Chapter 3
Maybe it's my illness. I had planned to get it cleared up before it kills me but I kept putting it off. 'Next week' I'd said every week for at least 3 weeks but now... It's too late for that to matter.
Maybe it's all the attention. I was never good at having all eyes on me. Annie is the social butterfly in this relationship. I bet she's worried sick about Killer and I by now...
Maybe it was the blow to the head or the hanging upside down for so long or the entire situation as a whole. Whichever contributes whatever, it leads to me up-chucking all over the illustrious King's boots before he can even try to interrogate me.
It's made all the worse by my last meal's consistency. I was starved and inhaled anything I could get my hands on. That included a sack of gummy bears, two hot dogs (condiments included), a bag of salt and vinegar potato chips, a cheeseburger, and a large Diet Coke. All of which paint the floor a lovely shade of gross.
"Ahem." I wipe my mouth with the side of my shoulder sleeve while clearing my throat. Slowly, ever so slowly, the countless pairs of eyes lift back to my face. Shrugging, I hum lightly while rocking on my heels "Sorry. I'm a little nervous."
If looks could kill, Dwalin and Thorin would be tied over my corpse. No surprise there, what with the balding dwarrow being Mister high and mighty's 'yes' man. I swear, if Thorin wanted to yank one out, the balding dwarf would beat him to it. Putting aside my thoughts of the two's obvious bromance, I look around for a chair while they clean up his shoes. Finding one that's only two hops away, I settle in it before anyone's shock can wear off.
"Well come on, big boys. Show me your best shot. As for the rest of you in significant individuals," I incline my head at my puddle of spew "someone should do something about that before Billy Bob wakes up. I'd do it, I swear I would, but I'm a bit tied up at the moment."
I'm being awful. Yes. Yes, I know. On any given day I'm persistently difficult but I'm aiming for damn near impossible tonight. If this isn't some screwed-up nightmare, then I need to ensure that the very idea of taking me on this jolly ole adventure doesn't cross anyone's mind. If that means throwing up on a couple of people, so be it.
"Well this is a surprise isn't it?" Greydalf leans on his staff as he peers deeply into my face. It's almost laughable when his own face pulls into a pained grimace before he smooths it out "You are you and not another."
"Your riddles do not work on me, Wizard." Putting on my best villain voice I scoff dismissively "I have little interest in who I should be and more in making Mister Euthanasia's life a living hell. Which I will do. Someway. Somehow."
"Wh-"
"Dwalin." the gravel in the dwarf's voice would send any fangirl into orgasmic conniptions but it just causes me to roll my eyes at his theatrics. You can only be but so sexy while cleaning up chunks of hot dog off your boots "Explain."
"I was on the old north road, having just passed the Dim Hills, when I stumbled upon her. She was laid out against a tree, looking pale as death, but when I approached a wolf sprang out of the bushes. I slew it in defence, something she found extremely upsetting."
"He was only half wolf and was only protecting me. You'll pay for that, I'm telling you that now."
"You are hardly in any position to make threats." Looming over me in a clear threat the short hypocrite of a leader to this ragtag gang glares down his thick nose at me. I return it and glare right back "Continue."
"The lass came searching for the mutt and seeing what was done, flew into a rage and attacked me. Oi! Settle down!" Of course I got up when he called Killer a mutt again. If it wasn't for the axe wielding moron's meaty hand shoving me back down into my chair, I'd have clobbered him for the insult "She was testy then but just as easy to subdue as now."
"What makes you think she's a spy?" Having finished delicately assigning the cleaning brigade, The Grey Grandpa returns as though he'd never been gone. Even though his question is idiotic at best... The idea that I'm obviously a spy from hell is the most logical explanation but whatever "I imagine her reaction is quite expected given the situation. It's no reason to harm the girl."
"I only laid a hand on her, and not to do any true harm, once she started shouting about the quest." Directing his attention back to his King, Dwalin lowers his voice as if he expects me to have backup. Which I don't but I would much appreciate "She knows our names and where we were going... What we were doing. She knew the burglar's name before even I did."
"Makk an E ha'ak... Makk an E ha'ak.*"
"Whoa, aren't you supposed to be a king or something? What king uses that kind of language in front of a lady?"
"You speak of things that you should not know and decipher a language not meant for you to understand. A spy without a doubt but a lady? Hardly." Placing a hand on his sword the dwarf silently rolls the new information in his mind as I try to bring up some more of my lunch. Sadly, he comes to his next words before I can do any further damage "Who sent you?"
"I wasn't sent. I was brought. By Dwalin." Even I'm not crazy enough to bring the gods into this. The useless gods who obviously tried to steal my sister and made a mistake because they're stupid. Because this only happens in freaking Middle Earth. Great. I really could have done without this mess... "I came in his sack over there, remember?"
"... Who are you?"
"You can call me 'your highness ' if it suits your fancy."
"Foolish child, I've no interest in playing your games! You will tell me who you are and who sent you while I'm still in a mind not to do you harm to obtain that information. Now, speak."
"Do I look like a dog to you? Nevermind. You all obviously don't know what a dog looks like!" Biting the inside of my cheek, I embrace the pain to fuel my anger. Without that fire, I'd have to admit that my heart is breaking for my friend and... I'm not ready. I'm not ready to admit anything except for rage "Where I came from doesn't matter. Who sent me if anyone even did, isn't important because I have no intention of using the knowledge in my head. You, Thorin Oakenshield, can die tomorrow or live to have 50 children with 50 different women as far as I'm concerned. But Dwalin? He made the biggest mistake of his life today and he'll pay for it one way or another. Now take your interrogation and shove it up your royal behind."
Turning my head towards the window in a clear act of defiance and dismissal, I let the sound of the crackling fire wash over me. The acrid scent of my barf penetrates my nose but I don't care. The king wants to know more but without beating it out of me, it would seem the proper dwarves are at a proper stand still.
Maybe come morning they'll change their minds. Maybe they'll beat me senseless until I spill my guts, only to determine I'm whacked out of my mind, and leave me here to eat 7 meals a day. I'd much rather that than a seven-month journey with the dragon as my prize. God... I hope they just beat the stuffing out of me.
"It would seem quite obvious to me what needs to be done."
"No."
"Thorin, you must think about-"
"No, Gandalf. Just... no."
"What other choice do we have, Master dwarf? Hm? She knows too much to leave things as they are. How she even came by the knowledge is a mystery in itself. Have you spoken of the quest to anyone outside you're kin?"
"You know I would not."
"Then... ?"
"..."
"Would you prefer to torture the girl until she offers what information she holds? I tell you this, I will have no part in that, and would like to think you wouldn't either."
"Of course not."
"Well then? What choice do we have but to take her with us? Master Dwalin has already attested that her biggest threat is only her mouth."
Roughly dragging my fingers through my hair, I settle my expression on blank disinterest despite feeling the opposite. The feisty redhead knows something, too much, about this quest to just ignore her. Even more over, she clearly has a vendetta against Dwalin for the eradication of her pet wolf's life. Even if I could bring myself to harm the young woman, failed spy or not, keeping her quiet after the matter would require permanent measures that I am not even willing to consider.
Yet, to take her with us? Her team would surely follow, as only a fool would send this defenseless child on such a mission without support. Despite her fire, it is apparent that she has no training in weaponry or hand to hand combat. Perhaps... Perhaps her presence here could bring her companions close enough to reveal themselves while attempting to free or make contact with her. It will be difficult to remain hidden once we reach the Chetwood and even more so after we pass the Weathertop hills... She would not be with us long...
It will also give us time to slowly obtain what information she has while bringing minimal damage to the girl herself. Once she sees what becomes of her hopefully male counterparts, she will be easily persuaded into the position of silent motherhood or perhaps a mute spinster. While not an ideal situation, I cannot afford another group attempting to accept the bounty for my head.
"We will bring her-"
"Oh heeeeeeeeeell no!" the drawn-out cry is followed by a series of loud thumps until the girl in question appears in the hall before us "No way. No how. Nope. Try again!"
"You have left us little choice in-"
"No means no!" Stomping her foot in frustration, I begin to worry for her health as well as her sanity as she turns as bright red as her hair "Do not pass go. Do not collect $200."
"Girl-"
"Do not come on down and spill The Wheel of Fortune! Get it through your head. I'm. Not. Going!"
"Miss, we would not do this if we did not have to." Balin, ever the polite linguist, tries to calm the rapidly panicking girl even if he does not agree with the decision to bring her. Clearly whoever sent the child, did not put enough thought into their choice "If you would-"
"No. Stop. You're not going to smooth talk me into accepting this, Balin..." Sucking in a breath the moment his name leaves her mouth, the useless spy begins shaking her head violently before squinting her eyes and gazing around the room in confusion "I mean... Who are you, nameless one? Who am I? I seem to have suffered memory loss from a blow to the head that I may or may not have received. It's all so blurry! Can I go now?"
"... No."
"Amnesia! Glaucoma! Uh... Um..." Her brow furrows in a way that would almost be comical if my birthright wasn't on the line. Balin attempts to calm her but she continues with her rant "Tuberculosis... or consumption!"
"Lass-"
"Leprosy! Don't you see that spot!? I really think-"
"Silence!" Having heard enough this nonsense, I step up to my newest burden. Gripping the front of her strange tunic, I force her to bend so we stand nose-to-nose "We desire your presence as much as you wish for ours and yet we must all suffer one another for a while longer. Prepare your mind and quiet your tongue for I'll hear nothing more on this distasteful subject! Have I made myself clear?"
I can hear it, the actual grinding of her teeth as she decides her next move. If Mahal were merciful he would not have placed me in such an impossible position, yet I frequent the unlikely path of life more days than not. Like a match being blown out, the grinding stops. With slow deliberate movements, the girl pulls her lips into a grin.
"Really clear. And I hope it's clear that it'll be your funeral whether I go or not." At my own feral grin, she turns her head slightly towards Dwalin "Did you bury my dog?"
"..." the question seems to catch him off guard, but I've never known him to be a dwarf to lie. Something in my gut tells me that he should have "No."
"Hm." ducking her head to hide her face, the girl sighs quietly "Only the first day and already on mistake number two... When I finally get to the ruining your life part, I just want you to know that I'm going to cut off your balls too."
*Son of a she dog.
Atina is NOT happy. Thorin isn't happy. Dwalin isn't happy. Bilbo is still lying next to puke. It's crazy over here.