Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own Naruto or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

Naruto was doing some work in the Hokage Tower when he found Shizune alone in a room, crying.

Naruto: "Ah! Shizune-nee-chan! What's wrong?"

Shizune: sobs "Naruto! I'm 34 years old!"

Naruto: "Oh! Happy Birthday, nee-chan-!"

Shizune keeps crying.

Shizune: "Almost 35! AND I'M STILL SINGLE!"

Naruto: "What?! What's wrong with that?!"

Shizune: "I'm a Christmas Cake that's almost ten years past expiration!"

Naruto: "I've had Christmas Cakes way past that expiration date! They were still good!"

Shizune: "Wrong kind of cake, Naruto!"

Naruto: "Oh... OH! Okay... Look, you're not old! You're not like Granny! You can still find someone!"

Shizune: "W-Well... I mean... I did go on a kind of sort of date... With the Hokage."

Naruto: GASP "KAKASHI-SENSEI?! ARE YOU KIDDING?!"

Shizune: "Wh-What?"

Naruto: "But-But Kakashi-sensei is totally wrong for you! Just think of it! He'll be late to the wedding, late to the honeymoon, late to everything with you! And he'll keep reading porn even while you're having relations!"

Shizune: "HE'S THE FIRST ONE TO ACTUALLY SHOW INTEREST!" pause "Well, aside from Gai, but I don't date patients. And anyway, sure he has his flaws but I can't be picky at my age!"

Naruto: "Come on Shizune! You know he's kind of a walking disaster! Even after getting his head on straight!"

Shizune: "If not him, then who?!"

Naruto: "Look, just... Give me some time to find some guys who aren't a total freaking disaster?"

Shizune: "Like who?"

Naruto: "Ummmm..."

Naruto thinks through all the single males of Konoha and other villages...

Naruto: "... Okay there are a lot of low cards in that hand..." Grabs Shizune's hand "But trust me! Come on!" He drags her off "I gotta make some calls!"

And so...

Killer Bee: "Yo yo yo! I'm Killer Bee, happy to see, a flowering honey! You need a man? I'm the one, that's the plan! Now, where's Tsunade-baby, huh? Huh?"

Naruto: "She's not the one you're here to see, Octopop. Shizune is!"

Killer Bee: mild disappointment "Oh."

Shizune: "... Uh... I don't know."

Naruto: "See? He's a rapper, he's friendly and fun, and really strong..."

Shizune: "Maybe I'm not quite as desperate as I thought..."

Killer Bee: "Ow! That hurts, sweetie! But you'll see! The Killer Bee will pollinate you soon enough, whee!"

Dead, awkward silence.

Shizune: "... Look, Naruto. He's hot and all, but that flow is whack."

Killer Bee: "Uh-buh?" Sad and depressed "I'm between albums! Got writer's block!"

Naruto: "Sorry Octo-Pop."

Killer Bee: "Eh, maybe I'll try wit some Mist honey! LATER NARU-BRO!" He heads off

Naruto: "Don't worry Shizune-nee-chan! I'll keep trying! I SWEAR!"

Shizune: "Th-Thanks...? Oh dear..."

Later at a bar Naruto has brought Shizune to...

Naruto: "Okay, okay, fine... Um..." Snaps his fingers "I'VE GOT IT!"

Shizune: "Huh?!"

Naruto: "You won't date the original, but what about... THE SEQUEL?!" Yanks in Rock Lee

Lee: "Hello Shizune-san!"

Shizune: "Er, hello Lee."

Lee: beams "I have heard you are desperate to find a man!"

Shizune: "W-Well, I mean-"

Lee: "DO NOT WORRY! Despite the age difference, I still find you attractive and believe we can overcome the huge gulf in years between us with HARD WORK!"

Shizune: "Huge gulf?!"

Lee: "I am a genius of hard work! When it comes to the bedroom, if I cannot please you with three orgasms, I will please you with ten orgasms! And if I can't please you with ten orgasms, I will please you with-!"

Naruto: "WOAH WOAH WOAH! Slow down!"

Lee: "Sorry! I thought that, as she is an older woman, I should be direct with what I, as a much younger man, can do for her! But you are right, Naruto! My youthful intensity might overwhelm my much older partner!"

Shizune: "N-NEXT!"

Lee: "Awww..." Lee heads out and is jumped by three women "GAHHHHH!"

Naruto: "You didn't say you were this picky, Shizune-nee-chan!"

Shizune: "W-Well... Maybe I shouldn't be... It's just a little overwhelming, you know? I don't think such... Intense men are my thing."

Naruto: "Hmmm... Intensity, huh?"

Shizune: "I mean, they should be intense but not... All the time! Otherwise I'd just be... Boring to them."

Ebisu: "HEY! I'm single, I'm not that intense!" Slides in with a grin "What do you say, Shizune-san? Wanna take a chance on me?"

Shizune: "Uhhh... Well, I wouldn't want a... You know... Closet pervert."

Ebisu: "But-But-I can come out of the closet! Just for you, baby!"

Shizune: "NEXT!"

Ebisu: "Awwww...!" He heads off

Shizune: "And I'd also prefer they're good with kids, you know?"

Ebisu: "I TAUGHT KONOHAMARU!"

Shizune: "I SAID NO!"

Ebisu: "Awww!" Slinks off

Naruto: "Well don't you want your boyfriend or husband to be a little perverted, Shizune-nee-chan?"

Shizune: "I-I... Yes..." blush "But in the right way! Not... You know... In denial of it, but not controlled by it."

Naruto: "Good with kids... Not too intense... Controlled perversion..." snaps his fingers "I'VE GOT IT!" He Grabs Iruka Umino "IRUKA-SENSEI!"

Iruka: "BWAH! Y-Yes Naruto?"

Naruto: "You're single and lonely! Meet Shizune-nee-chan! She's the same!"

Iruka: "Uh, yeah, we've met..."

Naruto: "And now is the time for you two to get to know each other intmately!"

Iruka: "Why? What's the rush?"

Naruto: "Her biological clock is ringing!"

Shizune: "It is not!"

Naruto: "She was even willing to date Kakashi-sensei!"

Iruka: "..." shakes his head "You poor desperate woman."

Shizune: "He's interested!"

Naruto: "Is he? Is he really?!"

Shizune: "I'd marry Orochimaru if I was sure of the plumbing situation down there!"

Karin: scoffs "Girl, you know that it's a hot mess much as everyone else."

Shizune: "Oh fine! Maybe I am... Desperate! Maybe I am too picky! Maybe I just want to stop being alone and I'm a mess too!" sighs "I just... Want someone to hold me, you know? To make me a better person! Who cares about the things I do!"

Iruka: "Like the people we care about?"

Shizune: "Yes!"

Iruka: smiles "Like Naruto? And the Hokage? And our village?"

Shizune: smiles back "Yes!"

Iruka: "Well... We share those things. I also happen to have a stable job, minimal eccentricities, find you attractive, and have a well hidden kinky side.

Shizune: "... How kinky?"

Iruka: "We can explore that in detail in private?"

Shizune: is holding onto Iruka's arm with a blush and smile "Sold!"

Naruto: "What the... Iruka-sensei?! Since when do you have game?!"

Iruka: "I don't have to tell you everything about my personal life, Naruto."

Naruto: "I... Yeah, fair enough. Phew... I'm really glad this is working out."

Iruka: "Oh? Why?"

Naruto: "Because if you didn't work out, I might've have had to marry Shizune-nee-chan myself."

And suddenly Hinata is directly behind Naruto, glaring death at Shizune.

Shizune: "Er... uh... N-Naruto-kun..."

Naruto: "But I'm very glad I didn't have to! No offense Shizune but I'd much rather marry Hinata-chan."

Hinata fades away.

Naruto: Blinks "Something wrong?"

Shizune: Horrified. "WHAT WAS THAT?!"

Naruto: "What was what?"

Iruka: low voice "Don't draw attention to it. Let's just go stargazing."

Shizune: "R-Right... That sounds nice..."

Just a bit of fun...