Chapter 13: Echoes
On a late Tuesday morning, Usagi walked along a sidewalk on the university's polished campus. Trees with thick, deep green leaves towered over the modern-looking gray buildings. Students were scattered around the grounds, chatting with friends over open books. As she felt a light breeze against her cheek, she wished she could skip her meeting and spend the rest of the morning laid back in the grass, soaking up the warm sun. When her phone buzzed in her pocket, the thought of relaxing on the lawn quickly flitted away.
She unlocked her screen and read the message with a soft frown.
"I'm here to talk when you're ready."
She wasn't ready to confront that just yet, so without responding, she continued walking until she found the building she was looking for. Standing at the end of the walkway, she held a hand over her eyes to create shade and read the bold letters mounted above the door.
UNIVERSITY RESEARCH LAB
Just as she reached for the door's handle, her phone chimed with another notification.
"We can pretend it didn't happen if you want," the message said.
She quickly put the phone into her pocket and opened the door, feeling a blast of cool conditioned air on her face. The lobby of the research building was small and chilly, with gray tiled floor and plain walls. A large plant, sad and drooping, sat in the corner by the window. She frowned as she felt little bumps rising on her skin, and she wished that she had stayed outside instead. Seeing a head of brown hair poking out from behind a computer screen at the reception desk, Usagi walked up and gave the woman a friendly wave.
"Hi, I'm here to see Dr. Meiou," Usagi said.
"Is she expecting you?" The girl asked, her hand hovering over the phone's receiver.
"Yes. My name is Tsukino Usagi."
"Just a minute," the girl said quickly. She picked up the phone and had a curt conversation with the person on the other end.
"Go through the door, turn the corner, and Dr. Meiou will meet you at the end of the hallway," she said, pressing a button. The set of double doors unlocked with a loud click and then slowly opened, beckoning its guest to enter. As Usagi began her walk down the gray hallway, she felt nervous. Was it the questions that raced through her mind or was it the coldness of the building? She heard the unmistakable sound of fast-paced, clicking of heels coming from the opposite direction. She followed that sound and soon found herself face-to-face with a tall, beautiful woman in a lab coat. The woman had deep olive-toned skin, crimson-colored eyes, and dark green hair that shone vividly underneath the fluorescent lighting. Her hair was pinned neatly behind her head in a professional bun, and her family name was embroidered in crisp lettering above the pocket of her pristine white coat.
"Usagi-chan," the woman greeted warmly. "It's so nice to see you."
Usagi bowed slightly. "Thank you, Setsuna-san, for meeting with me."
"Don't be so formal, Usagi-chan. Come, let's go to my office."
Setsuna ushered the younger woman around the corner and into a small room with her name displayed on the door.
"Thank you for meeting me here. I was so happy to hear from you, but unfortunately this is really the only time I'll have this week," she said apologetically, sitting in a comfortable-looking chair behind the desk.
"That's okay. Thank you for making time for me," Usagi said, her eyes glancing around the small office. The white walls were bare with the exception of Setsuna's framed certificates and a large analog clock. Her desk contained several neat piles of folders and one small burgundy orchid, its healthy petals open in the sunlight that filtered through the small window. Usagi's eyes lingered on the collection of personal photos on the corner of the scientist's desk. There was a large photo of her, Michiru, and Haruka, smiling and dressed finely in tailored evening wear. Another photo - one that Usagi recognized from her own collection - was a four-year-old photo of the entire group of outer and inner senshi, including herself.
The last photo that she eyed seized her breath in her throat and sent a pang through her heart. The photo was of a young toddler with chubby cheeks, pale skin, short black hair, and vivid violet eyes that crinkled in the corners when she laughed. It shouldn't have hurt Usagi so much, but that beautiful photo of Hotaru reminded her so much of Chibiusa.
"What did you want to talk about?" Setsuna asked curiously. She wasn't used to the younger woman visiting her, certainly not at work.
"I want to talk about the future," Usagi answered firmly.
Just as she expected, Setsuna's eyes widened. She shook her head apologetically before she answered with, "I'm sorry, Princess, but you know there isn't much I can tell you."
"I just need to know, Setsuna-chan. The future that we saw when we defeated the Black Moon Clan. Is that the only future?"
Usagi's voice sounded more desperate to her ears than she meant. She kept her eyes on the older woman, watching as those crimson eyes studied her face carefully. Suddenly she wondered- did Setsuna know what she had done? Was the keeper of time privy to everything that happened, or was she just as lost as everyone else was? Suddenly, she was intrigued by the change in Setsuna's eyes. They were downcast now, her eyes unfocused as they welled with tears. Usagi watched in confusion as the scientist's tan skin took on a sickly pallor and tears began to fall from her eyes.
"What's wrong?" Usagi asked hesitantly.
"Princess," she whispered solemnly. "I made a grave mistake. I must beg your forgiveness."
"What do you mean? I think I'm the one who did something wrong."
"No, Princess," she bowed her head and brought a hand to her face, hiding it in shame. "I was so selfish, Usagi-chan. I thought that if I turned a blind eye and allowed the King and Queen of that timeline to defy the rules, then that future could be set in stone."
Those words made her feel sick. With a shaky voice, she asked, "What do you mean?"
"It was my duty to watch and protect time. I was not supposed to interfere or be a part of it. That attachment is what has gotten us all into this predicament. The future is ever-changing, Princess. The way it looks today might not be what it looks like tomorrow, but I thought that maybe that future could be written in stone." With a sob, she spat, "I was so naive and selfish, and now we are all suffering the consequences of my disobedience."
Usagi was unable to say anything. All she could do was watch Setsuna as she cried, gripping the desk before her so hard that her knuckles grew pale. She thought of how this woman usually seemed so strong and confident, sometimes to the point of feeling callous. Seeing her cry made her feel uncomfortable. It scared her. Her stomach tied itself in knots as she waited for the woman to continue.
Finally, Setsuna looked up with anguished eyes and whispered with a heavy voice that cracked in her throat, "The future looked that way because that's where you all were in your lives at that time. You were a beautiful, childish, idealistic little girl who pictured the perfect future because she hadn't grown up yet."
"No," Usagi gasped, feeling the tears stinging at the back of her own eyes. She held a hand to her chest, as if it would help to calm her rapidly beating heart. "What are you saying?"
"I'm saying that the 30th century that you saw was based on the fantasy of a fourteen-year-old girl."
"But you were there," Usagi replied weakly.
"Yes, I was, but as someone detached from time. I have been in many places within many timelines."
"And what about Chibiusa?" The tears ran freely now, the fat droplets plopping onto her chest and soaking into the material of her shirt.
"Chibiusa was an echo," she began quietly. "She was the echo of your happiness in the present placed into a future that could have changed at any time. Letting her come back here was wrong, and not just because it was taboo." She paused, a pained look on her face. Perhaps she was remembering the words that Queen Serenity had told her centuries ago. "It was cruel to you and to Mamoru-san to let her stay here."
Usagi tried her best to process what she was being told. So many thoughts raced in her mind at once: memories, questions, insults. She took in a big gulp of breath and pressed her hand to her lips, praying she wouldn't vomit in her friend's tidy office. She couldn't remember the last time she felt so much grief in her body. With a sob, she choked out, "So Chibiusa wasn't even real?"
"Oh, no," Setsuna said as she stood suddenly and hurried to the other side of the desk. She dropped down onto her knees beside the younger woman and took her smaller hands into her own, gripping them desperately.
"She was as real as you or I, Princess. I know it's hard to understand. Time is so complicated, but please know that I loved Small Lady so much. I thought I was doing the right thing. Please believe me," she begged with a bowed head.
With closed eyes, Usagi wished that someone else was there to help her get through that horrible conversation. Maybe Makoto could offer encouraging words or Ami could break things down for her in a way that she would understand. Seiya could hold her and help her see that everything would be okay. She clenched her jaw and exhaled through her nose. It was just her and Setsuna here. She would have to be her own strength. She looked down at her hands, held tightly by Setsuna, and searched within herself to find the understanding and empathetic princess that she knew she should be.
Unfortunately, she couldn't find her.
The more that Usagi reflected on Setsuna's words, the more she found that she was pestered by her groveling. If she was so sorry, why hadn't she explained this all before? She roughly yanked her hands from the woman's grip and rested them on her belly, feeling where she had hoped Chibiusa would grow someday.
"I wish you hadn't shown her to me," Usagi muttered through gritted teeth, her cheeks wet with tears. "You only made it so that you could take her away."
Though crying freely, Setsuna laid a hand on Usagi's arm in an attempt to console her. The touch was like a hot iron, and Usagi was quick to push her away. "Don't touch me," she warned, her narrowed cerulean eyes glaring at the older woman like a weapon.
"Princess, I'm sorry," she wept.
When Usagi stood up, the quickness of it made her feel dizzy, but she pressed on. The thought of her daughter's round cheeks and happy scarlet eyes made her feel like there was a weight on her chest. She couldn't catch her breath. Her grief was interrupted by the image of a man, with long blue-black hair and sultry eyes. She imagined the softness of his lips and the feel of his hand on the small of her back, and could not help the guilt-ridden sob that escaped her.
Had she ruined the future with that kiss?
"This is all my fault, isn't it?"
Setsuna's glossed lips were parted for a moment, as if she had words to say but wasn't sure if she should say them. With a delicate voice, she explained, "Chibiusa has been gone for a very long time. She had changed so many times since we first met her. Some of them were little changes that maybe one wouldn't notice at first, but as this timeline progressed, the girl that we knew faded away." Her voice wavered, but she took a quick pause to steady herself. "Those are natural consequences of the present catching up with the future, and there isn't anyone to blame for that. You and Mamoru-san were so busy fighting battles that you didn't have time to reflect on your lives or grow up. Now that you have, things are different. That is the burden of seeing into the future."
Usagi considered those words quietly. She remembered a time where the thought of being a queen was exciting, and how her only dream was to marry Mamoru and live happily ever after. 'When did that dream change?' She wondered. 'Had it changed for Mamo too?' Suddenly, she thought back to months ago, when Makoto couldn't remember Chibiusa.
With fear in her eyes, Usagi looked up for the first time in awhile and said softly, "I think people are forgetting her."
"Yes, Usagi-chan. They are."
"But I'm not? I don't think Mamoru is either."
"Time is funny in that way. Chibiusa's life was not linear. We remember her in the present, but as time goes by, we'll forget where she came from or why she was with us. But I don't think you will. You're trying so hard to hold on to her memory - I can see that. You and Mamoru-san think of her every day. You think of her with every choice you make, and that is a cross that I have forced you two to bear."
"So... we remember her better because we think of her more?"
"It's not all black and white, but yes."
"Do you think it would be harmful to tell everyone what's happening? To make them remember?"
Setsuna shook her head slowly. "We have to stop manipulating time to suit our needs, Princess. We must let Chronos do what he believes is right. Time is sorting itself out right now and we have a responsibility to let that happen."
She thought that she was over the tears, but they began to fall again, her voice begging for the pink-haired girl that she missed so much. "Chibiusa-chan," she cried out. She crumpled down onto the chair again, too tired to stand any longer, and wept into her hands. This time she didn't fight Setsuna's touch, and allowed the woman to place a trembling hand on her back.
"Pluto, is Crystal Tokyo gone?"
Setsuna's eyes, puffed and smudged with black mascara, were pleading as they looked into Usagi's. "You know I can't answer that."
Usagi was suddenly reminded of how irritated she had been with her just a moment ago. With a glare and a bitterness she didn't know she had in her, she spat, "I know that you can. Why do you get to pick and choose which rules to break and which to follow? You're telling me that Chibiusa is gone, so why can't you tell me if Crystal Tokyo is too? You're not the one who guards the gate anymore, so why does it matter to you now?"
Setsuna looked at the young princess with widened eyes. The princess had never spoken badly of her choices to defy the rules of time until now. Usagi had never seen the point. She knew that the guardian had done what she thought was right and had died for it. But now, as Usagi looked at the woman who had answers that could change the direction of her life, she didn't care that Sailor Pluto had already been punished and this Setsuna had not done anything wrong.
"Princess, I-"
"Don't make me live my life for a future that doesn't exist! I know you have the answer, so please, help me."
There was a tense silence between them. Usagi bit at her lower lip, waiting anxiously for the woman to give her an answer. She decided then that she wouldn't leave until she had one. After a long, contemplative gaze, Setsuna began to speak.
"I think that one way or another, Crystal Tokyo will come to be. I've seen it in many timelines. However, it may not look the way we thought it would."
Usagi closed her eyes as she considered this diplomatic answer. She thought knowing the answer to that question would help her understand how to get to Crystal Tokyo, but she felt just as confused as she did before. At least I know it will happen, she thought to herself. It scared her to say it out loud, but she asked, "Does it happen soon?"
"That I certainly can't tell you, Usagi-chan." She closed her eyes briefly. "It's blocked from my vision," she explained. "The version of me who is keeping time must be blurring major events so that I cannot interfere. I'm sorry, Princess, but I cannot see it."
With a perturbed look on her face, Usagi looked down. She pictured the future queen, her face calm and serene with a crescent moon marked prominently onto her forehead. She didn't want to admit it, but Usagi looked to be nearly the same age that Neo-Queen Serenity was when she saw her.
"You're scared, aren't you, Usagi-chan?"
Usagi nodded slowly, unable to stop the tears from pooling in her eyes.
"I'm so scared that I've ruined everything," she whispered.
"And that, my princess, is entirely my fault," Setsuna said with a firmness. "You weren't supposed to see the future. You can't manipulate time to get the future you want," she said. At Usagi's sullen look, she lowered her voice and gently asked, "But it's not what you want, is it?"
"No," she answered honestly, too tired to fight any more. "But I know it's what's right. I can be that perfect queen! Mamo-chan and I can create a utopian society together."
"Usagi-chan," Setsuna breathed out the young girl's name with a sad, sympathetic sigh. "Perfection does not exist. Utopian societies don't either. I'm really sorry that I made you think that they did."
Usagi tried her best to be upset with Sailor Pluto, but she found that she couldn't. Her desire to scream or call the guardian names was overwhelmed by her need to be comforted. All she wanted at that moment was to be held.
She couldn't bring herself to ask her last question. She closed her eyes and pictured herself hand-in-hand with a man in a lavender suit, and she wondered if King Endymion and Neo-Queen Serenity ruled those versions of Crystal Tokyo together. Instead, she asked in a small, almost child-like voice, "Would you forgive me if Crystal Tokyo never happened?"
In a moment of tenderness that Usagi never had from Setsuna, but that she wished she could repeat over and over again, the older woman placed a chaste kiss on Usagi's forehead.
"I would, Princess. And can you forgive me?"
"You were just doing what you thought was right," Usagi whispered. "It's what we're always trying to do, isn't it?"
"It truly is. But Usagi-chan, I need you to stop worrying about doing the right thing. You were reborn here to live a life with happiness," she said with a soft smile. "It's time for you to live in the present."
"I don't know how to do that when everyone is counting on me to save the earth and build an entire kingdom that doesn't exist yet."
"You'll know what to do when the time comes. You always do. Your heart and the silver crystal will guide you, I am sure of that."
The two women spent some time in silence, both considering the great burden that time travel had placed on them. Guilt nagged at Usagi's mind, but Setsuna's comforting words helped to calm it.
"I know that you have a busy day, I'll get out of your way," Usagi said quietly. Setsuna gave a nod and sat herself down into her chair, her eyes looking distant and distracted. Looking at Setsuna's face streaked with black-tinted tears, Usagi felt pity for her. It must feel awful to have caused so much anguish. And she loved Chibiusa too, she thought. She must also be hurting.
She paused in the doorway and said, "I hate what you did, Setsuna-chan, but I probably would have done the same thing."
Usagi looked at the picture of Hotaru, smiling and happy in her adoptive mother's arms. It pained her to think that she would never have a picture of Chibiusa like that. She'd never take her to the park again or pack her a bento for school. She wouldn't feel her growing in her belly, fluttering and kicking to remind her mother that she would soon be coming into the world.
"Chibiusa-chan is so special," she spoke softly as a tear traveled down her cheek. "I would have broken the rules for her too."
As she carried a new set of anxieties down the cold hallway, Usagi felt a mess of feelings within her. The grief she felt for her child threatened to overwhelm her, but there was something there - deep in her heart - that kept her from drowning in it. Chibiusa was gone...
...but for the first time since she was fourteen, Usagi felt like she was in charge of creating her own future.