Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own Naruto or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding Key Through the Heart (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.

I had only ever had one hangover before in my life, and it was a fairly mild one. Considering the stuff my brain gets up to on benign substances like Crystal Light or more oxygen than usual, and the medications I've been on for depression, I am not particularly eager to turn my brain into a children's chemistry playset.

My Other had no such maladies, but also drank sparingly. A family history of destructive alcoholism had only stopped with our father, and we had no intention of starting it back up again.

So, suffice it to say, I was expecting to wake up in head-splitting agony.

I did, but it wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be. The very warm, soft person against me in my bed certainly helped.

Wait, what?

"Hnnngh..."

I opened my eyes. The sight of a very asleep, very naked Anko greeted me. Her cheek rested against my chest, and she was drooling onto my skin.

I stared in total and complete shock for about a minute. Inside, my mind waged war as it sought out an appropriate response.

YES! YES! YES! YES! AWESOME! WOO HOO! I AM THE MAN! I AM THE MAAAAN!

My libido's response was... Not helpful.

Marry her right now you pervert!

My inner, extremely order-oriented prude wasn't much help either.

Don't you dare move! She might kill and eat you!

And my inner spider instincts were also not very helpful.

Biology called, ending the debate. As slowly and carefully as I could, I tried to slide out of Anko's embrace. She tightened her grip immediately, humming softly in her sleep.

D'oh...

I tried to move again, but she clung on even more tightly. I have to admit, it was seeming less attractive to leave. Especially as some memories came to light.

And no, I'm not going into detail about that.

I formed handseals.

"Kage Bunshin no Jutsu," I muttered. A perfect (and naked) clone of myself appeared next to the bed. I formed another set, and as quickly as I could, replaced myself with my clone. Anko sighed softly and wrapped her legs around my copy, who did not look in the least bit unhappy.

My jealousy died in the fires of logic-After all, how could I be jealous of myself?

I stumbled over to the bathroom, a bit too late realizing how sore I felt all over. As I looked in the mirror, I noted that a ridiculously silly grin was on my face. I couldn't really argue with the emotions.

It was just so disconnected, so... Unreal. I was still processing everything. I decided to try and relax a little with a shower, and not disrupt this feeling of euphoria with excess thinking.

The world, however, had other plans.

"Yo."

"GAH!" I spun around, pulling a kunai from the shower head. I growled angrily when I saw that it was Kakashi, sitting in the window with a cheerful smile.

"Nice night?" He asked. I narrowed my eyes.

"It was, actually."

"Good, good..."

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"Well, the Hokage told me to personally bring you a message, but I got a bit sidetracked... And you were, of course, busy..."

I managed to keep from blushing at that.

"So! The message is here now." He handed the scroll over.

"What is it?"

"Do you believe I would violate your privacy?"

I looked intently at him. He shrugged.

"Your sensei tried to escape last night... He was asking for you."

It was as if the entire universe turned freezing cold. My jaw was set, my expression stony.

"I see..." I sighed. "I'll take care of it after I see to my team."

"Your prerogative, Tsume-sensei," Kakashi said. He nodded lightly. "I'll be in touch." He leapt out the window, leaving me to watch him go with a sigh.

Well... Could have been worse. He could have come in last night. Thank God there was a kind of Guy Code around here.

As I made my way to Naruto's apartment, I fought the feeling of imminent doom. I doubted that my team (and boy, was that going to take some getting used to) had killed eachother. Even they weren't that stupid, and Kokubogumo would keep them from causing significant harm to eachother.

I expected them to still be squabbling, or just miserable in general... The smell of cooking breakfast and the sounds of some bantering, however, made me reconsider my earlier assessment.

"Stop pushing Naruto!"

"Well stop pulling! I can't cook like this!"

"Sakura, damnit, I need my hand..."

Kokubogumo was sticking to the ceiling above, casually knitting a sweater. I had been forced to make my own clothing during the year on the Spider Plane, and the old spider had taken to it as a hobby. She looked down at me with the spider equivalent of a smirk.

"The young do not always do as you might expect," she commented. I smirked back and nodded.

"You didn't have to bite any of them, did you?"

"Only once," she admitted. "After that, they quieted down."

I nodded again, before peeking into the kitchen.

Team 7 was crowded around the stove, still bound by their wrists. However, Sasuke was cooking up tomatoes and what looked like some fish, while Sakura worked on chopping some fruit. And on the other side, Naruto was tending to rice.

"Naruto, can you pass me the salt?"

"Salt? What do you need salt for Sakura-chan?"

"It keeps the fruit from going brown... Thanks..."

"Are you done yet bastard?"

"Almost, dead last. And stop asking me every five minutes!"

"Yeah yeah... You know, for 'rookie of the year', you sure cook slowly..."

"I could always use a Katon jutsu-"

"If you do I'll break your arm, swear to God!"

"Would you two stop arguing? I'm almost done...!"

I climbed up onto the ceiling, and watched silently as my pupils put together their breakfast, and with some considerable coordination, got it over to the table. I was smirking at the start, but now I was smiling.

"Itakamasu...!" Naruto cried before eagerly digging in. Sakura rolled her eyes.

"You helped make it, you know... You don't have to thank everyone..."

Sasuke smirked a little.

"At least he's taking the time to bother... Show a little gratitude..."

"Bite me bastard... The meal's mostly thanks to me!" Naruto snarked back.

"Oh yeah?"

"It's my kitchen..."

"Which you didn't even know how to use without us."

"Go to hell, Bastard!"

"Already there, Deadlast."

Sakura, having lost her patience, picked up a wooden spoon and whacked both boys over the head.

"OW!"

"Gah!"

Sakura shook her head with a sigh. "Can you please just eat? Sensei's going to be making us go through more training, and I want to have all the energy I need!"

"What happened to 'being thin for Sasuke-kun'?" Naruto smirked back. "OW!"

"I'll have you know, Sasuke-kun admitted he likes girls with curves," Sakura huffed with a blush. Sasuke bowed his head and grumbled.

"I did no such thing..."

"Yes you did!"

"HA! Call me a pervert, will you?"

I dropped down and cleared my throat. All my students started and looked back at me. Surprise turned to deathglares. I smiled brightly back.

"Good morning Team 7... Gotta say, I'm really impressed..."

"You're late!" Sakura bellowed.

"YEAH!" Naruto growled.

"No, I'm right on time," I said. I made a few handseals, and spat three quick shots of a natural solvent. The silk bonds dissolved.

"Huh?" Naruto asked. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"You've passed my test," I replied cheerfully. The three expressions of shock on their faces was great to see, even though Sasuke recovered first.

"But... Wait... What was the test?" Naruto asked.

"You didn't kill each other, and you're working well together to make breakfast and make the best out of a bad situation," I said cheerfully. "It's not just blowing stuff up together, it's living together that makes the best ninja."

My pride was in no way feigned. I had thought that the brats would, at best, still be alive... But I could pick up on a real bond between them all, forged in suffering. And really, aren't those the best kinds?

"So, we start missions tomorrow... Unless you'd like to start one now?" I asked.

The trio looked at eachother, and looked back at me.

"No way," Sasuke said flatly. "I need a shower."

"Me too! I mean... Where the hell were you?" Sakura demanded.

"It's been two days!" Naruto snarled.

I stared in disbelief. My internal clock was usually pretty on-spot... On the other hand, I hadn't spent two days screwing Anko Mitarashi before, had I?

Kokubogumo laughed behind me, and I coughed in embarassment.

"... Secret ninja mission... Anyway... One day of rest, and then, missions. That work for everyone?"

Unanimous nods. I turned to go.

"By the way, Sensei," Naruto called. "We're gonna get you back for this."

I smirked a little. "I know..."

Well... It was better than having to go see my old sensei.

Speaking of which...

Interestingly enough, Konoha's ninja prison was pretty much as it was portrayed in the filler episodes of the anime-Placed on a large rock outcropping over an active volcano. The rock bridge was rigged up with explosive seals, which, if detonated, would send the whole thing into the volcano below, along with it's (presumably) rioting and out of control inmates. You can't say they hadn't prepared for a worst case scenario.

The prison itself looked pretty much like you'd expect a prison to look like-boxy, drab, and ominous. The air was thin, and it was only due to some kind of intricate sealwork on the outside and inside that you could breath easy.

Into this dark pit of despair and horror I went... However, I didn't go alone.

"Sensei, um... May I ask why we were brought along?" Sakura asked. I shrugged a little as we walked through the corridors of the prison, led by one of the guards. Naruto and Sasuke too looked curious.

"It's just a quick stop, then missions," I said.

"Who are we visiting, anyway?" Naruto asked.

The guard opened a steel barred gate ahead of us, and we entered the visitor's area. Tables were set up all over, and other inmates watched from behind bars some distance away. I made out a shock of silver hair, and my memories and those of my Other came into alignment.

"It'll be a bit, have to clear a path," our guard said. "Wait here." He walked to a door on the far side of the room, ignoring the inmates out and talking to loved ones, solicitors, children...

Naruto's eyes narrowed as he too caught sight of the inmate I had, who was now staring intently at us. I walked up to him, hands in my pockets, my students following. Sakura stared in some disbelief, while Sasuke looked indifferent.

"Hey... Tsume-sempai," Mizuki said with a smirk.

"Mizuki," I returned politely.

"Mizuki," Naruto growled. Mizuki sneered at my blonde student.

"You should be in here, you know..."

"Funny, which one of us is the traitor?" Naruto shot back. I rested a hand on Naruto's shoulder, and gave him a look. The blonde scowled, but kept his mouth shut.

"You know, he is a demon... The Kyuubi himself... He'll kill you in your sleep and dance the night away in your blood!" Mizuki grinned. "Haven't you told them, Tsume-sempai? Or do you think it can learn to pretend better?"

Naruto clenched his fists, and looked to the side. Sasuke and Sakura looked confused. I decided to nip this in the bud, quickly.

"Naruto is my student," I returned quietly. "He's a ninja of Konoha. And that's all that matters..." I looked intently at the smirking man. "Tsubaki hasn't spoken to me in a while... She was supposed to visit you. Did she?"

"I didn't come! I didn't see her!" Mizuki laughed. "I don't need her, I don't need anything!"

"All right, that's enough out of you," a guard stated flatly. "Your time is up, Mizuki!"

The silver-haired chuunin shook his head, still smirking.

"Well... Goodbye, Mizuki," I said.

"Go to hell, sempai, and take your demon with you," Mizuki shot back, as he was led away.

Sakura's gaze went back and forth between myself and Naruto. I held up a hand to forestall her questions.

"It's something Naruto will tell you... When he's ready, not before," I said. Naruto looked up at me, confusion giving way to a small, thankful smile.

"Mizuki-sensei seemed so different... What happened to him?" Sakura asked.

"That's... Also a long story," I said. Sasuke grunted, and the guard arrived.

"Okay... We're ready." He looked at Team 7 carefully.

"Sure you want them coming with you?"

No. "Yeah."

"All right then," the guard replied, uncertainty heavy in his voice. "Come on..."

We headed through the side-door, and went through a long series of twisting, turning corridors. They were dark, the air pressure and heat making them stifling and a sweat broke out on our brows. Each degree of decline made it seem we were descending further and further into the pits of Hell.

Through barred doors and steel plated vaults we made our way, until we reached the bottom level. Insane cackling coudl be heard through the walls from one sealed cell-Intense killing intent was felt from another.

We stopped at a cell with heavily reinforced steel bars, over which was a metal mesh charged with chakra energy. I stood in silence, closest to the cell. I couldn't blame my students or the guard-I wanted to stand as far away as possible.

The dark cell was poorly lit, but it was enough to see the webbing that covered it from ceiling to floor, a mess of cobwebs that seemed a visual metaphor for the occupant's own mind. In the center of the mess sat a dark shape, not man, not spider... But a horrific mixture of both.

"Hello... Andoryuu," the monster greeted, mandibles clicking audibly in the dark interior. "Hmmm... Such young, young visitors I have today..."

I inclined my head only slightly.

"Sensei..."

Minamoto Sanbu... Or what was left of him. My Other felt horror, betrayal, revulsion, and an intense fear of this... Thing. A man who had survived a whole year in a world filled with giant, sentient spiders, and this creature was the thing he was the most afraid of.

Here, my memories were of more help than they had been previously. We may have been the same in many ways, but there was still a difference, a separation in identity. My world was filled with monsters, just as his was-Mine were simply less literal, clothed in flesh. They didn't have the decency to show what they really were.

More than that though... I had met people like this man. Seen them broken and destroyed and twisted into something horrible. I couldn't help the pity in my heart, and it was that emotion that kept Andoryu focused.

"Been a while," the Sanbu monster commented softly. The shadows of the cell were intersected by sharper shadows. I felt Sakura shake a little, and I took a step closer to the bars.

"Yes..."

The Sanbu monster stepped forward as well, and half of his face was illuminated in the dull light. His skin was hairy and scaled, and his cheek existed only as a few remaining strands of flesh. His lower jaw protruded grotesquely, a cruel, curved fang flexing slightly. His eye was probably the worst part though-Two small, black eyes dotted the eye's east and south cardinal points, his original... Absolutely untouched. There was recognition in that eye, and my Other's memories recounted so many, many times when that brown eye was winking in a playful joke, crinkled in laughter, wide in surprise, soft in affection and pride...

Naruto turned away, and Sakura gasped. Again, I couldn't blame them. My stoicism was only the result of long years of training.

"Don't be afraid, child," the creature hissed, some strange mouthparts behind his transformed jaw facilitating human speech. "It's perfectly safe in here... I'm behind these bars... I will not hurt you..."

His human eye darted about quickly, and the shadows trembled. He regained himself after his fit, and locked his gaze upon me.

"You are a sensei yourself... You should be proud."

"... I am," I said softly.

"I wonder though... Will you do for them... What I did for you?" The Sanbu monster inquired. His eye zipped back and forth, studying my students in close detail. Sasuke flinched. Sakura kept her eyes averted, her fists and teeth clenched. And Naruto... Naruto stared in silent horror, unable to look away.

"... I'll make them strong ninja, Sensei," I said carefully. "It's my duty."

"Tell me though, Andoryuu... Will you love them?" The Sanbu Monster asked. "Will you... Cherish them?" He tilted his head, more of his misshaped jaw visible in the dim light. "As I did you?"

"I'll keep them safe, Sensei," I said, my words even and monotone. "I'll teach them well."

"Ah, but that... That... That is the question, isn't it, Andoryuu?"

The monster turned, giving us only a flash of his full form. For that I was thankful-Sakura probably couldn't handle it. Not that I could blame her-If I was her age, I don't think I could.

"All the preparation in the world... None of it can keep us safe. Keep our loved ones safe..."

I blurted out the first words to come to mind.

"It wasn't your fault."

Silence. My Other's memories immediately told me that was a mistake.

"Oh... Ohhh... That is what they tell me. Day in and day out, they told me, told me, told me!" The Sanbu monster hissed, the shadows tense around him. "Over and over, hoping to replace the Truth..." He turned his head completely around, and Sakura, who had dared to look again, grabbed onto the arm of the nearest male and tried to hide her face in his chest.

"But we both know the Truth, Andoryuu, we both do..." The monster moved back, his locomotion a strange mix of a spider's scuttle and a man's walk. "After all, it is why you survived..."

I was silent for a moment. The Sanbu monster's mouthparts clicked.

"Yes yes... I am right... I am right! Hahaha... They tell me I am wrong, but you... All three, you stand and live and breath, and they don't. So really, why am I in here? Why am I in here for being right, my student?"

"You wanted us to be strong, Sensei... And we are," I said quietly. "Strength, however... It comes with a price. It always does." I managed to fix my gaze into his. "This... This came with too high of a price."

"So you do not see the Truth either... Pity... You were my favorite student."

"We were all your favorites, Sensei," I said softly. "You said so yourself."

"Hahahaha! So I did, so I did! I told you... I told you... But it does not change things... I was right." He moved then, slammed right up against the bars. Sakura screamed, and the guard moved forward with a cattleprod.

I took in the tangled mess of my sensei in an instant, before the electricity ran through the metal and the prisoner was forced back with a cry.

He shuddered, the various legs protruding from so many places on his body, the carapace only partially formed out of his ribs and other bones either fully out of his skin, or straining against it-It was all visible, a twisted mockery of nature. I could probably expect a lot of nightmares. After all... It wasn't the first time I'd seen him like this, and those nightmares still came.

He looked back at me, the pain forgotten.

"I was right... But clearly, that is a subject for another day," he hissed. "You didn't come here for that... Nonono."

"Why did you try to escape?" I asked.

My sensei giggled. "Escape? Me? Why? Why escape, I ask you? What need have I?" He crawled up the wall, settling upon the ceiling and curling into a ball.

"I have no need... I am secure." He bent his head and looked at me again. "It was so nice to see you again, my student... Bring Ayumi and Jiro next time, won't you?" He bowed his head, and the horrible mess of my sensei cloaked itself in darkness, only his spider eyes still open, still watching.

I slowly nodded, and turned to my students. Sakura was a trembling wreck, Naruto looked ready to be sick, and Sasuke, well, looked like he might have his first bowel movement in years.

"We're leaving," I said. Their relief was palpable, but they still watched their backs as they left the cell. I lingered a moment longer, staring into those pitiless black eyes, before I turned to follow.

I hadn't learned anything... Anything useful, anyway... So why had he sent for me? It wasn't an anniversary... Any kind. It wasn't a birthday...

So why? I didn't know. The trip out of the prison was in silence, and nobody broke it until we got past the guards on the bridge.

"Sensei... What the fuck was that?!" Naruto exclaimed. I sighed, and closed my eyes tightly.

"... It's... Another long story," I said. I snorted ruefully. "It's another little thing about what we do."

"... I think we deserve to hear it," Sasuke said flatly.

"I... I'd be fine not knowing..." Sakura offered. She gulped at Sasuke's look, and quickly recanted. "B-But if Sasuke-kun wants to know..."

I nodded. "All right then... I'll tell you... Later. I don't think any of us can handle it right now."

"B-But Sensei, back there, you... You didn't even flinch!" Sakura insisted.

"Yeah! You just stood there, cool as ice! How'd you do it? Was it some kind of jutsu?" Naruto asked. I sighed, and raised up a hand to them. They stared at it, until realization flashed in their eyes when they saw it shaking.

I smiled wryly. "No... But it's a useful thing to practice..."