Derek should have known that as soon as he walked into the room, he'd be entering war fire. He sighed at the sight in front of him. Never in their lives had they been so upset at each other that they had reached this point of finger pointing and blaming.
"You didn't say anything Zola! You said it was a school here in Seattle!"
"No one is telling you to move Bailey! Besides you said you would have my back!"
Derek shook his head, "Alright, enough! The both of you! What has gotten into you? Since when do you two yell at each other this way?"
The sounds of their yells blaming each other drowned out everything.
"I said enough!" Derek scolded, "Bailey, your sister didn't say anything because your mom and I asked her not to-"
"That's not fair! I'm on a soccer team! I have school and my friends and Lucas-"
"Who doesn't even want to talk to you anymore!" Zola scoffed, "He hasn't even stopped by-"
"Zola!" Derek cut her off, "That is not on Bailey and it's not fair. That is my fault. Lucas hasn't stopped by because of me."
"You told him not to visit me?" Bailey's eyes widened.
"I never said that. No one did," Derek swallowed. This was getting worse. Far more worse.
"You still should have told me!" Bailey yelled, "I never get told anything and I'm always the last to know. It's not fair Zola gets to choose everything-"
"It's not fair? Do you think I want to have these panic attacks? Do you think I want to move away from everyone?"
"Yes! Because you love being Mom and Dad's favorite-"
"That's not true!"
"Both of you cut it out!" Derek tried again to no avail.
"I don't care anymore Zola," Bailey turned to his father with a furious look. Derek recognized it. It was far too similar to his own, "You lied to me! About everything!"
He ran to his room and slammed the door leaving his older sister and father standing alone.
"Zo-"
"I told you this would happen," Zola whispered. Derek could see that tears had formed in her eyes and she was trying not to let them fall, "Now my brother and my sister hate me."
She ran off.
"Momma, how much do you love me?"
Meredith smiled as she shook her head. The girl may look like a Grey but sometimes she proved just how much of a Shepherd she was.
"I love you to the moon and back over and over and over again," Meredith glanced to the rearview mirror where the giddy five year old kicked her small legs happily.
"That's a lot," Ellis giggled, "Mama, what if they don't like me?"
"Ellie," Meredith scoffed lightly, "They will like you. You are a bright, beautiful, and an incredibly kind little girl."
"I'm not smart like Zo or B," Ellis frowned. She held on to her doll tightly as she looked out of the window.
"Yes you are," Meredith pulled into the parking lot and turned back, "You know Daddy said he'd meet us, do you see his car anywhere?"
Ellis perked up and searched out the window. She recognized the figure approaching the car and gleefully squirmed, "I see him! I see him! He's coming!"
Meredith giggled as she unbuckled her seatbelt and stepped out of the car, "Hey!"
"Hey," Derek smiled brightly, "I made it. I'm still in scrubs but I made it."
Meredith laughed, "Amy wouldn't switch shifts?"
He'd been stuck on call and had intended on switching with his sister- who was going through whatever the hell was still going on between herself and Owen. Or Wilson's friend. She couldn't keep up anymore.
Derek shook his head as he leaned down to quickly peck her lips, "She conveniently forgot. How mad is the general at me?"
"Not at all, she always forgives you. But she has first day jitters," Meredith shuddered at the chilly breeze, "And I haven't felt this nervous since we dropped off Zo. This is worse than when B started kinder."
"We've done this before," he whispered, "Zola practically let go of our hand as soon as we stepped into the classroom and Bailey was fine. After he cried. But he was fine."
"Yes but Ellis has- is- ," Meredith shrugged, "I don't know, I-I just- I'm not-"
Meredith swallowed a lump as she peered through the window towards the young girl. She was muttering to herself playing with the doll she insisted on carrying around.
"I don't know if I'm ready to let her grow up," Meredith whispered as she looked back to her husband, "I know, I know, I hear it and it sounds stupid doesn't it?"
Derek shook his head, "No. It doesn't. I don't think I'm ready either."
He reached to gently press her lips on her forehead before circling to the back seat and opened the door, "Is the big girl ready for her first day of school?"
Ellis jumped off her seat and straight into his arms. She'd long learned how to wiggle her way off the seat, "Daddy!"
Derek laughed as he helped her off the car and grabbed her backpack. The trio walked into the building until they reached the crowd of other forehead parents.
She shouldn't have felt so nervous. She'd done this twice already and her other two loved school. She knew Ellis' curious mind would be no different at all. And if she had inherited anything from her father, it was her never ending charm and ability to woo over people to her side. Her teacher had no chance.
She paused for a moment and watched the father daughter duo walk together hand in hand. This was her youngest. Her baby. Her clone- according to her father. The baby Derek wanted so much and she miraculously was able to have. The light at the end of the tunnel.
Soon, she wouldn't be dropping her off at kindergarten. She'd be off to grade school, high school and soon enough college. Time wouldn't be kind and who knew if she would even remember any of this down the road.
"Momma!" Ellis called out. She held out her hand towards her, inviting her to join them.
Meredith grinned and made her way to the pair. Her hand enveloped her daughter's and together they stepped into the unknown.
"Are you ready to talk yet?"
"No," Ellis quickly answered.
"Well are you cold?" Meredith tried again as she ran her hands up and down her arms.
"No!"
She was. Meredith could tell by the slight shudder in her voice but she wouldn't budge. The stubborn tiny Grey wouldn't budge.
"Okay," Meredith whispered as she rubbed her hands together, "Well we've been here for a long time, baby, you need to come down soon."
"I'm not coming down!"
She could try to scare her off but Ellis was rarely scared of anything. She was fearless and braver than anyone she knew.
Meredith looked up at the sky and saw the clouds gather once more. She'd get sick if they were caught in the rain. And Ellis sick was a nightmare. Once minute she could be a cuddle monster and the next a complete terror crying that her throat itched.
"Well it's looking like it's about to rain," Meredith tried again, "You're gonna get a cold. And you'll miss school. You won't see-"
"I don't care," Ellis grumbled, "You don't care and neither does Dad."
Meredith sighed. There it was. The feeling her daughter was going through, "Is that what you're feeling? You think we don't care?"
No sound came from the wooden foundations.
"Ellis," Meredith sighed, "I'm sorry you feel like we don't care about you. That's not something you should ever, ever feel. Because Daddy and I love you and we care about you so much."
No one in the tree answered except the silence in the trees, "I love to the moon and back over and over and over again, remember?"
Ellis wouldn't talk. She knew her daughter better than that. Tantrums meant she'd yell at the world until it heard her. And she was used to it, she was. Meredith had thought she'd outgrown them and had blamed Derek till the bitter end.
But this wasn't a tantrum. And she wasn't yelling. She had gone silent. Completely silent.
"Okay, I get you don't want to talk about it right now," she conceded, "But can we please go back inside? I don't want you to get sick."
There was a beat of silence. And slowly, the sounds of someone coming down the makeshift latter were heard.
"How the hell did this happen?" Derek asked as he sat on on his side of the bed clad in pijamas, "Our weekend had gone perfectly. This morning everyone was fine. How the hell did this happen?"
"I don't know," Meredith pressed her phone and threw it on her nightstand before joining him and crossing her arms. They both sat up and leaned against the headboard,
She sighed deeply again, "She wasn't just feeling left out, Derek. She heard us, I don't know when but she heard us talking about schools and-"
"Zola blames me. Bailey blames me," he whispered.
"Ellis thinks we don't care about her," Meredith whispered back, "Our kids are really just"
"Yeah," Derek nodded solemnly, "They were at each other's face and being mean to each other. Like when Amy and I-"
"Like me with Lexie and Maggie," Meredith frowned.
The silence lingered between them as they processed the chaos of the night.
"We should go to sleep," he squeezed her hand, "They got school tomorrow maybe that'll-"
"Give them some space," Meredith finished for him, "That's never worked well for either of us. Space just makes the problem bigger and-"
"I know," he whispered.
The pair reached over to their respective night stands and shut the lights off. She furthered down into the bed until she felt his arm embrace her. The coldness of the outside seemed to ever so briefly go away.
"I was Ellie," she whispered into the darkness, "I ran and I hid from all my feelings when I was a kid because no one would listen to me. Ellis didn't understand me. I shoved them all down and ignored them."
Derek blinked into the darkness as he listened, "She wasn't the comforting type whenever I fell and scraped my knee. She never scared away monsters or told me she'd pick me up whenever. And when she took me away to Boston, I didn't know why. I didn't understand."
"Meredith-?"
"I get that she left because of Richard- I do, I get wanting to just," she swallowed, unwilling to finish the sentence, "But I don't get how- why she would,"
She sighed again before whispering, "We left without a word. And I stayed quiet. I never said anything, it's why I left the doll when we fled to Boston. I kept my feelings to myself because if I didn't, I was weak. I was ordinary."
Derek pressed his lips against her shoulder and rubbed it lightly.
"I never told her when I was scared or when I was nervous," she continued, "I never said anything because she wasn't always there. And I try, I try to be there and to show my girls -and Bailey- that I am there and that I'm also my own person and that I love what I do but sometimes it feels like I just can't do it anymore."
"I can't give my all to everything without dropping the ball somewhere and that sucks."
Derek knew how hard it was for her to find the words that truly expressed what she felt. He knew that from the days when they were first sleeping together. She wasn't one for talking about things- as much as he wanted- she wasn't one to constantly talk about it. And the first time she'd been so open, so vulnerable, he broke her heart.
But now, here she was. Confessing her darkest feelings.
"And saying that out loud is just-," She sighed as she nodded her head.
"It's human Meredith," he whispered as he kissed her shoulder again, "We're not supposed to feel fine all the time."
"And I don't want them to feel that it's okay to just- I-I don't want her to do what I did. Or Zola. Or Bailey," she whispered again, "I don't want them to suppress their emotions and not-"
She released a heavy sigh and reached for his hand. Her fingers tangled along his, holding on to him tightly, "I don't want her to shut me out. And I don't want to shut any of them out."
"How did you get Ellie off the tree?"
Meredith blinked, "I waited for her. I sat there on the freezing ground waiting for her to be ready. And when she was, she came down."
She could feel him nod, "You are always there for our kids. I know that- they know that. You could never shut them out."
"Hey you got a minute?"
Derek looked up from his papers to the voice at the door, "Yeah."
"Can you check this out?" Maggie passed him the tablet in her hands and stood awkwardly at the door, "I tried to look for Amelia but-"
"It should absorb itself," Derek muttered as he handed back the tablet to her, "I'll have an intern run more scans."
Maggie nodded before turning back.
"Mags," his voice called out.
"What?"
"I shouldn't have yelled at you that night. You raised a concern about me as an attending not your brother-in-law," he swallowed, "What I did was not right. I'm sorry."
"Wow," Maggie sighed, "How painful was that for you?"
"Very, you may have to ask Winston to run some tests on me," he chuckled before wincing, "I'm not going easy on him but sometimes I-"
"Yeah, sometimes you protect him from the bigger cases. The ones where he's more likely to lose and the ones that aren't a trophy."
It was an unconscious thing he'd done. Protect when someone didn't need protecting. He'd done it with Amy and he'd done it with Meredith. And right now, He didn't need any protection. He needed someone to support him. To push him in the right direction even if he fell. He'd pull back up and dust himself off.
Maggie walked back into the room and huffed loudly as she slouched onto the chair next to him, "You know, you and I hadn't had a fight like that in forever."
"Yeah, you and I used to team up whenever Amy and Meredith fought all those years ago, remember," he chuckled.
The never ending fights between Amelia and Meredith caused the pair to grow closer. She'd run to him and ask for advice. He'd tell her to let them be. They were both headstrong and they'd figure it out. Eventually.
Maggie nodded, "I should've known how hard it is to work with family. I mean, I'm having my own thing with Winston now and years ago Mer and I couldn't even look at each other. "
"Yeah, we may need to revisit that working with family policy at the next board meeting," he furrowed his brow at the craziness this hospital allowed.
The pair laughed together before Derek opened his mouth again, "Are you and Winston okay?"
Maggie shrugged, "Is it really bad of me to feel that way? I mean, be honest, how- what- I just thought we were fine. I really did. I thought everything was okay and then suddenly he pulled the rug right under me."
"You two did get married very quickly," he muttered, "You were still getting to know each other."
"You said he was a good guy! You were all for it when I told you he proposed!"
"Of course I was! You were happy!"
"It wasn't the case when Amelia told you she was marrying Owen and she seemed happy," Maggie argued.
"Yeah? And how did that turn out?" Derek pointed out, "All I'm saying is that you are in the nitty gritty part. Marriage isn't always easy."
Maggie twirled in her chair.
"Look I like Winston," he sighed, "And you clearly love him and he loves you. I don't doubt that. But you married the man you met. Not the surgeon. His surgical skills are not the reason you married him. "
"Amelia is right about you."
He furrowed his brows with a smile, "About what? What did she say about me?"
"She says you're a know it all," Maggie deadpanned, "Who doesn't really know it all."
She wasn't wrong. His children were currently roving that.
Meredith stared at the forms at her desk. This patient had been on the rotations of three different attendings with her head surgeon being Alex Karev.
"And you did everything?" Meredith looked up at the neurosurgeon in front of her, "You're saying there's nothing-"
"Sorry," Amy quietly answered, "There's nothing else we can do. The science just hasn't fully caught up to this and she is tired."
Her patient was a nine-year old- Abby. A brain tumor had proven too complicated to remove after a failed attempt. It spread the cancer and shortened her life in a cruel, cruel way.
"And the parents? How are they doing?" Meredith asked. She had to be objective here. There was a clear line between what was happening and what wasn't.
Amelia stared at her, "Her mom is distraught. She's heartbroken but I know that she's trying to do what's best. "
No more surgeries. No more chemo. She would grant her daughter's final wish and take her home away from the beeping monitors and the hospital.
"Okay," Meredith sighed as she set the paper down, "God this must be hell for them."
"I can't even- I mean it's just-" Amelia stuttered.
"You're thinking about Scout," Meredith quietly muttered as she passed the tablet to her, "I'm thinking about my three at home."
Amelia nodded. Of course their minds had wandered there. Being a mother was ripping a piece of your soul and letting it wander on it's own. It was an open wound that you tried your best to keep disinfected because if it worsened, it'd be fatal.
Meredith sighed, "Does it ever bother you?"
"What?"
"Everything," Meredith sighed, "Scout, Link, Kai, I mean how the hell do you balance it all without feeling freaking guilty. Scout seems to be fine, you and Kai are clearly very happy, and you and Link have somehow managed to find some middle ground. How the hell did you do it?"
"It's not easy," Amelia scoffed as she grabbed a chair and plopped on it, "When I'm with Kai, I can't stop thinking about Scout."
It was a never ending fear and constant thinking.
"Has he eaten? Did he go down for his nap? Did a huge pot hole open and suck the entire hospital?"
Meredith raised a brow. That last one sounded a little improbable…a little.
"There's no off switch as a mom, you know that," Amelia shrugged, "I mean, I know you and Derek do a good job at it but don't tell me you don't-"
"All the time," Meredith sighed, "And he's a good dad, you know? He's on top of everything. But even when I know he has them, I can't help it. I'm writing these budget reports and my mind just goes into mom mode."
"Did he pick them up? Did he make sure Bailey didn't walk into the house with those disgusting cleats on? Did Ellis do her homework? Did Zola make sure to charge her laptop? It never ends!"
Amelia blew out a deep breath, "And then a case like this pops out."
"And kids get into accidents," Meredith closed her eyes.
"And it's hard to give everything you got without losing yourself," Amelia nodded, "I get it."
"Cristina once told me I couldn't give one hundred percent to everything," Meredith muttered, "I wanted to strangle her. I wanted to throw her in a ditch and we fought for months."
"Well we can't," Amelia raised a brow, "I mean we want to and God and the universe knows that but we handle so much it's freaking hard. It's okay if we drop the ball. No one makes it easy, I mean, if we let up just one bit we automatically get shit on."
"It never ends," Amelia rolled her eyes.
Meredith stared at Amelia for a second as she stared off at the picture behind her. It had been a gift she'd given Meredith on the day she moved into her office. A family picture they'd taken the day of Maggie's wedding. Maggie and Winston happily stood at the middle. On Maggie's side, the Grey Shepherd clan stood happily. The children smiling in the middle and the parents proudly standing behind them. Amelia was on Winston's right, carrying Scout in her arms. He was a baby then. So small, so precious.
"Ellis climbed up a tree last night after yelling at us that we aren't paying attention to her."
"I knew she was trouble that one," Amelia smirked, "What'd you do?"
"I sat on the floor until she came down," Meredith swiveled her chair gently and sighed, "She said Derek and I don't care about her."
"Is she jealous? Is that it?"
Meredith shrugged, "Not it. She's still young to understand what's happening with Zo and why we're looking at schools for her. The idea of moving is unfair and scary to her. And I get it. I get why she's scared."
"Well yeah those kids are just like you," Amy grinned, "They're scared of change."
The Little Grey Shepherds. Maybe they had more Grey in them than she thought.
"Hey," Meredith smiled as she entered the office.
"Hey," Derek looked up and smiled brightly before turning back to his computer, "Checking in on me chief?"
Meredith chuckled, "I'm checking in on my husband. You busy?"
She meandered her way to his desk after closing the door behind her. He seemed focused on his task, the furrowed brow and quick diligent typing gave him away. He had been in a rush. He was in scrubs but his coat was thrown on the couch. She plopped herself on it and crossed her legs under her.
"Not really. I can't stop thinking about the kids. And I know you haven't either," Derek muttered as he quickly noticed her choice of seating, "So I'm about to discharge a patient and then I'm heading home. I'm calling it a day and getting them from school."
"Oh, well, good luck getting them to talk to you. They were silent on their way to school," Meredith muttered, "Maybe your stupid corny dad jokes might do the trick."
Derek laughed as he continued typing away, "Oh, don't pretend you don't like them. I've caught you laughing once or twice."
"Once. And it was stupid," She retorted as she studied his face carefully, "Adams is here."
"He has been since yesterday," Derek answered dissmisively without looking up from the screen
Meredith raised her brow, "He's doing okay?"
"He's on Amy's service," He looked up at her with a tired sigh, "You should ask her."
Closed. Shut. Locked. She knew her husband well enough to know he wasn't ready to talk about Lucas and whatever they had going on. For all the optimism that Derek Shepherd carried, there was also a darkness that not many saw. And when they did, it was easy to blame it on his arrogance and compulsive need to be the best. What they didn't realize was that behind that facade, there was a man who had been beaten over and over again. A man who needed to prove something. Not many saw it, but Meredith Grey did.
It was why they fit.
"You okay?" Derek asked as he noticed her gaze drift.
"Amy's patient. Her parents are taking her home," Meredith shook her head as she closed her eyes, "All these months all I've heard from them is how optimistic the family has been and today they are leaving because they've been told that there's nothing left to do. She's about Ellie's age."
Derek sighed, "Abby, right? Yeah, Amy and I looked into some ideas but they're too risky and the family didn't feel they could go through with it no matter what we said. Karev was pissed."
Meredith stood from her place. She paced around the room and nervously pressed on her knuckles. The switch that was never turned off was flashing and reminding her of her three children. She didn't understand how some parents had gone through things like Andie's parents. The choice between doing everything- even if it was unknown- to protect you child versus choosing to allow your child to live outside hospital walls was a choice she never wanted to make.
"Was there really nothing else that could be- I mean maybe Amelia missed-"
"Amelia doesn't miss anything you know that," Derek turned to face her, "She tried every angle but it was too close to Broca's area."
Meredith continued pacing as she released a loud raspberry. Her husband watched her carefully. Those were reserved for times where she was overwhelmed- stressed. He would know, both she and their youngest had the same tell.
"Well you're the impossible tumors guy, couldn't you-?"
"Meredith?"
"I'm gonna ask you something. It's a little- well- maybe, I mean I'd get it if- I do but-," she stuttered.
He furrowed his brows, "What is it?"
"The kids- Ellie, Bails, and Zo, having them, do you think it's-" she sighed heavily before stopping and throwing her hands up. They fell to her sides as she stared at him desperately, "Do you think me taking on this job is screwing them?"
Derek closed his eyes and sighed deeply, "Meredith-"
"No, I mean it," she insisted, "Before any of this-"
"Zola had panic attacks before you took on chief-"
"Yes because I was flying back and forth to Minnesota and you and I were fighting and she heard some of it," their biggest fight had ended in him spending the night in the trailer and Zola shutting the pair out.
"Whatever is happening with the kids is not on you," he shook his head, "If that's the case then it's just as well on me. I'm here just as much as you are."
"Yes but I'm their-"
"You are selling yourself short," he stopped her as he stood from his seat and rounded the desk, "You had the exact same thoughts when you doing the trial. You can do this, you've been doing this. It's not easy but the kids know you're always there for them. They know that and I know that."
Meredith turned to pace the room once again. She didn't buy it. Not fully.
Derek leaned against the table and turned to face her. He crossed his arms and looked up at her, "Is this the Ellis thing, isn't it? What she said-"
Guilty. Her husband knew her well enough- too well.
"Out of the three, she's the happy one. The brave one. She's always keeping us on our toes. She runs around the house parading how she's the baby girl and gets us both to bend at her will," Meredith ranted, "And Zola and Bails were just as happy and they are at that age where they don't know if they love us yet or if they are starting to hate us-"
Derek chuckled a little. Their teenage years would be some rollercoaster, they could tell.
"So I gave them a pass, but Ellis? Oh Ellis is making me pull every single strand of my hair because I thought," she stopped as she pictured the distraught little girl clenching the bark of the tree, "I didn't have to worry. I thought she was just-"
"Yeah, I know," Derek finished for her, "I get it."
Meredith turned to face Derek. He stared back with a concerned look.
"Zola has severe anxiety. Bailey's losing control of his temper and Ellis is feeling unloved and I missed it. I missed all of it," Meredith summed up, "I screwed up somewhere here."
The pacing continued for a while. Derek watched as she furrowed her brow and bit her tongue. He could see how she was holding in her tears and trying not to show too much emotion. Ellis Grey had done an excellent job at teaching her that.
"You are not their only parent," Derek muttered.
Meredith rolled her eyes, "Oh Derek that's not what I-"
"No, I know what you meant," Derek raised a hand to stop her. His gaze didn't change from a concerned, "What I mean is, if we're gonna start placing the blame somewhere, you are not the only parent."
Meredith exhaled. He was right, he was not the only parent and she couldn't blame herself. Not like this.
"We screwed somewhere here," Derek corrected, "We missed it."
She shook her head, "yeah that doesn't sound any better."
"Yeah," Derek pushed himself off the table, "I know."
"Again, Ellis?" Derek asked as he peered through the rearview glass to look at his youngest, "You yelled at her again? What has gotten into you?"
"I didn't hit anybody," Ellis grumbled as she stared off the window, "And I didn't push anyone."
Ms. Adams had mentioned that Ellis had yelled in class when being tasked to clean after they finished an art project. She didn't participate in math or any other subject. And during recess, she sat at the benches. All out of character behaviors.
When she asked if everything was fine between him and his wife, he nearly laughed. Everything was…not fine. The world was crashing and everything was burning.
"I'm glad you could keep your hands to yourself but that doesn't justify you being disrespectful to your teacher," he turned to her, "What is going on?"
She stared at him with her big green eyes, her eyes furrowed, and her mouth perked into a pout. Before she could answer the voices of his other two kids were making their way closer.
"Stop it."
"I'm not even doing anything!"
Derek sighed deeply as Zola opened the passenger door and threw her backpack in. She sat in the car without a word and her brother had done the same in his usual seat in the back.
"I'm doing great, thanks for asking," Derek answered to nothing, "Ellis is hanging in there and we are glad you said hello to us."
No response. Just upset expressions and crossed arms. His stupid, corny, dad jokes wouldn't work much to his wife's dismay.
"Okay," Derek muttered, "Three against one."
"Ellis go to your room, start your homework," Derek opened the door to the house, "Your mom and I are gonna talk about this later."
"But-"
"Go," Derek said patiently but sternly, "To your room."
She scoffed dramatically as she stopped down the hall. He grimaced as a loud clang was heard when the door was slammed closed.
Derek shut his eyes and let out a heavy breath, "Sit down. Both of you."
Zola's eyes widened. Bailey's mouth dropped.
"I'm not-!"
"I don't want-!"
"Now!" he scolded.
The pair trudged to the couch and threw their backpacks on the floor. Zola slouched on the couch and crossed his arms. Bailey seemed to mimic her but had tucked one leg under the other.
"When Zola had her panic attack the night of her presentation, what did you say to me?" Derek turned to his son.
"What do you mean?"
"What did you say to me?" Derek asked again, "You remember what you said?"
Bailey uncrossed his arms and fidgeted with his fingers.
"You said you'd watch out for her," he reminded his son, "You'd have her back, remember?"
Bailey nodded solemnly.
Derek turned to his daughter, "And you, what did you tell me about choosing schools out of state?"
Zola sighed, "I said I didn't want to."
"It's not your job to-to be the parent," Derek lowered his voice as he turned to Zola and then to Bailey, "And not telling you was a choice we made as parents."
"It's our job," he continued, "Bailey I get it, I do. You have a life here. You have sports and your friends and-"
"Lucas. I had Lucas."
"I know," Derek sighed heavily, "And you. You have-"
"No one," Zola deadpanned, "I have no one. My friends don't get me. Bailey and Ellis hate me. Everyone thinks I'm the weirdo! I have no one!"
"Zola, that's not true-"
"You said I was your sister," Zola turned to Bailey, "You said I was your sister and that you'd have my back! I didn't want to tell you because I was scared that you and Ellis would hate me. Momma and Dad didn't say anything because I didn't even want to look at schools."
"Zo-"
"No, I don't want to talk about it anymore," a tear trailed down her eye as she pushed herself off the couch, "I told you they would hate me!"
Derek watched her as she ran away. Another piece of him dropped. It wasn't as simple as he thought. Feelings and emotions were at an all time high with the three of them.
Bailey turned to his dad, "I get it, okay? I do. I don't like it, but I get it."
Derek rubbed his face and sighed, "I know you do, Bailey, I know."
He plopped onto the couch next to his son and sighed as he listened to his son, "I'm not mad that Zola needs another school. I'm mad that no one told me."
"That's fair," Derek muttered before turning to his son.
"I don't hate my sister," Bailey muttered, "But you don't tell me a lot of things Dad. You always say you and I are a team, but sometimes you don't tell me things."
"Bailey," Derek sighed, "Some things we can't tell you because we're your parents and we just can't tell you just yet."
Bailey slouched onto the couch with his arms crossed. His angry demeanor was so much like his father's.
"We should've at least given you a heads up," Derek conceded, "Sorry, Bails."
"Why did Lucas leave?" Bailey asked.
"Okay," Meredith blinked, "I'm gonna ask one more time; Are you certain you are ready to leave. Signing these documents means you are foregoing any continued medical treatment here at Grey Sloan for your daughter."
Jenny stared at the documents the nurses had given her earlier. Both women sat in the waiting room across each other. Jenny's face painted a picture of sheer exhaustion. The tear ridden streaks and the reddened irises told her she was getting little to no sleep.
She looked up at the doctor and blinked slowly, "You have children, Dr. Grey?"
"I do," Meredith swallowed, "I have three."
"Have you ever had to do this? Choose between your daughter fighting for a chance at life or letting them live their final days at peace? Because let me tell you, you can ask me the same damn question over and over and I will never be sure."
Meredith nodded, "I understand."
"She wants this. She didn't ask it of me. She didn't beg. She practically commanded me- yelled at me- without yelling, you know? It was just one of those loud things," Jenny let out a sob before inhaling deeply, "I don't-I-I don't want to lose my daughter but I don't have a choice. And I don't want her to suffer."
"I'm her mom. I am her mom. And I have to choose for her."
Meredith listened as Jenny broke in front of her. Consoling a parent was one of the hardest things she'd done as a doctor. Nothing was ever right. No decision you ever made was a guarantee at full happiness because the truth was that you couldn't well see into your child's future.
And something like life and death was nothing compared to her own problems with her children. It was hard to compare with the woman in front of her but the weight of decisions over her children were heavy. If they pursued a school, Zola would get the help she needed. She would thrive. They'd find a therapist that met her needs and she'd be surrounded by peers who related to her. On the other hand, Ellis would be devastated. The episodes they'd recently witnessed would only worsen and she'd feel her voice silence. And Bailey? Well the pendulum could swing either way with Bailey.
Jenny wiped her face before grabbing the pen. She scrawled her signature on the documents and slid the documents back to the chief of surgery.
Sealing the fate of the future of her child.
"Bailey and Zola are both mad at me and I'm pretty sure you're mad at me too," Derek announced as he entered the pale green room.
No one responded.
"I know you told your mom that we don't care about you," he tried again as he stared at the tent in the far corner where he knew she had been hiding. They'd made it her oasis years ago. A place she could go to whenever she was upset and needed to cool off. It had worked until she had the brilliant idea of a treehouse.
"Ellis," Derek attempted, "Ellis I know this is because you're scared about what you heard."
A small hand peered through the curtain. Her green eyes peered out and looked up at him, "I don't want to move."
Derek softly hummed as he crouched down to join her. His long legs stuck through the tent as he settled next to her, "No one said we're moving yet. What's going on?"
Ellis held onto the rag doll and smoothed the yarn hair back, "Nothing."
"Something's happening," he whispered, "The little girl we've been raising would never put her hands on anyone and she'd never yell at her teacher and she would never, ever say things to her siblings."
"If we move," Ellis gulped, "We'd be leaving Auntie Amy and Scout and Auntie Maggie and Uncle Winston, Uncle Alex, Aunt Jo, Lucas-"
"That's a lot of people," Derek whispered.
"That's why I'm scared!" Ellis cried out, "And momma would forget me and you would forget me. Everyone would forget me."
"Ellie-"
"Momma says she loves me to the moon and back over and over and over again," she sighed.
"She does," he insisted, "We do-"
"If you and momma love me that much, we can't move," she stared at him.
Derek sighed helplessly. He was being pitted against the sword and the wall.
"Ellis, it's so much more than moving. We don't even know if we're gonna move," he shrugged, "What we do know is that we are trying to do what we can to help Zo and B and-"
"See? It's always Zo and B!"
"Ellie," he tried again as she crossed her arms.
"No! You're just like momma, you don't care."
She pouted as she pulled her little legs to her chest.
His phone chirped. He opened it and glanced at the message from his wife.
Running late. Don't wait for me for dinner.
He was pretty sure none of the kids would join him anyways.
Meredith walked into the pale green room where a small bundle was slowly rising up and down. She stepped in quietly and sat next to it.
Sometimes she couldn't see the resemblance between herself and her daughter. Other times, there was no doubt in her mind that she was her daughter. Now, it was all she could see. Her younger self angry at the world for forgetting about her.
Meredith pushed her light hair back gently. She leaned down and pressed a kiss to her forehead.
"I love you Ellie-Belle," she whispered, "To the moon and back over and over and over again."
She didn't know if she could hear her. What she did know was that she meant every single word she said. And she'd be damned if history repeated itself.
Meredith walked into the bedroom and and stood by the door, "What did I miss? Why are you moping?"
Derek laid on his back as his right arm shielded him from the light. He hadn't bothered to change clothes and apparently he hadn't bothered to prepare the bed.
"I pissed them off," he muttered darkly.
"Derek?"
"I can't Mer," he whispered as he shook his head. His arm fell to his chest, "I- I tried. I let him into our home. I tried to teach him. I tried to- I just-"
Meredith sighed deeply as she dropped her shoulders. They were so heavy. So heavy and so exhausted.
"I let him get close to the kids and now Bailey is mad at me because-"
"He's mad at you?" Meredith asked cautiously as she turned to him, "Bailey. You told him what happened between you and Lucas the day of the accident."
He nodded. Bailey must've been disappointed. He must've been angry and confused as to why his father had yelled at someone they both cared so deeply about.
"Oh," She sighed as she kicked off her shoes and climbed onto bed with him.
"When we found out he was a boy," he gulped, "Bailey, I mean-I uh, I thought about my dad. I thought about how he took me to the shop on the weekends. He'd let me help him with the inventory. We'd go to the park and he'd take me to games and I just wanted to be just like him."
Meredith pushed back his hair as she listened.
"And I thought about Lucas," he confessed, "He's not a kid. He's not my kid but we used to do everything Bailey and I do now. I'd take him to baseball games. Go to his practices and games. Take him out to do things."
"And then I left," he whispered, "And now he hates me. Bailey hates me. Zola hates me because she thinks the other two hate her and Ellis is mad and taking it out on everyone so there's that."
Meredith turned onto her back. She swallowed a lump as she thought about her kids. They were tiny humans with big emotions and sometimes it was easy to take for granted. It was easy to forget that their children also had needs that she had to meet.
"Our kids aren't telling us that they need us," she whispered.
Derek turned to look at her slowly, "What do you mean?"
"Our kids are yelling that they need us," Meredith thought back to Jenny and her daughter, "And I think we need to listen. We need to explain to them that these choices you and I make aren't-"
She blew out a breathe as she tried to compile her rambling thoughts.
"They think we don't care but you and I both know the truth," she whispered, "Right now, they need us."
He agreed, "Our kids need us."
If she could blink and make the scary go away she could. But life didn't work that way. Sometimes instead of running away from the scary, you have to run through it.
"Mom!"
Zola's voice called out from the hallway as she sipped her coffee. She listened as footsteps ran down the hall. Another pair ran down behind her and then another.
Zola made it to the kitchen and stood in front of her, bewildered and still in her pijamas, "My alarm didn't go off! Why didn't you wake me up! We're gonna be late."
"We're already late!" Bailey followed soon after, "We're never gonna make it!"
Ellis reached the pair and looked around. Something wasn't right.
"You're not going to school today," Meredith calmly answered as she turned the page of the Anals of Surgery that was in front of her. She stood behind the kitchen dinner with a red mug in her hand, "You're staying here. With me. Go shower, get changed. We're going out."
"Where's Dad?" Bailey asked as he looked around the empty living room and kitchen.
"At work," Meredith replied as she flipped another page, "He had a lot of stuff to do."
"Where are we going?" Ellis asked.
Meredith looked up and smiled.
"Why are we here?" Zola scoffed from the end of the bench. Next to her sat her sister, her mother and at the other end her brother.
The last time they had been here was for one of Bailey's soccer games. A rare occasion for the five to make it but they loved to be supportive. Zola would watch from the sidelines and when she was bored enough, she and her mother would find themselves to a patch of grass and find shapes in the sky. Derek would stay and watch his son while Ellis would run back and forth from one parent to another.
This time there was no soccer matches. No one to cheer for and no patches of grass to lay on. Just a playground with parents and toddlers.
"We should be in school," Bailey muttered.
"Mm, you should be," Meredith mused.
Ellis kept her eyebrows furrowed. She kept her arms crossed and her legs tucked neatly underneath her. Stubbornness ran in the family. On both ends. But mainly on the Grey end.
"When you three were little, we'd spend every Sunday here," Meredith sighed, "Zola and Bailey would play on the play set and your daddy would chase after you."
Meredith giggled as she pictured the pair running through the sand. Their little legs couldn't take them too far and Derek would always be just a few feet behind, until the pair decided to give him a real run for his money and split. Zola would run one way and Derek would run another.
"Ellis, you'd stay with me because you were so tiny but as soon as you started walking," Meredith chuckled, "You were right behind them. Daddy and I tried to convince you to try the swing but you hated it."
Ellis uncrossed her arms and looked from one end to the other, "I don't remember."
Next to her, Zola sighed, "That's because you were too young. Real memories don't start until you're like three."
"Mmhm," Meredith agreed as she turned to Bailey, "By then you'd started soccer. And Ellis you didn't want to separate from Dad. And Zo, you and I would do what we do best. Lay on the grass."
The quartet sat in silence for another moment. The sounds of children laughing surrounded them. If she could turn back time to the days when everything seemed so much simpler with her children she would. She'd tell that Meredith to hold on to those precious little moments in time because time was unforgiving and ungrateful. It took more than it gave.
"I know you're mad about us leaving," Meredith sighed, "I mean we're not even leaving yet, no one has decided yet but you're scared. And I get that, I do."
She glanced at each child who refused to look at each other.
"Change is scary. Your whole lives you've only known Seattle and all the people we love her," Meredith continued, "But we are a family. The five of us. And we have to take care of each other. I didn't grow up with sisters the way your dad did, but I wish I did. Because I love my sisters very much. All of them."
Christina. Lexie. Amelia. Maggie. They were her sisters. They would always be her sisters.
"And you have each other. No matter what happens with Daddy and I, you have each other," her voice broke as she saw the frowns on their faces contour into something else, "You can be mad, that's fine. You can hate the idea of leaving everything you know behind because when I almost left, I was terrified."
"You were?" Bailey asked curiously.
"I have. I am. It's scary to leave what you know behind," Meredith explained, "But we're not leaving yet. Zola hasn't looked at any school and I know that if she decides about a school, your dad and I will talk to you. Because we are a family and we fought hard for each of you so we're not ever, ever, letting any of you go."
The three of them turned to her. Any parent could've said that. But no other could mean it the way she did.
Because Zola was taken away from them and the possibility of never seeing her again was very real.
And Bailey had been a miracle. Natural conception had seemed impossible and when he made himself known, he was a surprise.
And Ellis had been the one her father had insisted on. And when the universe was ready to take him, Ellis had been the glow that kept him on Earth.
"And one thing you should never do is doubt how much I love you. How much your Dad loves you," Meredith swallowed the lump in her throat as she tried to hold back the tears in her eyes, "Because we would give everything- everything- for the three of you."
She could feel them softening up very slowly.
"I love you so much," she whispered once more as she eyed the three lights of her life.
Meredith Grey was the daughter of Ellis and Thatcher Grey. The woman who only wanted to be a surgeon to want to be a mom and the man who didn't care enough to stay with her. There was no one there to hold her in the dark. No one to teach her to ride her bike. No one to comfort her when there was blood on the floor.
Zola Grey Shepherd, Derek Bailey Shepherd, and Ellis Carolyn Grey Shepherd would never have any of that. They had a father who would stop the entire world for them. Who took them on ferryboat rides and fought the monsters under the bed. And a mother who would give up every inch of herself to make sure they were loved. She'd kiss the wounds away and read the books every night. They would have everything their parents did not. She made sure of it.
"To the moon and back over and over and over again?" Ellis' green eyes turned to her.
Meredith let the dam burst and sniffed as she reached to embrace her daughter tightly. Zola hugged on one end and Bailey on the other. The four stayed in their embraced for a long moment.
"Over and over and over again," Meredith whispered.
A/N: I'll admit I teared up as I wrote the last bit. Sorry.
I once read somewhere that Shonda hated running storylines further than they should (oh the irony) and as I was developing this chapter, I realized that it was an opportunity for Meredith as a mother to understand her kids' emotions are valid and for her to reinforce that she loves them. It was a chance for Meredith to really step up and have a big moment with her kids. She's a well rounded woman whose a wife, a successful doctor, and a parent who really didn't have any influence to draw on. So as any mother would ideally do, she made sure she stepped up for them.
But it doesn't mean it gets any easier. Zola is still going through her motions, Bailey is still mad at Derek for what happened with Lucas, and Ellis is a ticking time bomb.
There are two ways I can further explore Lucas/Derek but I am a little hesitant because I want to know who his mom is. I can either incorporate it or ignore it but I really don't want to do that. So I'm taking bits and bits of hiatus to see if they could at least leak anything. (Grey's writer who took my Zola has anxiety storyline, feel free to DM me, lol jkjkjk)
Thank you so much for reviewing. Let me know your thoughts!