Derek stared at the schedule on the tablet. He couldn't avoid it any longer no matter how hard he tried and he was fully aware of it.
The door to his office opened and Amelia stepped in, "Knock, knock, how's my favorite brother doing?"
Derek scoffed, "I'm your only brother."
"That's why you're my favorite," Amelia grinned as she closed the door behind her and stepped closer to his desk, "Heard the chief's out? She okay?"
"Yeah, she's good," Derek winced, "Well, I mean health wise she's fine. The kids are going through something and she took the day to spend it with them."
"Oh yeah, she mentioned that," Amy nodded, "How are you holding up?"
Derek processed the question for a moment and shook his head lightly, "I keep asking myself what would dad do and I draw up blanks so.."
Amelia sighed.
"But you're not in here to talk about my failures in parenting," he smiled lightly, "What's up? What do you need?"
"Can't I come in here as a good sister to check in on my brother?"
"No, it's physically debilitating to you-"
Amelia rolled her eyes, "I will ban you from the OR if you finish that sentence."
"Fine," Derek chuckled. He appreciated that they'd worked their way up to this type of bantering after years of anger, resentment, and bitterness, "What's up?"
"Kai is flying in today and I am hoping you can take over for me for the rest of the day," Amelia conceded as she fidgeted with the pockets of her white coat, "Please? They were supposed to be here on Friday for dinner but-"
"It's fine," Derek grinned, "I do need you to do something in exchange."
"Oh really? What's that?"
"Have Lucas on your service."
Amelia stared at her brother. He'd been open and receptive to Kai. Amelia had confessed to him that what she felt towards them was something she hadn't experienced before. Not since Ryan. Not since…
So he would cover for her whenever he could. The exchanges were always in good humor. A brother/sister lunch or dinner. Snacks from the vending machine. Babysitting the kids to give him and Meredith a night out. Things that weren't far out of reach. And though she'd take any resident, she knew she couldn't take this one.
"No," Amelia swallowed a lump in her throat, "No, I'll have Kai meet me here after I'm done, thanks."
Derek furrowed his brows, "Oh Amy, c'mon-"
"No!" she turned angrily, "I told you to fix it. I told you to make it better and instead you are pushing him away!"
"Amelia!"
"Get your crap together," she gritted, "He is your nephew. He is our nephew and his mom trusted us to watch out for him even though we argued that this place wasn't right for him. Do you think he's here for me? He's here for you!"
Derek shook his head, "I'm not talking about this with you-"
"You forgave me for totaling your Mustang all those years ago. And when I stole your prescription pad to get pills and got high. And for having to keep me alive for three whole minutes until the paramedics arrived. And when I went off the rails after your accident and refused to answer your wife's page because we were fighting over you after a patient attacked her. You forgave me over and over again-"
"It's not the same thing-," he shook his head.
"And I forgave you," Amelia glared, "For leaving me alone and for making me feel like crap all those years ago over and over again!"
The Shepherd siblings had a history many siblings didn't. They carried burdens at tender ages and had pain that was never spoken of. It was always met with silence. She despised it. He thrived in it. Both at opposite ends. It's why they were always at odds with each other. And the shared trauma was what glued them together. It was one thing to have a dead dad. Another to see the pool of blood around him.
"You need to forgive him. He is not a black sheep," Amelia spewed, "He is a young man who is learning and making mistakes just like we both did. And what happened that night was an accident. He wasn't high or drunk and I know for a fact that he took care of your kid as best he could. And he loves your kids! Especially Bailey."
Derek looked down like a kid being reprimanded for stealing a cookie from the forbidden jar.
"Don't make the same mistakes we did years ago," Amelias stepped closer, "Don't be a jackass again."
"It's not the same, Amy," he shook his head bitterly.
"What's the difference?"
The difference was…well he couldn't think of one yet. What he did know was that the car accident his son and nephew were in had brought up a repressed feeling he thought he had gotten over long ago. It reminded him of a time where he was walking on the like of life and death. Of giving his wife the one hundred ten years he promised and raising the children they shared. Or of leaving them behind and letting them grow without their father- like he did. A recurring, heartbreaking moment that reminded him of too much.
"Be the brother who stood up for me when Owen kicked me out all those years ago when I told him about Christopher," Amelia whispered with tears, "Be the brother who held me so tightly so I wouldn't get hurt when Dad died. I know he's in there somewhere."
Amelia slammed the door behind her. How had things gotten so out of hand so quickly? How was she such a happy newlywed one week ago and now she was yelling in the hospital halls at her husband.
Maybe her brother was right. Maybe this was a big mistake and she was once again acting like a-
"Amy, you okay?"
"I-I," she looked around and realized where she was at, "Sorry I didn't mean to come in here I just-"
"Amy you ran into my office and slammed the door behind you," Derek chuckled lightly, "Either you and Mer went at it again or something is really wrong, which one is it?"
Amelia stared at him. She blinked. Now. She had kept this secret long enough. It'd been something she insisted on never telling and never speaking of. Especially to him. But now, she needed to say it.
"I've been keeping something from you.," she whispered with a tremble, "I had a baby."
She watched as he blinked in confusion. Like he couldn't properly compute what was coming out of her mouth.
"What?" he furrowed his brow, "I thought you said the test came out negative-"
"No. I was pregnant. In LA," she continued, "I swore Addison to secrecy and I didn't want to tell you because I knew you'd freak out and so would mom and our sisters And they would say crap about me being a drunk-"
"Amy-" Derek dropped the pen in his hand and stood quickly from his chair, "Why didn't you say anything?"
"I had just left rehab and I was scared, okay? I was terrified and I had no one. I. Had. No one."
It clicked. The timing was right. It was a terrible, terrible moment in her life. She had hit rock bottom. Her fiance had overdosed and she awoke next to his dead body, "Ryan's? He was the-"
"Yeah," she barely managed to answer, "My baby was all I had left of him. And-"
"Amelia-"
"He had anencephaly so he lived for forty-three minutes," she smiled painfully, "I held him. Until I had to- until it was time. I named him Christopher. After Dad."
She swallowed the tears threatening to release from her pain ridden eyes.
Derek stood from his desk and walked towards her. Amelia gulped, unable to properly assess the look on his face. Disappointment? Anger?
"He donated all of his organs. I let him go. And it almost-"
What happened next surprised her. There was no hesitancy. No doubt when his arms pulled her towards him. And somewhere in the middle, she broke down. Because she'd kept this secret so guarded and protected. And instead of reprimanding her for keeping the secret like she expected, he accepted her. He did the right thing and just held her.
And finally, she shared it with her favorite person in the world. And the closest thing she had to a father; Her big brother.
Derek paced from one end of the stairwell to the next. He ran his hand through his hair as he heard a door close from the floor beneath him. Footsteps climbed the stairs until they slowed down approaching him.
"You paged?"
"You're on my service today," Derek sighed as he stopped pacing. He gulped as he looked down at his nephew.
"I'm aware." Lucas leaned against the wall and stuffed his hands into his pocket, "Did you need something?"
"Shep, I owe you-," Derek began before his nephew took a step back and shook his head.
"Don't even bother," Lucas scoffed, "I get it, okay?. I've been my family's disappointment my entire life and I don't live up to anyone's expectations as a Shepherd. And the one time where I actually thought I'd get some support, it actually turned out to be worse."
"I'm trying to-" Derek tried only to be pushed further away.
"You were like a God to me," Lucas scoffed, "You were- you were invincible and all I ever wanted was to make you proud. But it turns out I'm just a disappointment to you as I am to everyone else."
"Lucas, you're not a disappointment," Derek denied, "I never said you were a disappointment!"
"No but you treat me like one," Lucas shook his head, "You know what gave it away that I had something to do with the Shepherd freakin' Super Surgeons? It wasn't Amelia treating me the way she did. It was you!"
"Me?"
"Yes you!" Lucas cried out, "The way you constantly looked me over and gave the cases over to Kwan or Griffith. Or h-how you wouldn't let me earn-"
"I never treated you any differently than any of the other interns," Derek gritted, "I was careful. You hadn't earned them then and it doesn't mean you haven't gotten any better! You wanted to keep all your personal connections private and I respected that. I tried!"
Lucas stared at him, "Mom was right. She always said Amelia was the best liar but she always said you were the one with the God complex."
Game. Set. Match.
"Looks like she was right about you too," Derek stared back at him with his hands on his hips, "You're always looking for someone else to blame. It's what you've always done."
They were once tied at the hip. You couldn't separate Lucas from Derek. And whenever Derek could break away from the hospital, he'd go straight to him. He was his favorite nephew.
But now, they stared at each other like common enemies. People who hurt each other back and forth. With painful pasts shoved down over and over.
"Look I'm done trying to pretend that things can ever go back to when I was a kid. I'm done. So can we please just try to remain professional?" Lucas stood in front of him angrily, "Can you do that, Dr. Shepherd?"
Derek clenched his jaw and nodded, "You can go to the pit, Dr. Adams. Find something to do down there."
Derek opened the door and released a deep sigh. He dropped his briefcase and began to remove his coat when the sight in front of him made him freeze.
"Hey," Meredith turned to him and smiled from the couch. She sat with her legs crossed under her as she flipped through a journal, "You're home early. We ordered take-out and it should be here soon."
Derek sighed at the sanctuary his home provided. A wife he adored. Three children who loved him. A place to hide from it all.
"Kids?"
"Oh, they're still upset with each other but in their own rooms. I forced them to spend time together earlier," Meredith chuckled, "so they needed a break."
"You okay?" he pressed a quick kiss to her cheek.
"Yeah," she shrugged, "You know they're still not one hundred percent happy with each other but I'm- I- I think I did good today. It felt like I did the right thing, I don't know I'm probably wrong and it could backfire on me tomorrow when Ellis decides to burn the house down, so who knows."
She shrugged with a slight chuckle expecting him to join her. Instead she turned to find him slouched next to her as his hand rested on his stomach and his eyes blinked at the ceiling.
"What happened," his wife whispered, "You seem so tired."
"I tried to talk to Lucas today," he turned to her, "He shut me out. And I-I-"
He rubbed his face with both hands knowing exactly what he meant.
"Derek-"
"I just," he gulped, "I can't get a hold of it. I tried to get it together for you and the kids and I did, I thought I did. I mean we were fine. And then Lucas shows up. And everything I thought I left behind just came back."
"You said things to him," she whispered knowingly, "You said hurtful things that you didn't mean but you knew they would hurt."
Derek Shepherd had been a different man before returning to Seattle. At least, that's how the tale was told. He was married to a woman who was very well put together. A New Yorker who was sophisticated, wealthy, and a brilliant surgeon. He'd lived in a brownstone, owned a house in the Hamptons, and had a successful private practice.
It was hard to imagine him back then. Yet sometimes, those glimpses of Derek made themselves known.
The man she knew now used to live content in a trailer, surrounded by silence. Loved to fish and hike in the early mornings. Enjoyed a beer while he stared off at the amazing view of the cliff. Worked his ass off to help as many people as he could. And hid all his past as deep as he could.
She didn't push. Even when Wyatt had insisted that he open up, she respected the boundaries he placed. Because the Derek Shepherd after his father's death was also a different one.
"Derek," Meredith whispered, "That past has never gone away. You've just pushed it back as far as you could and pretended it was never there. I should know, I'm great at doing it."
"When did you get so smart? When did you get all healed?"
Meredith laughed a little, "Mommy and Daddy issues. And suicidal tendencies. And abandonment issues. Husband almost dying issues. Too many issues."
"That makes two of us," Derek released a breathy chuckle. He nodded as he turned to her, "I'm gonna check in on the kids."
She watched as he stood up and made his way down the hallway, pushing the past as far as he could once again.
"Your mom says that she forced you to spend time with your sisters," Derek stood at his son's door, "Must've been tough."
"I forgot what it was like to be around them all day," Bailey muttered as he put away his video game console.
"The problem between Lucas and I had nothing to do with you Bailey," Derek stepped in as he closed the door behind him, "I uh, I was the one who overreacted and pushed him to his limit. I was unkind and I'm sorry for pushing him. It wasn't fair to you."
Bailey hopped onto his bed and stared at his dad, "Did you tell him that you were sorry? You always say it's important to-"
"Apologize and mean it. I know. I drilled it into you and your sisters," he pressed his lips into a tight line, "I tried to talk to him but I think I made things worse."
"Why?" Bailey asked.
The confession had slipped. It wasn't something he meant to tell his son and quite frankly, he wasn't even sure why.
"I just- you know how sometimes things just come out? And you don't even know why?"
"Yeah?"
"I think that's what happened to me. And I was mean and I pushed when I knew I shouldn't have," Derek shifted uncomfortably, "I don't know how, Bailey but I'm gonna fix it. I'm gonna try."
Bailey nodded, "I was mean to Zo. I was really mean to her. I told her I didn't care and I do."
He fidgeted with his fingers as his father got close and sat on the bed next to him, "So what are you gonna do?"
Bailey turned to him, "Apologize and mean it."
"That's my kid," Derek reached to kiss the top of his head and pulled him closer. He could learn something from his son. He always did. His children- their children- had been the ones to teach them some of the most important lessons he'd ever learn. Now, his son was teaching him a lesson in humility and forgiveness, "I love you Bails."
Bailey wrapped one arm around him, "I love you too, Dad."
Protect your sister. It's your job to protect her. Protect your sister.
Derek gripped his little sister as tightly as he could. He shut her mouth closed and pressed down as hard as he could. If he kept his hand on her mouth she wouldn't scream. She wouldn't yell.
But if he looked up, his dad would be on the floor…he knew that…Dad was dead. He didn't need to see him to know that.
He heard the bell cling as the robbers left. His grip on Amy loosened.
"Stay here," Derek whispered, "Don't move."
She was crying. Scared and in tears. Derek stepped over his comic book as he stepped closer to where he knew he'd find him. A pair of black boots stuck out from behind the wall hiding him
Another step. A final one.
He was right. His dad was gone. Blood piled around him and his dad was no more.
Derek jumped up and breathed heavily. He turned to the bundle next to him. Safe. He was safe. He was far away from that little shop in Westchester. Away from the scene where he heard the gunshot. Away from where his failures began.
"Derek, what's wrong?" Meredith slowly shuffled until he reached over to gently push her back down.
"It's fine, everything's fine," he whispered, "I'm go- I'm gonna get some water. Go back to sleep."
He kicked off the blankets over him as his feet touched the cold wood. He made his way to the kitchen barefoot without grabbing his robe and without a light on. He tried to regain his breath as he opened the faucet and chugged down the water in the glass. He slammed it gently on the counter and stared ahead.
He couldn't remember the last time he had dreamt that. He couldn't remember if it had been before or after his accident. Before or after the kids.
The lights suddenly turned on. He turned to the culprit and sighed, "I didn't mean to wake you."
"Which one was it?" she asked as she squinted, adjusting to the fluorescent lights. Meredith stepped closer as she wrapped the blanket tighter around her, "Car accident or plane crash? Or the bomb? Please don't tell me it's the bomb."
"You still dream about the bomb?," he whispered as she got closer to him and rested her head on his shoulder.
"Don't turn this around, what was the nightmare?"
Derek opened the faucet again and filled his glass once more. Meredith lifted her head to watch as he quickly drinked the water. He rinsed the glass and placed it in the rack without so much as turning to see her.
"Derek," she whispered, "What was the nightmare about?"
Meredith pressed her lips against his shoulder, "We can talk about it, you know? I've gotten better at the whole listening thing. Ask the kids, they can vouch for me."
He chuckled a little as he turned to her, "Not tonight just, not tonight."
"Okay," she whispered.
He searched for her, slowly making his way to her lips until there was nothing left to say. Her arms wrapped around him as he pushed her to the nearest wall. His hands snuck into her gray sweater until he lifted it and threw it somewhere next to her. She shivered as the cool air hit her skin and as his lips roamed. She was willing and open and warm and all he wanted was to hide as far as he could. And she would hide with him. She'd give him a safe hiding space until he was ready to come out of the hole he'd dig for himself. After all, he'd done the same for her many times before.
"My son plays baseball in the spring," Derek grinned, "He was playing soccer last season and now he wants to take on hockey."
"That's a lot of sports," his young patient laughed, "I've only ever played baseball but now I want to learn how to bake next."
"Really?" Derek raised his brows, "My daughter is the baker in our family. What's your favorite thing to make?"
Dana entered the room and laughed, "Is Oliver talking your ear off again? I knew he would."
"I think we've both been talking each other's ears off," Derek laughed, "Dr. Adams, present."
"Okay my hope is that the tumor hasn't returned and that the treatments have continued to do their job which is keeping this thing as far away as possible," Derek smiled as he sat across his patient.
Dana sighed, "His oncologist says he's been doing fine ever since you performed the surgery, I mean-"
"And he is," Derek smiled, "His labs came out as expected but we just have to be on the safe side, okay? I don't do things halfway, you know that."
"Thanks," Dana nodded appreciatively, "Hey, uh, by the way, I heard about your son that day. I saw him in one of the rooms but I didn't want to intrude. How's he doing?"
Derek pressed his lips together in a thin line. It was complicated. Physically, he was fine- he was recovering perfectly and even better than expected! But Derek knew that the toll of their latest dilemma's had caused exhaustion and pain.
"He is recovering nicely, thank you," Derek answered honestly.
"You and your wife? You're doing okay? It's tough things like this just happen, I mean," Dana sighed as she nodded towards her son.
She was divorced, according to Addison. Oliver's sickness had proved to be too much and their marriage had crumbled.
"Yeah, my wife and I are," he sighed fondly, appreciating that problems involving their children hadn't- and wouldn't- escalate to such a level, "We're better. It was tough at first but we got through that bridge."
"Good," Dana answered before Lucas coughed.
"Dr. Shepherd, scans are in," he passed the tablet to Derek with the tablet open. Derek studied meticulously each of the scans leaving no spot untraced.
"Oh my God. I just realized," Dana chuckled, "You're the little boy that used to follow Derek around in the summers. You're his nephew um, oh I remember-"
She blinked as she tried to remember, unaware of the tension between the pair.
"Shep! That's what he called you. Addie used to say-"
Lucas cleared his throat, "It's Lucas. I don't go by Shep anymore."
Derek closed the tablet and handed it back to Lucas. If the tension had lingered, it was worse now. Lucas was making it clear that there was a line drawn and it was no longer professional. It was personal on many levels.
Dana chuckled nervously before turning to Derek, "How's it look?"
The neurosurgeon smiled, "Dana, there's no sign of the tumor coming back. He's recovering."
Meredith felt a pair of lips graze the back of her head as she typed away at the tablet on the counter.
"Hey," she smiled as she looked up.
"Hey," Derek smiled back as he stood next to her typing at his own tablet.
"How'd it go with Dana?"
"Better than expected," Derek sighed, "We got clear enough margins and it looks like we'll be in the clear after some rounds of radiation."
"Oh," The chief sighed with relief as she moved from the station, "That's such good news."
"Yeah," he exhaled as he charged his computer and followed her.
"I need you to promise me something," Derek licked his lips nervously as he walked down the hall beside her.
"What's that?' Meredith asked as she opened the door to her office and stepped in. He stepped in behind her and closed the door.
"I know you don't like it when I talk about this but I need you to promise that whatever happens- if anything happens- you and the kids will be fine. You will- you'll move forward-"
"You're right, I don't like-"
"Meredith," he gulped before whispering, "I'm serious. I need you to promise me."
"Nothing is gonna-"
"I need to hear you say it," he pleaded.
"This is the nightmare isn't it? It's what you dreamed about? What was it? The semi? The shooting? What the hell did you dream-"
"Meredith!"
Meredith felt the heaviness of the promise weigh on her. She stepped forward and reached for him. Meredith placed one kiss on his lips. Then another, "I promise. But nothing is going to happen."
"Thank you," he whispered before turning to open the door.
"You need to promise the same," she called out before the door fully opened.
He turned slowly to face her knowing what was coming next.
"If we're talking worse case scenarios and nightmares," she whispered, "You and those kids. You'll take care of each other. You have to promise."
His lips turned to a grim smile, "Nothing's gonna happen. I promise."
"Uncle Derek?"
Derek quickly glanced at the rearview mirror and smiled at the small boy sitting in the back seat, "Yes Lucas?"
"Are you and Aunt Addie ever going to have kids?"
Derek laughed, "Are you getting tired of your siblings? You have a lot of cousins-"
"Yeah, but they're not fun like you," Lucas whined.
"I don't know Lucas," Derek sighed, "That's a grown-up conversation for me and Auntie Addie."
Derek continued to drive in silence as the little boy sat in the seat behind him. This was their fifth Yankee game he'd taken the boy to and it always felt like the first time. His brown wide eyes were always filled with joy and happiness as they watched and cheered. And yelled angrily. He wanted one of his own. He wanted a boy of his own to take to games, to coach, to call his own. He wanted the whole family thing that Addison just wasn't ready for. But for now, he'd settle with his nephew whenever he'd visit.
"If you have a kid, does that mean you'll forget about me?"
Derek blinked, "No, I could- Shep, I could never do that to you."
Lucas pushed his head back further into the seat before sighing.
Derek peered through the rearview and grinned softly. He looked nothing like a Shepherd- except the curls at the top of his head. He was all Adams. He was shy and reserved. But sometimes he'd done well with showing off the headstrong side of himself.
"You know, you and I share a name?" Derek peered again to the young boy. The boy's features crinkled into confusion, "Mmhm, it's true. When I was practicing to be a surgeon, there was a doctor- Dr. Webber- he was my favorite teacher and he would call me Shep. So all of my friends called me that."
"Really?" Lucas' eyes brightened, "Is that true?"
"Of course it is!," Derek laughed, "And then when you were born your mom said she wanted to name you after me and went with Shep."
"Why?"
"I don't know," Derek shrugged, "But you know what?"
"What?" the boy asked with wonder.
"I think Shep is better," Derek grinned.
"You're here!," Amy greeted as she opened the door, "Maggie said she couldn't come. But, Scout's upstairs if you want to go say hi."
Ellis ran down the hallways until she climbed each stair to reach her favorite cousin.
"Ellis, no running in the house," Derek called out as he stepped into the house he once called home, "So what it's just you, Kai, Mer, me and the kids? You said everyone else had other plans, too."
Amelia grimaced, "Well, I kinda lied."
"You what?"
"Hey how many plates do you-" Lucas froze at the hallway frame as he locked eyes with his uncle, "I thought you said he wasn't coming?"
"I lied to you too," Amelia grinned before turning from one to the other.
"Amy-"
"Wait-"
The door opened behind him as three little kids entered the house, "Dad, Mom says- Lucas!"
Bailey beamed as he ran towards his cousin and embraced him.
"Hey kid," Lucas smiled as he hugged him back, "Heard you took a big slice a while ago. How are you feeling?"
They high fived. Then back-fived. Then another hand movement. A handshake, like brothers. Like friends.
"We should have a secret handshake!"
Derek laughed, "You want a secret handshake? Okay, you make it up go!"
He recognized it the minute he saw it. Lucas has taught the old handshake to his son. Lucas had built a bond with him the same way that they once had. And now he was the one standing in the middle of it.
"Dad? Dad!" Zola's voice broke him from his trance.
"Sorry? I was distracted. What happened?"
Lucas and Bailey were long gone. The hallway was empty and he stood in his same spot.
"I found them!" Meredith's voice could be heard from where she'd parked the car.
"Never mind," Zola chuckled, "She probably left them stuck on the ignition again."
Zola walked into the living room leaving her father at the entryway alone again.
"I left them on the ignition. You should take them before I lose them again," Meredith chuckled as she closed the front door, "Hey, you okay?
"I'm fine," he replied nonchalantly. He stepped towards where the dining table was set as Meredith froze in her spot. So that's what that felt like.
Fine meant something was definitely not…fine.
"What the hell were you thinking?" Derek sneered, "He doesn't want to see me."
Amelia shrugged, "It's a family dinner. He's family. You're family. We're family. We are having dinner."
"He's right, Lucas hates his guts," Meredith added as she popped a carrot into her mouth. Derek turned to her and glared, "What? You're the one that's been moping around about it. Either you accept it or you have dinner and make it right. You can't blame Amy for this."
"Thank you!" Amelia grinned happily at her sister defending her, "She's right, it's time you put whatever is happening behind you. Help me with the casserole."
Meredith eyed her husband as the gears in his head turned, "You're not on call tonight so don't even try it. I know you."
"Did you know he'd be here?" he asked.
"I did not," she answered sincerely, "But he's here and so are our children. Get over yourself."
As she stepped into the dining room, she easily joined the small talk between Amelia, Kai, and Zo. Something about AVMs or whatever. He shook his head and joined them in the room. To his luck, he sat across from his nephew as his sister sat at the head of the table. For once, the kids had joined the table now that it was just them.
"Shepherd, David asked me to send his regards," Kai smirked, "He says you're missed out in Minnesota."
Derek snorted, "Sure he wasn't talking about Meredith? I told you he despises me."
Everyone at the table laughed- except Lucas who shifted uncomfortably- before Kai spoke up again, "Actually this time he meant it. He read the article you two published on the treatment you did on your quadriplegic patient. He was impressed."
"Oh," Derek raised his brow surprised, "I still highly doubt he said I was missed."
They chuckled, "Yeah, no, I lied about that."
"A lot of lying today," Lucas muttered.
"What's that?" Amelia asked as she took a dish from her brother's hand.
"Nothing, uh, can you pass the salt?"
Derek passed the salt over without looking up. The small talk continued
"How long are you in town for?" Meredith asked as she tried to ease the awkwardness between the Shepherds. If Kai was looking to stay, Meredith wouldn't let them be scared off because of any Shepherd bickering.
"Actually, I'm uh, looking into making a permanent move," Kai grinned. Derek turned to his sister knowingly. Amy could take care of herself. She didn't need him to fight her battles or to approve of anyone. But that didn't mean it would stop him from teasing his kid sister. Amelia glared at him. Shut up she seemed to say.
"That's great," Derek smiled, "I'm happy to hear that. "
"Um, Derek, are you still going to New York soon?" Amelia cleared her throat.
Meredith turned to her kids who ate in complete silence. The well mannered trio didn't bother to look up at the mention of New York and they definitely didn't bother with any conversation.
"Amy," Derek motioned to the children before eyeing her.
"Oh, right, sorry," Amelia caught on, "Hey, your parents are still out there right?"
"No idea," Lucas shrugged.
"You haven't called her? You haven't called your mother?" Derek asked, "I thought I told you-"
"You don't need to worry, it's my business whether or not-"
"Not when she asked me-" Derek scoffed.
Lucas set the platter down,"Oh is that why you've been so welcoming?"
Meredith and Amelia glanced at each other as they bickered. This would get out of hand quickly if either of them didn't intervene.
Amelia glared at her nephew, "Lucas-"
Kai turned to the kids, "Hey, uh, you guys want to go outside for a bit."
The trio nodded as they stood from the table. Meredith mouthed thank you to Kai as they all stepped out. This wasn't at all what she imagined the dinner to go like. She wasn't aware of how bad things had gotten between Derek and Lucas.
Lucas continued, "Because ever since I got here, all you've been trying to do is boss me-"
"It's not my fault things haven't gone smoothly for you here. It's not my fault your intern year-"
"Derek," Meredith warned before he could say anything hurtful.
"You know what?" Lucas chuckled, "I thought we could be civilized here but apparently we can't"
"Lucas! Sit down! Derek, shut up!" Amelia ordered as she turned to her brother, "Our family is broken. It's been broken for years! And you know this!"
Derek leaned back at his chair, "He's an adult now, not a kid if he wants to go-"
"And yet you insist on treating me like one!"
"I'm not treating you like a child," Derek shouted as he stood from his chair, "You came to us. You applied to Grey Sloan. We didn't play favorites- I certainly didn't! But we both opened the doors to our home and time after time you've pushed us!"
"That's not what I've done!"
"Derek, that's not fair," Meredith quietly added as she looked up at him, "He came to me-"
"You let every intern believe you and Amelia were sleeping together!"
"Only because she kept hovering over me and I begged you two not to blow my cover," Lucas gritted, "Besides, let's stop pretending this is just about me doing my internship here-"
"Lucas I'm sorry-" Amelia tried.
"You're right it's not," Derek stood, "This is about you being reckless and arrogant. You were the one driving and you were the one who wasn't focused. Just like you're not focused at the hospital!"
"There it is! You blame me for what happened to Bailey-"
"No, it's not your fault," Meredith grasped at her husband's arm, "We both know it's not his fault, Derek it's not the same thing as-"
"You have always been reckless Lucas," Derek yelled, "You're reckless with your life, with my kid, and with your internship. I have tried to keep you focused but clearly I was right when I told Meredith that letting you do your internship here was a mistake!"
Amelia and Meredith stared at each other. Derek Shepherd had a terrible habit of letting his anger dictate what came out of his mouth. A terrible habit. And they both knew it stemmed from problems deeper than even he imagined.
"Don't worry," Lucas lowered his voice before turning to Meredith, "I resign my placement at Grey Sloan. You'll have my formal resignation tomorrow morning."
"Lucas!" Amelia tried before he turned to her.
"And I'll be out of your hair tomorrow morning," he made his way to the door before he slammed it shut.
"What the hell was that?" Meredith exclaimed as she looked up at her husband, "What the hell did you just do?"
"I didn't do anything," Derek moved towards the kitchen, "I told you-"
"You pushed him out!" Amelia yelled as she followed him, "You pushed our nephew out!"
"I didn't-"
"Dad! Can you come help us please?" Zola's voice cut through, "Bailey was chasing Ellis and tripped. We thought it was a scratch but it's a pretty deep cut."
She zoomed back out as Derek followed her out the kitchen. He left the two women in the kitchen without glancing back.
"It's the accident. Bailey's accident," Meredith mumbled, "He's been like this since the accident."
Amelia sighed as she made her way to the kitchen sink, "Meredith he's been like this since forever."
"What are you talking about?"
Amelia grabbed a glass of water and sipped it, "Whenever something happens and he can't run from it, he's like a bomb that explodes. He's done it to you, to me, to my sisters, and now he's doing it to Luke."
Meredith sighed, "He's also a hot headed asshole."
"He is," Amelia agreed, "When my dad died, he didn't say anything. He was silent. Completely silent. He didn't even cry."
Amelia looked up at her sister in law. The death of Christopher Shepherd had been something no one talked about. He had only mentioned it once, maybe twice and even so, it was very brief. So quiet.
"I didn't even remember when he held me back until he reminded me," Amy continued, "And then we sat at the hospital waiting room with mom. And he still didn't say anything. He was terrified and he never said anything."
Meredith blinked. This had been something no one had ever talked about. It was a hidden secret about the man she shared a bed with and yet somehow she felt it was also some sort of intrusion, "He was scared."
Amelia stared at her with a knowing look, "You've never wondered why Derek Shepherd has to be the best at everything? Why he has this compulsive need to overprotect? Why he yells and berates people when they make a mistake and get themselves into problems?"
"You never said anything," Meredith shook her head, "He's never said anything."
It all clicked. It all made sense somehow. His Dad's death had impacted him in more ways than she had initially thought. It wasn't just a view of black and white that clouded him, it was a need to protect those he loved the most. A fear that mistakes on their part would cause him to lose them.
Christopher Shepherd had refused to give up a watch. It cost him his life and Derek, at the tender age of twelve, was forced to watch it all.
It was a big clue. And yet, she knew there was so much more missing.
"Dead parents screw us all Mer," Amelia gulped, "Even those you call McDreamy."
"Do you have the first aid kit?"
Zola passed her father the gauze prepared with antiseptic. She smiled as he noticed that she was already prepared, "What happened?"
"I tripped and fell," Bailey winced as his father cleaned out the deep cut, "I think I hit myself on the sprinkler."
"Why is Ellie crying?" he asked as he took another gauze from his eldest. He'd been sitting on a chair as his son sat on the table with a deep wound on his knee. It may have seemed small but it was deep enough to infect. And the blood didn't seem to ever stop.
"She got scared when Bailey yelled," Zola explained, "It was pretty gruesome."
Kai had taken her to the swingset to settle her down. They both watched from a distance as Derek did his best to help his son.
"Zo?" Bailey looked to his sister, "Sorry I was mean about you looking at different schools. I shouldn't have been mean to you."
A small smile tugged at her lips as she passed her father a bandaid, "I know. I'm sorry I was mean about Lucas. It isn't your fault."
"She's right," Derek sighed as he looked at both of his children, "It's on me. And the three of you shouldn't have seen what happened in there. I'm sorry."
He finished cleansing the wound. As he sat back on the chair and looked on his two children who apologized and recognized his mistakes..
"I'm gonna make it right, I promise," Derek whispered.
"I know," Bailey whispered. All his life, he'd only known that his father was a superhero. Some sort of hero who seemed to do no wrong.
But even heroes were human. And Derek had been showing that side of him more often than not.
"You two are much better than I could ever be," Derek smiled, "For a long time your mom and I thought it'd be just you two but I remember telling her that you'd always have each other. And now you have Ellis, too."
The two elder Grey Shepherds glanced at each other before looking at their dad.
"You three have a job to each other and that's to always watch each other's backs. Sometimes you'll piss each other off and sometimes you'll be each other's favorite person. But you should always- always- take care of each other."
The kids nodded. Seemingly understanding their father's words and not understanding that their actions had mirrored the much more complicated fights between Derek and Amelia Shepherd.
"Don't forget that, okay?"
The pair nodded.
And the world turned back on its axis for one brief moment.
"Lucas is spending the summer in New York, what am I supposed to tell him," Carolyn yelled into the phone.
Derek winced. He'd just grabbed everything in his car and left. And he wasn't looking back. He was headed west. To start again. And to get the hell away from New York.
"Tell him I'm sorry," he muttered back, "But I just- I can't stay Ma."
"Derek-"
"Ma, I gotta go."
He hung up the phone and froze. Was he doing the right thing? Was he really just leaving everything he knew behind? Was he abandoning an eleven year marriage?
What of the little boy who looked up to him? How would he explain that he wasn't abandoning him, he was just…running.
"Bailey's accident was not Lucas' fault," Amelia's voice broke him from his trance, "Just like Dad's death wasn't yours either."
"This has nothing to do with Dad, Amy," he rolled his eyes as Amelia sat next to him in Meredith's old swing.
"Everything has to do with him," Amelia replied as she stuffed her hands in her jacket.
"You know my brother? Derek Shepherd?" Amelia smirked, "He is a good brother. A good husband. A good dad. A good son. I mean everyone pretty much thinks he's perfect but I know he is an ass when he's pissed. And I know he doesn't mean to be. He just holds it all in until he hits wall after wall."
Derek shook his head as he listened to his sister.
"You've hit a wall with Lucas and you can keep hitting yourself or you can make it better," Amelia nudged him, "We made it better. Between us? You can do it with him."
Derek took a moment to process her words.
"Owen said there was an accident and my first thought wasn't Bailey," he swallowed, "It was Lucas. And it sounds terrible but I just didn't think my son would ever-"
"I thought I'd lost Lucas the way I- and we had just fought and-"
"You're mad at yourself," Amelia observed, "Things were finally okay and then one little thing caused a fight and then he crashed. Kind of like you and your own accident."
Derek nodded, "My kids would've grown up without their dad. Bailey would be angry at the world. Zola would be even more traumatized and Ellis? I wouldn't have even met her."
"It wasn't you in the car," Amelia reached for his hand, "And you are not Dad. You are here, breathing, living, seeing your kids grow up into the amazing tiny humans they are."
Derek nodded.
"And you get to make things right, because you are here," Amelia added.
Make things right. That's what he had to do.
Nothing was different about the bar. The Emerald City Bar had seen a lot. And there was a special meaning here given that it was where he had met the girl in the bar who would become the love of his life.
"I had a feeling I would find you here," Derek muttered as he sat on the stool next to the dark haired man.
"Seriously, you need to leave me alone," Lucas exhaled as he slammed the glass on the table.
Joe made eye contact with him behind the bar and nodded, "Single malt scotch?"
"Yes, please," Derek grinned, "haven't seen you in a while."
"That's because you're kids keep you busy," Joe chuckled, "Do you want another-"
"Yes," Lucas nodded instantly, "I'm gonna need it."
Joe approached him, filled his glass and passed another to Derek. He left the pair alone to wallow in the awkward tension.
"You know I had a feeling you didn't want me here," Lucas shook his head, "Mom said your ego was too big to have another Shepherd here."
"Your mom and I haven't spent more than a few hours in the same room over the last decade," Derek shook his head, "She has no idea what she's talking about."
A moment passed between the two as they each drank their scotch.
"A couple years ago, I had an accident-"
"I know the story," Lucas rolled his eyes,"The semi hit you after you stopped in the middle of the road. You were some sort of hero before that and saved four lives-"
"What you don't know is that I was dead for a few minutes," Derek muttered as he downed the rest of his scotch. He hissed at the bitter taste, "I thought you had-."
Lucas turned to look at him. Derek's gaze fell onto his half empty glass. That, he didn't know. His mother had apparently hidden how scary the accident had been. And it didn't help that Derek had practically refused anyone to visit with the exception of his mother. His sisters didn't listen of course, but he was clear about the nieces and nephews.
"My kids are showing signs of trauma and I am coming to terms that I have a lot of my own," Derek admitted, "I can't get a hold of it and when I was told you'd been in a car crash, Shep-"
"You thought it was me?"
Their fighting didn't allow for the possibility that Derek had been scared for him. These last few months he'd thought that Derek despised him and his actions practically confirmed it.
"You got on a motorcycle crash in high school after finding my old bike," Derek turned to him, "You're a lot more like me than you realize, you know?"
Derek grinned as his nephew chuckled a little.
"You're reckless like I was at your age. You dive deep into something without thinking about it like I used to. The difference is that you're not afraid to step up when things get scary."
Derek was a runner. He had always been a runner and would most likely remain a runner. But Lucas was made of something different. He wasn't scared to face him head on and tell him his truths. He wasn't scared to walk away and let him know he was in the wrong. All he wanted was to be recognized for who he was. And what he could be. What he wanted to be.
"What happened to Bailey was not your fault. I was in the wrong for taking it out on you," Derek reached for shoulder, "You're a good kid. And I know your aunts and I have cast a huge shadow over you."
Lucas nodded, "It's not easy you know. I thought that if I came here and kept my head down, I could do it. I don't want to cling to any name. I want to make my own."
"I know," Derek nodded, "And I know you will. You're more than just a name."
Lucas played with the glass in his hand, "I checked in on Bailey a lot."
Derek turned to look at him as he spoke, "I would ask Griffith to check in on you and she couldn't say much but she'd let me know he was doing okay."
Derek cleared his throat, "I'm sorry I left you alone all those years ago."
And with that. Two white flags were raised.
A war had ended.
A/N: Whoo! I have such a soft spot for the Shepherds. We know that Derek had a huge trauma as a child that was never addressed and it's only fair that his accident would add to that especially since he knows what it's like to lose a father at a young age. Not only that, he picked up his things and ran from New York and left everything he knew behind. He's a runner, we know that.
I hope I did this storyline justice and just for the record, I'm not done exploring this part of Derek but I did want to have Lucas and Derek make up somehow. My theory is that Lucas is so much more like a young Derek and we'll (hopefully) see that. There has to be a reason why Derek is his favorite. And why he was Derek's favorite.
Let me know what you think! I am grateful for all your reviews!
(PS! Thank you to TiniestLittleShepherd and mznguyenthai on Twitter who helped me find flashback scenes from Private Practice for this!)