The door slides open illuminating the dark sunken room and the even more sunken figure inside. Robin doesn't even flinch at the noise of the door opening and closing anymore, it's just a distraction, and whoever's making the attempt this time will be gone sooner or later. If he ignores them they'll likely leave sooner but he can already tell by the presence it's not going to be so easy.
"It's been five days." Raven's raspy voice cuts through the silence.
He clenches his teeth, ignoring her for now, he doesn't need the reminder that time has passed. It's just an even longer period of time he's gone without answers.
"Robin." She tries again, her voice low and gentle.
"What do you want?" His voice is rough.
"You need some sleep." She ignores his tone.
"So I've heard." He responds flatly.
"So you should listen." She pushes, moving closer to the desk. "How long has it been since you've slept?"
"Five days apparently."
She huffs, stopping next to him, leaning against him slightly. Her hand comes up to rake through his hair in gentle long strokes, and he hates to admit how relaxing the sensation feels.
"You haven't slept in here at all?" She asks.
"I don't know." It comes out harshly. "Are you just here to bother me or do you need something?"
"Bother you." She repeats flatly. "Is that what I'm doing?"
"Yes." He bites bitterly. "I'm trying to focus and find some fucking answers here, and it seems like every other minute or so one of you is in here bitching about something I have or haven't done. If you're not here to help me, just leave."
Her hand on his head is still as she remains silent for a moment.
"Is that all I am still? 'One of them'." Her hand trails down his neck, her nails digging into the skin slightly. "We're your friends, Richard, we're all here to help you despite what you may think in this delusional brain of yours."
"Delusional." He hissed, pulling away from her touch to look at her. "It's delusional thinking none of this matters! This is my job, Raven. I can't just take a break from my job when people's lives are at stake!"
Her hand remains raised for a moment before it settles at her side as she regards him. "You can." She says slowly. "You're just too stubborn to admit it."
He huffs out a breath turning back towards the paperwork on his desk, shaking his head. He reverts to his original tactic; if he ignores her she'll leave. He should have known better than to think she would cave so easily. She stands silently beside him for far longer than he feels comfortable with, and he almost thinks she's going to be stubborn enough to lock herself in here with him. She's done it before and after two days of them driving each other crazy, he finally stormed out of the room which only prompted a boost to her own ego.
"Look I'm not asking you to stop doing your job completely, I'm just asking you to take a break for a single night so your brain and your body can be refreshed." She waits in silence. "You know what happened the last time you let yourself get like this." More silence. "Do you know what's happened since you've been in here?" She asks, her voice is soft but he knows she's getting impatient. "Nothing. There have been no alerts, no one has died from anything other than natural causes, and the world is moving on without you. Your friends miss you… I miss you."
She moves behind him then, her hands slowly sliding over his shoulders to rub at the growing knots there. Her hands trail up his neck lightly before she bends over, allowing her hands to roam down over his chest so she can rest her head against his shoulder. Her hands sneak lower, occasionally dip under the hem of his shirt, grazing her fingers across the skin on his tight stomach.
"I can help you relax." She whispers in his ear. "Just one night, Rich."
The invitation is beyond tempting, the warmth of her body over his, her soft hands ghosting over skin that hasn't been touched in days. She mouths at his neck slowly, and he's frustrated with himself that his body automatically reacts to the touch and moves to allow her more access. He's even more frustrated feeling her smile against his skin, like she knew this trick would work, like it's just another ego boost.
He pushes her hands off of him and hunches farther over the desk. "You heard me. If you're not here to help me. Leave."
"You can't shut out the people you love like this." She says softly.
"Well it's a good thing I don-" He starts harshly but even in his sleep deprived inebriated state, he knows better than to finish his words
It's too late though, and he knows it. He feels her withdrawal from him completely, the air almost physically cold between them and he can almost feel the energy crackle around her like static.
"You don't what?" Raven's voice is tight and flat, in a tone he thought she strictly reserved for Beastboy. "You have something to say, Robin, say it."
He's silent now, but not because he's hoping for the seclusion he desired. He know's he's fucked up and he's not sure how he's going to remedy it.
"Rae…" He swallows, reaching out for her.
"Don't call me that." She snaps, pulling her cloak around her body. "You want to run your life into the ground, fine. You want to ignore and lose the people that care about you, fine. Maybe Star was right all those years ago after all, and we are destined to drift apart. But there are four of us that are trying to stop that from happening, it's a shame our leader can't be asked to do the same."
"Raven, wait I didn't me-"
He's cut off as she storms past him not waiting for him to finish. He watches her leave without looking back, her cape billowing behind her as the door slams shut. He blinks at the door and sighs, rolling his eyes, turning back to his papers and notes. Raven could be upset all she wanted, he was certain she would get over it. They both just needed time and space to get over their emotions and they would talk it out or fuck it out and they'd be just fine. His eyes rose from the papers to linger back on the closed door once again, and he swallowed.
"Dammit." He curses, clenching his fists trying to retain his attention on the files.
This is exactly what she wanted to do. It was another one of her tactics to entice him out of the room. If she couldn't get in his pants she was going to get into his head, and it wasn't going to work. She had better control over her emotions than he did at the moment and she knew it. She wasn't going to take advantage of him. He had work to do.
After two days without Raven or anyone else coming to check on him, Robin was hesitant to admit he might be worried. At least, he thinks it's been two days. Time continues to blur together the longer he sits at the desk. His body feels numb and he's not entirely sure the last time he's gone to the bathroom. His stomach aches, his back hurts, his eyes are sore, the list goes on. He doesn't feel any closer to finding answers than he did days ago, and he's got the sinking feeling his friends might have been right.
He eyes the door warily and sighs. He doesn't want to leave the room for a few reasons, the main one being he doesn't want to feel like the time he's spent in this room has been for nothing. There has to be some sort of connection to everything somewhere in the midst of his self created chaos. Another reason to stay hidden, is he doesn't want to admit how right his friends were, about a lot of things. He said a lot of hurtful and regretful things to his teammates, to his friends. To Raven.
His bed was sounding more and more enticing the longer he thought of it, along with a shower and maybe a hot meal. The longer basic human necessities started to drift through his mind, the harder it was to ignore all the requirements his body was lacking. When was the last time he'd even had any water? Taking a deep breath, he braces himself against the desk and shakily tries to stand. The pain in his stomach grows as he moves and he has to haunch over himself for a moment to gather himself in order to proceed. He groans as he finally moves his feet, each step creating an unbearable sloshing sensation in the pit of his stomach that almost makes him nauseous with the pain. He's unsure how long it takes him to finally make it to the door, but he has to take another minute braced against the nearby wall before he can bear to open it.
The searing luminescence of the hallway lights blind him like a flash grenade and he groans, rubbing at his eyes. He slowly starts down the hallway, not waiting for his eyes to finish adjusting as he braces himself along the wall. He's not sure what time it is, or even what day it is for that matter, so he's not sure where the rest of the group is. He hadn't heard any alerts since the one that had triggered him into this frenzy to begin with, so he likely assumed they were home. Starfire and Beastboy were the only two who cared to hang out outside the tower, at least more than the rest of them did. He wasn't looking to avoid them, but he wasn't necessarily looking for them to see him looking as pathetic as he did right now.
He pauses as he finds one of the full bathrooms in the hallway, considering his options of relieving half of his dismay in one go here, or trying to finish making the way to the privacy of his bathroom. The pain in his stomach and back make the decision for him and he stumbles his way into the brightly lit white tiled room. He relieves himself quickly at the toilet, wincing at the pain of having held his bladder for who knows how long. He sighs when he finishes his business, flushing the toilet and flipping the lid shut so he can sit down while the water takes its time to heat up. The room slowly fills with a billowy fog as the water warms both the room and him. The humidity feels nice, relaxing his body more than it's been in days. His eyes rest shut for a brief moment, enjoying the ease of the strain on his eyes.
He jolts quickly as the arm holding up his head loses balance against his leg, causing his heart to lurch as his head drops. He blinks warily through the steam filled room and sighs, slowly standing once more he removes his clothes, placing his mask on the counter by the sink before stepping into the shower. The water immediately soothes his skin and he groans as his muscles relax under the heat. He rests his hands against the wall, allowing the water to drip over his head and neck before cascading down the rest of his body.
Slowly he began going through the motions of washing his hair and his body, taking time to massage the extra sore areas of his neck and shoulders as he did. He had to admit it felt good to get the residual layer of sweat, grime, and worst of all failure, off his skin. Eventually the heat grows neutral on his skin body, no longer offers the relief it originally had and he shuts the water off. Grabbing a towel off the wall he rubs his hair down quickly before doing the same with his body and wrapping the towel snugly around his waist. He gathers his clothes in a ball, slips his mask back on before exiting the bathroom and heading towards his room.
His stomach growls angrily as a reminder he still has other bodily requirements that haven't been met yet. The reminder in his stomach ripples through his entire torso, nauseating him slightly causing his head to spin. He sighs, deciding against his room for the moment to oblige to the whims of his body. He only needed a snack for now, just something to settle his stomach for the time being. Sleep is what he was really craving, as much as he hated admitting when he was wrong he could feel the strain the lack of sleep had put on his body. His brain was barely firing at 50% let alone the confident 100 he was used to.
Dropping off his clothes in a heap by his bedroom door, he continued onwards down the hall towards the main room. He's not sure what time it is, but if the light outside the windows is any indication, it's either really early or really late. If he's lucky no one will be awake right now and he can get in and out quickly with any of the confrontations he's been dreading. The door to the main room slides open, illuminating the large dark room with light from the hallway. A robotic head peaks over the back of the couch at the noise and grins gently.
"Well look who it is." Cyborg leans farther over the couch to get a better look at the titan. "I take it she finally got to ya?"
Robin's head lolls at his friend's words and rolls his eyes behind his mask. "Something like that."
"Well you'll be happy to know the house didn't fall apart without you, and neither did the city." His friend smiles at him.
"Happy to hear it." Robin mumbles, though his tone doesn't match his words.
"You look like you're still barely running on fumes, man. You okay?" Cyborg asks, his brow knits up in concern.
"I am." Robin admits. "Just came for some food."
"Ah, well there's left over burgers from dinner and some deli meat left if you want a sandwich. There's plenty for both you and Raven." Cyborg says, turning back to his security screen.
"Raven didn't have dinner?" Robin perks up slightly as he closes the distance towards the kitchen.
Cyborg turns back to face him with a look of confusion. "No? I thought she was with you?"
The two stare at each other for a brief moment as the words slowly connect in Robin's brain. "No…she…we had a fight…when she came to check on me."
Cyborg regards him for a moment silently, his expression cautiously neutral. "Must have been a pretty bad fight, we haven't seen her since she said she was going to see you. That's why none of us have been in there, we thought you two were pulling each other's hair out."
"No, she left a few days ago I think." Robin frowns, pulling a cold plain burger patty out of the fridge and biting into them.
Cyborg bites his lip, turning away from his leader awkwardly with an uncomfortably nervous look. Robin blinks at the back of the man's head as he chews his cold crumbly burger meat, he can feel it scrape its way down his dry throat and settle with almost a hollow thud in the pit of his stomach.
"Do you know where she is?" Robin asks after a moment.
"Did you not just hear the conversation we just had where I said we thought she had been with you the last two days?" Cyborg asks, his focus still locked on the screen in front of him. "If she wasn't with you I'd have to guess she's in the only other place she cares to be; her room."
Robin nods, chewing his food slowly. "Thanks." He mutters, turning to leave the room.
"I know I don't have to be the one to tell you, it's probably not wise to be on Raven's bad side, of all people." Cy says, stilling Robin's steps. "I also probably don't have to tell you that she's not an easy person to hurt. I know you can say some pretty harsh things when you're in those moods, but as our leader you better try and fix whatever you said to her."
Robin sighs, "Yeah. I know."
He turns to leave again, this time making his escape back into the hallway before he can be berated by his friends any more. It feels like his body is being puppeteered by stilts as he wanders his way towards Raven's room. Since the moment he gave up on his investigation an hour ago, he'd dreamt of nothing more than to lay down and wipe away his exhaustion and defeat with a good 16 hour nap. But now there was another roadblock in the way that was going to prevent that for another unprecedented amount of time. It was hard not to feel slightly resentful towards Raven in that moment, but the glimmer of rationality he held told him he was completely to blame for the entire situation. He could be peacefully asleep right now, maybe even in her arms, if he'd been able to break through his irrationally tinted haze days ago. But he was stubborn, and insistent; not to mention so was Raven.
He stopped in front of her door, slightly dazed as he had to remember how to hold his balance for a moment.
"Raven?" He calls, listening for any movement inside to indicate life.
The hallway is silent around him, not even the whispers of footsteps ghosting around her room. He pushes at her door slightly, expecting it to slide open at his presence, but it stays firmly stationary. Robin frowns at the door, she'd locked him out?
"Rae?" He calls slightly louder, knocking against the cool metal. "I came to…talk."
Silence. Robin sighs.
"Look, I…you were right." He pauses, waiting for an acknowledgement that doesn't come. "I needed to sleep and eat, and everything else you said."
Silence.
His hands fall to his sides with a slap as his tone becomes exasperated. "I'm sorry, okay? I shouldn't have said what I said, but you know I didn't mean it."
Silence.
"God dammit, I'm not the one shutting people out, Raven! You're being a hypocrite!" He slams a fist against the door, blinking as his vision spins and his body sags against the door slightly. His heart beats rapidly in his chest for a moment and he has to take a moment to breathe.
"Fuck, I'm so tired." He whispers breathlessly to himself, his eyes almost burning with the desire to rest.
"I'm sorry." Robin's voice is softer as he rests against the door for a moment. "I mean it. I really am sorry about what I said. I miss you too, Rae."
He pulls his weight off the door slightly, waiting and listening for another minute longer, hoping for any semblance of a sound.
Silence.
His eyes shut as he accepts her answer, before turning and starting on his final trek down to his room for the night. All the movement he's done tonight has exhausted him further far more than he was anticipating. If his bed was enticing before, it was irresistible now. The pile of clothes he'd left outside his door earlier seemed to taunt him as he neared it, the will to bend down and pick them up was about as strong as his will to stay awake. Deciding to neglect it for later, he passes them in the hallway and slides into his room. Even through his frustration and exhaustion, there had been a small fragment of his brain that had hoped perhaps Raven would be there to greet him, in his bed or at least in his room; bitter expression, but there nonetheless. To his dismay, his room lay vacant and still. The last bit of his strength leaves him in a sigh as he crawls into his bed alone. His solitude had never felt so lonely.
His brain is only partially awake as he feels his body move. Opening his eyes is a death sentence, and he's not ready to give up on this blissful sleep just yet. Rolling his shoulder, he stretches his limbs slightly, ignoring the stiffness in his joints. He rolls over, envisioning more sleep, but even in his inebriated state he hears the faint grunt beside him as his hand comes into contact with a warm solid object.
His eyes flutter open to blearily make out a purple haired figure beside him, and it feels like his heart swells. He blinks a few times trying to get the fog away from his head enough to properly acknowledge her presence, and he slowly scoots his way the short distance between them to wrap an arm around her body. He pulls her close, his nose pressed into her hair, inhaling the faint herbal smell exuding from her skin. He hears her hum slightly at his touch, curling into his warmth, as she stirs warily in his arms. He nuzzles closer to her, kissing the back of her head slightly and he feels her tense suddenly. Her body remains stiff and she remains silent for far too long and he feels like he should have stayed asleep.
"Rich," She calls his name softly after a moment, and he offers a hum in acknowledgement. "I need you to get off me."
It's his turn to stiffen at her words, he blinks a few times before doing as she asks and pulling away, putting the distance back between them. He expects her to turn and face him; flat expression and arms crossed, but she doesn't. She remains still in the same position facing away from him, and her silence settles a pit deep in his stomach. He feels cold, despite the warmth of his bed, his voice catches in his throat at even the thought of speaking her name.
His eyes stare intently at the back of her head, waiting anxiously. As the quiet ticked on he considered the ups and downs of her being here in the moment. For one, it was good she was here at all, he fully expected to have to grovel a lot longer for forgiveness before she even gave him the time of day. Two, she was using his real name, which was reserved for solely their private sessions. Three, by the looks of it, even through the darkness, he could make out the slightly too big shirt she was drowning in that he assumed was likely one of his, and finally; she had been here long enough to doze off with him, not knowing how long it would be until he woke up.
As far as the downsides, everything from this point out was completely unexpected. He'd put his foot on his mouth multiple times, and they'd always been able to work it out amicably. But he knew how badly he fucked up this time, and he could very easily see her reverting back to shutting him out. It was bad she shut down his embrace; even on their worst days she never seemed to shy away from his touch. And worst of all, she had still refused to look at him. She lay so still and rigid he wasn't sure for a moment if she was even breathing.
The room is silent as he waits with bated breath, and quietly he hears the faint smack of her dry lips opening to speak.
"You finally came out." She notes, her voice low and flat.
"No, I'm still straight." He tries joking to ease some tension, smiling at her back through the darkness.
She doesn't even offer a pity laugh, giving no indication that she even heard him speak.
Robin swallows. "I'm sorry."
She seems to shrink in on herself slightly and his heart lurches to reach out to her.
"I need to know what this is." Her voice is hoarse.
He blinks at the back of her head. "What do you mean?"
He hears her swallow, and her head dips, curling in towards her chest. "I know you can say cruel things when you're fixated like that, but every heated statement hides a little bit of honesty, yes?"
His eyes trail over her body as he considers her words. "Not always."
He feels her body tremble against the bed as she lets out a shaky breath. "Robin, I trust you more than anybody else I know." She has to clear her throat to continue. "I can handle it if you don't love me, but I need you to be honest with me and tell me what we're doing here."
He swallows shakily, his eyes soft. Anxiety swells in his chest as the feeling of dread washes over him.
"What is it you want it to be?" He asks finally, unsure how to respond.
She's silent as her body continues shuddering against the bed lightly, and he craves nothing more than to wrap his arms around her. The quiet settles tensely as she takes her time, thinking of the words to answer him.
"I don't want to be used again." Her voice comes out so small and sad it feels like his heart physically breaks.
He moves then, gathering her in his arms, pulling her close. A sob wracks through her body and he hears a light shatter somewhere around them.
"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Rae." He coos on repeat as he consoles her.
"I can't keep feeling like that's all I'm good for." She cries. "My magic, my body, my feelings. I can't—" her breath hiccups cutting herself off, as she breaks into scattered tears.
He runs comforting passes over her arms, shoulders, and back as he places gentle kisses across her head. He pulls her closer, rolling her over so he can wrap her into his chest. She remains rigid in his arms for a few moments as she cries, before slowly sinking into his embrace, curling her fingers into the sheets around him. He continues holding her, ghosting his hands lightly over her back and head trying to calm her down, but unsure what to say.
"Fuck," She mutters against his chest, wiping at her face. "I wasn't supposed to cry."
"It's okay." He assures her, brushing tears away from her cheeks.
She rolls her eyes, trying to blink the tears away. Robin leans forward to kiss her forehead gently and her eyes shut but her body stiffens.
"I don't want to lose you." Robin admits into her hair.
"Okay," She says slowly. "That's a start."
He swallows, biting his lip. His feelings are never really present at any given time, it's hard for him to really distinguish them unless they overwhelm him with intensity. It's easier to tell what he's feeling when his body gives him a physical response to rely on. Anger and fear trump his emotions the most, at least that he can tell, the rush of energy that fills his head and chest as the adrenaline washes over him is simultaneously the best and worst part. Joy was easily attributed to smiling and laughter, the easier it felt to let himself go in those moments the happier he was. He could hardly remember the last time he had allowed himself to be sad, he never cried so it was hard to associate the feeling with anything memorable. A feeling like love was almost indecipherable. When was the last time he could say he'd physically felt a sensation of love? He felt love when his mother had hugged him, when his father had ruffled his hair. Bruce was never a physically affectionate man, nor an emotional one, but Robin was sure to some extent, Bruce loved him; even if the man had never outright said it.
He tried focusing specifically on how he felt when he was around Raven. The obvious signs of joy were there, smiling and laughing often in her presence. Her quick wit and smart mouth were some of his favorite features, especially since she was able to hold her own against his own smart mouth and occasional bad attitude. Even while enjoying their solitude in silence the traces of a smile never seemed to fully leave his face. His heart would flutter weirdly sometimes when she looked at him, the feeling occasionally radiating in his stomach. The feeling of dread he'd had as she'd pulled away from his touch crossed his mind. His anger at being shut out from her room, the regret of his words. After coming down from the high of his investigation fixation, the only thing more appealing than the idea of his bed alone, was the idea of the two of them curled up together. It may not be for forever, but was he willing to risk losing her now?
"I'm trying hard to let you use your words and not to pry into the emotional side of what you're thinking, but your cocktail is making it a little hard." Raven murmurs against his chest.
Robin licks his lips. "Feelings…are hard for me." He starts.
"Yeah?" She agrees flatly and he almost wants to laugh at her tone.
"Can't you just tell what I'm feeling? Just dig into my brain and pull out the thoughts?" He sighs.
"I'd prefer not to."
"But you could." He pushes.
"But I prefer not to." She pauses a moment, her voice tight. "If you can't talk to me about this, I think we should end this." She shuffles slightly, attempting to put space between them.
"No," Robin tightens his grip around her as his heart thuds and his head spins. "Please stay."
She looks up at him frowning, but sighs in resignation before relaxing slightly back in his arms.
"I don't think I know what I'm feeling a lot of the time…" He continues slowly. "I know I regret what I said to you, both in the file room and last night. I was disappointed to not be able to see you, even though I completely deserved it."
He takes a moment to think, trying to translate the explanation in his brain into a verbal statement. She watches him with soft but intent eyes, allowing him the time to put his words together.
"You make me smile and laugh a lot." He starts to ramble, letting any and everything fall from his mouth. "I think you're smart and powerful and beautiful. You're one of my best friends and I trust you with my life. I know I'm scared to lose you." He falters slightly, shifting his gaze to lock with the soft look in her deep purple eyes, and his heart swells. "You're patient with me, far more than I deserve. You're not afraid to slap me with reality no matter how harsh it is. I've never had prettier lips tell me how absolutely stupid I am. You understand me better than I understand myself sometimes. I can't imagine loving anyone else in this world but you, Raven."
Her expression softens completely as she sighs wistfully, bringing her arms up to cradle his cheeks between her hands. He melts into her touch, his hand coming up to hold hers against his face.
"I'm sorry." He tells her again.
She brushes her thumb over his cheekbone. "I believe you."
"Are you okay?" He asks softly.
She blinks and purses her lips. "I will be."
"Are we okay?" His heart pounds.
She stares deeply into his eyes for a moment before nodding. "I think we will be."
He pulls her closer, enveloping her completely in his body. She hums in content in his arms as she buries her face into the crook of his neck, wrapping her arms around his neck.
"I have a question." She says after a moment, her voice muffled by his skin.
He pulls back slightly to give her space and looks down at her face.
"What did you mean you were sorry about what you said last night?" Her brows twitch slightly.
His eyes roam her face and his head cocks in confusion. "What I said outside your room."
"Outside my room?" She mirrors his confusion.
"Did you not hear me knock on your door before I came to my room last night?" He asks.
"I wasn't in my room last night." She shakes her head.
"What? Where were you?" He scans his brain trying to think of where else she might have gone.
"I spent a good amount of time on the roof." She shrugs. "Or in a guest room. I love Starfire to death, but sometimes she has the emotional complexity of a shoe and I didn't have the energy to explain the woes of my love life."
"I'm sure she would have been thrilled you had one to begin with." His tone laced lightly with surprise.
"Her and me both." Raven says flatly.
Robin grins at her and she rolls her eyes, but her lips raise in the slightest amusement.
"I'm curious though, what did you say last night that you regret?" She asks.
"I don't think it was that bad." He flushes. "I said I was sorry and I wanted to talk. I got frustrated that your door was locked and you weren't responding so I called you a hypocrite for shutting me out." He looks away slightly.
She snickers against his chest. "I mean, you're kinda right. That wasn't my intention, I just needed space."
"What made you decide to come here?" His curiosity also peaks.
"I finally felt your mind relax." She admits. "And despite being hurt, I did still miss you."
He pulls her close again, nuzzling his face against her hair. "Thank you."
She hums in his arms, and the silence of the room is interrupted by the sound of a growl ripping through both their stomachs.
"Cy said you didn't eat." He mentioned softly.
She shrugs, burrowing back into his chest. "A broken heart can fill the stomach plenty."
"I'm sorry." He says again.
"It's okay. " She leans up to give a quick peck to his lips. "You're lucky I heal so quick."
He leans down kissing her lips again, more firmly. "I'm just lucky I have you."