The gray van cruised down the street as Blitzo and his crew listened to the music playing on the radio. Blitzo, sitting in the driver's seat, sang along poorly to the song "Mustang Dong."
"I love this song!" Blitzo exclaimed, his voice filled with enthusiasm. He attempted to sing along, but his singing was far from perfect. "You were a spicy little- uh- Demon with the- uh- bleach blonde haaaair!"
Sitting beside Blitzo in the passenger seat, Loona looked mildly annoyed by his singing. Meanwhile, Moxxie covered his non-existent ears in the backseat, Millie rolled down her window, smiling, and Benedict sat in between the two, reading a book.
"Fieeendin' for that semen when I caught your stare…" Blitzo continued singing as they drove into a crowded parking lot.
"Thought it might be love, but you went-" Blitzo sang before abruptly stopping as a pink car pulled into the remaining parking space.
"Oh, shit! Fu-" He slammed on the brakes, causing the van to skid to a stop. Blitzo turned off the radio and glared at the person in the pink car, noticing the license plate that read "SUCKS-4-LIFE."
"Oh, you 'suck for life,' do ya?!" Quickly, Blitzo grabbed a megaphone and yelled into it. "Listen up, you unoriginal pink cum dump! You have three goddamn seconds to get your tits out of my parking spot!"
The passenger of the pink car stepped out, wearing high heels. Blitzo lowered the megaphone, his expression turning to shock.
"Oh, shit! Verosika!" Blitzo exclaimed.
Verosika was a tall, pink skinned succubus, wearing a skimpy black dress, with a large fur coat loosely worn over it, and had long pink hair, with sunglasses that had a heart shaped design on the lenses.
Verosika blew a bubble of pink gum before it popped. "Blitz-o," she replied, her voice filled with amusement.
"I should have known you'd be here. I could smell fish for miles, which is odd because I believe the nearest ocean is-" Blitzo fell out of the window of the car, faceplanting onto the ground. "three rings down!" He finished, quickly standing up again.
"And I should have known you'd be here when I heard the Amber Alerts." Verosika retorted.
"Oh, yeah? I'm surprised they let your fat ass outta rehab. I can see you're still a drunken whore, clutching onto that Beelzejuice bottle like it's the last cock in Hell!" Blitzo yelled back.
Verosika dramatically flipped her long hair back. "They let me out because I'm still famous. And rehab is for sad, loser wash-ups." She replied, taking a drink from her bottle. "So your sister says hi."
Blitzo stepped in front of Verosika, his anger evident. "Why are you parking here?! This is the ONLY parking spot my company has! So take your tampon race car somewhere else!"
"Actually, prick. It has my name on it," Verosika said, pointing down to her name written in purple spray paint on the ground. The letters "I.M.P" were crossed out.
Of course, this is when Benedict, strolled out of the car, annoyed. "Alright, who do I have to shoot to get our parking space back?" He asked annoyed, before grimacing as he realized who he was addressing. "Miss Verosika." He acknowledged.
Benedict's arrival caught Verosika's attention, and she looked at him with a smirk. "Well, well, if it isn't my favorite sourpuss bodyguard. Still desperate for a taste of this, huh?" She taunted, winking at him suggestively.
"I never was, nor will I ever be." Benedict deadpanned.
Verosika smirked. "Well, your 'little friend' down there seems to be giving you away. Or is that just a gun in your pocket?" She teased, pointing at Benedicts crotch, which seemed to have something stiff in it.
"How very astute of you." Benedict sarcastically remarked, before reaching into his pants and pulling out an actual semi auto pistol, surprising Verosika. "Now get the hell out of my parking spot before I shoot you. What the hell are you even doing here anyway?"
She quickly pulled herself back together. "I'm doing a bit of freelance for one of the infinitely more successful companies in the building." She announced, her sunglasses reflecting the sunlight.
Loona, watching from the van, couldn't believe her eyes. "No way..." she murmured.
"They wanted to have me come in this week to lead their team during spring break." Verosika continued, removing her sunglasses.
"A WEEK?!" Blitzo exclaimed, his frustration evident. "No, no, you are NOT parking here for a fuckin' week!"
Verosika smirked, mocking Blitzo. "Awww, you mad, Blitz-o? You gonna run off, leaving someone else to pay for the hotel room, steal their car and..."
"Run three rings to Wrath and max MY credit cards on shitty horse riding lessons?!" Verosika and Blitzo both said in unison.
"Goddamn it, whore, you will NOT let that go!" Blitzo retorted.
"She really won't. I had to listen to her complain about it at least three times." Benedict sourly remarked.
Verosika gave Blitzo a challenging glare. "Choke on a sandpaper cock."
With a flip of her middle finger, Verosika walked away, leaving Loona cowering in the van. Blitzo, unable to let it slide, followed her, determined to confront her.
"HOLD ON!" Blitzo shouted, catching up to Verosika. "You better move that pussy wagon right now, or I'm gonna..."
But before Blitzo could finish his threat, a towering muscular Hellhound with black fur appeared behind him, growling menacingly. Fear washed over Blitzo's face as he stuttered, "Or I'll... uh... uh, I'll call HR!"
In an unexpected turn of events, Verosika, Blitzo, and the Hellhound burst into laughter, their tension diffusing as if they were part of a sitcom. Benedict chuckled nervously, not quite sure what was going on. "Are we shooting her or not?" He asked aloud, but was ignored.
"Anyway, meet my new Hellhound, Vortex. Unlike you, Benedict, he actually does his job well." Verosika bragged, introducing her bodyguard to the group.
"I did my job fine, I was simply hindered by your constant sexual advances. Truth be told, my replacement seems to be more brawn than brain." Benedict turned to Vortex. "Tell me, What intricate mechanisms orchestrate the choreography of cellular proliferation during the enigmatic process of mitosis?" He asked him, clearly expecting him to not know the answer.
"The multifaceted interplay of regulatory factors, including cyclins, cyclin-dependent kinases, or CDKs, and checkpoints governed by the tumor suppressor protein p53, converge in a meticulously synchronized symphony of signal transduction cascades, culminating in the faithful duplication and equitable distribution of genetic material between daughter cells." Vortex stated factually, earning him a look of confusion from Benedict. "Bitches love cell division." He explained.
"Anyway, if you want to ditch this loser, call me, Benny, and we can have some real fun." Verosika blew a kiss at Benedict, only deepening his scowl, before throwing a calling card to him, which he caught.
She glanced over her shoulder and flipped Blitzo off as she left.
"Ta-ta, fuck stain." Verosika added, looking back at Blitzo before departing.
Blitzo sighed in frustration. "I wasted so much time with a bag of holes like that." He muttered.
"For once, I agree with you, sir." Benedict stated, pulling out a lighter and burning the card he'd been given.
Loona kicked open the van door and stepped out. "You two know Verosika Mayday?!" She exclaimed.
Blitzo seemed momentarily caught off guard. "Huh...? Oh, yeah. Her, yeah. We dated."
"I had the misfortune of working for her." Benedict remarked sourly, dusting the ashes off his hands.
Blitzo glanced at Benedict, his curiosity piqued. "Alright, Benedict, spill the beans. What's the story behind you and Verosika?"
Benedict let out a deep sigh, clearly not thrilled to relive those memories. "It's not a story worth telling. Verosika hired me as her bodyguard a while back, and let's just say her advances became... persistent and unwanted. I quickly quit because I couldn't stand her constant harassment."
Blitzo's smirk grew wider. "Oh, come on, Benedict! You can't leave it at that. There must be some juicy details. You had to have fucked her at least once!"
Benedict crossed his arms, his grumpy expression deepening. "There's nothing juicy about it. Verosika is just an insufferable succubus who couldn't take 'no' for an answer. And of course I didn't sleep with her. I have standards, thank you."
Loona raised an eyebrow, confused. "So, you never fucked her at all? Not even once?"
Benedict sighed again. "I have no interest in romantic entanglements, especially not with an idiot like her. I do my job, and that's all." He turned to the rest of the group. "Can we please get back on topic?" He asked, incredibly annoyed.
Blitzo sighed. "Fine then. Keep your secrets. Millie, you find a spot for the van." He threw Millie the keys, before turning to the rest of the group. "Okay, Loonie, Moxxie, Benny, lets go handle this shit."
...
The elevator door opened, revealing Loona, Moxxie, Benedict and Blitzo exiting an elevator. Loona, her steps filled with nervousness, proceeded cautiously.
"Do you think they saw me? Fuck! I did my makeup poorly today!" Loona exclaimed in frustration.
Blitzo, his eyes sparkling with admiration, smiled at her. "Oh, you look perfect, Loonie! Like always~"
Loona narrowed her eyes and scowled. "Shut UP, da—"
Blitzo's face beamed with adoration, but Loona caught herself just before referring to him as "dad" and quickly pushed him aside. "Urgh! Blitzo!"
Loona hastily examined her appearance in a handheld mirror, stepping over Blitzo in her haste and accidentally colliding with Vortex. Embarrassed, she looked up at Vortex, her face flushed.
"Oof! Oh... Woah..." Loona stammered.
Vortex glanced down at Loona, and she blushed, wagging her tail. Blitzo, noticing the interaction, smiled at Loona before gasping in shock. He swiftly positioned himself between Loona and Vortex, his arms extended protectively.
"Hiiii, big man. Where's your bitch bag of an employer?" Blitzo inquired, his tone laced with sarcasm.
Vortex gestured towards a nearby room adorned with neon pink hearts over double doors. "She's in her office. There wasn't enough space on the second floor, so they rented one here on this floor. It's cheaper."
"I suppose that makes sense." Benedict remarked, though his words were laced with annoyance.
Blitzo groaned in frustration. "Oh, COME ON!"
Vortex scoffed apologetically. "Sorry, man."
Vortex then walked away, prompting Blitzo to mutter under his breath, "Oh, no you don't, bitch."
Moxxie, interjecting with a suggestion, spoke to Blitzo. "Sir... how about you let me go in and try to reason with her? I don't really listen to what's classified as 'pop genre' music, so her status to me is merely name recognition..."
"Moxxie, while I'm sure you mean well, I highly doubt she'll listen to reason." Benedict points out, interrupting Moxxie and stopping his rant. "I have a better plan." He pulled out his pistol and cocked it. "And it's chambered in nine millimeter." He paused for a second. "That was pretty good. I've got to write that one down." He muttered to himself.
Blitzo hastily reached out and grabbed Benedict's hand, lowering the gun. "Hold on, Benny! We can't just shoot her! As much as I'd love to see that whore get what she deserves, I can't make fun of her if she's dead."
Benedict scowled, his finger still on the trigger. "Blitz, she's been nothing but trouble, and we're wasting our time dealing with her. A bullet between her eyes would solve everything."
"No, we're going to solve this diplomatically." Blitzo grinned maniacally. "And I'm an expert at diplomacy."
"This is going to go horribly wrong." Moxxie guessed as Blitz strolled towards the doors.
Blitzo kicked the doors open, grabbing the attention of Verosika and her posse, who were with her in the somewhat decrepit room. "ALRIGHT BITCHES!" He yells angrily.
"Diplomacy, huh?" Benedict sarcastically remarks, joining Blitzo in the room.
"I challenge you to a fuckin'… challenge!" Blitz ignored Benedict entirely. "Fuck, I said that twice." He said to himself afterward.
Kiki, one of Verosika's associates, voiced her curiosity. "Mmmm... Is this imp boy starting a demon duel?"
Verosika chuckled, leaning in closer to Blitzo. "I think he is! What's the game then, Blitz-o?"
Blitzo, filled with determination, revealed his proposition. "Every year, you STD spreaders go topside for easy pickin's while spring break is a prime time for all kinds of crime! So, I bet... you succu-bitches can't fuck as many people as we can before the day ends."
The succubi laughed initially, but their laughter subsided when they noticed Blitzo's unwavering gaze. Verosika, her voice laced with intrigue, responded, "Oh, you're serious?"
Leaning in closer to Blitzo's face, Verosika whispered menacingly, "Game on... bitch."
. . .
Later at I.M.P Headquarters, the atmosphere was charged with anticipation. Blitzo stood confidently in front of a whiteboard, his back facing an easel adorned with several poorly drawn illustrations. Sitting attentively at a nearby table were the other members of I.M.P, ready to hear Blitzo's plan.
"Alright, shut your assholes!" Blitzo commanded, capturing everyone's attention. "Here's how we're gonna do this shit! First, we find a fuck ton of clients."
The animated drawings on the paper came to life, depicting Blitzo, Loona, Benedict, Millie, and Moxxie standing together, surrounded by a horde of imps and clients holding bags of money.
"We portal up." Blitzo continued, snapping his fingers, causing the I.M.P figures to fall down.
"We have our fun murder time as per usual." He declared with a wicked grin.
The drawings shifted, showing the I.M.P members eliminating human drawings with guns.
"Then," Blitzo went on, his voice dripping with mischief, "we pile all the bodies into a big fuckin' canoe."
The illustrations displayed the human bodies being tossed unceremoniously into a canoe labeled "S.S. Cum Gutter."
"We push said canoe into some water." Blitzo explained, his drawing kicking the canoe away from the dock.
"We light it on fire to attract the sharks and eagles 'n shit. Maybe a goose, too! Fuck it!" The animated drawings showcased sharks, snakes, eagles, and various creatures devouring the bodies engulfed in flames. The scene reached its climax as a colossal octopus chomped the entire ship, along with the animals.
"They come and eat the bodies, we win the bet!" Blitzo declared triumphantly.
The I.M.P drawings erupted in cheers, and Loona even wore a party hat to celebrate their impending victory.
"We rub it in that sloppy bitch's drunken whore-ass face." Blitzo added, his contempt evident as the drawn I.M.P members defiantly gave a Verosika drawing several middle fingers. The Verosika drawing, unable to withstand the ridicule, burst into tears.
Returning to the present, Blitzo addressed his team. "Do you have any questions?" he asked, punctuating his words by throwing a pointer stick through a nearby window.
Moxxie, ever the voice of reason, spoke up, "Uh, yeah. Why was that nonsense?"
Blitzo walked over to Moxxie, placing a hand around his shoulder. "That wasn't a question." he replied nonchalantly.
Moxxie, now slightly exasperated, retorted, "That wasn't a plan."
Blitzo tightened his grip on Moxxie's shoulder. "I'm sorry, but that was a flawless presentation of what we should do, Mox," he said condescendingly. "It's not my fault you got a smooth little brain upstairs."
Moxxie, taken aback, asked, "A what now?"
"I'm calling you slow, Moxxie," Blitzo clarified, his frustration evident. "God, why don't you learn to take criticism, you talentless baby-dicked troll?!" Blitzo prodded Moxxie's chest with his finger for emphasis.
In a fit of anger, Moxxie climbed onto the table, ready to defend himself. "Well, why don't you take an art class?" he retorted, pointing at Blitzo.
Blitzo swiftly grabbed Moxxie and forcefully threw him back into his chair. "Why don't you see how EXPENSIVE they are?!" he snapped back.
"Why don't we just off Verosika and call it a day?" Benedict pointed out. "Besides, nothing of value would be lost. Her music's ove-" Blitzo quickly slammed his hand over Benedicts mouth.
"Trust me, you do NOT want to say that out loud." Blitzo advised, before his hand was shoved off by Benedicts.
"Overrated anyways." Benedict finished. Suddenly, his phone chimed, indicating a Voxtigram notification.
"Told you so." Blitzo bragged as Benedicts phone chimed more and more.
"I don't even have Voxtogram!" Benedict exclaimed in confusion, poking at his phone, trying to get it to be quiet.
"Hey, is their any way I can come with you guys this time?" Loona interrupted, as Benedict managed to get his phone to shut up.
Blitzo's face twisted with disapproval as he quickly shut down her plea. "Absolutely not, I forbid it. Not gonna happen. Sorry, sweetie. Spring break is no place for young, vulnerable goth girls. You know the kind of FREAKS up there who'd drool all over you!"
Blitzo, Moxxie, Millie and Loona then proceeded to angrily glare at one of the walls of the room, much to Benedicts confusion. "Did I miss a company memo or something?" He asked aloud, though was ignored, as per usual.
Refusing to give up, Loona's voice quivered with determination. "Well, I... I can blend in with humans easy enough. Just let me tag along."
This caught Blitzo off guard. "Wait, say that again." He asked.
Loona shrugged nonchalantly. "I can... Blend in...?"
"Do you have a human disguise?" Millie asked eagerly.
"Yeah. Don't you?" Loona asked, causing the imps to look at each other nervously. "You four have been screwing around on Earth this whole fucking time… without human disguises?" She yelled angrily.
"Truth be told, none of the humans seem to give a shit." Benedict points out.
"Okay, new plan!" Blitzo urgently interjects. He hastily grabbed a piece of paper and a marker, scribbling furiously before hanging the makeshift sign on the easel. The paper depicted Loona, surrounded by adoring humans, their hearts floating above their heads.
"Loonie can help lure the humans to us," Blitzo explained, his voice filled with confidence. "And we'll take care of the rest. Okay, how about that?"
"This is going to end horribly." Benedict remarked, squinting at Blitzo's poor drawings.
Millie, ever the supportive companion, nodded approvingly. "Flawless logic!" She chimed in.
"I think you're missing the biggest issue, sir." Moxxie interjected, his brow furrowed with concern. "Isn't it crucial to have a client who demands enough kills to win this bet? We aren't just going up to massacre!"
Blitzo grinned, confident that he had thought of everything. "I got that covered, Mox," he assured, his tone oozing with self-assurance.
...
Blitzo plastered a ratty flyer on a nearby lamppost, clumsily reading "Spring Break Victim, 50% Off!" alongside crude drawings of himself, a lifeless victim, and inexplicably, horses. Blitzo sauntered back to where Moxxie stood, waiting with a mix of skepticism and disbelief.
"Now... we wait," Blitzo announced, his voice dripping with anticipation.
Moxxie couldn't help but voice his doubts. "Sir... there is no way we are going to get enough clients by the end of the day with one poorly spelled, bad grammar flyer!" he protested, his voice tinged with frustration.
As if on cue, Moxxie and Blitzo turned their heads to witness a surprising sight. Demons of all shapes and sizes had formed an orderly line, their eyes fixed on the ragged flyer. Blitzo's smug grin widened, and he playfully nudged Moxxie's side.
"Now, who's first?" He asked smugly, strolling towards the massive line of demons.
...
The waves crashed against the shore of a bustling beach in the human world. People strolled leisurely, basking in the warm sunlight and engaging in animated conversations. Among the crowd, five figures concealed themselves behind coral-covered rocks beneath a weathered dock. It was Blitzo, Benedict, Moxxie, Millie, and Loona, their eyes fixated on their surroundings.
"Now, remember, we can't be seen, alright? And loose shots will likely cause a panic, so Loona can help with leading targets to a better spot to off 'em. You got the list, Loonie?" Blitzo explained.
Loona skimmed through the long list in her hands and gave it a sniff, confirming her readiness. "Got it," she replied tersely.
Loona rose to her feet, and in a dazzling display of blue light, she transformed into a human version of herself. The other imps stared in awe, minus Benedict, who simply rolled his eyes, unable to conceal their surprise.
"Ohhhhh, Loonie, look at you," Blitzo exclaimed, a hint of amusement in his voice. "You look... downright awful!"
Loona shot him a glare, her eyes filled with defiance.
"I am so proud," Blitzo added, his voice filled with pride. "Now, go on and fetch!"
With a confident stride, Loona peered ahead, her vision highlighting the human targets in a vivid red outline. She smirked mischievously and made her way toward a tall man sporting sunglasses. Loona extended her finger, gesturing toward his chest, and bestowed upon him a flirtatious grin. Motioning for him to follow, she led him toward a secluded alleyway. Against the wall, Loona leaned, her eyes fixated on the man as he reached out with lustful intent. Yet, before he could make his move, Blitzo, who had been spying from the rooftop, swiftly put an end to his advances with a fatal shot to the head. Loona received a thumbs-up from Blitzo, acknowledging her success.
The scene shifted, revealing a blonde man charging toward Loona in another dimly lit alleyway, his eyes filled with ravenous desire. However, Blitzo ensnared him with a noose, capturing him before he could reach her. Meanwhile, on a nearby rooftop, a brown-haired man leaned in for a kiss, aiming to seize the opportunity presented by Loona's presence. Millie swiftly intervened, delivering a powerful kick that sent the man plummeting off the edge and into a nearby dumpster, which Moxxie promptly slammed shut. Loona continued her walk, accompanied by a corpulent man, only for a flower pot to come crashing down upon his head. Meanwhile, Blitzo skillfully dispatched a woman with a knife, and Millie dealt a fatal blow to a white-haired woman using a spiked baseball bat. Another woman met her demise as a bullet from Benedict's rifle found its mark.
As the bodies piled up, Blitzo and his gang skillfully disposed of them, sealing them in bloodstained dark trash bags. In the background, Millie playfully jumped on another body, their actions carried out with an eerie efficiency.
"That's nine kills in the bag!" Blitzo exclaimed, his voice filled with grim satisfaction. "I like to see that waily snatch orgasm that many-"
Before Blitzo could finish his remark, their attention was diverted by a new arrival. Verosika, who appeared on the large, neon stage that was set up, addressed the enthusiastic spring breakers with a mischievous grin. "Alright, spring breakers! Y'all ready to get fucked up and make some BITCHIN' BAD CHOICES?!"
The crowd erupted into cheers, displaying their excitement for the forthcoming revelry. A devoted fan ripped his shirt open, proudly displaying Verosika's name scrawled across his chest.
"This is your final boarding call. All aboard~" The screens on the stage changed to display 'Fuck you Blitzo' on them, causing Blitzo to foam at the mouth in rage like some wild animal.
Verosika launches into her overly sexual song, causing the crown of humans to start making out with each other, as Verosikas succubi and incubi posse sneak into the crowd, working only to further their depravity.
"God DAMMIT!" Blitzo bellowed, his voice filled with irritation. "That bitch started her goadish mating call! Now, she's gonna win all these sex maniacs! We gotta pick things up, guys!"
Beside him stood a blonde man, his face twisted in discomfort as he vomited into a nearby container. Blitzo turned to him, pointing an accusatory finger.
"He on the list, Loonie?" Blitzo asked, seeking confirmation.
Loona, lost in her own distractions, tore her gaze away from Vortex, who was guarding the stage. "Huh? Yeah... I-I think so." She mumbled absentmindedly.
Blitzo nodded, satisfied with her answer. With a swift motion, he produced a menacing red and black axe.
"Oh, whoa! What are you? A leprechaun?" The blonde man exclaimed with a laugh.
Blitzo's voice was filled with a dark satisfaction. "Yeah... pretty cool, huh?"
In one swift strike, Blitzo cleaved the man's head in half with his axe, silencing his laughter forever.
"But you sure as shit ain't gonna tell nobody!" Blitzo declared, asserting his dominance. "Alright, next one, Loonie. C'mon! Loonie? Wait, where-...?"
As this was occurring, Benedict was looking up at the stage, deep in thought, formulating a plan.
"Wha- Wha- Wh-" Blitzo stammered, his voice filled with distress, tears welling up in his eyes. "WHERE'S MY BABYYYYYY?!"
Attempting to ease Blitzo's anguish, Millie pointed towards the stage. "Look!"
There she was, Loona, strolling purposefully towards Vortex. Blitzo's fatherly dread quickly transformed into seething anger. Loona, seemingly unfazed, checked her makeup, stepping over two men who had collapsed onto the ground, engaged in a passionate French kiss. Simultaneously, an unseen person hurled a bikini top, which landed haphazardly on Loona's head. She quickly discarded it before continuing.
"Blitz, I have a plan. Come with me." Benedict declared, grabbing Blitzo's sleeve, and pulling a grappling gun out of his coat. He quickly grappled up to the rafters of the stage, pulling a startled Blitzo along with him.
Meanwhile, a fanboy rushed towards Verosika, who was performing on stage, belting out the next chorus of "Vacay to Bonetown." However, Vortex, ever vigilant, noticed the intruder and promptly delivered a powerful punch, driving the man headfirst into the ground. With a firm grip, Vortex dragged the unconscious man away into the distance.
Verosika took the spotlight, her voice soaring through the air. "Now, who wants a piece of this?!" She exclaimed, flinging her Beelzejuice bottle into the vast ocean. In an instant, a golden portal materialized, and from its depths emerged a fish, rapidly growing into a monstrous creature, poised to unleash havoc.
Loona's heart pounded as she nervously approached Vortex, a knot forming in her stomach.
"Heyyyy... you!" Loona stammered, her voice filled with a mix of anxiety and anticipation.
Vortex turned towards her, acknowledging her presence. "Oh, hey. You're the hound workin' for my boss's freaky ex," he remarked casually.
Loona chuckled awkwardly, feeling the need to apologize. "Yeah, sorry if that's weird."
Vortex shrugged nonchalantly. "It's cool. Her beef ain't mine. I'm not paid enough to care."
Relieved by his response, Loona continued, still visibly nervous. "Yeah! Yeah. I'm Loona!"
Vortex mimicked her nervous tone and smile, trying to put her at ease. "Okay, Loona. I'm Vortex!"
Loona's face flushed, realizing her slip-up. "That's hot... I mean, like, literally, y'know, 'cause vortexes... y'know, they give off heat. Probably. Right?" She nervously bit her lip, hoping he wouldn't think she was completely ridiculous.
Vortex chuckled, finding her words amusing. "Uh, yeah. I guess, but my friends call me Tex."
Loona attempted to recover from her embarrassment, laughing nervously. "Oh, yeah? I wish I had friends. I mean... No, I mean, I don't... I... I don't have friends."
Back on stage, Benedict and Blitzo dropped down onto the stage right behind an unsuspecting Verosika.
"Hey dipshit!" Benedict yelled, grabbing Verosikas attention, before shoving her off the stage, and onto the sand below. A hoard of humans quickly swarmed around her, most likely with sexual intent, but were stopped by Vortex's sudden appearance.
Benedict revealed Verosikas microphone, which he had taken from her before kicking her off the stage, and held it out to Blitzo. "Blitz, you have the floor, sir." He couldn't help but hide a smirk.
Meanwhile, Moxxie and Millie cautiously hid behind metal barrels, observing the exchange from a distance.
"We've lost him," Moxxie sighed, realizing Blitzo had stolen the spotlight once again. "Looks like it's up to us to handle this list."
Millie pumped herself up, adopting a determined expression. "Hell yeah! Team M and M, getting shit done, making the moneys!"
With newfound resolve, Moxxie and Millie embarked on their mission, leaving their hiding spot behind the barrels. They headed off into the sunset, ready to carry out their assigned tasks. Their first stop: the ice cream shop. From there, they would leap across rooftops, taking down their targets one by one.
Back on the stage, Blitzo greedily snatched the mic from Benedict. "Alright you horny fuck-shits! You ready to hear some real music?!" He bellowed out, before beginning his song.
(Song Starts.)
Blitzo: Oh, god I hate Verosika!
The crowd gasped
Blitzo: That's right, I said it!
Loona: Blitz, come on!
Blitzo: I do! I hate Verosika!
Loona: Why?
Blitzo: I just don't get it! How a shitty little singer from a measly little band,
Is suddenly the hottest act in Hell's grandstand?
Blitzo angrily walked around the stage, making various gestures during the lyrics. Benedict had hopped down into the crowd, who were distracted by his performance, and was taking out targets left and right.
Blitzo: Oh god I hate Verosika! Her songs are shitty. But, oh no, the great Verosika, that little turdy. And I also hate her audience, because they're all so dumb! That bastard doesn't care that my poor ass is getting numb!
By this point, Verosikas entourage had managed to get back up on stage, while the woman in question was still surrounded by sex-crazed maniacs.
Entourage: How can you say that?! How can you say that?!
Blitzo: It's easy, I can say it 'cause it's absolutely true!
Entourage: Don't be a penis! The woman is a genius!
Blitzo: Her genius is she's fooling all of you!
A random human had managed to climb up on stage past Vortex, and now joined in on the song.
Human: But she's captivating, her presence commands the stage. Her voice enchants like a devilish sage. A true inspiration, her charm makes hearts ache. And she captures my soul...
Blitzo: Aw, hell, you're falling for her too!
Human: I know.
Blitzo: You should hate Verosika.
The crowd gasped again.
Human: Well, I don't, I admire Verosika.
Blitzo: Well there's your problem! You're so blinded by 'The Star' who's such a pompous woman!
Human: Why is it a problem to admit that I'm a fan?
Blitzo: 'Cause she's a hack, with a knack, for fucking anything she can!
Entourage: How can you say that?! How can you say that?! The woman really knows how to right a 'bitchin song! You with you could write one, we wish we could sing one.
Blitzo: I just wish that she would move along!
Another human, this one female, had managed to sneak past Vortex.
Human 2: Well that's not gonna happen, because everyone I know says that she's the greatest singer the worlds ever known!
Blitzo was emboldened by rage at this point, practically ranting at the entourage and crowd.
Blitzo: And that's another thing I hate about Verosika. Is all the fools who bloviate about Verosika. And how they prattle on about her grand performances, well la-di-da-di-da. And once they start their gushing, There's no stopping them, and then it's Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah Verosika. And she struts in, it's Dum-de-dum-ta-da Verosika!
His singing got more and more unhinged and slurred as time went on.
Blitzo: She's at a concert and they say "V, you're such a goddess, your voice is so divine. Please come to my room I'd fuck you any time." And they're all "ooh" and she's all "stop". And they're all "yay" and I'm all *retch*.
Blitzo pranced about the stage, miming the lyrics, though not well.
Blitzo: And I'm really getting sick of it. And oh, oh, oh, oh, I hate Verosika!
He sung the last line completely slurred, intoxicated by sheer anger.
Entourage: I think by now we sort of know you hate Verosika.
Blitzo stuck his head out from between two of the entourage.
Blitzo: Shmerosika. The way she feigns superiority, and all she does is gloat. The way she wears that silly, furry, way to big coat. The poster child for why no one should ever procreate! Let me make a shorter list and I will give it to you straight. Every little thing about Verosika... Is what I hate!
He slid on his knees to the front of the stage, his arms outstretched.
Entourage: He hates! He hates! He really surely really truely hates, Vero-Sika!
Blitzo let out a breath he'd been holding in the whole time, his face contorted in madness.
(Song Ends)
The crowd was silent, completely in shock from what they heard, except for one poor soul in the back who started clapping and cheering, but slowly stopped after realizing he was the only one doing it.
"Take that, whore!" Blitzo yelled into the mic, before pitching it into the ground and stalking off towards Loona.
...
Meanwhile, concealed behind a sturdy table laden with steel barrels of beer, Millie and Moxxie were hard at work. Millie deftly loaded a crossbow, giving it to Moxxie. Peering cautiously over the table's edge, Moxxie steadied himself, ready to take aim. But just as he prepared to release his bolt, a boisterous human man stumbled upon the scene, triumphantly tossing a beer can to the ground.
"Wooo! Yeah! Party! Let's do thiiiss!" The man bellowed with unruly enthusiasm, flipping the table over.
The force of his actions launched Moxxie and Millie into the air, leaving them momentarily weightless before gravity took hold once more. With an undignified thud, Moxxie landed in the midst of a bustling crowd. All eyes turned towards him, and a woman, her face twisted in repulsion, pointed a trembling finger in his direction.
"Eggggh! Oh my god, it's a fucking possum!" She exclaimed, her voice dripping with disdain.
Moxxie's heart sank as the woman's words reached his ears. "Oh, crumbs!" He muttered under his breath.
Driven by a desperate need to escape, Moxxie made a frantic attempt to scurry away. However, his efforts were abruptly halted when one of the partygoers managed to seize him by the tail, preventing his escape.
"I got it!" The man declared triumphantly, clutching Moxxie tightly in his grasp.
The man proceeded to force Moxxie into a barrel of beer, the liquid swallowing him up. A chorus of raucous cheers erupted from the crowd, their jubilant voices hailing the arrival of the "beer possum." The barrel became the center of attention as the revelers gleefully took turns propelling it through the air, like a macabre game of beer-soaked volleyball.
As the barrel soared through the room, a chant arose from the unseen participants.
"Beer possum! Beer possum!" Echoed a voice, the words carrying an air of intoxicated glee.
...
"What the fuck, Blitz!" Loona asked in an accusatory tone. Blitzo had come over to her once he was done singing about Verosika.
"Hey, I was just speaking my mind. It's a free country, I can insult whomever I want." Blitzo responded stubbornly, crossing his arms. "That doesn't mean you can start fucking whoever you want without my permission!" He accused back.
"That was just a conversation!" She argued.
"Yeah, well 'conversations' lead to HPV!"
"Fuck, Blitz! Why can't you just stay out of my business for five minutes?!" Loona yelled at him.
"Because I adopted you. And that should mean something." Blitzo shot back.
Loona growled in frustration. "Oh, what does it matter?! You're not my real dad! I was almost eighteen!"
"It still counts!"
"Well, it shouldn't! I didn't need you then, asshole! I don't, now!" With that, Loona stormed off in a huff.
. . .
Millie darted behind a cluster of beer kegs, her eyes fixed on a wobbling barrel in the distance. Determination etched across her face, she swiftly approached the barrel and pried it open. With a loud crash, the barrel tipped over, spilling its contents onto the ground. The unmistakable scent of beer filled the air as Moxxie let out a burp, clearly inebriated.
"Moxxie!" Millie called out, a hint of exasperation in her voice.
Moxxie turned towards her, a goofy smile plastered on his face. His speech slurred as he greeted her. "Millieee! Hiiii! Hey. Hey, when did you get four heads? I wanna kiss 'em!" He puckered his lips, making smooching noises.
Suppressing a giggle, Millie scooped up the drunken Moxxie in her arms. Of coure, this is when a monstrous fish emerged from the depths of the ocean. The sight of the creature sent shivers down the spines of the nearby humans and even caught the attention of a succubus. Panic ensued as the monster crushed a hapless human, crimson blood splattering everywhere. The horrified humans screamed and scattered in all directions.
Amidst the chaos, Blitzo observed the scene with a mix of curiosity and detachment. As the fish monster finished choking another man, Blitzo's gaze locked onto it. The monster let out a deafening roar, its imposing presence demanding attention.
"Ooooh! Fishy." Moxxie mumbled drunkenly, momentarily distracted.
Suddenly, the creature's slimy tongue snaked out and ensnared Moxxie, drawing him closer and sealing his fate within its gaping maw.
"Hehehe... Weeeeee..." Moxxie's intoxicated laughter echoed from within the beast.
"Finally!" Benedict yelled, emerging from the crowd and pulling out a harpoon launcher. "I get a chance to use this!"
"You were carrying that thing around this whole time?" Millie asks, momentarily distracted by her coworkers choice in weaponry.
"It comes in handy more often than you'd think." He said, before getting on one knee and firing at the fishes stomach. The harpoon lodged itself into the monsters stomach with a squelch. The line tensioned, before ripping loose, causing the harpoon to fly back at Benedict and whack him in the face, knocking him over.
Millie's couldn't help but laugh at her coworkers misfortune, before she spotted a spring breaker holding a cocktail nearby. Swiftly grabbing a knife, she swiftly dispatched the unsuspecting victim before setting a cloth ablaze. With precision, she hurled the makeshift Molotov cocktail at the fish monster, causing it to lose its balance and crash to the ground. Seizing the opportunity,
Millie dashed into the ocean and, wielding her knife, sliced through the creature's body with skilled precision. Determined, she pried open the monster's monstrous maw, revealing Moxxie tirelessly punching its uvula. Extending her hand, she reached out for him, and Moxxie reciprocated with a fleeting high five.
She quickly grabbed his wrist, and then, with a swift slice, Millie severed the tongue that held them captive, setting them free. Moxxie's smile widened, his eyes closing in bliss as he soared through the air. Gracefully, he descended into Blitzo's waiting arms. A jubilant human man, having narrowly escaped the tongue's grasp, raised his arms in celebration, only to meet his demise as Blitzo dispatched him with a flintlock pistol out of annoyance. Moxxie's laughter echoed through the air, infectious and euphoric.
"Really Moxxie? Drinking on the job?" Benedict criticized, having recovered from his sudden harpooning.
"And you didn't invite me?!" Blitzo yelled, prompting Benedict to raise an eyebrow.
Inside the monster's cavernous mouth, Millie relentlessly pummeled its tongue, forcing the beast to expel her forcefully. Emerging from its dark depths, Millie found herself entangled in a fierce wrestling match with the formidable creature.
"I love that woman~" Moxxie's tail formed a heart shape, his affection evident.
Blitzo's mischievous grin widened. "Oh, she totally pegs you, doesn't she?"
Undeterred by the perilous situation, Millie propelled herself into the air with a swift leap, her knife poised for action. With a daring move, she landed within the confines of the monster's innards. Determination etched onto her face, she swiftly sliced through its stomach from the inside, using the hole from Benedict harpoon as a starting point, causing the beast to fall over onto the beach, dead.
"Ohhhh, yeah, way to show off, Mils!" Blitzo cheered, a hint of admiration in his voice.
Concern etched her face as Millie cradled the dazed and battered Moxxie in her arms. "Is Mox okay?"
"Define 'okay'." Benedict quipped as Moxxie burped drunkenly.
Millie's embrace tightened around Moxxie, her laughter ringing out in joyous harmony with the crashing waves.
"Thiiiis is funny. I'm sooooo... drinky." Moxxie slurred, his expression doped but content.
The warmth of the moment enveloped them as Millie and Moxxie shared a heartfelt embrace, their laughter filling the air with a rare sense of wholesomeness.
"Ooookay, this is too wholesome for my liking." Blitzo grumbled, his voice tinged with a mix of amusement and mock annoyance.
"Blitz-o." Verosika called out from behind, her voice dripping with anticipation.
Blitzo grinned mischievously, his eyes scanning the horizon. "Oh, perfect. That must be the whores!"
Verosika couldn't help but roll her eyes. "That was handled rather...obvious... Don't you think?"
"Speaking of 'Obvious'." Benedict held up a decorated metal flask that had Verosikas name on it, as well as a large hole in the middle, presumably from the harpoon. "Guess what I harpooned from inside the fish." He chuckled darkly. "It'd be a... real shame, if some important people were to find out about this."
Moxxie, overcome with laughter and the effects of far too much beer, chimed in. "Oh, Satan! You're gonna be so...FUUUUCKED!" Earning him an annoyed glare from Benedict.
Verosika scowled at the group. "Yeah, well... you three nasty-ass gremlins will be in shit for not being in disguises!"
Moxxie, unable to maintain his balance, faceplanted into the sand. He mumbled incoherently, "A human called me a possum. I am not a-" He faceplanted again. "Possum!"
Blitzo interjected, his voice smooth with a hint of manipulation. "Y'know, we could keep this little B-movie scene on the down low if you agree to let us use that parking space."
Verosika hesitated for a moment before finally relenting. "Fine."
Blitzo's victorious laughter filled the air. "WE FUCKIN' WOOOOOOON! laughs triumphantly"
Millie joined in, her voice brimming with excitement. "Fuck YEAH!"
Even Benedict couldn't hide a smile. "Let's go!" He high-fived Blitzo, flinching and rubbing his sore hand afterward.
Blitzo couldn't resist taunting Verosika further. "IN YOUR FACE, BIIIITCH!"
Verosika scoffed, her pride wounded. "Come on, let's get out of here. Tex!"
Vortex sighed. "Well... guess it's time to bounce. But, hey, if you're ever down to party, I'll give you a ring sometime."
Loona, who had been silently observing the interaction, perked up at the mention of a potential social outing. "Really? I mean, heh...yeah. Yeah."
Vortex's enthusiasm was palpable. "Yeah! My girlfriend throws a ton of crazy hound parties."
As Vortex mentioned his girlfriend, Loona's expression shifted from hope to dejection. Her voice was tinged with sadness. "Nice. Can't wait for my first one."
Vortex, oblivious to Loona's internal turmoil, chuckled playfully. "Let's get you some friends, girl."
He delivered a light punch to her arm, intending it as a friendly gesture. With a heavy heart, Loona watched Vortex follow Verosika, her mind filled with the bitter taste of unrequited affection and the realization that her crush had someone else.
Blitzo broke the momentary silence, his voice boisterous. "Come on, Loonie Tooney! Let's go back and park our fat fuckin' car in our fat fuckin' space!"
The members of the I.M.P., their mission completed, made their way through the portal. However, Loona stumbled and fell backward, disappearing into the portal in a rather ungraceful manner.
Blitzo, seizing the opportunity for one last act of defiance, leaped into the air and mockingly flipped the double bird through the portal, provoking a growl of anger from Verosika.
As the portal closed behind them, Verosika and her gang found themselves surrounded by an intimidating presence. Police officers, a clown, and a formidable mine robot encircled them, their guns aimed with unwavering determination.
The commanding voice of the police chief shattered the tense air. "PUT YOUR HANDS UP, YOU SICK DEVIANTS!"
Verosika sighed. "Alright, sluts. Get ready to suck a lot of pig dick."
Her gang, resigned to their fate, sighed and groaned in disgust as they raised their hands in surrender.