A/N: Hello, everyone! Thank you to all the new readers to have subscribed and to everyone who has reviewed! Your kindness makes my day every time. I just want to assure you that I haven't abandoned this story. I have been incredibly busy and have been struggling to find the time to sit down and do things I enjoy, like writing. Also, a lot of editing happened in the last chapter that threw off my idea of what I thought this one would look like. Thank you for reading! :)

Chapter 18: The Worst Day Ever

Amongst the bustling of the busy train, Usagi stood silent with her weary eyes trained on a safety poster she'd read a million times. Her body was headed to the bakery to pick up a cake for tonight's family dinner, but her mind was somewhere far away. When the memory of the conversation she'd had almost two weeks ago with Mamoru threatened to bring her to tears, she squeezed her eyes shut as tightly as she could and took three deep breaths. She refused to cry here.

"I did something horrible, Mamoru," she said with a soft, trembling voice. It felt wrong for her to use the loving nickname she had for him, and sure enough, he noticed.

It was the unexpected feel of a man's broad shoulder bumping her back that brought her from her thoughts. She clenched her hand around the metal railing, hoping the coolness beneath her fingers would ground her. It didn't help.

Seiya's name was the only word that Mamoru spoke. The calmness of his voice sent a shiver down Usagi's spine.

"Don't cry," she murmured to herself. "Don't cry."

"Did you sleep with him?"

Usagi's first instinct was to lie. For a moment, she wondered if she could twist the truth and move on as if nothing major happened. Did Mamoru have to know everything that happened between her and Seiya?

Yes, she decided. He did. Besides, the guilt in her eyes already told him everything that he wanted to know.

"So all this time that you've been telling me you're just friends-"

Her explanation that she truly thought they were just friends infuriated Mamoru.

"Oh!" With a panicked gasp, the blonde realized that the loud dinging was indicating that the doors were about to close on her stop. She quickly pushed past another woman, yelling a quick "Sorry!" behind her as she lept through the sliding doors. She found that once she started running that she couldn't stop. As the memories flooded her with vivid images and feelings of crippling guilt, she knew she had to find a place where she could be alone. Ducking into an alleyway, she threw her hands over her face and began to sob.

"I never thought you could be so selfish," he said, his jaw clenched tightly. "I've waited for you to grow up a little bit. I've tried to be there through whatever the hell has been going on with you for the past two years. Do you think you're the only one who feels stuck sometimes? This life has been a burden on the both of us, but I would never do what you did!"

She tried her best to keep it in, but she couldn't stop herself from crying through his rant.

"I deal with it because it's what we have to do. It's what we were born to do. I've never known you to be so weak, Usagi."

"I'm so sorry-"

"How could you do this to me? To Chibiusa?"

She had hoped he was finished, but he wasn't.

"Are you in love with him?"

She couldn't answer. Her words felt too thick and dry, like cotton balls stuck at the bottom of her throat. All she could do was bow her head before a weak "I'm so sorry" crackled out.

"I don't want your apology, Usagi." The sound of tears staining his voice caused a pain in her chest that she hadn't felt before. "I need to go before I say something else I'll regret."

And with that, he was gone

The ringing of her phone pulled her back to the present. She quickly dug it out of her pocket and brought it to her ear, furiously wiping her face with the sleeve of her sweatshirt.

"Usagi-chan," began her mother's melodic voice. "I thought I had more ginger than I do. Will you pick up some when you get the cake?"

"Um," she sniffed into the phone, "Yes, mama. I'm going right now."

"Are you okay, Usagi-chan? You sound congested."

"Just a little. I'm sure I'll be fine soon."

"Well, grab extra ginger and I'll make you some tea."

As she stood in line at the grocery store with a basket of ginger root hanging from her arm, she blew a bored sigh and picked up a glossy gossip magazine from the metal rack.

Usagi opened it to find a feature titled 'Celebrity Stars-They're Just Like Us!'. Among the pictures of celebrities casually exiting supermarkets without makeup was one of her and Seiya coming out of an ice cream shop with matching waffle cones. She cringed at the caption. Kou Seiya of The Three Lights enjoys a frozen treat with his girlfriend in Harajuku.

Suddenly realizing how obvious their closeness looked to the world, she felt another pang of guilt in her stomach. Had Mamoru seen this? Were there other pictures like this? She swallowed the lump in her throat and neatly put the magazine back onto the rack, instead choosing to count the tiles on the floor until it was her turn at the till.

Making her way to her mom's favorite bakery to pick up one of their beautifully frosted cakes, she paused to look up at a larger-than-life billboard of Seiya that towered over the busy street, his seductive eyes focused on hers. His tight black outfit showed off his athletic figure, and the characters printed onto the advertisement boasted the release date of his unfinished album.

"Stop staring at me," she muttered with a scowl. She continued on her way to the bakery, her feet moving a little faster than before.

Standing in line to pick up the cake her mom ordered, she busied herself by studying the back of the young girl in front of her. The girl's fuchsia-colored hair and wrists cluttered with plastic jewelry fascinated her, but Usagi couldn't stop herself from releasing an annoyed groan when she spotted what the girl kept inside her transparent backpack. There on the cover of a magazine was Kou Seiya, smirking at Usagi through the iridescent plastic.

"Are you freaking kidding me?" Usagi huffed out. The fuchsia-haired girl looked over her shoulder with a raised eyebrow before taking a cautious step away from the exasperated blonde.

Usagi was incredibly pleased to make it to her parent's home without seeing another photo of Seiya (though that could be because she watched the ground the entire time), but to her dismay, the biggest blow of the day came from her mother.

"I'm home!" Usagi called loudly as she closed the front door behind her.

"Why don't you put everything down and come have a cup of tea," Ikuko said with a gentle smile, watching her daughter from the kitchen table. "This should help until I can boil that ginger for you."

Obediently, Usagi nodded as she gently set the cake onto the kitchen counter and then dropped the bag of spicy roots down beside it.

Ikuko's eyes lit up suddenly and she stood up saying, "I just remembered, Usagi-chan! I found something of yours while I was cleaning the attic."

"Oh?"

The older woman disappeared for a moment and then came back with a small pink shoebox in her slim hands.

"I found this," she said as she set the box down on the table. "It must have gotten mixed up in our stuff when you were moving out."

Against her better judgment, Usagi removed the lid and reached inside. Of course, she spat in her mind. At the top of the stack of glossy photos was one of her, Seiya, and Minako, wearing their navy blue high school uniforms and making silly faces.

"You must be really happy that Seiya is back," Ikuko murmured with a smile. "He is such a nice boy."

"Yeah, he's great," she answered absently, tossing the photos back into the box and quickly shutting the lid. "I'll go through these when I get home. Thanks, mom."

"Can I ask about something?" Ikuko asked. The light blush on her mother's cheeks made Usagi feel nervous. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. I didn't mean to go through your things. I found these pictures and it made me think of how much I missed your sweet smile at home."

"It's fine, mom."

Ikuko opened the box and picked up a stack, flipping through until she found what she was looking for. Usagi's breath hitched in her throat and her stomach jumped. She felt like she was falling.

This had to be a joke. A very cruel joke.

Her mother gently set two photos on the table. One was of her, Ami, Minako, Makoto, Rei, and a pink-haired girl holding a clear bag filled with rabbit-shaped cookies. Usagi's face looked a little sour in the photo, her eyes trained on the cookies with their lumpy shapes and burnt edges. She remembered suddenly how delicious those ugly little cookies tasted and how proud Chibiusa had been of them.

Why do these pictures still exist?

And maybe she always knew that they had. Maybe there was a reason why she left the pink box at her parent's house.

The second picture made her want to scream.

Mamoru's gentle blue eyes greeted her first. He had a small smile on his lips, but it was nothing compared to the wide grin on Usagi's face or the carefree smile on Chibiusa's. The child's red eyes were shining and the hand that wasn't holding onto the yellow balloon was gripping Mamoru's fingers tightly.

"Who is this girl?" Ikuko asked curiously. "She's in so many pictures. She reminds me of someone, but I don't know who."

"She's someone we all used to babysit," Usagi answered quietly. The lie was getting old and it was wearing on her.

"Why don't I remember her?" Ikuko asked, taking another look at the photos with curious eyes. Usagi realized that her mother was a lot more concerned about this than she had thought.

"She never really came to the house," she said as she quickly collected the loose photos and put them back into the box.

"Usagi..."

"I need to pee," she announced before rushing off toward the bathroom.

Her mother frowned deeply and scolded behind her, "Your father and I taught you better manners than that!"

It wasn't too late when Usagi got home, but she was exhausted. She dumped the shoebox onto the couch and went to her bedroom, peeling off her clothes before she climbed into bed.

But she couldn't sleep.

She tossed and turned for an hour, closing her eyes for a while and then opening them to glance at the clock. Finally, she gave a heavy sigh and got out of bed. Soon Usagi found herself standing at the kitchen counter, roughly twisting a corkscrew into a bottle of white wine as she glared at the pink box perched on the couch.

With a few gulps of wine settling in her stomach, Usagi finally gathered the courage to approach the box. She sat on the floor beside the couch and with trembling fingers, lifted the lid.

"I can't," she choked out, the cardboard lid slipping from between her fingers and landing on the floor with a soft thud.

"I don't know what to do," she cried out to no one. "I just don't know what to do!"

Usagi buried her face in her hands, her shoulders shaking as she sobbed and wished. She wished to go back in time and fix things. She wished Mamoru had never gone to America. And for a crushing and confusing moment, she wished Seiya had never come back.

But then she wished Seiya could be there with her. She missed the smell of his skin, the way his voice sounded when her head was rested comfortably on his chest, and the warmth and safety of his presence. In a moment of weakness and wanting, she reached for her phone and opened her saved conversation with him.

Her fingers hovered over the keypad.

What should I say?

Shock ran through her body as a small grey notification popped up above the keypad.

Seiya is typing…

"Oh," she gasped, nearly dropping the phone. She set it down on the table, the bright screen illuminating her face as she waited to see what he had to say after weeks of radio silence. While she readied herself for anything from a simple 'hey' to a lengthy paragraph detailing every thought he'd had this week, Usagi didn't expect the firm knock coming from the front door.

She looked to the door and then back at the phone, brows furrowing when she realized the notification was gone. Seiya deleted whatever he was typing.

"Uh, just," she paused, looking at the time - 11:00 PM. "Just a minute!"

'Is it him?' she asked herself as she quickly put the lid back on the box of photographs. Nerves fluttered throughout her body, tickling her chest and making her knees feel a little unsteady as she moved to the door. She steeled herself with a deep breath and reassuring nod, and then opened it, unsure of how she'd react to Seiya standing there.

With her mouth hanging open, incapable of saying anything for a long moment, she stared wide-eyed at Mamoru.

"M-Mamo-chan. What are you doing here?" Usagi asked, breathless, as she stumbled backward. He moved past her, ignoring her question as he shut the door behind himself.

"I needed to talk to you in person," he said finally, setting his bag down beside the door. His voice made her feel like she was on a boat at sea, her legs weak, stomach rolling.

She nodded quickly, but couldn't find words to say.

"I'm going to take a shower and then we'll talk." He paused, his eyes searching the living room quickly. "Is he here?"

"No! No, of course not. It's just me."

"Where's Luna?"

All Usagi could do was shrug. Luna did her own things these days.

It felt surreal. As she listened to the sound of the shower running from the bathroom, her shaking fingers picked up the phone. Whatever Seiya was about to say, he never sent. She wondered how many unsent messages Seiya had written to her.

Saving her disappointment for later, she quickly found Rei's name.

Mamo is here! I don't know what to say to him!

A few painful minutes went by as Usagi listened to the muffled sound of water droplets hitting the floor of the shower. Finally, her phone buzzed in her hands.

OMG WHAT? Does he want to fix things?!

We haven't talked yet. He's in the shower. What do I do?

OMG You really dug a hole for yourself.

Wow Rei you're so helpful, she shot back before quickly downing the rest of the wine in her glass.

From the time Usagi heard the creak of the faucet turning off and the stillness of Mamoru in the bathroom, time seemed to move in slow motion. Rei's next response, Well what did you expect? was met with Usagi simply turning the screen of her phone black and setting it down beside her. Without her phone to distract her, she found herself twiddling her thumbs and shaking her knees anxiously. This didn't feel like any situation she'd ever been in with Mamoru. Rather, it felt like she were in a doctor's office, waiting for the worst of news.

When she heard the soft shuffling of feet in the hallway, she sat up straight at once, blowing a nervous breath out from between tense lips. Mamoru stood at the edge of the living room with wet hair and a fresh set of clothes on, studying his fiance for a painfully long and awkward moment.

"Please say something," Usagi begged meekly.

"What's there to say?"

He sat down heavily beside Usagi. The weight of his body beside her on the sofa made her tense uncomfortably. She couldn't escape (though crawling into a dark hole and never coming out sounded perfect right now), and sitting there in silence would only make it worse. She swallowed the lump in her throat and said, "You wouldn't be here right now if you didn't have something to say."

"I couldn't stop thinking about what you said," he said in a low voice, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. "Did it happen here?"

She shook her head quickly. "N-no. I would never do that here. This is your home."

"Our home."

"Mamo-chan, I don't know where to start. I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am."

"I know you are, Usagi. I know your heart and I know you don't want to hurt anyone, but this is… this doesn't feel like you. It hurts a lot, Usa." He sighed and closed his eyes. "I don't forgive you right now, but I know I will."

"I don't deserve forgiveness," she said, looking down shamefully. "But thank you for trying."

"I feel like I should have seen it sooner. I don't mean just him. It's been everything. You've been so unhappy these past few years and then you started asking questions about how I was feeling about all this. You were acknowledging that this life wasn't by choice and I just accepted that."

"What are you saying, Mamo?"

"Honestly, I'm not sure. I just wish we had talked about it more. I could have let you know that you weren't alone in feeling that way."

"If you felt that way too, why didn't you say anything?" She asked, her voice low and hesitant. The idea that he felt trapped with her stung, but she tried to push that away. How could she justify being hurt when she had felt the same?

"In my mind and my heart, I thought it was our duty, Usa. I thought that if we didn't do things the way we were supposed to, that we would be letting everyone down. I was so relieved when you suggested holding off the wedding for a year. I felt like you were giving us time to breathe and to be ourselves before we lost the chance. I saw it as a gift-as a sign that you were on the same page; that we had something else in common. But I should have seen it for what it was. It was a red flag."

"A red flag? Mamoru, I don't know what to say to any of this," she admitted, looking down at her hands. She realized suddenly that she couldn't remember the last time she wore her heart-shaped engagement ring.

"I love you, Usako. Please know that I do. I'm grateful that we were awakened because that gave me the chance to see what a wonderful person you are, but are we really supposed to be together in this life? Do Serenity and Endymion really get to have so many chances? What about us?"

Usagi couldn't stop the tears as she sat down beside Mamoru and placed a hand on his knee.

"I don't know how to describe the love that I have for you because it is so strong and so special, but it's changed," she confessed. "It's there, but it's not…"

She paused, her lips falling into a deep frown. The words were there at the tip of her tongue, but how could she say them without being cruel?

"Not the kind of love you want to feel for your husband?" He offered, his voice much gentler than she thought she deserved.

"Hai, Mamoru," she whispered, bringing her hand up to her mouth to stop her sob from breaking through.

"That's because you're not in love with me anymore, Usako."

She nodded through her tears.

"Yeah," she whispered, closing her eyes. Acknowledging what she had been feeling out loud sent a calming wave of relief throughout her body. However, as she thought of the pain she had inflicted, the soothing feeling was short-lived.

"I understand," he said. Usagi looked up at him with bewildered eyes. He's okay with this?

"I don't think we've been in love for a long time," Mamoru began. "But I do love you too. You know that, right? I know I wasn't always kind, but I always cared. You're the only real family I've ever had, Usagi." As strong as he tried to be, Usagi noticed the shake in his voice and the way he clenched his fist. He was exposing himself to the person who had hurt him the most.

"And I'll always be a part of your family," she said, clutching his hand tightly. "I will love you forever, Chiba Mamoru. I know that. I can promise that."

Mamoru asked her the question she hoped he would never ask again. She had gotten away with not answering it on their video call, but with him so close now, she knew she couldn't hide from it.

"Are you in love with him?"

"I am," she said softly, pulling her hand from his and setting it on her lap. "It feels so different. But it doesn't take away from the love I have for you. You're special to me, Mamo-chan."

"And you are to me, Usako."

Mamoru placed a hand on Usagi's cheek, eyes gazing down at her tear-stained face before placing a tender kiss on her lips.

"I'm so sorry it ended this way," she cried out, her shoulders shaking.

"I know you are. Maybe if we hadn't been so focused on getting everything right and saving the world, we would have had time to get to know each other better," he said wistfully, pressing his forehead to hers. His voice was soft and low, and it reminded Usagi of times they spent lying in bed, confiding and telling secrets.

"I'm so scared, Mamo," she whispered with closed eyes. "With you, I always knew what the future would be. Now I don't know anything at all."

She felt the soft pads of Mamoru's fingers wiping the tears from beneath her eyes. The touch, so tender and intimate, made her look up, and she found herself looking into pools of deep blue. Years ago this intimacy would have made her fall in love all over again, and if she were being honest with herself, she did feel a twinge of something in her chest. Nostalgia, maybe? Serenity trying to hold on to Endymion?

But as her eyes searched his, she felt something stronger. Something she trusted more than anything. It was a voice that was completely hers and hers alone, and it knew Mamoru wasn't the one.

"There is freedom in not knowing, Usa," Mamoru said, the hint of a smile teasing the corner of his mouth.

The pair fell silent. Usagi listened to the sound of Mamoru's soft breathing and the quiet, mechanical tick of the clock in the kitchen as her mind dissected his words. Finally, she found the courage to speak.

"I'll move back in with my parents. By the time you come home for the summer-"

"Shhh," Mamoru hushed her gently and pulled her in for a comforting hug. She didn't know why, but the feel of his arms around her was overwhelming. She held on to him tightly as she wept.

"We don't need to talk about this right now," he whispered into her ear once she began to calm. "Let's get some sleep. We can figure out logistics later."

"And what about everyone else? The senshi? Shouldn't we tell them?"

"Yes, we should, but let's take this one step at a time."

"Okay, well, what's the first step then?" She asked with a sniffle and soft hiccup.

"Weren't you listening, Odango Atama? The first step is sleep."

That night, after helping Mamoru get settled on the couch, she relaxed into the soft comfort of her bed with a long, shaky breath. There was a battle between the tears stinging her eyes and the feeling of relief in her chest. She unlocked her phone and quickly found her fingers hovering over her conversation with Seiya. He never did respond, but there were so many things she wanted to tell him right then.

With a sigh, she locked the screen and tossed the phone to the empty side of her bed.

This wasn't the right time.

Seiya would have to wait.