hawks begins sobbing and clutching his doll close to his chest hugging it tightly.

"Keigo, we are all better as the sum of our parts. None of us are great without one another. We are a team, and we want you to join us."

"But what if I fail you?"

"Keigo, who put that in your mind?"

"What?"

"Who isolated you and abused you so much that you believe you do not deserve camaraderie or even just friends?"

"I don't want to get into it." Hawks says.

Jean finds herself at a loss for words. She reaches for Hawks hands and looks into his eyes. "You deserve the world, Hawks."

"I will do my best to believe that." Hawks replies, shaking his head. "I will do my best to believe I owe it to myself to get on track with my healing. First things first, I need to get myself out of the infirmary, and there's only one way to do that. By using my trademark speed and start training my ass off."

"It's good to see some of that spark, Hawks."

"Is your offer to train me still good?" Hawks ask nervously.

"It is."

"Let's start now!"

"Slow down, how about you get ready first." Jean replies.

"What? Why do I need to get ready?"

"Just take a shower. You smell like something the cat dragged in."

"Haha, well played, Jean." With that, Hawks gets up from his bed to shower. A hand grasps his arm as he stands.

"Hold on there, raptor, let me help you. We do want you in one piece after all."

"What are we waiting for, let's hurry up, we've got training to do!"