Hi all! I wanted to say thank you so much for the reviews, favorites, and follows. I have been dragging my feet on editing and posting this chapter, but your kind reviews were the motivation I needed! I've edited this so many times, but I think I need to just go for it.

Thank you all for reading! xo Amethyst

CHAPTER 17: Secrets Don't Make Friends

Usagi groaned miserably as she felt herself getting closer to the waking world. She tried to keep her eyes closed and cling to the dream that was already slipping away from her, but her body refused to ignore the uncomfortable dryness of her mouth or the headache that throbbed against her temple any longer.

"I didn't even drink that much," she croaked out against her pillow. She blindly reached behind her with stretched fingers, attempting to grab the blanket that must have slipped off of her in the night, but found herself growing increasingly annoyed when she couldn't feel anything.

It was then that she realized with a grunt and a bit of shame that she was still dressed in her cocktail dress from the night before and that she had fallen asleep on top of the blankets.

"This is so pathetic," she grumbled. She caught the flash of her phone's screen lighting up and with pouting lips, she reached out to grab it. As the events of last night came back to her, she wasn't surprised at the amount of unread messages that waited for her in her inbox. She scrolled through the notifications quickly, and though the messages were predictable, she still felt guilt building in her chest.

aww im srorry youre sick babe please be safe! Thanks u for coming, i luuuuuuv u! -Minako

If you told me you weren't feeling well I would have given you a ride. Please be safe and call me when you get home. -Ami

She snorted at Michiru's text that read, That didn't go the way that I planned. Let's get together and talk. Usagi didn't feel guilty about that one.

As expected, Rei was much more persistent with her messages.

22:32: Why didn't you tell us you were feeling sick? We would have made sure you got home OK. Where are you right now?

22:37: How are you getting home?

22:48: ?

22:49: Are you with Seiya?

23:00: Did you make it home?

23:45: I tried calling. Please answer. I'm worried.

00:30: I'm guessing you fell asleep... Call me tomorrow please

The lines of Usagi's frown deepened when she noticed a group text from Rei.

MANDATORY senshi meeting at noon. I don't care what you have going on. CANCEL IT.

She furrowed her brows as she thought back to the argument between Seiya and Haruka in the VIP room. That's right, Rei did say that they would have a meeting tomorrow to clear the air...

But Usagi didn't think she was actually serious about that.

Usagi released a loud, frustrated sigh before she tossed her phone to the other side of the bed. She knew she should go. She knew she had to. Undoubtedly they wanted to hear everything that she knew about Seiya's presence on Earth, but…

She bit her lip as his sad, dark blue eyes flashed across her mind. She peeled off the lace dress, eyeing the way the tight sleeves of the garment had created deep, red lines into her skin before tossing it onto the floor. She wished that she could shed the memories of her fight with Seiya just like she'd shed the dress, but the look on his face and the words on his lips were etched into her brain.

She lifted her blanket and crawled underneath, not batting an eye when her phone tumbled onto the floor and landed with a thud onto the carpet.

"Stop wallowing in your fucking self-pity and take control of your goddamn life!"

The tears were immediate. How could he say something like that to her?

"It's okay to grow up and not want the same things you wanted when you were a kid."

How could that be okay when the fate of the planet rested on her shoulders? She knew that he understood the weight of duty. Why didn't he understand this?

I can love you.

I know I can be enough.

I love you.

Usagi sought the comfort of her fluffy pillow as she began to sob. The fabric soaked in her tears and muffled her loud, crackling cries as she let out her feelings, her worries, and her energy. She ignored the discomfort of the dampness against her cheek, weeping until her lips were dry and her eyes were tender. She didn't know how long she stayed that way, but eventually, she drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

Bang Bang Bang!

The sound of a fist banging on the front door had Usagi shooting up in bed, one blonde bun unraveled completely and the other drooping from her head.

Bang Bang Bang!

"Calm down, I'm coming!" She shouted as she quickly stood on shaky legs and slipped on a plain robe, wiping sleep from her eyes and drool from her cheek. The banging continued as her bare feet padded across the carpeted floor of her apartment. When she peeked through the peep hole, she couldn't help the frustrated sigh or the roll of her eyes.

"What?" She asked through the door.

"It's four-o-freaking-clock!" Rei answered with a scowling, reddened face. "We waited for you and we tried calling you! What the hell, Usagi? You owe me an explanation!"

Blowing a resigned sigh through her lips, Usagi unlatched the locks and opened the door just enough to poke her head into the hallway.

"I told you last night that I wasn't feeling well, Rei. I'm sorry I missed your meeting, but can we do this another time?"

"It wasn't my meeting," she countered. Her violet eyes looked up and down Usagi's body, from the sloppily tied robe to the mascara that ran down her face. "You do look like crap though. What happened?"

Her eyes felt so dry that she didn't think it was possible, but at the thought of her argument with Seiya, she felt the familiar prickling of tears. "I don't think I can talk about it," she choked out, bringing her hands up to cover her face. She hated to cry like this in front of Rei. The shrine maiden was always so strong and composed, and sometimes it made Usagi feel weak in comparison.

The hostility on Rei's face quickly melted away as she stepped forward and guided her crying friend away from the door. Usagi kept her face hidden, but she could hear the soft clicks of the door being closed and the lock being turned. Moments later, she could feel arms around her, embracing her with warmth and the soft smell of jasmine.

"Rei-chan," she cried out, her shoulders shaking as she leaned into her friend's comforting embrace.

"Usagi-chan?" Rei asked gently, though Usagi could hear the fear that trembled in her voice. "You're scaring me. Did something happen to you last night? Is that why you left?"

Her voice was apprehensive, as is she were afraid of the answer that Usagi would give.

"No. God, no, Rei, nothing that dramatic," she mumbled, pulling away so that she could plop her tired body onto the sofa.

"I noticed that Seiya left early too," Rei said evenly.

"I saw him leaving and I made him give me a ride home," she said, wiping the tears from her cheeks. "It wasn't planned... and I didn't go home with him."

"I see." Rei looked down at her bare knees with pursed lips and a thoughtful look in her eye.

"I know that look," Usagi mumbled. When she was met with silence, the blonde sighed with frustration. "Just say what you want to say, Rei."

"At the meeting that you ditched," Rei began, ignoring her friend's annoyed huff, "Haruka said that Seiya told her that we are forcing you to be in a relationship with Mamoru."

Usagi felt as if a weight had been dropped onto her chest. The force of it knocked the wind out of her, and it took a moment of wide-eyed panic before she realized that she forgot to breathe. She felt as if Seiya had misconstrued a dark secret and shared it with the world. She felt exposed.

"H-he said that? He shouldn't have-"

"I'm not done, Usagi. Last night… You two were gone for a really long time and I saw the lipstick on his jacket. I don't think anyone else noticed and I didn't want to say anything, but-"

Usagi's body tensed as she considered this. Had they been obvious? She gave Rei a hard glance and told her quickly, "Then don't say anything. Just stay out of it."

"How am I supposed to stay out of it? This isn't you, Usagi. I don't know what's gotten into you, but you need to figure it out. You're jeopardizing the fate of our entire solar system for your selfishness," she chided, annoyance and disappointment seeping into her words.

"My selfishness?"

"Yes! Whatever is going on with you and Seiya is selfish and wrong, Usagi. You need to end it now. Besides, it's so cruel to lead him on this way. You know he's in love with you."

"Shut up, Rei!" Usagi snapped.

"No, I won't! The Usagi I know is in love with Mamoru and would never-"

"Well, maybe you don't know me that well anymore! Maybe that Usagi is gone. I've changed."

"Because you're letting Seiya change you!"

"Are you serious? Do you really think everything was okay until Seiya arrived? Everything's been so… so…" She pinched her face as she thought of the right word to use, and maybe she was a little influenced by Seiya, because all she could finish with was, "...fucked up for a long time!"

Rei's eyes widened in shock. Tsukino Usagi did not curse.

Her feelings were bubbling to the surface and escaping faster than she could catch them.

"I'm sick of everyone blaming Seiya for making things worse when all he's done is make things better. And I'm just so tired-so tired Rei, you have no idea-of everyone telling me what to do and then pretending like it's for my own good."

"...what are you saying, Usagi? This isn't you."

"It is me! I'm saying that maybe what Seiya said was right! You guys don't care about what I want or how I feel about any of this!" Somehow she felt nauseous, anxious, and relieved all at once? The relief was short-lived, however. Taking in the stillness of Rei's body and the wide, tearful gaze she held made Usagi feel sick.

"How could you say something like that?" Rei asked in a whisper. "Of course we care about you. We love you so much, we would never do anything to hurt you."

"But I don't want this anymore, Rei! I don't want this and I need you to be okay with that!" The blonde cried out, the tears streaming freely down soft cheeks. "I'm not… I'm not her, I'm not that Serenity! Why can't I just be me? Why can't Usagi be enough?"

"I hear you, Usagi-chan, I really do. You're getting closer to getting married and you're getting cold feet, that's all. You can't throw your whole future away over some little infatuation. Your feelings for Seiya will pass," Rei said, her hand resting over Usagi's as she spoke in a soft, placating voice.

However, Rei's attempt to soothe her felt condescending and dismissive. She felt belittled, like a child crying over lost candy. With a heat exploding in her chest and a deep hurt shining in her blue eyes, she pulled her hand from Rei's grasp and held it to her chest.

"Do you really think so little of me? Do you really think I'd destroy the perfect future for a crush? This isn't about Seiya. It never was! I've been feeling this way since way before that incense burner ever showed up here. Mamoru and I haven't been okay for a long time, and Seiya isn't... what I feel for him isn't just an 'infatuation', Rei."

"Maybe it doesn't feel like it now, but you and Mamoru can make it through this. You hit a rough patch and you have to work through it. I know you can do it. Do it for Crystal Tokyo, Usagi-chan."

Usagi stood up quickly, anger buzzing throughout her body as she looked down at her friend with frustrated blue eyes. "Are you even listening to me?! I don't want to do it for Crystal Tokyo! Everything has changed already, Rei! That Crystal Tokyo doesn't even exist anymore! It's all pointless. Game over! Why should I keep pretending-"

"Wait, wait," Rei interrupted quickly, waving her hands in a signal for Usagi to stop. "What do you mean it doesn't exist anymore? You're not making sense!"

Usagi swallowed heavily, pushing down the anxiety that begged her to just stop talking, and the bile that threatened to rise from her stomach. The panic in Rei's voice was unsettling.

"The Crystal Tokyo that we saw was a fantasy, Rei. We've all been trying to make everything happen the way we saw it as if it was set in stone, but it's not. It never was."

"How do you know that?" Rei asked, her voice trembling, eyes sharp and focused.

"Sailor Pluto told me," she admitted gently, seeing how affected her friend was. After all, she had time to process this. This was new information for Rei. She took a deep breath and sat down.

"I don't know what you remember about Crystal Tokyo, Rei… but what we saw and experienced... it was all an echo. A representation of where our feelings were when we were fourteen. Fourteen, Rei. Just think about how many experiences we've had since we were that young! I have felt so much change inside of me…" She paused, her voice choking a bit as she thought about faces that haunted her at night. Galaxia in her golden armor. A woman with silver feline eyes trapped within a mirror. She shook those villains away and put them back into their compartment.

"But Rei, even if it was set in stone, I'm still my own person. I have my own hopes and dreams."

"I thought Mamoru was your hope and your dream," Rei said, confusion in her watery eyes.

"He was," Usagi whispered, her voice cracking. "He really was, Rei, but what I wanted when I was fourteen isn't what I want now. You're so worried about me losing this 'perfect' life, but what was perfect about it? Mamo and I were together because we were expected to be. We were together because of the feelings of people who died a thousand years ago. We hated each other before we knew that! And even now… we have so much love for each other, but we're so disconnected." She wiped the tears away with the bottom of her palm.

"The only thing we've ever really had in common is Endymion and Serenity," she finished in a whisper.

There was silence between them as Rei's eyes focused on the ground before her. Usagi could tell from the way her violet orbs darted back and forth that she was mulling over everything she had said.

"This is so overwhelming," Rei confessed before finally looking up. "I don't know what all of this means for us… but, whatever you decide to do, Mamoru doesn't deserve to be betrayed."

"You're right, Rei," she said softly. "He doesn't deserve that. I wish I could take it all back and do it differently, but what's done is done."

Rei cocked her head and raised her eyebrows with surprise, and Usagi realized that she had just confirmed what she probably suspected but didn't want to ask.

"Nothing I can say or do will justify what I've done, Rei," she said, looking the raven-haired woman in the eye. "But I know that this not what I want and I really don't think it's what he wants either. We weren't supposed to know the future or interact with people from it, but we did because of several lapses in judgement that were never supposed to happen. Do you think the world would crash and burn if the rules hadn't been bent for us and we ended up having to figure this all out on our own? Did Neo-Queen Serenity and King Endymion have a guide or did things just happen they way they were supposed to for them?"

When Rei didn't answer, Usagi sighed heavily. "I had this dream the other night. It was in Crystal Tokyo. As usual, Mamo-chan looked so handsome in that ridiculous lavender suit, and he was rocking Chibiusa-chan in his arms."

"Chibiusa?" Rei interjected curiously. "Is that the girl who came here? How do you know she was your daughter?"

Usagi ignored the pain of Rei's innocent question and continued, "I was there too, but I wasn't sitting with them. I wasn't rocking her or singing to her. I was trapped in this large crystal, just watching everything happen. It wasn't like when we went to Crystal Tokyo. I wasn't asleep. I was awake and just watching the world go by. People would talk to me and I could talk back, but I couldn't move. I can't let that be my future, Rei-chan. I didn't really think I could be more than that until Seiya showed up. He makes me feel like I don't have to change into someone else. I feel like I can just grow up and be the person I am inside of me. Sometimes it's hard, because I'm so used to hiding all the things that hurt me and pretending like everything is okay. Seiya makes me confront myself all the time and I hate it so freaking much, but I love it too because here I am dealing with these things that I thought would break me, and when I'm with him I know I'm not dealing with them alone."

"You were never alone, Usagi-chan. You just never gave us the chance to understand," Rei spoke, the bitterness in her voice tugging at Usagi's heart.

"I know I hurt you by shutting you all out, and I'm so sorry for that. I just wasn't ready, Rei-chan."

"And Mamoru? Couldn't you give him the chance to understand too?"

Usagi sighed. "It's not just about Chaos and Galaxia, even though I know it looks that way. Yes, Seiya was with me at the end of the world, but Mamoru has been too, so many times. I don't know how to explain it to you Rei, but I connect with Seiya in a way that Mamoru and I never could."

"But you and Mamoru love each other," Rei choked out through tears.

"We do," Usagi said gently, surprised when felt a lump in her throat and new tears stinging her eyes. "But I've always felt like I was this little kid pretending to be more grown up so that the handsome prince would stay in love with me. And even though he thinks I couldn't tell, I could feel that sometimes he was annoyed waiting on me to grow up. And when I finally did, it just wasn't what he imagined. He was expecting an elegant queen, and here I am-a damaged, lonely person because of what I went through."

"You're not damaged, Usagi-chan," Rei whispered gently.

"No, Rei, I am, but it's okay. I won't be that way forever." She smiled sadly as she looked down into her lap, her hands clutching at her soft robe. "Do you want to know what really happened last night?"

Rei's eyebrows rose in surprise, and Usagi could tell that even though she had spilled the deepest and darkest of her feelings today, her best friend still had not expected her to fully let her in.

"I got into Seiya's car to confront him about what he said to Haruka, and we ended up having this huge argument. He really cut me deep with what he said... not because he was mean, but because he was right. He said that I have to change the things that I can change and that I have to accept the things I can't. I never feel like he's trying to fix me, but he gives me the courage to want to fix myself. He makes me feel like I don't have to wait for Serenity to take over for everything to be okay. "

"You talk about Serenity like she's a parasite."

"She's not," Usagi answered softly. "I just realized that I'm not ready to give up being me yet. I don't think I'll ever be ready for that. The way things were going it felt like I had to get rid of Usagi to become Serenity, but I want to figure out how to be both."

Rei gave a short mumur before she closed her eyes, her body tense and still as she seemed to think over what her friend had said.

"Usagi-chan," She began, her voice uncharacteristically timid, "I'm going to ask you something and I need you to tell me the truth."

She took Usagi's silence as a cue to continue.

"Do you love him?"

Usagi surprised herself with how quickly she managed to answer that very intimidating question.

"Yes, Rei-chan," she said, her voice steady and confident. "I do."

Rei pursed her lips together tightly, her eyes locked on Usagi's in a deep, intense gaze. Finally, she asked, "So what will you do now?"

Usagi paused to take in a deep breath, letting out a sigh that was thick with stress. "I uhh, I really don't know, Rei-chan. I have to talk to Mamoru. After that, I just don't know."

"Do you..." Rei trailed off for moment, her bottom lip between her teeth and she gave a thoughtful look. She seemed to be second-guessing what she wanted to ask, but decided to go through with it. "Do you need me to be there when you do it?"

"No, Rei, I couldn't ask you that. I know he's your friend too, and I... this is something I have to do on my own. I can't hide behind anyone. I just have to face it."

"Usagi-chan, I hope you know that not everything you said is true. We all want the best for you. Up until now, I thought that was Mamoru. We never would have encouraged this if we didn't think that you two loved each other. Crystal Tokyo still seems like it would be best for everyone. Can you imagine a world where there's no darkness or crime? I thought you and Mamoru were the key to creating that perfect world. I didn't mean to be so hard on you, I just thought," she paused, her eyes brimming with tears, "I thought I was being a good guardian. You're so kind, Usagi-chan, and you have a very special innocence about you. I didn't want Seiya to take advantage of that."

"Rei, he's never taken advantage of my kindness," Usagi said softly. "He's always been a good friend to me."

"I know. I should have had more faith in you. We all should have." With a heavy sigh, Rei took Usagi's hand in her own and gave it a squeeze. "I know that you'll do the best for this planet, no matter who is by your side. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like couldn't do your duty without Mamoru."

"I don't know how it all works now," the blonde said weakly. "Earth is his planet."

"It is, and that's okay. We'll figure it out."

Usagi found herself clenching Rei's hand nervously, her jaw tight as she really thought about what this meant for the Moon Kingdom. How could Crystal Tokyo exist if she and Mamoru did not bring their kingdoms together? But...

"Rei-chan? I want you to know that no matter what happens, I'll do everything I can to protect this world. Pluto wasn't able to tell me anything specific, but I truly think that a version of Crystal Tokyo will exist. Everyone remembers it, and that's a good sign. Everything might be okay."

Rei flashed a smile through her tears that warmed Usagi from the inside out.

"As long as you're around, Usagi-chan, I know things will turn out the way they're supposed to. I know you'll protect us."

Without much thought, Usagi had her arms wrapped in a tight hug around Rei's small, toned shoulders. She turned to murmur into her silky black hair, "Thank you, Rei-chan. I don't think I could do any of this without you."

"You could," Rei answered, "but I would never let you. You're my best friend and I'll always be here for you."

The two sat in silence for some time, finding comfort in each other's warmth. When Usagi closed her eyes and breathed in the soft floral scent of Rei's perfume, she thought the image of the Crystal Palace she had visited so many years ago looked blurrier than she remembered.