Just like she knew she would, Callie awoke with a smile on her face still wrapped tight in Arizona's arms. At some point during the night, they shifted, and she now had her head on the blonde's chest, her arm wrapped tightly around her waist, and leg flung haphazardly across a smooth muscular thigh. They had both been awake for a while just talking about their plans for the week and enjoying the alone time before their daughter woke up. Callie's eyelids fluttered closed as deft fingers combed through her hair gently massaging her scalp and she hummed, "Mmm that feels nice. I always loved when you played with my hair." Arizona smiled, thinking about the times Callie would lay her head on her lap and let her run her fingers through the long black curls for as long as she was willing. She remembered how relaxing it was for both of them and as she ran her fingers through the much shorter curls and brushed her hand along the soft stubble on the back of her girlfriend's head, she realized it wasn't the length of the hair as much as the act itself, the repeated motions, the soft texture, the intimate touch. Running her fingers along the sides of Callie's head, she could see the sharp edges beginning to blur and the prickly freshly shaven feel was now soft and fuzzy, and observed, "You're getting furry again." Callie smiled at that description and responded, "I really love this cut, but the upkeep is crazy." Arizona nodded, and said, "I really do love this style and it fits this version of you quite well. It's hot and sexy and edgy." Callie looked up and asked, "You're really okay with it?" Arizona knew her girlfriend wasn't just talking about her hair, she was talking about all of her changes, she smiled softly and answered, "I really am. But I'm wondering what made you decide to get it cut, what processes you went through to get here. We never really talked about it beyond the clothes. I'd like to hear what you're thinking, how you're feeling after meeting with Stevie and their friends. Things got a little crazy this week and we never had a chance to talk about it." Callie took a deep breath, she knew this talk was coming and she wasn't avoiding it, but she would be lying if she said it didn't worry her just a little bit.
Needing to ground herself, Callie slipped her hand under the hem of Arizona's soft t-shirt and started drawing patterns on her abdomen with her fingertips as she thought back over the past year and tried to remember her thought process, pinpoint an actual day or time period when this all started and said, "I'm not really sure where to start. I'm not even sure when it started." Arizona knew from her conversations with Jordyn that Callie had been showing outward signs of her internal struggle for quite some time, even if she weren't aware of it and prompted, "When did things start feeling differently for you?" Callie continued to draw patterns on Arizona's stomach and explained, "I really didn't start actively thinking about it, questioning what was happening with me, with how I viewed myself until recently. When I was talking to Stevie the other day, that's when I realized it actually started a while back." Arizona brought her other hand up to caress Callie's arm and asked, "What do you mean?" Callie bit her bottom lip and said, "I know this is going to sound strange but, I umm…I don't think I was willing to admit to myself what was happening, that I was questioning my gender identity until…um…" Arizona pursed her lips trying to figure out what her girlfriend wasn't saying. She thought about the progression in Callie's appearance and confidence level just since she'd arrived. That's when it dawned on her and she provided, "Until you and I had our first talk about it, about your clothes?" Callie nodded and explained, "I knew something was happening, inside, not just how I felt about the clothes I was wearing, but how I felt about me…being seen as a woman, identifying as a woman and…deep down, I guess I was waiting for your reaction." Arizona hummed but remained silent allowing Callie time to process her thoughts.
Callie sat up on her elbow so she could look Arizona in the eye and explained, "It was um, shortly after Sof went to live with you, sometime toward the end of the summer last year that I can first remember looking in the mirror and just not feeling right. It's almost like I expected to see someone different in the reflection, the person I was seeing didn't look like the person I felt myself becoming. I can't remember anything that really triggered it, except after talking to Stevie, I realize now, that was about the same time I was having all these break-throughs in therapy and really started feeling like me. Not who I was before…everything, but who I truly felt like inside, without the influence of my parents, or colleagues, or friends, without the anger or hurt overshadowing everything. I could look at a situation and was able to only think about how I felt about it, not what I should feel or what others would feel about my decision. That was also when I first realized so much of my identity was wrapped up in how I was brought up and in my life in Seattle, at Grey Sloan, and why I felt like I couldn't return. I wasn't that person; I didn't want to be that person anymore." Arizona thought about what Callie was saying, it made sense, and she knew just as well as anyone how difficult it was to try to reinvent yourself in that setting.
She bent forward, kissed her forehead, and said, "I get that, it's not exactly easy to go through those types of changes when everyone is expecting you to act a certain way, the way you've always been." Callie realized that in many ways, Arizona did know exactly what she was talking about, she had to reinvent herself as well and no one made it easy on her, including herself. Taking a deep breath, she looked up expecting to see traces of anger or sadness on the beautiful face of the other woman, instead she only saw understanding. She smiled ruefully and placed a chaste kiss on pale pink lips as silent recognition that she understood what the other woman meant, laid back down on the blonde's chest and continued, "I remember there were times that I would look at my clothes, the skirts, dresses, tighter fitting outfits that showed off my curves and just not feel right about my body. At the time, I thought it was just my body image, thinking I needed to lose weight or tone up and started working out and eating better. While I did feel better physically, it didn't really change the fact that I didn't feel right in those clothes anymore. My body didn't fit my mindset. I think that's when it first crossed my mind that I didn't want to be noticed or identified by my clothes or my body. That's when I really started noticing the ma'am's and the way people would look at me, like all they saw was that I was a woman and nothing else." Arizona nodded in understanding, she could certainly relate, even though for her it was almost the opposite. She wanted people to see her as a woman, to notice her body, her clothes, anything but her leg. Staying silent, she squeezed a muscular bicep indicating she was listening and prompting Callie to continue.
Callie stayed quiet for a minute, then said, "Except for when I cut it short when you went to Africa, I've always had long hair, but that just didn't feel right anymore either. It didn't fit the person I saw myself becoming. I pulled it back a lot, wore it up in a ponytail or bun." Arizona ran her fingers through Callie's short hair and asked, "So when did you decide to get it cut? It couldn't have been that long ago; Sofia would have said something." Exhaling audibly, Callie answered, "I debated about it for a long time. I still wondered and worried what other people would think and thought about doing it gradually so it wouldn't be such a shock. Then when I went in for my usual trim in April, I was looking through the books and saw this cut and I'm not sure where I got the nerve, but I told Stevie this is what I wanted. They questioned me for quite a while and when they saw I wasn't wavering, agreed to cut it like this and when I saw how much was going to come off, I decided I should donate it to Locks of Love. So, I did, I donated nearly 20 inches." Arizona smiled at that. It didn't surprise her that Callie would do something so thoughtful.
Thinking about the rest of what was said, the blonde furrowed her brow and asked, "April? But you have facetimed and video chatted with Sof since then, how did she not notice?" Callie sat up on her elbow again and explained, "I didn't intend to hide it from her, but the first time she facetimed me after that, I had just gotten out of surgery and had my scrub cap on and she couldn't tell. The second time, I was outside and it was chilly and I had my hoodie on. We didn't facetime often and shortly after that, you called and said you were moving here and we mostly talked on the phone or texted. I knew I had to tell her, tell both of you, I just…while I was a little nervous about everyone else's reaction, I was terrified about how you and Sof would respond, especially umm…after our talks and things seemed to be changing between us. I actually had a little freak out about my whole appearance before coming to pick you up from the airport." Arizona smiled and combed her fingers through Callie's hair once again and said, "Well, I was certainly surprised, by all of it, but it was a good surprise." Piecing it all together now, Arizona supplied, "So you cut your hair and had already started changing your wardrobe before we got here, but you wouldn't allow yourself to think about what it all meant because you were worried about what I would think, how I would feel about that?" Callie smiled sheepishly, shrugged her shoulders, and answered, "Well…yes and no."
Seeing Arizona's confusion, Callie tried to explain, "I think some people picked up on it long before I did. I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but Maria started only calling me Cal or Torres. Then a while back, maybe around Christmas last year, Stevie started asking me to come hang out with them and while I wanted to say yes, a part of me held back. I was intrigued by their appearance, their confidence, it was almost like I knew what was happening but I was fighting it. Thinking about it now, after reading some of that book and talking with Stevie last week, I realize so much of what I am struggling with isn't what I feel or what I believe, but what I was raised to think and believe. Like there's this stigma surrounding my whole lifestyle and sometimes I can hear my mom saying how this just isn't right and that little girl who was raised to worry about what other people think, what things look like, appears, and holds me back." Arizona listened quietly, understanding how Callie felt. Even though her family accepted her, they were still surrounded by military men and women and the whole mindset of 'don't ask don't tell' and she had to keep her own sexual identity under wraps for a long time because they were concerned about her safety. But this was also entirely different, Callie wasn't just coming out, she was questioning her gender, her identity. Like she just admitted, there was a part of Callie who needed the approval of others, she needed to feel accepted because she never felt like she was good enough, for anyone. It had to be terrifying from her point of view.
Callie sat up on the bed, took Arizona's hand in hers and continued, "I realized last week that one of the biggest things standing in my way was this screwed up vision of the way things should be that's been so ingrained in me. I mean, my parents were strict Catholics, if you're born a girl, you look a certain way…you wear dresses and make-up, you get your hair and nails done, you act a certain way…you sit a certain way, you talk a certain way, you grow up, marry a man, have children, and grandchildren. The whole focus was on becoming a wife, a mother, a grandmother, you learn to cook and clean and do the things women do. My whole upbringing was focused on being a woman, not a…not a person. The type of person I became never mattered. It doesn't matter that I was in the Peace Corps, that I am an award winning surgeon, that I invented artificial cartilage or robotic legs or even that I own two hospitals. Even the fact that I did become a mother didn't matter because I didn't do it the right way. It was the image of being a woman, a proper woman. So when I look in the mirror and I don't even see a woman anymore…" She sighed softly and looked into understanding blue eyes and found nothing but acceptance and remembered another part of her conversation with Stevie, the part that scared her the most.
Callie lifted her free hand and caressed Arizona's cheek and said softly, "Then there's this." Not sure what her girlfriend meant, Arizona lifted her hand to cover Callie's, tilted her head in question and asked, "This?" Callie nodded and explained, "You. I look in the mirror and I don't see a woman…or a man, but when you look at me, when you touch me…I love the way you look at me, like I am the only person in the world, and the way you touch me…the way my body responds to your touch. The way my body responds to you, when I see you or touch you, I just feel this jolt of energy and it goes straight to my core. But if I don't feel like a woman, if I don't identify as a woman…" Callie could see the confusion written all over Arizona's face and supplied, "and you're a lesbian…and I…I don't look like…I'm not…" She dropped her head, not wanting to even finish the thought. Finally starting to understand, Arizona nodded and confirmed, "I am a lesbian. But that doesn't define me any more than being born with female genitalia or being bi-sexual defines you." Arizona reached out and put her finger under Callie's chin and gently lifted her head until she could see into the dark brown eyes swimming with uncertainty.
She smiled and continued, "I am a lesbian, and a woman, and a mother, and a surgeon, and a daughter, and a friend, and a girlfriend, and an amputee, and none of those things can tell you one thing about me as a person. None of those things define who I am. Was I drawn to you because you were a beautiful sexy woman? Yes." Hearing the hitch in Callie's breath, she finished, "And you were drawn to me for the same reason. But you didn't fall in love with me because I had two legs and you didn't stop loving me when I only had one. I didn't fall in love with you just because you were a woman. I fell in love with the person who has a heart of gold and wears that heart on their sleeve, the surgeon who learns everything they can about a patient before deciding on a plan of treatment, the friend who goes above and beyond for other people, the parent who would lay down their life for their child, the spouse…the partner who would risk everything, including their marriage, to save their other half. All the things that don't matter to your mother, are the things that make me love you even more. The fact that you were in the Peace Corps, that you are a surgeon, that you created artificial cartilage which is used worldwide to heal people, that you created robotic legs so people could walk and feel whole again, that you donated your hair to patients with cancer. That is the person I love, that is the person I want to raise my children with, that is the person I want to wake up next to every morning for the rest of my life. It doesn't matter to me if your hair is long or short, if you wear a dress or a suit, if I call you she or they, or Calliope or Cal. We don't control who we fall in love with, our hearts control that and I lost that battle 10 years ago." Callie didn't doubt that Arizona loved her, but hearing her now, hearing her talk about all the reasons she loved her, it was overwhelming.
Lifting her hand, Arizona wiped the tears that were now steadily streaming down Callie's face and said, "This…" She waved her hands between them then pulled Callie into her arms and said, "This thing that scares you is the reason I am staying, because this is what matters honey. The way you look at me like I am the only person you see, the way you touch me that sends shivers down my spine, the way I feel when I am in your arms. The way you respond to me when I look at you or touch you. The way you love me just for being me, it's the same way I love you." Callie smiled and leaned up to brush their lips together in a soft chaste kiss and responded, "Thank you, and thank you for giving me space to figure this out, for supporting me, for loving me." Arizona slid her hand from the back of Callie's head to rest on her soft tan cheek and answered, "I will always support you and love you Calliope." She smiled and teased, "Even if you decide I can't call you Calliope anymore." Callie smiled brightly, lifted her hand to cover Arizona's and said, "I'll always be your Calliope, no matter how I present." She then leaned in for another kiss, this time pouring her love and emotion into it to show her girlfriend how much she truly meant it. Pulling back, Arizona grinned slyly and said, "Speaking of space, I'm going to need you to make some in the closet and dresser so I don't have to keep going into the other room to get ready." Callie laughed and responded, "Oh I see, you just want me to get rid of all my girly clothes so you can move yours in." Arizona nodded and chirped, "Exactly!" Callie laughed again and brushed their lips together then replied, "Sounds good to me. I can't wait to have you all moved in and settled."
XXXX
Sofia pushed a box down the hallway and into her parents' room stating, "This is the last box, can I go play now?" Callie looked down to see the box labeled 'bathroom' and picked it up to carry it into the en-suite and said, "Yes baby girl, you can go play now. Thank you for your help." She smiled as she heard little feet padding down the hall and turned to the closet where Arizona was hanging her clothes and said, "I'm going to go put this bathroom stuff away then you are all set out here." Arizona nodded her head and hung up the last few dresses when Callie's words registered and she furrowed her brow as she realized she had already moved all her toiletries into their bathroom. As realization dawned, she rushed out of the closet to find Callie sitting on the bed with tears in her eyes and a pink bandana in her hand.
When she first opened the box, Callie reached in expecting to find shampoo or make-up and pulled out a handful of papers. Taking a closer look at the items in her hands, Callie felt her heart flip and her stomach fill with butterflies as she realized Arizona saved pieces of their past as well. Carrying the box back into the bedroom, she sat on the side of the bed, looked into the box, and pulled out a pink bandana. Tears sprung to her eyes as she saw the physical proof that Arizona still held onto their past. It's not that she thought their past wasn't important to the blonde, it's just that this wasn't something she did. Arizona wasn't the sentimental type, she didn't save reminders of dates or events, she didn't do the scrapbooks and photo albums like Callie did. She always said her memories were enough. Feeling her girlfriend's eyes on her, she looked up and nearly whispered, "You kept this?" Arizona nodded, smiled shyly, and explained, "It was our first Valentine's Day as wives and if I remember correctly, walking up to the trailer wasn't' the last time I wore that blindfold." She wiggled her eyebrows making Callie laugh. Callie dug through the box and found a ticket stub from the first movie they saw together, notes with her own handwriting, a plastic bag full of wrappers from treats she left for Arizona knowing she hadn't eaten before her shift, a CD with the names of all the songs they danced to on their first date, and pictures of them she had never even seen before. As she lifted the stack of pictures, she felt something soft brush her hand and reached in with the other hand and pulled out her old grey sweater. She must have looked for that thing for months after Arizona moved out. Almost reverently, she said, "You…you kept everything. You don't…you don't save things like this." Arizona smiled guiltily and shrugged, "I um…I didn't mean to, it's just…well, it's you and…YOU KEPT THINGS TOO!" Callie laughed and nodded her head, "I did, but I do things like that. I'm weird and sentimental. Arizona, this Rice Krispie Treat wrapper is ten years old and I have been wondering what happened to this sweater for years." Arizona blushed and flopped on the bed next to Callie and admitted, "So I'm weird and sentimental." She then took the sweater from her girlfriend and pouted as she said, "And just a little bit creepy." Callie chuckled, stood up, kissed her adorable girlfriend on the forehead and walked to the other side of the room and into their closet.
Reappearing with a box in her hand, Callie took her place on the bed and scooted Arizona's box out of the way and sat her own between them. Puzzled, Arizona eyed the box labeled 'bathroom' but in Callie's writing and looked up questioningly. At her girlfriend's nod, she carefully lifted the lid, peeked inside, and was instantly hit with a wave of nostalgia as she peered down at more reminders of their past relationship. Reaching in, she pulled out a folded piece of wax paper with what appeared to be a flattened and dried out rose inside and looked up in confusion. Callie smiled and explained, "It was from the bouquet of flowers you brought me on our first date." Arizona tried to keep her lips from trembling and the tears from falling as she picked up the other ticket stub from their first movie together, notes with her handwriting, receipts from their first ferry boat trip, pictures of just her or the two of them together, small toys she left in Callie's locker just to make her smile, and other odds and ends the significance of which only the two of them would understand. Reaching underneath the pile of notes and papers, she felt something soft encased in plastic and pulled it out of the box. Looking at it carefully, she pulled it out of the bag and held up the emerald green shirt that overlapped at the breasts and hung loose around the middle and gasped, "I haven't seen this since…" Callie knew her face was beat red with embarrassment and she finished, "Since that night you kissed me in a dirty bar bathroom." Just then, Arizona realized a little slip of paper had fallen out of the bag and she picked it up and read, "Arizona Robbins, sexiest kiss ever, even if it was in a dirty bar bathroom." She looked up at Callie speechless, she knew she kept things, she told her she kept them, but seeing them, seeing what she kept, and exactly how much their past meant to the other woman, it was overwhelming and she instantly knew what her girlfriend felt when she found her own box.
Lifting both lids labeled bathroom, Callie looked at Arizona with her brow raised and smirked as they said at the same time, "Nobody will look in a box meant for the bathroom." At that, they both broke into a fit of giggles. Sobering, Callie looked at the two boxes again, both of them held so much love, so many memories, looking up to Arizona, she shook her head and asked, "How did we let it get so bad?" Arizona reached into her box and pulled out a picture of the two of them sitting at a table in the hospital cafeteria surrounded by people. They were holding hands, staring into each other's eyes, and talking to one another as if no one else was around. Holding it up she said, "At some point, we stopped doing this, stopped talking, stopped putting each other first, stopped seeing each other." Callie studied the picture and recognized it was from early in their relationship. She slipped it from Arizona's grip and laid it on the bedside table saying, "Then we will frame this, set it on our dresser, and never forget again what's most important and we will put these other things in a scrapbook so we can look at it whenever we want to. I don't want our memories to be relegated to a dusty old box Arizona. I want them to fill our house, cover our walls, to remind us and everyone who comes here how far we've come, how much we've survived, how much our love has endured." Arizona nodded and leaned forward to brush their lips together and said, "I'd like that. I love you so much Calliope." Callie moved the boxes out of the way, pulled Arizona onto her lap and said, "I love you too and I promise I will never let anything overshadow that again."
Arizona rested her head against Callie's shoulder looking at their boxes of memories and remembered what Callie told her about Penny finding her box. She was wondering if she should ask her girlfriend to tell her the whole story. She didn't like thinking about Callie with Penny, or with anyone for that matter, but she was curious about how that box got them to where they are now. Callie noticed Arizona was eying her box and knew without asking what was on her mind. She kissed her temple and said quietly, "When Sofia and I first moved out here, it was a big adjustment, one neither of us was taking well. Penny was all ready to buy out of her lease and move into my apartment, but I knew Sofia wasn't ready for that yet and honestly, neither was I. I just didn't know why then and I think at the time, I was using Sof as my excuse." At Arizona's nod, she continued, "When my stuff was delivered, she came over to help unpack and just my luck, she was doing the bathroom." Arizona snorted but stayed quiet. Callie shook her head and said, "Obviously, she came across this box and unbeknownst to me, took it out to her car and to her own apartment." Arizona lifted her head, about to ask why; already knowing what was coming, Callie shook her head answering, "I didn't know why, I didn't care when I first found it. I was livid when I found this along with the papers from your lawyer in the back of her closet. That night I found it…" Arizona smiled and said, "My birthday." Callie chuckled and said, "Yes, your birthday." She then tapped Arizona's bottom prompting her to move off her lap. It's not that she didn't want her girlfriend close, but just thinking about all this again made her jittery and she had to move. Standing from the bed, she started pacing, trying to remember that time in her life. It felt like so long ago.
Arizona watched as Callie ran her hand through her hair and paced around their room. She could see just thinking about this was agitating her. Callie stopped in front of her and said, "I was feeling really unsettled that day. I mean, it was your birthday and I just…that's the first time you ever told me you loved me Arizona." The blonde nodded, she remembered that night like it was yesterday, it was the day from hell, but it was on that day that she knew without a doubt she was in love with Calliope Torres. It was also the only time she had ever told anyone she was dating that she loved them. Her thoughts were cut off as Callie continued pacing and talking, "I didn't do well on your birthday, ever. But that year it was bad. I took the day off work and, I don't know…I thought packing up her apartment, looking forward would help me, but then I found the box and the papers and your note, then dinner with her parents' and all their questions, and all I could do was compare them to Barb and the Colonel, then you called in the middle of this huge revelation, and it was all too much. It's when everything clicked for me. I told her we were done and kicked her out, I told her she could come back when we were gone to get whatever she had there. She tried to call, left messages, texted me, left notes on the door. I just…I was done. I was so angry and confused." Arizona sat quietly and listened to her girlfriend's erratic ramble trying to fit the pieces together. She thought she would be angry or hurt once she knew the whole story, learned that they went through everything for Callie to get to New York just to realize she'd made a mistake. But hearing the emotion, seeing the turmoil, she knew there was so much more to it than that. Seeing how upset and frustrated Callie was getting only worried her, but oddly, it made her understand the other woman better.
Callie walked to the patio doors and looked out at the back yard and tried to calm her nerves. She should have stayed on the bed with Arizona in her arms. She was certain once she told the blonde everything, she would be angry, at least for a little while. She would have every right to be, she was mad at herself. Taking a deep breath, Callie was preparing to continue when she felt soft hands slip under the back of her shirt and slide around to her abdomen caressing gently. She closed her eyes and allowed the tender touch to soothe her nerves. Arizona stepped closer, pressing her front into Callie's back when she felt the other woman start to relax. She realized part of what was upsetting her girlfriend was her own reaction, or what she thought it would be, what it should be. But in her mind, it was another one of those situations where one of them knew what the other was just figuring out. In this case, she already knew she still loved Callie, but Callie was fighting her feelings, she felt she had to. She was the one who walked away then she left everything and everyone behind. Leaning forward, she kissed the back of Callie's neck and whispered, "It's okay honey, just talk to me. I love you Calliope, nothing you say right now is going to change that." Callie nodded and smiled softly when she felt Arizona rest her head on her back.
Deciding to just put it all out there, to start at the beginning, Callie took a deep breath and said, "I, ah, I skipped over a lot. I'm um…I need to start over." Feeling Arizona nod, Callie turned and asked, "Do you remember the first time we were called to the pit for Sofia?" Arizona thought back to that day, as scary as it was to see her daughter in the ER, the worst part of that day for her was seeing Callie and Sofia walk away with Penny. That's the day she realized if Callie introduced the other woman to her daughter, she was more important to her ex-wife than she realized. Not sure where this was going, she simply asked, "How could I forget?" The pain that quickly flashed across the blonde's face didn't go unnoticed and Callie could only hope she wasn't about to cause more as she said, "That was the first time." Arizona wondered why Callie was going so far back and just confirmed, "I know, it was the first time you introduced…" Callie cut her off and said, "No, it was the first time I realized I wanted you in my future." Arizona furrowed her brow in confusion and asked, "What? But you…" Callie took a deep breath and started over. "The night before, Penny told me she loved me." Arizona closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead; she really hated thinking about this and really, that was the beginning of Callie and Penny's relationship, not the end. As she was about to open her mouth to say as much, Callie continued, "I said 'thank you'." Not expecting that at all, Arizona just started laughing. She looked up and saw Callie was serious and tried to stop herself but couldn't keep the smile off her face.
Callie shook her head at her girlfriend and found that she too was smiling. She explained, "I just…I panicked. I mean, I cared about her and things were…nice with her. Anyway, she told me that, then I go to the pit and she's talking to our daughter, and you were all nice and it didn't seem to bother you, and I freaked out. I wasn't ready for that…I wanted to be…I thought I was. But when she asked me why I was upset, if it was because of what she said the night before, I panicked and blamed you." Arizona smirked and said, "Ah yeah, I remember. So, that's what that was about? But I don't see…I'm confused Callie." Callie stepped back and started pacing again then explained, "I went to Bailey and asked her how I'd know if Sofia was ready to meet her…if I was ready. She told me to think about Sofia playing soccer in the World Cup. So I closed my eyes and envisioned this beautiful girl with the name Torres emblazoned on her back running down the field skillfully dodging each opponent as she took the ball to the goal. As I watched our daughter bring her leg back and shoot the ball into the net and score the winning goal, I squeezed the hand I was holding tight and jumped up and screamed at the top of my lungs and pulled the hand up with me. Just then, Bailey asked me who I saw standing there next to me cheering with me. I turned my head and could see the same excitement and pride that I felt dancing in those amazing twinkling cerulean blue eyes. I saw you Arizona. I can only ever see you." She turned then and looked into the shocked face of her girlfriend and before the shock could turn to anger she continued, "But…but I left you, I walked away and…and Richard was talking about trivia nights and you were like the president of the Penny fan club and…" She stopped and it was like her entire body deflated when she finished nearly on a whisper, "…and I knew, I just…I didn't think you saw me, that you would see me if you…" She allowed herself to trail off. She didn't know what else to say, so she waited.
Arizona stood near the patio doors speechless. Much like she did during their first talk she said, "You…you didn't say anything Callie." Callie shook her head and said, "I didn't. I didn't think I had the right. You were doing so much better; you were happy and healed and…" She shrugged and said, "So, I tried…I tried to change the vision. I tried to see Penny. I did everything I could to convince you, everyone, especially me, that I could be happy, that I was happy with Penny." Arizona nodded and snorted, "The happiest you've ever been." Callie closed her eyes and turned around. She couldn't handle seeing the pain on Arizona's face. Pain she caused. She walked to the other side of the room and sat on her side of the bed not knowing if she should continue. If it even mattered now.
Arizona watched as Callie slumped on the bed with her head in her hands. This story was just another example of their failure to communicate. She never showed the pain she was in and because of that, Callie didn't feel like she could tell her how she felt. Thinking back to that time, she knew she hated seeing her ex-wife with another person, she did still love her, but just like she'd been saying for the past two weeks, there's no telling what would have happened. She still believed it happened now because they were both ready, they were both in better places and could finally be open and honest, obviously they still weren't communicating properly at that point. Yes, it hurt knowing Callie knew then and still did everything she did. But at the same time, it was oddly comforting to know that the other woman never truly stopped loving her or thinking about her. Hearing Callie sniffle, seeing her body tremble, Arizona crossed the room and sat next to her girlfriend and reached out to rub soothing circles on her back and waited for her to calm down. Startled to feel the comforting touch, Callie looked over and though she saw traces of pain in those beautiful blue eyes, she could feel the love and tenderness in the touch, see it in the soft expression on her girlfriend's face. Swallowing thickly she asked, "Do you…um do you want me to continue?" Arizona smiled softly and teased, "Well, I kind of know how the story ends, but, yeah, I'd like to hear the rest if you're up for it." Callie nodded and laid her hand on the blonde's leg palm up and smiled when Arizona immediately placed her free hand in hers.
Callie took a deep breath and looked at their joined hands and said, "When we got to New York, things were different between Penny and me. Strained. She knew I wasn't willing to put her before my daughter and I knew she wasn't willing to put me before her job. Sofia saw her as the reason we moved there and was angry for a long time. She was okay when it was just the two of us, but when Penny came to visit…it wasn't pretty." Arizona chuckled and said, "Oh trust me, I am well aware of our daughter's moods and tantrums." Callie nodded and continued, "During one of our fights, we hadn't been there a week or more, Penny brought you up, she said you were still in love with me. You had to be to fight so hard for Sofia then turn around and let me bring her to New York. I didn't believe her. I mean, you should have hated me. I hated me." Arizona kept quiet and let Callie continue. Seeing Arizona was neither going to confirm nor deny either accusation, Callie went on, "Then you came to visit and sign all the paperwork." They had already talked about this, Callie confirmed this was when things started changing for her. Shaking her head, Callie explained, "That's when things changed, but I didn't know how much, not until much later." Arizona arched her brow in question and Callie responded, "I'll skip to the end now, you know the middle already, that will clear it up." At Arizona's nod, Callie kissed the back of her hand and stood up to start pacing again.
Callie walked across the room and explained, "Maria had already suggested that I see Dr. G. About a week after I broke up with Penny I went to my first appointment. I was so angry at her, so confused…about you. I knew what I wanted, but it wasn't fair to you. Our first few meetings were just me dumping everything out. During that time, Penny kept trying to contact me, but I couldn't see her or talk to her. About three months into my sessions, after A LOT of revelations, I realized I still had so many unanswered questions, so Dr. G suggested I talk to her to try to find some closure, for her, for me, and for us…ahh…you and me, us. She said if I wanted to try to get you back, I had to have a clean slate, no skeletons waiting to pop out. So, I asked Penny to meet with me and she agreed. We met at Dr. G's office." Arizona tilted her head in question and Callie continued, "I didn't want to meet in public because I knew it would be intense, I also didn't want to meet at my apartment because I didn't want the negativity there. I needed to be able to keep a clear head, to ask the questions I had, to say the things I needed to say and at that time, Dr. G's office was my safe space." Arizona seemed to tense up a bit and Callie realized she was thinking she didn't trust herself to be alone with Penny, that she would change her mind. Callie tried to reassure her as she explained, "Arizona, at no time did I ever question if I made the right choice, at no time did I miss her or want to try again. That night, the night of your birthday, I made my choice and the only thing I ever questioned from that point forward was WHEN I was going to try to get my wife back." Arizona smiled at Callie's reassurance; she was almost certain her girlfriend knew what she was thinking. She had wondered if they tried to reconcile first, but now she had her answer.
Just thinking about her conversation with her ex-girlfriend made Callie angry. She closed her eyes and tried to remain calm as she recalled, "I had a list of questions and things I wanted to say and asked her to do the same. Of course, I asked her about the letter and the box, and her answer only served to anger me further." Arizona tilted her head in question. She could see Callie was getting riled up again as she started pacing the room. Callie rubbed the back of her neck and explained, "She said that after your visit, she felt like something changed with me, with the way I was with her and honestly, the way I was with you too. She told me a few nights after you went back home, I woke up screaming your name and just yelling that I needed to find my wife, I wanted my wife back. She said it was like I was in a trance and when she tried to wake me, she called me Calliope and I started crying and grabbed the pillow and hugged it to me saying I was sorry, that I should never have let you get on that plane and I would never let you go again." Arizona could feel the tears pricking the backs of her eyes. She remembered hearing something like that from Mark's apartment in the middle of the night when she couldn't sleep, but she didn't realize it was her wife having nightmares about her plane crash. She thought she was just venting when she thought no one could hear her. Seeing the tears in Arizona's eyes, Callie rushed to her side, dropped to her knees, and asked, "Is this too much? Should I stop?" Arizona shook her head and wiped her eyes and explained, "No, it's not too much, I just…I don't like hearing you were hurting so badly." Callie lifted her hand to Arizona's cheek and wiped a stray tear and said, "I'm okay now." Arizona nodded and Callie stayed where she was.
Thinking about where she left off, she said, "She never said anything. She explained that she already knew you still loved me, but since I was denying it, since I didn't see it, she hoped it meant I didn't still love you. When she helped me move in and found my box, it made her angry. She couldn't understand why I kept it and she put it in her trunk, her first thought was to get rid of everything, to throw it out. She claims she didn't because she loved me and didn't want to hurt me that way. That after she thought about it, maybe I was holding onto it for Sofia. So she just put it in her closet." Arizona took a deep breath and could only say, "Wow." Callie snorted and nodded, "Yeah, well after you left and I was having those nightmares, plural by the way, she was at my apartment one afternoon to surprise me when I got home from work, when a delivery came and apparently she was the one who was surprised. She signed for the letter and seeing it was from your attorney, she opened it. She claimed she thought you had changed your mind and reported me for kidnapping or something and if that was the case, she wanted to be the one to tell me. After reading it and seeing your note, she said she knew if I saw that, I would finally see that you still loved me and would realize I still loved you and leave her. I blew up. I told her she was damn right and she knew how important being recognized as Sofia's mother was to me, to both of us and she didn't say anything. She couldn't say anything." Arizona brought her hands to rub at her temples and tried to process everything Callie was telling her. She didn't see this coming. The Penny she knew in Seattle was calm and quiet, easy going, this was…crazy.
Callie shook her head and said, "Meanwhile, I was figuring everything out for myself. I told you how I got to the hospital and everything started changing for me. My head started to clear and I could see things that I couldn't in Seattle. Things were…calmer between us…but she was right, I wasn't the same. I still tried to fight the thoughts I was having; the dreams were coming every night. Not nightmares, they were dreams, memories of the times we spent together, the happy times. Sometimes they were the REALLY happy times." Callie smirked and wiggled her eyebrows making Arizona laugh. Arizona lifted her hand to rub at the stubble at the side of Callie's head, knowing they both needed it at that moment and asked, "So what happened? Did you talk to her after that? She didn't seem all that upset or surprised to see us together last week." Callie shook her head and said, "I haven't seen nor talked to her since that day. Dr. G stepped in when she saw how upset I was getting. She asked me to allow Penny to explain everything then I would get the chance to do the same. You know how hard that was for me." Arizona smiled and said, "Yeah, I think I remember something like that about you." Callie smiled, relieved the mood had lightened and they could joke about it a little bit.
Callie took both of Arizona's hands in hers and said, "She um…she told me something that I never realized, but at the same time, didn't really surprise me. It kind of left me stunned. She told me, she said she knew this was coming, she tried to fight it, to deny it, but aside from everything else, um…you know how that first time she said…and I said, 'thank you'?" Arizona nodded and Callie continued, "Um well, I never…I told her we were in the same place, I told her it would have been nice for her to ask me to come to New York with her, I told her I cared about her…I never…" Arizona listened to what Callie was saying and finally figured out what she wasn't saying, what she didn't say…what she never said apparently. She gasped and pulled her hands away from Callie's and put them over her mouth. Callie looked up trying to read her girlfriend's expression. She knew she was either going to be really really pissed, or over the moon happy. For her sake, she was hoping for the latter. When she just sat there with her eyes open wide, staring, with her hands over her mouth, Callie put her hands on the blonde's knees and urged, "Say something Arizona?" Keeping her hands over her mouth, Arizona shook her head back and forth reminiscent of their daughter from the previous day making Callie smile. Seeing this, Arizona closed her eyes tightly. She should be mad, she knew she should be shaking with anger, or sad, crying, upset, something, she should at least feel for the other woman, for both of them. But she couldn't, and she couldn't look at Callie. If she opened her eyes right now and looked at her girlfriend, she would know what a terrible awful person she was.
Callie stared at Arizona who was squeezing her eyes shut and covering her mouth leaving no clue about how she was feeling. She was actually getting worried. What if she was covering her mouth because she was trying not to say all the horrible things she wanted to say? What if she had her eyes closed to fight back the tears? Oh God! She wasn't angry, she was upset, she was hurting. Lifting her hands to grasp Arizona's wrists, she pulled gently and started to say, "Arizona, honey, I didn't mean to…" Then she heard it, the laughter, the deep, rich, bubbling laughter. She looked up to see those bright eyes shimmering with tears, not of anger or hurt but of joy. Shaking her head, Callie dropped her hands and sat back on her heels waiting for the laughter to die down. After about a minute, she was getting frustrated and said, "All right, all right, I get the point." Arizona looked at Callie and fanned her face with her hands then became serious and she hauled off and punched her girlfriend on the shoulder…HARD and exclaimed, "Damn you Calliope Torres, you put me, our daughter, and all our friends…and…and yourself through hell!" Callie rubbed her shoulder and now understood what Arizona meant when she always said that she learned to hit hard and hit fast so she only had to hit once and thanked God her girlfriend didn't aim for her face.
Finally calming down, Arizona looked at Callie who was still nursing her arm and asked, "Did I really hurt you?" Callie looked down at her shoulder which did hurt like a bitch but answered, "Not as badly as I hurt you." Arizona held out her hand for Callie to take, grateful when she did and gave it a little tug to let Callie know she wanted her to sit on the bed next to her. Leaning over, she kissed the injured shoulder and offered, "I'm sorry I hit you." Callie shrugged and answered, "I expected worse." Arizona realized the truth of that statement and said, "You can finish, I'll be good." Callie huffed and continued, "I actually felt bad when she told me that, I didn't feel bad that I never said it, I wouldn't have meant it. I felt bad that I let everything get so out of hand, that I was so selfish, that I did put everyone, including Penny through hell, just like you said. She said she did all those things because she knew I didn't love her, but she thought if we were away from everything, away from you, from reminders of you, I would fall in love with her, and I guess, in some weird way, I thought that too. But it didn't happen, the only thing that happened was I realized that I couldn't, I couldn't love her or anyone else because I loved you." Arizona nodded and asked, "Did you tell her that?" Callie looked down at their clasped hands and linked their fingers then responded, "I did. I apologized to her for hurting her, for using her, because that was one of the things I had realized during my talks with Dr. G. I used her as an excuse to get away." Arizona nodded not knowing what to say. Callie took a deep breath and said, "She told me she thought she loved me, but she realized, after watching us, the lengths we went to, she realized that she didn't know what love was. She wished me all the best and said she hoped that one day both of us would come to our senses."
The two sat quietly for quite a while, neither saying a word, neither making a move, just staring straight ahead, but still holding hands. Arizona was just trying to process everything, trying to make sense of it all. It felt like the last few years was like a comedy of errors, a series of missteps, miscommunications, and everyone saw it but them, they were the butt of their own joke. Callie was trying to put herself in Arizona's shoes, trying to think about how she would feel if everything were reversed, but she couldn't, she knew she couldn't and the worst possible thing she could do right now is assume what her girlfriend was feeling. That's how they got into this mess in the first place. It was a mess, she recognized that now. Looking behind her, she saw the picture she kept from Arizona's box and reached back to grab it. Arizona watched Callie stretch across the bed and grab the picture from her bedside table. When Callie sat back up, she held the picture in front of her and looked at it without saying a word. Arizona glanced down at the picture as well and thought about the two women who were seated across from each other smiling and talking. If she studied it hard enough, she could probably remember the conversation. That's how it was, how it had always been, for both of them, she knew Callie could do it too. Therein lie the problem, or part of it, a blessing and a curse really, because they could both remember every detail of every conversation and they took every word at face value and many times in their relationship, they used that knowledge to come together, but at times, especially later in their relationship, they often used it against each other.
Callie just stared at the two women and finally asked, "Do you think if they knew everything we know now, they would have stayed together?" Arizona studied the picture briefly and said, "Oh absolutely, they wouldn't have believed it." Callie furrowed her brow and asked, "How do you know that?" Arizona looked at the picture and answered confidently, "Because, nothing happened yet. Well, except, George died." Callie looked down at the picture again and tried to figure out how her girlfriend knew that. Arizona pointed at the Callie in the photo and explained, "You are wearing attending scrubs, so it was after the merger, thus, after George. We have our necklaces on, so we already said, 'I love you', my hair is a little past my shoulders and your bangs are in that awkward stage so it was long after we met, but way before Africa, you are wearing a shirt under your scrubs so it was before we moved in together and I no longer felt the need to claim you as mine, oh…and it was before the shooting and baby fight because, well…the shirt…and your nails are blue. You stopped painting your nails dark colors after the shooting and only did it when we were fighting, which was weird now that you think about it." Callie chuckled and started to say something when Arizona cut in with, "Plus, they are Callie and Arizona." Callie looked down at the picture again and started to lift her other hand and smiled when she noticed it was still linked with Arizona's and realized they ARE Callie and Arizona, they survived the baby fight, the shooting, the trip to Africa, the unplanned pregnancy, the car accident, the plane crash, the amputation, the miscarriage, and even the cheating. Now, here they sat, after a divorce, a horrible custody battle, a girlfriend, a move across the country, and they were holding hands, still in love, more in love than they were before.
Putting the picture down next to her, Callie turned and reached for Arizona's other hand and asked, "I love you, you love me, and none of the rest of it matters?" Arizona shook her head causing Callie to frown and corrected, "I love you, you love me, and everything else matters, it just doesn't take precedence, it doesn't come before that love, but if it matters to one of us, it matters to both of us and we have to face it together." Raising their hands, she added, "Like this." Callie smiled and tugged the smaller woman forward and rested their heads together and whispered, "I do love you Arizona Robbins, with everything that I am." Arizona smiled softly and responded, "I love you Calliope Torres, with everything that I am." They both leaned in at the same time and brushed their lips together. Arizona slipped her tongue into Callie's welcoming mouth to deepen the kiss and moved their hands so Callie's arms were now wrapped around her waist then tangled her arms around Callie's neck and pulled her closer still. Callie moaned softly and moved one hand long enough to push the boxes out of the way and guide them down onto the bed and pulled them up some so they were lying on their sides. Changing the angle of the kiss, Arizona shifted so her body was resting half on top of Callie's and slid her hand underneath the soft shirt and sighed as she felt the warm skin of her abdomen and continued upward until she was kneading a soft full breast. Following her girlfriend's lead, Callie slid her hand up the back of Arizona's top and just finished unclasping her bra when she heard, "Are you guys done with…" Startled, both women pulled apart quickly and jumped off the bed. Feeling less support than she should, Arizona narrowed her eyes and glared at Callie who was staring at their daughter like a deer caught in the headlights.
Sofia, to her credit, had covered her eyes with her hands and asked, "Can I look now?" Arizona reached behind her, clasped her bra, and said, "Um…yeah baby, you can look." Sofia pulled her hands down slowly and looked at both of the mothers who she swore couldn't get redder if they were sunburned and asked, "Can we go outside now? You promised if I helped you move mommy's things, we could go swimming when we were finished." Callie ran her hand through her hair still trying to calm her racing heart after being caught in such a precarious position by their daughter. Looking to Arizona, she realized she wasn't in any shape to answer either and cleared her throat then answered, "Yeah sweetie, we can go swimming now. Go get your suit on and we will be right out." Sofia slowly walked out of the room trying to get the image of what she just saw out of her mind when she heard her mama whisper, "Should we talk to her about it?" Shaking her head, she answered, "Nope! We should never talk about this again. Ever!" Hearing both moms burst into giggles, the little girl also started laughing quietly. She realized it could be much worse, they could be fighting.
A/N: So, I had every intention of skipping over Sunday, and just briefly mentioning it in this chapter. This was one of those situations where the characters kind of took control and decided they wanted to do something other than what I had planned. Trust me when I say we had words. I literally fought with this all week, hoping to surprise you with another mid-week update. But, in the end, I realized all of this needed to happen before our ladies moved forward.
I hope this answers some questions and satisfies some curiosities. Otherwise I just spent many many hours on a crappy chapter.
Everything is Shonda's, I'm just trying to fix what she (well, what the writers) broke.