Chapter 8
True to her word, the girl does not move from the spot that she chose. Master Baggins tries to keep her company well enough but it is clear from the start that she is in no mood for conversation. Her arms are wrapped around her middle tightly and her eyes hold a glossy stare of an unmistakable absence of mind. The most disturbing part is the rocking; It's a gentle swaying back and forth motion that I do not think she is in full control of... An overly sorrowful whimper from my side pulls my eyes from the distant redhead in time to watch my brother flop into a sprawled sitting position. His nose is a malted canvas of painful colors, framed harshly by his two bruised eyes. She truly did a number on him.
"How do you feel, brother?" I need not ask; it's blatantly obvious, but I do so anyway "The bleeding has stopped?
"And started up again when Oin set it to rights. He was none too gentle..." Leaning his head back to give me a clearer view of his injury causes the younger dwarf to almost lose his balance. A half-smile tugs at the corner of my mouth, encouraging my younger brother into one of his own "I thought he'd pull it off completely. I'm still seeing stars."
"A good thing he did not. You look strange enough as is."
"Oi!"
"At least it got you out of your scheduled watch tonight. Maybe you should thank the foot that saved you."
"I would not even if I could... It's attached to a crazy woman who is afraid of me, if you remember." Waiting silently, I look into the night sky. It gives me a clear view of the stars without my eyes completely leaving my brother's form. Kili fiddles with his bracers for a moment longer before giving in with a heavy sigh "I would not have struck her..."
"I know." He nods quickly at my answer but still plucks at the leather surrounding his wrists. Placing a hand on his shoulder, I shake him gently "We all know you would not have laid a hand on her in anger. Though I doubt she'd care to admit it, I'm sure the girl knows it too."
"... Then why? It is I who should be weary of her, so why does she act as if I am some animal that's going to strike her down?"
"I suspect it is because someone already has."
My brother and I leap apart in surprise before breathing a sigh of relief. Dwalin had crept up behind us without our knowing until he'd spoken. Despite being covered in muscle, both of flesh and metal, he has always been able to walk quietly when needed. Though a great trait for a guard, it makes secrecy difficult for others. Following his set gaze, I find him glaring at the still girl, more in displeasure than in anger. Her rocking has subsided but her eyes prove she is yet lost in her own mind. Kili's own gaze darts between the guard and the girl until he hesitantly speaks up.
"You only struck her out of necessity, Master Dwalin. She is more upset about her dog then your strike, fool that she is."
"..." Folding his arms across his chest, the older dwarrow breathes heavily through his nose with a deeply set frown "You are young yet lads, but you will learn that men treat their women folk with much less care than we do ours."
"I... I do not know what you mean."
"For both your sakes and her own... I hope you do not need to."
Shaking his head, the sentinel walks to his pack in order to set up for the night. My brother and I exchange a confused glance, neither of us fully understanding what he meant. I have met few men in my life, but not even a handful of women folk. Even so all of them were more or less respectable. Then again, I'd only ever met them in the presence of my king, so it is expected that they were on their best behavior. Yet... I have heard stories... Stories that I hope are nothing more than to scare wayward dwarflings into bed quicker.
"What do you think he meant by that, Fi?"
"... It is late Kili. Let's just bed down."
LINE
My head whips to the side as the force of the blow threatens to snap my neck. He's angry today. Spitting out the blood that oozes lazily across my tongue, I cough brokenly when he kicks me in the gut. He is really angry today.
"Why is it so hard for you to comply with a simple instruction, huh?!" Stepping on my cheek, he grinds the heel of his boot into my face. He enjoys that... making me feel worse than dirt. The concrete's cold smoothness bites into my skin and I hold on to that feeling... Welcome it "It's very simple. So very. Very. Very. Simple. Are you simple? No! You are just an insubordinate. Pathetic. Little. Flame."
Each word is punctuated with the added weight of his body onto my face until I'm sure either my teeth or my bones with crack under the pressure. I'm glad for the pain as it's something to hold onto when it's just he and I. Annie... I don't know where my twin is. He keeps us apart now but I'm sure she's not dead. I'd feel it if she were... She's Not Dead. I can't even consider my beautiful hound...
"Why are you so stubborn? I could have you happily licking my heels with one threat. Why resist?"
The boot disappears from my face and is replaced by gentle fingers. They probe the blossoming bruise on my cheek and I know this is another personality because he is never gentle.
"Lawrence did a number on you, didn't he dear?"
"... Which one are you?"
"Connie. So you've forgotten me so quickly."
Connie. While not nearly as bad as him, Lawrence, he/she (I'm not sure and never cared to ask) won't help me. Not in the way I need to be helped and that's just as bad in it's own way. I've asked. I've begged. I've cried to all off them... But it never helps. No one ever helps.
"Up now, girlie. You really should give up that pride of yours and save the more literal face. You're so pretty and it's such a little thing that he wants."
"No."
"Girlie-"
"I said NO." I'd never speak this way to him, I'm too afraid of what he would do, but I'm angry to the point of stupidity. I'm angry and I'm tired and I'm scared "I just... I just want to go home. I don't want to do this..."
"... He'll get what he wants either way, girlie." Forcing me to sit between his knees, the current personality begins forcing a comb painfully through my knotted hair. Lawerence is not at all concerned with my hygiene or image but it seems that Connie is "He always gets what he wants, even from us. You should know that already."
The memory melts before my eyes until I become aware of my current reality. My arms are wrapped so tightly around myself that I can hardly breathe. My nails press into my arms and I am sure I'll have Crescent Moon shaped scabs by tomorrow. Judging by the light of the sky, tomorrow will be in about an hour and I haven't slept a wink. Pressing my head into the bark of the tree at my back, I scold myself for having the miniature breakdown. Granted, there were a number of mitigating factors but at the end of the day I have to be the one to control myself. Closing my eyes, I silently groan at the problem.
"There is no use sleeping now. The day is just ripe to begin!" The cheery voice of the wizard does not get me even a tad bit hype but it does serve to pull another groan, this time audible, from me "Perhaps today you will be so kind as to share your name."
"I doubt it."
"Must you be so stubborn?" The words are so similar, so fresh in my memory, that I am half growling at the wizard before I even notice it. When I do, I play it off with a dismissive sniff that isn't fooling anyone "... In your own time then, however know this: No one can help you unless you wish to be helped."
"Wanting to be helped doesn't mean you're going to get any, so you're half right." My stomach rolls and a wave of nausea assails me. Swallowing thickly, I wonder how much longer I've got but I already know. There's not enough time... There never is "No one can help me. Not anymore."
Pulling myself to my feet, I contemplate skipping breakfast but think better of it. I forfeited my dinner to the hobbit and sleep eluded me, meaning that I'm running on fumes. Putting something down my gullet won't fix my problems but I can only hope it won't add to them. Breathing deeply, I grab a slice of bread out of Ori's hand and nibble on it. He, of course, does not protest but I can literally feel the heat of his brothers' gazes on me even as Bilbo approaches.
"Good morning to you."
"The birds are chirping."
"Why yes, I do believe they are."
I chuckle softly at the clear miss, which encourages the Hobbit to sit beside me. His meal is much hardier than mine and though he frowns at the meager bread slice, he does not say anything about it. Instead, we listen to Thorin talk around us. He gives instructions, assignments really, to the company as everyone mounts up and begins down the road so we can spend as little time in Bree as possible.
"As for you two, you will remain with the wizard. Do not run off."
Without waiting for my quick wit to kick in, the company filters into the town. It's not an overly impressive place, what with it's muted earthy colors of varying browns. Men & Hobbits alike pass us in the winding streets but they are all much too absorbed in themselves and their lives to notice me. Though, they do offer the dwarves and wizard weary glances before hurrying on their way.
"Let us gather a few supplies, shall we? You two are hardly prepared for the road ahead." Placing a hand on my shoulder, the wizard guides me into a nearby shop without my consent. The clerk, an elderly woman with a kind face, sits behind the counter "Good morning, Madame Louise."
"Ah! Gandalf! It's been ages. And you've brought friends!"
In a flurry of skirts, the Madame is up and around the barrier. She coos over me in an aunt-ish way and it isn't long before Gandalf abandons me in her care. Not, of course, before giving instructions that she is forbidden to let me out of her sight. She dives right in.
I endure her poking and prodding as she takes my measurements without much fuss because she is merely doing a service that can only help me in the long run. My clothes, while familiar and preferable, are not meant to be worn long-term or distances. Once we have chosen and fitted two outfits, undergarments included, the Madame is kind enough to give me a bag free of charge to pack my things in. She even throws in a handkerchief.
"You'll be needing a bedroll and a canteen as well but I'm sure the wizard will gather those things for you. Have you any feminine products?" The question, while logical, surprises a blush onto my face at its suddenness. She pats my leg gently with the small laugh as I shake my head no "No worries, darling. I'll pack you a few-"
"You don't have to... I don't... I mean..." Rubbing my hands against my jeans, I wonder why I'm bothering to even explain myself to the stranger but I know already. Her kindness, even paid for, makes me feel so much more comfortable with her then the dwarves or even Bilbo "I don't bleed anymore. I'm... sick."
"Goodness, is it serious?"
"When last I checked... I had a few months short of a year. I'm trying not to keep count."
"Oh dear! Should you not be with your family? Are they still... living?" I duck my head and let that stand as my answer, as it'd be too complicated to explain "Oh, child..."
"I'm here with the wizard and dwarves and a hobbit. I don't want this... any of this, but it seems like a higher power has given me little choice in the matter."
Madame Louise says nothing for a long time and I think the silence sums up every answer I've come up with since I arrived in this world. A heavy sigh escapes her and the once cheery woman suddenly looks 20 years older. Pulling my hands into her own, she runs her fingers across my knuckles.
"The longer you live, the more you will find yourself forced into doing things that you do not want to. That is the way of the world. Some things will work out for the best and others will tear you up inside until your soul flees its cage." lifting her hand to my cheek, she sighs again and I close my eyes to pretend. I opened up because with Madame Louise I can pretend... She's so much like my Annie that I want to cry... "It is up to each of us to make the best of our circumstances so that we overcome them rather than fall beneath their weight."
"..."
"I do not know your story. Quite frankly, I don't even know your name... But it is plain to see that you carry a burden heavy enough to cause a mountain to bend. Speak with your friends if your family is not near but do not carry it alone."
"Ha... I have no friends."
"Well then, my dear" Gandalf bends into the doorway with a dangerous smile on his face "it is high time that you made some."