Total Drama Endless, Episode One, Part One
...
The camera's flash and Conner O'Gleeson, the newest host of Total Drama grins.
"Welcome back!" He chirps "Glad to see you again. It's about that time we introduce the players who will be accompanying me this season. We're very excited about it aren't we Jeremy?"
Jeremey gurgles something off screen and Conner laughs.
"This game's seen it's fair share of memorable casts but this one's special to me and to me personally. Mainly because I'm the one in charge of them, but it also might have something to do with this being one of most diverse character rosters in the history of this game. I thought we'd do a special introduction for a special cast. So, instead of greeting them one on one here in my little studio slash starship hanger get up…"
He walks out of frame. When he reappears, he's was standing in the centre stage of a large indoor stadium. Offscreen he's changed into a sparkling gold tuxedo.
"… I'll be introducing them here! Live at the Staples Center in beautiful Los Angeles, California!" he calls in the bleachers "HOW DO YOU GUYS LIKE THAT IDEA!?"
All around him the stadium erupts into noise, the sound of thousands of cheering fans.
"YEAH! Though you guys might approve, although if you didn't, I can't imagine why you'd show up?"
Laughter from the audience. Conner grins.
"Man, I hate Total Drama and everything it stands for. But give me a chance to see Conner, I'm there"
More laughter as well as some cheering. Conner points into the audience. "This guy's cheering that! He came for me and me alone! What a coincidence that I only came here to see him!" Conner and the audience laugh again "No, I wish that was true, in actuality I showed up today to meet that kid behind him. The one that's asleep." Another break for laughter "But me and my new friends will get to hang out later. In the meantime, how about, I introduce you all to some other friends of mine; the cast of this season of TOTAL DRAMA!?"
The audience goes wild. Conner basks in their energy like a reptile under the sun. No doubt in his element.
"Yeah! Let's see if we can give them the welcome these guys deserve, everybody start clapping!"
Most the audience does as their told filling the space with a thunderous sound of anticipation. Hidden smoke machines cloud the center stage in an opaque mist.
"That's what I'm talking about! Our first contestant hails from across the pond, He's interested in gaming culture, Hawaiian shirts, and's he's completely immune to internet drama, lucky, lucky. Everyone make some noise for Letsplay Lenny!"
A pudgy British man of about thirty-five walks out of the mist waving. Then audience cheers as he walks over and shakes Conner's hand.
"Hello you…" He says with a placid smile
"Hello your own self! Thanks for coming on the show" Says Conner. Ecstatically shaking the man's hand.
"My pleasure"
"So Lenny, now I have to ask this? What makes an average brit like yourself drop everything and decided to travel the multiverse?"
"Easy one there Conner. All you need do need to do is give me a chance to meet some video game heroines in real life and I'm there" He pauses then flashes Conner a sly grin. "Of course, the money is quite the factor as well"
Conner laughs.
"I hope so! I'd be more concerned if it didn't! Lenny you think you've got a chance to last long enough to win it?"
"If it's anything like outlasting everyone on my community over at Team Amazing then it should be a breeze" He boasts.
Conner chuckles again then slaps Lenny on the back.
"Alright Lenny! Stop! For the love of god STOP! LA can only take so much more ego! Here go stand over there and temper yourself for a while"
Lenny nods and walks off stage. Conner composes himself and turns back to the audience.
"Next up, she's a tough as rocks girl with cool mood and a cool hue. Give it up for Amethyst!"
A stout purple skinned woman with lavender hair runs out of the mist with her arms above her head.
"Yo what up nerds! Let's do this!" She calls to the masses. Conner has to cut her off before she runs off stage.
"Whoa, whoa!" He says. "Amethyst, where you going?"
Amethyst spins around. "Uh… where to you think fool? I'm on my way to win this thing!"
She calls out the last three words in a falsetto. The audience applauds. Conner however gives her a demanding look. "Well not so fast. We're not getting this puppy started until everyone's done an interview."
Amethyst groans. "Dude, Seriously?"
"Yes seriously." Insists Conner. "The test audiences were very specific about that."
"Ugh. Fine. What do you want to know?"
"So, I hear you're an alien from outer space?" Inquires Conner.
"Actually, I'm from here on Earth dude." She corrects.
"Okay. Point taken. But that doesn't change the fact that you're not human."
"Yeah… no. I'm a Gem. We've got rock powers or some junk. Hey? ANYONE WANNA SEE MY ROCK POWERS!?"
She bellows into the crowd. They cheer.
"Well too bad! You'll have to watch the rest of the show suckahs! Don't worry I'll be in every episode 'cause I'm winning this thing nerds!
More applause from the audience. Amethyst bows.
"That enough interview for you host guy?"
Conner shrugs. "I mean, I guess. I've got twenty-five more players to go through."
"Sweet!" Exclaims Amethyst. And she bonds off the stage with the energy of a young child. Conner adjusts his bow tie before introducing the next contestant.
"… She's an esteemed master of the martial arts but that's not what makes her so popular on the internet. Please welcome, Master Tigress!"
A bipedal tiger woman dressed in a sleeveless Kung Fu uniform walks into to view She smiles and bows to the audience.
"Tigress!" Exclaims Conner. "Can I call you Tigress?"
"Master Tigress." She says, her voice clear and commanding. "I didn't spend a life training in the sacred arts of Kung fu to have my title ignored."
"Of course." Says Conner. Bending down in a respectable bow. "Kung fu master. No doubt a very disciplined lifestyle. Which of course mean I have to ask what you're doing here on a reality show?"
She opens her mouth to speak but Conner interrupts her.
"Money troubles at the local dojo?" He quips.
She gives Conner a look. He grins apologetically.
"As it so happens..." Replies Tigress coolly. "The Valley of Peace has been rather peaceful at late. So, the Dragon Warrior himself recommended I take the opportunity for some time off. I doubt he meant traveling to a land of incredible technology and hairless apes…" She gives him another look. "But life is indeed strange that way."
Conner merely nods and gestures her off stage. When she's out of sight he wipes his brow.
"Good lord. She's much more terrifying up close." He changes his tone completely. "Unlike our next contestant! Short, Sweet, six years old's and currently wondering if she's living in her classmate's delusions. Susie Derkins!"
A first grader with short brown hair and overalls walks up, she waves at the crowd somewhat nervously. Conner knees down to shake her hand.
"Hi Susie."
"Hello" Says Susie someone timidly before looking around. "Am I supposed to have adult supervision or something?"
"What for?" Conner asks incredulously. "You're what? Six years old? You'll be fine."
Cries of concern from the audience. Conner calls up to them. "Alright! Alright! Just a joke! We're not really going to let anything happen to her alright?!"
He shakes his head.
"Lord the legacy Chris Mclean leaves behind. Soon as you take on the name Total Drama nobody trusts you. Anyway, you can run along now Susie."
"Um okay" Says Susie. And she scampers off the stage. Conner presses a hand to his chest and smiles.
"What a little sweet heart. I can't believe you people think we're going to mistreat her! I mean…" He laughs incredulously. "…what do think were going to do to her? Throw her of a thousand-foot cliff like the first season? I don't want to do that; I'd rather give her a hug.
Anyway, Next up's another little girl, this one I definitely would not recommend hugging. Especially if you enjoy keeping your arms. Wednesday Addams!"
Another girl this one a little older appears behind Susie. Her hair's done up in twin braids and everything she's wearing except the collar of her dress is black. She looks around at the crowd with dangerous contempt. She seems intend on ignoring Conner until he blocks her path sheepishly.
"What?" She demands in a dangerous monotone.
"Interview" Reminds Conner.
Wednesday stares at him in disgust.
"So, Wednesday. What brings you out of the shadows and onto our show" He asks?
"I suppose I want what all girl's my age want." Muses Wednesday.
"Which is what? Money?"
"Power." Wednesday leans in and grins nastily. "I'm going to win. And then I'm going to rub this in Pugsley's face until he's in his grave. And maybe sometime after that."
There's an awkward pause before Conner speaks again.
"Okay. Uh… That's all good. Now why don't you stand over there away from Susie. I told the audience I wouldn't let anything bad happen to her"
Wednesday smirks. "I make no promises" And with that she slinks away.
"Our next contestant…" Begins Conner. "Is something a shell of a man, or rather a man inside a shell, Bentley!"
A green skinned turtle in a wheelchair comes into view, making his way across the stage; his chair is wired with an array of complex looking gadgets.
"Mr O'Gleeson, what a pleasure!" He exclaims in a friendly but nasally voice.
"Yes, Nice to see you hear trying to earn money legally for once."
Bentley gulps and looks around before whispering to Conner.
"Um… you know of my uh… history?"
"Oh, I know lots things!" Conner laughs as he pats Bentley's wheel chair. "Just don't steal my prize money and it'll be fine"
"Fa! Even us thieves have at least a little honour." Exclaims Bentley indignantly. Before wheeling himself off the stage. Conner laughs and calls after him.
"Very impressive wheel chair there, I'm sure it'll be the envy of every mobility scooter cognisor in your local Walmart parking lot." He turns back to the audience. "But it takes an exceptional mechanic to maintain something like that. Fortunately, we've got one right here: Winry Rockbell, Everybody!"
A blonde girl in her mid to late teens bounds out of the mist, smiling at the audience. She bounds up to Conner eagerly. They shake hands.
"Winry, Welcome the show."
"Thanks. This is an impressive crowd you've got here. I don't think I've ever seen so many people in one place!"
"Yeah. Well… What can I say? LA's a big town. Don't get to attached though. It eats pretty little blonde girls like you alive."
Winry laughs. "Then thank goodness we're leaving."
"Tell me about it."
They both laugh.
"So Winry, I hear you're good with a wrench?"
"Good?" Winry scoffs. "Me and grandma make some of the best automail in Amestris! Heck where's that impressive flying machine I hear we'll be traveling in? I bet I could give it a tune up!"
"Be patient you'll see it soon. Just go stand over there." He gestures her off the stage and she walk's away looking a little disappointed. Conner once more turns his attention to his audience.
"Alright. We've got an animal and a mechanic, how about now we mix them together. Next up a foxy kinda of guy who really get's around. Miles "Tails" Prower!"
An anthropomorphic fox boy soars in to view, flying by the seat of his pants, or more specifically his two spinning tails.
"Hi everyone!"
Tails circles the area high fiving the crowd as he goes. Conner watches him impressed.
"Well somebody's clearing vying for fan favorite." Tails lands next to him and shrugs.
"Can't hurt to make a good first impression."
"I wouldn't know I usually squander mine." Jokes Conner. "You got one of those for your host as well?"
"Of course." Says Tails and he flies up and high tens Conner before sailing off. Conner fist pumps.
"Yeah! There we go. Nice to be included. Next up a person close to my heart. The coolest history teacher ever to walk the face of the Earth! Indiana Jones!"
A thunderous fanfare accompanies a man of about thirty onto stage, the man's button-down shirt, brown leather jacket and fedora suggest someone used field work, potentially an archeologist. Although if that his case the bullwhip seems an unusual accessory.
He waves uncertainly at the audience before shaking hands with Conner.
"Professor Henry Jones. I take it your Conner O'Gleeson." Says Indiana, rather gruffly.
"I take I am" Grins Conner. "So Professor. I'll admit I'm curious to know, what do you think the future?"
Indy give him an incredulous. "The Future?"
"Yeah, what do think?"
The archeologist adjusts the brim of his hat. Looks around the stadium then leans over to Conner.
"What the hell kind of magic artifact voodoo nonsense did you use to bring me into the future? What year is this?"
"Don't worry about it where not staying in this dimension anyway."
"What?"
"Let's give another round of round of applause for Indiana Jones everybody!" Cries Conner and the crowd complies happily. Giving Conner a minute to usher Indy (Who now looks more confused than ever) off the stage.
"You have to love the people you meet on this game" He says getting back into position. "Speaking of, here's another interesting lady, this one's a rock too, but lately she's feeling a little blue. Lapis Lazuli!"
A girl with blue hair, skin, and clothes walks into focus, clutching her shoulders and looking around at the crowd uncomfortably. Conner waves her over to him.
"Lapis! Welcome to the show!"
"Yeah hi." She mutters awkwardly. "Uh what's with the crowd of humans? I thought this was going to be at a summer camp, like Camp Pining Hearts?"
"Well you see, much as everyone likes the camp seasons it was decided there's more potential taking the show on the road. Anyway, Lapis, you're from the Gem Homeworld? What's that like?
"I don't want to talk about it. Why'd you take away the summer camp if everyone liked it?"
"First of all, Chris sunk the summer camp in season five alright? Secondly, summer camps aren't my thing. I'm more of a remotes kind of guy you know? Going places, filming on location, acquiring a massive starship and traveling the multiverse. So, you know, It was figured if Conner's here instead of Chris, they let's frame the season around something Conner would do instead of what Chris would?
"What happened to Chris anyway? Why isn't he the host any more?"
Conner gives her a look of mock offense. "What I'm not good enough for you?"
Lapis suddenly looks flustered.
"I didn't say that! I just… was expecting something different."
"Yeah. You and the Mclean fans." Joke Conner. He grins at her as she walks away embarrassed. Then he turns back to the crowd.
"Doesn't really take a joke, does she? Lovely colour though I must say. Brings to mind the Ocean, which coincidentally is where or next contestant's from. Please welcome, Perky!"
A mermaid with teal hair's the next to emerge, she's piloting a fish bowl on wheels with a long stick to propels herself forward. She blows kisses to the audience as she crosses the stage.
"Hello everyone!" She beams.
"Yeah. That's more like it!" Says Conner stepping over to her. "You're not going to ask me awkward questions about the season are you Perky?"
"Of course not! This is what I wanted! Fame and glory!" She waves to the crowd again basking in their attention.
"Now Perky you were a late addition to the cast. Strange one two. Lot of famous characters here this season and yet I don't think anyone's ever met you?"
"Well there about to!" Perky laughs. "Just you wait. I'm gonna biggest impact of all this season!"
"Great I like the confidence!" Says Conner and he sends her off.
"They say beware the quiet ones, but for this one I find that hard considering she's more focused on bewaring us. Don't make some noise for Fluttershy! Seriously don't, you'll spook her."
A pastel coloured pony with doe eyes timidly comes into view. She keeps her head down, fearfully hiding behind her wavy pink mane. A few audience members applaud quietly.
"Fluttershy hey." Conner kneels down next to her. "Welcome to the show. What's the matter stage fright?
Fluttershy smiles timidly.
"Um... Yes… Just maybe a little."
"Alright well, I'm supposed to an interview with all the contestants. It's kind of my thing, do you mind."
Fluttershy gulps.
"Oh. Actually yes... Sorry to disappoint you, but I do mind. Could we maybe do my interview later, and maybe somewhere quieter?" She looks up and gives him her best Bambi eyes. Conner smiles helplessly.
"Alright! Alright, knock it off. You win, I think the audience got the jest of it anyway."
"Oh thank you!"
And with that she perks up considerably and trots away. Conner smiles after her.
"Ponies and Mermaids. Is there anything five-year-old girls like more than that? If there is it's our next contestant. May I introduce the lovely Princess Peach!"
A pretty looking blonde woman in a bright pink ballgown smiles and waves excitedly at the audience, she seems to be used to greeting huge crowds of adoring fans.
"Yay! Let's go!" She cries. Her voice high and airy.
"So, Princess…" Conner begins. "How?"
"Yay! Peachy! Yay!"
"Yes, everything's very exciting. Anyway- "
"All right!"
"Alright-"
"Ha ha Yay! Yay! Peachy!"
She parades her way off the stage without ever acknowledging Conner. He gives the audience a bemused expression. They chuckle.
"So… That was Princess Peach…" He holds his hand out trying to quip but blanks for about a minute. "She's confident, I'll give her that." He shakes his head. "Should have got Jeremy to sit on a couch while I did this. Every host needs their Jeremy. Just like every Princess needs her knight in shining armour, and this next guy's more than happy to take up the job. I give you YAO!"
A short Chinese man with a face like a bulldog's and dueling mutton chops leaps onto stage, he flexes for the crowd, his robes and top knot suggests pre industrial times, possibly the Ming dynasty at latest.
"Make way for the hero of China!" Proclaims Yao, his voice aggressively husky. "Who's in charge of this dump?"
"That would be me." Says Conner, bowing to him.
"Me and my buddies just beat the Hun army." Yao boasts. "Now I'm gonna beat this game of yours!"
"Hmm. Funny that, you know I think some of the others said just as much."
Yao gives him a skeptical look.
"Really? How many armies have they beat?"
"I don't know. Try asking them."
"Maybe I will." He brushes past Conner and marches away.
"Ever since she's arrived..." Conner says introducing the next contestant. "She's been upset, which is kind of weird considering she sighed up for this. May I present the hardly easy to please Julie Powers!"
A woman with large round glasses and brown hair in a tight ponytail walks by Conner looking grumpy as she does. Conner walks along side here.
"Julie! Great to have you!"
"Yeah." She says. Keenly disinterested with him. He steps in front of her and she walks into him. She glares.
"Watch it loser! Can't you see where you're going?"
"Listen you." Warns Conner. "If I got an interview out of Wednesday Addams, then you better believe I'm getting one from you."
"Fine. I'm an art student from Toronto. I've got a dumb boyfriend who kind of bugs me, dumber friends that really bug me, and I've just met you, but you're super bugging me. That enough of a personal antidote for you?"
"Maybe a little too personal." Grins Conner. Julie merely rolls her eyes and walks offstage.
"Moving right along. While it's a hotly contested issue weather our next contestant is the prettiest girl on Mount Olympus, she's definitely the smartest. She lent her name to the city of Athens and they've been in her and everybody elses debt ever since; Athena!"
A tall athletic looking woman, with olive skin, dark hair and pale grey eyes waves at the audience. She carries a long spear in her hand and a golden helmet atop her head. She stops to shake hands with Conner.
"Χαῖρε Mortal!" She declares. Conner chuckles.
"Actually sweetheart, I'm as divine as you are"
Athena looks taken aback but amused.
"I know." Says Conner. "I'm surprised you couldn't tell from my godly physique."
He flexes for her and the crowd laughs.
Athena smirks at him. "I suppose your people use that word differently then mine do. Carry on then." And she walks off prestigiously
"Athena everybody." Says Conner. "Nicest war god you'll ever meet. Next up is a boy whose clearly been inspired by Indy almost as much as I have, Dipper Pines!"
A short twelve-year-old boy in a ballcap and puffy blue vest walks into view. He's got one arm around an old looking journal, and the other raise over his eyes to block the glare of the stadium lights.
"Dipper hello. Good to have you." Conner kneels down like he did with Fluttershy.
"Yeah...hey. Good to be here I guess?"
"Something wrong?"
"Yeah, actually. It's just kind of weird to be doing this without my twin sister Mabel. We go on a ton of adventures together. Almost feels wrong leaving her behind."
Conner waves his hand. "Pssh. Don't worry about its kiddo. We… well we've got just a whole lot of friendly contestants ready to meet you. I'm sure you'll be best pals with somebody in no time."
"I don't know. This is kind of embarrassing to admit on TV, but I'm not great at befriending people" Dipper says hesitantly. "I start telling people about my interest in the paranormal and the supernatural, and all the crazy adventures I had and for some reason instead of finding all that stuff fascinating and unbelievable they just tune out.
"Sorry I zoned out there. What was that?"
Dipper grumbles then sulks off.
"Dipper Pines everyone" Smiles Conner. "Not a bad showing but I'm sure some of you we're hoping for a more confident junior adventurer, perhaps one a little less awkward and boring to be around. If this is in fact what you've been thinking, shame on you for judging Dipper that fast." He pauses for laughter. "Come on people, he's just a boy! … But in all seriousness, we've got you covered. Janna Ordonia everyone!"
A girl, seemingly Filipino and wearing a forest green tuque walks into sight. Arms folded, eyelids lowered, smug grin on her face. She saunters up to Conner and they high five.
"Sup." She says.
"Sup your own self." Says Conner. "I like your swagger or whatever it's called these days."
Janna nods. "Pretty much that."
"Alright. Wonderful. Glad to hear I'm still "with it" with the kids." Conner claps his hands. "So, Janna what brings you to our show?"
Janna shrugs nonchalantly. "Ah you know how it is dude. Home town's been boring lately, so I'm looking forward to some adventuring, bring home some evil magic artifacts for my collection."
"And maybe the money?" Suggests Conner.
"Oh, I'm taking home the money." Insists Janna.
Conner chuckles.
"You got spunk kid, I like it. Alright Janna I'll let you go, but I'm looking forward to your jannanigans."
Janna smirks. "You and me both." And she strolls off stage. Conner turns back to the crowd.
"There, hope you're all happy now you terrible, terrible people." He pauses again for laughter. "How do you sleep at night? But if you liked Janna, you'll like this next one too. Ladies and gentlemen prepare yourselves for the one, the only, Roy R Brown; Baddest dude in the whole dang town!"
A man with long wavy straw-coloured hair walks across the stage, smirking like Janna was.
Conner greats him extatically. "Roy! Welcome! God I'll just say-"
"That's its an honour to have in your presence the greatest sculptor alive today?" Finishes Roy. "Because if that's the case then you're underselling me." And he strolls away. Conner looks stunned for a moment before recomposing
"Moving on" He says. "Fellow contestants be warned this guy's been called the smartest mammal in his universe, though he's yet to think his way out of alcoholism, Rick Sanchez!"
An old man in a lab coat leaps into to stage, grinning ear to ear as colourful profanity pours from his mouth. He ignores Conner entirely opting to make rude gestures at the audience instead. They love it.
"Yes, wonderful display by Rick, I'm sure our sponsors will love it. But unbeknownst to Sassy Sanchez over there, we've actually got two lab coat sporting, mad scientist here competing today. Let's see if he can top our dear friend Rick. Heinz Doofenshmirtz come on down and make you're debut!
A skinny man with a triangular face barrels into view. He's wearing, a cape, roller skates and his briefs, nothing else.
"Debut!?" He cries "Wait! I thought we were doing a talent show! AHHHHH!"
He whizzes by Conner and crashes somewhere off stage.
"Oh dear lord!" Conner cries. "That was… so much worse than I could have imagined. Let's just move on to the next contestant and pretend that didn't happen." He shakes his head in mock trauma. "Dear lord, the horror. I can't even remember who's next, and-hello?"
Something tugs at Conner's pant leg.
"…Okay, for those that can't see this, I've just been approached by a teal platypus in a fedora and he seems to be trying to tell me something."
The platypus chitters and gives him something.
"I've been given a note!" Conner pauses to read it. "Okay. Say's here this little guy's name is Perry, or alternatively Agent P. As you can guess by the name, don't tell anyone, he's a secret agent who will be competing in our game to and I so quote "Protect the others from Doofenshmirtz and or protect Doofenshmirtz from the others. Whatever the current situation so happens to call upon" Well, alright then. Welcome aboard Perry."
Perry tips his hat and walks away.
Conner claps his hands again. "So back on schedule, folks if you're wondering yes, it's going to be like this the whole way through. Now our next contestant's a Japanese school girl, but more importantly, she's also a boxer and a rather good one at that from what I've been told. Based on that we had a whole skitch ready we're I'd call her in like a professional boxer entering the ring. But unfortunately, and I'm saying not who, but somebody misplaced my cue cards with her statistics on them. So…" He shrugs defeatedly. "Yae Saotome everyone."
A tall, athletic young woman with short brown hair appears, wearing a blue school blazar and skirt.
She marches up to Conner stoically. He looks intimidated.
"Yae." Conner says somewhat awkwardly. "Welcome aboard."
There's a moment of silence.
"So… You're a boxer?"
Yae nods.
More silence.
"Okay. Well uh… Yae it's been great chatting with you."
"Yes." She mutters stiffly, then walks away.
"Well There she is" Conner says to the crowd. "and she didn't have her boxing shorts on anyway. Guess that certain somebodies off the hook."
The Crowd laughs again and Conner grins.
"They know who they are! But on to more pressing questions. One's like, What's poppin'?"
He stares intently into the camera for a second before cracking up.
"I'm sorry" He laughs "That was a terrible, and a lot less grand an introduction than our next guest deserves. He's widely considered a visionary in the fields of rap and modern music as a whole. Generally making waves across the entertainment industry, while challenging the language and attitudes we associated with professionalism, Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome this season's celebrity contestant, Markus Obasi aka world famous hip hop artist Marked Improvement"
A young man in khaki shorts, black ballcap and forest green hoodie comes onto stage, he looks excited to be here. He saunters up to Conner and they fist bump.
"Yo!" Says Markus.
"Markus! Welcome to the show. How you feeling about being here?" Conner asks.
"Yeah man, it's good, it's fire. Great to finally be here on TD"
"Well trust me we're excited to have you here"
Markus nods "Tight." And he walks off.
"Marked Improvement!" Conner exclaims. "Gotta love him. Gotta love the passion coming in with that, beautiful, beautiful man. On to the next contestant, Like Saotome senpai this one's another Japanese School girl… And well, that's about all that's special about her, which is fine, everyone loves an underdog. Or depending on our things go, Canon fodder. Please welcome, Tomoko Kuroki!"
Coming onto to stage, emerging from the mist is…. Nothing.
Conner waits for a moment.
"…. Tomoko Kuroki!" He repeats.
Still nothing.
Conner turns back to the crowd. "Well… this is awkward."
"She's coming give us a sec." A female voice calls it.
There's another moment of silence and then three girls come onto stage. The one that must be Tomoko (as she's dressed in a beige coloured high school uniform) seems to have come down with stage fright as is being carried by the other two. Of her two escorts one is a teenaged girl in a light blue regency era dress, with her auburn hair in a top bun matching the same period. The other girl seems to be contemporary with wavy blue hair and a matching circular purse with a pink star emblem.
"…Okay then, this was unplanned for but as the grand finale of our introductions, I present to you, Tomoko Kuroki, incapacitated on arrival, and featuring her new supporting crew, Beatrice and Ramona Flowers. And yeah, that's everyone. So, uh welcome ladies. Anyone care for an interview?"
Ramona turns to Beatrice.
"You want to take the kid?"
Beatrice shoots her a look. "Yeah. No. You're not pawning her off on me."
Ramona rolls her eyes. "Fine, I'll handle her then."
She drags Tomoko off the stage. The school girl whimpering in terror the whole time she does.
"Alright. I guess we'll get back to them." Conner tells the crowd. "So, Beatrice. Welcome. I like the hair."
"Thanks. I just got it back." Beatrice says. Her voice is polite but impatient.
"What made you want to sign up for Total Drama?"
Beatrice looks at him funny.
"Is that a trick question? Because I came for the money. That's the only reason why anyone joins these kinds of things isn't it?"
"Think you'll be a strong competitor?"
"Stronger than that Tomoko girl at least."
The audience laughs. Beatrice blushes.
"Alright thank you Beatrice. You can go now. I release you from my presence."
"Yeah, thanks."
And she walks off stage, passing Ramona as she does.
"And our final interview for the night will be with Ramona Flowers." Conner turns to her. "Assuming Tomoko's not coming back up."
"Not unless you want her to hurl." Says Ramona grimly.
That gets another laugh from the crowd.
"So. Ramona. Besides Tomoko, what's you first impression of the show?" Askes Conner.
Ramona looks around.
"Big, dumb and loud." She remarks. "But who know? It might be fun."
Conner smirks to the camera. "Baby I doubt it." He laughs at his own joke. Ramona watches him bemusedly.
"So… Is that everything?" She askes
"Yeah. Sure. That's enough" Chuckles Conner.
Ramona shakes her head again and walks off.
"Not much of an interview." She says to herself.
Conner pulls himself together again. Now alone on stage.
"So… That's our cast this season." He says.
There's respectable applause from the crowd.
"Quite the bunch as you can see. Also, wow. Tomoko, god bless her, she's really brought the mood down. We need a way to bring some of that energy back, how about we sort these guys into teams and get this show on the road!?"
The audience erupts into cheers. Conner grins. "That's the good stuff! Alright contestants! Get on back here to the stage!"
The crowd claps as the twenty-seven competitors climb back onto centre stage. Doofenshmirtz has thankfully put his clothes on. He now wears a lab coat, with a black shirt and brown pants.
"Okay wonderful. Contestants!"
Everyone stares at him.
"Hello again, feels like just yesterday I saw you all. But seriously, welcome to Total Drama! We're very excited to have you here for what will invariably be the first season they refuse to air, because it's just that terrible."
Crowd laughs causing Conner to crack up again.
Indiana Jones taps Janna on the shoulder.
"Kid you seem like you'd know more about this than I do. This is what? A comedy program?"
Janna gives him an amused look. "What tipped you off?"
Indiana looks flustered. "Well if it's comedy why's it called a drama?"
Markus laughs behind him. "Yo, This guy's tight. One minute in he's asking the questions that need to be asked."
Conner wipes a tear from his eye. "Alright getting back on track, I hear some of you are already starting to socialize with one another which is fantastic. I look forward to all the budding interpersonal dynamics just waiting to begin, but before they do, I'd like to give them some direction. Those at home, in the audience, and just about anyone that's seen a reality television program, let alone this series knows what's coming. You're about to be divided up into teams.
Normally we'd have two of them, but because we've got such a beefy cast this time around, we're actually going to have three. So. Without further ado can I get:
Dipper, Indiana, Wednesday, Beatrice, Lenny, Rick, Doof, Perry and Roy to stand to my left. You're team one.
Perky, Winry, Amethyst, Yao, Tails, Julie, Bentley, Ramona, and Tomoko to stay where you are. You're team two.
Lapis, Tigress, Yae, Janna, Fluttershy, Athena, Susie, Peach and Markus to stand by my right. You're team three."
There's a great reshuffling and murmuring as the crowd of contestants gets into their three teams. It takes a few moments but eventually, things settle down. Conner spreads his arms out, as if to appreciate his handiwork.
"There we are, an ocean of participants cleaved perfectly in thrine. Like Moses parting the Red Sea…If he did it twice. So, Team's one two and three…"
Markus raises his hand. "Yo, I've seen this show before, don't we normally get like team names or some ****?"
"A team's not properly itself without a good name." Chimes in Lenny.
"First of all. Markus, this a family show." Warns Conner. "Secondly, trust me. We'll get to the names later okay?"
"Aight. I'll hold you to that." Markus says.
"Okay, so." Conner continues on. "Before we get to names or challenges or anything else, we've got some new rules and this is how it was pitched to me "gameplay elements" to go over."
"Just make it snappy alright?" Says Perky. "Mama's got a million bucks to in for her maste-herself."
The more savvy of the contestants give her a look at her, she smiles innocently.
Conner clears his throat. "Here's how the seasons gonna go down, so listen up because I'm only going to say this once, and then several more times if it's requested of me. This season is all about the locales, even more so than the numerous times this shows travelled the globe. See me and my friends have in our deposal a ship can travel the multiverse. We'll all be voyaging aboard it together, visiting a new and wonderous dimension every episode!"
"Yeah. I'm stopping you right there." Rick interrupts. "Traveling the multiverse is a really stupid idea, mainly because it's about as exciting as studying igneous rocks." He belches. "For every Blips and Chitz out there, there's a seven hundred, eighty thousand, five hundred and seventy-three generic fantasy worlds and desolate landscapes. In order for this to be even watchable you'd need someone who knows there way around like me to guide you around. And considering I don't give enough a **** about helping, you'll probably want to find a new idea soon. Or this really will be the worst season to air."
Conner looks at him patiently. "Rick, I appreciate the feedback." He chuckles. "...but I think that ship was sailed."
"In that case I'll be needing a lot of this to get through this ****"
Rick pulls out a flask from his lab coat and takes a swig.
"Alright! Alright! This is network television!" Conner pleads. "We can only mildly swear goddammit!"
Rick belches. "Tell your network it can lick my ********."
Conner shakes his head in mock disproval. "Enough! Back to the Locations! Yes, beautiful, non offensive locations. This season's all about them. And to fully let you enjoy each of our locations we've elected try something of a free roaming approach. There're no challenges this season, instead each location you'll be out looking for one of these."
He holds out a small golden bust of Chris Mclean.
"Each location will hold three of these beautiful little things, one gold, one silver and one bronze, your job will be to explore the area and figure how or where to find them. Claim the gold Mclean, your team gets immunity and a prize, lucky you. Claim the silver Mclean, That's not too bad either. You'll get immunity but no prize, because rewards are for winners only. Get the bronze Mclean, now you're in bad shape, for that is the Mclean of failure and you'll be punished by sending someone home. And since we've got so many contestants this time around, nobody's coming back. Once you're gone, you're gone. End of story. Everyone got all of that?"
The contestants nod and murmur in agreement.
"Now I figure, what better way to start our trip around the reality by starting off at the greatest, cleanest, nicest, all around best place anywhere. Right here in sunny Los Angeles."
The crowd laughs.
Conner points around the Stadium. "See? They laugh because they're from here."
The crowd laughs harder.
"There's a clue waiting for you right outside the door. Contestants. Ten Million Dollars are on the line. Goodluck, Godspeed, because the biggest season of in Total Drama starts… NOW!"
There's a mad rush to get to the doors, the audience cheers for them one last time as the twenty-seven contestants stampede off the main stage and out through the lock rooms.
Amethyst shouts back to her team. "Come on! Move it people! We don't want to be last."
"We're coming." Calls Winry. "But I think some of us are going to need a minute."
She looks over her shoulder. Ramona. Yao and Tails are helping Perky (in her fishbowl) Bentley (with his wheelchair) and Tomoko (Still crippled with stage fright) off the stage, while Julie looks on angrily. Amethyst groans.
"Great. Literally the first challenge and we're already last."
She's right, without any mobility issues the other two teams have taken the lead, they rush through the foyer of the and out into the blinding sunlight.
The sun shines bright and hot in a sky hazy with car exhaust. Freeways and industry surround them with a collect of skyscrapers in the distance and mountains on the horizon, behind them faintly audible over the traffic is the alluring sounds of the Pacific. The scene isn't idyllic but for those of them that are familiar with the city Los Angeles is how they would expect it to be, except for…
"Where's the clue he was talking about?" Asks Indy.
"Don't ask me. I know less about this place than you do." Says Beatrice.
"It has to be here some where." Dipper says determinedly "Maybe its hidden?"
He gets down on his knees and starts feeling around on the ground.
Some of the slower contestants make it outside, all of team two as well as Markus who has Susie Derkins riding on his shoulders. As soon as he gets outside his eyes narrow in confusion.
"Yo, hold up. Where are we?"
Roy chuckles. "What did the smog not tip you off? It's Los Angeles, I think the host said it himself, assuming you were listening."
"Why does it have to be so loud?" Asks Fluttershy. Roy shrugs. "That's Los Angeles for you."
Markus shakes his head. "Ima be honest, I'm from LA, grew up, spent my whole life in LA. Dawg this ain't LA."
"Looks like LA to me." Julie says shortly.
"Brah, I'm telling you this ain't what the area around Staples center is supposed to look like this… Markus turns around and looks at the stadium they just left. "Yo? YO!? That ain't even Staples center, that looks like the memorial colosseum with a roof on it. Man, where the **** we at?"
"Markus! I've already warned you about the language. you've literally got a small child over you're shoulders!"
Conner walks out of the building behind them, back in his normal blue suit. He looks over at Susie.
"Sweat heart I'm sorry it he corrupts you."
The girl merely shrugs. "It's okay. I don't understand half of what he's saying anyway. But of course, I know Calvin so I'm used to that."
Conner chuckles at this. Markus however looks concerned.
"Conner, I'm sorry about the cussing, but for real, where we at yo?"
"Well for starters Markus you're right this isn't Los Angeles, you ran through a hidden interdimensional portal on your way out the door, you just didn't realise because despite what some people say, I know what I'm doing."
He pauses to stare a Rick for a second before continuing on.
"This isn't LA, it's actually a place called Los Santos which like Los Angeles but somehow worse if that's even possible."
Markus looks confused. "Los Santos? Like in…"
"Exactly." Says Conner. "In the tradition of Total Drama, we've tricked you. We had to I'm sorry, I feel kind of bad about it because I have a conscience unlike your last host. One nice thing about Los Santos though is that the cities so bad there's no repercussions for what you do to it. For example, see this guy."
He walks over to a pedestrian nearby and knocks him out with a punch to a skull. Fluttershy and some of the other more easily offended contestants' gasp.
"Now normally what've just done would be terrible." He assures them. "But here, unlike the real Los Angeles they've got what is potentially the greatest healthcare system in the world. You can do anything to these people or yourselves for matter and it won't matter, they'll just walk in the hospital a couple hours later completely healed. I don't pretend to understand it, I just exploit it, and so can you. If you need to break some laws, steals some cars maybe commit some Grand Theft Auto to find your prize it's completely kosher. Provided of course you don't try anywhere else we go.
Other than that, all the other rules we went over in there still apply."
The contestants continue looking at him expectedly.
"So, what are you waiting for?" He asks them all. "We've started! Let's get this show on the road!"
The teams look to Conner then to each other and spirit off in separate directions leaving Conner there by the stadium. He looks back at the camera.
"This is Conner O'Gleeson, standing in front of the Maze Bank Arena in beautiful Los Santos, San Andreas. Welcome to Total Drama Endless. I hope you stick with us because it's going to be one hell of ride."