A/N: Heads up! Trigger warning for the following topics: suicide, alcoholism, death. It's something often discussed in these fics but this chapter is a little darker. Proceed with caution.

"It's not your fault," her distant voice echoed over and over. And usually, that sweet voice was all he needed to be pulled right back but all the air had been sucked right out of him. There was nowhere to turn, nowhere to run to because her arms were around him. And this, this pain, this feeling of helplessness was one he hadn't felt in a long time.

He tried pushing back. Pulling away because his kids were upstairs in the bedrooms that once belonged to him and his sisters. And he had to push through. He had to push through just like he had all those years ago.

And his patients. He had patients, and he'd promised Grace he'd help her husband. He needed to get back to Seattle and see those scans and at least attempt to remove that tumor.

He had to push through. He had to push through just like he had all those years ago.

But he couldn't. He was far too deep in the depths of water.

He was drowning.

She had no idea where she was going. No idea where the dark roads led her. All she knew was that she needed to leave that damn house. To take Derek and drive as far as she could in Carolyn's old car. So she ran in, grabbed the keys, and drove.

The roads had been empty. By now children were asleep, people were in bed shielded away from the day's events or the events daily life brought on.

Not for Meredith. Not for Derek.

"You should pull over here," he whispered as his gaze remained on the window. The lights of the small town glimmered against the pitch darkness.

Meredith glanced at him as she pulled over to an empty parking space, "Derek?"

"Coming back here was a mistake," he muttered, "We should've left for Boston with the kids and gone back home."

She watched as his eyes continued straight on with that glassy stare that scared her. She sighed, "What Kathleen said-"

He sniffed, "She was angry. She was pissed and she's right I should've told her, he's her son and if the roles were reversed-"

"Lucas is an adult trying to find his way and he asked you to let him. You did the right thing, he made a choice it's not on you," she whispered quietly, "And what she said about your dad-"

Meredith wasn't going to let him justify Kathleen's reasoning behind her outbursts. She blatantly blamed Derek for an offense he had no control over. He had no control over her son's decisions. No control over Amelia's choices. No control over two heartless people taking away their most treasured person in the world.

There was no control for him. And Meredith knew he resented that.

"She's always blamed me," he stared at the empty road ahead of them, "She, uh, always needed to find reasons for why people did things and why they were who they were. It's why she's a shrink.

"That doesn't make it okay to say everything she said. She had no right even if she was hurting. She crossed a line."

He raised his elbow and leaned against the window, rubbed his chin, lost in thought. Meredith stared at him for a moment, not knowing how to continue or where to take it from here.

She held everyone up, he once told her. She was the one who brought everyone back and made sure they moved forward. Because they could survive the darkness. She'd been in the deepest darkest hole and she'd been out over and over again. And she'd be damned if she let him stay there.

"Do you want to take a walk? The fresh air might do you good," she whispered, "We can walk for a bit or just sit here and-"

"I want a drink," he reached to open the car before quickly glancing at her, "There's a bar up the block."

"Derek-"

He shut the door behind him and stepped forward. Meredith watched as he continued his trek before stepping off and following him, "Derek!"

"What?" he turned angrily.

"You can't just go off and drink this-"

"I'm not drinking this away-"

"Yes, you are. You're drinking and you're running and you're hiding," she yelled, "I wrote the book on that remember?"

He stopped midway and turned, "I'm fine."

"You are not fine," she followed him down the block as he marched away, "Derek!"

"What?"

"I've been patient! I have given you space! I haven't pushed but right now you-" she wanted to keep yelling. She needed to yell and get it through his head that here she was standing in front of him. Not begging to be loved. Not begging to be chosen. But reminding him of vows scribbled on a blue post-it.

This is when she pushed, "Your sisters blamed you for things that happened years ago-"

"I can't talk to you about this!"

She stomped her way to him, "Why? Why can't you talk to me about it? Because you're scared I can't handle it? Is that it?"

"Meredith-!"

"I drowned!" she stopped and stood her ground as she watched him stop. She couldn't see his face but she could see him thinking. His back heaved as he breathed heavily.

"I drowned because what my mother said to me was enough to make me quit and I did," she continued, "And you pulled me out! You pulled me out! You knew something was wrong, you kept hovering and you went out to look for me!"

He turned to look at her, "It's not-"

"Yes it is!" She yelled back, "You are drowning! In your pain. In your anger. And you stopped swimming! You're giving up! And you don't get to give up, remember! I'm no quitter and I'm not quitting on you!"

Giving up was easy. Hiding the pain away was easier. And there were many ways to hide it. To mask it and pretend it was nonexistent to the world. Alcohol would numb it. Drugs would take it away, Amy once explained. Meredith had given out and pulled away. She stopped swimming.

But Derek? Derek lashed out to the world. He was a heavy cloud of darkness and anger. A man addicted to his own success and ambition because it was the one thing that proved he was good enough. Good enough to help and do things right. His identity had revolved around it. He needed it to prove he wasn't some sort of failure. But when things took a turn for the worst, he took it all out on the ones he cared for the most.

I'm not anybody I ever thought I'd…I'd be….I try to make the right choices for Meredith. The kids. You. And I'm angry all the time. I'm miserable and I don't know what to do with it. All I do is hurt people. The last people I want to hurt and I just…I just can't get control of it. I don't know what to do anymore.

What was the point in trying to help if you were just…a failure?

I'm never good enough.

"This is me pulling you out," Meredith lowered her voice and watched him slowly break. She inhaled deeply, testing the waters. She stepped closer and whispered, "Let yourself be pulled out, Derek."

For a moment they stood in silence. She watched as he mentally decided whether or not he'd take her hand, and let himself be pulled out before he drowned any further.

"Did you know they did the same thing to Amy?" he finally asked, "When she came up here for a case a few years back? With Link? Nancy and Kathleen? They brought out all her dirty laundry and aired it for an entire night and I just-"

"You were supposed to be the one on that case," Meredith whispered knowingly, relief washing over her. It was a step, "She wanted space from him and asked you to do it instead but you said you couldn't because Zo had something going on at school that week, I remember."

"I don't know how she made it out," He swallowed a lump, "Everytime I think I'm fine, something- someone- reminds me I was the one in that store and I did nothing. And everytime I just want to... I hid. I hid Meredith!"

"You protected your sister. You didn't just do nothing!" Her hands cupped both of his cheeks as he forced his eyes on hers, "You were a kid! You didn't know they were in there to-to-"

"To kill my dad," he finished for her, "I didn't. But I- Everything I care about, everything I love- I ruin it. "

She stared at him and released him. She thought about what he would do when she'd spiral about her own trauma. This was the part where he would shut up and tuck his hands in his pocket or lean against a wall. Where his eyes would do that thing and he just…listened.

This is when she listened.

"My dad got killed, I ruined Amy, burdened my mother, I neglected Addison, I hurt Lucas-"

"Derek-"

"And I hurt you," he turned to her with a glassy stare, "I hurt you over and over again and now I am hurting our kids. All because I am still that broken twelve year old who made a promise he couldn't keep. That's all they see. That's all I am."

He pushed himself away and walked to the path he started on.

"Derek Christopher Shepherd, where the hell are you going?" she asked as she stared at him, "You can't just say that and walk away!"

"I'm taking a walk, if I stay there I'm-" he turned with his hands stuffed in his pocket, "Aren't you coming?"

Meredith blinked, not expecting the invitation of sorts. He wanted her to walk with him. He was willing to…at least let her hover. Something he never did. He always pushed her away as far as he could and hid every painful thing of his past.

This time, he was letting himself be pulled out.

They'd kept to themselves for most of the walk. They walked down the block side by side, hands stuffed in their own pockets, with a small distance between the pair. A comfortable and necessary silence. Every now and then, she'd turn to look at him without a word. His sight dead set ahead of him, lost in some abyss she couldn't quite reach.

Meredith opened her mouth, but nothing came out. Consoling Derek Shepherd, being the shoulder for him to cry had never fully been her forte. She'd stand by him no matter what, she knew that- he knew that. But his life had always seemed so perfect that she never really needed to comfort the Derek she'd seen over the last few weeks. The only Derek she'd truly, fully comforted had been the one scared to death over loud sounds.

"Don't you have to be in the hospital today? I could've called a car-"

Meredith rolled her eyes as she turned on the engine, "Will you stop, I told you I asked for the day off."

"I'm fine, you know?" he whispered as he turned to watch her. She was focused on pulling out the car and the road ahead of her, "I can do things on my-"

"Derek, can you just let me take care of you?" she turned to him as they reached a red light. He was practically done with physical therapy. He'd almost attained full range of motion, but Callie had insisted on continuing. He was a walking miracle, and she and Owen would be damned if he wasn't back in the hospital doing his miracle cases again.

He smiled as he reached over to touch her abdomen, the proof of their 'more' hidden under her oversized shirt, "How's the baby? You didn't have any morning sickness today."

She smiled as she hit the gas once the light turned green, "I still can't believe I let you talk to me into-"

A loud honk broke their bubble of happiness. She hit the brakes as a green car sped in front of them. Whoever the moron driver was, had run a red light and nearly missed her. He must've tried to speed at a yellow light but never made it.

She gripped the steering wheel as her chest heaved up and down. Derek's hand firmly on her abdomen, protecting her and the child growing within her. Meredith turned to him, and instead of seeing his protective look, she saw a panicked Derek. Heavily breathing, pale face, staring blankly ahead.

"Derek?" She pulled over to the nearest spot and parked. She unbuckled her seatbelt and reached to cradle his face in both hands, "Derek? You're okay. We're okay. I promise you're okay. Look at me, we're fine!"

Meredith shook the flashback away. She remembered he had started therapy the very next day.

"How many times have you been back to Wyatt?"

The question took him by surprise, "For this? Once."

She searched his eyes but he was nowhere to be found, "It went okay?"

He could open up or he could shut the door. But something about being far from home- from Seattle- just made it different.

"I ran. It went bad," He grimaced, "She started with her brutally honest talk and it was just too much. It's different when it's you and me because we're both stubborn and we need that- she's good with the both of us- but it felt like it was-"

"Kathleen. Not as bad but still a gut punch. She was brutal and the thing with your dad is still delicate," Meredith nodded, "Wyatt does that. She says something and sometimes it forces you to think and sometimes it makes you run."

He pressed his lips together and nodded, simply acknowledging that he was listening.

She raised a brow and slightly smiled, "I quit on her the first time. Yelled at her to give me my chart back. I even chased her down to the bathroom."

Again another beat of silence.

"Were you thinking of going back?"

"I don't know," he quietly confessed, "I went to get perspective and I just couldn't get any."

"Perspective on what?"

"The kids," his answer was honest, "Lucas and Amy. Us."

"Why do you need perspective? What do you mean?" Meredith asked. She instantly regretted it, scared that he'd push back and decline to answer.

"It's different this time," he shook his head, "I used to just be angry at myself about Amy and how I failed her. I thought I'd mended things with her. I thought I was past it."

Their footsteps echoed in the dark as she continued to listen. She knew Amelia had been his Achilles heel for years. She was his weak spot. A constant reminder of their childhood and the pain it carried. But they'd also grown so incredibly close over the last few years.

"I thought you and I were fine- and we are, at least I think we are," he sighed, "But now it's the kids. Zola's anxiety, Bailey's temper and accident, and Ellis feeling neglected-"

"You're not the only parent."

His head turned to her, "Mer I'm not-"

"If we're gonna start blaming people, you are not the only parent," she reminded him like he had to her weeks ago.

He nodded, unconvinced at her words.

"I know that you trust her because we've known her for a while but," Meredith tried again, "Therapy is hard. It took someone like her to get me to open up but we're different and maybe Wyatt's just not the right fit for you. Don't give up on it just yet."

"Thanks," he grinned sincerely.

"Your welcome," Meredith sighed proudly. She offered her two cents and kept a healthy boundary. Progress. Shrinks would be proud.

"You changed the conversation," she watched him, "At the shop. As soon as he mentioned your dad, you ran"

Mr. Johnson, Derek thought. He thought back to the moment in the shop where he'd told him he looked just like his father. He meant well, but somehow it only felt like he had twisted the knife in the wound. His father wasn't like him. He was better. He was a far better man than he'd turned out to be, and he sure was a better father. At least that's what Derek had been feeling.

Derek turned to her, "You want me to talk? About my dad? You want me to talk about my dad?"

"It's not that I want to," Meredith replied, "You need to. You need to talk to someone. I'm right here. You can talk to me. I talk to you about my mother- drunk and sober-I can take it I-"

"If I'm gonna talk and tell you everything," he nodded, "I need that drink."

There was nothing quite simple about this bar. She could tell it had been a well established place. It was busy but he clearly knew his way around when he found an empty booth. They sat across from each other until someone came to offer drinks.

She'd settled with a white wine. Not tequila, not tonight. She wasn't trying to forget anything and not running from anyone.

He'd ordered his usual. A single malt scotch. Some things never changed.

"I promised my mom I would take care of them," he explained as he stared at the single malt scotch in his hand, "I took the job seriously. I got jobs when I was a kid- mowing lawns, shoveling snow, anything I could get until I could really get one at fifteen. I promised I would look out for Amy and we know how that turned out."

He shrugged.

"Why Amy?" Meredith asked knowing there was more to the story.

"Mom used to say she was the most like dad," Derek adjusted himself and leaned against the wall. His body facing the rest of the people, and yet retreating himself from the world, "And she couldn't always reign her in so, I promised."

Meredith sipped her wine as she thought back to the endless amount of bickering she'd witnessed. His overprotective self had very clearly made it known that he didn't approve of her sudden marriage to Owen. They'd fought days before only for them to reconcile in time for him to walk her down the aisle.

"So I promised I'd watch out for her. And then I left," he quietly added, "I went to school. Came back for med school."

"But you didn't move back in with your mom?"

"No," he shook his head, "Mark and I rented a shitty apartment. Hated living with him but it was close enough where I could come see them often and keep an eye out."

"You were taking care of everybody," she swallowed.

"I didn't, that's the problem," he continued, "Over and over again. Even if it wasn't what I wanted, I did the right thing."

He turned to the glass in his hand. He twirled the drink over and over until he downed the rest, hissing at the bitter taste.

"And then it just became too much. Too much failure. Too much pain. So I ran. I always run."

Meredith studied him. He couldn't make eye contact with her. She could tell he'd tried to, more than once, but he was still protecting himself. And he downed the rest of the scotch to muster some sort of courage to tell her how he saw himself. A failure.

Meredith pondered his words, "Cristina and I used to call you McDreamy all the time. You showed up, offered this once in a lifetime opportunity to a class of fresh, scalpel-hungry residents. You had this dark perfect hair, blue gorgeous eyes, a freakin' neurosurgeon who'd say all the right things, charming as hell, and y-you-"

She exhaled, "It's like I don't know you- and I've been married to you for-freaking-ever. I have this picture of you with this perfect life in my head and sometimes you just…it's just…Derek it's a lot."

Derek tilted his head a little, his eyes finally meeting hers, "Well, you were wrong. You can tell her that next time you call her."

"It's not-no- it's not a bad thing it's just-" she sighed, "You just held on to that feeling for decades. You didn't let anybody in."

"I couldn't," he scoffed, "I just…I didn't want anyone to feel the pain I felt. I couldn't let you feel it. I didn't want you to see it."

But she had. Meredith had seen it all.

"You drowned. Remember? And before that I ran from Addison," he straightened his posture and leaned closer, "I broke you. I broke your heart the instant she walked in through those hospital doors. And to top it all off, I chose her. I had no right to burden you!"

"Will you stop that? I don't need protection! I've seen enough with my own mother, remember?" she scoffed, "Besides, you said it yourself, you ran and it's why you've been hiding from Carolyn because it reminds you of the night you ran from all of it and landed in Seattle!"

Meredith Grey had finally cracked the code. She never truly understood what was the hesitation about Lucas. Sure she understood Amelia's hesitation, but Derek? She'd constantly ask herself why he had been so eager to reject his application.

He licked his lips, guilt written all over his face.

"But you can't run from it anymore," Meredith reached for his hand, "I'm right here."

Derek nodded as he looked down at their entwined hands. He sighed deeply, "I don't mean to. I don't want to keep you out like I do."

Meredith swallowed, "What happened that day?"

"That day, two guys came in. Took the money and demanded he give up the watch,"

"The one your mom gave him," Meredith whispered, "For their anniversary. You told me that."

"Mmhm," Derek hummed, "He uh, didn't give it up and they shot him point blank."

Her gripped tightened, as if she was afraid he'd let go and pull away from sharing more. From opening more.

"I held on to Amy as hard as I could because she was about to run towards him. I kept hearing my dad telling me to protect her. It was my job to protect her. He said that once when we were kids. Said it about all of my sisters."

He'd said to Bailey after he found out the real reason why Bailey had used his fists to protect his sister. Derek was clear, fists were not the answer, but protecting his sisters was something he needed to do.

"I held on tight to Amy because the gunshot scared me too," he whispered, "I couldn't let her go. I didn't want to. And then there was nothing but…silence. I didn't even hear the bell at the door when they left."

She watched him slowly break in front of her. His eyes darkened as he relived the memory.

"I got up off the ground and I told her to wait where she was. I didn't- I-"

"You went to see your dad and you didn't want her to see," Meredith whispered as she pictured the young boy in the photographs, "Y-you walked over to-to check if-"

"Yeah," he nodded, "I stood over him. A pile of blood was around his head."

Meredith closed her eyes. A vision of her own mother lying on the floor crossed through her mind.

"I reached down and put my fingers on his wrist. It was still warm. But there was no pulse."

I can feel a pulse in your wrist, you know what it means? It means your heart's still beating. And you can't be dead if your heart's still beating.

"His heart wasn't beating. He was dead," Derek pressed his lips into a thin line and nodded once. End of story.

He spoke again, "No kid should have to see their dead dad on the floor."

Meredith swallowed the lump that'd formed in her throat, "Who told your mom?"

"The police," he cleared his throat, "The owners of the shop next door heard the shot and uh saw them run off so they called and that was that."

"You waited, didn't you? You waited right there until the ambulance came."

"I did," he nodded, "And then I went to the hospital in a police car. Sat in the waiting room with a nice nurse."

You might've saved your mother's life

"Ma got there and uh, she kept a straight face," he quietly continued, "She didn't say anything at all. She didn't cry. She didn't speak. So I sat next to her and held onto her hand. She squeezed tightly when the doctor came to talk to us and…"

Meredith watched as he lost himself in his memories once more.

"That's the only time I'd watched my mother cry," he quietly added, "We never talked about it again. Not even at the funeral. Maybe she was in shock then but she kept it together for the five of us."

"And when everyone went home and we were the only ones in the funeral home," he could feel the lump in his chest as he was about to say it out loud, "I told her I would take care of them."

"You were Zola's age?," Meredith quietly whispered.

"Yeah. I was Zola's age," he nodded, "I- I heard my mom praying once- or uh, I thought she was. Now I know she was talking to my dad. She was telling him that she didn't know what to do and I promised her what I promised him."

A child making promises only grown ups could make. He'd been making them since he was the age of their son. So young. So young.

"Tell me a secret. Tell me something I don't know," he whispered as he laced his fingers with hers. They'd been hiding in the trailer for days. Days after she finally told him they could be extraordinary together. Days after the stupid corny house she'd made out of candles. A promise of a future together, because she was finally whole and healed.

She stared into his blue eyes and blinked. This was it. All or nothing. Sink or swim. Oh, that was a bad metaphor, she thought.

"I watched my mother bleed out after she sliced her wrists," she blurted.

His eyes widened. He expected something stupid or silly like she had once stolen something from the mall or whatever. But this was more than he expected. More than a baby step.

"I uh, I scared you with my dark and twisty didn't I?"

"That's not- Mer- I just," he stammered as he sat up, his eyes furrowing at the unexpected confession, "When?"

"I was five," she whispered as the sheets shuffled around her. She sat up and met his eyes, ready to tell him everything, "We had just gotten home after spending the day in the park. She was upset. She told me not to call anyone. Not to say anything. She told me not to be scared. Richard disappeared so…she was angry and tried to kill herself."

"You were five? You were just-"

"Yeah. She wanted him to know but he never did. So we left for Boston and never looked back," Meredith raised a brow, "I've never told anybody that. Just my shrink but only because I had a breakdown after we lost Greta."

"We don't get enough time with the person we love," Meredith whispered, "My mother lost the love of her life. Then she picked up our things, took us to Boston, and never looked back. She lost time with him and I was scared to have…I'm scared to want you as much as I do."

"You were just a child," he whispered as he reached to push her hair back, "You were just a child and what she did, it wasn't your fault. You're not gonna lose me. I'm not gonna let you."

Meredith tapped onto the glass. She could feel it bubbling, making its way to her mouth. A sly smile appeared until she just couldn't handle it any more.

She was laughing. Laughing. She covered her mouth as she tried to contain her laughter once she noticed the panic look in her distraught husband's face.

She's lost it, he thought, I broke her and she's lost it.

"I'm sorry," she tried to restrain her laughter until she laughed again, "I'm sorry it's not funny. It's not, it's really not. It's tragic. I'm sorry."

"What the hell's your problem?" he asked with bewildered eyes as he watched her laugh.

"It's just," she sighed as she licked her lips, the laughter finally ending, "You and I met at a bar. And you came up to me with a corny, cheesy pick up line about me loving you if I got to know you. And then you asked me for my story."

"What does that-"

"I said I had no story. I was just a girl in a bar. You were just a guy in a bar," she raised a brow, "And we have the most twisted stories anyone could imagine."

"So what's your story?"

She turned to him. If only she could tell him. Then again it'd all be a forgotten memory anyways.

"I don't have a story. I'm just a girl in a bar."

Derek raised his glass. Finally, air.

"I'm just a guy in a bar."

A clean slate. Fresh air. That's what they were in that bar. Two strangers determined to be nobodies for a night. Just a night

He burst out laughing.

Another scotch later and they were out the door. A weight lifted off one shoulder and another weight still on the other.

She'd wrapped her arm around his waist, reminding him that there was no way in hell she'd let him run. Especially after opening up, even if it was just a small window.

In the last two hours, she'd learned more about the man she called the love of her life. Ironic. All their relationship, they'd say they knew each other well. They'd seen each other in the happiest of times and in the darkest of times. And she was still learning more. Something told her that this had been the best version of him she'd seen. An open, vulnerable, man who was determined to do the impossible.

Once they reached the car, he opened the driver's door. She stepped forward until she turned around.

"Mer?" he asked as he waited to close the door.

"What?" she turned to him, "What's wrong?"

"I can't go back to my mother's house," he whispered, "Not yet. Can we just… I don't know, I just can't go back there."

She looked down at his lips. Then at his eyes again. Her breath quickened, and all her inhibitions had fallen. She leaned towards him and kissed him. Gently. Deeply. His soft lips kissed her back and his hand reached to cup her cheek. They separated long enough to catch a breath and kiss again until he pressed her up against the car. Her hands wrapped around his waist as her tongue asked for permission to explore. They were lost. So lost in each other. Like two strangers who had just met and were testing the waters.

Derek pushed her against the car as he leaned in to kiss her. She was inviting and so, so tempting. She'd let him bare his soul open like he hadn't ever before. She listened, patiently and quietly. Made no assumptions. And didn't run.

Her hands pulled him closer to her until there was nothing between them. Her fingertips teased the skin under his shirt as his hands tangled in her hair. He'd opened a chest full of treasure. Of secrets no one else knew. A door to the freakin' promised land that held all the secrets to Derek Shepherd. He trusted her.

With all his secrets. His past. The baggage. The failures.

All of it.

Meredith pulled back and stared into his eyes, "I don't want to go back to your mother's house either."

He nodded, "Okay."

The receptionist of the little hotel he directed her to couldn't care less and took her time to check them in. A part of her wanted to climb over the desk and snatch the damn key card out of her hands. The sensible side told her that good things come to those who wait.

But she was never one for waiting. Always one for hurrying.

He slid the key card and pushed her in as he ravished her lips. She shoved her coat off and lost it somewhere on the ground as she watched him put the Do Not Disturb sign outside the door and lock it. He enveloped his arms around her waist as she pulled his lips down onto hers. The way to the bed was messy, bumpy, a road of unbuttoning shirts and shoving off sweaters.

She giggled. He laughed.

She bit his lip. He kissed her neck.

He lifted her off the ground. She wrapped her legs around his waist until he found the bed.

She ran her hands down his chest. Found the faint scar down his chest, another by his abdomen. And when her fingers tangled in his hair, she felt a slight bump- another scar.

They were both covered in the history of their pain. Of their losses.

But none of it mattered because he kissed the fear away when he roamed down her chest. Kissed her torso.

They gasped at the touch. It wasn't lust. It wasn't a one night stand. Or a need to scratch the itch.

It was two people, madly in love. Reconnecting. Finding each other again. Falling in love all over again.

But not like the guy and the girl in the bar. Those two had grown up. And the two people in this room were broken people who'd finally learned to let each other in. Who were learning to walk together in their pain and not run from it. That there was beauty in it all.

Intimacy at its purest form.

Sex was communication for the both. It was their way of saying everything that needed to be said without any words.

I love you. I need you. I want you. I'm sorry. I forgive you. I'm scared. You're safe. You're alive. I'm here. We're still here.

All things they needed to hear over and over again with the cards they had been dealt.

She stayed wrapped around him as he sat on the edge of the bed, lost in the scent of the lavender conditioner she'd used that morning. That intoxicating smell that took him back to the day he stood at her doorstep, telling her every detail of their last shared kiss before chaos reigned.

They kissed until she pulled away, her fingers tangled in his salt in peppered tresses. Her eyes searched his until she found him, somewhere lost in the cloud of want they'd formed.

I've got you. I always will.

She didn't see a response. Just silent eyes taking in her silent words before he leaned in and kissed her. He flipped her onto the bed and pulled back. Still no words, until she saw a small response, one he'd verbally told her over and over again.

And I've got you.

She moaned as he moved and his hand held hers above her head. She couldn't help but sigh at the feeling of his lips against her neck, his mouth slightly ajar as they settled into a slow, sensual rhythm.

It's all the communication they would need. For now.

Post-coital Derek is usually snarky. Quick witted and ready for more. Even after the times of angry, make-up sex, he's always ready with some quick retort. Sometimes, he's quiet. But only when she needs to silence because she's hiding away from something she fears outside the comfort of their bubble. So he wraps his arms around her and they drift in silence.

But this time, she's not the one hiding from the outside world. This time, she's shielding him. There's no witty banter, no innuendos, and no suggestions to go again.

Meredith watched him through hooded eyes, his thumb gently scratched his forehead, a habit he'd do whenever he was lost in thought.

"On a scale of one to ten," she whispered, "How bad is it?"

"Eight," he turned to her with soft eyes, "It's an eight."

"Derek?," she rested her weight on her elbow as she maneuvered to her side, her hand resting firmly on her head ready to listen.

"I-I," he exhaled, "This is the first time I feel trapped."

She reached for his chest, invading his space as he opened the chest of treasure once more.

"I've never felt- not like this, I've never felt trapped like this," he admitted, "Everytime I came back home, I was certain I'd come just to check on things. I never had this feeling that-"

He turned to her and swallowed, "I ran from failure only to return with failure."

Meredith wrapped her hand across his cheek. In his eyes, she could see the shattered pieces of a twelve-year-old boy. A boy who had lost his hero, his best friend, the person he looked up to the most. That boy had grown up into a man who hid behind the facade of a heroic surgeon. But that surgeon was nowhere to be found.

"You aren't a failure," she whispered as her thumb ran across his cheek, "You've made mistakes. You've gone through hell. You've hurt people but you come back. You find your way back. Because you're a good man."

You're a good man, Derek Shepherd.

"Doesn't feel that way," he quietly confessed.

"I know," she whispered, "You have this big ego, this arrogance about you when it comes to your career. You made your career out of it. And I thought it was just because it was your way of charming people and I'll be honest, I kinda liked it when we started out-"

She managed to get him to curve his lips upward just a bit. A bit.

She exhaled, "But you hide behind that ego when you're scared. You hide behind it because it's the one thing you can control."

Derek turned to look up at the ceiling, slowly processing her words.

You're not God, Derek

His career was important. He took pride in what he could do with his hands. In the gift he was given and the fact that his name was synonymous with excellent. He'd focused on perfecting it because he could perfect it. It was in his hands to control the trajectory of his career.

"You couldn't control what happened with your dad or how your mom reacted or Amy's actions. Liz, Kathleen, Nancy. You wanted to make it better but you couldn't so you ran and you hid," she continued, "But you can't control the pain. You can't control the bad."

I just can't get control of it.

"And what's happening with our kids? We can't always control the cards life gives us, because we're human," she sighed, "Trust me, if I could take away their pain in the blink of an eye, I would've already."

"It feels like I'm not doing enough," he confessed, "You just have a grip on it all. Zo and Bailey and Ellis, you just…I see you and I see the kids and I just feel like I'm doing it all wrong. Like I'm not enough for them. And I just…I don't know what to do."

"I don't either," she exhaled, "Honestly, I just try to make sure they know I love them more than anything and I would do anything for them."

"They know you do-"

"And they know you do," she insisted, "I know you do."

"I'm scared," he confessed, "I'm terrified that my mistakes, my temper, my arrogance will ruin them."

"Well that makes two of us," She smiled before leaning in closer, her nose nearly touching his, "You would do anything for our kids. I know that. They know that. Zola wants to be a neurosurgeon because of you. And even if she doesn't, she adores you. And Bailey sees you as a superhero. He'd tell all his friends you had superpowers that could heal people, remember?

She chuckled, "And Ellis is practically attached to you. She's a daddy's girl through and through."

"We're both a little lost," she whispered, "But we'll find our way. We'll get there."

He nodded as his hand reached to graze her chin. His eyes quickly glanced to her lips and back up to her eyes. He was still terrified, but the confidence in her eyes gave him hope.

This is the happy ever after part. And in the happy ever after part, the guy is there, all the time, saying things.

"You don't always have to be the strong one," she whispered again, "I can be your knight in shining whatever."

He'd kissed her again. And again. And again. Until they'd made love once more.

Her hands hid under her pillow as he laid on his side, softly caressing her bare back. Tracing hidden patterns and every now and then pressing a gentle kiss on her pouty lips.

She was sure they'd been here for hours on end. Just laying side by side, breathing each other in, and basking in the silence.

He wasn't whole. He wasn't healed. And honestly, neither was she. But tonight, they'd stitched up wounds they didn't know were still open.

Meredith shifted slightly, "What are you thinking?"

He smiled. What he'd been thinking was something he'd only ever told her twice before. Something he meant at the beginning of their mess. Something he meant when he almost lost it all. And something he means now when he's reopened all of his wounds and exposed himself to the one person he tried to shield himself from.

The person he's tried to protect most and who didn't need any of his protection.

"You're like coming up for fresh air. It's like I'm drowning. And each time you…you still save me."

The sunlight pierced through the small opening of the curtains. Derek rubbed his face and inhaled deeply.

The last thing he remembered was Meredith's body wrapping around him and falling asleep. It'd been the first time he'd slept so soundly. No nightmares. No tossing and no turning.

But now the bed was empty and he was all alone. He reached for the watch on the nightstand. 8:45. Crap. They should've been back at his mother's house hours ago. The kids would be up by now and have an endless amount of questions. Ellis would feel…he didn't want to think about it.

Where the hell could she have gone?

A door clicked open and closed gently, the smell of coffee enveloped the room.

"Hey, you're up," she whispered as she stepped into the room, "Brought you coffee."

"When did you get up?" he sat up and reached for the coffee quietly thanking her as she sat next to him with her own cup.

"About an hour ago," she sighed as she sat down on the bed, "I was gonna wake you but you practically spilled all your dirty secrets and that is exhausting so I gave you a pass and went across the street for coffee."

"That sounds like something you'd say to Bailey," he snickered.

"He's my son, he's got dirty laundry but no dirty secrets from me. Not yet, at least," she chuckled, "How are you feeling? How bad is it?"

He set the coffee on the nightstand and smiled, "Five. Maybe six."

"Mm," She hummed, "You know you're not done, right? And I'm right here, I'll always be here."

"I know," he leaned in to kiss her softly, "Thank you."

She pulled away and cradled his face in her hands. Something was different. Something had changed. But one thing just grew deeper.

"I love you," she whispered, "You know that I love you right?"

Derek smiled gently before nodding, "I love you."

Her heart fluttered as he kissed her again. And again. Thanking her for being the solace he so desperately needed. A solace he didn't know he needed.

Meredith pulled back and shook herself out of the small bubble they were in, "You need to get up. We have to do the walk of shame to your mother's house where our kids spent the night and we have to catch a flight."

Derek smiled before taking her hand and pulled her towards him as she let out a squeal of giggles.

"We have to go back," Meredith giggled as he peppered her kisses.

"Twenty minutes," he muttered amongst the kisses, "They can wait twenty minutes."

She giggled until he kissed her deeply once more. Meredith wrapped her lithe arms around his neck and moaned lightly until a buzzing sound interrupted them.

Derek groaned and searched the room. His phone was on the floor next to his discarded pants. He reached for it and answered.

"Amy?" Meredith watched as his brows furrowed. She sat up and kissed his shoulder. She could hear the desperation in her voice but could barely make out her sister-in-law's words.

"Wait, wait, slow down, are you okay?" Derek asked.

"Oh my God," Amelia sighed in relief, "You're alive!"

"Amy what's wrong?"

"Lizzie called and then Mom called. They said you and Kathleen got in some sort of screaming match," she hissed, "They haven't heard from you or Meredith all night and the last time that happened, you were on the side of the road dying!"

"That's not funny," he pushed himself off the bed after turning to his wife and shook his head, "We're fine, tell them we're fine. We're on our way back."

"Derek," Amy pleaded. He could practically hear her wipe tears, "Don't do that again, please."

"I'll call you when we land," he quietly answered before hanging up.

Meredith watched as he quickly dressed himself, "You have to talk to her"

Derek turned to her as he buttoned his pants, "Who? What are you talking about?"

"Carolyn- your mother," Meredith swallowed, "You have to talk to her so that you can move forward and be better for yourself."

Derek reached for his shirt and sighed, "I can't let her see I'm in pain."

"You don't have to," Meredith sighed, "She's your mom. She already knows you're in pain."

If there was something Meredith understood deeply, it was a mother's intuition. And if her husband was going to get any better, he needed to talk.

Derek Shepherd had never once in his life done the walk of shame to his mothers house. Not once. Mark teased him mercilessly over and over about it.

But Meredith Grey was an expert. She'd done it enough times that she was sure her mother was in the hospital instead of home or she just didn't care. She did however, receive an extensive amount of conversation about safe sex. Birth control. Options. Her mother, on a medical front, had made sure she was healthy and safe.

She gave Ellis Grey credit there.

As they reached the front door, Derek jabbed the keys and quietly opened the door. He looked around and let Meredith in.

"Meredith? Derek is that you?"

Lizzie's worried voice called through the hallway. She stepped in and let out a sigh of relief as she practically flew to embrace them.

"Oh my God," she sighed in relief as her arms clung around her brother, "We've been up all night. Are you guys okay? Please tell me your okay-"

"We're fine, we just needed space." Derek stepped back as Meredith moved away, " Liz what are you still doing here?"

"Mom was worried and I didn't want to leave her alone," she shook her head, "she said you yelled at Mer and we're hitting things with a baseball bat and you just disappeared."

Derek sighed as he ran his hand through his hair, "Where is she?"

"Outside," she sighed.

"What about the kids?" Meredith asked.

"They had breakfast," Liz explained as she turned to her sister-in-law, "Zo, she uh-"

"She had a panic attack?" Both parents blurted.

Liz blinked, "No, no, she's fine. She uh, she asked if you guys had gone out for the night. They slept through the whole thing. Poor kids, I thought they had heard but Zo said she slept through the night. So did Bailey and Ellis."

She chuckled lightly as the parents pushed past her.

"Hey," she called out, "Listen, I know I'm not on your good side right now, but what Kate said, Derek-"

"Lizzie-"

"I don't," She swallowed, "I don't blame you. It's not your fault any of it happened. You know that right?"

Derek nodded, "I know."

Liz embraced him and glanced at Meredith who watched the whole exchange. She stuffed her hands in her pocket and shifted uncomfortably as she looked away, "She's good for you, you know?"

"She's right there," Derek chuckled, "She's listening, why are you saying it like she's not?"

"I know. Take care of her. And take care of your kids because they're so beautiful. They're your future Derek, everything that happened here is the past," Lizzie whispered, "Just…don't be a stranger, okay?"

"I'll try my best," Derek nodded as he pulled away. One more sister had sided with him. Three against two. They'd beat the odds.

Lizzie smiled once more at Meredith once more, "Take care of him? Keep him in line."

Meredith nodded once with a smile as Lizzie left. Of course she'd take care of him. They'd been taking care of each other for years and a promise on a post-it was waiting for them at home. It was a promise they'd intended to keep.

"I'm gonna check on the kids," Meredith nodded, "And get them ready. You need to talk to her."

"Zo? Bails? Ellie?" Meredith called out as she reached the top of the stairs. She looked into the room Zola and Ellis had been staying only to find their shared suitcase at the door.

She opened the door to her son, "We're home, we-"

A delightful surprise awaited her as her favorite trio was lying on the floor in a fit of giggles. Bailey held a photo album in his hands, apparently one that belonged to her husband, "What are we laughing at?"

"Dad's high school pictures," Zola managed to explain as they offered the book, "We found a lot of them."

"Don't laugh, it's not nice," Meredith sat on the floor with them as she reached for the book. She couldn't help the light laugh that escaped her as she covered her mouth. The teenager in question had an unruly round wild bush of curls, acne, and an incredibly lithe frame that was practically overpowered by the saxophone in his hands. Everything he'd once described to her once. He wasn't lying about it.

"I don't have many pictures," Meredith smiled, "But I think my pink hair was not as bad as this."

"You had pink hair?" Ellis' eyes practically bulged out, "I want green hair!"

Zola and Bailey couldn't help the second fit of giggles that escaped them.

"Okay, well, we can circle back to that in a few years," Meredith negotiated, "Um, did you guys hear any- I know that things were a little weird last night with Daddy's sisters-"

"What do you mean?" Bailey asked.

The faces of the children in front of her were riddled with confusion. She sighed and rendered to the fact that maybe they had managed to preserve some innocence, "Nothing, never mind, I just, you three know you're stuck with me right? No matter what? I'm always gonna be there for you, no matter how far you are or how old you get? I'm always gonna love you."

It was a sacred promise any mother could make. Almost a wordless one. And she was determined to keep it no matter what.

"We know mom," Zola smiled, "You're stuck with us, too."

"What the hell were you thinking?" Carolyn yelled as he stepped outside, "You two disappear in the middle of the night after yelling at everyone and think it's okay to just vanish?"

"I'm not a kid for you to -"

"I saw you on a vent, remember? I said my goodbyes to you thinking I lost you like I lost your-"

"I'm fine," Derek whispered before she could finish her sentence, "I'm right here. Meredith was with me and she made sure I didn't do anything stupid."

"And Meredith- oh Meredith likes to walk on the line-" Carolyn paced as she ran a hand through her hair.

"Yeah, she does, it's why I married her," Derek chuckled as he sat on the bench, "Ma, sit here. Get your blood pressure down."

"You can't charm your way out of this," Carolyn sat next to him, "You've always done that since you were a kid-"

"I'm fine, look at me," he smiled, "I was angry. I'm still upset. But I'm here. I'm alive and I'm fine."

Carolyn reached to touch his cheek, sadness glazing over her brown eyes, "What your sisters said-"

"I don't want to talk about what my sisters said," Derek mumbled as he looked down, "I don't want to talk about last night."

"Derek, when he died I let you hide away from it," Carolyn continued to look at her only son, "I let you pretend you were fine and I let you take care of everyone."

"I told you I would do it-"

"I was the mom, you were the kid," Carolyn shook her head, "that was my job. To take care of you and to take care of your sisters. I shouldn't have let you take so much on your shoulders."

"You were alone," Derek could feel his eyes water, "Dad died and you were left with five kids and we weren't exactly the easiest."

"No you weren't," Carolyn lightly chuckled, "I had to push through. I had to move forward because I had five kids to provide for. And it was scary."

Derek turned to her with his brows furrowed, "You were? You always seemed so-"

"Confident? How many times have you let your kids see you like you were last night?"

Derek blinked. Of course they hadn't. Even during Bailey's scare, he'd kept a straight, brave face. He wouldn't scare his children any more than they already were.

"I was so determined to keep going, keep moving forward, and to not let anything get in the way," Carolyn continued, "And everyone would say I had done it. I raised five kids who all went on to become doctors. That's what everyone saw."

No one talked about the pain it was for Carolyn to put them through med school. The extra hours she'd put in the hospital. The extra shifts. No one knew the nights she'd cried herself to sleep. Not even her children.

"But no one knew was that my kids were somewhat heartbroken," she swallowed, "I tried to remind that I loved you enough for the both of us-"

"We knew," Derek nodded as he let the tears trickle, "Amy likes to tell everyone that you would tell us every night before bed."

Carolyn smiled before continuing, "You promised you'd take care of her. And you did your best. You did-"

"I just wanted to…protect her. I wanted to take care of her- even when I didn't. I made a promise and I didn't-"

"I shouldn't have let you take on such a big responsibility. I shouldn't have let you believe she was your responsibility," Carolyn continued, "You and Amelia suffered the most. And I made amends with her. I did, but you-"

"I don't blame you," Derek sighed, "Ma, you were grieving. You were-"

"I know you don't," Carolyn nodded as she thought back to her youngest daughter, she and Derek had always been so alike and so different, "But you should know that you did everything right. You feeling as if you failed-"

Meredith's voice echoed in his head, She's your mom. She already knows you're in pain.

"You didn't. You didn't fail," Carolyn pressed her lips in a thin line, "You were the kid. I was the adult. I was the mom and in my grief, I didn't remind you to- I let you-"

Derek could see that she couldn't get the words out. She couldn't find a way to tell him everything and yet she'd found how to with little words. Parenthood wasn't perfect. Parenthood was difficult, no matter the circumstance.

"You've managed to make a life and you need to move forward with that," she swallowed, "You are raising three beautiful children with an amazing woman who understands your pain and your grief. So move forward. Move forward and leave behind all the things that went wrong because it's not on you. It's not your fault."

Derek nodded as he wiped his tears away, "Last night, I uh, I told her the full story about Dad for the first time. I never wanted to tell her because I knew she had her own grief from her mom."

Carolyn sniffed as she listened intently.

"I always hid away all the pain from Dad because I thought I'd let him down," he swallowed, "And every time something went wrong, I blamed myself. Mer said I hide behind my career."

Carolyn nodded, "You've done that since you were a kid."

"Yeah," Derek chuckled, "Having kids it…rips you apart into a million pieces. You see yourself in them. The good, the bad, the things you've tried to hide away. I see it all in my kids. And watching them grow has been the best thing and it's been the most painful thing that has happened to me."

Carolyn reached for his hand, "It worsens when you see them pack their bags and move away."

Derek laughed before thinking back to his kids, "I don't want them to live in that fear. I don't them to be angry at the world, to be scared that everything can be taken away. I don't want them to-to feel that."

"Sometimes, we can't help what our kids go through," she gulped, "Life doesn't give us the cards we want it to."

Life dealt the Shepherds an unfair card. And it dealt the Greys unfair ones too. Now, the Grey Shepherds had a few bad ones of their own. How they played the cards they had was up to them.

"I didn't run away from you, ma," his face softened, "I moved away from the pain of feeling like a failure."

"You did the right thing. And look what you found," Carolyn nodded, "Let her in."

He didn't need a name to know who she was speaking about. She always liked her. She always thought her view of the world complemented his. And she'd been right. She'd been right.

"Even if it scares you," Carolyn continued, "Let her in. You love her, and she loves you. And you two are going to trip and fall every now and then- parenting is that way- but you'll make it. I know that."

He heard a faraway echo of giggles coming from an open window upstairs. Four giggles he'd give his life to hear every single day.

"Thank you," Derek whispered. He was finally releasing the tethered rope that held him down to the world of guilt and pain and moving towards a pasture where he was determined to give his children the chance to embrace…everything. And he wouldn't be alone. He'd have the love of his life to stand with.

Derek wrapped one arm around his mother and embraced her. They sat in silence for a minute before she pulled away and raised a disappointed brow at him.

"Now, what's this about you hitting the engagement ring I gave you with a bat?"

Derek groaned as he hung his head in disappointment.

Meredith zipped the suitcase and reached for the phone cable on the stand. She'd showered, packed everything up and checked the kids bags. She'd called a car while Derek showered, determined to get on the plane and make it home. Everything was ready.

Meredith furrowed her brow at the missing cable. Right, she thought, the kitchen, she'd left it in the kitchen while they ate dinner with the sisters.

She made her way down the stairs and stopped at the frame. Carolyn sat at the table with a mug in her hands.

"Oh," Meredith stuttered, "I uh, I left my cable- it's-"

"On the counter," Carolyn smiled, "it's still plugged in."

Meredith nodded, "Right, thanks."

"I'm sorry he hit the ring with the bat," Carolyn's voice broke through the tension. She hadn't seen her since she told her she knew her own son better. Since she bitterly spoke to her after witnessing her husband be destroyed left and right. A bold move for any daughter in law. She was sure that Carolyn would despise her after that, maybe tell her never to return. Apparently, she was wrong.

"Yeah, me too," Meredith smiled as she twisted the cable in her hands, "I'm sorry I don't wear it as often. I'm just not so- I wear my band but I forget to put it on after surgery so it's rarely-"

"It's yours. What you do with it is up to you," Carolyn assured her, "You're all packed up?"

Meredith smiled, surprised at the gentleness Carolyn offered, "Yeah, the kids are just packing some last minute things and Derek is finishing up. Thank you for letting us stay by the way. They really loved spending time with you."

"They're beautiful," Carolyn gushed, "They are the best of you and my son."

"And the worst" Meredith shook her head as she exhaled, "Stubborn and hot-headed."

"And kind. Determined. Hard-working. Caring. Open. Loving," Carolyn laughed, "They're human just like you."

Meredith smiled. They were perfect in her eyes. But the world would one day show them that even the kindest of people tripped.

"Thank you for taking care of my son," Carolyn quietly said, "I know you're a strong woman on your own but I know how good you two are for each other. And traveling here isn't the easiest and this trip- the ending- was like a nightmare."

They laughed together before Meredith spoke, "Siblings are...complicated. And I know what you went through wasn't easy. I can't imagine it. And I don't want to."

Carolyn smiled, "Well your kids are still young, most of their fights will be over TVs and who took what and who's taking longer in the bathroom."

Meredith laughed before licking her lips, "Zola liked Boston. She made friends. She was smiling. But the other two don't want to move. What do I do? What do we do?"

Carolyn pondered her question, "I could tell you that moving is the right thing to do, because it's a fresh start to a little girl who's seen so much and it'd do the others good to have a clean slate, too. I could also tell you that leaving would be terrifying because you'd be leaving everything you know behind."

Meredith nodded at the unhelpful advice. She knew all of that. She'd weighed it on a scale and couldn't see which side tipped over most.

"But your instinct, that motherly instinct you have," Carolyn smiled, "That will tell you what to do. And even then, you'll doubt yourself. But it'll be the best chance you can give your kids."

"Alright, let's hit the road," Derek's voice echoed through the house as he stepped into the kitchen. He clapped his hands together, "Sorry, I uh, I interrupted but the kids are on their way down."

Meredith smiled at him, "I'm gonna go get my bag, and check that I packed everything. Did you bring everything else down?"

"Yeah," Derek nodded, "Kids' stuff is downstairs too."

She left the kitchen and left the mother and son on their own.

Derek sighed, "Thanks. For everything."

"You're my son," Carolyn smiled, "You don't need to thank me. It's my job to be your mom."

Coming home had been more than he had expected. He had closure he didn't have before. A feeling that he wasn't completely fine now, but he'd taken a step forward. The first step in admitting he wasn't pain free. He wasn't the stoic, firm, shoulder to lean on. She was human, just like everyone else. And that was okay.

"I need you to say it," Carolyn tenderly reached to caress her son's cheek once more. He was better. So much better.

He had left a broken man whose best friend and wife had betrayed him. A young teenager who made a promise too big for his own good. A kid who'd lost so much.

Now he'd come back a stronger man happily married with three children. A little scratched, a little broken, but determined to look forward. It was proof that his future was so much brighter than what he had once imagined.

"It wasn't my fault," he repeated.

This time, he believed it.

A/N: Oh, how I love Derek Shepherd and the arc that could've been.

It's so great and compliments Meredith's so well and enhances her role as a parter and as a person who was not so attune with knowing what being someone's partner meant. That scene in season 3 where Derek apologizes and realizes he's her first real relationship echoed in my head as I wrote this chapter and this part of Mer's development. She's learned Derek's deep rooted pain and has learned how to show him tough love and reassurance. Let's be real here, she wasn't always the best at that, no one taught her, she didn't' have a healthy example of it. And she's growing her confidence in being a mother and trusting her instinct as a mother. She's an excellent surgeon, a brilliant medical mind, and we are aware she's a mother but I think the journey to her being a good mother is so much more interesting considering her past.

Back to Derek. Woah, am I right? I had all the sister episodes playing every time I sat to write and I replayed 11x07 over and over and over to get into the mentality Derek had. His dad's death just replayed over and over when he realized how cruel he'd been to not step up for Amy. That episode really cemented my view on Derek. It made me want to punch him, but also understand that this dude was messed up and I wanted to know more. I always wanted to know more. There was never any real answers about his backstory and that always bothered me.

This chapter is titled after the song Gulls by David Gray. It's played in 11x21 and I can hear my heart ache when I hear it. But it's so beautiful and when I hear it, it takes to that scene where he's waving to the ambulance. Perfectly at peace with saving lives. I don't what happens after- because it doesn't exist in this au. So I chose it because this is a very Derek heavy chapter.

I hope I did his backstory justice. I hope you enjoyed. I appreciate your reviews- I read them all! And I cannot wait to hear your thoughts.