"Is she-?"
"Uh-huh."
"And she's-"
"She is."
Derek turned to her with a smile on his face, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"Parenting win here," she smiled back as their gazes fell back on the young girl. The pair turned back to their daughter. The sight of a happy Zola was something they were not expecting but something that made their hearts burst with joy. Until Derek realized what a happy Zola could possibly mean.
His wife had just had a moment in which memories she'd try to suppress had come flooding back to her. The image of her in his arms resenting the fact that she had never mended the broken bridge between herself and her mother would be something he would never forget.
"Mer," he tilted his head as he was partially unsure of whether or not he should pop the bubble they had just created at the sight in front of them, "She likes it. She likes it here."
Realization set off all the possibilities that were just opened.
But Zola was happy. Genuinely happy. And apparently she had made friends. She stood opposite another young girl with pink glasses. They giggled as they observed some sort of gadget balance on a string.
If Zola liked it here, and she was adamant. The choice would be made. Boston could be their next home.
"She's happy," Meredith sighed, "Let's focus on that for now, can we?"
Derek studied her for a moment. The Meredith in front of him was a different one than a few hours ago.
The one in the park had been a version of her inner child always seeking approval from her mother. Approval she wouldn't get in life. Not alive anyway. But, as she once told him, she can't go back and change things. All she could do was continue on.
And that was exactly what she was doing now. Moving forward for the sake of their children. Finding solutions to problems that seemed greater than life. Anchoring everyone down and knowing things would be alright. And fighting for everyone no matter the consequence. It's what he loved about her.
"Alright, so which one of us is gonna embarrass her and ruin the fun?" Derek asked as he turned back to their eldest.
Meredith rolled her eyes, "Well you're not gonna do it, you hate being on her bad side, you softy."
He laughed.
As if on cue, Zola turned to the pair and smiled brightly. She let go of the string gently and handed it to one of the girls.
"Bye Zola," a girl with pink glasses and crutches smiled back, "Hope we see you soon!"
"Bye Matisse, bye Sonata," she waved back as she made her way to her parents.
She nearly skipped toward them until her hands nervously clutched at the ends of her fitted blazer.
"How'd it go?" Derek smiled as she approached them.
She twisted her mouth into a smirk of sorts, "It was okay."
Meredith wrapped her arm around her arms as the trio walked together to the car waiting to take them to the train station, "Just okay, huh?"
"So everything's fine then?"
Maggie laughed through the screen, "Everything is fine. No one has had an accident and the hospital hasn't blown up. You left a steady ship, captain."
Meredith sighed in relief, "What about the clinic? Are the protesters still-"
"Protesting? Yes, and they will be for the foreseeable future so just focus on you and your family," Maggie seemed to be walking down a hallway in the hospital. She was still in her scrubs and had just opened the door to an on call room, "How is everyone doing?"
"Everyones fine," Meredith shrugged, "Boston's still cold and so is New York."
She'd refrain from telling her the secrets she'd shared with Derek. That was for his ears and his only. And Maggie's image of Ellis was far too different anyways.
"Okay, well give them my best," Maggie sighed, "We miss you guys."
Meredith swallowed a small lump. She did miss her sister. Both her sisters; Amelia and Maggie. She missed her home, her friends, she missed it all. But there was a wave of relief from being away from the heavyweight of the chief's hat. And some excitement at the possibility that something new could be coming.
"We fly back out tomorrow on the red eye so don't worry," Meredith smiled. They exchanged goodbyes before pressing the button and walking back into the restaurant, switching roles from the chief to mom.
Zola's voice was the first thing she caught as she walked back to the booth.
"-the spinning wheels create an angular momentum and that's why it was going so fast," she looked up at her mother and smiled, "Oh, I was just telling Dad about the gyroscope I was helping Sonata and Mattise with."
"They exchanged numbers and they are going to update her on their progress," Derek eyed her pointedly as she sat down next to him, "She has her own research project now."
Derek eyed her as if conveying a message. Zola had made friends. Zola had fun. Zola enjoyed her time at Brookline.
This was different from what they saw in the schools in New York and Seattle.
"Oh, wow," Meredith smiled, "You're gonna be a hot shot scientist huh?"
Zola smiled and raised a brow as both parents beamed with pride, "It's just a project their doing."
The parents turned to each other as
"I ordered lobster rolls," Derek turned to his wife, "How are things at the hospital?"
Meredith sighed, "Protesters are still outside Bailey's but Maggie says they're under control."
"You're worried?" he asked as he tried to read her face.
"If something goes wrong, it's my surgical staff that are the face of the clinic which means that I'm the face of the-"
Derek shook his head as the waitress arrived with their food, "Well there's going to be protesters for a while. Bailey can handle it and it sounds like she is."
Zola listened intently as she reached for a fry, "So we have to go home right? So you can head back to the hospital."
"No," Meredith did not hesitate to answer, "We are here for you. So no more work talk, tell me about the school."
The train ride had been quiet with occasional gentle bantering between the three. Zola brought up facts and information she'd learned at the school. She told them all about Matisse and Sonata and some of the other girls she'd met. As she spoke, Meredith couldn't notice the glimmer of excitement in her eyes. A glimmer of wonder and curiosity that had all but dimmed over the last year. Seeing her daughter that way put things in perspective. It made things right and felt like things were finally being put in place.
Even if she wasn't quite ready for such a thing.
"Hey, go inside for a second, I need to talk to your dad," Meredith instructed as they got out of the car that drove them to Carolyn's home. It'd be their final night here and a part of Meredith was sad to leave. They'd spent almost a full week spending time together, exploring, and discovering so much more about the Shepherds.
But the ambitious and professional side of her was ready and refreshed to return to work.
Zola scoffed, "Are you guys actually gonna talk? Or are you guys just gonna end up-"
"Zola!" Meredith chided as she tried to suppress a laugh. Zola's brilliance was sometimes too much for her own good. Then again, it was their own fault for nearly being caught too many times.
She watched as he made his way towards her with her hand wrapped around herself against the cold New York weather. Meredith tilted her head as she inhaled deeply, "It wasn't just me right? You saw what I saw? She was happy."
"Zo? Yeah, I saw it too," he nodded, "And by the sound of it, we've reached the point where we've grossed her out."
"We've been there for a while," Meredith laughed before her eyes softened, "You think she liked it enough? You think we finally found one answer to the million questions we have?"
"Maybe," he whispered back with one nod, "How do you feel about that? Can you see yourself outside Seattle and out in Boston?"
Meredith swallowed a hard lump as she looked into his blue eyes. If there was something Meredith Grey had epically failed in life, it was blatantly lying to her husband. He knew her too well and she'd learned to trust him too much.
"I-I- I," she stammered, "Derek, it's Zola. We'd do anything for Zo. But we have our other two who may not be too happy about it and we'd do anything for them too."
"Okay, well we also said we'd take things one step at a time so we'll cross that bridge when we get there but I need to know you'd be okay with this," Derek insisted as his eyes searched hers. His hands reached to cup her cheeks as her thumbs grazed her soft cheeks.
"I told you, my focus is her and the kids," she rolled her eyes, "Stop worrying about me."
Impossible, he thought. He worried about her always even when she'd proven she didn't need his overprotectiveness. He'd watched her in the darkest moments and pulled her cold blue body right out of the water, and since then, his fear of losing her to the dark was a great one.
His hands softly traveled from her cheeks to her shoulders as she rolled her head back with a satisfied sigh, "You want to go to bed? I can have the kids get their things ready, get our flight pushed up-"
She laughed, "You're really dying to get outta here aren't you?"
"We're lucky we've escaped so far without seeing my handful of sisters," he sighed, "It's been a long trip."
He was right. Their trips in New York and Boston had been one of the longest for each. He felt suffocated in his childhood home surrounded by his past when all he wanted was to focus on his children and his future. And Meredith had felt the rush of disappointment in Boston when she had felt she had overcome a never ending pain.
"What's different about this trip?" Meredith asked gently as she wrapped her arms around his waist, "You've come to see your mom before, what's different about this trip?"
Her green eyes searched his own for any clues. Anything that would help her find a way to open him fully. In the decades she'd known Derek Shepherd, Meredith had never felt so clueless. He was good at masking pain and setting it aside to help everyone else around him. And sometimes, he masked that pain by lashing out. This time, he was just masking and pushing through. She could tell.
Derek leaned down to kiss her gently, "I just want to go home." He kissed her again, "To our house," and again, "And our own bed," and again.
Meredith couldn't help the giggle that escaped her as he continued to kiss her, his own hands wandered down her waist-
"Okay," the door burst open as the pair quickly separated, "I gave you guys a few minutes to yourself but I draw the line at letting you make out on the porch."
They both gaped at the person who just opened the door and interrupted their moment.
"Liz," Derek blinked, "What are you- what-?"
He was practically ready to run as far as he could, but the surprise of her sister made him freeze right in his place. The memory of the last time he saw Lizzie was hazy. What he did remember was how often she'd call to make sure he was fine. At least it was what Meredith had said. Aside from that visit, communication was limited to text messages. Quick exchanges of how everyone was, a picture here and there, a question of some vague memory.
"You know he'd do the same thing when we went on dates with boys," Liz smirked as her focused turned to Meredith, "I'm sure you probably didn't expect the entire truckload to be here so I should warn you-"
Derek's eyes bulged out as he processed the words that were not directed at him.
"What the hell? What do you mean truckload-" Derek pushed the door back and stepped in as another tall, lithe woman stepped out of the kitchen and into the hallway, "Kate, what are you doing here?"
Kate had been the one with little to no communication with Derek- much to the surprise of everyone. She was there the days when it seemed like Derek wouldn't be back. She'd been a shoulder to lean on but had gradually distanced herself until there was a firm wall between the siblings that only worsened upon a visit Amelia had made a few years back.
Surprising to say the least.
Meredith and Lizzie followed Derek inside. Meredith could feel her organs twist and bend in all sorts of ways. She could muster her courage to deal with Carolyn, she'd developed a strong sister-like relationship with Amelia, Lizzie was decent, but the other She-Shepherds, she wasn't so sure she could deal with that.
"I came to visit mom and to my surprise both of your mini-me's were here," Kathleen crossed her arms, "Amy's been a bad influence and has made you disappear."
Another pair of footsteps came clicking into the hallway. Derek exhaled loudly as he rubbed his face. This was not the return he expected…or the one he wanted.
"Kathleen! You're not cornering them already are you?" Nancy asked, "Oh, looks like you are."
Her gaze shifted to the outsider who'd been standing like she was a target, "Meredith, how are you?"
Nancy had been…tolerable. She called. Messaged. Not as often, but she also put in an effort. She'd been- as how Amelia would put it- forgiving.
Nancy moved to embrace her awkwardly, "Oh hi."
Meredith pushed back and did her best to grin but she was sure that the only look on her face was one of pure fear and reluctance.
"Your children are gorgeous, and so well mannered," Nancy complimented before turning back to her brother, "Clearly they don't get that from you seeing as you're still standing there with your mouth wide open."
"When did you get here?" Derek asked with a stupefied look on his face, "Who told you we were here? What the hell are you-?"
"Hey, the kids are in the room," Lizzie nudged him, "We're just missing Amy and we'd be complete but we all know we run her off so, that's that."
"We don't run her off," Kathleen scoffed, "She's Houdini, we've gone over this. She's here one minute and gone the next."
"Well she wouldn't be if we weren't so dysfunctional," Nancy retorted. The sisters continued to quietly bicker. Something about running Amelia off and blaming her for all sorts of things. Something about insisting Derek forgive Addison and that's why he never came back. Something about how Lizzie thought she was high and mighty since she had been the one to save his hand.
"Oh my God," Derek rubbed his face with one hand as he stepped forward, "I need to get out of here."
"Oh stop being dramatic, you grew up with this," Nancy rolled her eyes, "Zola says you ate but I made pie, come to the table."
The trio continued to bicker as they made their way back to the dining room table leaving the married pair standing in the doorway.
Meredith turned to her husband, "You said you could push up the flight?"
"Why would you tell them we were here?"
"I didn't."
"Really?" Derek's eyes nearly burst out of their sockets, "Then why are they here? Why are they all here? How did the three of them-"
"You know, it's not often that I have most of my children on the same side of the country. The day will come when you understand what that feels like," Carolyn scolded as she set a dish on the counter top, "Besides you leave tomorrow, don't you? One night won't kill you."
"Except it will," Derek blinked, "I can physically feel my organs expire as I am standing here."
"Are you still whining?" Nancy pushed him as she stepped into the room, "Why don't you grab a dish and help with the dinner table, it's the least you can do, Ellis practically cooked half of these with mom and it smells delicious."
"You just decided to show up?," Derek frowned, "No warning, no heads up. You just showed up and bombarded my kids- who barely know you-"
"And whose fault is that?" Nancy raised a brow, "Besides, would you have stayed if we warned you we were coming?"
Derek straightened his posture as he let out a long breath. Being in this house, with his sisters made it seem like the walls were closing in on him. Like the air was pulling right out his lungs. The years he'd been away from the women of this house had been years in which he avoided many things. Nancy's reprimands. Kathleen's nagging. Lizzie's endless battles.
Small sibling things of their youth and the big things that have recently been playing in his head. Nancy's need to make everyone fine. Kathleen's criticism. Lizzie's competitiveness.
He loved his sisters, truly. But the constant reminders of his own failures were something he didn't need them to see.
They couldn't see failure. He wouldn't let them. He had one job and one job only. To protect his sisters.
"That's not your job, Derek!" Nancy yelled as she stepped into the house.
"Yes it is!" Derek yelled back as he walked into the house. She'd been crying over the moron that broke her heart for the millionth time and he'd gone with the intent to confront him. But Nancy had managed to stop him, "Dad said I had to-"
"Yeah? Dad said that? When? When did he say that?" Nancy gritted, "You're not dad! Leave me alone!"
"That's what I thought," Nancy nodded, "Look-"
"Nancy, if you say anything or make Meredith-" he quietly warned with a deep voice.
"Will you relax," she rolled her eyes, "We have all waved white flags years ago. We are all at peace, you are the one who needs to come to the table. Mom, where's the wine? I'm sure we're gonna need it."
Derek turned to Carolyn and shook his head before they both made their way into the dining room.
"Gifted?" Lizzie's voice pierced through the dining room, "Wow, Zo, are you sure you're your dad's daughter?"
Zola laughed, "It's a little..a lot. Mom and Dad have been trying to help me find a school that'll help."
Zola secretly hoped that her parents wouldn't bring up the panic attacks. The last thing she needed was her aunts to make a big deal out of it.
Meredith smiled as she reached to squeeze her daughter's hand, "We're looking at a few schools out here that may fit her needs, it's why we're here."
"There's one in Manhattan right?" Lizzie turned to Kathleen, "Yours went there?"
"Only Maddie," Kate shrugged, "The others didn't really qualify and we all know what happened when Lucas-"
"Stop bad-mouthing Lucas," Derek sat across from his wife and next to his son.
Meredith took notice at how his shoulders tensed the minute he sat at the table. She inhaled deeply and exhaled before making eye contact with her. He pressed his lips in a tight grin, an apology written in his eyes.
Meredith smiled back.
Lizzie's voice cut through once more, "What about you Bailey? Still playing soccer? Or have we switched sports yet?"
Out of the three sitting at the table, Lizzie had always been the most involved. She'd sent presents, texted to ask for pictures, called on birthdays and holidays, she put in the effort. She'd also been respectful enough to respect the distance her brother and his wife had placed despite nearly losing her brother. She simply respected them. And for that, they were grateful.
"I still play soccer and baseball," Bailey gently smiled as he reached for the glass of water.
"Baseball?" Kathleen turned to him, "Your dad used to play baseball. One time, our dad caught him hitting baseballs out in the yard. He hit it so hard he smashed the window of his car."
Derek looked up at his sister. How did she know this story?
Kathleen continued, "Dad was so mad I could hear him yelling all the way to my room."
Derek furrowed his brows, "Dad didn't yell."
He had just told Bailey the story not too long ago. He'd been so disappointed at how he had handled Bailey hitting another boy, he felt the need to remind himself that his father had been patient. He kept his temper in check. Unlike him.
"Mm," Nancy put down her glass and nodded, "He did, Derek. You stood there so upset until you ran in and locked yourself in your room. He felt so bad afterwards and Mom yelled at him. He took you out to a game the next day."
Meredith watched as Derek was lost in his memories. He stared blankly ahead for a moment before blinking and shaking his head. She could see him freeze internally. A memory he held so deeply had just shattered in front of him.
"What else have you been up to, Bailey," Lizzie continued questioning her nephew.
"I wanted to play hockey this season but I missed tryouts," Bailey shrugged.
"Oh why's that?" Lizzie tilted her head, "Did your dad-"
"He had some health issues," Derek interrupted, "Don't start."
"What?" Lizzie smirked as her fork grabbed a piece of pie, "I was gonna ask if you inspired him, geez. You used to play hockey."
"Yeah, until the incident with Michael Boetcher," Kathleen snorted as she took a bite of her food.
"Kathleen!" Carolyn chided as she sat at the table.
Derek's jaw tightened at her comment before going back to his plate.
"Derek, it was not your fault," he could hear his mother's voice through the door.
"Yes it is mom! I'm the one who decked him! I'm the reason he can't move anymore! It's all my fault!" Derek tugged at his curls as he shrunk down the wall. He didn't mean to do it. They'd been running that play over and over and over again. Michael had gotten up and had continued with practice. He was fine. He even pushed Derek in the locker room and continued to rough house until he walked home. He was fine.
And then he was not.
Meredith sighed. The constant banter and giving each other crap was something she wasn't completely used to. Not with the other Shepherd Sisters. Amelia and Derek often did the same but the age gap between the pair often meant that they'd bicker, he'd overhover, and she'd annoy him. And sometimes, he'd been the father figure. Their sibling dynamic was different.
"How's uh, Amy? She doing okay?" Nancy asked with her eyes focused on the food in front of her, "I uh, read the article the three of you published, it was pretty impressive."
Carolyn looked up to watch as her son answered.
"She's fine," Derek deadpanned as he glared at Kathleen.
"She was cruel," Amelia sniffed. She'd even missed the cold Seattle weather while she was in New York, "They both were. They just aired out every little thing I did and they're never going to see past the fifteen year old who just-"
"Amy," Derek interrupted with a deep sigh, "They just don't see you as often-"
"Side with me, Derek!" she implored, "Just for once, can you try to understand what it's like to be the freaking black sheep of the family?"
Meredith's voice pulled him back again, "She's consulting on the trial every now and then and she has her own research going on."
"Oh that's good," Nancy raised both brows with a curt nod.
The utensils continued to clammer. Awkward tension was in the air.
"Derek was mentioning how Scout and Ellis are inseparable," Carolyn mentioned as she tried to cut through the awkwardness.
"Scout's a cutie," Lizzie smiled at the married pair, "That picture you sent with Ellis holding him? So adorable."
Ellis perked up at the sound of her name, "I'm his favorite. I like to help Auntie Amy take care of him."
Meredith laughed as she reached to caress her hair. The rest of the table laughed as well.
And for the rest of the hour, everything was fine.
"Want to hear about the time your dad almost cried over his best friend putting his favorite frog in the microwave?" Lizzie leaned in closer to the kids.
"Oh God," Derek slammed his head into both his hands as all three kids perked up.
"You know I didn't ever think of you guys moving over to New York," Lizzie's voice echoed in the room.
Meredith turned to her from where she stood- in front of the pictures she'd stared at countless of times.
Meredith sighed, "I didn't think so either."
Lizzie stepped in and sat on the couch, "Mom has dozens of albums. Dad was annoying about taking pictures for every little thing and when he passed mom became the same way."
Meredith laughed, "Your brother's the same way."
In the short days she'd been here, she'd discover that Derek was a lot like his father. Small little habits, interests, gestures, looks.
"He doesn't talk about him much," Meredith cautiously said, "He uh, very rarely brings him up. I didn't know how he passed until much later."
Lizzie nodded as she turned to a picture of the family- their family.
"He doesn't like to," Lizzie sighed, "it's a sore spot because he's the one who-"
"Found him," Meredith nodded, "Amy mentioned it."
Lizzie briefly smiled until it faded away, "Amy? She lets you call her Amy?"
Meredith blinked. Amy was technically reserved for Derek exclusively. No one had a right to it except her big brother. But it'd slip so often that she grew tired of correcting her.
"It slips," Meredith explained.
"I uh, I'm sorry we're all here by the way," Lizzie sighed as she stepped back, "I forget that it's not-"
"He's your brother. He's family and so are the kids, I get it," Meredith nodded as she sat across from her. She crossed her arms defensively and instinctually. Lizzie was the warmest of the three- aside from Amelia.
"You're family too, remember," Lizzie whispered, "And I mean it, your kids are freaking' adorable. You officially outdid us all and they've won the golden grandchildren award- my mom's reading to Ellis upstairs now."
Meredith laughed, "Thank you."
This had been what Derek had once wanted. To be home- his childhood home. To be surrounded by millions of Shepherds and to give their kids a chance to have that big giant family. But something had clicked. He'd been happy to be in Seattle with one sister and the many friends they'd deemed family. He'd been satisfied with sporadic calls and occasional visits.
A beat of pure silence passed between the pair before Meredith spoke up, "What happened to Derek after your dad died?"
Lizzie blinked, "What?"
"What happened?" Meredith repeated, "He mentioned panic attacks and he's been…off. I don't know how to help him. And I want to- I just- Zo's been having panic attacks and I think it's sort of set off things for him just as much as me."
"I don't know. It's a mix of things, Mer," Lizzie shifted, "You have his star nephew out there, his sister that saw everything the day our dad died, his best friend died out there, you almost died, and he almost died, and clearly something's going on with the kids."
Lizzie wasn't one to mince her words. She wasn't one to pretend things were happy and healthy. She reminded her a bit of Amelia really, and she also had a mean streak like the other two.
"I mean don't get me wrong, he can be an ass just for the sake of being an ass but Derek has been off for years," Lizzie shrugged before continuing, "He's just really good at hiding it."
"He hides behind the job," Meredith stated. Flatly. Knowingly when in reality, a lightbulb had just gone off.
He'd become a neurosurgeon after their dad had been shot in the head and after a fatal blow had paralyzed a friend completely.
Derek Shepherd had been a man who hid behind the job at every point of fear.
"I guess," Lizzie sighed, "I like to say he hides behind being 'the golden child' but that's because I'm his sister. I knew him well then. You know him well now. You're his wife."
And yet, why did it feel like she knew nothing? Perhaps she hadn't given him the proper chance. Perhaps life had just dealt them too many crappy cards to see it well. Maybe he had been just too good at hiding.
"How's Lucas?"
"He's really good," Meredith smiled, "Bailey really looks up to him and he's always chasing after him. It's cute."
Lizzie laughed, "Sounds about right. He was always Derek's favorite so he'd take him out to games and go to his practices. He was heartbroken when Derek left."
"Sorry I kept him there," Meredith raised a brow teasingly.
Lizzie shrugged, "He made a choice. And honestly, leaving New York has always been the best choice he'd made."
Meredith smiled softly before Lizzie asked another question.
"Are you okay?"
Meredith blinked at the unexpected question, "What do you mean? Because you and your sisters are here? I'm fine."
"Hey," Lizzie sat up straight, "I'm just asking. Derek had mentioned you were chief of the surgery now and I know very well how being a mom to three kids can be. How are you holding up?"
Meredith straightened for a moment. Internally she was ready to explode. Ready to jump right out of her skin and run as fast as she could from all her jobs and just…breathe.
"I'm fine," she pressed her lips together.
"Bailey takes after you," Nancy declared in passing as she entered the kitchen with dirty dishes in hand, "Ellis is pure Meredith and Zo is a healthy mix of you two. They are cute."
"Mm," Derek hummed as he cleared the plate of food remnants in his hand, "Thanks."
"Guess I was wrong all those years ago about -"
"If you call her what I think you're about to call her-" Derek turned to face her angrily.
"Oh c'mon, give me more credit!" Nancy exclaimed as Kathleen giggled, "She's good for you Derek we all saw it when we were in Seattle. Right Kathleen?"
Kathleen shrugged, "He's always had a thing about strong women, and she certainly-"
"Can you please stop talking about my wife? Especially if you're gonna start criticizing and finding something to diagnose," Derek muttered angrily.
Nancy rolled her eyes at Kathleen as if they were quietly having a conversation behind his back.
Kathleen set the empty bottle of wine near the trash bin and cleared her throat, "So, how are things with Amelia? She hasn't-"
"I told you she's fine," Derek turned to her and shook his head, "She's fine even if you practically called her a drunk and ran her-"
"Is that what she's telling you?" Kathleen scoffed, "I did not-"
Nancy shook her head, "It's not our fault she pretended that good looking guy was Owen. That was all her idea!"
"She was desperate to prove to you that she was fine after you all ditched her at her wedding!" Derek shook his head as he took another dish, "Talk about something else, I'm not talking about Amy with you."
"Told you he'd still baby her," Kathleen muttered to Nancy before turning back to him, "Why do you still defend her? You never heard-"
"Drop it," Derek looked up to her, "Amelia is fine. She's been sober for years. Her son is thriving, she's thriving. She is fine."
Nancy stepped back and sighed, "Fine, how's Lucas? Surely you want to talk about that. You must be happy he's out there following in his hero's footsteps."
Derek furrowed his brows as he turned to her, "What's that supposed to mean?"
Nancy sat on a chair comfortably and looked at him, "Oh you know, he was always chasing after you like a little puppy. And when you left New York, he was devastated-"
"Nancy-" Derek sighed. He and Lucas had made peace. He didn't need the constant reminder of his failures with his nephew.
"I mean things were a little iffy for a bit," Nancy slightly giggled as she turned to her sister, "I mean all of us had to basically vouch for him in med school. How many times did you call Columbia? I mean that's how he got in, right?"
Derek swallowed, "I didn't. He didn't ask me to. He got in on his own."
"Oh please,"Kathleen rolled her eyes, "We all know his limitations, he barely cruised by-"
Kathleen always had something to say about everyone. She was unforgiving. The psych in her made her less and less empathetic.
"Stop it," Derek placed the dishes in the washer, "He's fine."
"I'm gonna need more than that Derek," Kathleen rolled her eyes.
She studied his face as he closed the dishwasher. He looked away from her and made his way to the counter where another bottle of wine was at.
"Derek? What the hell are you hiding?" Kathleen moved closer to him.
As if they'd been summoned, Meredith and Lizzie entered the kitchen.
"Oh, good you're telling her now," Lizzie blurted as she reached for a wine glass and another bottle, "Better now than when she finds out. Mer just told me. You must've been scared for Bailey."
Derek's head snapped up and glared at Lizzie and Meredith. He wasn't planning on telling. He couldn't. Not when Lucas had made it clear that he didn't want his mother to know the truth about Seattle. To know that there was so much happening and little she could do.
"What are you talking about?" Nancy asked as she reached for her own glass and took the bottle from Derek's hand. She served a glass to everyone, "What happened to Bailey?
Their eyes met once again. A silent conversation between the pair of panic and being unaware of what was shared between the siblings. Meredith blinked as she opened her mouth to speak, "He-"
"The accident," Lizzie glanced between Kathleen and Derek, "You're talking about the accident right?"
A pin could be heard. A knife could be cut through the tension. And just like a rubber band, it snapped.
"Derek," Kathleen stepped to him, "What the hell happened? What accident is Lizzie talking about?"
He froze. Instantly. How was he going to tell his sister that her son had been in an accident. That he remained unscathed physically but the mental and emotional scars were there. And he bore responsibility.
"He was in a car crash," he swallowed, "He's fine, he didn't-"
"And you didn't give me the courtesy to tell me my son was in-?" Kathleen stepped closer to him as she stared into his eyes. Daring him to justify his reasoning behind hiding a crucial point about her own son. The same look Meredith had when she had found out about Bailey.
A mother's pain.
Derek swallowed,"He asked me not to-"
"Bullshit-"
"Kate," Lizzie leaned over to try to calm her down.
Kathleen pulled her arm away and pointed at her angrily, "No, if this was your son, if this was Michael, you'd be yelling at him too!"
"Lucas is fine," Meredith stepped forward, "He's fine. He was not hurt. Bailey was the one who was hurt and he was the one who helped-"
"Oh so now we're blaming Lucas?" Kathleen turned to Meredith with an infuriating look she'd seen on the faces of Amelia and Derek and lately, Bailey.
"That's not what I'm saying!" Meredith insisted.
"Oh you are just defending-" Kathleen gritted.
"Kate!" Derek yelled at her, "This is not Meredith's fault! This is on me, leave her out of this!"
Carolyn stepped into the kitchen and stared at the five adults in the room. Her son was furious, pointing at Kathleen who yelled over him. Nancy tried to get an explanation from Meredith and Lizzie was playing peacekeeper.
This is why they never had any more reunions. Too many strong personalities. Too much pain between adults who never fully healed as children. Too much resentment. It was all too much.
Carolyn made eye contact with Meredith and sighed defeatedly.
Nancy turned to her brother, "Why wouldn't you say anything? How the hell did you stay quiet about this?"
"This is just like Amelia all over again," Kathleen scoffed as she threw the napkin on the table, "Typical Derek, you never change!"
"Kathleen! Derek followed her out to the hallway and out the door, "What the hell's that supposed to mean?"
Lizzie, Nancy, and Meredith stayed behind and stared at each other.
"What happened?" Carolyn asked, "What the hell happened? I was upstairs with the kids-"
Nancy sighed, "Lizzie came in here talking about an accident with Lucas"
"Oh great, so now we're gonna blame me?" Lizzie shook her head as she turned to Meredith who had been rubbing her temple, "I'm so sorry I didn't mean-"
"It's her son," Nancy shook her head, "Try to understand-"
"She's overreacting! This was no one's fault!" Lizzie deadpanned.
The sisters continued to bicker and ever so often Carolyn tried to get a word in to no avail.
"Okay, all of you, shut up!" Meredith's head snapped up, "He didn't even want to come here. He didn't want to come and visit any of you because he knew this would happen! He has been avoiding the three of you and for the life of me, I could not understand why!"
"And according to you, why would he be avoiding us?" Nancy asked as she proudly crossed her arms.
Meredith stood dumbfounded. Did they really not see it?
The shouting and yelling coming from the front of the house grew louder and the four women inside ran out to find the siblings in a shouting match.
"What did you think that I wouldn't find out?" Kathleen yelled.
"I told him to call you-"
"Oh please, like you couldn't call!"
"My own kid was in surgery Kathleen!"
Two siblings who once fought over toys were now fighting over their children and their once compromised lives.
"And you were off playing the savior card all over again!"
"Savior card? Kathleen, it was an accident!"
Throwing knives and wounding so deeply that scars would remain for a long time.
"Him applying to Grey Sloan was because he was following you! And your wife played along!" Kathleen yelled, "Don't pretend you don't get a kick out-"
"I did nothing wrong! And neither did Meredith! She gave him a chance and she's been rooting for him so you dare blame her!" Derek shouted, "He applied to a surgical program because he hadn't matched anywhere. He applied like any-"
"And your savior complex kicked in right? It's why he's there, isn't it?" Kathleen darkly chuckled, "You constantly need to fix everybody and put them in little boxes so they don't get hurt?"
And no one could get in between. Because the words that would be exchanged between the pair, would be words they could never take back. They'd be filled with feelings of resentment, feelings of those only adults who had their inner child beaten down at one point. Parents who were terrified and frightened at how cruel the universe could be and how it could easily take away their most precious treasure.
"Kathleen-" Carolyn warned.
"You've done it since Dad died!" she spitted out.
And there it was. The torturous words that stabbed through him like a knife on an open wound. A wound he hid from everything and everyone. And now, it was gushing out.
"She's not wrong-" Nancy muttered under her breath as she added salt to the wound.
"Nancy shut up," Lizzie nudged her before turning to her other sister, "Kathleen that was cruel and you know it!"
"Why? You all know I'm right!" Kathleen scoffed, "Let's stop pretending that Derek Christopher Shepherd made it out of here unscathed and unbruised!"
"Kate-" Carolyn warned.
Kathleen shook her head, ignoring all warnings before continuing, "Derek has always felt the need to protect and be everybody's savior because he failed to do the one thing he promised mom he'd do!"
"Kathleen!" Carolyn yelled again.
"He said he'd take care of Amelia," she continued bitterly, "And look how that turned out!"
"Amelia is doing fine!" he yelled back, finally mustering some courage, "What part of that do you not understand, dammit?!"
Kathleen stepped back, a smug look on her face. A face filled with rage and resentment
"Because you had to play daddy to her when she ran to you again? Admit it Derek, you get a kick out of it-"
"A kick out of what?"
"And wait, why stop there?" Kathleen continued, "Your savior complex kicks in because you couldn't be one the day Dad died!"
A fatal blow. She'd twisted the knife hard enough and lit it all with flames.
It all came burning down.
Every feeling. Every cruel feeling he'd once tried to drown down with professional success came floating to the surface. But this time, there was no saving it.
He'd left the scene seconds after. Gave one glance to his wife and made his way inside. Carolyn followed, calling out his name, and in seconds they'd both disappeared inside the house.
"You had to say that?" Lizzie gritted, "You had to-"
"Lucas is my son," Kathleen yelled as she turned to Meredith, "The least you could have done was tell me and not hide the way you almost did with my-"
"No, No! It's not the same," Meredith yelled back, "I get you're his mother, I do! And I sympathize but Lucas is an adult who made a decision for himself."
Her focus was on one thing and one thing only. Derek. Get to Derek before the darkness enveloped him once more. She ran into the house and made her way to the kitchen. Carolyn stood by the sink and stared out the window.
"Is he out there?"
"He is," Carolyn swallowed as she stared out the kitchen window, "He's hitting some cans he found."
"Crap," Meredith muttered as she walked towards the door.
"Meredith," Carolyn called out, "You shouldn't-"
"You know what Carolyn," Meredith turned to look at her with a frustrated and exhausted look, "I know your son quite well now. Better than you. And Derek can't be left alone and you can't push him too far either. I learned that when he hit my engagement ring with a baseball bat all those years ago."
Carolyn watched as the outspoken woman closed the door behind her, "He did what?!"
Meredith closed the door behind her and stared at him for a second. His jaw was locked. His hands tightly gripping the baseball bat in his hand. Each hit was harder and harder breath uneven as he hit each can with gusto, "What are you doing?"
"What does it look like I'm doing," he scoffed angrily. He set a can and wham! The can hit the fence and bounced to the floor.
"Derek," Meredith sighed.
He turned to her as he swung the bat and reached for the cans to hit them again, "Meredith, go inside, I just-"
"No."
"Meredith-"
"I said no," Meredith clenched her teeth, "Now you can keep hitting those cans as long as you want and you can be pissed off but I'm not leaving you out here alone!"
He turned and harshly hit the can harder.
"I'm not gonna say anything," she continued, "I'm just gonna stand here because you're not alone, and you don't need to be."
Another clang.
"Your sisters were cruel. They said things. They hurt you and you're angry and I get it because I know you. I know you think it's your fault. Your dad's death. Amelia's addictions. Your friend from high school. The kids? You think you're not enough and dammit Derek you cannot believe all of that!"
He hit another can angrily as his breath quickened.
"I'm not leaving you out in the dark anymore!" she shouted, "And I'm not gonna let you blame yourself when you damn well know that what your sisters said is not true!"
He hit another can.
"Your dad's death? Michael Boetcher? Amelia? None of it is your fault Derek!"
Another and another and another. Until there was nothing left to hit.
Meredith could see him breathing heavily. His back rose up and down and the bat was loosely held in his right hand. He dropped it with a clang on the floor and turned around. Blue eyes glistened with tears as he gasped for air.
Derek needed her. Her husband had been torn apart and destroyed with words in the front yard of his childhood home. The childhood home he'd have so many fond memories of. Where his sister tore him into pieces in a way she could never imagine. Not after hearing about them over and over again from Derek. He loved his sisters. He adored them. He found them annoying but he blamed it on the fact that it was because he was the only boy.
And yet here he was, broken, angry, and frustrated because to his sister, everything was his fault.
And that was a feeling he always carried. A feeling he carried and hid well behind the success and accolades his career brought.
"It's not your fault," she whispered as she stepped forward. She placed both hands on each of his arms gently until he flopped into her arms, finding what he so desperately needed.
Solace.
"It's not your fault," she whispered again and again.
And even then, she knew he didn't believe it.
A/N: Well...I don't know what to tell you. Mer is finally coming to terms as to why Derek is who he is. She's on her own journey of balancing, but how far can she keep going? The sisters are cruel and they say things without thinking. The kids are kids and just trying to get by. And Carolyn is watching a bomb go off. A bomb that's been ticking for years.
I was hoping to know who was Lucas' mother by now, but the show runner said we wouldn't find out till next season so I just took a shot in the dark. The sibling fight was something I wanted to write since I started this fic and I always had this in mind. I just kept the names blank for the sake of keeping things canon. But for the sake of ~drama~ Kathleen has been anointed Lucas' mother. (Idk maybe I'll retcon in the future when we officially find out for now bare with the detour of canon!)
There's a lot to unpack. A lot to say. A lot. Just a lot. And everything with Derek, has been leading up to this chapter.
I gotta admit. I'm a little proud of it.
Which begs the question...
Where do we go from here?