"Miranda, what the hell is going on?"
Meredith could see the hesitation in her long time mentor's eyes. Miranda gripped onto the mask and shifted her weight before speaking, "One of the passengers was Lucas Adams. And the second was little Bailey."
Bailey. Her Bailey. Her kind, bright, smart, funny, charming Bailey. That's who she was talking about.
She could feel her breathe hitch as she mustered all her energy to ask, "Bailey?"
"He's on his way to the hospital. Ben is in the rig with him. Alex is ready to take him in. Do we pull Derek out?"
Everything seemed to slow down around her and all the noise seemed to tune out into nothingness.
Bailey was in a car accident. Bailey. Her Bailey. Her kind, bright, smart, funny, charming Bailey. Was in a car accident.
"Meredith?"
She stared at Owen as he asked something. Derek. She needed to find Derek as soon as possible. Now.
She tried to move from her spot but her body didn't seem to make any connections to the signals her brain was sending.
All she knew was that Bailey was in a car accident. Bailey. Her Bailey. Her kind, bright, smart, funny, charming Bailey. Was in a car accident.
"Meredith!"
Meredith's eyes snapped open and made contact with a set of blue eyes. She blinked several times as her eyes settled on the figure in front of her. Someone must've dimmed the once fluorescent lights that brightened the room.
"You fell asleep," Derek whispered, "You should stay with Amy and the girls. I can stay with him for the rest of the night," he insisted.
Meredith shook her head, "No, I'm gonna stay. If you want to go and-"
"I'm not gonna go either," Derek pressed his lips together, "Do you want me to ask them for-"
"I'm fine," Meredith cut him off as she stood from the couch and walked towards the monitors. The steadily beeped and assured her that Bailey was stable.
Meanwhile, she could hear something else crash. And she wasn't so sure they'd be able to save it.
All that mattered was Bailey. Her Bailey. Her kind, bright, smart, funny, charming Bailey. Who had survived a car accident.
Day 1 Post-Op
"Dr. Shepherd?" Griffith whispered at the door.
Derek inhaled deeply as he turned to the door. He turned to the couch where Meredith had curled and fallen asleep again. Still in scrubs. He glanced at the monitors that told him his son was fine. Everything was okay.
He quickly stood up and followed Griffith out the door, "Sorry Dr. Shepherd, but I just wanted to check in and ask if you or Dr. Grey needed anything? We heard about last night and I just wanted to-"
"Um, no, thanks Griffith," he quickly checked the time on his clock before turning back to her, "Shouldn't you be doing rounds now"
"We're about to start but we skipped peds given that Dr. Karev asked we give you and Dr. Grey some privacy," she nodded as she peered once again into the room, "He should come in soon."
"Okay good. Thanks," Derek stuffed his hands into the pockets of his scrubs, "Did Dr. Adams come in today? Is he-?"
"No, I haven't seen him since we scrubbed in with Dr. Grey,'' Griffith pressed her lips together as she watched him huff out defeated. She rubbed her hands together as she noticed the worried look on his features, "Are you sure you're okay? I mean I know not totally because-"
Derek sighed, "Yeah, I'm- thanks Griffith, you should get back to Dr. Hunt. He'll be overseeing you guys for the next few days."
Simone nodded and took a few steps away before turning back, "If I see him, I'll let you know."
He didn't have to press to know who she was referring to. He simply nodded, conveying as many wordless thanks as he could.
As he walked into the room, Meredith opened her eyes. She blinked a few times before settling her eyes on him, "What happened?"
"Griffith came to check in. Said Karev would be in soon," he explained as he sat on the chair again, "Did you want coffee? Tea? I can go get you a cup before he-."
"No," Meredith shook her head, "Nurses come in to-?"
"Katy is his nurse for the day, she was in here a few-"
"And you didn't wake me up?" Meredith stared at him.
"You had just fallen asleep she was in here at dawn," he tried to reason as she rolled her eyes at him.
Meredith stuffed her face into her hands before standing to stare at the monitors again. She analyzed each number carefully before turning to her son and running on hand through his blonde tresses.
"Okay, one of us has to go get the girls," Derek whispered as he walked to the opposite side of the bed, "I can go check in on them and take them to school."
Meredith shook her head before looking up at him, "Fine."
"Meredith-"
"It's fine, Derek," she waved him off before making her way to the door, "I'm fine. We're fine. It's fine, drop it. I'm gonna get find Alex."
Derek sighed deeply before following her out of the door and down the hall. She heard his footsteps and opened the door to an empty waiting room and groaned when she didn't hear the door shut behind her as intended.
"I swear to God, Derek, just leave it alone," she sighed tiredly as she flopped onto a chair and stuffed her face into both hands, "I'm not fighting with you right now, I can't!"
Derek slammed the door behind him and faced her, arms crossed, ready for another round.
"No," he insisted, "You are blaming me for what happened and that's-"
"You're seriously going to act like a martyr? This isn't about you Derek!"
"No it's not" he scoffed, "But for every little thing that happens to the kids, any accident, you always seem to find a way to blame me. It happened last year when he hurt his wrist while you were off-"
"Okay, no!" Meredith stood up, "That? What you're about to say? That was different-"
"How was it different? That last time-"
"Think very carefully about what you're going to say, Derek!"
"-you were in Minnesota, Meredith!"
"What the hell are you trying to say?" She couldn't help the tears that had formed in her eyes, "Is this you once again throwing at my face how terrible of a mother I am?"
"It's what you've been doing!" he yelled back, "You've been trying to find a way to put all the blame on me whether it's Zola or Bailey, everything is my fault! You think I'm a terrible father and that I can't-"
"Don't you dare, Derek!" Meredith gritted loudly.
"You let me stay on with a surgery without telling me he was in the ER!"
"Screw you, Derek!" Meredith shouted, "You want to act like the victim here? Fine! But you are not going to pin this on me! I tried, okay! I tried by damn best to do both-!"
"Alright enough!" Maggie's voice cut through the both of them, "We can all hear you down the hall and this isn't helping!"
"Don't worry we're done here," Meredith stomped out of the room and made her way back to her son's room.
Derek stood motionless and blinked. How did it all come to this?
"Derek?" Maggie quietly asked, "Are you-"
He turned and stomped out of the room as he took off his white coat, "I'm gonna go get my girls."
Meredith ran down the stairs as quick as she could. She opened the room to the ER and saw as the room bustled with patients. She didn't noticed when they all looked at her and whispered. She didn't notice when she almost crashed with another attending or when a nurse tried to hold her back.
She ran out the doors as she spotted Teddy Altman and Alex Karev waiting with yellow trauma gowns on.
"Where's Bailey? How bad is it?" she burst as she stood between both surgeons, "What's their ETA? What the hell is taking them so long?"
"Woah, woah, what the hell are you doing here? Go back inside!" Alex shouted as he tried to hold her back.
"Don't tell me to go back inside Alex!"
The faint sounds of sirens could be heard approaching.
"Meredith you need to go back inside, now," Teddy tried gently, "You are not the chief right now-"
"I'm not leaving until I see Bailey!" Meredith cried out.
The ambulance turned the corner into the driveway as the sirens loudly blared and the lights flashed.
The ambulance carrying Bailey. Her Bailey. Her kind, bright, smart, funny, charming Bailey. Was in a car accident.
"Grey?"
"Grey!"
Meredith jumped as she turned to the voice besides her.
Miranda eyed Meredith who stood motionless in front of the vending machine.
"How's little Bailey? I heard he's awake and should recover nicely."
Meredith shook herself out of her trance, "Yeah, it uh,it was a liver lac but Alex repaired it and his vitals are good. He should be good."
"Good, good," Miranda sighed, "How are you and Derek doing? These things are always-"
"I'm fine," Meredith inserted the money into the machine and pressed the buttons. The machine whirled until a bag of chips fell.
"Meredith Grey," Miranda scoffed, "I know what that means. You and-"
"Dr. Bailey," Meredith turned to her, "Everything is fine. We're all fine. I will be fine."
Miranda raised a brow and shook her head, "Look, if you and Derek need some time off and need to go home to rest, I will happy to stay with-"
"No," Meredith curtly turned and shook her head, "But thanks."
Day 3 Post -Op
"Okay, I thought your dad was the kind of dad that encouraged you to play sports and was all anti video games'" Amelia scoffed, "How are you so good at this?"
"He can be. But he knows I like sports and I really wanted this for my birthday last year," he sighed, "Dad and I play together and I usually beat him and then Skywalker came and now I play with him."
"Skywalker?" Amelia furrowed her brows at her nephew. She had volunteered to stay with him after overhearing that her nieces wanted to see their brother. If this had been her own brother, she too would be annoying her parents until they gave in and took her to Derek.
"Oh, Lucas," Bailey turned to his aunt, "I heard that's what they call him here so I call him that. It bugs him."
Amelia chortled as she continued to aimlessly play at the controller, "You are good at this you know that? You might need to teach Scout when he gets older."
"Do you know where Lucas is?" Bailey's voice softly asked as he pressed paused and set down the remote, "He hasn't come to see me. Is he okay?"
"Um he's okay," Amelia sighed, "He's-"
"Bailey!"
The young boy turned to the door and spotted a blonde little girl running towards him. He had instantly recognized the voice the second he heard it.
"Ellis, it's a hospital," Zola's voice gently chided, "Mom and dad said we needed to talk softly!"
Ellis stopped at the door and smiled brightly at the sight of her brother, "Bailey you're alive!"
"Hang on squirt you can't jump on the bed, you can hurt him," Alex warned as he walked in behind the pair.
Amelia watched them walk in and kept her eyes firmly on the parents walking into the room. There was tension between the pair but they were making some effort to put a united front. At least for the kids.
Bailey rolled his eyes at his sister's comment, "Of course I'm alive. Uncle Alex made sure I was, right Uncle Alex?"
"That's right," Alex turned to the third person in the room, "Hey, Zo, you okay?"
"Is he gonna be alright? Like really really alright?" she heaved.
"Zola," Derek whispered as he stepped forward, "He's gonna be okay, we promise."
Zola stared at her father and took deep breaths before walking towards her brother's bed, "Bailey if you let this happen again, I promise I will make your life impossible, you hear me?"
"Zola," he sighed, "You and Ellis already do."
Amelia looked up at Derek and chuckled lightly. He didn't return the chuckle. Instead he stared at his children.
Alex joined in as he turned to the door expecting to see Meredith laugh at the comment that sounded like it came out her own mouth. Instead what he found was his friend frozen in place.
Day 4 Post- Op
"I don't need to tell you who this patient is," Alex turned to the group, "So you better not screw up in there, got it?"
The interns nodded as the shuffled in the room and stood at the front of the bed.
"Whose presenting?" Karev asked as he winked at the young boy in front of him, "Get ready to be the center of attention kid."
Bailey chuckled. As if he didn't enjoy it already.
Griffith cleared her throat, "Derek Bailey Shepherd, age ten. Came in after an MVC where he suffered a grade 2 liver laceration. Dr. Karev performed-"
Bailey blinked as he stared at the intern describing-whatever she was saying. He looked around at each of their faces and didn't find the person he had been looking for. Wasn't he supposed to be in this group of interns?
"This is weird," Bailey whispered to his dad.
"I know," Derek ruffled the locks on his forehead and gave him a slight smile, "They're almost done I promise."
"Okay Bailey," Alex heaved, "You've been trapped here for a few days now. I think it's time we bail you outta here and send you home. What do you think?"
"Yes, please," Bailey answered enthusiastically, "I wanna go back to my own bed. I even miss my sisters. I didn't think I'd ever say that."
Derek laughed as Meredith shook her head in amusement. Their eyes made brief contact. As if they were ready to tease their son in unison. Instead, a combination of anger and fear met each other and whatever light banter was effectively dead.
"Okay then" Alex turned to the parents, "He shows no signs of edema, he's eating well, and he's lucky to be going home with two surgeons. I think we're ready to discharge."
Derek sighed, "What about head trauma? We ran the-"
"Like a million times, Shepherd," Alex shook his head as he pulled the scans out on his tablet and showed him, "But you are gonna be home for a few days, Bailey, and you can't do sports for a few weeks. Sorry."
Bailey sighed, "There went soccer finals. And hockey tryouts."
"You can try again next season, sweetie," Meredith whispered as she gently squeezed his hand. He smiled at her and then sighed deeply, unhappy at the instructions his surgeon gave him.
"I'll have someone come in with discharge papers," Alex sighed, "Call me if you have any pain. Don't be a tough guy and listen to your mom and dad. I know it's hard but they're doctors and they know what to do."
Both parents smiled gratefully before Alex turned back to his patient.
"Sometimes," Alex added with a wink, "I'll check in on you before you go, okay Bails?"
"Okay, Uncle Alex," Bailey chuckled and watched as everyone stepped out.
"I'll be back," Derek whispered as he stepped out of the room.
The interns waited outside the room as Derek walked out and closed the door behind him, "Hey guys I just wanted to thank you for holding down the fort and-"
He rubbed his forehead as he continued, "Look I know I've been out and the chief's been out but Dr. Hunt has covered for me over the last few days and he's had nothing but good things to say about you. All of you."
The interns grinned thankfully and pleased at their teacher's words.
"And thank you for taking care of my kid. I'm never gonna be able to thank you enough," Derek sighed once more, "Anyone seen Adams?"
"Dr. Hunt gave him a few days to-," Griffith pointed, "He uh isn't ready to be back-"
"Got it. Thank you Griffith," Derek nodded knowingly, "Okay, go keep doing what you've been doing. I'll check in with you guys soon."
"Ten-year-old male, abdominal pain, vitals show a B.P of 100 over 80 and a pulse of 120," the paramedic shouted as he pulled the gurney down.
Meredith pushed past Alex as she saw Teddy reach the gurney. Lucas stepped out of the rig and made eye contact with Meredith.
"He's awake," he shouted as Meredith followed the gurney in, "He's awake and he-he-"
"Bailey? Bailey! I'm here, can you hear me?" Meredith gripped the gurney as they pushed it into a trauma room.
"Momma it hurts. My stomach hurts," he winced, "It really hurts!"
It was like someone had torn into her chest and ripped her lungs out. There was no air, no room to breathe. Alex and Teddy worked on her son and for a moment she couldn't hear and wouldn't hear anything that was being said.
"Stomach is rigid, we're gonna need a CT," Teddy called out.
"There's free fluid in the abdomen," Alex shook his head as he moved the ultrasound around his abdomen
"Get him a CT now," Meredith commanded, "And a head CT, now, Alex. Do it now!"
"You need to step outside, Dr. Grey," Teddy shouted.
"Altman, I am the chief-"
"Not right now!" Alex yelled, "You're his mother right now, not our chief so go outside!"
"Alex-" Meredith shouted as Bailey groaned in pain.
"Mer, go find Derek," he turned to her as he quietly muttered, "He's gonna need surgery. Find Derek."
Meredith froze. The world around her continued but she froze.
She knew what surgery was. She was acutely aware that surgery meant cutting someone open and risking everything to save a life. Any procedure-routine or not- could be catastrophic. And her son would need surgery.
Bailey needed surgery. Her Bailey. Her kind, bright, smart, funny, charming Bailey. Her Bailey who was in a car accident.
Meredith stared at the board as her eyes fixed on the doctors' names and the procedures. A busy day. A very busy board. With two surgeons down.
"Hey," Maggie stood next to her, "I heard Bailey gets to go home today. You must be so relieved."
"I am," Meredith pursed her lips in a tight smile, "Thank you for helping with Zola and Ellis by the way. I know you've been helping Amelia."
"Of course," Maggie rubbed her shoulder, "You don't need to thank me."
Meredith fixated her eyes back on the board.
"What's wrong?"
"We are down one neurosurgeon for the next few days, I need to try-"
"So Derek is taking a few days off? I thought -"
"What are you trying to say?"
Maggie blinked, "I was just asking-"
"I can do my job and I can be a mother at the same time, Dr. Pierce. You don't need to question everything."
"Mer, I was just-"
Meredith turned on her heels and stomped down the hall until she reached the elevator. She pressed the button once. Twice. A third until the doors opened and let her in.
Maggie stared at her sister from far away- her sister she didn't quite recognize.
Day 7 Post Op
Meredith stepped out of the bedroom and adjusted the collar of her shirt, "What are you doing?"
Derek stood by the breakfast bar packing two lunchboxes, "Lunch for the girls, we're about to head out. What are you doing?"
His briefcase was by the door and he was dressed in a blue dress shirt with dark trousers. He was decidedly headed back to the hospital. Without warning.
"I-I was getting ready for- Derek I thought you were staying with Bailey today?"
"I thought you were staying," he furrowed his brows, "Your alarm went off and you didn't get up."
"I didn't hear it," she rolled her eyes, "You just turned it off without asking me?"
"No-I-You know what, it's fine, I'll stay. You can go to work."
She blinked as she watched him wrap up the lunchboxes. Anger coursed through her body.
"Don't do that," she raised her voice slightly Don't act like you're the only one splitting yourself in pieces to be home and do their job-"
"I never said I was the only one," he matched her tone, "You are the one who-"
"No you-"
"Ready!" Ellis' high timbered voice broke through their conversation, "Oh, I thought Daddy was going to take us."
Derek placed both palms on the counter and stared at Meredith.
"He is, Ellie-Belle. Your dad is taking you to school and after he's going to work. He gets to decide now," she walked to her daughter and placed a kiss at the top of her head, "Have a good day at school. I'll see you two later."
Derek leaned on the counter as he let a deep breathe out.
She wouldn't- could not- let anything go. And as far as Meredith Grey knew, Derek Shepherd was the culprit of their son's accident. And she would never forgive him.
Ellis eyed both parents, furrowed her brows, and shrugged.
Amelia walked down the hallway. She opened the door and was surprised to find her brother sitting in the attending's lounge staring at the ceiling.
"What the heck are you doing here? I thought you'd be at home with Bailey?"
"Meredith is with him today." he rubbed his face. He adjusted himself and sat straighter, "He's fine, he's been good."
"Oh," Amelia closed the door behind her and stepped closer,"You guys are taking turns?"
"Apparently," he muttered, "I don't get a say because I put him in the car with-"
"Derek-"
"No, it's fine. I'm good," he stood from the couch and reached for the styrofoam cup on the table in front of him, "I have an aneurysm I have to clip-"
"Lucas is staying at the house with me," Amy blurted. Derek froze in his place as he listened to her speak.
"He uh, he moved into one of the empty bedrooms and is staying for a while," Amelia continued as she watched her brother freeze, "He asked if I could pick up his stuff-."
"Fine," Derek tried walked out of the room before Amelia stopped him again.
"He's asked about him," she blurted, "Bailey? He's asked about Bailey. He's worried so I told him he was home and he was getting better."
She watched as Derek stuffed his hands into the pockets of his coat, the tension in his shoulders was evident.
"I know it's hard right now, Derek, but he does blame himself. And someday, hopefully soon, you need to forgive him," Amelia swallowed, "You cast these massive rays of sunshine around everyone when you are at your best but when you are pissed you have this massive shadow over you and-"
"Amy-"
"It's like a rainstorm over everyone-"
"Amelia, this wasn't just anyone in the car with him! This was Bailey! My son!"
"You don't think he knows that!" Amelia shouted back, "I get it, and I would be pissed off if I were in your shoes too! But if you don't forgive him- if you can't forgive him- you will never forgive yourself, Derek!"
Derek heaved heavily as he stared at his sister.
"He didn't mean to put Bailey in any danger," Amelia's shoulders dropped as her voice softened, "He didn't mean to hurt you or Meredith as much as he did but he is carrying that burden."
"What if I'm not ready?" he swallowed as tears formed in his eyes, "She blames me and she's right. I can't- I put Bailey in that car, Amy. I let him- and I don't think I can forgive my-"
"This. Was not. Your fault," Amelia stepped forward as she gripped his face, "If you can't forgive yourself, how do expect her to forgive you?"
The lump in his throat was too much to swallow down and he couldn't hold anything anymore.
The dam burst.
She heard him. She could swear she faintly heard his voice somewhere outside.
"Momma, where' dad? Am I gonna be-" Bailey groaned again, "Momma it hurts."
"Hang on little guy, we're giving you medicine for the pain now," Alex tried his best to soothe him before he turned back to his friend, "Seriously, out, you need to find him now."
Meredith blinked before turning to his son, "I'm gonna go get him okay baby? I'll be right back."
Bailey groaned in some sort of acknowledgement before she stepped out of the room and spotted her husband.
"Where the hell have you been?" she blurted, "Did you just-?"
"Meredith he just got here" Maggie turned to her, "Owen got him as soon-"
"You knew and you didn't pull me out sooner?" Derek turned to Owen who had just arrived. He quickly met Meredith's eyes before turning back to Derek.
She told Owen to wait. To wait until Derek was ready and his hands were no longer on another child's brain. But now he was here. He was here and their son needed them.
"Derek!" Meredith reached for him. How she would tell him the news, she wasn't sure. She wasn't sure she could, "He- he, Derek my- Bai-our son's in there-"
"It's not Lucas?" Derek asked with a confused look.
Meredith froze. He knew Lucas was with Bailey. Derek knew Lucas was with Bailey.
"A car passed a red light and-"
"What the hell were you doing? Were you even paying attention?" Derek yelled at the source of the voice. Lucas blinked in surprise and fear as Derek asked again, "How the hell did you let this happen?"
The world seemed to stop around her. Everything was completely out of her hands. No matter how much control she could have, nothing was truly in her control. She didn't take notice when Derek lunged towards Lucas. Or when Maggie yelled at him. Or when Owen held him back. All she knew was that Bailey would need surgery.
Bailey needed his parents in the room. Her Bailey. Her kind, bright, smart, funny, charming Bailey. Her Bailey who was in a car accident.
"Get out," she heard Derek shout at Lucas.
It was like her body moved through the motions. She had no control except the knowledge she needed to get into the room, "Derek, Bailey is inside. We need to-"
"I trusted you with my son!" Derek continued yelling as he pulled away from Hunt, "You said you had him!"
Lucas tried to explain what happened but Meredith couldn't hear it. Not now.
"Hey!" Alex stepped out of the room and glared at Meredith. Then at Derek , "You and Mer better get in here. Your kid needs you!"
"Meredith?"
Derek's voice shook her from her memory. She stared at the door from the kitchen as he removed his coat and hung it near the door. His briefcase was lying carelessly on the floor.
"I asked you about Bailey. Did he feel like eating today?"
Meredith stared at him before shaking her head, "No. Not really. He uh, had some chicken soup but he wasn't really up for it."
Derek stared at her for a moment as Amelia's words rung in his ear. He wasn't the only one who needed to forgive himself. He could see she was berating herself- torturing herself over and over again. She was good at it, he knew that.
"I"m going to-"
"I need to talk to you outside-" He walked towards the french doors leading to the back porch.
Meredith sighed deeply from the hallway, "You know what Derek? I'm really tired and I have to go to bed early if I'm-"
"Meredith," he called towards her again. His eyes silently begged her to humor him.
She rolled her eyes and walked across the room and through the french doors as Derek closed the door behind them.
"I really am not in the mood, Derek," Meredith sighed, "If this is about this morning-"
"No, it's not," he closed the door behind him, "I get it, you need to blame someone and you blame me."
"Derek-"
"You are right! It's my fault. All of it, it's on me," Derek shouted, "Bailey, Lucas, all of it it's on me. I should've pushed for him to stay and not pick him up. It is on me."
"Are you seriously, seriously-"
"I'm not making myself a martyr," Derek shook his head as his voice cracked, "I've been going over it over and over again because I can't get through the fact that I-"
Meredith stared at him as tears formed in her eyes.
"Lucas heard Maggie and I fight over what you said before he left. I know someone else passed a read light and that was out of Lucas' hands but I shouldn't have let him get Bailey. I had the chance to hold him back and I let him go."
A dam burst. A flood of rage and anger burst through as she stomped towards him and pushed him, "I hate you!"
"I know," he nodded as she pushed him again, "I know."
"I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!" she cried out as her hands made contact with his chest. Over and over, and over again with each time she spat out the feeling gnawing at her on the insides. All of the pain, the hurt, the anger, the fear, it was all coming out in the spec of a moment like water bursting from a dam.
"I hate that I hate you," she cried out with one final blow where she finally let the pain melt away into a puddle of tears and all the energy was finally blown over as she melted down. He fists stayed curled into a ball against his chest. She did hate him. She did blame him. The truth was that she hated that this was out of her hands. That one small decision had changed the course of their lives and briefly paused it with fear hanging like a sword over their head. She hated him.
"I know you hate me," he whispered as he held her. His hand cradled the back of her head as she cried into his shirt, "I know."
Day 10 Post-Op
"Okay, I brought your homework and a few assignments that review where you left off in math, english, science and history. You're working on the fall of the Roman Empire. That was my favorite so I can help you come up with a cool project from home before you-"
"Zola-"
"I wanted to let you rest so I only brought the basics last week but now I know you where you left off in math. I had Mrs. Barton too and I got her to show me her long term plans for the next couple of days and can guess the rest of the week so-"
"Zo-"
"Bailey," she turned to him, "Just because you're home all day doesn't mean you get to miss out and fall behind."
Bailey stared at his sister, "Fine."
"Here," Zola gave him a few workbooks, "Review this and then I'll teach you what's next. I guess it's a good thing I'm a genius"
"Zola!"
"If you tell me to leave you alone, Bailey, I promise you-"
"Zo!" Bailey rolled his eyes, "I'm happy you're a genius or whatever."
Day 14 Post-Op
"Incision's healing nicely," Alex commented, "I think you're ready to go back to school. I don't want you doing any sports or any PE in school and there's also several restrictions you need to follow but I think we're getting closer to the finish line."
"Good, Zola's a genius but I miss school," Bailey sighed, "Don't tell her I said that."
"Yeah, let's not," Meredith chuckled.
After he finished his check up. Alex closed the door behind him with Meredith following him out, "You wanna tell me what's up with you?"
"What are you talking about?"
"You and Shepherd. You two are a set whenever one of the kids is in with something serious. He was here on his own for his first check up and now it's you. Is it the chief thing and the director thing? Are you guys super busy?"
"Alex-"
"Or are you two at each other's throats again?" Alex stared at her and watched as she rolled her eyes.
"My marriage is none of your-"
"Yeah except your child is my patient so it is my business," Alex gritted, "You two need to get it together. Whatever the hell it is cut it out."
"Did you say this to him too or is this just a 'yell at Meredith' thing?"
"You were the one lying in my bed all those years ago, remember? I don't want you in there again."
Day 20 Post-Op
"I'm breaking HIPPA right now you know that?" Owen released a long sigh as he walked into Derek's office, "You're gonna get me arrested."
"This is you asking for a consult from the neurosurgeon on call," Derek shook his head as he took the tablet, "My tablet ran out of battery so I'm looking at yours."
"Yeah, let's pretend this guy wasn't the one who hit-"
"Hunt," Derek warned.
"Does Grey know you've been doing this? Does she know you've been checking this guy's chart every day even though you were both locked out-"
This was checking in on the patient who was effectively brain dead.
"Meredith doesn't need to know everything Hunt-" Derek muttered as he scrolled through each scan.
Owen scoffed, "Yeah except she's the chief."
Derek looked up at Owen and shook his head, "His family is taking him off the vent? "
"Tonight," Owen sighed, "Brain activity has gradually decreased. They were hanging on to the very last thread of hope but… Derek, what's going on with you and Meredith?"
"I don't get myself involved in your marriage, do I Hunt?" Derek glared at him.
Owen shook his head, "If you don't make it right you're gonna lose her. And you'll never get her back."
Derek ignored him as he went through scan after scan. Over and over again.
"This was a lost cause since the day of the accident," Derek scrolled to each scan, "We were too late."
Owen watched as Derek opened the door and walked out of the room, unsure of who he was talking about.
"Daddy?"
"Yes, baby girl?," Derek turned to his youngest who had just run in from the hallway. He was sitting on the couch after helping Bailey into bed. He had finally returned to school but had arrived exhausted.
"Are you okay?" her green eyes blinked several times as she eyed him curiously, "You stopped building my treehouse."
Derek smiled tightly as he opened his arms to welcome her on the couch next to him, "We're just a little busy trying to get Bailey back on his feet again. I promised I'd finish it soon."
"Oh, okay," Ellis cuddled next to him as she wrapped one arm around him, "Are you and mom mad? Is it because I pushed Cassie off the swing?"
They'd received a phone call from her teacher that morning. Ellis had been upset at a classmate and had insisted it was her turn on the swing. She pushed her off the swing and proceeded to climb on the swing. Apparently, a teacher's assistant had seen the incident and tried to explain that Ellis wasn't right in pushing her. Ellis refused to apologize until her father had insisted she write an apology letter.
Derek shook his head as he felt his daughter tighten her arms around him, "Ellis, what you did in school wasn't right."
Ellis pushed away from him and sat on her knees. She pouted slightly as she looked at him, "I know. I'm sorry. I won't do it again."
Derek pushed her blonde hair back, "Are you feeling left out? You okay, Ellie-Belle?"
Ellis blinked once. Then again, "You and momma still love me right?"
Derek's heart dropped as his eyes softened. He pushed a stray strand behind her ear, much like he had done many a times to her own mother, "Ellis, we love you so much. So much."
Ellis couldn't help herself and lunged over until her arms wrapped around his neck. She tucked her head between his jaw and neck and squeezed tightly, like she was scared to let him go.
"I love you so much, Ellis," he whispered as he stroked her hair, "so much."
Meredith stood behind the sink as her daughters sat on the breakfast bar eating a late dinner. Derek and Bailey sat on the dining table each working on their own things. Bailey had some school work to catch up on. Derek had a case to work on and interns that needed assignments.
"Dad?"
He looked up across the table to his son, "Yeah Bails?"
"Why hasn't Lucas come to see me?"
Meredith peered over to the dining table awaiting an answer. This could go one of two ways. Either Derek told the truth or he could lie. She had a feeling what'd he do.
"He's uh," Derek blinked, "He's a little busy right now."
Meredith rolled her eyes. Lie. Of course he'd go with the lie.
"He was careful, Dad," Bailey mumbled, "I was talking a lot and he was trying to concentrate when-"
"Bailey?" Derek looked up concerned as Meredith turned to the table once more.
"Is it my fault?" Bailey asked nervously, "Is he not coming to see me because it was my fault? Did he leave because of me?"
Meredith could feel her insides freeze.
Bailey blamed himself Her Bailey. Her kind, bright, smart, funny, charming Bailey. Who had survived a car accident.
Derek leaned over and stared at his son's eyes- his blue eyes that matched his own, "Bailey, none of this is your fault. Not the accident, not Lucas moving. None of it is your fault."
Bailey swallowed as tears pricked in his eyes.
"I need you to say it, Bailey," Derek whispered, "I need you to believe- you need to know that this was not your fault."
Meredith watched the pair from a distance. She didn't notice when the tears spilled over and when her daughters had also turned to her brother.
"It's not my fault," Bailey whispered, "None of it is my fault."
Day 25 Post-Op
"You're quiet today."
Zola looked out of the window as her mother drove, "I'm just tired."
Meredith sighed and briefly turned to her daughter. She could tell something was wrong and her daughter wasn't being completely truthful, "Zola, I know you. You can tell me, you know?"
"I hate cars," Zola blurted, "I hate them and I hate people who aren't careful in them. I hate that people don't care and are wreckless and that innocent people get in accidents. I hate it, I hate it."
Meredith didn't know what to reply. She turned to the passenger seat and reached to hold her daughter's hand as she pulled over to the nearest parking spot she could find. She turned the engine off and squeezed Zola's hand again.
"Zo, I'm so sorry," Meredith whispered, "I know it was scary to find out about Bailey and to see him in the hospital. I know it was a lot."
"Why do bad things happen to us?" Zola asked, "Why do we always go through bad things? First dad, then you, then these stupid panic attacks and then Bailey. Why is it always us?"
Meredith sighed, "I don't know, love bug. I wish I could tell you why but I don't know."
She watched as her daughter fiddled with the skin around her fingers. Bailey's accident had affected her anxiety and she was doing her best just like the rest of them.
"I just wish we could run away from all the bad things that happen," Zola sniffed, "I hate that bad things always happen to us. It isn't fair!"
"It's not," Meredith shook her head, "I ask myself that a lot. And I get scared. And sometimes I just want to run and hide."
"Why don't we? Why don't we just run away?"
Meredith tightly pressed her lips together, regretting her confession to her daughter, "I don't know. But I know that I can't always control everything. So I go through all my feelings as best as I can."
"You sound like Dr. Williams," Zola muttered as she looked down. Dr. Williams had been her therapist for some time now. She had helped tremendously but the teenage years had also creeped in.
"Well my therapist also said that some time ago so," Meredith slightly chuckled, "It's hard honey, I know this isn't easy but I've got you. You're dad and I got you."
Zola slightly grinned before turning to her mom again, "Do you think it's gonna get better? Do you think the bad things will stop?"
Meredith blinked.
"I hope so, Zo. I really hope so."
Day 30 Post-Op
"Come in," Meredith called out from her desk.
Meredith looked up as Derek closed the door behind him. Things had been tense to say the least since her outburst. Since he confessed he blamed himself. Their conversations were quick and to the point. The silent agreement of switching days off for Bailey's sake had come to an end and they'd been working in the hospital at the same time for the first time today.
She stood and walked towards the front of her desk as she stuffed her hands into the pocket of her trousers nervously, "Hey, what's wrong?"
"Just came in to tell you I'm headed home," he shook his head as he awkwardly stood in front of her, "Did you need anything before I head out?"
Meredith scratched the back of her head and released a long sigh, "You're leaving already? It's pretty early-"
"I finished early and the interns are all on cases," he took a step forward, "Listen, um, I wanted to talk to you-"
"Good, because I wanted to talk-"
"I think I need to take a few days off," he finished, "With everything going on, the kids need one of us at home and I can let Hunt take over as Interim Director or um permanently if it's-."
Meredith blinked, "Wait, are you suggesting that he take over permanently? Because of what happened with Lucas?"
"No," Derek scoffed, "It's not about that at all-"
"Because I do trust you as the director of this program-"
"Meredith," Derek rubbed the bridge of his nose, "I don't want to fight about this tonight."
"Neither do I. And we shouldn't," she shook her head, "I'm chief and I don't owe you an explanation. I trust you as the director but I also have a staff that trusts me and I need to maintain that trust."
"I get it," he looked at her and sighed, "You're right, I'm sorry. I overstepped. You're the chief, you made the right call. You have a staff that needs to trust you and Maggie came to you as an attending not your sister."
Meredith sighed as she bit her lip.
"I didn't ever mean to imply you needed to choose your job or being a mother- I know you've made sacrifices for both and I know you're the best at both. You're a good chief. You don't hesitate and we trust you- I trust you," he continued, "Not just as the chief but as my wife and the mother of our kids."
Trust. They'd come a long way with that. And yet it was still so fragile as if it were glass that could shatter into a million pieces
Our kids wouldn't be as good as they are if it weren't for you. You keep it together when I can't and I-"
Meredith watched as he sighed deeply. She swallowed as she let him speak.
"Meredith I was angry. I'm sorry."
Meredith kept her eyes on him. He too was part of the staff that trusted her and sometimes their marriage got in the way of it. Sometimes it complicated it, "I wasn't going to do anything until I was sure that what Pierce said had any justification at all."
"Mer-"
Meredith stuffed her hands into the pockets of her dress pants, "Derek, he's a little behind but he does show promise."
"He does," Derek agreed, "But he's not ready for some of the complex procedures Maggie does. I'm not easy on him. I know his limits. Richard did that with all of us. You know that."
"I do," Meredith sighed, "But he also gave us a chance to prove we can. And he needs that. He can't stay in your shadow or in Amy's. And that's where he's at right now. Under the Shepherd shadow that you and all your sisters created. And if he stays there, he will resent you."
Derek crossed his arms and sighed heavily.
"I resented my mother for it for years," Meredith whispered, "He's a smart kid, and he has what it takes. I told you, he needs a-"
"Push. And a chance. I know. I remember," Derek quietly muttered as he stepped backwards until he reached the armrest of the black couch. He sat against it and looked towards the floor before speaking up again, "I'm not taking the days because of him. I am thinking about our kids I promise."
"I know you are," Meredith stepped forward and ran her fingers through his hair, "But I know us working together it's never been easy and if you want- I mean I don't want you to but if you really need to step down, I get it. I do."
She swallowed before speaking again, "I thought about pulling you out of the surgery, I promise I did, but I didn't want to- I didn't want to cause any mistakes and I was on auto-pilot. But you are his dad and you should've-"
"Meredith-"
"I froze. All I could think-over and over again- was that Bailey had been in a car accident. It kept playing in my head over and over and I just froze."
"You never freeze," Derek furrowed his brows, "But I saw how you froze this time and I saw you try to move forward. I knew you blamed me and I-"
"It was not your fault, and I was wrong for blaming you," Meredith swallowed, "What happened to our son was not on you. Or Lucas."
Derek shook his head. She could try to say it over and over again, but it wouldn't fully shake the guilt he felt.
As they stared each other for a moment, Derek pulled his wife closer until they were pressed together. She stood between his legs and leaned against him as he gently pressed his lips on her collarbone. He rested his head against her shoulder as his hands soothingly rubbing her back as she pressed her cheek on his side. Her fingers tangled in his hair.
"Hating you is exhausting," she mumbled against him.
"I know," he whispered back.
"I still love you though," she mumbled again, "I promised I would love you."
"Even when you hate me," he mumbled back.
"Even when I hate you," she retorted with a slight breathy chuckle.
Suddenly, the weight of the past month settled once more. Suddenly she'd come to a full realization that time wasn't frozen anymore. Not now.
"Bailey was in a car accident," she whispered against him.
Derek's breath hitched, "Bailey was in a car accident."
"But he's okay," she whispered as a lump formed in her throat as she finally…finally let the tears freely flow and the sobs overwhelm her. Releasing all the pain, fear, and suffering for the last few weeks.
Derek tightened his hold as he finally consoled his wife, "He's okay."
And he was. Her Bailey. Her kind, bright, smart, funny, charming Bailey. Who had survived a car accident, was okay.
A/N: Hello again!
I really wanted you to feel how frozen Meredith felt and how guilty Derek felt. And how isolated they both felt. I think that as parents it's so much easier to blame each other in a crisis because of the high emotions that come with it. And these two have a terrible history with high emotions. I also didn't want to spend so much time on a recovery and did do research on this- hopefully did it justice but it's Grey's so... yeah. It wasn't just Bailey's recovery, it was a recovery and breakdown of their family.
We're starting to see how every trauma, every accident, every significant event, is truly causing some sort of trauma in each of their kids. With Bailey, this accident has shaken him because his newly found partner in crime suddenly disappeared and the stability he had in life has shifted. Ellis' confidence is shaken with so much going on with her siblings. And Zola is practically speaking for all of us when she desperately asks "Why us?" And as parents, our favorite couple have to find a way to navigate it all. And for Derek, it starts with making things right with himself. For Meredith, it's letting go of the guilt she feels that she's a working mother (which you know what, it's complicated and at one point Grey's was fantastic at showing the dimensions of it *cough* that one episode in season 9 *cough*).
Please forgive the lack of weekly updates. I really want to flesh out these chapter and there's just so much going on right now. Please don't forget to review! They truly help me and I love reading your thoughts. You could also find me on twitter at cindersandother!