Chapter 28 – Should We Walk Away at Last?

She was officially, without a shadow of a doubt, in the 'this is so fucked up' territory.

Rather than have Naruto drop her off at the Uchiha Manor, she'd requested that he take her home under the guise that she was ready to make amends with her overbearing mother. And Gods, she'd felt like the shittiest person because he'd offered to come in and act as support, just in case Mebuki unknowingly provoked a panic attack.

"You sure?" Naruto asked once again.

More than anything, she wanted to confide in Naruto about everything going on in her life. She wanted to tell him why she'd made such an odd request without fear of him marching straight to Sasuke and beating seven shades out of him. She needed to tell him about how confused she felt and the feelings that were tearing her up inside. Damn it, she needed somebody who wasn't a part of that family to entrust with her devastating secrets.

But… she had no-one.

It was…

The loneliness was smothering her.

Before she could dissolve into her fast-approaching breakdown, Sakura smiled sweetly and got out of the car, saying while looking back in, "I'll be fine. Thanks for the offer, though."

He was reluctant in leaving her – she could tell by the uncomfortable setting of his jaw, as well as the frown he sent in the direction of her house. Rather than giving him the chance to ask once again if she was sure, she offered another smile and shut the door, walking away without another word.

She was going to hell.

Plain and simple.

They weren't even in, Sakura noted with a roll of her eyes, tossing her keys callously into the dish opposite the front door. Had her mother been home, she would've yelled about creating such a horrific noise when the keys clattered noisily against the dish. "Why can't you just put them down?" she was forever snapping. "Why do you need to throw them?"

Ignoring her phone alerting her of unread notifications, Sakura traipsed up the stairs at a sluggish pace, ignoring the family photographs that covered the wall. She only vaguely wondered what was so important to warrant constant vibrations or pings, before deciding it was probably one of the group chats that she was a part of. With how often the alerts were, Sakura decided there and then that if the last message didn't capture her attention, then she wouldn't go through them.

She didn't bother changing her clothes or applying makeup. Didn't even bother to turn the light on in her bedroom, instead allowing the light from the hall to spill inside, granting her enough light to navigate without bumping into anything.

There was no point to any of it.

To pass the time as she waited for him to pick her up, Sakura lay back in her bed, relishing in the silence. Her ceiling was smooth and despite the fact it hadn't been painted in many years, the whiteness of the matt paint her father had used continued to shine brightly.

More annoying alerts caught her attention and Sakura raised her hand, head tilting to the side lethargically as she watched the many messages pouring in one after another.

Bizarrely, even though her phone never stopped going off, she'd never felt more distanced from everyone. People were always popping up on her messages, always starting pointless conversations with false promises of meeting up before they all disappeared to college. When it came down to it, nothing ever came of those promises. Thinking about it, only three people had been by her side when she needed friends – no, not just when she needed someone, but just to be there, too.

One couldn't know a damn thing about what was going on.

The other couldn't even be in her life anymore.

The final one was…

A flash of his name on her screen had Sakura breathing out a sigh and sitting up, his message of being outside immediately deleted. As far as she was aware, Sasuke had never been on her phone or checked it, but she was scared of leaving that risk out there when it was so easily fixed.

Taking only her phone and keys, Sakura left her home, trying to shirk the dark cloud following her.

She must have failed. The moment she slid into his car, Itachi was watching her closely and asking, "Would it not be best to postpone this for another night?"

It appeared he'd come straight from the office, or at least hadn't had the chance to change his clothes, because Itachi was still wearing the fitted suit she'd seen him in earlier that day. And for a split second, she saw a flash of the same exhaustion that was plaguing her in his eyes.

"Probably."

His brows furrowed. "What are you trying to prove?"

Honestly? She didn't know. She wasn't sure about anything anymore, other than the relentless, suffocating weight bearing down on her along with the constant pain she was in. If she could knock one pain off her shoulders? Then why not?

Itachi sighed and surprised her by turning the engine off. "Go back inside, Sakura."

What the hell? She turned in her seat, frowning up at him until it slowly transformed to a scowl, because what was his problem? Hadn't he initially been all for her standing up for herself or taking charge or whatever? So why, when she was determined on cutting Ino off entirely, was he standing in her way? The one who'd seemed so goddamn supportive so far?

"But I…"

He gave her a moment to see if she would continue, but when Sakura failed to, Itachi told her simply, "You are in no fit state to return tonight."

"I can do this."

"No, you can't." Itachi sighed once more, pinching the bridge of his nose before massaging it briefly. "The pressure you have been under as of late is destroying your mental health. Do not push yourself right now."

But how was she supposed to just go back inside to that empty house, or worse, to the cold Uchiha manor?

Simply put she couldn't.

She didn't want to.

"If you won't take me, I'll take myself," Sakura muttered defiantly and without waiting for his response, she climbed back out of the car, storming her way up the driveway to her own.

Before she even had the chance to unlock it, however, a hand was encircling her wrist and all but dragging back to the house, taking only a moment to grab her keys to unlock it. His sudden taking charge startled her to say the least and worriedly, she glanced around the street, worried about what her neighbours would think seeing a man who blatantly wasn't Sasuke entering with her while her parents weren't home.

"Itachi, what do you–"

"I can't do anything about Sasuke," he told her. Even though he quietly shut the door behind them, to her, it may as well have been slammed. "But I can at least try and stop you from self-destructing."

Self-destruct…

"Are you insane?" she demanded in disbelief. "You think I'm self-destructing?"

"What else would you call this?"

"Trying to lessen the burden–"

"When you are not mentally fit to do so–"

"Are you saying I'm unstable?"

The sudden rise in both volume and pitch silenced the darkened hallway, and she could only stare in disbelief as Itachi reached out blindly, turning the light on. She almost told him to leave it off, because if she saw his features–

His bloodshot eyes were the first detail she noticed about him, taking Sakura's breath away when he squinted in the light.

All anger vanished. "What the hell are you doing driving in that state?"

He smirked at that, only briefly. "The tables are turning."

Shut up, she wanted to snap. "Is it just a headache?"

"Migraine," he murmured. "Possibly."

That masochistic idiot. Why hadn't he told her no? Why had he dropped everything and ignored his own health to help in her reckless plan of facing Ino once more? Was–

No, she thought resolutely, lips thinning. Don't put a name to it.

Instead of pushing further, Sakura sighed and approached him, daringly taking one of his hands in both of hers. He was freezing, she found. And unbelievably tense. Why he'd turned on the light despite being in such pain, she'd never know and so Sakura flicked the light back off, gently tugging on his hand.

"Come on," she insisted. "At least until it subsides a little."

"Your parents–"

"Aren't home."

The implications were impossible to ignore, but they were easily pushed to the furthest recesses of her mind as she continued to watch the muted agony in Itachi's tight eyes. He was fighting fiercely to remain in control, to remain composed. However, she could see it slipping. The mere fact that he allowed her to guide him upstairs told her he was in too much pain to argue.

Continuing to leave the lights off for his sake, Sakura carefully steered him towards her room.

"This is–"

"A friend helping a friend," she contended firmly. Glancing over her shoulder at him, she tried to ignore the anxious butterflies in her stomach. "You're sick, Itachi. Please, let me take care of you."

He'd been taking care of her for months now, after all. It was only fair that she assisted him when he needed it, too.

She'd always known that his relentless schedule would wind up making him ill, only now, Sakura was saddened to see that he was either too proud to admit it, or unable to stand against his father. Sure, Sakura knew Itachi had gone against him countless times now, but… It was always for someone else. He'd fought him for Mikoto's and Sasuke's sakes – her own, at times, too. Seemingly, however, when it came to himself, he couldn't stand up to his father and it broke her heart a little.

For the first time ever, the sight of her own bed made her nervous and her cheeks coloured at the fluffy pillows and stuffed animals littering the top half. She was quick to release his hand, damning herself when she noticed hers were growing sweaty while she swiped everything childish off the bed, giving Itachi enough room to relax comfortably.

He hesitated at the foot of it, leaving her to freeze in kneeling on the floral bedding, swallowing.

Gods, it was the worst idea she'd ever had, but what else could she do when he was suffering like that?

Discreetly wiping her sweaty palms on the teddy that she then threw to the ground, she told him quietly, "I'll go and find some painkillers and bring you a glass of water."

More hesitation. Then, "My car–"

He was trying to find excuses to leave, she realised, stomach churning. "I'll stay downstairs if–"

"It's not that," he told her, sighing. It made her reasonably wary when Itachi approached, because the closer he got, the more aware she grew of the charge between them, the one that had her anxiously anticipating his reaching out and touching her. He didn't. And Sakura couldn't understand why that caused the heat to explode to new heights. "It's selfish that my concern is of someone recognising it."

It was an ostentatious car, she supposed. Nobody on her street – hell, none of her friends – owned anything like it.

"It's just for a few hours." Sakura couldn't be sure who she was reassuring at that point, for they'd stepped beyond dangerous territory now, if such a place even existed. "Until it's safer for you to drive home."

"I can–"

"Please, Itachi?" she quietly pleaded, afraid to speak any louder as the truth weighed down on her already burdened shoulders. "I can't stand the thought of something happening to you, especially if I can prevent it."

Gentle, cold fingers barely grazed her cheek and out of pure cowardice, she shut her eyes, unable to face the emotion she knew she would find there in his.

Then, her heart both soared and broke simultaneously when his lips brushed her forehead, his words whispered against her skin softly. "None of us deserve you." Sighing wearily, he added, "Thank you, Sakura."

She attempted to ignore the charge that snapped at the air around them, going as far as to smile shyly and turn away, intent on busying herself with finding painkillers to soothe his migraine. The feeling between them was bordering on unbearable, chipping away at all rational thought and self-control and if they stood any chance in hell at remaining friends, then she knew she had to learn to live with it. Hopefully, by doing that, they could move on from it because as petrifying as the realisation was, she sure as hell wasn't ready to let go of him.

When she returned to the bedroom, Itachi was cautiously laying down on top of the covers, having removed his jacket and shoes and leaving them neatly beside her desk. He tried apologising for leaving them on so far into the house, but Sakura assured him it was fine. She hadn't given him much of a choice, had she?

"Here," she offered while daring to sit on the bed with him. In the dark, it appeared her wants were heightened, and she fought valiantly against that awful side of her wishing to give in. "These should help."

Much to her happiness, he accepted her help and took the painkillers without argument, smiling faintly afterwards. "How is it you're still kind despite all that's happened?"

She shrugged half-heartedly. "Maybe it's more reason to be kind, because I know what it feels like to…"

The trailing off had Itachi sighing, gaze drifting down to the careful space between them. "Sasuke tells me you're attending therapy sessions with him."

Her head shot up, wide eyes trying to meet his, but the shocking shame she saw in them kept his gaze lowered, refusing to make contact. "He's talking to you about it?"

"Not without struggle."

"He's trying," Sakura murmured, feeling sick with herself. Sasuke was trying hard to change himself and there she was, inviting his brother into her bed.

Itachi remained silent and she was unable to look away, watching him with a curling stomach as he glanced up at her ceiling, unknowingly repeating the same listlessness she'd experienced only half an hour ago. Even the expression was similar, Sakura realised, heart aching at the realisation that smashed into her mercilessly.

He was lonely too.

With palpable indecision, Sakura shuffled further up the bed, unable to meet Itachi's wary gaze as she lay down beside him, hand trembling as it came to rest beside his. Both motionless, remaining cautious of the scant distance between their skin. She copied his example of staring at the smooth ceiling, heart palpitating ridiculously at the briefest of brushes of their pinkies.

Could he feel it too? Not just the charge trying to bring them unforgivably closer, but the relief? Sakura didn't look up to find out, too afraid of what she may find. The safest place for her to look was the same ceiling she'd been unable to tear her gaze from earlier. The tension was undeniable, their wants tangible in the air around them, but Sakura found herself fixated on how staring at her ceiling helplessly didn't… Even with their wariness of touching, it didn't feel as lonely with Itachi by her side.

The buzzing of her phone threatened to destroy the peace between them as paranoia had her immediately checking it, apologising briefly for the brightness of the screen when she noticed Itachi shut his eyes against it. Turning it down, she read through the messages, heart skipping a beat at the hundreds – literal hundreds – of messages from a single group chat.

"Sakura?"

"It's…" She shook her head, skimming through the messages. Even Sasuke and Naruto were involved in the conversation. "It seems your friends are arranging another night away. This weekend."

"Yahiko-san?"

Sakura nodded. "Everyone's up for it, it seems. Even Sasuke-kun."

Putting her phone aside like it could take her apprehension with it, Sakura returned her uneasy stare to the ceiling, aware of Itachi doing the same.

"It will be an eventful evening."

"…Yeah."

"What are you worried about?"

She swallowed. "Naruto doesn't know."

Understanding had Itachi sighing, but she was grateful when he didn't look at her. "You are worried that he will catch on, given how intense it has gotten as of late." She barely even nodded. "Would that be bad?"

Very. What if Sasuke lashed out in some way – nothing too extreme – and it had Naruto watching them closely? Or worse, what if something happened and Naruto lost his shit? Her friend wasn't the biggest guy, but he could hold his own and she knew he wasn't afraid of putting Sasuke in his place when he found it necessary to do so.

"I don't want them to fight," she whispered.

"You would have someone to confide in."

"I have you–"

The silence that followed her abrupt cut off was tense, with neither of them daring to move or look at one another. Her confession hung between them with the response going one of two ways, unless they went with the third, hidden option which was to sweep it under the rug and pretend like she hadn't just admitted to how heavily she relied on him with three simple words.

Then, he surprised her by saying softly, "I am not enough."

How could he even say that? She wanted to demand that he continue, that he explained himself because how the hell, after everything he had helped her through, could he say that he wasn't enough? Where would she be without his constant support over the past few months?

"How can you say that?" she finally demanded, voice threatening to get stuck in her throat as she sat up to glare down at him.

"How can you not agree?"

"Because you've been there," Sakura snapped, unable to believe what she was hearing. "For me. Countless times."

"And yet nothing has changed," he answered calmly.

The reminder of his migraine only just had her resisted the urge to yell in disbelief, "Everything has changed."

Just as she had, Itachi slowly sat up, hand coming to the bed between them to steady himself. The sight had her growing more worried than angry, because she'd honestly thought his migraine would start lifting with the aid of her mother's painkillers.

"Are you still suffering?"

"That's–"

"That is everything," he corrected firmly, meeting her gaze with the same conviction. It trapped her, making it impossible to look away from the traces of anger she found in his squinting eyes. "Your happiness is everything."

It wasn't his responsibility, she almost snapped. But in doing so, she would be… Sakura was unsure. What she did know was that she had no right in telling him what was and wasn't his responsibility, not when she continuously ran to him in need of his comfort and help.

They were so close, Sakura realised during the pause in their disagreement, eyes drawn to the tension in the arm Itachi was holding himself up with. His hand was a mere inch or two from her knee, the sight of him potentially brushing against the bare skin of her leg sending a stupidly powerful shock through her system.

But like the selfish idiot she was, Sakura ignored the warning signs.

Instead, she pushed on, even while knowing exactly what was going to happen if she did, knowing how disgusted she would feel about herself afterwards, knowing exactly how selfish she was for doing so.

Maybe Itachi wasn't the masochistic one? Maybe it was her?

"So is yours," she insisted, unable to make her voice any louder than a whisper.

Apparently, he appreciated the lower volume. His eyes shut, a sigh of relief leaving him and making her own eyes shut when it reached her. They were too close, she warned herself. Way too close.

"But how could I possibly be happy knowing you are hurting?" he demanded quietly.

Get out of there, her mind snarled. Don't push it!

Her heart refused to listen, though. It clung to his every word, desperate to cling to him because whenever Itachi was around, the loneliness wasn't half as bad as it usually was. With him around, the weight on her shoulders was bearable.

With them being where they were, if they started anything, Sakura knew what it would inevitably end in. She could feel it in her warming stomach and throbbing sex. And she knew that Itachi knew it too. How could he not when her shallow breaths were so obvious? When her cheeks felt so hot?

"Sakura."

The deeper than usual tenor of his voice was unfair and like it was in control of her, Sakura unconsciously shifted closer.

"We can't."

But his actions said otherwise as Itachi reached up, cradling her face with more delicacy than she was used to experiencing.

"We agreed to move on."

How was she supposed to move on when he felt so much like home? When he eased the loneliness that crippled her? When merely sitting in his presence toned down her anxiety?

"I know," she whispered guiltily, head swimming when their noses brushed.

She saw him swallow before she shut her eyes the next time their noses touched, an indication that he was perhaps just as torn and nervous as herself.

Then relief crashed through her in devastating waves when they met halfway in a lingering kiss, their next one allowing her to breathe out a shaky sigh against his lips. The hand once cradling her face acted more as a guide as Itachi tilted her head slightly, making their next kiss deeper when their lips parted.

It was effortless getting lost in him, Sakura quickly discovered at the change of pace and pressure, her heart soaring as the dark cloud pouring down on her finally disappeared now that she was home.

A burning pulsation flared up demandingly between her thighs the moment their tongues tangled, her quiet mewling easily silenced. And she enthusiastically copied his hand as it slipped through her hair, tangling in it, allowing her to use him for balance when she gave herself the height advantage.

Her mind was effectively silenced, all negativity chased away like she was untouchable in his arms.

Sinful lips travelled down the length of her neck when Sakura needed to breathe, green eyes remaining shut, mouth parting with a breathless sigh. Combined with the straightening of his back so that he could use both hands, hands that soon trailed along her waist and back, she was lost to the passion, thighs parting instinctively just as Itachi tugged her closer.

This is it, she thought, briefly meeting his gaze.

She straddled him without hesitation, hips driven entirely by the fire raging in her, rolling into his the moment she lowered herself onto his lap.

They swallowed one another's soft moans, her hands disappearing into his hair.

This was what she needed.

Someone who understood not only the situation but her too. Someone who opened their heart to her, giving her safety and love and a place to call home.

Chest flat to his, she could almost feel his pounding heart mirroring hers. Tugging, stretching, unbuttoning, all but tearing the shirts from the other's body, their unsteady hands eager to touch wherever they could reach. She could feel his hardness pressing up against her, spurring her on, demanding that they remain uninterrupted because damn it, they wanted it. And she showed that she was no different, their kiss a mess of lips, tongue and teeth when she intensified their once unhurried grind.

She needed him in every way.

But the moment was shattered when Itachi attempted to turn them around, to lower her to the bed and Sakura's heart stuttered with anxiety when he suddenly covered his eyes, grimacing. His jaw was clenched, a vein protruding on his forehead.

"I-Itachi?"

"Migraine," he barely managed to say, voice losing its smoothness to make way for gruffness.

"C'mon," she instructed. Sitting up, she guided him in laying down once more, frowning with concern when he kept his eyes covered. It was with gentle hands that she reached up and coaxed him into releasing them. "Relax your body, Itachi. Do you need me to get you anything?"

It was while he gathered his composure that Sakura snatched her discarded shirt, slipping it back on swiftly to assess his strained features once more.

"I don't…"

He didn't know. Damn it. Biting her lip, she glanced around her room before quietly telling him one moment and taking extra care in getting off the bed. Seconds later and she returned with a damp flannel, the coolness of it on his forehead relaxing his features.

"Should I call Shisui-san to pick you up or move your car?" she offered unsurely. "I don't know how long my parents are out for."

When he barely even nodded, fear seized in her chest, but it soon eased up when she heard his breathing evening out. It was no surprise the exhaustion was finally catching up with him – his work schedule was ridiculous – so she didn't try to wake him when Itachi gave in to sleep, allowing it to take him with ease.

She reached out carefully, lifting the flannel long enough to brush his hair back before replacing it with a sigh.

Then, she fired off a text to Shisui, asking that he call her as soon as he was free (just in case he was working). A text to her parents was next, asking where they were and if they had any intentions of returning home simply because she'd misplaced her keys. It wasn't a bother if they weren't coming home, she'd added, because her friend was waiting in their car knowing she'd lost her keys.

Next task, Sakura decided with fiery determination, was to lessen the burden on Itachi's shoulders one way or another. Just as he believed her mental health couldn't handle any more confrontation, she sincerely believed his physical health couldn't withstand the pressure of his schedule.

With her sadness well and truly pushed to the back of her mind, she got up just as her phone began to ring, leaving the room to let Itachi sleep.

"Shisui-san," she greeted quietly, shutting the door. "I need your help."

"Moving him will make him worse," Shisui informed her as he silently shut her bedroom door, frowning minutely. "He used to get migraines when we were kids and moving him made him sick."

Shit.

Rolling her lower lip between her finger and thumb, Sakura held her phone close, waiting desperately for the reply from her parents.

"Sakura-chan…" Awkwardly, Shisui shoved his hands into his pockets and it only just occurred to her that he was in his uniform, though it seemed his hat was left in the cruiser with his partner. "I'm not going to ask questions."

Good, she thought with a mental sigh. Due to his being out cold, she hadn't been able to put his shirt back on. It was no longer suspicions, for Shisui now had rock-solid proof of what was happening between them.

"Whatever is happening is none of my concern," he continued carefully, at length. "I will move Itachi's car this once and take it to my place. However, the two of you…" He sighed heavily and rubbed at his face. "You both need to be careful."

Yes, she knew that already. But with her concern being Itachi in that moment, everything else seemed so un–

Her gaze shot to the phone in her hands, anxiously reading the message from her parents until she sighed with relief, falling back to the wall behind her.

"Good news, I take it?"

She nodded. "My parents thought I'd be away for longer, so they've gone on a camping trip while it's so hot."

Meaning she and Itachi would be alone for the whole night, unless Shisui decided to take a risk in moving him. And while part of Sakura knew that it would be for the best if he left, she didn't believe it to be worth making him sick. It was her being selfish.

"So, what's happening? Is he staying?"

Hesitantly, Sakura nodded. She fidgeted restlessly with her phone in a sad attempt to ignore the swell of unease it created.

"Just be careful," warned Shisui again, sighing.

Or as careful as she could be, considering the circumstances. Instead of replying, she nodded in understanding and walked Shisui to the door, not surprised to find he'd already snagged Itachi's keys while checking on his cousin.

"Tell him I've left it at my place."

Gods, what was she doing?

"Bye, Sakura-chan."

And she was dragging someone else into their infidelity, too. What the hell was wrong with her?

No, Sakura decided with a resolve that slowly strengthened. Internalising wasn't the way to go about it all. When… As soon as Itachi was awake (if he was feeling better), then she would question him about what was going on and what any of it even meant.

While, as of late, the connection between them had been growing unbearably sexual, Sakura knew that there was still a strong emotional connection between them, one that strengthened the physical need they were feeling for one another. What exactly she was hoping to discover or happen, she wasn't sure. But… But she needed to know what Itachi felt, for definite. She wasn't going to guess anymore.

And Sasuke…

Another alert on her phone grabbed her attention and Sakura looked to it warily, heart sinking when she found it was from Sasuke.

Stopping at the top of the stairs, Sakura slowly sank down, head falling into her heads.

'Are you still coming tomorrow?'

Gods, she was so messed up. 'Of course! What time again?'

'4pm.'

Swallowing, she tried to suppress the feeling swirling in her stomach uneasily. That allowed her way too much time alone with Itachi and although she wasn't scared of being alone with him, she was worried about her lack of morals. How easily she gave into temptation was unforgivably cruel.

Everything was spiralling out of control, way too fast for her to so much as contemplate trying to stop any of it from unravelling.

Standing and making her way over to her bedroom, her fingers were fast in tapping out a response.

'I'll see you tomorrow, then. Night, Sasuke-kun.'

She peaked into the room and spotted that Itachi had turned onto his side, the flannel skewed and threatening to soak the pillow. Sighing, she approached him and righted it, frowning at the pang in her chest when she saw how at peace he was while sleeping.

Then, her attention was diverted, the vibrating of her phone causing her to look down at it.

'Goodnight.'

She was the worst kind of person, Sakura decided. And that feeling only multiplied as she finally gave in to the pressure of her heart. Relaxing beside Itachi in the bed, the weight on her shoulders slipped away entirely when he shifted, arm coming around Sakura and dragging her against him. It felt so natural, so normal that it tore at her, because she wanted it.

"Thank you, Sakura," he murmured sleepily, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

She wanted it all.

"Night," she whispered, barely making a sound.

His sigh washed over her, and Sakura felt herself giving in entirely when one of his hands rubbed her lower back soothingly, soaking up his embrace almost desperately, because this was it. The comfort, the love, the easiness. It was exactly what she wanted with Sasuke and more.

"Goodnight," Itachi replied, the softness of his voice, the tenderness of his embrace, easing her into a peaceful night of sleep.

A/N - Hi everyone! Thank you so much for all of your love and support. After these horrible past few weeks, I've truly appreciated it.

Feel free to skip this not-so-little rant! Or maybe, if you have any experience with autism or self-harm, maybe give it a skim and see if you have any advice? Pretty please?

Things are kinda going from bad to worse, at the moment. My kitchen ceiling collapsed and guess whose bed is directly above it? Only my son's. Thankfully, he wasn't in his bed when it came through, so he's perfectly fine. The bad news is that I've got a shitty kitchen I can barely even use and my landlady's dad (since she's gone on holiday and couldn't help) said that it's an insurance job, which could take months. Months. There's a hole in my kitchen ceiling, we've been spending money we don't have because of the state of our kitchen and the problems the damage has caused, and he's saying flippantly "Oh, it could take a few months." And you know things are bad when your usually laid back, tough upper lip fiance is almost in tears because of it.

Being an adult fucking sucks.

And you know how when it rains, it pours? Well, we recently had a hospital/specialist appointment for our son, who was referred due to showing signs of having autism. Our main concern throughout it all has been his self-injurious behave, because he'll full on smash his head into stuff repeatedly, pull his hair out, bite himself to the point of drawing blood and doesn't even feel it. He freaking laughs about it.

Well, anyways. Due to the pandemic, all appointments are phone calls only, which I reluctantly accepted, because at the end of the day it's still something, even though I personally believe it would've been more helpful seeing our son in person and seeing the behaviour for themselves. So anyway, it's appointment day and we're waiting anxiously for the call (been waiting for nearly two months now for this appointment) and they don't even call. We got warning texts with a specific time and everything, but nope. Nothing.

A week or two later, a doctor finally calls up and says I know this is sudden, but are you free to talk about your son now? I'm desperate at this point, because he's getting worse with hurting himself and gets overwhelmed whenever there's any kinds of noises. Literally the only thing to soothe him at the minute is Billie Eilish or Wishing Well by Juice Wrld. Did he offer any advice? Nope. Instead, he kept saying, "It's not for certain, but your son is displaying a lot of red flags, so I'll refer him to a child development team who can assess him thoroughly." Like, great and everything, that's progress. But while we're waiting months for this appointment, we still haven't got a clue how to stop him hurting himself because nothing we do seems to help, not even Billie or Juice Wrld and they're our last resorts. His response? Keep an eye on him and the CDT will be in touch soon. That's it.

I feel so useless. I dread taking him out because he gets overwhelmed and I'm scared of stressing him out or triggering him hurting himself, but keeping him inside for fear of overwhelming him isn't helping or going help in the long run.

Does anyone have any experience with this? Maybe not autism or the going out part, but with dealing with self-injurious behaviour? I've tried redirection, tried cuddling him through the meltdowns, tried giving him something else to beat up instead of himself, tried his favourite people and shows. Nothing. I'm at a total loss and seeing him hurt himself is killing me. Even if he doesn't always feel it, that's my baby, y'know? And he's hurting himself.

Anyways, if you've read all that, thank you so much. I'm sorry that updates have been so slow - especially to those of you who bought commissions - but yeah, that's why. Life's just hard right now.