Chapter 31 – I'm Begging You to Stay
What felt like an eternity passed during her attempts to process what just happened.
Up until that moment, Sakura was hyperventilating and unable to catch her breath. Not even when her lungs burned horrifically and begged of her to calm down. But the collision soon fixed that for her. It viciously stole all ability to continue her hyperventilating – to simply breathe outside of a single, terrified gasp while crashing to the ground. She couldn't even think for several agonising moments, for her mind came to a screeching halt that worked to immobilise her entire body. It felt as though everything was shutting down.
"Fuck!"
She couldn't move.
Sakura stared up at the dark sky with wide eyes.
She couldn't move.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck!"
The world was shaking around her and she glanced downwards, certainly not prepared or even capable of preparing herself for the gore that undoubtedly awaited her, because for the briefest of moments, Sakura managed to recall the harsh impact and paired with the inability to move her own limbs, she…
It was safe to say her mind was slow in catching up with her and she was terrified.
"Say something," came a trembling voice that took her way too long to recognise. "Please, say something."
Fearfully, Sakura once more tried to move and the breath finally returned to her as she managed to wiggle her fingers. There was still no pain, much to her confusion and while it scared her a little, she knew she couldn't complain.
"S-Sasuke…kun…?"
It confused the hell out of her when the ground beneath her shifted, but only for a moment, because she was being settled to the actual concrete that time and Sasuke was appearing above her. With his features pale, eyes impossibly wide and filled with tears, the quivering and rapid rise and fall of his chest, he looked as terrified as she felt and horror laced through her when blood belatedly caught her eye.
What the hell happened?
"I didn't think I was going to…" Sasuke swallowed hard and abruptly looked her over, shoulders sagging with what she assumed was relief. It told her that there were no worrying injuries – if any at all. It was his blood. "You've gotten really fast."
A breathless, single chuckle left her. Sakura wasn't sure what else she could really do in their situation. Talking felt impossible with how slow her mind was taking to catch up on everything and she was fairly certain it would take her a little longer to be able to move voluntarily again.
"Sasuke! Sakura-chan!"
"She's…" Another heavy sigh of relief and Sasuke sat back on his haunches, but even then, he didn't release her. Only then did Sakura realise that the main reason why she hadn't been able to move moments before was down to him. "She's okay."
Her thoughts were confirmed when her legs responded relatively well, knees bending.
"Stay down, Sakura-chan," warned Mikoto and Sakura wondered when she'd arrived.
"The car didn't hit her," Sasuke unknowingly confirmed for her.
She looked back to her boyfriend almost as though she was in a trance, finally able to recall that the powerful impact that she'd believed to be the car was in fact, him. It was the force of him yanking her backwards, her feet catching, that had caused them to fall to the ground – not the car.
It… hadn't hit her.
She was okay.
How was she supposed to feel about that?
"Even still, it will be a shock," Mikoto told them both and she glanced up at the woman when she knelt beside her, frowning at the pained understanding in those dark, scared eyes. "Give it a few moments, Sakura-chan. Then you can sit up." Much to her utter relief, because Sakura wasn't sure if she could handle that knowing expression, the eye contact broke as she focused on Sasuke, asking, "Where is your brother? I heard a commotion?"
It was at the empathetic grimace on Sasuke's features that Sakura recalled what she had done to Itachi and she felt herself blanching, hands finally balling into tight fists.
"He's going to need a few minutes," came her boyfriend's uncomfortable reply and she only vaguely noticed the way he shifted like he was experiencing second-hand pain.
"Why? What happened? Is he hurt?"
The breath was once more trapped in her lungs when Sasuke briefly met her eye and although he didn't answer, that was somehow much louder, more damning, than if he had.
It granted her with the courage to snap her knee upwards to his most delicate, entirely unguarded area and while the air viciously left his lungs and he collapsed to his knees, Sakura darted for the door, momentarily struggling to escape from the other brother as they remained motionless at the door, stunned by the sudden violence.
Thankfully, Mikoto quickly became distracted once more. "Sasuke, your hand!"
"It's nothing–"
She hurt him.
"Do not tell me it's nothing when you're bleeding so heavily!"
"Forget about my hand. Sakura is the main concern," he shocked her by snapping.
She hurt Itachi.
Stopping the tears that were quick to overflow was a losing battle when all Sakura could do was staring up at the sky in horror. What made it so much worse was the two on either side of her seeing them, though she was thankful that they didn't know why she was really crying. She briefly picked up the words in shock and relieved, but… They couldn't have been more wrong – about the relief, that was.
"Let's get her inside, Sasuke," Mikoto instructed gently, but she couldn't feel the comforting hand on her shoulder.
She hurt Itachi.
Saying that she needed a bath to try and clear her head after returning to her destroyed bedroom, Sakura hid away in the bathroom, lowering herself to the tiled ground with her phone clutched tightly to her chest.
Both Mikoto and Sasuke were hovering and unknowingly suffocating Sakura with their inabilities to discuss what just happened. They would rather sit in uncomfortable silence knowing what happened, but not wanting to talk about it and it was making her skin crawl. Was that how Fugaku's abusive ways remained unpunished? Were they so used to sweeping dark situations under the rug that they automatically did the same for her?
The worst part?
Sakura… kind of wanted them to.
Wiping her eyes quickly at the soft tap on the door, she stood and ushered Itachi inside, fearful of somebody noticing him out in the hall (only the guest bedrooms didn't have ensuites and his room was far closer to the stairs than where she was, meaning he had absolutely no reason to be there). It broke her heart to notice a minute limp during his short walk to the counter and Sakura immediately noticed how he refrained from sitting or leaning back.
Despite how she acted around Sasuke and the rest of the family, she was not weak. She knew her own strength and knew that it was more than enough to put someone on their ass. Even if she could stand up for herself, she simply never wanted to hurt someone she cared for.
Don't cry.
She didn't – couldn't – approach him.
Sasuke was told to check on his older brother after he'd cleaned up his hand, and he'd told Mikoto upon his return that Itachi was doing okay now but needed more time to himself to try and normalise his breathing once more.
After growing up surrounded by guys (Ino would have had it no other way), Sakura knew not to take any blow to that area lightly.
Once, Naruto had thrown up within moments of accidentally being elbowed down there during a scrap. She'd witnessed Kiba lose his breath so badly that he almost passed out and apparently, there'd been one guy in the year below them that now only had one of his testicles after taking a kick at full force. It'd been more than enough to pop one and according to the rumours, his chances of having children was significantly reduced. All because of just one kick.
So no, she did not take it lightly or believe for a single second that Itachi took too long to recover.
"How…" Sakura swallowed hard, gaze lowering to his stomach. It hurt too much looking Itachi in the eye knowing she'd caused him such pain and that was without taking into consideration how far he continuously went to protect and comfort her. "I'm so sorry."
Don't cry.
Even at his sigh and approaching the bath, she couldn't look at him. Instead she kept her head down, only knowing what he was doing when the water crashed down onto the porcelain. "I know you would never purposely hurt me, Sakura."
No, she definitely hadn't been in the right state of mind, but she would not allow that to excuse what she did to him. Although certainly not innocent, compared to everything else going on in Sakura's life, Itachi was perhaps one of very few positives and she would undeniably be lost without his constant presence. He'd been nothing but good to her and that was how she repaid him? No. The rest of the family was okay with overlooking wrongdoings, but she refused to. He deserved a real, meaningful apology.
Steeling her nerves, Sakura stepped closer to him and caught Itachi's arm just as it returned from pushing the plug into place and much to her utter relief, he didn't pull away. He allowed her to embrace him and easily met her eye when Sakura managed to look up at him, his gaze softening in response.
"I'm so, so sorry," she told him earnestly, frowning and setting her jaw to try and hold back the overwhelming guilt that tried to show on her face. "I… I can't explain – I still don't really understand what happened…" Frustration clawed at her and she forced out, "I… thought you were…"
"Going to hurt you?"
Shaking her head and finally losing her battle on holding back the tears, Sakura tightened her hold on him, saying quietly, almost guiltily, "I thought you were Sasuke-kun."
Not in the sense that she had wanted to hurt Sasuke, because she didn't. She would never. But in the jumbled pieces that were slow in coming back to her, Sakura confirmed relatively quickly that she'd believed the person approaching her was Sasuke, and that he was still rampaging. All that ran through her mind in the brief second of recognising someone advancing was that she had to get out of there and they were blocking her only exit.
"What happened?" came his softly spoken question. Hand cupping her cheek, Itachi tilted her head back and forced their eyes to meet again, his brows coming together. "I have never seen Sasuke fly into a rage like that."
Neither had she. Not to that extent, anyway. Her bedroom was trashed. All decorations were ruined but what really got to Sakura the most was the blood splattered on the bedding and the wallpaper. Within moments of entering it again to grab herself some clean pyjamas while Mikoto tearfully assessed the damage, she'd quickly become overwhelmed at the aftermath of Sasuke's rage.
It wasn't anger anymore. Maybe sometimes it was, but when he was like that, it was… It was so much deeper than mere anger issues and like a few times in the past, Sakura noticed that he was not in control of himself.
"I told him about what Ino did," she confessed over the lump in her throat.
"That was his reaction?"
Of course, Itachi didn't know the full story. Sakura could tell by the disbelief in his features that he didn't know how far Ino had pushed Sasuke over the years, or the abuse he'd endured for her selfish sake.
However, even though she knew he would be thinking poorly of his brother for such a seemingly irrational reaction, it was not her story to tell. It'd become painfully obvious during their session with Kakashi that Sasuke was ashamed over his not defending himself and for her to tell the one person he truly admired about his greatest shame was… She couldn't do that to him. If he wanted Itachi to know, he would tell him himself when he was ready.
"There has to be more to it than that."
Yes, there was and Sakura knew that she couldn't hide that from Itachi – she could tell from the furrowing of his brow that he could read in her eyes something bigger was going on.
Much to her relief, he knew her well and murmured with evident concern, "It is something he told you in confidence."
She could only nod.
It was strange seeing the indecision and helplessness on Itachi's features and she longed to reach out and smooth out the frown. "What can I do to help him?" he requested almost inaudibly, unknowingly breaking her.
Sasuke had suffered in silence for years and she knew that if he had his way and entirely out of shame alone, he would continue to do so. But it was because of that anger and shame and helplessness building up that he exploded.
"Be there," she whispered. Eyeing the filling bath, her shoulders dropped somewhat at the bubbles. She hadn't even realised Itachi poured some in and purely believed that the running water was just to cover their conversation. "Like you are for me." Wrapping her arms around him once more, Sakura pressed her forehead to his chest, savouring the warmth and comfort he radiated. "Let him know that he isn't alone."
So, so softly that she nearly missed it, he asked, "Is that what he thinks?"
No, she'd already said way too much.
Thankfully, he realised that too and sighed, extracting himself by only the smallest amount so that he could meet her eye once more. "What else happened?" Itachi questioned and it belatedly dawned on her that he hadn't spoken properly with Sasuke or his mother yet. He'd come to find her first. "I heard Sasuke chase after you. I tried to stop him, but…"
Shame swelled within her and holding eye contact became unbearable.
How could she tell him about…?
To admit what she'd wanted in that moment was…
"Sakura?"
Maybe sweeping it under the rug like everyone else wouldn't be such a bad thing–
No. She couldn't do that. It was why nothing ever got better for any of them. They needed to have those uncomfortable conversations to know how the other person was feeling, to take that first step into change.
Fear washed over her anew but still, Sakura forced out, "I ran in front of a car."
She felt his breath catch more than heard it and it took several moments for Itachi's breathing to return to normal. There was no way to misconstrue what she admitted, and although it was difficult to talk about it in the first place, she'd said it in such a way to prevent that from happening. It would keep the conversation shorter, surely?
"Subconsciously due to your panic attack or–"
"Both," she cut him off, not able to stomach hearing the words.
The responding flinch to sitting on the edge of the bath was unmistakable and guilt shot through her powerfully, but Sakura didn't have the chance to try and apologise once more. Itachi kept her close to him and part of her wondered how he could trust her in such a position as he allowed her to stand between his legs, hands steady and secure on her waist.
"See a therapist too," he requested.
"I am–"
"Separately from my brother." The seriousness in his voice wouldn't allow her to argue and Sakura fell silent when he looked to her with equal sincerity. "You need to be able to confide in someone outside of this… family."
A whip lashed at her heart at the revulsion in his tone.
"I can't afford–"
"I will cover the costs."
"You can't–"
"Sakura."
Tears filled her eyes at the dropping of his forehead to her chest and there was no chance in holding back her emotions when Itachi's arms came around her, bringing her as close as possible.
"Please," he pleaded softly. "I can't stand the thought of anything happening to you."
"I don't usually have last minute sessions like this," Kakashi began and similarly to the day before, one of his legs crossed over the other, clipboard balancing on his knee. "But I got the sense of urgency from Itachi-san's call."
That and he hadn't stopped calling until she was given a same day appointment, going as far as to miss breakfast with everyone else under the guise that he was making business calls.
Sakura almost felt bad for Kakashi. Including Obito's seemingly nagging ways and Sasuke's problems (in addition to him knowing the truth about the Uchiha family thanks to Sasuke's sessions), it was like the guy couldn't escape the Uchiha family's problems just like she couldn't. And now, he was about to have her unloading on him too.
"Would you like to tell me what happened last night?"
And because Itachi was right, because he was always fucking right, Sakura spilled everything about the night before through stutters and gasps for breath, swallowing down that instinctive need to stay silent about it all. Starting from how drained she felt during the drive home and how it felt like she was still trapped in Kakashi's office, confessing how Ino had assaulted her also and how Sasuke flew into a rage following his discovery of it, how he destroyed her room, how she hurt Itachi, how she ran and ran and ran, wanting nothing more than to get away.
"You purposely ran into the road," he surmised with surprising gentleness.
At some point, Kakashi had sat forward in his seat, clipboard placed onto the coffee table between them and forgotten about. The look in his eyes was intense, was understanding and it had her effortlessly baring her heart to him, the relief almost euphoric as Sakura fell back into the sofa, nodding numbly at his question.
"Did you want to kill yourself?"
Honestly?
Honestly?
"I just wanted to get away."
It wasn't that she wanted to die, for there was still so much to fight for and so much that she wanted to achieve. But during that state of panic and hyperawareness, Sakura had just wanted an out and that car was, in her mind, the only way for her to escape.
"From Sasuke?"
"From everything."
"Explain to me what you mean by everything," Kakashi requested, elbows coming to his knees. Unlike the day before when he'd adopted the distant persona (she'd noticed it'd helped Sasuke massively in opening up), his attention was solely on her, his body language open. "Truth be told, I wanted to ask more questions yesterday, but I had a feeling it wouldn't be the right time."
No, definitely not.
Sighing, she only just stopped herself from biting her nails, hand dropping back to her thigh and resuming its fidgeting with the other. "Can I… talk about Sasuke-kun?"
"We can talk about anything you want," he assured her. "As long as you keep in mind that I can't share anything from his sessions."
She nodded in understanding.
"…I also must stress that I am obligated to report any information shared with me that makes me believe you or anyone else are at risk of harm," added Kakashi more quietly that time and he sighed, sitting back somewhat. "Incidents in the past, I can't report. But say you or someone else has been threatened, or you talk about harming yourself or someone else, I am obligated to report it. Do you understand, Sakura?"
Again, weakly, she nodded.
There was a short pause and during that time, she felt as though the whole world was watching and judging her. Even talking about throwing herself in front of a car didn't quite touch how vulnerable she felt in that moment, and Sakura dropped her gaze with a frown, willing herself to continue as openly as she had before.
"Take your time," Kakashi assured her, no doubt reading her uncertainty. "Would you like a drink?"
It was definitely something else to focus on, Sakura realised gratefully once the cup of water was in her hands, but it also brought her attention to the scratches and shallow, half-moon cuts she had repeatedly given herself during yesterday's session. They were all minor and already on their way to healing, but to her, they were painfully obvious.
"…He makes me so anxious," she whispered unevenly, almost choking on the words.
Attempting to even out her voice, Sakura tried clearing her throat, but a pitiful sound of upset left her instead and she quickly brought a hand to her mouth.
She wanted to be stronger, to not fear Sasuke and his outbursts, however the more time that passed, the more she started to lose hope. Was there any way for them to return to how they once were, or were the things he'd said and done always going to linger in the back of her mind? What if he changed and she forgave him, but she couldn't forget? Where did that leave them?
Contrary to what many believed about her, Sakura was not a lovestruck idiot. Maybe in the beginning she had been, but now, she liked to think of herself as more of an optimist who always wanted to see the best in bad situations.
Sasuke genuinely was a product of his environment and it showed in many, if not all, of his mannerisms. Didn't want to look weak or embarrass himself or the family – Fugaku. Always wanting to be number one – Fugaku. Suppressing his emotions even when they were so huge that they couldn't possibly remain bottled up – Fugaku. Believing the best way to keep others in line was to bully and intimidate them – shocker, Fugaku again.
Keeping silent about continuously being assaulted – Mikoto.
Feeling inferior – Fugaku and in some roundabout, mostly unintentional way, Itachi.
Lowering her hand when Sakura finally felt in better control, she voiced her thoughts from the day before, confessing, "I think it goes deeper than just anger issues."
"You think, or you know?"
She shook her head wearily. "No. I know."
Some part of her sighed in relief when Kakashi jotted that particular note down and she hoped with every fibre of her being that it came up in his next session with Sasuke, or at the very least, that it meant he would be paying even closer attention to her boyfriend. Sakura knew that therapists couldn't diagnose people or prescribe medication or whatever else, but surely, they had their connections? Surely, they were capable of referring a patient elsewhere for some kind of testing?
"Why do you believe that?"
Her chest was hurting, but whether that was simply the heartbreak of talking behind Sasuke's back or the lingering anxiety from the day before, Sakura wasn't sure. "It's like he loses control of himself completely. He…" Grimacing, green eyes returned to the cup of water. "He broke my mirror last night and mangled his hand and it…" For several long moments, she couldn't talk, the words seizing in her throat, but then she reminded herself that Sasuke needed the help, that she needed to speak up for him to be watched more closely. "It didn't look like he could feel it. He made out like it was no big deal."
"Mangled, huh?" Frowning minutely, Kakashi made another note and slouched back in his seat. "Sasuke's proud. You sure he wasn't pretending that it didn't hurt?"
No. No way. "You didn't see it," she assured him with another grimace. "There was blood everywhere and he was missing chunks of skin and still used his hand like it was just a scratch and…" Unable to go into further detail about the gruesome sight, she said, "Itachi's taking him to a doctor today to get it checked out and possibly stitched in some places."
Humming curiously, Kakashi murmured, "It seems Itachi-san's taking good care of you both, then."
Don't react, Sakura begged of herself. Instead, she allowed the guilt from the night before to return at full force and she half-whined, "And I went and kicked him in the balls with everything I had! What kind of thanks is that?"
"Do you remember our talk about flight or fight responses yesterday?"
Sighing irritably, she said, "Yeah and I know it was out of instinct of wanting to run away from it all. But I know the–" Anger towards herself had Sakura cutting the sentence off abruptly and it took a few moments to recover, admitting while shutting her eyes with a sigh, "I know the difference between them both. I should have known that it wasn't Sasuke-kun."
"Perhaps, but in that state of mind, you're not thinking clearly." At her continued silence, Kakashi asked, "Have you spoken to him about it yet?"
She nodded and sighed again. "He said pretty much what you just said."
"Smart guy." His lips tugging with a smirk caught Sakura's eye.
Yeah, and look at where being smart got him, was what she wanted to snap. Trapped in a family business he wanted no part of and destined to take over it one day. Trapped in a family that was so twisted and ugly that it drained him to the point of no longer fighting the darkness.
Some families were still traditional as hell – her friend Hinata's was a perfect example of that also. Some children were bred solely to play out a role, to achieve greatness and carry out and bring honour to the family name. Hinata couldn't do that with her awful anxiety and so she was cast aside, her father's attention focused entirely on her younger sister.
What were the chances of Itachi being born not out of love, but to play a role? Considering all that went on with that messed up family, Sakura knew that there were no other possibilities. Fugaku beat the shit out of Mikoto and raped her for a whole fucking week when she allowed Itachi to willingly partake in a ballet recital, because it wasn't what that man planned for his son.
"Come back to me, Sakura."
Holy shit, she was shaking. Bad enough for Kakashi to reach out and take the water from her, placing it down on the coffee table between them. Droplets of water were covering her hand and wrist and she was quick to wipe them away on her sleeve, taking a few moments longer to look in Kakashi's direction.
"What were you thinking about?"
How much could she share about the Uchiha family? Could she talk to Kakashi about Mikoto's predicament? If he was as close to Obito as he seemed, wouldn't he already know of the abuse? What if he didn't? What if she mentioned it, made it known that Mikoto was still regularly being abused, and he was obligated to report it? A man as powerful as Fugaku definitely had connections to get himself out of any trouble that he landed into and it was undoubtedly only a matter of time until he would strike back.
What would happen to Mikoto if Fugaku was reported? What would happen to her if it was discovered she was the one who blabbed? What would happen to Kakashi if Fugaku got pissed?
Exhaling quietly at her continued silence, he asked, "You said that Sasuke often loses control of himself. Can you tell me what else happens or has happened?"
The automatic response to the question was to clam up and Sakura covered her hands with her sleeves, fidgeting restlessly with the hem even as it pulled the fabric horrendously.
But she couldn't continue being silent any longer.
"He…"
It was killing her.
Tears filled her eyes at the lashing of guilt on her heart, but even as she wondered how it would affect Sasuke's relationship with Kakashi and their sessions moving forward, Sakura knew she couldn't keep it locked up any longer. Not just because Sasuke needed help too, but because she needed it. Desperately.
"…He forced himself on me," she told him weakly.
Once more, the clipboard was put down and forgotten about, allowing Kakashi to focus on her without any distractions. "Are you ready to talk about it?"
She needed to be. Keeping everything locked up inside of her was killing her – not just Sasuke forcing himself on her, but everything. The intimidation, the condescending way he talked to her, the controlling her. All of it was piling on top of her and increasing the constant anxiety to crippling levels because she was so fixated on is it about to happen again?
"Madara-san – Sasuke-kun's uncle – always riles him up and makes him feel inferior. That time, he called Sasuke-kun spineless," Sakura started only to freeze, because that wasn't how she wanted to explain what happened. But how did she do it? What other way was there to say it? "Before he turned eighteen, Sasuke-kun's parents gave us rules for whenever I visited or stayed overnight. We couldn't close doors; we couldn't act inappropriately. Those kinds of things."
Frustration clawed at Sakura's insides as she struggled to find the right words to use. In that moment, she just felt like she was making excuses again like she always did. Sasuke even told her back when it first happened, after they went on their break, hell even to that day, that she had to stop making excuses for what he did to her. But it was at a point where Sakura wasn't sure whether she was explaining the lead up to the incident, or simply making excuses.
Inhaling deeply to try and compose herself, she looked to her restless hands, making a conscious effort to still them. "He was angry and hurt and like he always does, wanted to prove himself," she recalled quietly with a frown. "We've never actually spoken about it, but I think that's why he did it."
Kakashi propped his head into an upturned hand, watching her closely. "You believe he forced himself on you to prove a point?"
"He said during… it… that he wanted to prove he wasn't spineless."
"By breaking his parents' rules."
"…Yeah."
At the restarting of her fidgeting, Kakashi surprised her by standing and making his way over to a small box on the bottom shelf of his bookcase. She tried canting her head back to see what he was doing, the sounds of him rifling through its contents causing the curiosity to spike, but then he was shutting the box with a sharp snap of its lid.
The object in his hand was neon yellow, its colour obnoxiously bright and immediately capturing her entire attention – the waving of it certainly didn't help matters either. Sakura admired the odd bubbles on the rubber-looking object and confirmed its material when it was dropped into her hands.
"It's called a pop push fidget toy," Kakashi informed her. "I keep them handy for clients who find it difficult to sit still."
Almost like bubble wrap, the aim was to pop the bubbles, the only difference being that they appeared on the other side, making it reusable no matter how many times they were popped.
"Thanks," she said with a faint smile.
As lame as it probably was to admit, however, Sakura was glad Kakashi hadn't offered it to her the day before. Playing with what appeared as a child's toy in front of her boyfriend would have embarrassed the hell–
Okay, it was pretty fun and definitely made it easier to open up.
Sakura kept her eyes on the toy, thankful for the distraction it gave her as she told him at his gentle prod to continue, "It was like Sasuke-kun couldn't hear me when I said no until I shouted it at him, but…"
"But?"
There was no way she could maintain eye contact, Sakura realised the moment she tried, quickly glancing back to the fidget popper with a frown. It made her too uncomfortable and caused the inescapable tightening of her chest to return. "I know I was giving off mixed signals – I was confused between wanting it and being hurt by the fact he was doing it just to prove a point."
"Mixed signals or not, you said no," Kakashi murmured, catching her eye and for the first time in a while, it wasn't wholly unpleasant looking at someone. Not even when her features scrunched up horrifically in response to the sudden urge to cry about everything that'd happened, or to weep at the intensity of his next words of, "No matter what way it gets spun, Sakura, what happened was never your fault."
"Not…" The sob trying to overwhelm her was powerful and apparently obvious too, because she saw the way his eyes saddened on her. "Not even with the… the mixed signals?"
"You said no," he repeated gently. "The incident with Sasuke and the incident with Yamanaka-san… Neither are nor will ever be your fault, Sakura."
It wasn't her fault.
Gods, she was an ugly crier and Sakura was quick to hide her face behind her hands when it erupted out of her like a dam being overpowered by a sudden rush of water. Controlling it was asking for the impossible and if she was being completely honest, Sakura didn't want to control it or try to hold it back any longer. For the first time in what felt like forever – in that room with Kakashi, at least – she felt like it was okay to break down. It was so relieving letting it all out.
"Here," Kakashi murmured and blindly, Sakura accepted the box of tissues, ignoring his amused chuckle at her insistence of hiding her face.
"You really are a sadist," she whined into her hands.
His laughter was surprised and carefree and after a few moments, helped in calming her down for it was infectious and brought a smile to her lips.
For a short while after that, so that Sakura could really take a break from opening herself up in such a raw way, they discussed safer topics like her parents, friends and the future. Kakashi seemed impressed with her goals in becoming a doctor, his brows quirking upwards at her ensuing heartfelt monologue of wanting to make a difference in the world, but what really shocked him was Sakura admitting to enjoying modelling for Kurotsuchi.
She wanted to leave Itachi's name out of it altogether, but she knew that the chances of Sasuke already mentioning it and how uncomfortable the whole ordeal made him were too great. If she didn't, wouldn't that arouse suspicion? Or was she once more overthinking it all?
"I loved every minute of it and the confidence boost it gave me," she admitted shyly, scratching her cheek. "I think up until that point, I always thought I was plain, but even before seeing the photographs I just… I felt pretty."
"Then why not pursue it further?"
"I…" Sakura grimaced. "It made Sasuke-kun uncomfortable."
One of Kakashi's eyebrows raised fractionally. "Because of the type of photoshoot, or because of Itachi-san?"
As much as she wanted to remain unaffected, to hide that the question threw her off, she couldn't and so Sakura once more began fidgeting with the toy. "Both."
Looking back on the whole situation, she knew how wrong it was to accept such an offer with Itachi, of all people. While Sasuke said several times back then that he was actually relieved that it was Itachi, since he knew he could trust him to watch over her and not take advantage, Sakura knew that deep down, it only worked to stoke the flames of jealousy within him.
How could it not?
Itachi was someone Sasuke had always admired and aspired to be like. His older brother wasn't only the perfect student with his straight A's and immaculate reports, but he was the perfect son who was always under Fugaku's spotlight. To Sasuke, nothing Itachi did was ever wrong.
Modelling a wedding shoot with Itachi, acting as though they were married and madly in love… She should have known from the start that it would hurt Sasuke, who already felt so inferior to him.
Heart skipping a beat, Sakura quietly admitted, "Sasuke-kun could tell that I was attracted to Itachi during the photoshoot."
There.
She finally said it to someone.
Even if Kakashi was bound by the confidentiality clause of the contract, that wasn't the whole reason why she confided in him. It was the total lack of judgment no matter what they talked about – no judgement towards herself, or even towards Sasuke after she shared what happened between them. Whether that was because he was professional or not didn't matter. In that room, in that moment in time, she felt… She felt undoubtedly safe, like she could tell him anything and Kakashi would protect her secrets with everything he had.
She was being ridiculous, wasn't she?
"Only during the photoshoot?"
It felt like he shot her straight through the heart with absolutely no resistance on her part.
Was she really so transparent?
"I…" Sakura swallowed hard, eyeing the clipboard that remained untouched and like Kakashi was trying to prove a point of not jotting anything down or having the intention of reaching out for it anytime soon, he sat back in his seat and spread himself out comfortably, hands resting on the arms of his chair. "…No."
They were diving headfirst into another unpleasant conversation but for the life of her, Sakura wasn't prepared to stop it. Even with the sweaty, tingling palms and heart palpitations, she was willing to throw herself into it.
She set her jaw.
Faintly, Kakashi smiled.
"It confuses me," she eventually managed to confess, scowling at the continuous stutters that tried to silence her. "I just… I don't know how or where or why and…"
One leg came over the other and he assessed her silently for several moments, his gaze drawn mainly to her hands as they shook around the popper toy, Sakura noticed.
"Itachi-san takes care of you."
Hesitantly, weakly, she nodded.
"Has that always been the case?"
Sakura's mouth opened but when words failed her, she shut it once more and nodded.
Even back when she was just a kid, Itachi had always been so effortlessly kind to her. From the moment Sasuke officially introduced her as his girlfriend – no, even before then. Back when she and Naruto first met the Uchiha family, Itachi was always the one who made them feel welcomed, who looked out for them at school and smiled whenever he saw them. He'd cared for her when she'd fallen at their beach house, not only cleaning her wounds but soothing her when she'd cried too.
"We can hold off on that conversation for now, if it's easier for you."
No. She was tired of shying away from everything. She was tired of problems constantly being overlooked.
It took much longer than anticipated to meet Kakashi's curious gaze and anxiety threatened to make her avert hers once more, but Sakura persevered, even when it made her feel as though she was about to throw up.
"I never really…" Frowning as she swallowed hard, her grip around the toy tightened. "I don't know where to start."
He sat forward at that, head turning to glance upwards at the clock. "Well, we only have a couple of minutes left for today's session, but I can book you in for a few days' time."
So soon? Was that how therapy usually worked? Weren't therapists usually fully booked with waiting lists for their waiting lists? "Really?"
"How does Monday sound?" Kakashi questioned and stood up. He took the meagre four steps to his desk and plucked up a planner, using the bookmark to go straight to the page he needed. "I have eleven free."
Sakura nodded lamely and sat forward in her seat. "I'm free."
There was no doubt in her mind that what he suddenly scribbled in his diary was completely ineligible – it was way too quick and uncaring and it had her eyes narrowing curiously on the navy book. Could he even tell who the appointment would be with?
"During the weekend, try and think over your connection with Itachi-san," Kakashi encouraged. Leaning back against his desk with the planner in hand, he watched Sakura stand, not saving her as she awkwardly hesitated in handing back the toy. "You could even take notes of how interactions between both of them impact you."
That sounded disgustingly risky and left Sakura with a bitter taste in her mouth.
"To try and help you understand your feelings better, I will think of questions that could help us get to the bottom of your attraction."
Her hand lowered slightly and she frowned. "You think there's some kind of deeper meaning to it?"
"Who knows?" he questioned, shrugging. Sparing a glance over his shoulder, Kakashi told her, "Two minutes. Anything you want to ask?"
Sasuke was right. He really was a strange man. But it was definitely in an endearing way, Sakura thought to herself with a small smile.
That smile slipped away at the reminder of her plans for the weekend.
"We're supposed to be going out tomorrow night with all our friends," Sakura told him with a sigh, shoulders falling. "What if someone notices the way he acts? Or what if Sasuke-kun loses his temper?"
Sighing, his hands came to the edge of the desk. "You can't put your life on hold fixating on another person's triggers or temperament, no matter how deeply you care for them," Kakashi told her quietly, simply. "You're young, Sakura. Go out and enjoy yourself."
Was that really okay, though?
"I'm going to give you homework."
"Homework?" she repeated, affronted. "In a therapy session?"
"If you can't complete it, that's fine," he assured her before straightening. "But I want at least one story about you stepping out of your comfort zone this weekend. It doesn't have to be while out with your friends, although that could make it easier."
Like the karaoke with Naruto, Sakura thought to herself with a warming heart. With Naruto around, she was always able to shrug off the shackles placed on her by the Uchiha family, and the reminder that he would be there tomorrow eased the weight on her shoulders.
Holding out the popper just as Kakashi reached for it, she said as he accepted it, "Deal."
A/N - Aaaaand this story is officially back from its hiatus!
Quick rundown for those of you who don't follow my Tumblr/Twitter/Ko-Fi and want to catch up, I've been struggling with my physical and mental health and found this story extremely triggering to write, particularly with the panic attacks.
I'm also pregnant (26 weeks from today!) and suffering with hyperemesis again and because of that condition and being unable to care for my son, was finding it extremely difficult coping and accepting said pregnancy. I was in and out of the hospital and it had a pretty brutal impact on Flappy as he just doesn't understand any of it, and got to a point where his teachers expressed concerns about how down he was becoming in my absence.
BUT! It's not all bad news.
I distanced myself from pretty much everything while my laptop was yet again broken (I thought it was the worst thing to happen at the time but was actually quite relieving), and came to realise part of the reason why I'm constantly so drained mentally is because I have an awful habit of being surrounded by negativity and toxic people. They'll just unload on me (which admittedly I've always said was okay and that I'm always here to talk, but that was when I thought they were my friends and these people will literally stop all conversation and ghost me if it stops being about them, then start talking to me days later with new problems they need to rant about, without ever asking me how I'm doing or anything like that). The distance has really helped me these past few weeks. I've either cut people off altogether or taken a noticeable step back and stopped feeding into drama. It's funny how many people stop talking to you when you stop being a doormat or being the one to make all the effort in a friendship.
One of my biggest issues as you all know is my anxiety and inability to stand up for myself, or even misreading other people's words or intentions. My partner's been a massive help there, particularly after having certain problematic interactions pointed out to me. Reading it all back and coming to the realisation that if I'm not the yes-man/hype man (which admittedly I have been in the past simply because disagreeing or pointing out why some things are wrong leaves me a shaking anxious mess and triggers anxiety/panic attacks), then I'm the bad guy for disagreeing and was constantly being guilt tripped. I've had things I've said not misunderstood, but twisted entirely and supposedly kind gestures/favours thrown back in my face or used against me - which I now know is fine, to an extent. I've been learning to stand up for myself or just as importantly, when to walk away.
The break has honestly been a huge relief and it really does feel like a weight's been lifted off my shoulders. I'm still suffering with aftereffects of hyperemesis and I'm in quite a lot of pain, but the sickness has eased somewhat now that I'm on the right combo of meds for me and I've actually started to enjoy this pregnancy and looking forward to the newest addition to our family.
My son also received his official diagnosis a few months back for those who've been asking about him! The consultant, SEN teacher and speech and language therapist all assessed, reviewed and agreed/diagnosed that he's nonverbal autistic with a pretty significant development delay (he's 3 now and mentally working mostly at 0-11 months, from what they have seen so far).
Sadly even with the diagnosis and all the assessments, the council won't fund more than 7 hours per term-time week for 1:1 support for him, but the nursery said they love him so much they'll happily fund the other eight hours per week. It does mean he can't gradually increase his hours to prepare him for the lunge to fulltime school hours next year as we'd all been hoping to do (nursery can't afford to pay more than the extra 8 hours per week and can't guarantee Flappy's safety without that 1:1 support and constant supervision), but it does mean they can continue to monitor his progress and he gets to continue seeing his favourite teachers and exploring the world!
He's also seeming brighter and more like his happy, flappy self again now that I'm managing the pregnancy and HG a little better. We're able to do something as simple as read his favourite books together or play in his dark den and enjoy messy play, or go out again on short walks or go on trips to the park, though the last two do have to be when someone else is free as I physically can't chase him anymore due to muscle weakness and chronic pains. But still, it's so much better than what it was and we're all finally moving forward.
Omg and huge step forwards for him! He actually brings toys over to us now when he wants to play together rather than refusing to acknowledge anyone's presence when they try interacting with him (still doesn't like other kids though haha), and while he can't actually say them, can point out the numbers 1-10 in order even when they're all mixed up. Oh, oh, oh! He also calls his dad 'diddy' with understanding. Like he ran up to my partner when he came home from work the other day and shouted diddy so happily! We're still working on responding to his name, but honestly he's taken such massive steps considering where he was at a few months ago when being diagnosed. I'm so, so proud of him!
Oh but just to quickly add: Flappy doesn't understand that I'm pregnant (he looks disturbed whenever he gets kicked during our cuddles), so I'll probably be on hiatus again for a month or two after the baby's born to focus solely on her and his adjustment (she's due the beginning of July, just 3 days before my birthday the little diva).
All in all, the unintentional break's been a massive blessing in disguise and I wanted to thank you all for being so patient with me. I know how much of a pain it can be for stories you're getting into to stop being updated, especially when it seems like they possibly won't be updated again any time soon. So thank you all for your understanding and patience! It's been massively appreciated. I promise that I'll try and respond to those of you who PM'ed me while I was away too!
Sorry for the huuuuuuge A/N haha.
Take care everyone!