"No, sir, we are not pooling our salaries to commission a statue of you riding a horse for the office!" Moxxie told Blitz angrily, shutting down his boss's proposal.
The whole company was in the meeting room, with them discussing Blitz's most recent proposal. Or more accurately, describing why it was a horrible idea.
"Considering out meager salaries, we can't just start blowing money on any pointless decorations." Benedict chimed in, earning him Blitz's ire.
"Hey! It's incredibly useful! Which one of you dimwits said it was pointless?!" Blitz claimed, causing all of his employees to raise their hands.
"You too, Loony?! How could you!" Blitz says, feeling betrayed.
"I already have to look at your ugly mug enough." Loona justifies, causing Blitz to clutch his chest dramatically and gasp.
Just then, something breaks down the door. The company looks over to see a man in a floating black cloak, his figure shrouded in shadow, seemingly emanating darkness around it. Benedict felt a cold, chilling sensation as he looked at the person.
Of course, not even Lucifer himself could get in the way of Blitz and a client, so Blitz immediately vaulted over the table and stuck his hand out to the figure. "Hi, my name is Blitz, the o is silent, and welcome to I.M.P! Who ya' want offed?".
The figure shook his hand. "Glad to meet you, Blitz. I have many names. The Reaper, Thanatos, Taco Bell, but you may simply call me Death." He spoke in a surprisingly high pitched and squeaky voice. He snapped his bony fingers, removing the shadow around him and revealing his face, causing Millie to make a long drawn out gasp.
For you see, his face was...
. . . Absolutely adorable. It was a cute, cartoony skull, with two big black holes where his eyes should be, and his lower jaw missing, only having his upper teeth, of which there were three and they were very over sized. It also helped that he was relatively small in size, around the size of a large dog.
Millie couldn't contain her excitement and let out a loud squeal before rushing over to cuddle Death. "Aww, aren't you just the cutest little thing? Yes, you are!" she cooed, speaking in the same tone one would use with a pet.
"Get off me, woman!" Death yelled, shoving her off.
Undeterred, Millie turned to Moxxie and pleaded. "Can we keep him, honey? Please? He's so cute!" She dropped to her knees, giving Moxxie her best puppy-dog eyes.
"Hey! I'm not cute!" Death yelled angrily, causing Millie to try and start cuddling him again.
"He's so cute when he's mad!" She said, enraging the embodiment of death, so much that he angrily grabbed the side of her head, causing her eyes to turn black.
"No, no, NO!" She muttered incoherently, falling to the ground and rocking back and forth. "NOT THE PUPPIES!" She yelled in a panic, prompting Moxxie to run over to her side to comfort her.
"What did you do?!" He asked Death, who shrugged.
"Oh, just showed her some of the most horrible atrocities I've ever seen." He responded nonchalantly. "It'll wear off in a couple minutes."
"What did you show her, Moxxies dick size?" Loona commented snidely, annoying Moxxie and causing Benedict to raise an eyebrow.
"I'm sure she's very well acquainted with it." Benedict told her, before turning to Death. "Well now I'm curious." He grabbed Deaths hand and held it to the side of his head, his eyes turning black as well.
"Ohh... That's, uhmm... huh." Benedict was sweating slightly and gulped. "Very... Interesting." He pulled the hand off, eyes returning to normal, though he still looked quite nervous.
"Oh, come on Benny, you little bitch baby, it can't be that bad." Blitz taunted him, grabbing Deaths hand and putting it to the side of his head while he grumbled something about ruined manicures.
Blitz sat there silently for a few moments, before eventually piping up.
"That's kinda hot." He said, earning him a look of disgust from Benedict, Death, and even Millie, who was snapped out of her stupor by his sheer lunacy.
Death pulled his hand away quickly, pulling out a bottle of hand sanitizer. "Right." He started as he cleaned his hands as thoroughly as possible. "As... entertaining, as this had been, I'm still here on business." He put the sanitizer away. "I've a man I need... How did you say it... offed."
"Alrighty, name your target, and we'll off him any way you want. Heck, we even killed a guy by shoving a whole ass table up his ass. Hilarious." Blitz prattled on, making Moxxie groan as he remembered that endeavor.
"He's joking, right?" Death asked the room at large, disturbed by the man in front of him, and it is quite difficult to disturb Death.
"Sadly not. I remember it specifically because he forced me and Millie to watch." Moxxie complained.
"Oh, come on Mox, it wasn't that bad. Besides, it gave us some inspiration for the bedroom that night." Millie, who was now on her feet again, said cheerfully, causing Moxxie to become flustered.
"That's very inappropriate, Millie, especially when we have a client around! Tell me about it later!" Blitz told her off, before turning back to Death. "Now who do ya' want fucked?" He got another look of disgust from the room. "Over. I meant fucked over. What kind of pervert do you take me for?"
Death coughed slightly, getting everyone's attention. "The man I need killed is named Thomas Virgil. He has successfully created an immortality serum, which, as you can imagine, would be a real pain in my pelvis." He explained.
"Wait, why can't you do it?" Moxxie asked, earning him a glare from Benedict.
"Well, good ol' Lucifers had me busy with managing Hells taxes after that guy- What was his name- Bendy Frank, suggested that Death and taxes went well together." A look of annoyance crossed Deaths face. "Really doesn't leave any time for surface work."
"So you need us to kill him before he makes everyone immortal." Benedict finished, getting a nod from Death.
"You'll find him at a convention in D.C, where he's showing off the product." Death supplied.
"Great, let's go fuck (up) some bitches!" Blitz yelled, confusing Death again.
"We haven't even arranged payment yet." Death pointed out as Blitz grabbed the book from Loona and opens a portal in the middle of the floor.
"Pay us money!" Blitz yells, before jumping in the portal, soon followed by Moxxie and Millie, then Benedict, who sighed at his boss's attitude.
"How are these people still in business?" Death asked Loona, genuinely confused.
"I have no idea." She responded, idly scrolling through her phone.
"What the hell is wrong with these people..." Death muttered to himself as he disappeared in a puff of black smoke.
Loona stuck her feet on the table, evidently ready to slack off for the rest of the day, until the company rotary phone decided to ring. With a growl, she snatched it up. "FUCK OFF!" She yelled into it, before slamming it back into the holder aggressively, breaking the phone holder in half.
. . .
The group dropped from the portal, right at the doors of the convention, almost scaring the pants off of the security guard, who quickly pulled out his pistol. "What the hell are you?!" He asked, panicked.
"We're just imp assassins sent to murder Dr. Virgil." Benedict told him directly, calming him down and causing him to lower his gun.
"Oh thank god, I thought you were furries. Please, come right on in." He opened the door, letting them into the bustling science convention. It was very white and clean, with large skylights letting in light from above. Taking a brief glance around, several different exhibits could be seen, including a nuclear fusion prototype, a plasma gun, and a... baking soda volcano. Even professional conventions cannot escape baking soda volcanoes.
"Oh my god." Blitz exclaimed, shocked by the sight of the many lab coated people walking through the convention. "I've never seen so many virgins in one place in my whole life." This got a slight snicker from Millie and a sigh from Moxxie.
"Sir, we're here to kill Virgil, not make fun of the convention goers." Moxxie said, with Blitz waving him off.
"Making fun of people's half the job!" He explained, before Benedict grabbed their attention again with a cough.
"Back on topic, this is our target. Thomas Virgil." He pulled out a black and white, vintage Polaroid, showing a man in his late 40's with black hair and a full beard, in a lab coat.
Blitz squinted at the photo. "Why the fuck is it in black and white?" He asked.
Benedict sighed. "The same reason you have me do paperwork on a typewriter. Budget cuts." He paused for a second. "At least that's why I assume you're having me use a typewriter. And you're lucky I even know how to."
Benedict got himself back on topic. "Anyway, we ought to split up and look for this guy. Millie, I'm going to need you to- Millie?" He looked around, only to see her fawning over one of the exhibits.
"Millie!" Moxxie shouted, running off after her.
"Well, I guess it's just you and me, Blit- Oh god dammit!" Benedict exclaimed, seeing Blitz stuffing his pockets with various pens and free merchandise from the various vendors.
"What? It's free!" He yelled in his defense, only to get distracted by a food cart rolling by. "Ooh! Pretzels!" He ran off after it did a swan dive into the cart, smashing it and scattering pretzels everywhere, and also spooking the living hell out of the driver.
"Alright, guess I'm taking this one solo." Benedict muttered to himself as he walked into the crowd, wanting to get this over with as soon as possible.
As Benedict walked through the aisles, he noticed several, very interesting exhibits, such as a Jesus machine that could turn water into wine, a robot arm that always made a perfect sandwich, and a laser gun made specifically for cutting pizza.
Eventually, he found what he was looking for, in the form of a large sign, which read "The Immortality Serum (Bubblegum Flavor!), Demonstration Live!"
He started strolling towards the set of double doors underneath the sign, but was stopped by a security guard before he could go any farther. "Excuse me, sir, I'm gonna need some ID." He said. As Benedict took in breath to say some kind of clever lie, Blitz blurted out from behind him.
"Don't worry, he's with me!" He yelled through a mouthful of pretzel, causing the security guard to raise an eyebrow, as Benedict looked at Blitz with a bewildered expression. He also wore a t-shirt that said "I went to a science convention and all I got was this shitty t-shirt.", and also was holding an obscene amount of pretzels.
"I have never met this man in my life." Benedict hurriedly covered.
"And do you have an ID, sir?" The security guard asked with extreme skepticism.
"No, and that ain't gonna stop me!" Blitz yelled, attempting to run past the guard, who easily scooped him up as he ran into him and threw him to two other guards, who dragged him away as he yelled about the pretzels he'd dropped.
"Sorry about that." The guard apologized, but Benedict hurriedly waved him off.
"No need. Anyway, I'm with the Old York times. I'm reporting on Dr. Virgil's work." The guard waved him through and he walked into the room. It was a large, mostly open room, with a very clean aesthetic, with several rows of seats, rafters above that held up the lights, and a large stage set against the back wall, with the man himself, Virgil, on it, giving a presentation.
. . .
Back in the office, Loona was dealing with a furious client who had been on the receiving end of some less than professional behavior by I.M.P.
"I demand to speak with your supervisor!" He yelled, causing Loona to roll her eyes. He was a fairly portly sinner, wearing suspenders and a white shirt.
"You're talking to her." She said bluntly, causing the man to sputter in disbelief.
"Well, I want a full refund! Your team didn't do anything about my problem!" He complained, causing Loona to raise an eyebrow.
"And what was your problem exactly?" She asked him.
"My wife! She's a demon in the sack! I can't keep up!"
"I don't think that's our area of expertise, sir." Loona deadpanned, causing the man to storm out in a huff.
. . .
Back to the Convention, Benedict walked into the room, scanning around for any threats.
"Excuse me, Doctor Virgil!" A reporter called out. Virgil signaled for them to continue. "Why is it bubblegum flavored?"
Virgil sighed. "I had to appease corporate somehow." He explained, causing his audience to murmur to each other in understanding.
Benedict walked down the rows of the room, which had very good acoustics, and he could hear everything Virgil was saying. He noticed several different people scattered about the seats, in far too professional attire to be there for the science. He realized they were bodyguards, and quickly got to work dispatching them.
The first one he did in by simply strangling them from behind with his hands. The second he hung from above with his tail and stabbed him, hiding the body in the rafters. Third one he dove down onto and chopped with his hatchet, somehow not getting anybody's attention. Fourth, he stuffed a shoe he looted from the last guy down his throat, and for the fifth, he gave him a poisoned cup of water, which he politely accepted, being parched, before keeling over.
Then He noticed something strange in the row of seats farthest from the stage - Death was there, watching the presentation with a bored expression. Benedict quickly made his way over to him. "What are you doing here?" He whispered, not wanting to draw unnecessary attention.
"I wanted to make sure you all were doing your job." Death replied, still looking incredibly unimpressed. "But also, I heard they were giving out free pretzel samples." He added, causing Benedict to shake his head.
"Well, you missed your chance. I'm pretty sure Blitz got their whole supply before being taken out by security." Benedict informed him, causing Death to sigh.
"That sounds about right." He muttered. "Well, I need to go collect the soul of a rock star that really should've given up on making music in the 80's. See ya." Death said, before disappearing in a puff of smoke, probably giving Benedict lung cancer in the process, as he coughed on the black smog.
Ignoring the long term respiratory issues he was likely to face, Benedict shook his head and got back to work, climbing through the rafters above the stage, where Dr. Virgil was still prattling on about his serum. Silently, Benedict jumped down, landing behind the scientist and raising his hatchet above his head, with the clear intent of homicide.
Then, out of nowhere, Blitz burst through the back wall of the room, covered in bits of pretzel and looking like a maniac, which to be fair, he was. He quickly ran over and picked up a pretzel.
"Sorry folks, I was just chasing a pretzel. And we all know how important pretzels are." He explained, before jamming the pretzel in his mouth and turning to Virgil. "Just the man I wanted to see, Dr. Virgin!" He loudly proclaimed.
"It's Virgil." The doctor in question pointed out, annoyed.
"Blitz, what the fuck are you doing?!" Benedict asked him angrily, his cover blown by the pretzel covered imp before him.
"Come on, we all know you're a virgin." Blitz told Virgil, completely ignoring Benedict. "Anyways, I have to congratulate you on your serum, it's truly genius. Think of all the kinky shit we can do without dying now!" He exclaimed.
"That's not it's intended purpo-"
Just then, Moxxie and Millie burst through the door, the latter holding a ridiculous amount of merchandise from various exhibits.
"Dr. Virgil! Have you considered the social and societal implications of the serum?" Moxxie bellowed out, confusing the doctor, and causing the crowd to become even more chaotic.
"Why area you asking me this? Aren't you here to kill me?" Virgil asked exasperatedly.
Millie looked at Moxxie confused. "We are?" She asked earnestly.
"Yo- You're only now just realizing that? That's the whole reason we came here!" Benedict exclaimed angrily.
"Oh god, you're the tax collectors, aren't you?!" Virgil yelled in a panic, before booking it for the backstage exit, which was right next to the hole Blitz punched in the wall.
"After him!" Benedict yelled, running in pursuit of the man.
The group ran off after the doctor, running through rows of exhibits and presentations, with Blitz snagging as much free merchandise and samples as he could on the way.
Benedict sprinted towards Virgil, only to see Blitz to his left, riding a pretzel cart, that Moxxie was pushing, standing on top with an overly dramatic pose as he rolled towards Virgil.
"Blitz, what the hell are you doing?!" Benedict yelled as he vaulted over a collapsed stand.
"Chasing the target!" He yelled, snatching up a hotdog from a nearby stand and jamming in his mouth.
"Sir, I'm getting kind of tired." Moxxie panted out, as his wife ran behind him, still carrying the absurd amount of merchandise.
"Ah, suck it up, Moxxie. Besides, cardio helps build sexual stamina, I'm doing you a favor." Blitz responded nonchalantly.
"That's not even- never mind, just catch him!" Benedict yelled, getting more and more frustrated with the immaturity of his colleagues.
Eventually, they reached a sharp corner, causing the two to crash into the wall, scattering pretzels everywhere.
This did provide the distraction needed for Benedict to slide in front of Virgil, pulling out his pistol and pointing it at him. "End of the line, doc!" He exclaimed, trying to sound cool. "Not very good. Really need to work on my one-liners." He muttered to himself.
Just as he was about to shoot, Moxxie yelled from the wreckage. "Wait! We need proper paperwork and licenses to kill a doctor!" He objected, climbing out of the mess.
"Hey, come on Mox! I always carry my NRA-issued Doctor Murder paperwork!" Blitz, who had popped out of the wreckage a moment before, started searching through his pockets, earning him an eye-roll from Benedict.
"How'd you get those?" Millie asked, confused about how her less than legal boss could obtain legal documents.
"I forged it!" He yelled, procuring the paperwork, which Moxxie quickly seized.
"Sir, this is not paperwork, it's just a piece of paper that says 'I can do whatever the fuck I want' on it in crappy handwriting."
"Eh, potato, poh-ta-to." Blitz waved his employee off. "Besides, we need to kill the dude anyway, can't have him turn the world into one big twilight book."
"Now, any last words, doctor?" Benedict asked, wanting to get this over with.
"You'll never take me alive!" Virgil yelled, and pulled a flask of vinegar out of his pocket, pouring it over himself, then collapsing on the ground, creating a miniature eruption of baking soda.
Blitz stared at the spectacle, highly confused. "What the actual hell just happened?" he asked, bewildered.
Benedict shot the corpse a couple times, just to be sure, before turning to the others. "He's certainly dead, let's get out of here before security shows up."
Blitz hit a button on his phone, presumably to message Loona to open a portal back to the office. Sure enough, a moment later, a portal opened directly beneath their feet, dumping them directly into the office, with Moxxie having face planted as a result of the sudden transition.
They were met with an unexpected sight, however: Death was waiting for them, tapping his bony foot impatiently. "Well, it's about time you all got back. I've been waiting here for ages."
"Sorry about that." Benedict replied sheepishly. "We had a little...incident...at the convention."
Death raised an eyebrow, or whatever the skeletal equivalent to one was. "Do I even want to know?"
Blitz quickly jumped in before anyone else could respond. "Don't worry about it, it was fine, now GIMME MY MONEY!" He leapt towards death with a greedy expression, who quickly threw a small bag at him, which was presumably full of souls, the currency of Hell, knocking Blitz out of the air mid leap.
"Here's your money, you lunatics, and never contact me again." He warned them, before teleporting away, setting off the smoke alarm in the room.
The Next Day. . .
"Goddammit, Blitz!" Benedict yelled, walking into the I.M.P office and throwing his coffee to the ground in a fit upon seeing his bosses newest choice in decoration.
"Look, we had lots of money left over from the death job-" Blitz explained, trying to justify his actions.
"You had one fucking job!" Benedict yelled at him. "Don't buy the horse statue! And what do you do? Buy the horse statue!"
A/N: So! The first completely custom chapter. I actually edited this one on June 20th 2023, as I wasn't too happy with it. I'm still not too happy with it, but I think it's alright. Also, I only currently have Ideas for about 2-3 more of these, with the latter one to two focusing on Benedict, so any ideas or feedback is appreciated. The custom episodes will probably be spaced out quite a bit, but they will still exist.