Potential TW: depression. Nothing too graphic, but please also know that your feelings are valid and you don't have to deal with everything alone. I've always felt that the reason for Cal's behaviour in season 3 could only be explained by his fears and insecurities about becoming just like his mother, which have been hinted at several times. I doubt that the writers would make him as vulnerable as I did, but it also makes sense as he comes full circle with his feelings and pushes people away.

Cal was sitting alone on a Friday evening, surrounded by the welcomed darkness and the silence of his own home, disturbed only by the soft flicker of a table lamp in the living room. He lost track of time, drowning in his own thoughts and feelings mixed with a self-soothing glass of scotch. Emily left for a trip to Chicago with Zoe, meaning he got a chance to sink deep into the memories.

Lately he felt so drained like he's been hit by a train; the numbness was intoxicating, covering him up like a little blanket, and it was getting harder and harder to resist the temptation of sweet nothingness, pausing everything to a comatose state. It's when you say to yourself, "One more day, and then I'll start doing my tasks," but this never comes, and you stay with everything piling on top of each other. It's not even procrastination; you can't move or get out of bed, and when you do, it's a relief, but it doesn't last long. You never run on a full battery; it's always half empty since you wake up in the morning. No recharges last long enough. He could get through a day at work just fine as it distracted him, but with the day ending always came everything he pushed away.

A sudden buzzing of his phone brought Cal back to reality, and he flinched, looking at the caller's ID. He watched while Gillian's name flashed on the screen, consumed by guilt, not finding the strength to pick it up, thinking about sending her a little text (it wouldn't be enough anyway). Instead, Cal turned on a TV and scrolled past several channels to find something as the background noise.

He didn't pay attention to the sound of his front door opening. After all, there was only one person who had a spare key. Gillian entered the room and saw Cal sitting on the couch, his face buried in his hands. He was clearly distressed, his breathing labored and uneven.

"Cal," she said softly, moving to sit next to him. "What's wrong?"

Cal looked up at her, his eyes red and puffy. He didn't answer her.

Gillian placed a hand on his shoulder. "Cal, please talk to me."

"It's nothing, Gillian. Just some old memories that won't go away."

Gillian sat down next to him on the couch and took his hand in hers, rubbing small circles on the back of it.

"You don't have to go through this alone, Cal. I'm here for you."

"I don't want to burden you with my problems."

Gillian squeezed his hand. "You're not a burden, Cal. You're my partner, my friend, and I care about you. You don't have to face this alone."

Cal looked at her, tears still in his eyes. He nodded his head, and Gillian pulled him into a hug. He buried his face in her shoulder, and she held him tight, rubbing soothing circles on his back.

After a few moments, Cal's sobs subsided, and he took a deep breath. "I don't know what's wrong with me," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. "I feel like I'm falling apart."

"You're not falling apart," Gillian said firmly. "You're just going through a tough time."

Cal shook his head. "It's more than that," he said, his voice cracking. "I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to fix myself. I'm scared that…it might be hereditary"

Gillian leaned her head on his shoulder. "You don't have to fix yourself," she said softly. "You just need to let me help you."

"I don't deserve you," he said, his voice raw with emotion.

Gillian took his face in her hands and looked into his eyes. "Don't say that. You deserve happiness and love just as much as anyone else. And I care about you, Cal. I'll always be here for you, no matter what."

After a few minutes of silence, Cal finally spoke, his voice shaky and hoarse. "I'm sorry, Gill. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for pushing you away, for not being there for you, for not being the person you needed me to be."

"I knew you were going through a tough time. You've been through a lot."

"But that's no excuse for the way I've been treating you. I've been so selfish. I've been so focused on my own problems that I haven't been able to see how much you're hurting too."

Gillian brushed a tear from his cheek. "It's okay, Cal. I'm here for you. I'll always be here for you."

"I'm sorry," Cal said between sobs. "I'm so sorry, love. I should have never pushed you away like that."

"It's okay," Gillian said, holding him tighter. "I'm here now, Cal. You can tell me anything."

Cal took a deep breath, trying to compose himself. "I just can't help feeling guilty. I've loved you for so long, Gill. But I was scared. Scared of losing you, scared of messing things up. So I pushed you away, and I hate myself for it."

Gillian's heart broke at Cal's words. She knew he had feelings for her, but to hear him say it out loud was overwhelming. She hugged him tighter, letting him know she was there for him.

"I'm not going anywhere, Cal," she said softly. "I'm here for you. And I love you too."

Cal looked up at her, surprised. "You do?"

Gillian nodded, smiling through her own tears. "I do. I've loved you for a long time too, Cal. But I didn't want to push you. I wanted you to come to me when you were ready."

Cal let out a shaky breath, tears still streaming down his face. "I'm sorry," he repeated. "I'm just a mess."

"You're not a mess," Gillian said, wiping away his tears. "You're human, Cal. You have feelings, just like everyone else. And I'm here to help you through them. How about we change that scotch to a lavender tea and I cook a decent meal for you?"

"That sounds nice…and Gillian.."

"Yes?"

"Will you stay with me?"

"Well, it's pretty late to go back home now anyway" she joked.

"I'm not talking about tonight"

"Yes, Cal. I will"

Gillian leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead, and for the first time in months, his mind stopped racing with all the anxious thoughts, and he felt a weight being lifted off his shoulders.