Heaven's golden gates were a majestic sight, shimmering in all their glory. As the gates swung open, revealing the enchanting town of "Cherub Towne," a lively baby like cherub named Cletus soared in front of the camera with a friendly smile.
"Well, howdy! I'm Cletus! Welcome to Heaven! I reckon you must've done somethin' mighty good to find yourself here. And good folks like you deserve to give their loved ones some special blessin's!"
A chorus of cherubs chimed in, their voices harmonizing in a delightful melody as they sang the C.H.E.R.U.B. Jingle.
The scene transitioned to an adrenaline-filled moment as a man leaped out of an airplane, his parachute failing to open properly. Instead of a gentle descent, he crashed onto a rock, prompting a censoring cloud bubble with the word "OWIE!" to appear.
Collin, a blue sheep cherub, joined in with his melodious voice, singing, " Does it make you want to cry? "
In another scene, a person met an unfortunate fate as a speeding train ruthlessly ran them over, accompanied by an on-screen "Oh No!" censor cloud.
Keenie, a yellow sheep cherub, joined the choir, singing with heartfelt emotion, " When your loved one has to die? "
The series of unfortunate incidents continued as a man accidentally shot himself in the face with a shotgun, prompting an "Oopsie!" censor cloud.
Cletus, his voice filled with empathy, added, " Does it hurt you through and through? "
The next clip portrayed a man struggling, his face turning blue in the grasp of a hangman's noose. Cletus's stylized head emerged on the screen, a sad expression and a tear streaming down his cheek.
In unison, they all sang, " When your face is turnin' bluuuuue? "
Collin chimed in once again, his voice brimming with hope, " Well, luckily for you... "
Keenie continued the melody, her voice soothing, " There's somethin' we can do! "
Cletus reassured, " We can help keep them alive, "
And together, they sang, " So you can watch them thrive! "
The trio posed together, united in their mission to make a difference.
As the orange C.H.E.R.U.B. logo appeared, adorned with a registered trademark symbol, the letters materialized one by one, perfectly synchronized with the lyrics.
'Cause here at C.H.E... R.U.B.!
The scene shifted to Cletus rescuing a woman from a pack of wild animals, with Keenie playfully pushing a scared Collin forward, armed with a plank of wood that had a nail sticking out of it.
Collin joined in, singing with conviction, " We'll save your honeybun from dyin' violently! "
The C.H.E.R.U.B. logo made another appearance, a testament to their mission.
'Cause here at C.H.E... R.U.B.!
Cletus waved off a person trying to hand him a handful of dollar bills, while Keenie continued the melody, " No, we never even ask a fee! "
Collin and Keenie embraced each other against a backdrop of a yellow heart, their voices blending as Collin proclaimed, " Because good people spread the love! "
Small hearts of light emanated from a spinning Earth in space, showcasing the boundless love they aimed to share.
Keenie burst into song, exclaiming, "And we're here for all above!"
In a bustling office, Collin sat hunched over his desk, frantically scribbling on stacks of paperwork.
Cletus chimed in, "We do the paperwork for you!"
Keenie, demonstrating her strength, lifted a boulder to rescue a woman trapped beneath it, earning a thumbs-up from the grateful woman. Meanwhile, Collin added his own contribution, singing, "And the heavy liftin', too!"
The scene shifted to the three cherubs providing comfort to a severely injured man, his neck bleeding profusely from a car crash. Cletus joined in with a melodic voice, "So sit right back." The cherubs reappeared on the screen, singing in harmony and striking poses, as they declared, "And let us bless a soooul for you!" They proudly announced their identity, "Oh, we... are the C.H.E.R.U.B.!"
Blitzo took aim with his flintlock pistol and blasted the TV playing the C.H.E.R.U.B commercial into pieces.
Millie applauded, "Nice one, B!"
Blitzo turned to Moxxie. "Gimme another, Mox." He demanded.
They were currently in the meeting room, which was somehow even more disorganized than before, which the smoldering bits of television didn't help with.
Nervously, Moxxie cleared away the flaming debris and replaced the destroyed TV with another one. He turned it on, a scared expression on his face. The screen displayed the 666 News logo. Meanwhile, Blitzo poured gunpowder into his flintlock, preparing for another shot.
Blitzo muttered dismissively, "Eh, nah. Not feelin' it. Next!"
Moxxie quickly switched the channel, hoping to find something more suitable. A demonically dressed Betty Boop appeared in black and white, dancing erotically with bouncing breasts, clutching a pitchfork. Moxxie flinched, expecting the worst. Blitzo and Millie looked bored.
Blitzo commented, "Uh-huh. Keep going, keep goin', keep goin'..."
Moxxie continued flipping through the channels. Finally, Wally Wackford appeared on the screen, dressed in white with a black top hat, holding a cane.
Wally Wackford exclaimed, "I say, I say, are you lookin' to get work making crazy contraptions and goofy gadgets?"
As Wally whacked his cane on the wall, graphics for "CRAZY CONTRAPTIONS" and "GOOFY GADGETS" appeared alongside him.
Wally Wackford continued, "WELL, call me at Wacky Wally Wackford's Wacky Idea Factory!"
The screen transitioned to the title "Wacky Wally Wackford's Wacky Idea 'Factory' ™" against a classic old cartoon background. The panel with the title fell forward, landing with a thud.
Wally leaned closer to the screen, his expression pleading. "Please! I'm very desperate!"
"Bingo!" Blitzo exclaimed triumphantly.
He promptly shot the TV once again, causing it to explode and scatter debris across the room.
"WOO! You're on a roll, sir!" Millie cheered.
Benedict walked in, annoyed. "Would you keep it down, please?" He asked. "I'm trying to file the company's taxes, because we still pay them for some reason."
"See, that's where you're mistaken, Benny." Blitzo walked over and pointed at himself. "I don't pay taxes, I'm an excellent tax fraudster!" He boasted.
"Sir, the last of your 'Tax Fraud' Schemes involved you faking your own death. You even went so far as to have your own open casket funeral." Moxxie pointed out, causing Blitzo to growl.
"Yeah, and it would've worked if not for that clingy bitch Stolas!" Blitzo yelled angrily. "Perv was still grabbing at my dick as he bawled!"
Loona, who was sleeping in a chair as this happened, was abruptly awoken by a rumble, which knocked over a plastic cup full of water by her foot.
"Guys... do you feel that?" Loona asks.
"Oh, shit! Is that a hellshake?" Blitzo exclaims.
"That's possible?" Moxxie questions.
"Nothing seems to obey the laws of physics here, so probably." Benedict remarks.
"Alright! Don't panic, Moxxie!" Millie tries to reassure.
Moxxie's tail stiffens from being startled by Millie's sudden outburst. She then grabs his arms in an attempt to "calm" him.
"I'm not 'panicking'," Moxxie says with finger quotes. "because hellquakes don't happen."
Loona roughly grabs hold of Moxxie and shakes him. "STOP GETTING HYSTERICAL, FATTY!"
Loona slaps Moxxie in the face, sending him flying against the wall and slightly dazing him. He is then knocked down further by what appears to be a wrecking ball made of black tubes. Part of the wall crumbles on top of Moxxie, crushing him. As the dust clears, the wrecking ball untangles into multiple robotic tentacles, and a supervillain-esque figure uses two of them to hoist himself into the room through the hole, covering himself with his cape. Loona growls while on all fours.
"Do not be afraid!" The man declares.
The man grins and extends his robotic tentacles. "Please tell me you got that insurance thing." Blitzo comments.
Millie takes out her black axe and asks, "Who are you, and what do you want?"
"I am Loopty Goopty!" Loopty introduces himself in a singsong voice, "Dastardly inventor of all things loopy and loopiiiiiish!"
Before Loopty can continue, Benedict quickly intervenes. "I'm sorry, but we have a strict no-tentacle policy here at I.M.P, especially after what happened last time, so I'm gonna need you put those away." He gestures at Loopty's various robotic tentacles.
Loopty leans into Benedicts face. "Noooo!" He simple responds, before turning to the others.
"Coulda just used the door, dude. Doesn't need to be this whole thing." Loona remarked.
"I am eccentric and must therefore do eccentric SHIT!" Loopty replied dramatically, followed by a wavy dance. Blitzo sniffed him and flinched, exclaiming, "Ugh! This old fuck reeks of the living world. Did you just die?"
"YEEEEES! Moments ago, in fact! Which is what brought me HEEEERE!" Loopty responded with enthusiasm.
Loona tapped on her phone and interjected. "Just sayin'... the front door would've gotten you here fine."
Loopty retorted, "Shut up, dear furry!" which caused Loona to growl in anger.
Suddenly, Loopty appeared in front of Loona and turned to Blitzo, proclaiming, "This is the man I'm gonna need you to kiiiill!" He held up an old photo of an old bald man in a bed, and Blitzo took the photo from him.
"You sure you need us to? He doesn't seem to have much time left as is." Benedict points out, only for Blitzo to shove his finger to his lips in a shushing motion.
"Not even a shit's length of time in Hell and already plotting revenge. I can respect a man with that sort of passion! I'm Blitzo, the 'O' is silent," Blitzo introduced himself, walking over to Loopty and shaking his hand.
Confused, Loopty asked, "What 'o'?"
"Aww, thank you," Blitzo replied, shaking his hips playfully. "Now, what's the tea, sis?"
"The TEAAAA?!" Loopty questioned, Even more confused.
Meanwhile, Moxxie struggled under the weight of debris, called out for help. "Guys, help!" He weakly shouted.
"You know, Moxxie, if you could stop being a pancake under that wall for a moment, maybe we can focus on the task at hand." Benedict chastises him, turning back to Loopty. "I believe Blitz meant to ask why you want him dead, Loopty."
In pain, Moxxie's arm appeared, inching back as he squealed, "LOSING... OX-!"
"He was… my business partner! You see, I was not always an old man!" Loopty explained. A montage of old film clips in brown shades depicted Loopty yesterday.
"My partner Lyle and I ran Lyle-Loopty Robotics, a technological empire!" Loopty continued. The clips showed Loopty and Lyle posing with capes and spiral glasses on top of a tall building labeled "Lyle-Loopty Robotics."
"Earlier today, we were testing a new machine intended to stop, or reverse, the aging process!" The clips showed them working on the machine, labeled "De-age-ifier" with Loopty slapping Lyle on the ass. "It could've saved all three trillionaires!"
"Unfortunately, we neglected to test the machine on the poor, like we usually do. We were too sure of our own genius! But the machine was accidentally set FORWARD!" Loopty narrated. The two men confidently walked into the chamber, with the lever outside set to 'Old'. "By the time we managed to get out... it was too late! At least... for me!" The film showed their frantic attempts to escape the chamber, but both of them rapidly aged, with Loopty dying to a heart attack.
"Now, that evil son of a bitch is going to take over the empire WE BUILT TOGETHER! Without me to share it with, he'll make all the goddamn money in the world and become the fourth trillionaire... and get ALL the credit!" The clips shifted to Lyle laughing evilly as money rained down on him.
"Ehhh, that's not really evil." Blitzo points out, enraging Loopty.
"It's evil to MEEEE!" He retorted.
"No, not really." Benedict also pointed out, only for Loopty to tell him to "SHUT UPPP!".
"Everything... is going... dark..." Moxxie weakly says, still trapped under the rubble.
"Now, get your crimson asses up above and send that heartless, no-good son of a bitch to Hell, where he belongs!" Loopty exclaimed.
"Eh, y-y-y-You do know, Poopty—" Blitzo began, but Loopty interrupted, seething, "Looooptyyyy!"
Blitzo raised his hands defensively, sweating nervously. "Of course! Of course... If we do kill him, though, and he ends up down here... y'know, you will be stuck with him. Forever."
"Oh, trust me..." Loopty replied with a sinister grin, pulling out an assortment of various weapons held up by robotic arms. "I'm counting on it."
"That's kinda hot." Moxxie shakily gives a thumbs up from under the rubble.
...
"Gee, I wonder who's house this is." Moxxie remarks, looking at a lavish mansion through a pair of binoculars. He was disguised in a grey overcoat, top hat (that his horns pierced right through), and a fake mustache.
Benedict, Blitzo, Moxxie and Millie were all on a tour bus that was going by Lyles mansion, dressed in human 'disguises'. Blitzo wore a modern black dress, with pink paint over most of his skin, a blue and pink wig, pink and yellow sunglasses, and had a sock puppet over his tail.
"How do ya' think ah' look, Benny?" Millie asked. She had a long blonde wig, pink jeans, red long sleeve shirt and a sun hat, that also had her horns poking through.
"Like a imp in a bad human disguise." Benedict answered honestly. He was in his typical attire, except, due to Blitzo bugging him enough, he wore a black fedora, that fit neatly on his head, with holes for his horns, or horn, with his left one being half broken, to fit through.
"Exactly what ahm' going for!" She said cheerfully.
"And to your right, is the home of famous inventor Lyle Lipton." The tour guide on the bus explained, causing the many humans on the bus to ooh and start taking photos.
"Let's do it, gang!" Blitzo exclaims, pulling of fhis sunglasses and tossing them to the side.
The imps pull out their weapons from various hiding places. Blitzo pulls out his trusty flintlock, Moxxie has an assault rifle, Millie brings two machetes, and Benedict grabs a Tommy gun.
The group jumps the fence and lands in poses. "Let's kill this rich guy!" Millie says with some bloodthirst, prompting them to start moving towards the mansion.
"And here you'll find four tacky stalkers about to attempt a murder! Things like this could happen to famous people all the time!" The tour guide describes animatedly, prompting the people on tour to take more photos.
Blitzo and Millie dash over to the nearby window, while Moxxie slides on his back, and Benedict casually walks over to the door and starts picking the lock. Moxxie peers through the window, joined by the sock puppet cat on Blitzo's tail.
"Wow..." Moxxie says, prompting Blitzo, Millie, and Benedict to join him at the window, Benedict having finished the lock and being cramped in the corner of the window.
"That machine really did a number on him." Moxxie remarks, seeing Lyle's current state.
Lyle is lying (Ha!) on his bed, an IV bag attached to him, and is holding a framed picture in his hands, looking at it sadly. A heart rate monitor sits on a shelf next to the IV bag. A TV screen and video player sit at the other side of his bed, connected to the bed itself.
Lyle kisses the picture, his hands trembling. "Goodbye, my one true love." He remarks somberly. The picture in the frame is shown to consist of a stock image of dollar bills with a "Free Stock Photos" watermark over it. He then puts the frame down and grabs the tube from his IV bag and begins tying it.
"All the riches of the world can't fill the emptiness I'm feeling now that my shitty old body can't do anything of value." Lyle starts tying his IV line into a noose.
"Oh fantastic! He's gonna do our job for us!" Blitzo exclaims happily.
"Should we go in there and tie it for him?" Moxxie asks, prompting Benedict to roll his eyes.
"Of course, then we can add 'Noose tying' to our list of services." He remarks sarcastically.
Lyle finishes the noose and prepares to hang himself, as Moxxie, Millie, And Blitzo eagerly much down on popcorn and drinks in expectation, while Benedict stood off to the side, tapping his foot and looking at his watch impatiently. "How long does it take to off yourself, god damnit." He muttered impatiently.
Suddenly, the noose glows a brilliant white, and emits a shockwave that knocks the imps back, knocking off their hats and Blitzo's wig, as well as his puppet, which he looks at sadly as he flies away.
Lyle adjusts to the light, and sees the three cherubs from the commercial, Cletus, Keenie, and Collin, descend from above.
"Oh lord, I'm being haunted by ugly orphan children now!" Lyle exclaims with disdain and shock, looking at the cherubs.
"Who the fuck are they?!" Blitzo asks angrily as he and Moxxie recover from the blast.
Moxxie rubs his eyes and looks through the window. "Oh no! sir, Those are-"
"Cherubs, Mr. Lyle!" Cletus, a child like cherub, explains cheerfully.
"I hate filthy, stinking orphan children!" Lyle says angrily, waving his arm at them in a very old-man fashion.
"We're here to convince you not to kill yourself, sir." Collin, a blue sheep cherub, continues. "To grant you a blessing, on behalf of those in Heaven... benefited by your amazing... technological advances."
"Oh HELL no!" Blitzo angrily yells, rolling up his sleeve, readying his flintlock and storming towards the window. "Don't listen-" He smashes through the window and faceplants directly into the floor, multiple glass shards sticking out of him.
Moxxie takes the more sensible route, walking in through the recently unlocked door, Millie close behind. "Lyle Lipton, it is our-" He stops to look at his boss for a second. "Humble opinion that you should continue the process to commit die." He finishes.
"Luckily for you, we here at I.M.P" Benedict walks past Moxxie into the room, holding a notepad and pen. "Offer many different methods of murder." He stood by Lyles bedside. "Let's see, we have decapitation, plain old shooting, explosive diarrhea, ah! Table up the ass, that's always popular." He flicked through the various pages of his notepad, showcasing the various options to Lyle.
"You're really going to try and profit off helping a old man kill himself?!" Collin asked with a shocked expression, clutching his chest.
"Gotta pay the bills somehow." Benedict responded deadpan. "Besides, how else is he going to spend his money? Playing bingo?"
"Is that a serious question?" Keenie, the third cherub, a yellow sheep, chimed in.
Keenie adjusts Lyle's bedsheets, revealing his wallet full of dollar bills, which was grabbed by Cletus.
"He can help spread his wealth around with the people of the world! And do so much good with it! And be so fulfilled!" Keenie described happily as she flew around, grabbing the wallet from Cletus and tossing the money out, to where it was quickly snatched up by Benedict, earning him a look of disgust from the cherubs.
"No." Lyle replied stubbornly.
"He could pay for new hospitals and schools!" Collin suggests cheerfully.
Lyle grips his blanket. "Why won't you just let me die?" He asks disdainfully.
"Oh, sounds like ya need help offin' yourself there, buddy." Blitzo, who had recovered from his sudden fall and was now perched on Lyles bedside table, remarked. "Moxxie, what do we got for this fella?"
Moxxie started pulling weapons out of his coat and tossing them to Blitzo. "I have some assault weapons, crossbow, hunting bow, machine gun, old-fashioned shotgun, revolvers in three colors, chainsaws, katanas-" Both Blitzo and Lyle caught and assault rifle, with Blitzo also grabbing a crossbow with his tail.
"He's classier than that!" Collin protests, before noticing Lyle preparing to shoot himself with a rifle, and quickly taking it from him. "There are still plenty of reasons to live, Mr. Lyle!" He assures hurriedly.
"Yeah, right. Smells like he ain't been out of bed in months!" Millie remarks, before sniffing Lyle and proceeding to thrown up on the floor, as Millie comfortably patted her on the back.
"Life can be beautiful at any age!" Cletus cheerfully chimes in.
"And we'll show him!" Keenie finishes, prompting the cherubs to cheer, "Yeah!"
"No!" Benedict, Blitzo, Moxxie and Millie all shouted in unison.
...
The sun cast its warm golden rays over the hill, where a peculiar scene unfolded. The three cherubs were rolling Lyle, who was still in bed, up a hill. They positioned him at the crest of the hill, offering a breathtaking view of the sprawling forest and shimmering lake below.
"Look around, Lyle." Cletus exclaimed, his voice brimming with enthusiasm. "God's gift of nature is a wonder to behold, regardless of age!" He couldn't help but add a playful wink. "Or wealth!"
Collin, standing beside Cletus, chimed in with a serious tone. "If you were to end your life, you'd be missing aaaaaall of this!" His voice trailed off, emphasizing the vastness of the scenery before them.
Suddenly, a peculiar figure appeared, donned in a tiger costume. It was Blitzo, injecting himself into the conversation. "Mm-hm. You're gonna buy that load of shit from a baby and the sheep it fucks?" He accompanied his words with a suggestive gesture, causing gasps and shocked expressions from the cherubs.
Keenie, covering her mouth in shock, exclaimed, "That is so inappropriate!"
Two more figures emerged from the scene, Millie and Moxxie, both adorned in cat costumes. They wasted no time in firing back at Keenie. "Oh, kiss our ass, prude!" Millie's words were accompanied by a defiant double bird gesture.
Benedict could be seen in the background, angrily ripping off a cheetah costume. "Get this fucking thing off me! I'm not a furry!" He yelled angrily.
Blitzo, unfazed by the uproar, shoved Lyle aside and took a seat next to him. "Aaaanyway, take it from me, a fellow genius. Nature is no picnic up close." As if conjured from thin air, Blitzo produced a pair of binoculars and handed them to Lyle.
Curiosity piqued, Lyle peered through the binoculars, expecting to witness the innocence of nature's creatures. Instead, he was greeted by a heart-wrenching sight—a group of adorable bunnies and squirrels, torn apart and devoured by a pack of ravenous wolves.
"Ohhhh, noooo!" Lyle exclaimed in anguish.
Collin, realizing the torment it caused, tried to intervene, attempting to pull the binoculars away. "S-Stop looking!"
But Lyle held onto the binoculars tightly. "I can't stop! I've never wanted to die more than I do now!"
A bear lunged at a wolf, toppling it to the ground. Just as the bear prepared to strike, a falling tree, felled by a burly logger with a chainsaw, crushed the bear. Chaos ensued as the logger found himself with a beehive on his head, flailing and screaming in a desperate attempt to free himself. In his frenzy, he tossed the chainsaw into the air, only for it to come crashing down, severing both of his arms. His screams intensified, momentarily overshadowed by the dramatic flash of lightning, before a charging stag impaled him with its antlers.
Frozen in horror, everyone watched the macabre spectacle. Blitzo, initially faking his horror, couldn't help but crack a smug grin.
Cletus, his nerves frayed, spoke up. "Uhhh, let's go check out someplace else." He suggested, his voice tinged with nervousness.
"No we are not! We're here to do our job, not waste time!" Benedict angrily exclaims, having freed himself from the costume, which was over his normal attire, and walking over. "I'm just gonna shoot him!" He pulled out a semi auto and aimed it at Lyle, only for Keenie to swoop by and snag it.
"There are no firearms here, mister!" She told him off, only for him to roll his eyes.
"Bold of you to assume that was my only gun." He pulled another pistol out of his coat, only for it to be snatched away again.
He quickly took off and shook his boot, causing a pistol to fall out, which he quickly snagged and pointed at Lyle, but Cletus flew by and grabbed it.
"Stop trying to shoot him!" He protested, only to be ignored as Benedict stuck a finger down his throat and retched out a gun, which he pointed, and... well you know what happens.
Benedict then reached behind Lyles ear. "Ta-da!" He exclaimed, pulling out a pistol like some cheap magician, before it was inevitably grabbed again.
Benedict sighed. "Give me a minute." He said, walking off into the woods. A zipping noise could be heard, followed by a lot of rustling and grunting. Eventually, Benedict stiffly walked out, wincing with every step, holding a small revolver.
"Where were ya' hidin' that?" Millie asked curiously.
"Let's just say I had to go to some extreme measures to retrieve- Oh god damnit!" Benedict yelled as the revolver was whisked away by Collin.
"Uh... Why is it sticky?" The sheep-like cherub asked, holding up the gun.
"Trust me, you don't want to know." Benedict deadpanned.
"Lets, uh... Let's move on." Cletus suggested nervously, glancing at the small pile of firearms they'd confiscated.
...
In the vibrant walls of a bustling shopping mall, Lyle, lying in his bed, was unexpectedly thrust through a door with such force that it obliterated both the door and a portion of the surrounding wall. His immediate reaction was one of utter despair.
"Oh, Lord! Where are we know? Let me perish!" Lyle cried out, his voice filled with anguish and disbelief.
Ready to unveil a newfound purpose for existence, Keenie, with a sweeping gesture, directed Lyle's attention towards a jubilant crowd of children, eagerly cheering in the presence of a seated Santa Claus.
"We're here to show you another thing life is worth living for: childhood wonderment!" She exclaimed happily.
Amongst the merry throng, one child sported a "Craft Mine" shirt, while another, to Lyle's mild repulsion, ate his own booger.
"Why... look at those sweet, disease-ridden vermin." Lyle said in a wistful tone. "Th- Their joy comes from innocence, unspoiled by the burdens of adulthood... and their middle-class existence! Such simple joy they have. It is inspiring. Thank you for showing me this."
Of course, the moment was ruined by Blitzo, who yelled, "Hey Dipshit!" grabbing the attention of Lyle and the cherubs.
Both he and Millie were dressed as elves, with a disgruntled Moxxie in a rudolph costume, and no sign of Benedict.
They stood by the santa, who had a kid in his lap. "Wanna see whose lap you're sittin' on?" Blitzo asks, grabbing Santas beard and ripping off his costume, revealing him to be a fat, disgusting gnome.
The kids scream and run in terror as Lyle sobs like a baby, his eyes quickly covered by Collin and Keenie, as a concerned Cletus pushes the bed away.
At this point, Benedict, who hadn't been seen up until now, burst out of a snowman near Lyle, pointing a shotgun at him. "Gotcha!" He yelled, and pulled the trigger, only for nothing to happen. "Dang it." He mutters, realizing the mechanism was jammed by snow.
...
Lyle was now nestled in the heart of some woods. A crude wooden sign stands next to him, proudly declaring "LOVERS' LOOKOUT," with a cartoon heart playfully replacing the 'O' in "LOVERS." A small note, possibly added later, is written underneath, reading, "I guess..."
"Egh! This place reeks of teenagers!" Lyle exclaimed, his dissatisfaction evident.
Cletus attempted to redirect Lyle's attention to the true purpose of their visit. "Lovers' Lookout, sir!" He interjected, his voice brimming with enthusiasm. "We're here to remind you about possibly life's greatest joy of all!"
Lyle's face twisted into a mischievous grin as he raised his hands in a creepy, trembling gesture. "Money!" He exclaimed.
Collin shook his head. "No! Love." He corrected Lyle gently.
A spark of curiosity flickered in Lyle's eyes as he admitted, "I've never been in love before. I imagine it's quite nice!"
"Ha! Nice try, ugly!" Blitzo interrupted, appearing out of nowhere and pulling out a megaphone. He, Millie, and Moxxie were dressed in wigs and dresses, with Benedict wearing a tu-tu roughly shoved over his clothes, which he quickly ripped off.
Blitzo pulled out a megaphone, yelling into it. "Hey, horny lovers! Which one of you would FUCK this old man?!". All of the cars in the surrounding area drove off immediately.
Collin, unable to contain his anger, confronted Blitzo, getting right up in his face. "You know, you four are so utterly cruel! We're just trying to give hope to someone in need!"
Benedict rolled his eyes. "Well, we're paid to kill people, not to give a shit about morals." He nonchalantly responded, pulling out yet another pistol and shooting it at Lyle, only for it to shoot out a bunch of confetti.
"Oh God- Wrong gun." Benedict threw the pistol behind him. "Dunno why I still have that thing." He muttered to himself.
. . .
The cherubs moved Lyle to an auditorium, where he lay in bed in the front row. The cherubs floated by him, dressed up for the occasion, with Lyle even sporting a bow tie.
On stage, woman wearing a viking costume, plus a fake unicorn, sang, as a well dressed gentleman behind her played a grand piano, his nimble fingers sliding across the keys.
"Behold! The wonder of art and music! Somethin' always there to comfort… entertain… and live for!" Cletus said animatedly.
In the rafters above the stage, the I.M.P crew looked down on the performance, plotting their next move.
"So... how do we make this bad?"Millie pondered aloud, looking at the performance below.
"We can't. There's literally nothing bad about opera. That's fact." Moxxie responded with certainty.
"We don't need to make it bad, we just need to kill Lyle." Benedict pointed out annoyed, training his lever action on Lyle.
"Oh, come on, grumpy! It's far more fun to rub it in those cherubs faces!" Blitzo responded. "Now let's ruin it!" With a devious grin, he seized the spotlight and began shifting its focus away from the singer. The unsuspecting performer would pause momentarily before instinctively following the light, resuming her song. Blitzo continued manipulating the spotlight, causing the singer to repeatedly halt and follow its erratic movements.
Observing the unfolding spectacle, Lyle couldn't help but voice his opinion. "She's not very good." He remarked candidly.
Blitzo chuckled softly, relishing in his successful disruption. As Lyle and the cherubs narrowed their eyes suspiciously, Blitzo intensified his antics. He swung the spotlight around aggressively, until, to his astonishment, it snapped off completely. Unbeknownst to him, the singer had reached the pinnacle of her performance, unleashing a final, resounding high note. However, the ill-fated turn of events resulted in disaster as the spotlight crashed down upon her, shattering her into pieces and splattering the stage with blood. The audience, Lyle, and the cherubs recoiled in horror, their screams mingling with the nervous attempts of the pianist to continue playing, his face drenched in sweat.
"Well, at least we made it bad." Blitzo remarked with a twisted sense of satisfaction.
"This isn't going to end well." Benedict guessed as the cherubs, seething with anger, flew towards the Imps, their fury palpable. Cletus could no longer contain his frustration. "THAT'S IT! I HAVE HAD IT! You four monsters have messed with us enough!" He yelled angrily.
Collin, another cherub, stammered in defense, "D'ooh, we're just trying to do our j-j-job!"
"Well, so are we!" Moxxie retorted.
The mounting tension reached its breaking point as Cletus exploded, "EEEENOUGH!"
Summoning golden crossbows, the cherubs aimed their weapons at the Imps. "We are savin' that shitty old man's life, whether he wants it or not!" Cletus declared.
Blitzo, refusing to back down, retorted, "Well, someone wants that fucker dead, m'kay? And he paid in advance, and I spent it all on this..." From the depths of his coat, Blitzo produced a jewel-encrusted green horse figure wearing sunglasses and a "MARE-AJUANA" cap. "So he's gotta go!"
"That better not have come out of my paycheck!" Benedict warns angrily.
Keenie couldn't contain her disgust any longer. Flying into Benedict's face, she sneered, "You all are such disgusting, loathsome beasts! Your kind is nothing but dirt that shitty dead people tread on! And now, you're trying to meddle with the lives of HUMANS?!"
Millie shoved Benedict aside and got in Keenies face. "So are you! So why don't you shut your trap, you judgmental..." Millie seized Keenie by her necklace and snapped it back. "cotton candy, tit-havin' BITCH?!"
"FILTHY DEMON CRAP!" Keenie bellowed as she lunged towards Millie, triggering an intense opera-like fight scene. The two engaged in a wild catfight, rolling and exchanging blows. Meanwhile, Cletus and Collin fired golden arrows at Blitzo, Benedict, and Moxxie, who swiftly retreated across the rafters while drawing their guns.
As the chaos escalated, Millie and Keenie tumbled off the catwalk. Seizing an opportunity, Moxxie leaped from the catwalk, grabbing and swinging on a rope. With his pistol aimed at Keenie, who continued fighting with Millie in their descent, he fired at a rope, causing a sandbag to crash into Keenie, separating her from Millie. Moxxie swung over and caught Millie just as Cletus chased them, firing his crossbow.
As Collin flew down to pursue the couple, Benedict, seeing his chance, leapt down onto his back, struggling to control Collins flight against his will while repeatedly smacking him in the back of the head.
Amidst their mid-air acrobatics, Millie grabbed Moxxie's face, their eyes meeting with lustful grins. Locked in their embrace, they passionately kissed while spinning above the stage. Millie skillfully pulled two machine guns from Moxxie's coat, the bullets flying haphazardly, claiming the lives of various audience members in the first two rows, yet miraculously missing Lyle. Blitzo, who's still up on the catwalk, spots Millies bra and Moxxies bow tie fly past him.
Lyle, filled with sudden clarity, exclaimed, "It's all starting to make sense now! Life is worth living because we only get one! We must cherish it!" Imps and cherubs fighting was reflected on his glasses. "If creatures far beyond this living world are going through these lengths over my life, then certainly it's worth living! Killing myself is not the answer! Plus… I'm still rich! I can just buy all the things!" He triumphantly brandished two wads of cash. "I NO LONGER CRAVE DEATH!" he proclaimed, much to the delight of the clapping audience, with one of the audience members being caught by a stray bullet.
Blitzo, running along the metal scaffolding with his flintlock pistol, jumped onto a piece of scaffolding supporting spotlights attached to the ceiling by a rope. Blitzo and Cletus found themselves pointing their weapons at each other. However, Blitzo's shock grew as he realized his gun was empty. With a wide-eyed glance at Cletus, Blitzo threw the flintlock pistol into Cletus' face.
"Oof! You fucker!" Cletus grumbled, temporarily blinded by the impact. In his moment of disorientation, Cletus recklessly fired an arrow, severing the rope supporting the scaffolding on which Blitzo stood, and which Millie and Moxxie were still bound to by the rope they were swinging on.
The scaffolding, with Moxxie, Millie, and Blitzo still attached, crashed onto the stage, narrowly avoiding the pianist. The impact comically bent a board, propping up the piano at an odd angle.
The pianist, startled by the sudden turn of events, ceased playing and straightened his bow tie. He then dropped his stool onto the stage and used it to gracefully descend from the bent floorboard. As the pianist made his escape, the bent board launched the piano into the air. Blitzo, Benedict, who was still on Collins back, Moxxie, Millie, Cletus, Collin, and Keenie followed the piano's trajectory with wide eyes.
Lyle turned to witness the oncoming piano and let out a high-pitched scream. He scrambled out of his bed and into a nearby seat, narrowly escaping the impending disaster. Unfortunately for him, the piano suddenly changed course, heading straight for his new location and crushing both him and a few corpses strewn about, victims of Moxxie and Millie's chaotic shooting spree.
Moxxie grinned mischievously as he sat tied up next to Millie, while Blitzo and the couple wore smug expressions.
"Well, well. Would'ya looook at that?" Moxxie taunted. "You... did our job... for us. Heh!"
Millie smirked and defiantly extended her middle fingers towards the cherubs.
In the next scene, the cherubs stared at Lyle's tragic demise in utter shock, and Collin gasped in horror, accidentally making Benedict lose his grip and, with a yelp, fall to the stage below with a thud.
"Ohhhh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! Oh, my Gooood!" Collin exclaimed, overwhelmed.
Keenie, grabbing Collin by the shirt, snapped him out of his distress by slapping him across the face repeatedly. "Get a hold of yourself, Collin! And do NOT use the Lord's name in VAIN!"
With anger evident in his voice, Cletus declared, "This... isn't over!"
Blitzo, Moxxie, and Millie smirked triumphantly, Benedict still dazed from the fall, as Keenie summoned a portal to Heaven. The cherubs eagerly flew through, only to be mysteriously repelled back.
"WHAT THE-?!" Cletus exclaimed in disbelief.
Descending from above, a group of cherubs emerged, consisting of two bees, two sheep, and their leader, Deerie. Deerie conjured up reading glasses and held a clipboard, appearing as an authority figure.
"Mmm, yeah, no, sorry, Cletus." Deerie announced condescendingly. "But I'm afraid your actions resulted in the death of a human. I'm afraid you can't re-enter Heaven. Yeaaaah, noooo..."
Cletus, Collin, and Keenie collectively expressed their disbelief, exclaiming, "WHAT?!"
"Yeaaaah, mmmmm, sorry! Yeaaaah, no..." Deerie replied, Waving her hoof dismissively.
Collin, desperate for a solution, asked, "Is there... anything we can do?!"
Deerie calmly filed her hoof. "Yeaaaah, nooo!" She stated with a chuckle. "Noooo, no, no."
Deerie pointed her hooves at Collin, Cletus, and Keenie, emphasizing their fate.
Keenie, still hopeful, stammered, "Bu- But, we didn't mean to! We'd never! It was all-" She pointed towards the spot where I.M.P. had been, only to discover their absence. The three cherubs stared wide-eyed, Keenie's trembling hand still pointing, while the sound of a horrified woman screaming played in the background.
Ignoring their pleas, Deerie bid them farewell, cheerfully waving before she and her group vanished through the portal.
Cletus, filled with desperation, attempted to fly towards the closed portal, only to watch it disappear before his eyes. Overwhelmed, he broke down into tears and cried uncontrollably.
...
Blitzo clapped his hands together. "Welp, the old man wanted to live again and we didn't kill him, so we failed." He lamented, looking out the hole in the wall. "Thanks to those fuckin' cherubs, he's probably up in Heaven now, so... It's a shame. All our client wanted was eternal revenge on his business partner. And now the two are forever separated, and now we gotta face the fire of fuckin' up."
"Why would he be in heaven?" Benedict points out, sitting at the far end of the table. "Loopty admitted to them experimenting on the poor. And he's already greedy as is, doesn't seem like heaven material to me."
"Eh, shut the fuck up, Benny. Besides, I already sent him a text, and we're in good hands, 'cause texts don't make people angry." Blitzo explained, showing his phone. On his phone, it showed that Loopty Goopty was called "Lupis" in his contacts. The text from Loopty read, "U fail, U die," followed by Blitzo's reply, "sorry," surrounded by emojis, with "saxophone emoji" typed a line below. Moxxie looked worriedly at the wall behind him and quickly scurried out of the way as a metal escalator crashed into the office.
Descending the escalator, Loopty shouted, "BLIIIIIITZO!"
Blitzo, worried, called out, "Loofaaaaa! We can explain everything. I was-"
Another metal escalator crashed through the wall, squashing Moxxie as Lyle, now a mechanical demon with piano keys for teeth and a rolling ball in place of legs, arrived with a grin. Moxxie twitched stiffly in pain.
Blitzo and Millie, confused, exclaimed, "Lyle Lipton?!"
Millie expressed her confusion. "I don't understand. We thought you went to Heaven."
Lyle chuckled. "Heaven?! You don't make millions in technological advances in robotics by NOT experimenting on the poor!" He replied.
"Told you so." Benedict said, causing Blitzo to squirt at him with a bottle labeled "Piss", causing him to flinch.
"Oh, you no-good, HEARTLESS son of a BITCH!" Loopty happily yelled at Lyle, before turning to Blitzo. "Thank you for reuniting me with my best friend!"
Lyle contemplated their situation. "The only question now is what do two old genius robotic inventors do now that we're in Hell?"
Suddenly, Wally Wackford crashed through the ceiling. "Did someone say, I say, inventors?! Name's Wally Wackford, and I am lookin' for creative new people to exploit!" He realized what he said and twirled his mustache. "I mean, employyyyy~"
Blitzo couldn't contain his frustration. "Everyone, STOP FUCKIN' UP MY WALLS! Benedict & Moxxie are gonna have to fix all this shit!" Moxxie was still trapped under Lyles staircase, frothing at the mouth, and groaning in agony.
"I'll go grab the duct tape." Benedict walked out of the room in search of wall repair supplies.
Blitzo sighed. "Oh, chill out, Moxxie. If you kiss my ass any harder, you'll go right inside me. Satan's balls! First, we deal with Heaven's table-scraps, now this?"
Wally attempted a joke. "I guess... you can say, you say, you have a... holey operation here, Blitzo!" He pronounced it as spelled and slapped his knee, laughing. Loopty scratched his neck awkwardly.
Blitzo, unamused, demanded, "Get out."
Wally continued laughing, doubling over onto the floor. Lyle and Loopty glanced at each other awkwardly.
"Oh! I say, oh!" Wally exclaimed.
Blitzo's patience ran thin. "No, I'm serious. Get the FUCK OUT!" He yelled angrily.
A/N: Another chapter! I'll admit, I struggled to find good ways to include Benedict into this, but it hopefully wasn't too bad. I have some better ideas for next chapter though, so it'll hopefully be better. Again, any feedback is appreciated.