Meredith stared at the headline. She'd read the article twice over. Then once more.
The Denny Duquette Memorial Clinic had been officially inaugurated as the Elena Bailey Memorial Clinic for Reproductive Health under the careful care of Dr. Miranda Bailey. The inauguration had made national headlines given the tumultuous times women faced. The headline was loud and clear
Grey Sloan Breaks Ground With Women's Health Clinic.
Ridiculous, she thought, as if women's health was groundbreaking. Dr. Addison Montgomery stood alongside the rest of the female team that would be overseeing the hospital. A few quotes from Bailey and a formal statement on behalf of the board. And a photograph of protesters with signs calling her surgeons and health care providers murderers.
It was grueling and she couldn't imagine the difficulty it must've been for Bailey and everyone else.
"You okay?" Derek watched as she picked at the skin around her nail.
She looked up at him and sighed deeply, "Um, Dr. Bailey opened the clinic and they ran an article about it. I was supposed to be there and I had agreed to an interview with her. She said it was fine after she knew why I would be out here but I still should've been there."
"Bailey can handle it," Derek grabbed the watch from the nightstand and wrapped it around his wrist as he studied her face, "She knows how to handle things like this."
"There's gonna be protesters outside the hospital soon," Meredith sighed.
Derek nodded, "You didn't answer my question."
She swallowed. How was it that she was in New York for her daughter and still felt a pull at the hospital.
"I'm just worried that something will go out of hand and people will try to trespass and it'll just be hell for everyone," she tossed the phone in her purse, "But I need to be here for Zo. We're here for Zo and Bailey and Ellis and my mind needs to be here. I'm here, it's fine, Owen can handle things and Amy-"
She stood from the bed and grabbed her bag before her husband stopped her. He placed both hands on each side of her face, "Hey, hey, hey look at me for a second-"
"We don't have time for-"
"Just take a breathe," he softly suggested, "Everything is gonna go the way-"
"It goes," she hissed, "I know that. You always say that!"
She couldn't fight the annoyance she felt when he wanted to solve everything. It was a habit he'd never broken. One that gave her comfort, and anger. And right this second, she couldn't decide what she felt.
"Okay so what do you need me to say," he whispered calmly as his thumbs gently circled her cheeks, "What do you need?"
She exhaled as she thought, "Tell me we're doing the right thing. Tell me the kids are gonna be okay."
He nodded with a soft smile, "We are doing the right thing. The kids are gonna be okay. We're gonna be okay."
"You mean it? You're not just saying that to shut me up? Or because I told you too?"
"I mean it."
"Well don't you look smart," Carolyn complimented her granddaughter as she stepped into the kitchen. She'd set a plate for her of waffles and eggs, "Are you excited about going into the city?"
"I wanted to explore the city not spend my day on a school tour," Zola sighed as she sat on the table, "I wanted to go to the theater, the ferryboats, and the Statue of Liberty."
"Mm," Carolyn hummed. She watched Zola pick at the food placed in front of her, "Well, New York's kinda boring-"
"Nana," Zola giggled, "You know it's not."
"It's not," Carolyn sighed, "But I can take you another day and we can watch a show. Or your parents can, whatever you want. Right now, you just need to focus on that school."
Zola nodded, unconvinced and with a slight panic at the decisions on her shoulders.
"And if you don't like it, if this isn't the place for you," Carolyn tenderly cupped her cheek, "it's okay to say so. It's your future. You get to speak up. I'm sure your mom's already told you that."
Zola grinned, "Mom says to let my voice be the loudest one in the room."
"See," Carolyn grinned, "I knew she was a smart one.
"Ready, Zo?" Derek walked into the kitchen, "Good morning, Ma."
"Sorry we woke you up so early," Meredith apologized as she walked into the kitchen, "She has to be there by eleven so she doesn't miss her tour."
"Please, I'm glad you decided to let Bailey and Ellis stay behind," Carolyn turned to Zola who seemed distracted on her phone before whispering to Meredith, "It'll be good to give them a little attention while you're with Zo."
"Thank you," Meredith whispered.
"I made breakfast if you want to-"
"Oh, we have to be out of the door soon," Derek sighed as he turned to his mother, "Sorry."
"Well Zola ate breakfast and she's ready," Carolyn turned to the young girl in front of her and smiled.
"Okay so this school is in a good area," Derek explained, "Columbia is pretty close by which is nice."
"You say that because you went to Columbia," Zola followed her parents into the busy building filled with students. They wore burgundy and gray uniforms. They sped past her and seemed determined to get to their destination, almost like ghosts just trying to pass by.
"A little but it has a really good science program, it's ranked pretty high in all the lists, it looks pretty promising," Derek continued.
Zola turned to him with a look he'd known quite well. The same look she'd always given him whenever he tried to make something sound better than it actually was. And whenever Zola gave him that look, he knew he was in for a losing battle.
"Zo," Meredith rubbed her back gently, "Give it a shot. It may surprise you. Anything you want us to ask while we're meeting with the teachers?"
"No," Zola shrugged, "Why do you have to meet with them?"
"We just have a few questions," Meredith explained, "Don't be afraid to ask a few of your own. It's your choice, remember?"
Zola raised a brow and returned, "If it was my choice we would've spent the day exploring the city."
"And you will," Meredith smiled, "You're in your dad's hometown! Of course you're gonna get a chance to explore it."
Zola looked up at her father who had his hands stuffed in his pocket.
It was far from his hometown, but he had lived here long enough. But as he looked at the tall buildings around him, the busy streets, and the busy traffic, this was no longer home. Home was in Seattle. The quiet woodlands and the vast open floor home he'd built filled with laughs and shrieks of happiness. That was home.
"Tell you what," Derek sighed, "Explore this school, make a list of what you like and what you don't. When you're done, we'll do the ferryboats."
"Promise?" Zola smirked.
"Would I ever skip out on a ferry boat? Especially with you?"
Meredith raised a brow at her daughter, "He does have a thing for them."
"Fine," Zola heaved as she turned around and marched down the hall.
"That," Meredith laughed as she turned to the father of her children "That thing she does when she convinces people to do what she wants. She gets it from you."
Derek chuckled.
"Ass," Meredith huffed as she stepped out of the building angrily, "Stuck up, arrogant, ass-"
"He's a jackass but Zo may end up liking it here," he sighed as they walked in sync down the street.
"The first thing he asks is if we're sure Zo would do well at a school like this? What the hell was he implying? Why else would we be looking here!"
Her shoes clicked loudly with every step she took. Derek was one step behind her as he tried to soothe things down, something he knew he wouldn't accomplish. The principal of the school was a little too arrogant for his own liking. Dismissive of questions and with
"I know that, you know that, let's just take it one step at a time," he reached for her, "Let's let her form her own opinion and then take it from there."
Meredith rolled her eyes and nodded as he pressed his lips quickly against her forehead, "Relax Mama Bear, it's gonna be fine."
"What if it isn't?" she challenged, "What if this all fails and we don't-"
"We still have Boston!" he chortled, "Let's cross that bridge when we run out of options right now, we're finding our way. You made a good list, we have options."
"We've got a couple hours before we have to pick her up, so what do you want to do?"
They'd only been back in the city together once. Years ago without any of the kids. But even then, it had been on business. Any other time he had been back east with any of his family had been with Amelia or on his own or with one of the kids.
Meredith thought about her options for a moment. She could continue pushing back, she could mope, call Grey Sloan and follow up, or…
"Show me around," she smirked.
Cliche. That's what they were. They were a freaking cliche in New York and Cristina would be laughing at her and making fun of how she let her husband take her to stupid Central Park like a freaking movie.
But somehow it was a little familiar. They'd done this before. Escaped on their own to take walks and hikes. Away from the needs of a hospital and disassociate themselves from the two people that were most needed in the hospital. So it only seemed fitting that they'd do the same now. Hide away from the fact that they were both scared of what could come out of this trip.
Meredith turned to study his face. He stared ahead as his blue eyes sparkled in the broad daylight. Somehow, he fit here. And somehow he didn't.
"Is this what you did with all your girlfriends in med school?" Meredith smirked as they walked in sync.
He turned to her with a warm grin, "Oh, I didn't have many girlfriends in med school. You know that."
She tightened her grip on his arm knowing fully well who the girlfriend was. In fact, she was currently in Seattle- their current home state. The irony of things.
"Mark was the one with many girlfriends, I was the third wheel," Derek further explained, "I was awkward and not at all what the girls were looking for. I think she started dating me out of pity."
"That's hard for me to believe," She released his arm and stuffed her hands back into the pockets of her own camel coat. Suddenly she felt the need to retract herself back into her protective shell. It felt like it was the first time he had been truly opening himself to her.
"Really?" The absence of the warmth of her arm didn't go unnoticed.
"Mmhm," Meredith nodded, "I don't know, I guess I met you when you were this overly confident, enthusiastic surgeon who was climbing to the top of his game. It's hard for me to picture what Richard said."
"What did Richard say?" Derek turned to her with his brow furrowed, "You've been asking Richard about my time in residency?"
Meredith laughed, "Remember Ellis' birthday? He asked about Lucas and he might've mentioned how similar you were to Lucas."
Derek hummed, "I was a very different person back then."
He watched as a younger man sat on a bench on his own. A backpack rested on his lap as he seemingly read from some sort of textbook. He ran his hand through his hair and sighed in frustration.
"I can tell," Meredith replied as she shook him away from his thoughts.
Derek shoved his hands in his pockets and nodded, "Ellis has been happy. No outbursts, no angry tantrums."
"That's because she's been the apple of her Nana's eye," Meredith laughed.
"That's true. My mom has been spoiling her," Derek sighed, "She's always spoiled her grandkids."
"And Ellis takes after her so she can't help herself," Meredith added, "The other two are happy as well. I like that they have her. I like that the kids are enjoying their time with her."
Derek chuckled, "You think she'll survive the day with the two of them?"
"Oh, I think she can handle them," Meredith laughed, "She handled the five of you, that woman can do anything."
"She likes you," he smiled, "She's always liked you. From the moment you told her you were dark and twisty-"
"She told you?" her head snapped to him as she released a surprised gasp.
She hadn't expected to gain her approval after she'd gone off on a rant about being dark, twisty, and compassionate to murderers. She expected Carolyn Shepherd to hate her and tell her son that he'd made a mistake when he signed the divorce papers.
"Years ago," Derek chuckled, "When did you two start getting along so well? You used to call her Mrs. Shepherd and now you call her Carolyn-"
"I've been calling her Carolyn for years Derek, it just happened," Meredith turned to him as she reached for a napkin, "She gave me space and never forced me to be this cookie-cutter-kind-of-whatever-a-daughter-in-law is."
Meredith exhaled, "And she stayed when I was losing my mind after your accident. She made sure I was okay when I found out I was pregnant with Ellis. She was there, Derek. I respect her."
"She respects you too," he softly answered, "She's always respected you."
That, she prided herself in. She never strayed away from who she truly was and had gained the respect of Carolyn by laying down exactly who she was. Carolyn had two choices. Accept her or decline her. But even Carolyn knew that declining her meant pushing her son away and this woman had chosen to be her authentic self. She admired her and knew she was the one for her son.
"You want to hear a funny story about when she took us to a musical?"
"She took you to a- what?" she fought the urge to laugh. It didn't surprise her that her husband had been caught up in everything that his mother and his sisters had an interest for against his own will. But picturing a pouting child Derek had amused her more than she had expected.
"Yeah, she likes the theater and had the great idea to take us to some sort of musical- I don't even remember what it was-"
"Did you like musicals when you were a-" she asked knowingly with a cat-like grin growing on her features.
"God no!" He laughed as he watched her giggle, "I hated them. And when it started, I managed to sneak out of there. I practically crawled out. I must've been Ellie's age. "
"Okay, well, that explains why she runs away," Meredith continued giggling. She was pleased that their youngest daughter had inherited one mischievous trait from him, "so then what happened? Did she freak out?."
"She didn't notice but my dad caught me outside, actually," he chuckled, "Since then whenever my mom and my sisters wanted to catch a matinee, my dad and I would catch a game or ride the ferry boats."
Bells went off and the final key unlocked a door. Another puzzle piece was found.
"Ohh," Meredith gasped gleefully, "that explains the ferry boat thing!"
Derek nodded with a smile. It was a pretty simple story actually. Nothing too crazy, no wild adventures. Just Derek and his father running away together from the antics of the women in their lives. It made complete sense.
"And then Amy caught on and she started ditching my mom and joined us," Derek shook his head.
"You and your Dad were close, weren't you?" scared of what would happen now that she began to poke around again, she reached for his arm once more and leaned against him.
"Mmhm," he nodded, "We were the only guys in a house full of girls so we stuck together."
Meredith tightened her grip as she thought back to the blonde boy in his grandmother's home with his younger sister. He too had been his father's confidant. His best friend. And his father had been his hero. So much so that whenever he'd draw superheroes, his father had always been among the bunch from the movies he'd watch. They were a team. They were inseparable. And she loved that for Bailey.
"You and Bailey are like that," Meredith nodded, "You're stuck with women in the house and then you're stuck with the sisters and you two always stick together. It must be nice to have Lucas around."
Derek smiled at her as he thought about his son and his nephew, "Lucas was uh, kind of in the same situation. And Bailey handles it better than I did. He's- "
"Just like you," Meredith reached to thread her fingers through his curls, "He is just like you in every way."
She grazed her thumb against his cheek ever so briefly before pulling him down to kiss him. Deeply. Like reminding him that their kids were just as much the best of them before he beat himself down for the parts he wished would disappear.
He kissed her back, as if reminding her that the best of those kids was a part of her too.
And as they pulled away with smiling faces, he pecked her lips again, softly. Relishing in the brief escape of the day.
"Mmm," he hummed, "Want to grab a coffee?"
"Do you miss it out here?"
"Manhattan?" Derek asked as he sipped his coffee as he looked around. The cafe was busy and if anyone heard his honest answer, they'd be kicked to the curb. He leaned in to her and whispered, "Honestly? Not really."
She laughed at the way he smiled at her playfully.
"It's hard picturing you out here," Meredith smirked.
"Really? Why?"
"Well, we both know where Ellie gets her love of nature from and I don't know, when I met you, you were living in the crappy trailer-"
"My trailer was not crappy, it still isn't-" he tried to defend his beloved trailer that sat a few feet away from their home.
"Fine, but you were out on your own in the woods, fishing and doing all the nature crap. How'd that guy come out of this?" She grabbed her drink and took a long sip as she watched his brain turn its wheels.
Derek thought about it for a moment, "The private practice. The people I was around with. School. A lot of things."
"Mark and Addison?"
"Yeah, and Sam and Nai," he nodded, "And Addison's background. Her family was wealthy and she was used to a certain lifestyle, which kind of mirrored what my sisters' wanted so it made sense. At the time."
"And your mom was close," she added, "You liked being close to her, right?."
"It was more about uh, helping her out with Amy," he swallowed, "She was throwing herself off the roof because she was high on oxy. I had to be close to home."
Meredith stared at him for a moment. He was lost in a long forgotten memory. One that clearly haunted him for years and that pushed him to an edge. A resentful one he couldn't get off of. She could push for more. Ask how it hurt him. If it was easy for him to step up. How hard it must've been. How much his mother relied on him and how much she kept him at bay. But, this had been the most he'd opened. And for now, it was enough.
Meredith sighed, "Why'd you marry Addison?"
She knew it was what he was doing. Distract him with something she already knew. The complicated past she was already aware of.
"See this seems like a trick question," he raised a brow, "Whatever I answer will get me in trouble."
"It's not gonna get you in trouble," she giggled again, "I got all woodsy- flannel-wearing-nature Derek, I want to know suit and city and private practice Derek."
"Is there a problem with woodsy- flannel-wearing-nature Derek?"
She laughed again, "I would not be married to you if there was!"
He nodded. The Derek before Seattle was different from the Derek who moved to Seattle.
"She was the right person- at the time," he turned to her, "I loved Addison- I mean you know it's not the same as what we-"
"I get it," Meredith rolled her eyes at his need to over explain, "I get it, you don't have to over explain yourself. We're past this. Keep going"
"I cared for her. I did and she cared for me. And she was brilliant. Kind. My sisters loved her. Still do- at least Amy does.
Meredith nodded.
"Everyone said she was out of my league. Mark couldn't believe she'd agreed to go on a date with me," He chuckled, "I don't know, on paper it just…fit."
"And then you got successful," she remembered a long forgotten conversation, "You became absent."
"I did," he sighed, "It was a mix of things, too, now that I think back. I just…I was tired of…I was just an ass."
Meredith turned back to her cup on the table, "Do you regret it? I'm not- I mean, I'm just, I'm trying to-"
"Do I regret hurting her? Yes. We both hurt each other but I tried blaming her only when I had my fair share of faults in the marriage," he admitted, "But if things had played differently- and I'm aware of how terrible it sounds, I am- I probably wouldn't have met you."
There he was again. The blue eyed McDreamy who said things and did things. Suave and charming. Damn him.
How did you know Derek was the one?
Excuse me?
I know you hate me and all and you don't owe me anything. Nothing. No thing. What was I saying?
Derek.
Right. I want him to be the one. But I would know if he was the one. You knew, right?
You don't…I didn't…know. I just…Derek's the kind of guy…I just knew he wouldn't hurt me. I mean, not on purpose anyway. Not, the way I hurt him.
"Good answer," Meredith shook her head before raising a brow at him, "Did you practice that?"
He laughed.
Their hands were holding on to each other tighter than before as they walked back to the school.
"What if she hates it?"
"Well then off to Boston we go," Derek replied immediately with absolutely no hesitation.
"What if she loves it?"
"Well then we better start looking into homes. The kids will want a yard so something in the suburbs with space-"
"Something in Westchester? It's a commute but I think we could manage."
Derek stayed silent for a moment, "We have options. It doesn't have to be-"
"It would be nice, admit it," Meredith sighed, "Carolyn would see the kids more often and they are used to having family around."
Derek sighed, resigned to the idea that his wife was not completely wrong, "She said I used to have panic attacks as a kid."
There it was. Another chest open. A quiet confession she could tell he was scared to make. The sparkle in his eyes dimmed as he looked through the crowd of adolescents making their way to them.
"Did you?" she whispered.
"I don't remember," he shook his head, "I just- I've tried to remember and it doesn't come to me, you know?"
She did. She didn't need to tell him how well she knew the feeling of repressing things she wished she could forget.
"Funny isn't it?"
"What?" he turned to her with a questioning brow.
"The things we can't remember," she took a moment before continuing, "And the things we can't forget."
She'd said it before to herself. Over and over again. It had become like a mantra after discovering how truly twisted life had been for Ellis when she ran from Seattle.
"Yeah," he exhaled before turning back to the crowd, identifying the soon to be teenager approaching them, "Here she comes."
Zola walked towards them with her hands in her pocket. She pressed her lips in a tight line.
"Hey," Meredith greeted, seeing the distress in her daughter's face " You okay? How'd it go?"
"Anything you liked?" Derek asked.
"Um, yeah, it was fine," Zola sighed as she walked between them and walked ahead.
"You okay?" Derek asked as he quickly glanced at his wife.
Zola nodded as she turned to face them. She had both hands in her coat and shrugged, "Yeah, but can we go home- uh to Nana's house? I'm a little tired."
"I thought you wanted a ride on the ferry boats," Meredith asked, "Zo what's wrong?"
"Nothing, I'm just tired," Zola insisted, "I want to rest."
"You know you can tell us anything, right?" Derek insisted.
"I'm fine," Zola glared, "I'm just tired. Can we please go back to Nana's house?"
"You're back early," Carolyn greeted as she heard them walk in through the front door, "The kids and I were ready to make some dinner. Did you eat?"
"Uh, no we haven't," Derek sighed as she watched her daughter run off to the room she was sharing with her sister for the night, "Can we help you with anything?"
Meredith stood by the stairs watching her daughter disappear into the rooms.
"ActuallyI need a favor from you," Carolyn grabbed his shoulder, "I have a leak in the sink and I could use your help. You should take the old car, I don't drive it anymore but I have the keys here somewhere."
Their voices drowned out as they stepped into the kitchen. Meredith followed her daughter down the hallway taking notice how she seemed to walk quickly as if trying to run away.
"Zo," she reached her as she slumped on the empty bed, "You okay, sweetie?"
Zola pulled a pillow up closer to her chest and exhaled loudly, "I'm just tired. I'm fine."
"Don't do that," Meredith closed the door behind her, "Don't say you're fine, when you really don't mean it."
Meredith was an expert in doing that. She had always been an expert at convincing herself that everything and everyone was fine even if it was burning all to the ground.
"What if I am fine?" Zola's eyes followed her mother as she sat across from her.
"Zola," Meredith sighed, "I'm your mom, I know you very well and I know you. Everything is not fine."
Meredith searched her daughter's eyes.
"What's going on Zo?" Meredith whispered again as she caressed her cheek.
"I had a panic attack," Zola quietly explained, "They were showing me some classroom and I felt so alone like I didn't belong. I started thinking about leaving Seattle and I started thinking about everything that's happened there and I got scared. What if it's not the right thing?"
Meredith swallowed. Sometimes she felt like she was taking a step in the right direction. Sometimes she felt like she was so far away from it.
"What if it is and we just haven't found it?" Meredith asked. She could hear Derek's optimism come through her voice, as if she just knew what they both would say. They'd truly become a team.
"I just," Zola sighed, "I'm just scared."
Meredith nodded, "Change is scary. And I wish I could tell you the fear will go away quickly but the truth is Zo, sometimes we have to go through the scary parts to get to the best part."
Zola hugged the pillow tighter as footsteps approached the room, "Hey."
The mother daughter duo turned to the door where Derek leaned against the frame, "You two up for a trip down memory lane with me?"
"Derek Shepherd." An elderly man called out, "Is that really you? I haven't seen you since you were a scraggly teenager."
Derek chuckled, embarrassed as his kids chuckled around him. They'd seen the pictures, they'd laughed at the afro and the band uniform over and over.
"Stop," Meredith quietly chided.
"Mr. Johnson, I didn't expect to see you here," Derek smiled as he leaned against the counter, "Mom said you'd retired."
"My son is running this store now," the elder man nodded, "He asked me to watch it while he took his daughter to her dance class."
"Ah, Clive has a daughter!"
Meredith watched the interaction from a few steps behind her husband. Clearly, they knew each other quite well. The shop seemed somewhat familiar to her, even if she'd never stepped into it before. She looked around and noticed how it seemed to be stuck in the past. The kids also looked around as they whispered to each other.
"He does," Mr. Johnson chuckled, "She's a cute little thing. And I see you got a couple of your own."
"Oh, yes, this is Zola, Bailey, and Ellis," he motioned to each of their children who politely smiled, "And this is my wife, Dr. Meredith Grey."
"Oh I've heard a lot about you," he extended his hand, "About all of you really."
Meredith chuckled lightly. It was the first person outside the Shepherd home she'd been introduced to as Derek Shepherd's wife. She felt a small flutter in her chest as he introduced her and their children. Years ago, this would've been unthinkable. McDreamy and The Dirty Mistress with children? Impossible.
"My mother," Derek rolled his eyes as he turned to Meredith apologetically.
Meredith smiled as she shook her head, "It's nice to meet you."
"It's nice to meet you," Mr. Johnson, "You have a beautiful family, Derek."
"I do, don't I?" Derek turned to the kids proudly before turning to look around, "This place hasn't changed much."
"Not really," Mr. Johnson agreed, "We've thought about selling it a few times. But I couldn't bring myself to do it."
"You're gonna sell it?" Derek's head snapped to him, "Clive's selling it?"
"It's just not as profitable as it used to be," Mr. Johnson shrugged, "The pandemic hit a lot of small businesses and it hit us quite badly. We had a few big-time corporate guys bring some offers but Clive's not ready."
Meredith noticed how her husband swallowed and fixated on a spot behind the counter. He stared intently, lost in whatever world he was in.
"I know what this place means to the family, Derek," Mr. Johnson snapped him back to reality.
"It's yours," Derek cleared his throat as he shook his head, "You're uh, free to do what you think is best."
Mr. Johnson nodded as he kept his sight on the man in front of him, "Right, right."
Derek smiled. He would've gone anywhere except here if anything had been any closer. He regretted it the minute Bailey had asked why this small hardware store. Flashes of a younger Amy reminded him of the pain he'd felt that fateful day.
"Derek," Meredith whispered, "You're mom's sink?"
"Right," Derek shook himself from his own memories, "I need a pipe wrench. Mom uh lent out the old tools in the garage and I can't find anything in there."
The man nodded as he pointed in the direction of the tools.
"Dad? When I start driving can I have your bike?"
Christopher turned to his son with a smile as he peered from the hood, "You want my bike?"
"Yeah," the dark curled boy nodded enthusiastically, "but I don't think ma will let me-"
"You can have the bike," Christopher chuckled.
"Really?" Derek's eyes widened with joy.
"Yeah," Christopher chuckled, "Just promise me you won't get into any accidents."
"Deal!"
"What?" Derek took the change from the elderly man and stowed it in his wallet as he looked up at the elderly man, "Why do you keep looking at me like that?"
"It's just you," Mr. Johnson smiled and shook his head, "You look just like him. You're the spitting image of your father."
Meredith noticed as his features softened.
"Say hi to Clive," Derek gently nodded, "C'mon guys let's go."
As the family walked out of the small shop, the small bell at the top of the door announced their departure. The kids walked ahead of the parents 'as Meredith looped her arm around Derek's.
"Hey," she whispered, "You okay? You were lost for a minute in there."
Derek turned to her and pressed his lips in a tight grin, "Yeah, it's just, I forget that some people say I look like my dad."
"I've seen a few pictures," she whispered, "And I think you and Amy are the ones that look mostly like him."
"Mm," she moved to wrap his arm around her shoulders as they continued to walk, "We're set for tomorrow right? We're set for Boston?"
Meredith turned to him with a brow raised, "I think we need a day to decompress before we push another school at her."
Derek watched as the siblings chatted. They clearly were conspiring something as their ears weren't perched onto whatever their parents were talking about.
"She okay?" Derek's brow furrowed.
Meredith shook her head, "No."
"You okay?" he asked quietly as he squeezed her shoulders.
"Now," she whispered honestly.
He pressed a kiss to her head and rubbed her shoulder. He needed to get his mind from whatever this place was taking him to. His family needed him here and now.
"Daddy!" Ellis ran to him and wrapped her small arms around his middle, "Can we get ice-cream? Pleaaaseee?"
Derek smiled and looked up to the other two who had pleading looks splattered on their faces, "You put her up to this didn't you?"
Meredith laughed.
"You okay, princess?"
Zola turned to him and grinned, "I'm okay. I just took a page from your book and came to the-"
"Quiet," Derek finished with a nod, "I was looking for some myself."
Zola smiled softly at him before sighing. Dinner had been…loud to say the least. Carolyn had questions. Many questions. How was her day? Did she like the school? What did she like about it? What didn't she like? Did she make any friends?
And then she went through the entire day with her siblings. Carolyn played monopoly with the pair. She showed Bailey their Dad's old hockey things. And she showed Ellis her Aunt Amy's old paintings from school. Apparently she saved a lot of things.
Derek tilted his head and studied her, "Mind if I join you? I promise I'll be quiet."
Zola giggled with a nod as she watched her father sit next to her. He sighed and stared ahead for a moment as the two enjoyed the silence in the backyard. It was almost as if they were back home. The silence enveloped them as crickets sounded off in the distance. The stars shined brightly above them as the cool air wrapped around the pair.
"I didn't fit in," Zola sighed.
"What?"
"The school. I didn't feel like I fit in there," Zola whispered, "I was trying to be open minded and try to talk to other people like you and mom said but it just-"
"Wasn't right," Derek finished for her.
"I wanted to like it," Zola continued, "If we have to move anywhere, I want it to be a place where Bailey and Ellie would be happy too."
Derek exhaled. He closed his eyes and shook his head, "Bailey and Ellie are our responsibility, Zo. Let your momma and I worry about that."
Zola had a natural instinct to take care of the people around her. Sometimes it was sweet, and it made her incredibly empathetic. But lately it worried him how much of a burden it had been on her to feel the need to be overprotective of her siblings. Had they really hurt Zola so much over the years with all that had happened in Seattle?
"Dad?"
"Yes, princess?"
"What happened to your dad?" she asked shyly, "You went quiet at the store when he was brought up."
He blinked, "You noticed that?"
"Dad, I notice everything. Even things you and mom don't know about," Zola shrugged, "You never told us what really happened."
Derek looked down with a sigh, "It's kind of a harsh story."
"Okay, now you really have to tell me," Zola's eyes begged for more. They begged for more than he was giving and a part of him wasn't ready to open himself fully. But his daughter was always one to find answers. And if he didn't give them to her, she'd go out looking for them.
Derek shook at his overly curious daughter before sighing, "Okay, when I was your age, two guys came into the store he owned- the one we went to today- and they took everything they could. My dad was wearing a black watch Nana had given him and he wouldn't give it up."
"So what happened?"
"They, uh," he swallowed before lowering his voice, "they shot him, Zo. He died."
"How old were you?"
"Zo, it's a tough story, sweetie, I don't want you to have any-"
"Dad," Zola blinked, "I want to know everything."
"I was your age," he whispered.
"You must've been really scared," she whispered.
"I was," Derek nodded, "Can I tell you a secret?"
Zola nodded.
"I used to have panic attacks," he whispered as he pressed his lips into a thin smile, "Your Nana reminded me that I used to have panic attacks and hide in my room."
Zola exhaled, "Were they like mine?"
"Yeah," he nodded, "I uh, I used to break out into a sweat and crawl to the corner of my bed and freeze. Everything around me would move except me and it was terrifying."
"So you know how I feel?"
"A little," he shrugged, "I wasn't going to tell you but I figured that you should know that we're not perfect. I know you see us that way but, we're human Zo."
"But you're a really important neurosurgeon," Zola shifted, "You're a board member, the residency director and people depend on you. You're always there for my Bailey and Ellis and me and your always-"
"That's my job, Zo" he smiled genuinely, "My job is to be your dad and give you everything I have. My job is to protect you and raise you to be a kind person. And make sure you know how amazing you are."
"I would give up every single job I have to make sure you and Bailey and Ellie, and your mom, are okay."
He continued, "I know that right now it feels like you're not. It feels like there's something wrong with you and that the world is too much. But I promise you, it will get better. And one day, you'll have everything you need to make sure what you feel doesn't get the best of you."
Zola rested her head on his shoulder as he wrapped his arm around her and pressed a gentle kiss on her forehead.
"You're so brilliant and amazing, Zozo," he whispered, "You make me want to be a better person every day and I am so lucky to be your dad."
"Hey," Meredith peered into the bedroom that once belonged to her husband, "Are you snooping through your Dad's old things?"
Bailey turned around, his face giving himself away like when he was caught stealing cookies from the cookie jar. The one they used to stow condoms in.
"He had a lot of cool things," Bailey smiled.
"Mm," Meredith raised a brow, "It's like a treasure hunt? About Dad?'
Bailey nodded enthusiastically, "Kinda a little too old for treasure hunts, Mom, but yeah. Kind of like that."
Meredith hummed unsatisfied with his response.
"This was in one of the drawers," he sighed as he showed her a ratted paperback, "I think it might've been his favorite because it's ripped in some pages."
"Oh," she walked in and sat on the bed with him, "The Sun Also Rises. It is his favorite but I don't think this book is right for you just yet."
Her fingers tapped on the cover. It had been one of the first secrets he'd shared with her. She'd felt he had opened up everything but when his wife showed up, he was suddenly a closed chest all over again.
Now, she wasn't so sure.
"What else did you find?" She turned to her son as she held onto the book.
"Some old pictures of him and his sisters. And Nana. And one with him and his dad. And I think Uncle Mark," Bailey took the pictures he found and showed her, "Mom, what happens if Zola likes the school here? Are we gonna move?"
"Zo hasn't made a choice," Meredith shook her head, "But if she does, chances are we'll move. How-how do you feel about that?"
"I don't know," he shrugged, "We've only lived in Seattle."
"You're dad and I have lived there a long time too, sweetie," she sighed, "It's not easy for us but we'd do anything to make sure you're okay. And you and your sisters mean everything to us, we wouldn't do anything to hurt you."
Bailey nodded as he carefully placed the pictures on the nightstand. He turned to her and smiled gently.
"Mom?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm sorry I scared you when I was in the hospital."
Her heart broke at her son's need to apologize for something completely out of his hands. Something that was no one's fault except a man who wasn't paying attention to the road.
Meredith sighed and stepped back into the bedroom, "Bailey, I'm your mom."
She pushed back his hair and smiled tightly, trying to suppress the tears, "I am always going to worry."
"Where'd you find it?" Derek leaned against the door and stared at the book in her hands.
Meredith smiled, "Bailey was snooping. He's curious about things and I don't think I should let this stay in there. Anything else I should worry about him finding in there?"
"Nothing too interesting," he chuckled as he closed the door behind him and walked towards the bed, "Ellis?"
"Fast asleep, your mom wore her out,"Meredith answered as she kept reading the book, "She gave her some needles and they started a scarf. Then she read her a storybook and had her fast asleep. She is loving the attention."
Meredith giggled as he climbed on the bed and kissed her gently. He pulled back and kissed her again, and again.
"I warned you," she kissed him before whispering and wrapping her arms around his neck, "No sex in your mother's house."
"I didn't say anything," he whispered back with a light chuckle. He kissed her one final time before pulling himself off and flopping next to her, "I'm just kissing my wife good night."
Meredith laughed. She knew better than that. He was pushing away whatever was bothering him and masking it with something else. She mentally debated what she was about to ask. She'd ask. One simple question only. If he talked about it more, she'd listen. If he didn't, she wouldn't press any further. She'd simply shut the book and suggest they'd go to bed. That's what she'd do.
"Am I right to assume that the shop was the same one where your father-"
"Yes," he cut her off as he swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat, "It was."
His jaw locked. She noticed the way his teeth clenched together and how he rubbed his forehead with his right fingers. He'd done that whenever he was stressed.
She wanted to ask more. There was so much she wanted to ask. But she couldn't.
"We should go to sleep," she whispered.
"Yeah," Derek whispered back as he pushed himself off the bed.
"Couldn't sleep?"
Meredith jumped and gripped the glass of water tighter, "Oh!"
Carolyn turned on a lamp light and slightly chuckled as she watched her daughter-in-law compose herself, "It's just me."
"Carolyn, you scared me," Meredith exhaled.
"What are you doing up? You had a long day."
Meredith wrapped her arms around herself, "Just thinking about Zola. She hated the school and it just feels like too much to take her to Boston for now. Which, by the way, do you mind putting up with us-"
"You finish that question Meredith and I promise you'll be forced to stay here longer," Carolyn raised both her brows with a teasing smile.
Meredith chuckled as she moved to sit across from her.
"How has Derek been doing?" Carolyn asked, "Was he okay at the shop?"
"Derek is Derek," she shrugged, "You know him, he tries to make everything fine and-"
"And?"
"He's not fine," Meredith shook her head, "I don't know if it's what's happening with the kids but he's been distant. And quiet. And it's like he's so far away I cannot get to him. And today at the shop he was…lost."
Carolyn nodded, "Derek had a hard time when his dad died."
"I was surprised he came back to New York after he finished at Bowdoin," Carolyn sighed, "He had gotten accepted in different med schools and he chose to come back here."
"You didn't want him to come back," Meredith understood, "He said he came back because of Amy."
"He did," Carolyn nodded, "He wanted to take care of his sister and be a good big brother when he should have been focused on his studies."
"He did quite well for himself," Meredith grinned softly, "He's a world class surgeon with an impeccable reputation.
Carolyn laughed, "That's why his head is filled with air."
Meredith joined in the laughter. Things would be different if she couldn't laugh about him with her. Carolyn had always been one to see straight through things and ready to call things exactly how they were.
As their laughter died down, Meredith studied the woman. She had the same distant gaze her husband had.
"I love my son," Carolyn pressed her lips in a tight line, "But back then, before Addison and Mark, I knew he needed to be away from the place that took his favorite person in the world from him."
"I was angry when he called me to tell me he was leaving for Seattle. I felt like I was truly losing my son," Carolyn turned away as she wiped her tears, "But, he met the love of his life there. And he's built the most beautiful family. It's so much more than I could have ever wanted for him."
Meredith smiled gently. She would deny she ever cared for it, because Derek was a grown man and he knew what he was doing. But now that she had children of her own, she saw what that meant. To know your child had found someone they loved so much they were willing to offer their life forever.
"You should go to bed," Carolyn stood from her seat, "You have a lot on your mind and you need to take care of yourself if you're gonna be okay for those kids."
"Carolyn?" Meredith called out as she turned to where the woman stood, "Thank you. For taking care of the kids?"
She watched as her mother-in-law gently smiled and walked out of the room. Meredith sighed. The Shepherds were so complicated. So twisted in a maze of sadness and tragedy. Sometimes it baffled her how much she still didn't know and sometimes she understood the need to bury it all.
She stood up and shut the lamp off.
Tomorrow would be a new day.
A/N: I poured a lot into this chapter and I sat with it and reread it over and over because I'm in kind of uncharted territory and a lot is originally based on my own ideas and not just an adaptation like Everything Has Changed. That's challenging but I'm always up for a challenge!
I wanted you to feel a distance between Meredith and Derek with his silence and his push back and also this rebirth of their romance through their conversations and how Meredith is falling in love with this version of Derek opening up. Derek will get his chance don't worry. We're going to Boston soon. I also wanted you to feel the push and pull in Zola's mind. The focus needed to come back to her for a bit.
There is a lot coming up which requires me to take some hiatus here and there. I always want to give you quality and I have a clear ending in mind with a twisted kind of blurry road there because I've got some missing pieces.
I love your reviews. I love to hear what you think and I hope this chapter is enough to fill you for just a bit. I'll come back soon!