Blah blah blah: regular text
"Blah Blah Blah" regular speech
'Blah Blah Blah' regular thought or flashback
"Blah Blah Blah" Kyuubi/demonic or summon talking
'Blah Blah Blah' Kyuubi/demonic or summon thinking
BREAKING NEWS: This just in from our agent in the field: "Thanks Collin, well folks it would appear that the esteemed and glorified writer EDelta88 does not in fact own Naruto," and now back to your regularly scheduled programming...
A/N
Don't panic anyone I have been working on this and NotNT at the same time so that IS coming, this just got done first.
Chapter 9: Irony is a Bitch... Carry Dog Treats
"This is hilarious."
'Maybe to you it was, you weren't the one it was happening to.'
"And that makes it that much better."
'I swear, there is some god or something screwing with me for their own amusement.'
"Oh how right you are."
'Are you serious!?'
"What are you talking about?"
'You just said I was right!"
"No I didn't."
'Yes you did'
"I said nothing."
'You just said that I was right about there was some sort of higher being screwing with me!'
"…"
'What's with the look?'
"You're an idiot."
Deep in a cave near the Wind and River country border
Two weeks after Naruto left
Currently Naruto was sitting near the entrance of the cave he now shared with Hinata feeling like irony was out to get him as he took a break from going over the scroll that Gamakichi had given him earlier that day when Naruto had summoned him.
As Naruto looked back on his relatively short time spent in hiding he realized something. These had been two of the most crazy, confusing, embarrassing, informative, and enlightening weeks of his life.
First there had been the night when they'd first arrived in the cave where he told Hinata about his fuzzy little secret and her rather unique reaction, now granted he hadn't told many people so he didn't have much to go on but he certainly hadn't expected her to start bawling.
Then there had been the next day… damn that had been interesting. First there had been the spanking…he really didn't know what to think about that. Then there was his choice of replacement clothes for Hinata, which wasn't really that bad just a little embarrassing in hindsight.
Then there was the incident with the bath that led to Naruto's flash of brilliance to use Kage Bunshin as a training tool and an intimate familiarity with Hinata's anatomy, the strange thing was she didn't seem upset about it. Not that he was complaining but it felt kind of weird since most other girls would be out for his blood…
Then that night he'd made a very interesting discovery…Hinata snuggled in her sleep. Now perhaps she was just cold or something but whatever it was she was very… persistent…again it wasn't that he was complaining.
The next day had started off innocently enough, they woke up, ate, talked for a little while, named their little cave "Camp Hole in the Wall" (surprisingly that had been Hinata's idea), then Naruto had sent like 600 clones off to train. The really interesting part had been when he dispelled the clones… all at once… and put himself into a coma for the next day and a half…yeah wouldn't be doing that again. Dispelling in small groups, now that's the way to go.
After that things had calmed down for the most part with few exceptions.
There were several more useful discoveries, most of them involving some new way to use Kage Bunshin, Naruto's favorite so far was using it with a Henge to get work so that if the clone was detected all it had to do to lose the person was dispel and no one could know for sure it was him, the fact that he could have a small army doing this was an added bonus.
Also there had been a few more embarrassing incidents, including Naruto receiving memories from a clone that had briefly visited an S & M Shop and learned what a spanking was…and Hinata had thought she was the only one who could turn that particular shade of red.
Then there were the occasional training accidents which had mostly been his clones meeting creative and messy ends, or they would have been messy if it weren't clones. Although he had managed to injure himself often enough.
And then there was yesterday…oh boy…
Flashback
Yesterday
So far it had been a rather tame day at "Camp Hole in the Wall" so far Naruto had: gotten up, fed/talked with Hinata, trained (leaving three clones to guard/care for Hinata), come back, fed/talked with Hinata again, and was now training once more when one of his clones dispelled warning him of the "dire" circumstance back at the cave. From what he had gathered from his clone's memory it had been speaking with Hinata when suddenly she'd cut off for no apparent reason other then the dark blood stain spreading across the crotch of her pants…wait.
Suffice it to say that Naruto's training for the day was canceled as he seemingly disappeared in his haste to reach his "injured" friend as his clones attempted to administer first aid.
Meanwhile Hinata was having a rather interesting internal monologue, you see this bleeding was nothing new to her and, due to the more-informative-then-absolutely-necessary "Sex Ed" provided by the academy, shouldn't have been much of a mystery to Naruto either. Judging by the reaction of Naruto's clones however (first panicking and running around like chickens with their head cut off before attempting to administer unnecessary first aid) it was quite obvious that Naruto was in need of her expert help, it was time to give Naruto "The Talk." Of course the fact that she was planning on using herself as a visual aid (he'd already seen it all anyway, might as well tempt him) during such a conversation on the relations between boys and girls might have advantageous effects had absolutely nothing to do with her decision to go into further detail then was absolutely necessary.
So it was that Naruto rushed into the cave and after seeing the situation for himself promptly started pacing trying to think of something his clones had missed. Whatever the wound was it didn't seem too sever if the amount of blood was anything to go by but-
TWUMP
'The hell? What did I trip over?' he thought while looking down to find… Hinata, just calmly lying there in nothing but a shirt and wrist bindings (everything else had been removed for the "first aid"), 'Did she just roll half way across the cave to trip me?' he wondered before Hinata started to talk.
"Ok Naruto-kun what just happened to me is what's called a Period and is part of…"
For some reason Naruto couldn't help but feel as though a great doom were about to befall him.
Present Time
Now by this point some of you may be wondering why any of what I have just told you is at all important when speaking about what Naruto is reading in a giant ass scroll given to him (if indirectly) by his sensei. In order to completely understand the irony of the situation you must first understand what the scroll was, you see Jiraiya had written down and/or sealed in information on hundreds of useful jutsu (including all of Jiraiya's favorites and a few he'd helped invent), advice for advancing his Taijutsu, ways for him to counter Genjutsu(including the suggestion of entering an anti-genjutsu partnership with the Kyuubi, an idea he'd gotten from information on the Jinchuuriki of Kumo), all the reference material he would need to become a seal master, a multitude of weapons and guides on how to use them, books on strategy for every situation, scrolls on interrogation and reconnaissance, ALL of the fourth's notes and musings that were still in existence, and every training exercise that the crazy hermit could remember or invent, not to mention all the security measures Ero-sennin had put on the stuff he'd sent to ensure it couldn't be lost or stolen. However in addition to all of that Ero-sennin had included a section that Naruto would have found exceedingly useful and would have allowed him to completely avoid that fiasco that Hinata had called "The Talk;" though if he were completely honest with himself he had enjoyed every second of it.
'Seriously who would've guessed that the old pervert could have something useful to say on the subject without making a complete fool of himself,' thought Naruto.
And he had a point Ero-sennin had managed to write what amounted to a book (in addition to several books and scrolls that he had included) detailing all the general information he could ever need about girls, boys, puberty, their relationships, and sex in a wholly coherent and informative manner. He'd even included a set of drawings and diagrams so that Naruto had a visual to go along with everything that his mentor was telling him. He'd even included directions for a simple birth control seal.
Then Naruto got to the bottom of the "All You Will Ever Need To Know About The Fairer Sex" section of the scroll and followed the instructions to release the storage seal there he realized why the pervert of the Sennin hadn't tried to corrupt him before. Now sitting on the floor of the cave was the complete set of "Icha Icha" and a short note…
There will be a quiz.
-Ero-sennin
End Notes
For anyone who didn't get the joke at the beginning Kyuubi is considered a "higher being"