"Woo! Fuck yeah! Independence day!" Blitzo yelled enthusiastically, storming into the office carrying a massive box of fireworks, which he haphazardly tossed on the ground.

"You really wan't to set of fireworks inside of a building?" Benedict asked incredulously, looking up from his desk and typewriter that had been shoved in the corner. "Do I need to tell you why that's a bad idea?"

Blitzo spun around, his eyes gleaming mischievously. "Lighten up, Benny! It's Independence Day! We deserve a break from the killing and all that boring stuff." He replied, grinning from ear to ear.

At this point, Moxxie and Millie entered from the break room, both holding matching coffee mugs. Moxxie glanced at the box of fireworks, a mix of excitement and concern crossing his face. "Uh, guys, are we seriously doing this? Inside?"

Millie, always up for a bit of chaos, grinned and plopped down on the couch. "Why not? It's not like the building hasn't seen worse."

"Exactly! Listen to your hoe, Mox!" Blitzo kneeled down, lighter in hand, holding it right over the fuse.

Benedict sighed, shaking his head in disapproval. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but fine. Just make sure you don't blow up the entire office."

Blitzo chuckled, flicking the lighter and igniting the fuse. As the sparks traveled towards the fireworks, the room was suddenly filled with a vibrant explosion of colors and a cacophony of popping sounds. The air became thick with smoke, making it difficult to see or breathe.

Coughing and waving away the smoke, Moxxie protested, "Blitzo, I can't believe you convinced me to go along with this!"

Amidst the chaos, the office door swung open, revealing a tall figure dressed in a sophisticated suit. He exuded an air of authority, his piercing gaze fixed upon the chaotic scene. He had pale skin, messy hair, well trimmed mustache, and a 1800's style suit, coupled with a messy tie.

He took in a breath to speak, probably to say something important, but quickly choked on the thick smoke.

Benedict, ever the responsible one, rushed to open a window and let the smoke dissipate. As the room cleared, the mysterious figure regained his composure and straightened his suit, glaring at the disheveled members of I.M.P.

"Good lord, what is the meaning of this ridiculous display?" He finally managed to say, his voice dripping with disdain.

"FUCK YEAH, 'MURICA!" Blitzo yelled sticking his arms in the air, before collapsing.

Benedict cleared his throat, trying to regain some semblance of professionalism. "Apologies for the... enthusiasm. We were just celebrating Independence Day." He said, motioning to the still-smoking fireworks.

The mysterious figure raised an eyebrow, clearly unimpressed. "Independence Day? Hmph. I suppose that's to be expected from a group like yours. I am John Wilkes Booth, Sinner and Overlord." He introduced himself, his eyes narrowing slightly as he assessed the team.

Blitzo perked up at the mention of a client, his attention momentarily diverted from the smoldering fireworks. "Well, well, well! Looks like Lady Luck has graced us with a client. Who do ya' want dead, cum-skin?"

John Wilkes Booth's lips curled into a slight grimace at Blitzo's crass remark. "I have a most intriguing target for you." He said, stepping forward and pulling out a vintage photograph from inside his suit jacket. "This man goes by the name of Abraham Lincoln."

Benedict and the rest of the crew looked at the photo with surprise. "Wait, Abraham Lincoln? The former U.S. president?" Moxxie asked, raising an eyebrow. "He's dead."

John Wilkes Booth nodded solemnly. "Indeed. He has been resurrected by the government as a Cyborg, equipped to hunt and kill vampires, much to my annoyance."

Millie leaned forward, her curiosity piqued. "Why would the government do that?"

"I suspect it's because they are still salty about the Civil War." John Wilkes Booth replied with a smirk. "But that's beside the point. I want you to eliminate him before he kills my Vampire brethren."

"Wait, vampires are real? And they fought in the civil war?" Moxxie looked confused. "Isn't that the plot of some movie?"

"Documentary." Blitzo corrected, turning to Booth. "So let me get this straight, cum stain. You want us to kill a resurrected, cyborg, vampire hunting Lincoln?"

John Wilkes Booth nodded, his expression serious. "Precisely. I need him out of the picture before he eradicates all of us vampires. It's a matter of survival."

Blitzo smirked, his excitement rekindled. "Oh, don't worry, Mr. Booth. We're the best in the business. We'll take down ol' Honest Abe, no problem."

Moxxie hesitated, still unsure about the whole situation. "But, uh, isn't Lincoln kind of an American icon? Won't people be upset if we... you know... kill him?"

"Oh, don't worry about that, Moxxie," Benedict chimed in, his grumpy tone taking on a hint of amusement. "We're already in Hell, so there's not much more they can do to us. Besides, I'm sure the whole 'killing a famous historical figure' thing will blow over eventually."

John Wilkes Booth seemed pleased with his response. "Very well then, I shall leave it in your capable hands. Just make sure it's done discreetly." He transformed into a small black bat, flying through the window, which he of course had to smash.

"Discretion is our middle name!" Blitzo exclaimed, though he was too hazy from the lingering fireworks smoke to realize the irony of his statement.

. . .

The I.M.P crew hid in some bushes, surveying a concrete bunker entrance, that had two guards outside it, one with a well trimmed mustache, and the other muttonchops, in the black, three piece suits common of government agents.

"How are we going to get past them?" Moxxie asked nervously.

Blitzo grinned mischievously. "Oh, don't panic, Max, I got a plan." He then proceeded to tell the others his plan, causing Moxxie to look worried, Millie to seem excited, and Benedict to clutch his temple, exasperated.

"This is the worst idea you've ever had." Benedict remarked. "And that says a lot."

. . .

Benedict grumbled as he mounted the 'Horse', which was actually just Blitzo, Millie and Moxxie in a bad horse costume. "This is going to go horribly wrong." He muttered. He wore a traditional colonial general outfit, complete with tricorne hat and musket. Blitzo, Millie, and Moxxie, hidden inside the horse costume, were trying their best to keep their balance and not topple over. The plan, if you could even call it that, was to approach the guards outside the bunker, hoping they would assume Benedict was a higher-ranking official.

Blitzo, acting as the front end of the horse, tried to keep a straight face. "Oh, come on, Benny-boy! It's a foolproof plan. They'll never suspect a thing!"

The guards looked at the bizarre sight with a mix of confusion and disbelief. The one with the well-trimmed mustache raised an eyebrow. "What in tarnation is that?"

"Greetings, good sirs!" Benedict greeted in a poor, exaggerated colonial american accent. "I am General Benedict Lafayette Washington of the continental army, and seek entrance into yonder establishment."

"Call the time machine guys. I think one one of their subjects broke containment again." The muttonchops guard told the other one.

The well-trimmed mustache guard nodded in agreement. "Indeed, this is getting stranger by the minute. Should we call for backup?"

Benedict glanced at Blitzo, who was struggling to keep the horse costume intact, and sighed. "No need for backup, gentlemen. We come in peace and seek an audience with the great Abraham Lincoln."

The guards exchanged a bewildered look, clearly unsure of how to handle the situation. After a moment of silence, the muttonchops guard shrugged. "Well, it's not like anything normal happens around here anyway. You may proceed, General Benedict Lafayette Washington, and... horse?"

Blitzo, his voice muffled by the horse costume, chimed in, "Neigh! I mean, thank you kindly, good sirs!"

With the guards stepping aside, the I.M.P crew, or rather the horse, trotted forward towards the entrance of the bunker. Once they were out of earshot, Moxxie couldn't help but voice his concerns. "This is insane, Blitzo! How did you even come up with this plan?"

Blitzo chuckled, his eyes glinting mischievously. "Well, Moxxie, I have a wild imagination and a complete lack of common sense. It's a winning combination, really."

"You're just mad you're the arse, Moxxie." Benedict sarcastically remarked.

They entered the bunker, the horse costume brushing against the walls and making awkward squeaking noises. As they made their way through the dimly lit corridors, they could hear the distant clanking of metal and the sound of mechanical gears.

Eventually, they reached a large, hangar like door, labeled "A.B.R.A.H.A.M" and underneath, "Awesome, Bitchin', Really Amazing, Hot, Aboveboard Man". Blitzo, upon seeing this, burst into uncontrollable laughter, causing the horse costume to collapse, and for the imp crew to scatter across the ground.

Benedict sighed, shaking his head in exasperation. "Honestly, Blitzo, could you be any more childish?"

Blitzo managed to compose himself, wiping away tears of laughter. "Sorry, Benny. It's just too damn funny. Whoever came up with that acronym deserves a raise!"

Moxxie rolled his eyes and helped Millie to her feet. "We're supposed to be on a mission here, not fooling around."

As this happened, Benedict managed to shove open the door slightly, allowing them entrance into the room.

It was circular, and high tech, with the walls of the room not covered with technological doohickeys having windows leading into rooms with more computers and machines.

In the center, lying in a large, upright metal pod with a clear front, was cyborg Lincoln. He was clearly Lincoln, still dressed in his signature suit and top hat, but he had several cybernetic augmentations. These included a mechanical, glowing red left eye, a metal right arm and hand, his left hand replaced with a silver hatchet, and a small metal smokestack sticking out of the left side of his hat.

Blitzo whistled, eyeing the cyborg Lincoln with both admiration and amusement. "Well, well, well, look at Honest Abe go all Iron Man on us. I gotta admit, I'm kinda impressed."

Millie elbowed him playfully. "You're just jealous because you don't have a cool metal arm, B."

"Jealous? Nah, I'm just imagining all the fun we're gonna have when we take him down," Blitzo replied with a mischievous grin. "And besides, we all know they gave him a robo dick. Why else do they call him the adulterator?"

"Nobody calls him that." Benedict points out, exasperated.

Blitzo shrugged. "Well, they should! It's a missed opportunity, really."

Benedict let out an exasperated sigh, shaking his head at Blitzo's inappropriate humor. "Can we please focus on the task at hand? We need to find a way to deactivate the cyborg Lincoln and fulfill our client's request."

Millie, ever the optimist, scanned the room for any control panels or buttons. "I bet there's a self-destruct button somewhere. That's usually how these things go, right?"

Moxxie raised an eyebrow at her suggestion. "Millie, I highly doubt they would install a self-destruct button in a highly classified government facility. That's just asking for trouble."

Blitzo, who had been absentmindedly inspecting the pod, suddenly perked up at the mention of a self-destruct button. "Oh, I've seen plenty of self-destruct buttons in movies. They're always hidden in the most obvious places."

He began pressing random buttons and flipping switches on the control panels scattered around the room, hoping to stumble upon the elusive self-destruct button. The lights flickered, and the room started to vibrate ominously.

Benedict's eyes widened in alarm. "Blitz, what the hell are you doing? We don't need the entire facility blowing up!"

Millie and Moxxie exchanged worried glances as the vibrations grew stronger, causing loose objects to rattle and fall off shelves. "Sir, please, for the love of Satan, stop pressing buttons!" Moxxie pleaded, grabbing onto a nearby console for stability.

But it was too late. Suddenly, an alarm blared throughout the facility, red warning lights flashing everywhere. Klaxons echoed through the halls, and the ground beneath them shook violently.

As the dust settled, they heard a deep, mechanical voice emanating from the pod. "Intruders detected. Engaging defensive protocols. Threat level: high."

Benedict narrowed his eyes at Blitzo. "Well, congratulations, Blitzo. You've not only alerted the entire facility, but you've also activated the cyborg Lincoln's defense systems. What's your next brilliant plan?"

Blitzo scratched his head sheepishly, his mischievous grin replaced by a look of mild panic. "Uh... run?"

The imp crew started to book it for the door, only for it to slam shut, also catching Blitzo's tail in it.

"Ow! Fuck! Mother christ sucking on a dick that hurts!" He painfully yelled, yanking his tail out from between the doors.

Lincoln climbed out from the pod, his limbs whirring as they moved. "Trespassers detected. Prepare to be ema-a-a-ancipated." He menacingly said in a deep, robotic tone, pulling out a repeater and holding it in one hand.

"Fuck." Was all Benedict had to say, before Lincoln charged at him with surprising agility, narrowly missing him with his axe as Benedict ducked at the last second.

He drew his own weapon, a 18th century rapier that came with the outfit, but was abruptly kicked by Lincoln, sending him flying across the room. Moxxie tried unloading into Lincoln, but the bullets did little else but direct Lincolns annoyance to him, deflecting off his bulletproof suit.

While Moxxie was struggling to evade Lincoln's relentless attacks, Millie took a more direct approach. She leapt at the cyborg president, swinging her oversized mace with all her strength. But Lincoln smacked her out of the air before she could hit him, launching her through one of the windows, into a room filled with various screens and computers.

The other three imps could be seen getting thrown around and fighting Lincoln as Millie got up and looked around. In front of her, facing towards the center of the room, was a large control panel, with a vast array of buttons and switches, labeled "A.B.R.A.H.A.M Control Panel."

"That's convenient." She remarked, running over to the thing and smacking the closest button. Immediately, Lincoln sparked and glitched slight, before bellowing out, "Patriotism mode: Activated". He pulled out a grenade launcher and started firing off explosives in random directions, while shouting patriotic slogans such as "FUCK YEAH! 'MURICA!".

"Uhhh, this one!" Millie smacked another random, unlabeled button causing Lincoln to stop and twitch again. "Midlife Crisis mode: Activated."

Lincoln's voice changed, becoming slightly whinier and filled with existential despair. He dropped his grenade launcher and clutched his mechanical head in his one non-axe hand. "What is the purpose of life? Why do I exist? Is this all there is? How do I emancipate this student loan debt?!" The I.M.P crew continued stabbing, shooting and trying to hurt Lincoln during this, all of which he seemed to ignore.

"Now ah' just feel bad." Millie said sadly, pushing another button. Lincoln immediately stops wallowing and straightens out. "Puppy love mode: Activated."

In Puppy Love mode, Lincoln's demeanor shifted drastically. He dropped his weapons and gazed at the I.M.P crew with wide, innocent eyes, a robotic smile forming on his face. "Oh golly, you guys are so cool! I just want to give you all hugs and kisses!"

Moxxie, still recovering from Lincoln's attacks, cautiously approached him. "Uh, Mr. Lincoln? Are you feeling alright?"

Lincoln jumped with excitement, his mechanical voice now filled with enthusiasm. "Oh, I'm feeling better than ever! Life is just so wonderful! Let's all be friends forever and have a picnic together!"

Benedict, still nursing a few bruises from his previous encounters, eyed the control panel skeptically. "Millie, are you sure you should be messing with that thing? We need to deactivate him, not put him in some weird mood."

Millie shrugged, flipping another switch. "Okay, let's try... This one."

Lincoln sparked slightly. "Flirtation mode: Activated." He said robotically, before turning to Millie. "Hello there, my lovely little imp. Care to join me for a night at the theater? We could watch the stars twinkle and whisper sweet nothings in each other's ears."

Millie unexpectedly blushed a bit. "While, that's uh.. Lovely, Mr. President, ah'm married." She hit another button.

Lincoln's voice changed again. "Rejection mode: Activated." He replied, his tone now bitter and resentful. "Oh, so you're married? Just like Mary Todd, huh? I see how it is. Fine, go back to your husband and live your happily-ever-after while I'm stuck in this mechanical hell."

Millie winced, feeling a pang of guilt. "Uh, sorry about that, Mr. Lincoln. I didn't mean to upset you."

Blitzo, who had been recovering from his fight with Lincoln, chuckled and sauntered up to Lincoln. "Hey there, Honest Abe. How about you and me have a little tête-à-tête? I promise you won't regret it."

Lincoln reached over through the shattered window to the panel and smacked a button. "Gay mode: Activated." He said, before turning back to Blitzo. "Well, hello there, handsome devil. I must admit, I've always had a weakness for charming imps like yourself. Let's see where this forbidden romance takes us."

Benedict let out an exasperated sigh, shaking his head. "I can't believe I'm witnessing this. Is there any mode in that panel that can make him stop flirting with everyone?"

Millie hurriedly pressed a button, hoping to find a solution. "Um, maybe this one?"

Suddenly, Lincoln's voice changed once again. "Punchline mode: Activated." He grinned mischievously, his robotic eyes scanning the room. "Why did the imp crew cross the road? To get away from my terrible pick-up lines!"

Blitzo burst into laughter, clutching his stomach. "Oh, damn, Lincoln! You got me there! I can't handle your robo-humor!"

Moxxie groaned, facepalming. "Seriously, Millie? We're in the middle of a chaotic fight, and you activate punchline mode?"

Lincoln, still in punchline mode, continued with his comedic banter. "Why did Moxxie refuse to eat the pancakes? Because he was too short-stacked!" Blitzo fell over, rolling on the floor and wheezing.

Moxxie shot Lincoln an annoyed look. "Oh, real original. You think you're funny, huh?"

Benedict, who had been silently observing the chaos unfold, couldn't help but shake his head in disbelief. "This is a complete and utter disaster. We were supposed to complete a mission, and now we're stuck dealing with a cyborg Lincoln who can't stop cracking jokes."

Just as Benedict finished his sentence, Lincoln's voice suddenly switched to a calm and serious tone. "Sarcasm mode: Activated."

"Millie!" Benedict angrily yelled, looking over and seeing Millie's hand innocently on a button. He climbed into the control room with Millie.

"You try ah'n not hit a big red button!" She defended herself, hitting another button.

"Mockery Mode: Activated" Lincoln deadpanned, before turning towards Benedict.

Benedict glared at Millie, frustration evident in his eyes. "I can't believe you, Millie. You just had to mess with that button, didn't you?"

Lincoln, now in Mockery Mode, began imitating Benedict's serious demeanor, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "Oh, I'm General Benedict Lafayette Washington, the most serious and important member of the I.M.P crew. I don't have time for fun or jokes, because I'm too busy being a grumpy old man."

"Old m- I'm 23! I'm pretty sure I'm the youngest here!" Benedict sputtered out indignantly.

Blitzo, who had recovered from his laughing fit, chimed in, unable to resist the opportunity to tease Benedict further. "Oh, come on, Benny-boy! Don't be so hard on yourself. We all know you secretly enjoy a good laugh. Maybe you just need to loosen up a bit."

Benedict's eyes narrowed, his patience wearing thin. "I'll have you know that I can appreciate humor just as much as the next person. But there's a time and place for everything, and right now, we're dealing with a malfunctioning cyborg Lincoln!"

Lincoln, still in Mockery Mode, raised an eyebrow and continued to imitate Benedict. "Oh, there's a time and place for everything. Let's not have any fun or enjoy ourselves. Let's just be boring and serious all the time."

Blitzo burst into laughter again, clutching his stomach. "Oh, Lincoln, you really know how to push Benny's buttons!"

Benedict's patience finally snapped. He reached behind him, unholstering his musket and aiming it directly at the control panel. "That's it! I've had enough of this mockery and chaos!"

Without a second thought, Benedict fired his musket, hitting the control panel with a resounding blast. Sparks flew, and the room fell silent as the lights flickered.

As the dust settled, the room fell into an eerie silence. The control panel had gone dark, and the effects of Lincoln's various modes seemed to wear off, leaving the cyborg president standing still, no longer able to imitate or mock.

"Self destruct Mode: Activated." The former president sputtered out, and began counting down. "180... 179... 178..."

The I.M.P crew's eyes widened in horror as the realization of their impending doom set in. They scrambled to their feet, desperately searching for an exit.

Blitzo, his face pale, quickly snapped out of his laughter-induced daze. "Okay, okay, we need to get out of here, like, now!"

Benedict cursed under his breath, his grumpy demeanor temporarily replaced by panic. He grabbed Millie and Moxxie by their collars, pulling them towards the nearest exit. "Move your asses, imps! We don't have time to waste!"

Blitzo couldn't resist one last laugh, however, and quickly ran to the now stationary Lincoln and looked down his pants. "I knew he had a robo dick!" He yelled out triumphantly, before joining the others.

The group sprinted through the hallways, dodging falling debris and racing against the ticking clock. Lincoln's booming voice continued to count down the seconds, creating a sense of impending doom.

"Nine... eight... seven..." Lincoln's voice echoed through the facility, growing louder and more ominous.

Just then, they managed to reach the same exit they came in from, booking it past the two very confused guards.

"What the fu-" The muttonchops one started to ask, before being shoved over by Blitzo. Moxxie, Millie and Benedict, meanwhile, were making a portal as fast as they could, completing it in a flash and jumping in.

Blitzo glanced back at the self-destructing bunker and yelled, "Hey, Lincoln! I hope your punchline mode includes a good one-liner about blowing up!"

With that, he cannon balled into the portal, as Lincolns booming voice counted down in the distance.

"2... 1... 0." He finished. The muttonchops guard tensed up, expecting to be exploded, but only heard a faint bang in the distance.

"I don't know what you expected." The mustache guard told him, calmly standing still. "He's a cyborg, not a nuclear bomb."

"I just expected something more... Climactic." The muttonchops guard responded, getting up. "Honestly, I'm kind of disappointed I didn't get vaporized."

A/N: Okay, I originally didn't plan to release this on the fourth of July, but the timing was so good I couldn't resist, and as such, have now spent my whole day working on it. Ah well. Granted, it is a bit shorter than I'd like, but regardless, I think it turned out okay.