Chapter Eighteen

Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word

Gibbs sat in the parking lot of Tony's apartment building, brooding. He'd left NCIS intending to go home and drink an excess of Bourbon until the reproachful voice in his head – a voice that sounded very much like Ducky – was silenced, but he'd wound up here instead.

With a pizza – sausage, pepperoni and extra cheese. DiNozzo's favorite.

He shook his head, exasperated. Bourbon might delay the inevitable, but it wouldn't solve the problem. Ducky was right, and there was no way around it. He owed DiNozzo an apology – a real one. He'd already given his SFA a half-assed one fairly recently, so he was well past his quota, but he knew it was necessary. He'd promised not only to be on his partner's side, but that he considered him a friend. Gibbs didn't have many friends for comparison, but he knew that he hadn't acted like one recently.

He'd always been surly, with a habit of letting his rage get away from him and lashing out at everyone and everything. He'd been called out on it before. When he lost his admittedly short temper, he also tended to wait for the angry words to blow over rather than attempting to repair the damage caused. He couldn't do that this time. He had to make it right. Tony was his second in command. He belonged to him, and he would protect him from both Jenny's machinations and Jeanne Benoit, if necessary. But – and this was the hard part for Gibbs – he had to follow Tony's lead when it came to Jeanne. If Tony couldn't get her out of his heart, then of course he'd want to give it one final try.

From the moment he'd dragged DiNozzo from a messy situation in Baltimore, the young man had more than proved his worth. Some at NCIS even referred to him as Gibbs' loyal St. Bernard. Tony had always been loyal, had always had Gibbs' six. It was more than past time to reward that unwavering loyalty by showing some in return. DiNozzo had earned it. If it meant giving Jeanne a clean slate, that's what he was going to do.

If it worked out, then Gibbs would be happy for his friend – a friend he considered more like the son he'd never had. If it didn't work – then he'd be there to pick up the pieces like a good father should. Jeanne's angry words after he'd busted in on them a few nights ago had gutted him. He knew Tony's cover about having a Marine for a father was the younger man's acknowledgement that he felt the same way about Gibbs. Now that he was certain the feeling was mutual, he wasn't about to lose it.

With that thought firmly in his head, Gibbs got out of his car and made his way up to Tony's apartment. The corridor was empty when he got off the elevator, but he purposely kept his key in his pocket and knocked on the door. He'd at least give Tony the chance to invite him in willingly.

He hoped they hadn't sunk below the level where he'd refuse.

There was silence from inside the apartment, so Gibbs knocked again. It was only eight o'clock. DiNozzo could be out on the town since it wasn't a school night for him while he was on disability. Perhaps he'd have to wait after all. He couldn't help the tiny sigh of relief when the door cracked open, and DiNozzo peered out, bleary-eyed with his hair rumpled and standing on end.

"Did I wake you?" Gibbs asked.

Without a word, Tony widened the door, granting Gibbs entrance. Feeling awkward, he went inside, straining his neck to see if Jeanne was there. That's all he needed was to interrupt them in the middle of a romp. The apartment looked empty, but the bedroom door was closed. He went to the living room and put the pizza box on the coffee table.

Tony followed, wearily sinking onto the couch and automatically pulling a slice of pizza out of the box. "Went to another PT session today. Ducky insisted I had to take a couple of those pills afterwards, and they always knock me on my ass," he said before taking a large bite.

Gibbs smirked, knowing the truth in that statement. "I'm going to grab a couple plates," he said, preferring to rest his slice on one rather than back in the box as DiNozzo tended to do.

"Why are you here, Gibbs?" Tony asked tiredly.

Gibbs insteadof Boss. Yeah, he'd really stepped in it.

"Bringing you dinner," he replied, handing Tony a plate and placing a slice of the pizza on his own. He put a couple bottles of water on the table, as well. "You have actual food in your refrigerator – that's new."

"Thanks," Tony said, taking another bite. "I'm here a lot more to eat."

He didn't say another word, and Gibbs realized he wasn't going to make this easy. He supposed he deserved that. Might as well just get it out there.

"Shouldn't have said what I did the other night," he said.

"Oh, you think?" Tony replied, throwing Gibbs' familiar phrase back at him. He'd always both admired and bemoaned the kid's guts.

"I was out of line," he said, biting the bullet.

Tony nodded, his eyes shining with pent-up anger. "Yeah, you were. Look, you can knock me around all you want, but I won't allow you to treat her that way."

This was interesting. He was standing up for her over himself – that was typical – but by stating it, he was putting it out in the open that he was seeing her. Gibbs could take it or leave it. Gibbs had no intention of walking away, but he wanted the younger man to know his actions were born from concern, not spite. He really could be an asshole, but as much as Tony wanted to believe that Gibbs could see through his masks, Gibbs wanted to believe that Tony knew him equally well.

"Don't want to knock you around, either, but I'm worried. Just don't always express it the right way," Gibbs said.

Tony rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I've noticed."

"So… are you two back together? Both moved past all the lies?" he asked, needing clarification and knowing the situation exactly. How else could he offer back-up?

Tony shook his head, releasing some of his anger but not the tension behind it. "No, we're not together like that… just not… bitter anymore. We're talking."

"Talking?" Gibbs asked, raising an eyebrow.

Tony rolled his eyes again. "Yeah, unlike you, we like to talk… and there's a lot of history there."

"So, she's getting to know Tony DiNozzo, then. That's a good thing. He's a good man," Gibbs said, looking away and finally taking a bite of his own pizza.

Tony smiled almost shyly. "She says she's realized that she already knows him… me," he said, his face coloring.

"That so?" Gibbs asked. While he knew Tony had loved her, he hadn't really comprehended just how gone he was.

Kid was head over heels.

Tony nodded. "Yeah… my cover was very loosely created – too loose once you really look at it – so I filled in the blanks with the real me – the parts I don't usually share," he said awkwardly.

Although Gibbs was aware that Tony used a lot of masks in the office and with other people to cover up his true nature and feelings, the two had never actually discussed it out loud. Gibbs had his own walls; Tony had the right to the same. Still, he had to know that Gibbs was watching out for him – would always watch out for him.

"And what about you? You forgiven her for setting you up for a murder rap?" he asked, not wanting to think about it. He'd proved Tony's innocence on a false murder rap once before, and he'd do it again, but he'd seen erroneous convictions before, and DiNozzo would never survive prison.

"I'm not excusing it, but I lied, too. We both have to be able to forgive each other if it's going to work," Tony said softly.

Gibbs knew it was hypocritical since he was here hoping for Tony's forgiveness, but he wanted him to acknowledge how catastrophic Jeanne's lie could've been for him. Self-preservation had never been one of Tony's strong suits, despite how many times he'd escaped the clutches of certain doom.

"She know how badly that could've gone for you?" he asked.

Tony pursed his lips, considering. "I don't think she really thought it out. She was reacting out of hurt and betrayal. She felt like she was drowning and looking for anything to grab onto."

"I know it's your decision. I just want you to be careful; be sure it's not betrayal that's still fueling her. Please," Gibbs said, determined to follow Tony's lead, but still wanting him to protect himself if he wouldn't allow Gibbs to do it.

Tony's eyes widened, recognizing the significance of that word coming from Gibbs. He nodded solemnly.

Gibbs' mind was working furiously, remembering little snippets of the time Tony was undercover, a time Gibbs usually tried not to think about. The difference in Tony then was that he was happy. Gibbs hadn't even realized it until it was over, and he could see how unhappy he was. He could see a trace of it now, however, now that she was back, and Gibbs was going to have to find a way to embrace that.

Tony took a deep breath. "She invited me to go to Boston with her this weekend," he said, his eyes staring right at Gibbs to see his reaction.

"What's in Boston?" Gibbs asked.

"She has a job interview; I'm getting a second opinion on my shoulder," Tony replied, still watching Gibbs closely.

Gibbs gut churned. "She moving to Boston if she gets the job?" he asked, already envisioning scenarios where DiNozzo might follow her there. The nearest NCIS office was in Newport, RI – too far for a daily commute.

Gibbs didn't want Tony to move away just when he'd finally taken his head out of his ass and realized how much the younger man meant to him. He wanted to try and accept Jeanne's presence in Tony's life if that's what Tony needed from him, but there were more land mines with that woman every time he turned around, and he didn't trust himself to navigate it any better than he'd done thus far. She worried him – but he'd rather accept her than lose Tony.

Tony shrugged. "She says she doesn't want that job, but I don't know," Tony replied, and Gibbs could read that he was troubled by the idea, as well.

"What happens if they offer her the job?" he asked.

"I don't know. In case you haven't noticed, I'm sort of winging this," Tony said, shrugging.

Gibbs knew him well enough to read the anxiety lurking in his eyes, but against his instincts, he shoved down his concern.

"You take care of yourself and watch your six," he said, pausing. He had to play this right. "Have a good time. You deserve it, and a vacation will do you good."

Both of them took bites of their pizza, feeling discomfited. Neither was good at expressing emotions, yet Tony would know this was Gibbs' version of an apology and a pledge to be there no matter what.

"You ever played the board game, Sorry, Boss? How did that work? Or maybe you didn't have those Gibbs' rules when you were a kid," Tony said with an impish grin.

Gibbs allowed himself to smile, too, knowing all had been forgiven. He and Tony had always been able to communicate their intentions without a lot of word vomit. Gibbs liked it that way. Still, a lot had happened that day that Tony was as of yet unaware, and he deserved to know.

"Both Jenny and Ziva were suspended," he said casually, taking another bite of his pizza.

Tony's eyes widened dramatically, as he choked on his pizza. Once he'd fully swallowed, he slowly lowered the remainder of the slice onto his plate. "Come again?" he asked, dazed.

Gibbs smirked at the reaction. "You miss a lot when you don't come to work."

"Both of them? What did they do?" he asked, yelping.

"Nothing together, so get that thought right out of your head. Ziva didn't wait for a search warrant, and Ferreira wrote her up. Meant to tell you that the other day when I got… distracted," Gibbs said, shrugging.

"Yeah, we don't have to go over that again. Did you write her up for disobeying a direct order at the Marriott Marquis?" Tony asked.

Gibbs knew he wouldn't have let that go. "Tried. The Director didn't want a permanent mark in her file, so she only got a verbal warning."

Tony rolled his eyes. "That figures."

"This time, Jenny couldn't squash Ferreira's complaint because he sent a copy to Assistant Director Vance. Ziva was given a temporary suspension until she completes the required courses at FLETC that she should've done in the first place," Gibbs said, a sour taste in his mouth. He still hadn't forgiven Jenny for blocking his complaint and for circumventing the rules in the first place.

"Ziva's suspension is only temporary – so that means the Director's isn't?" Tony asked astutely.

Gibbs nodded. "Yep. Remember how I said she was looking into why Jeanne was still in town?"

Tony startled. "It has something to do with Jeanne?"

"She bugged some of the computers at NCIS to alert her if anyone was looking into her, and she also tapped into the FBI's case on what happened that night at the Marriott," Gibbs said.

"Whoa," Tony said, visibly stunned. "How'd she manage that? Not McGee?"

"No, not McGee. His was one of the computers being watched. I suspect she had someone from the tech department set it up, but I don't know who yet," Gibbs said.

"Who found out?" Tony asked.

"Abby. She alerted me, and we took care of the issue at NCIS. FBI showed up this morning," Gibbs said.

"Nice one, Abs," Tony said with a low whistle. "Wow, a lot happened while I've been on my deathbed."

Gibbs rolled his eyes at the melodrama. Still, it was nice to have Tony acting like Tony. "That PT therapist give you any idea when you can come back on desk duty? We're down two members now," he said.

Tony scowled. "She says I need a percentage of my range of motion and off the pain meds – only it's all her manipulations that make me need the pain meds."

"We'll make do, then," Gibbs said, and he meant it.

The two men finished off the last of the pizza, and Tony selected a movie from his vast collection – some screwball, cheesy, half comedy/half horror movie called Tremors. While Gibbs might've balked on a normal day about the goofiness, it did have its moments. He suspected DiNozzo picked it specifically to make him suffer, but his SFA's clear amusement, and the knowledge he was owed some suffering kept Gibbs planted on the couch.

/* /* /* /*

For once driving sedately, Gibbs pulled into a parking space at Bethesda Naval Hospital and looked up at the building with a sigh. Although he hated it, and it went against his beliefs, he knew it had to be done. He'd crossed a line. Usually, he didn't care how many lines he crossed if he got the results he desired, but this time, he had enough awareness to know that if he really wanted a clean slate with Tony, he had to do this.

Tony had granted forgiveness, probably quicker than the younger man should've done, but that's always what he'd been like. If Gibbs didn't make things right here, his relationship with the younger man would only continue to deteriorate. And Gibbs couldn't let that happen.

Somewhere along the way after he'd plucked a savvy young detective from a bad situation in Baltimore, the kid had come to mean a lot to him. Ducky often hypothesized on the similarities between them, but Gibbs always noticed the differences. DiNozzo was a people person who forgave others' faults easily and generally craved attention. Gibbs however, preferred a solitary life and had a hard time moving past his first impressions – especially if they were negative.

Gibbs knew that DiNozzo's heart was certainly a hell of a lot bigger than his own – but the only problem with a bigger heart is that it makes the hurts all that deeper. DiNozzo was an expert at pretending the hurts didn't affect him, but Gibbs knew that was far from the truth, and that he was the one who often did the hurting.

He needed to eat some humble pie and get this over with if he ever wanted to find a permanent place in his young man's life. So, sucking it up, he went inside the hospital and found an inconspicuous spot to linger until he saw the person he sought. As a former sniper, he had the patience to wait there all day if necessary. Fortunately, it didn't take nearly that long.

He saw her emerge from one of the elevators carrying a hospital folder. He'd been leaning against a wall, and he straightened when she saw him. Her eyes narrowed, but she didn't turn the other way and instead approached him.

She had guts. He'd give her that.

"Agent Gibbs," Jeanne said coolly.

"Tony mentioned that you were here getting his medical records. I wondered if I could buy you a cup of coffee," he said, trying to look sincere and not glare.

He'd been told many times that he had an intense and intimidating glare. In reality, most times he didn't even realize he was doing it, so purposefully trying not to glare wasn't as easy as he might've thought.

Jeanne pursed her lips for a moment, considering, but she nodded without a word and followed him to the coffee shop in silence. Gibbs never allowed his discomfort to show, but that didn't mean he didn't feel it. He hated talking about feelings and emotions, but that was exactly what was necessary here. Personally, he'd rather crawl butt naked through a mine field.

He'd ruined more than one relationship with his refusal to talk or open up, and he found it somewhat ironic that it was DiNozzo he was willing to do it for rather than any of his former wives. He could imagine the field day they all would have with that. The thing was, it wasn't as if he wanted any of those wives to leave, but he also didn't want them to stay enough to change. He wanted DiNozzo to stay, so it was up to him to alter his self-destructive pattern.

Inside the coffee shop, he and Jeanne made their selections and chose a table in the corner that at least offered a modicum of privacy. Gibbs certainly didn't want an audience for this conversation.

"I was out of line," he said, feeling it was best to just grab the bull by the horns and get it out there. "I shouldn't have said what I said, and I wish I hadn't. I owe you an apology."

Jeanne took a sip of her coffee, pinning him with her gaze. "Tony said that you see apologizing as a sign of weakness."

Gibbs grimaced. "Not amongst friends."

"We're not friends," she said bluntly.

Valid. She wasn't one to pull her punches, and he could respect that. "No, but if we both care about Tony, we need to work on it. I'm wary about you, but that doesn't justify my behavior."

Jeanne's eyes narrowed as she took another sip of her coffee. "Something tells me you usually don't feel that you need to justify anything. Why are you really here? Checking up on me? Making sure I'm really doing what I told Tony I would be? You've obviously discussed this with him."

"He doesn't know I'm here," Gibbs said. "I wronged you both, and I'm trying to make it right."

"But you'd rather I just disappear," Jeanne said astutely.

Gibbs shrugged. "I won't deny I'm worried. Tony's put his trust in the wrong people before, and he bears the scars to prove it. I don't want you to be one more of those people – but I don't want to be on that list, either."

"So, you're protecting him from me?" she asked incredulously, a trace of the simmering anger she still bore shining in her eyes. "You do realize I had absolutely no idea he wasn't exactly who he pretended to be when I knew him, right?"

Gibbs took a deep breath, trying to get his words right, to adequately express what he wanted to say without making this any worse than he already had.

"Director Shepherd was wrong to use you, but she wronged Tony, too. She insisted he lie to both you and the team, and I don't think he was comfortable with either," Gibbs said.

Jeanne pressed her lips together and recrossed her legs. She was uncomfortable, but she was listening. Gibbs had to get the words out, no matter how much he wished otherwise.

"The team didn't handle it well, and we didn't let him see a way out. I was wrong, and I know that. I'm trying to do right by him now – even though I'm not even sure what right is anymore."

"Does everyone who works at your agency automatically assume they know what's best for everyone? That people are just playthings? A means to a desired outcome? The arrogance of all of you is unbelievable," she said, fired up.

"Our job is to catch bad guys, and if feelings get trampled over on the way there, so be it," he said, heat coloring his words again. He wouldn't apologize for the way he worked. Sometimes, the means did justify the end. He was sorry he'd caused a problem in Tony's personal life, but he had no qualms about how he did his job.

Jeanne paused, perusing his face. She seemed to come to a conclusion, and he watched some of the anger deflate from her posture. "I'll admit, watching you all at work in the ballroom with the terrorists let me see Tony in a new light. Your team works as a cohesive unit, and he seemed in his element doing it, but I'm not a terrorist, and I wasn't involved in anything illegal," she said firmly.

"No. You were collateral damage, and it never should've happened that way. You have every right to be angry, which is why I'm worried about the continued closeness I see with Tony now that you know the truth," Gibbs said, laying his cards on the table.

"We don't need your blessing," Jeanne said.

"I know that."

Jeanne pressed her lips together, tilting her head to the side. He was used to closely watching suspects, deciphering their tells and reading their body language. This time, he felt as if the same was being done to him – and he didn't like it.

"But it doesn't stop you from caring about him. I can see that you do," she said at last.

Gibbs winced. "He has a way of getting under your skin."

"Don't I know it?" she said bitterly. "Look, I don't know if we can get past all that's happened, but there is still a connection there, and if I don't try, I'll spend the rest of my life wondering about him. I think he feels the same."

Gibbs was quiet a moment, considering. She had a fair point, and he thought he should mention what he'd observed but never managed to acknowledge.

"I think he loved you. It dawned on me that he was happy when he was with you. I didn't realize what it was until it was over, and I could see how unhappy he was."

Jeanne pinched her lips together, contemplating. "I was wrong about you, Agent Gibbs. You do know the right words when they need to be said."

Author's Note:

Thanks for all the comments on my hand. Stitches are out and now just one finger in a splint. I'm getting there!

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