"Why doesn't she know?" Wyatt asked as she stared at him down. She sat with her legs crossed, a notebook in her hand and a pen lightly tapping it. Her gaze sternly fell upon him. She was a no nonsense therapist. Someone who didn't take any crap. From either of them.
Derek fidgeted with his hands as he pressed lips into a thin line, "I don't know. She knows how he died but we never…"
He drifted. He never liked speaking about it and he had never wanted to add. She'd asked once or twice. But she'd gottent he hint that he just didn't want to. And Meredith Grey- though amazing as she was- wasn't always the most sensitive. And he got that. He tried.
But the true story of that day was a knot in his throat he couldn't untie.
"My wife has gone through enough," he shook his head, "She doesn't need anything more."
Wyatt observed him for a moment, "You're an incredible surgeon. One of the best. You're on journals, reports, articles. You go give lectures at some of the most elite schools, people come all over the world for you."
"What's your point?"
"Your job has always been a point of perfection," Wyatt leaned forward, "It's why you give yourself the chance to be arrogant. Because it's perfect. You worked hard to build a perfect career 's why you lashed out at Meredith the way you did- she stained your perfection when she messed with your clinical trial-"
"That's not-"
"It's why you were so angry at her for not wanting to leave to D.C-"
He shook his head, "That was my own fault-"
"And for a good decade, you had the perfect family," Wyatt continued, "No issues with the kids. They've been happy and satisfied. Meredith has been thriving as a surgeon. And you've been at the top of your game. Everything has been perfect until it wasn't."
Three brilliant, smart, kind children. A home that was literally dubbed, The Dream House. A wife who understood his thrive to excel and whom he loved passionately.
"I love my family," Derek shook his head, "The fact that they're experiencing difficulty with our situation- the accidents, the panic attacks- it doesn't make me-."
"I know," Wyatt nodded, "But everytime something goes wrong, you revert to that scared twelve-year old. A twelve year old who blamed himself when his father was brutally killed."
Derek stared ahead. Unblinking. The truth staring him down.
"You blame yourself for every imperfection life has thrown at you," Wyatt continued, "What you don't seem to grasp is how life is messy. And for some reason, yours has been one of the messiest."
"It's late," Derek swallowed, "I should go home. Sorry I bothered you so late."
He made his way to the door.
"Derek," Wyatt called back before he could open the door. He stopped. An internal part of him wanted to walk out and never look back.
But he knew better. He turned back to her, hands in his pocket, ready to push back.
"You two have come a long way," Wyatt reminded him, "Don't push her away. Let her in."
At this time of night, the catwalk had been empty. One or two people would walk across it but if he looked to the corner office, he'd see the blinds had been lowered. She liked the privacy, and hated the fact that the office had been such a public display. There aren't any pretty views anyways, Meredith told him as she lowered them once she'd settled in the office. And she had left long ago anyways.
But something about knowing it was her space, her area, gave him a comforting feeling.
Derek flipped the phone in his hands once. Then again. And again. A small rotating thing in his fingers that one little slip would cause it to fall over and shatter. But his very fancy almost 3.5 million dollar hands were equipped to not do that- even though he was tempted to. He leaned over the railing and sighed deeply as he finally stopped flipping.
It was inevitable. Amy had opened her mouth and now he needed to call. If he called now, it'd be around ten on the East Coast. Maybe Carolyn would be asleep by now. A perfect excuse to not speak to her. I called, he'd say, No one picked up. She'd raise a brow and smirk, knowing very well her only son was lying.
He clicked the familiar name on the phone and held it to his ear.
It didn't even ring twice when she had finally answered, "About time you call your only mother."
"I uh, I've been busy," Derek grimaced, "Sorry, I've been meaning to call you back."
"Have you?" Carolyn asked, "Well, you called now, I suppose."
"How are you ma?," he exhaled as he tapped on the railing.
He could hear shuffling in the background and the echo of the house, "I'd be doing better if you called more often. Amy says you and the family are traveling to New York, when can I expect you?"
There was some guilt. He'd been close to his mother and his sisters throughout the years. Called often, every holiday, until recently when his sister came back from a trip and shared with him a long overdue conversation. An old wound mended while his were still wide open.
He stopped tapping on the railing, "Uh, soon. I'm not sure when we're set to fly out but I know Meredith wants to take a red-eye sometime this week."
"Oh," the tone changed to one of disappointment, "So this is a business trip. Amelia made it seem as if-"
"It's not a work trip," he sighed, "But we do have things to do in New York."
A pause of silence lingered, "Well I'm happy to see my grandbabies any way I can. I haven't seen them in some time. I bet Ellis already forgot about me."
"Ma, I know you call Meredith and the kids talk to you," he snorted.
Carolyn laughed on the other line before it went quiet again. She wanted to be as present as she could and the distance didn't help. And truthfully, she didn't enjoy traveling alone any more. So she did her best and her grandchildren still loved her.
"Derek?" she paused, "You don't sound too good, are you okay?"
"I'm fine, ma," he lied, "I'm just tired. I'll call you soon, okay?"
Meredith had heard him the minute he'd entered the house. She'd managed to see the lights of his car make their way to the house. If her mind hadn't been clouded, she probably would've noticed the man walk in with a tired expression. One with exhaustion and completely depleted.
But her mind had been on the fact that he had thought to bring their youngest to see her do what she loved. Save lives. He'd had the brilliant idea to help her understand what she so desperately had tried to explain. Derek Shepherd was indeed her knight in shining whatever.
"Hey," Meredith smiled as she looked up from the laptop. She pulled her glasses off and tossed them on the table with her laptop as she got on her knees, "Flights are booked, teachers have been notified, the board met- I was your proxy- We are set to go!"
Her excitement was palpable. He could feel it, but he couldn't quite share it.
"Now, I really want to kiss my husband because I've been having really porny thoughts about him all day," She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed his lips, "Thank you for bringing Ellis today. You're a good husband."
She kissed him again until she slowly traced a path down his jawline and to the spot where his jaw and neck met. Her lips lingered a moment as she nipped at the salty skin.
"Mer," he muttered, "I uh-"
"Mm," she kissed him again as her hands reached for the buckle in his belt, she moaned, eliciting a shiver from him, "This first, talk later."
The belt clanged on the floor as her wands wandered the inside of his sweater, tracing the slight contours of his figure. She kissed up to his lips again, sending him into a profound sense of confusion. He could give in, let her ravish him until the sun was rising high and make him forget about everything. He could spend hours lost in her. Letting her hide him, shield him from the wound he'd just reopened.
Except he was just too…tired.
"No, Mer," he gently pulled away as his hands encased hers, "I uh- I can't. I uh, not tonight."
"Wait, what?" She blinked, "You're always in the mood, what's wrong?"
"Nothing, I just had a long night," he gulped as he tried to smile as best he could, "I need a shower and uh, I'll be back okay?"
He quickly pecked her cheek and pulled away, making his way to the bathroom.
Confusion clouded her mind.
What. The actual. Fuck?
He didn't notice the look of confusion on her face but he'd imagined it. He closed the door and removed his shirt. A sudden pang on his chest as it came flooding back like the sound of a gunshot.
"Derek? What's wrong with Daddy?"
Derek stared at the body on the floor. No pulse. No pulse meant he was dead. Dad was dead.
"Stay back, Amy, don't come closer!"
"Daddy!" She yelled again.
Derek opened his mouth to tell her. Nothing came out. Not a word. Not a single word. Just a buzzing sound all over the room.
Derek gripped on the edge of the counter and stared at the man staring back at him.
What a coward.
"So New York first and then Boston," Derek muttered as he made his way to lay next to Meredith. His eyes were fixed on the ceiling as Meredith typed away on the computer.
"Yes," she confirmed as she rubbed her neck. She didn't push him anymore and hadn't tried to sneak into the shower with him. That probably would've done it, but years and years of reading the man she slept with taught her better.
"Did you look at the websites I sent you? New York Tech has a good STEM program I think she'll like but Brookline has a really nice social emotional program that I think she needs. We should ask about that in New York."
"While we're at it, we're gonna have to go visit my mother," he grouchily replied.
Meredith froze, "Wh-what? Why?"
"Because Amy has a big mouth and she doesn't know when to shut it," he muttered, "I called her while I was at the hospital. I told her I'd call to let her know the dates."
This was all confusing. First, he tried to avoid her after years of insisting he wanted to be closer. He never answered her calls and kept his distance. Now, they were roped into visiting?
"Okay," Meredith blinked, "Is that why you're upset? Is she okay? Is something wrong with her?"
"She's fine. I'm fine, nothing's wrong," he gently responded, "She's excited to see the kids."
"Derek," Meredith closed the laptop, "What's going on?"
"I just told you my mother knows we're going to-"
"No, that's not what I'm talking about," she rolled her eyes, "You wouldn't call her back. You had a nightmare weeks ago, refused to talk about it, lashed out at Lucas during dinner-"
"Lucas and I are fine-"
"You are not," she insisted, "You are not fine. Derek I know you, I know my husband and you are not fine."
After more than a decade married to him, she could tell you what every single one of his looks meant. The angry one when his face turned into a scowl. The playful smirk when he teased. The concentrated eyes when he was razor focused on a surgery. The proud one when he saw his children do something amazing. And the hungry one when all he wanted was her.
He knew all his quirks. Every single one.
"Derek, what's going on? This is not like you, what's happening?"
"Nothing-"
"I don't want any post-it frames broken or rings hit with a baseball bat so you need to talk."
This is what you want? I'm giving you an out!
I'm not going anywhere.
Meredith! I said leave!
He sighed as he eyed her, "That's a low-"
"You don't have the best track record with your temper," she raised a brow, "I've earned the right to call you out on it."
Still nothing but an empty silent response. Derek was a talker. A chatterbox. Chatty freaking Nancy that it irritated her to a certain extent. He needed to talk things out. He needed to hear what was wrong so he could fix it. So he could try to fix it. Even in their counseling sessions, he had been the star pupil and talked. Talked. And then talked some more.
The silence terrified her.
"Fine," she shoved the laptop on the nightstand and turned her lamp off.
"Meredith-"
"No, I'm done asking. Every time I bring it up, you put up this wall and I'm not gonna try to climb it anymore," she settled on the bed and turned to face away from him.
Derek stared at the scans in front of him and sighed deeply. He was a 46-year old male presenting with a glioblastoma. Aaron had come to him after several doctors had rejected any kind of surgery. Derek- ever the stubborn surgeon- had agreed to try. He'd try to remove it using a treatment he had developed himself.
But now the damn thing had grown enough to a point where Aaron's speech had been terribly compromised. He knew what he wanted to say. He was fully aware of it. But the words just wouldn't come out. And it left his wife, Emily, with being the person to speak for him and with him.
He always made an effort to keep a distance. Derek couldn't get too close to a patient because it would blur a dangerous line between and if the worse were to happen, it'd be a break he wouldn't be able to handle.
But Aaron and Emily had been kind, persistent, and optimistic. It wasn't easy to try to pull away.
Until the scans in front of him told Derek the worse.
"Shit," he muttered to himself as he stared at the scans.
"Hey," Amelia stepped in and sat on the chair next to him, "You paged?"
"Yeah," he leaned back on his chair and pointed, "Tell me that isn't what I think it is."
"Crap," Amelia muttered as she studied the scans, "This is the patient you were telling me about isn't it? Aaron, was it?"
"Yeah," he shook his head, "Tell me I'm giving up too easily-"
Perfection, the word echoed in his mind. He had been searching for a perfect solution for shrinking, removing, getting rid of glioblastomas and meningiomas that killed lives.
"Dr. Shepherd, you and I both know what we're seeing here," Amelia stepped back, "I'm sorry."
"Dammit," he muttered as he swiveled his chair to the door. Meredith stood at the door, decked in her scrubs and a tablet in her hand.
"Is this Aaron?" she asked, "Please don't tell me it's your patient."
She'd also gotten to know the family. She'd seen the rallying team in the waiting room and had watched them all be ecstatic with results. She'd grown fond of it. And their joy reminded her why they did this.
"It's him," Derek shook his head.
She stepped forward and analyzed the scans, "What are you gonna tell them? Are you gonna try to resect it?"
"I want to try one last time," he sighed, "But I don't know, it's infiltrated too much. I'm worried about his quality of life."
"You may want to wait. It's already risky enough," Amy added, "His speech has been compromised for a while."
"Yeah," Derek stared at the scans again and released a heavy breath of air, "I hate these types of cases."
Once upon a time, Meredith would've said Derek was a tumor junkie. And to some extent, that was true. But seeing his own sister suffer on a hospital bed made him more wary. And his intent to fight impossible tumors was even greater. But sometimes, he lost battles.
"Are you okay?" Meredith asked with concern in her voice.
Derek pondered her question for a moment, "I told you I'm-"
"I'm asking as your chief," she straightened, "I know you got close to this patient. I know it's been tough. Are you okay? Or do you need anyone in there when you break the news?"
Right. She was asking as chief. Not his wife. This is where she marked the line.
"I think I need to do this one myself," he sighed as he made his way to the door, "But thanks, chief."
She couldn't help the way her eyes rolled as he walked down the hall.
Amelia pressed her lips together in a thin line.
"Amelia" Meredith raised her brows expectedly.
"Alright, alright," Amelia shrugged as she turned to chase after him, "I'm going."
Derek stopped for a moment before he opened the door to the exam room. There would be no surgery today but he still needed to break the news to the optimistic couple. As he entered, the pair had told him all about their recent trip to the Space Needle. They hadn't had a night like that in a long time. Ever since Aaron's diagnosis, life had been flipped upside down. And work had kept her busy.
He was about to burst such a happy bubble.
"At this point," Derek folded his hands together as he watched the pair tighten their hold on each other, "I would say that we should begin to consider stopping all treatment."
Emily released a sob, "But, I mean it had shrunk! It was working."
"I know," Derek nodded, "But it's come back and this time, it's much bigger than we anticipated. I know this isn't what you wanted to hear and I know it's devastating."
Emily turned to Aaron who was doing his best to console her while keeping it together himself, "It…Oh…Kay."
Derek watched as Aaron try to make it better, even if he knew it wasn't. Emily tenderly reached to caress her cheek as she wiped her eyes.
"We have two kids," Emily turned to Derek, "Dr. Shepherd, we have two kids and we need to… is there really no way."
Derek sighed, "I'd like to continue our current treatment with the medication, see how it progresses. And in a few weeks. We'll circle back and talk about options, surgery, if there are any."
Emily squeezed Aaron's hand and nodded, "We're gonna fight this right? We're gonna-"
Aaron nodded.
As Derek stood to make his way, goodbye pleasantries were exchanged and a sour taste was left in his mouth. He closed the door behind him and locked eyes with his sister.
"I'm fine," he gritted through his teeth, "This is the job, you know this."
"I'm not here as the chief of neuro," she softly answered, "I'm here as your sister and I know you and Mer are not in a good place right now. I lived with you, I can tell."
"Mer and I made plans to go to the East Coast this week- to look at schools for Zo," He handed her the tablet, "I've already handed down most of my cases but this one, I'd appreciate it if you personally handled it."
Amy sighed as she took the tablet in her hands. Her brother would talk when he was ready. All she could do was wait.
And while she waited, she needed to keep this patient alive.
"You got it," Amelia nodded, "I'll keep you updated."
Meredith walked down the catwalk and found him leaning against the rail.
"Hey," she stood next to him, "I just saw Emily and Aaron go on the elevator. She's devastated."
"Yeah," Derek nodded.
"Derek-"
"I hate this part," he rubbed his face as he turned around to face the view of Seattle, "I hate getting to know them and then-"
He snapped his fingers, "All hope is gone."
"I know," she nodded as she reached to rub his arm, "I'm sorry."
Meredith watched as his mind raced. He pushed himself off the rail and grinned unconvincingly,
"Yeah, me too."
She watched as he began to walk away. It didn't sit right with her that she had no idea what was happening inside his mind. That he was pushing her away like he had all those years ago when they just couldn't communicate. Dark days that haunted them. Dark days she never wanted to relive.
She followed him down the catwalk, "This isn't the thing that's-"
"Meredith, I can't-" he turned to her
"Okay so when?" she pushed, "When are we gonna talk about whatever the hell this is?"
"I just told my patient there was little I could do to keep him alive for his wife and kids," he stared at her as he quietly and angrily muttered, "You really want to push me right now?"
"Yes," she nodded as she approached him and lowered her voice, "I want to push you right this second because if I don't, you're never gonna tell me."
"What if I'm not ready?" he searched her eyes, "You know better than anyone that sometimes people aren't ready so please Meredith, I can't talk to you about this. Not now!"
Zola walked into the bedroom with a blanket in her hand, "Dad's on call tonight?"
She jumped on the bed and sat next to her mother. Meredith smiled and set her notes on the nightstand as she helped her daughter settle in, "He is."
"Mom," Zola sighed as she covered herself with the blanket, "I'm scared."
Meredith blinked, "Because of the trip?"
Zola nodded as she scooted down further on the bed, hiding away from the cruelties of her fear, "What if nothing comes out of it?"
Meredith soothed her daughter's cheek, "Well we keep looking until we find a way to help you. We're not giving up on you, Zo."
"Mom," Ellis' voice cut through them as she walked into the room, "I can't sleep."
Meredith giggled as she watched her youngest hop on the bed and lay next to her sister.
"Is this gonna be a slumber party since Dad isn't here?" Meredith chuckled as a third voice interrupted them.
"That means I'm the man of the house," Bailey announced as he walked in and laid on the end of the bed.
Meredith laughed as the girls bickered with him.
"You are not the man of the house!"
"No you're not."
Meredith chuckled, "Want to stay the night here? We can watch a movie?"
Zola raised a brow, "What about Bailey's snoring?"
"Hey," Bailey protested.
Her mind wasn't fully clear of him. It never was. But right now, she could bask in the beauty of the three other treasures in life.
The head of each department settled on small talk as they waited.
"Why are we here?" Amelia turned to the chief as she entered the room, "What's happening?"
Derek entered behind her and closed the door. He glanced quickly at his wife and made his way to an empty chair next to his sister-in-law.
"Okay, that's everyone. Let's get started. This will be quick. I just have an announcement. I'll be taking a very brief leave of absence- as will Dr. Shepherd. So we'll need an interim chief to-"
"Not me," Bailey announced, "I ain't doing it."
Everyone chuckled.
"We assumed," Meredith smiled, "Actually I already asked Dr. Hunt since he's been in the position before and his department is co-run by Dr. Altman. It's an easy transition."
"It's temporary, right Grey? I'm not interested in doing this again for the long run," He raised a brow.
"Yes, and if you screw up, I will fire you," She grinned.
"What about the residency program?" Amelia asked, "Do you need someone to cover that while the both of you are gone?"
"I was hoping you could take over, Dr. Shepherd," Derek turned to his sister and smiled.
"Me? Really?," Amelia proudly straightened, "About time I got some recognition around here. I promise not to destroy your program."
Derek raised his brow before she resigned, "Completely. I won't destroy it completely."
The room echoed with chuckles as Derek turned to Meredith who didn't make eye contact with him.
"Out of curiosity," Maggie raised her hand, "Did you have any other considerations for interim chief?"
"I did," Meredith nodded, "But the board decided they wanted someone with experience to helm the programs in our absence. I'm the chief but I still have to run things by them."
The board was still very much engaged in all things with the hospital even if they were spread out in different states. Arizona Robbins and Callie Torres were in New York. Jackson Avery in Boston. Richard and Miranda were both in Seattle. Who knew where Meredith and Derek would land next?
Maggie nodded, "Just curious."
Derek furrowed his brow and turned to her.
"They've also been generous enough to approve a complete overhaul of the clinic," Meredith grinned, "It will reopen next week to promote women's health and will provide services to any woman who seeks reproductive health assistance Dr. Bailey will be overseeing it after carefully curating a team."
The staff turned to the former chief and applauded her efforts. Another move in the right direction. Dr. Grey had fulfilled everything she had set out to do. Provide space for her surgeons to grow and reinstate a residency program that lived up to it's previous legacy. In the process, she'd been cementing her own.
"Okay, stop it, none of that," Bailey waved her hands, "It's just one small dent in this mess our politicians have made so don't applaud until everyone has equal health care access. Then you can clap"
Meredith nodded.
"Okay, please submit your budget reports and proposals by the end of the day," she stood from her seat, "Let's get to work."
The attendings walked out of the room leaving only two behind.
"Meredith-"
Meredith shuffled papers without looking up at him, "Are you ready to talk about it?"
"That's not-"
"Then I have to go," she moved to open the door.
"Meredith!"
"No, I'm tired," She turned to him, "I've got a lot on my mind with the kids, the schools, the hospital. You are choosing to shut me out? Fine. Right now, I have to go. Let me know when you're ready."
Lucas watched from the nurses station. He lowered his sight back to the tablet in his hands as his uncle walked towards him.
"I didn't hear anything," Lucas muttered as his uncle reached him.
"You suck at lying," Derek sighed.
"Sorry," Lucas shrugged, "Word on the street is that you're going to Shepherd headquarters tomorrow."
Derek scoffed, "Yeah, we're flying out tonight."
"If my mother asks," he looked up at him, "I'm in my own apartment and not with Aunt Amelia."
"If I see your mother, I will be running the other way. It's enough going to my mother's house," he muttered.
"Nana is not that bad," Lucas snickered, "Does she knock people off their pedestal? Yeah. Is she a little too honest? Oh yeah, but she's not as bad as my mother."
"Yeah," Derek sighed, "You called your mom?"
"No," he shook his head, "And save the speech please? I know you didn't call yours either."
Derek chuckled, "Remember when you were a kid? You would spend your summers in New York and you wanted to go on the Harley I had- before the crash. We'd go to the Yankee games and you'd always get popcorn."
Lucas smiled fondly, "Mom would always be so pissed because you'd get me every snack I wanted and I'd be throwing up as soon as I was back at the house."
They laughed together before Lucas spoke again, "And then you'd take me to that house out in the Hamptons you had with Aunt Addie and I'd run all over the beach."
Derek nodded, "One of the few things I can say I miss about New York."
"Are you okay?" Lucas asked.
"He is not because he's on his way to relive the joys of your childhood and teenage years," Amelia smirked as she approached the pair, "Sorry am I interrupting something?"
"You," Derek blinked, "It's your fault my wife isn't talking to me."
"My fault? What the hell did I do? I don't talk about you with her. Our conversations don't revolve around you, you jackass."
Lucas stifled a chuckle before Derek and Amelia glared at him. He coughed, "Sorry, but she called you a-"
Derek glared again and clenched his jaw.
"I'll shut up now," he cleared his throat.
"You had to tell our mother. Now I'm pissed and can't even tell my wife why," he shook his head as the trio walked down the hall.
"Oh please, that's not my fault," she scoffed, "I may have snitched but it's not my fault Mer's mad."
The trio walked together down the hall, "No, it's not. Sorry."
"Yeah, yeah," Amelia shrugged, "You know she asked?"
"What?" Derek furrowed his brows together.
"Meredith. She asked about what why you've been on edge about-"
"Amelia," he tensed. Lucas looked up from the tablet, he'd rarely heard his uncle refer to her that way.
"Don't worry, I said nothing," her eyes widened, "I am only mentioning it because you are my brother and she is practically my sister- in a non-incestuous way- and she deserves to know. She's gone through a lot and so have you. The least you could do is open up."
"When did you become the voice of reason?"
"When my fiance overdosed, my baby had anencephaly, and my brother almost died due to medical negligence," she shrugged, "I've lived lifetimes, brother."
"Yeah you have," he sighed as he watched her walk away, "How's my nephew?"
"Standing behind you," Lucas deadpanned.
"I don't think he was talking about you," Amelia retorted. The pair were sometimes too much alike. The line between aunt had been blurred and sometimes they were more like siblings.
"Scout is doing good," Amelia smiled at her brother, "He was running down the hallway the other day and he tripped. I got scared for a second there because I expected a loud scream but I was pleasantly surprised when he just got himself back up and ran back to me."
"He's still sticking things up his nose?"
"Nope. Now he's eating them," Amelia laughed, "As soon as you're back I'll bring him over."
Derek nodded as he watched his sister walk away before beckoning her once more, "Amy!"
She swiftly turned.
"How the hell are you fine? How have you-" he sighed, "How the hell are you fine after everything and I'm here trying to put together-"
The pieces of a broken twelve year old boy. That's what he was doing. Putting back together the pieces of a broken twelve year old.
"I'm not," she chuckled softly, "I just make a choice every day and try to take a step forward. But that pain never goes away."
He smiled gently.
She walked away with her hands in the pocket of the lab coat. Over the years, the pair had developed their own set of secrets. Things their other sisters and their mother were unaware of. Things that ostracized them and made them only closer to one another. Perhaps that's why Amelia knew him best, really. The secrets they kept.
"Wait," Lucas blinked, "She had another baby? Before Scout?"
Derek turned to him and blinked.
"None of my business," Lucas looked down again, "I won't bring it up unless she does."
"Exactly."
Meredith threw the envelope of documents into the tray. The last of her to-do list before she left for the day. Before she took the red-eye to New York and came face to face with the rest of the Shepherd clan. As if she didn't have a handful of them here. And the next generation as well.
Carolyn had been insistent. She called him. Called her. And apparently called Amelia as well. She couldn't even blame her because if one of her own -whether it be Zola, Bailey, or Ellis, she knew she'd call until someone picked up.
And their relationship had developed. It had developed in many ways that had become unexpected.
"He's alive," Carolyn gripped at her hand, "Meredith, he is alive."
Meredith stared off into the distance.
"I should've left. I should've listened to him. I should've gone to D.C. with him and we would've never- he wouldn't-"
"No," Carolyn gripped again, "None of that. You did the right thing for yourself and for your family. You knew what was right for those kids and this- this is not your fault."
Meredith snapped back to reality, "I'm pregnant."
"What?"
She couldn't hold on to the secret any longer. Not when his life was still on the line. She needed to say it out loud to someone. And if it were to be someone- it'd be the person who loved him the most besides herself.
"I'm pregnant and he doesn't know," Meredith whispered again, "I just found out this morning. He doesn't know that the last thing he-he-"
"Oh," Carolyn embraced her and held her as she froze, "He will. He'll know."
"Hey, you got a minute?" Derek knocked twice as he stood at the door, snapping her back to reality.
"What?' she gritted angrily. The loud clang of the drawer told him she was in no mood. No mood for him.
He rolled his eyes and closed the door behind him, "Just checking in, I'm ready to leave when you are. Just came to tell you I'll be downstairs."
"You could've texted," Meredith moved to grab her briefcase, "Didn't need to come up here."
Derek rolled his eyes and placed both hands on his hips,"Is this seriously how we're gonna be on a six hour-"
"You shut me out!" She spat out as she slammed her hands on the desk, "You. Shut. Me. Out!"
He stood frozen, confused and with furrowed brows. He hadn't expected this reaction from her. He didn't think it'd be a fight that would explode this way.
"Seriously? " he raised his brows, "This is because of what happened last night? Because I didn't want-
"This is not-" she scoffed at the insinuation. A distraction perhaps, "You call her at least twice a month- once a week even and then you suddenly stop so she has to call me-"
"Meredith-," he moved to lean on the armrest of the couch, anticipating a long fight.
"And it's not just about her! You snapped at Bailey, at Lucas, Amelia has to-"
"Amelia?" his eyes snapped open, "What does Amy have to do with this?"
"Are you pissed because of New York? Because of the school there? You've always wanted to be-"
"This has nothing to do with that," he spat out, "I would do anything for Zola, you know that! Even if it meant we had to move out there."
"Then what the hell is going on?" she tried again, "I've been spilling my guts out to you, you made me promise not to freeze, and I get nothing?"
"Yeah, I know what that feels like, remember?" he snapped, "Look we're gonna be on a six hour flight with the kids, I don't want to fight. Not like this."
"So then why won't you tell me?"
"Meredith I-," he stopped himself before shrugging, "I can't. Not right now."
Nothing infuriated her than not knowing. Not knowing what a patient needed. Not knowing what was wrong. Not knowing how an intern had screwed up. Not knowing where she stood with Derek Shepherd.
"For the kids sake, we're not gonna fight," Meredith stared at him and swallowed, "But for our sake, I hope you find a way to tell me. Soon."
With that she grabbed her bag and made her way to the door. Leaving it open.
Suitcases were packed, arrangements were made, and tickets were in their hands. If the kids had been any younger, this sort of trip would've been more than a nightmare. But the worst so far had been the never ending questions.
Is Nana gonna let us stay over? What are we going to do in New York? Are we really going on ferry boats?
Eventually, they died down as they boarded. On one side, Derek sat with Bailey. Both entertained with whatever they had playing on the screen. On the other side, Meredith sat between her daughters, and read until the pair fell asleep.
If the kids suspected any rift, they didn't mention it. Perhaps it had been due to the excitement of a trip requiring a plane. Something that only happened once or twice in their lives.
The six hour flight seemed eternal, and eventually, Ellis had leaned over Meredith and Zola had done the same on the other side. Bailey rested his head on the window. Of the two parents, she'd been the most physically uncomfortable. But knowing her, she wouldn't complain. Especially if they were fighting. Derek unbuckled his belt and moved to grab his youngest as best he could.
"Here, let me take over," he whispered as he sat next to her and pulled Ellis into his arms, "You look uncomfortable."
"I'm fine I got-" Meredith rolled her eyes.
"You've been shifting around trying to find a comfortable way to sit," he raised a brow, "Let me take over."
"Fine," she conceded as he sat on the same seat his daughter had and pulled her in his arms. A great way to get closer to her, Meredith noticed, "I'm still mad at you."
He turned to her, "I know you are."
Their eyes met briefly, slowly trying to find a truce between the two. Long enough for the trip, but enough to remind them that this fight wouldn't be over soon.
"I'm still mad at you but I'm using you as a pillow," she put her head on his shoulder.
"Okay," he whispered as he settled his head alongside hers.
For a moment, they sailed on smoothe waters. Both quiet and at peace as their kids slept.
But that ended when Meredith lifted her head to look at him, "Why won't you tell me?"
"Tell you what?" Derek asked as he shook off any sleep that would've overtaken him.
"For a brain surgeon, you're kind of a moron," she shook her head, "Why won't you tell me what's wrong?"
Derek exhaled heavily as he shook his head. It was as if rocks were on his chest and the fact that Meredith had caught on fairly quickly had worsened it.
"Derek, I'm your wife," she sighed, "We've come too far for you to shut me out like this."
Derek pressed a kiss on his daughter's forehead as she shuffled a bit.
"And I don't want to shut you out. I just don't want to talk about it now because I'm not ready," he whispered again, "I'm not ready yet."
"Will you ever be?"
"I'm working on it," he smiled gently.
"You can tell me anything, you know?" she whispered as she searched his eyes, "I'm not gonna run."
"I know," he nodded, "I'm not running, either, I promise."
"So then why does it feel like you are?"
"You think I'm running from you?"
"I think something's scaring you and you're running from it. I just can't figure out why."
She settled her head between his shoulder and his neck. Something didn't fully sit right but she didn't have much of a choice but wait. Wait until he is ready.
"You're not-? I mean there isn't anyone-"
"What?" His eyes practically bulged out of their sockets, "You think I'm-"
"I'm just- look the last time we were distant, a stupid transplant surgeon was involved and the time before that, a fellow was involved. And you didn't want to-"
"Meredith," he laughed heartily before his gaze met hers, "Me not wanting to talk about it yet isn't because I don't want you. Besides you've already threatened to kill me, I think I've learned my lesson-"
"Did you do something illegal?" She continued to ramble, "Find out a deep dark secret about Amy? Lucas? Did Maggie tell you something? Because if she did I-"
"Meredith," he shook his head again, "It's complicated. And this trip to New York isn't- it's just-"
She noticed the way he struggled. The way he couldn't truly muster the courage to tell her everything.
"I was in Wyatt's office that night," he offered. It was all he could offer, "I just needed a minute to process. That's it."
Wyatt's office. It suddenly clicked and made sense. He didn't talk to her not because he truly didn't want to. He was finding a way. And he was talking to someone. Someone he trusted. Someone they both trusted and could help him. She'd been there once or twice. Stubbornly and cynically.
"Okay," she conceded, "I get it. I've been there. I've been not ready to tell you something and I've run to her. So if you are going to Wyatt or any other shrink, then I get, but Derek?"
His gaze made their way back to her, "You'll tell me right? When you're ready?"
"I will," he nodded, "I promise."
"You talk too much," a voice sleepily muttered, making the pair jump. Ellis adjusted herself again, "I'm sleeping here."
They couldn't help the slight chuckle that escaped them as Meredith pushed her daughter's head back and rested against his shoulder again.
Derek pressed his lips against her blonde hair and inhaled her scent. He should've been over the moon. His youngest in his arms and the love of his life wrapped around his arm.
He should've been, but he wasn't. Instead, he felt suffocated. Like he was drowning.
And there was no way out.
"There are my grandchildren," Carolyn beamed as she stepped out of the door and opened her arms to the family of five exiting the cab, "Look at you! Ellis Carolyn, look at you! Wasn't I just holding you as a newborn? When did you grow up?"
"I'm not that tall yet, Nana!" Ellis giggled as she embraced her, "See?"
"Bailey, you handsome young man, you look just like your father when he was your age!" She smiled as the boy went to embrace her as well.
"Mom says not the hair. Definitely not the hair," Bailey smiled as he also wrapped his arms around her.
"True but you have his smile," Carolyn ruffled his blonde locks and turned to the eldest Grey-Shepherd.
"And you, Zola, look at you," Carolyn beamed, "Let me see you, turn around!"
Zola giggled as she humored her grandmother. She'd always done that as a child whenever she saw her nana. She loved the attention and had always twirled.
"Oh my goodness, you are a tall beauty," Carolyn grabbed her and held her cheeks on each palm, "The last time I saw you, you were still shorter than me. You carried some kind of medical doll your parents got you."
Derek turned to Meredith and shook his head. She giggled a little as she pictured a young Zola carrying her own Anatomy Jane.
"Look at you now," Carolyn admired, "Stop growing, it makes me feel old."
"Anatomy Jane, it's somewhere in my room," Zola wrapped her arms around her, "I missed you too."
Carolyn placed her hands on both sides of her face, "I made cookies for you and your siblings. They're on the counter."
Zola thanked her and made her way in.
The next person to greet Carolyn was the woman who loved her son just as much or even more than she did.
"I'm assuming you're not letting him get around so easily ," Carolyn turned to her son's wife.
"Never have, never will," Meredith smirked as she stepped up the final step.
"Even better," Carolyn approved as she embraced her warmly. She closed her eyes before whispering, "It's good to see you, Meredith."
"It's good to see you," Meredith whispered back.
The quiet appreciation went without words. They had both seen darkness in the world. And surprisingly, they were more alike than they expected to be.
Meredith stepped back and allowed her a better view of the fifth member. The one who'd been avoiding her.
"And you," Carolyn glared at the fifth member standing at a distance, "You don't call. You don't pick up the phone. It's like someone else raised you, care to explain yourself?"
"It's good to see you too, ma," Derek grinned, "I've just been busy."
"Baloney," she pointed, "This one's a mother and chief of surgery and she still picks up the phone. You have no excuse. Even Amelia picks up the phone once in a blue moon."
"Sorry," Derek nodded.
As they stepped in, Carolyn turned to the two adults, "How long are you here for? I've set up a room for the girls, one for Bailey and one for you two-"
"Ma, Mer and I were thinking about getting a room in the little hotel in town."
Meredith turned to the pair and joined Derek, "We don't want to disturb you with the three kids and we're really only here for just a few days."
"Nonsense, this is your home," Carolyn eyed Derek before turning to her daughter in law, "And yours and my grandbabies. There's enough room for everyone and you are all staying here."
"Ma-"
"That's that," Carolyn left no room for discussion, "Now tell me, how have you been?"
"Carolyn-"
Derek furrowed his brow as he turned to his wife, "Carolyn? Since when do you-"
"Stop it," Carolyn insisted, "I rarely get to see those three. I want to spend time with them and I am going to. I'm not gonna be alive very much longer-"
"Ma-"
"-and I'm gonna spend every second I can with them."
"Zola, Bailey, Ellis, I made cookies! Come tell me all about school while your dad helps your mom get settled. You two are staying in the one your sisters Nancy and Kathy used to share."
"Bossed around by every woman in my life," Derek sighed as he nudged Meredith to the hallway.
"You're a very lucky man," Meredith laughed as she patted his arms and led the way, "Which room?"
"Third one down," he grabbed a suitcase, and walked down the hall. Meredith eyed a few of the photographs gracing the walls of the Shepherd home. She easily identified each sibling in each photo. Meredith made a mental note to ask Carolyn for an old album.
As Derek opened the door, he let her into the bedroom first.
Meredith looked around as she dropped her carry-on, "Bathroom?"
"In there," he nodded to the door. He shifted uncomfortably. The room looked nothing like he remembered. Any trace of his sisters was gone. Carolyn had changed it and transformed it into a guest room. She'd done that after each Shepherd child had come and cleared out the final memories of their childhood. Every single one had done that with the exception of one. Derek.
"I need a shower," Meredith sighed as she shook him out of his trance, "I feel gross after the plane ride."
"You want company?" he smirked as he wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her, "Kids are busy with my-"
"Oh now you want to? After denying me the other night?," she gasped, "See, I know what you're doing and it's not gonna work. We are not. Having sex. In your mother's house. Besides, I'm still mad at you."
"Who said anything about sex?" he raised his brows before smirking, "It's called water conservation."
"No! There will be no water conservation or whatever and there will be no sex," she hissed, "It's your mother's house!"
"Mm," he hummed as he released her, "Fine. I'm gonna go settle the kids' rooms."
Meredith chuckled as she watched him step out of the room and close it behind her.
This trip would be more than a search for a new school. It'd be more than an opportunity to spend time as a family.
Something told her that this trip would lead to big changes and new awakenings.
She just didn't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing.
A/N: Writing Derek is hard! Sometimes I want to go full McDreamy but I know he's so complex and deserves a depth. And there's a fine line with him. It's also interesting to write them as opposites. Meredith wanting to communicate- because she's been doing that this whole story- and Derek shut down when he's usually Chatty Cathy. They've both evolved but Derek is still somewhat stunted. Also, it'd be too easy to have Derek spill everything right away even though I considered that. There's a reason he hasn't and it's one I resonate with.
I can't wait for the future chapters but expect some delays in publishing in the next few weeks.
I'm grateful for you and would appreciate a review. Thanks!