Someone who went to my high school has had bone cancer for a few years now and I just learned through social media that their cancer is terminal. I never met this person, but we had mutual acquaintances. For some reason this situation gave me the itch to revisit this stage of Bucky's life from more of an outsider perspective, since his high school community was the most well-developed of all the characters. Gabe felt like the perfect character to do so. This is a pretty heavy chapter, but I hope you enjoy reading it.
The Lone Commando:
"Man, you need to get better before this next playoff," Gabe teased. "These bozos are nothing without you."
"I will," Bucky assured. "There's no way I'm letting a bum shoulder keep me from my first playoff season as a Howling Commando." He bounced his arm–still in a sling after he injured it in a diving save last week–against his chest and grimaced.
"Does it still hurt?" Gabe asked.
"No."
Then what was the grimace for, Gabe wondered. If Bucky wasn't back to playing, they didn't stand a chance of winning. It didn't matter how good their offense was, their backup goalie was about as useful as a bale of hay sitting in the net. As much as he wanted to win, he wouldn't put it past Bucky to claim he was okay to play and end up making this injury worse. That was the last thing he wanted to happen.
"Pretty sure I just saw you grimace when you moved it," he said cautiously.
"I'm fine."
"Okay. Are you going to the doctor again?"
"Yeah, I'm actually heading there as soon as I get home. They're doing an MRI."
"Good luck. Hope it's an easy fix."
"Me too."
Bucky's eyes grew distant, like he knew something Gabe didn't. But he didn't have time to question him further because they reached his apartment building.
"See ya later!"
Bucky just waved back. Gabe tried not to worry.
~0~
Gabe was worried. He texted Bucky last night, after he assumed the MRI would be over, to ask how it went. When he didn't get a response he texted again a few hours later, hoping he'd at least get an answer by morning. He woke up to a phone with no notifications and couldn't even bring himself to eat breakfast. Gabe wouldn't have even made it to school on time if his dad hadn't rushed him out the door.
Bucky always texted back. He and Steve both did. Jim and Timmy were the ones who only responded if they happened to have their phone in hand the instant the text went through. Gabe was somewhere in the middle, but he'd never experienced more than twelve hours of radio silence from his teammate.
"Good morning," Timmy said. Gabe was pulled from inside his head by his friend's voice.
"Morning," he croaked back.
"What's the matter? Late night?" Jim asked.
"Did any of you text Bucky yesterday?"
They both shook their heads.
"He had an MRI for his shoulder yesterday and I asked him twice how it went and he hasn't answered."
"Maybe he turned his phone off for the scan and forgot to turn it back on," Timmy suggested.
Jim elbowed him. "You don't have to turn your phone off for an MRI, you moron, you just have to leave it outside."
"Oh."
"Hey guys." Steve walked up and set his oxygen down.
"Where's Bucky?" Gabe asked. The two of them always walked in together, unless Steve had a bad morning and missed school.
Steve shrugged.
"You don't know?"
"His mom texted me that he wasn't coming to school today. Didn't say why."
"Is he okay? He hasn't answered any of my texts since yesterday."
"That's weird. I'll call him later. It's too early in the morning right now, if he's not coming to school there's no reason he'd be up."
"Okay. Let me know if you hear anything."
Gabe spent the entire morning thinking about Bucky, checking his phone between every single class period and hoping Bucky would let him know that everything was fine. He even sent off another text, just in case he saw the first two and forgot about them without responding. By the time he got to lunch, he was still too anxious to eat. Gabe sat in silence as Jim and Timmy prattled on about the drama between these two girls in their class.
Steve joined them at their table five minutes late. "I called him. He said he's at an appointment for his shoulder."
"Is he okay?"
"That's all he said."
"Why wouldn't he tell you more than that?"
Steve shrugged. "He doesn't usually go into details about health stuff. Remember when he sprained his ankle in elementary school and nearly cried when people asked him what happened?"
"That was elementary school," Jim pointed out.
Gabe continued, "If it wasn't a big deal, he would've told us."
Steve sighed. "You're probably right. But he won't tell me more than that and his parents aren't answering their messages either."
"Dude, this could be really bad. What if he needs surgery or something?" Timmy asked.
"I'm sure it's not that bad," Steve assured.
Gabe wished he could have that confidence. He texted Bucky again, under the table so none of his friends could see. If Bucky had surgery or something equally as terrible, he'd be off the field for weeks, leaving Gabe all alone. None of the other guys would give him the time of day without Bucky there. He was the one who introduced Gabe to everyone, who made sure to include him in every conversation. Gabe had always been too shy and nervous to make friends alone. There was no way he'd make it through weeks of soccer practice without Bucky.
~0~
Another day passed, and still not a word from Bucky. Gabe was despondent. He'd barely eaten anything in the past forty-eight hours and spent an entire soccer practice feeling like he was going to either throw up or pass out. "You'd better have a really good reason for ignoring me this long because I'm freaking out," he texted after practice.
"Gabe!" one of the seniors on the team called from across the locker room.
Gabe looked up from his phone in shock. Upperclassmen only talked to him when Coach was watching to avoid any exclusion allegations. "Yeah?"
"Where's Bucky?"
Of course they only wanted information. "I wish I knew."
"You don't know? Is he dead or something?"
God, he sure hoped not.
"If he's getting cold feet, you'd better get him back here," another senior chimed in. "As much as I hate to admit it, we need the little guy."
"With him, we could go all the way. That's how I want to go out."
"Yeah, same."
They turned back to Gabe. "You'd better get him back here."
"I'll try." He didn't know what else to say. There was nothing in this world short of Steve being in the hospital that would keep Bucky from the field on game day, and Steve was fine. Well, as fine as he ever was. Which suggested Bucky wasn't.
Gabe waited until everyone cleared out of the locker room before dry heaving in the bathroom for ten minutes. He hadn't been this anxious since soccer tryouts. If he didn't hear from Bucky soon, he didn't know what he'd do.
He walked home alone and collapsed on his bed at the first opportunity. Just twenty minutes to lie down and maybe nap and then he'd feel better, right? Gabe closed his eyes and took deep breaths the way his therapist suggested. He began to feel relaxation creep up on him, when his phone rang with a ringtone reserved for Bucky. Instantly awake, he nearly fell off the bed in a mad scramble to pick up his phone.
Gabe swept his finger across the screen to accept the call and sagged with relief when his friend's very-much-alive face appeared on the screen, alongside Steve, Jim, and Timmy. "Bucky, you're alive!" he exclaimed. "We were really starting to worry."
Bucky's eyes darted back and forth before answering. "Yeah, I'm still kicking." He sounded unimaginably sad.
"Wait, are you in a hospital?" Jim asked. Gabe looked beyond Bucky's face on the screen and realized his background really was a hospital bed. His worst nightmare came true. Bucky would be off the field for weeks recovering from whatever they needed to do to fix his shoulder, leaving Gabe all alone.
"Your shoulder's that bad, huh. Do they have to operate?" he asked, to confirm his suspicions.
"Are you gonna be okay?" Timmy added.
Bucky's face tightened. "It's…complicated," he began. Gabe didn't know what that could mean, but it certainly didn't sound good. He hesitated for a long time. Steve nodded encouragingly, and Bucky swallowed audibly before continuing. "I didn't hurt my shoulder, exactly, but something showed up on the scans. They found a tumor called Ewing's sarcoma."
Gabe knew what that was. His cousin went through a phase when they were little where she learned the mortality statistics of a bunch of different diseases and spent every holiday listing them off to him. He didn't remember what percentage of people survived Ewing's sarcoma, but it couldn't be that high if she bothered to learn it at all.
"Holy shit, man. That's cancer, isn't it?" Gabe said, because nobody else had managed to say anything yet.
Bucky nodded grimly.
"I'm so sorry," Timmy said. Gabe could see his eyes watering. "Is there anything we can do?"
"Yeah, anything," Jim continued.
"Just keep me up to speed on all the Hudson Creek gossip, okay? I'm gonna be out for the rest of year."
"That's a long time," Timmy practically whimpered. Gabe couldn't even bring himself to formulate words. Before learning the truth, his worst-case scenario had been Bucky missing a few weeks of soccer practice. Somehow the real thing was even worse. No Bucky–on the field or off–for the rest of the year? The scale of awful was too great to even comprehend.
"I know. But I will be back, and I better not find out you've replaced me."
Gabe didn't understand how Bucky could be so calm about this. He could barely think straight, and he wasn't even the one sick.
"Of course not!" Jim assured. "No one else in our entire school could even come close to being as annoying as you are."
They teased each other like that all the time, but Gabe couldn't imagine saying anything like that at a time like this. However, it did make Bucky smile.
"Are you gonna be able to play when this is all over?" Gabe questioned. He may not be able to do soccer with Bucky this year, but they had three more years ahead of them. That might be enough to get him through this season.
Bucky immediately tensed at the question. So did Steve. Before he even said a word, Gabe knew the answer was probably no. Bucky's voice shook as he explained, "Because of where the tumor is, they…they have to take my whole arm off."
"You'd still be better than half the goalies in the league," Gabe said reflexively, because it was true. But he knew Bucky wouldn't want to play as anything less than his best.
"You'll still have both feet, maybe you can learn to play center back or striker," Timmy suggested.
"Maybe."
Bucky looked like he wanted to talk about anything else.
"You'll figure something out," Steve said. "Worst case scenario, you retire with the legacy of being the best goalie Hudson Creek's ever seen."
"Can we come visit?" Jim asked.
"I've got kind of a busy week ahead and I have no clue how I'll be feeling," Bucky said. "It might be best to wait until round one is over and I get discharged."
"Okay."
"Until then, feel free to text me, but I can't promise I'll respond quickly. And for the love of God, do not get #TeamBucky or #BuckyStrong trending on social media, or I will hit you so hard you end up in here with me."
"So #BattlingForBarnes is okay?" Jim asked. Bucky genuinely laughed at that and Gabe's heart ached with how much he'd miss that laugh for the next year. The laugh stopped and his eyes turned to something off camera.
"Sorry guys, I gotta go," he said, voice tight. "They want more blood for some reason."
"Bye Bucky. Good luck," Jim said.
"Yeah man, you got this," Timmy added.
Gabe couldn't bring himself to say anything, and the call ended before he could hang it up himself. Less than a minute later, he got a text from Jim in a new group chat entitled "Battling for Barnes."
Today 3:04pm
Jim: So this sucks
Timmy: Yeah
Jim: What are we supposed to do now
Steve: The same thing you do for me when I'm sick
Jim: I guess that makes sense
Jim: This just feels so different
Timmy: We should get him a care package or something
Jim: That's a great idea!
Jim: Is everyone free now to go shopping?
Steve: I need to squeeze in a treatment before we go. I can be ready in an hour
Jim: Great.
Jim: Gabe?
Only then did Gabe realize he'd just been mindlessly watching that conversation occur without participating.
Gabe: Ok
His hands were shaking too badly to type anything else.
~0~
An hour later, he met the guys at their usual spot. It was weird to see only four of them. If anyone was missing, it was almost always Steve, or Steve and Bucky. Never just Bucky. None of them mentioned the conspicuous gap in their formation on the way to the store.
"What should we get?" Timmy asked.
"Food," Jim decided immediately.
"Wait, can he still eat?"
"Yes," Steve assured. "He'll probably throw a lot of things up or lose his appetite sometimes, but they'll encourage him to eat whenever he feels up to it. Tube feeds are more of a last resort thing. TPN even more so."
"How do you know all this stuff?" Timmy asked. "You don't have cancer."
"I know people who do, at my hospital."
"What's TPN?" Gabe asked. He'd walked along in silence for most of the trip, but for some reason needed to know exactly what this last-last resort was.
"I forget what it stands for but it's for people who still don't get enough nutrition from tube feeds. I think it only comes into play when your digestive system fails to absorb stuff or you can't tolerate feeds. That probably won't happen."
"Probably?" Gabe's voice came out far darker than he meant it. It sounded like he was growling at Steve.
"Cancer is unpredictable and I don't know much about it besides what I've seen from my hospital friends. I would never promise anyone something I wasn't sure about."
"I hope it doesn't come to that," Jim said flatly.
"Me too," Gabe agreed.
They arrived in the snack section and headed straight for the cool ranch Doritos. Per Steve's suggestion, they got individual packs versus one big one. "Less chance of them going stale if he can't eat them for a while." Apparently chemo could change someone's taste buds, making them crave foods they used to hate and hate things they've always loved. Gabe couldn't imagine Bucky turning down any Dorito flavor, especially cool ranch. But, he thought, cancer would probably inflict a lot of unimaginable things on his friend.
They also grabbed goldfish, a variety pack of potato chip flavors, Kit-Kats, and peanut M&Ms before deciding they probably had enough food. Before they left the candy aisle, however, Steve stopped in front of the lemon drops.
"Dude, Bucky hates those," Jim said.
"I know." Steve dropped them in their basket without any further explanation.
Next, they went through the magazine section and settled on one of those adult coloring books, hoping it would at least make Bucky laugh. Steve made a detour in the pharmacy section and picked out a plain black face mask. Gabe wanted to pick out something other than food, but he didn't know what to get. He racked his brain for something that Bucky would genuinely benefit from, and all he could come up with was images of bald cancer patients with warm hats. Soon Bucky would be one of them. And it was November, so his head probably would get cold. Gabe had the group stop at another store and found a beanie patterned like a soccer ball.
Would the pattern make him happy or make him miss the sport he'd just lost forever?
Sensing his hesitation, Steve put a hand on his shoulder and said, "I think he'll like that one."
Gabe nodded and bought the beanie.
~0~
Bucky didn't want anyone but Steve to visit until he was out of the hospital, so they entrusted him to deliver the care package. Gabe had to go to school the next morning and walk around pretending like the broken pieces of his shattered world weren't cutting into him with every step. He couldn't stop thinking about Bucky even if he wanted to. Not that he wanted to; it felt terribly disrespectful to pretend like this wasn't happening. If their roles were reversed, Gabe wouldn't want Bucky to just go about his life like everything was fine.
Gabe was so unfocused in class that his math teacher pulled him aside at the bell to ask if everything was alright at home. On a normal day, Gabe would've subtly accused the teacher of racism for assuming trouble at home was the reason for his somber mood, but today he didn't have the energy to have that conversation. He just muttered something about being busy with homework and soccer, the teacher told him to try and get more sleep, and that was that.
He didn't see the newspaper until the end of the day. Seemingly everyone in the locker room had a copy. Gabe barely had a chance to read the headline and glimpse the picture on the front cover before the rest of the team began shooting each other questions and accusations rapid fire.
"Dude, where the fuck is Bucky?"
"I can't believe he got himself a nickname during his first season. It took me three years!"
"Is he also skipping class or just practice?"
"Does Coach know what's up with him?"
"Why'd they put the froshie on the front page? I'm the one who scored the goal that won us that game."
"Why hasn't he told any of us why he's out?"
"Are these even excused absences?"
"Will he be back in time for the game?
Gabe knew the answers to most of those questions. But he would never answer them. Bucky texted them last night, after the video chat, asking them not to tell anyone at school. "I don't want to be the center of attention when I'm not even there to enjoy it," he'd said, though Gabe knew it was more than that. Bucky didn't want to be the center of attention for any reason other than soccer, and especially not for a reason like this.
"Gabe, do you know what's up with him?"
Gabe opened his mouth and worked his jaw, but no answer came out. He did know. But he couldn't tell them. So he either had to lie now or he had to lie when they asked the inevitable follow-up question.
"I know," he said meekly. "But he asked me not to tell."
"The little twerp's gone pro!" someone exclaimed.
"That's ridiculous, he's fourteen!"
"It could happen."
"He probably quit and is too embarrassed to tell us."
"Barnes did not quit. He loves this shit too much."
"Dude, just tell us what happened so we'll stop being pressed about it."
"I can't do that. You'll have to either hear it from Bucky or not at all. I'm sorry."
"If he's not back before the game, I'm gonna kill him," someone muttered.
Gabe clenched his eyes shut and rested his head in his hands. This was going to be the longest year of his life. He immediately felt terrible for thinking that because he wasn't even the sick one. As miserable as he felt, Bucky had to be enduring things a thousand times worse. Gabe took a deep breath and told himself to just get through this practice. He hoped that the team would just give up their questions after a while, but with playoff season upon them he knew that was wishful thinking.
It only got worse as the days wore on. Every single time he walked into the locker room, at least some of the guys were discussing Bucky. And the theories just kept getting more absurd. Gabe wanted to urge Bucky to just fess up so they'd stop freaking out, but it wasn't Gabe's place to pressure him into disclosing his diagnosis. Coach apparently knew; Bucky was all but forced to tell him and all of his teachers to avoid a student conduct violation or a police investigation into his absence. Gabe knew Coach Phillips would never slip up, but he didn't trust himself not to crack under pressure. And the pressure grew immensely as they inched closer and closer to game day.
"I can't believe he would just ghost us like that."
"Maybe he switched to that posh private school after all. Remember when he said his parents almost sent him to one to help his soccer career?"
"That makes no fucking sense. Why would he switch in the middle of the season?"
"I don't know, maybe that's how the contract works."
"This isn't the NCAA! People don't just get recruited. Especially not in the middle of the season."
"Shut your stupid mouth."
"Some of the pro European teams have had teenagers before. He could've been recruited internationally."
"Wouldn't he be rubbing it in our faces if that was the case?"
"Yeah, if he got recruited to play pro he would've told us. Because that's fucking awesome."
"Same, I don't believe that."
"Why else would he leave like that?
"Maybe he's sick or something." The comment was much quieter than the others, uttered by Calvin, one of the junior benchwarmers. A thick silence followed, and all eyes turned to Gabe. He fought to keep his face neutral, refusing to confirm or deny their hypothesis.
"Please don't ask me anything," he sighed. "It's not my place to say."
They all exchanged glances. Apparently they unanimously and silently agreed that this most recent theory must be correct, and gossiping about a sick teammate was not a behavior in which they wished to engage. Gabe wanted to punch himself. By saying that he refused to answer, he pretty much answered.
The locker room remained mostly silent but for the shuffling of bodies as they finished getting ready for practice. Gabe was one of the last ones ready, ahead of only Calvin. On his way out the door, Calvin stopped him. "Is he gonna be okay?" Calvin asked sincerely.
Gabe bit his lip to fight back tears. "I don't know."
Calvin's expression softened. "I wish him the best."
Half a smile made its way onto his face. "Thanks."
When he walked onto the field, he found the rest of the team standing in a clump in front of Coach Phillips instead of running their usual warm-up laps. Coach stood with his hands on his hips, a strained expression on his face. Wondering why they had earned one of Coach's patented stern lectures, Gabe quickly joined the group alongside Calvin.
"You've all been…shall I say unfocused, as of late," he began. "And I understand why. Your teammate understands too, which is why he gave me permission to share this information with you. But, before I say anything, I need to know that everything I'm about to say stays with this team. For privacy's sake, for decency's sake, for goodness' sake, do not discuss this with anybody at this school who is not currently present, or you will face consequences. Am I clear?"
"Yes, Coach."
"Good." He took a deep breath. "Barnes is taking an extended leave of absence and will not return until next season. The reason for this leave is he will be undergoing treatment for bone cancer. Now, I understand this is heavy news, which is why I'm making today's practice optional. If you prefer to cope by exercising, you're welcome to stay, but if you feel the need to do anything else today, feel free. If you need additional time after today, just let me know and you'll be excused."
A palpable weight settled over the group of boys. Gabe stood at the back of the clump, his fists clenched. A few heads turned to look at him pityingly. Calvin put a comforting arm around his shoulders. "You're a good friend," he whispered in Gabe's ear. "Bucky's a lucky guy."
Gabe couldn't help it anymore. He burst out crying in the middle of the field.
~0~
Their captain texted in their team group chat that night.
Daniel: You know how breast cancer has that pink ribbon? What's the color for the kind Bucky has?
Gabe: Gold
Daniel: I'm buying us gold shoelaces for our cleats
Daniel: They're like two bucks each. You can pay me back if you want but you don't have to
Miles: We wearing these to the game this weekend?
Rick: Hell yeah
Sheldon: I'm so in
The rest of the team agreed with similar enthusiasm. Gabe couldn't wait to tell Bucky. When game day arrived, they all decided to bring as much gold clothing as possible to go with their shoelaces. Before warming up, they sat in a circle and switched out the laces in their cleats. Gabe snuck a few glances at Coach Philips during the process, and he could have sworn the guy was smiling. It was subtle, but it was there. They took plenty of pictures, and got ready for the game.
They huddled up before taking the field, as they always did. But instead of a pep talk, Daniel started with, "We're going to lose." The rest of the team nodded their agreement. "No offense Sheldon, but Bucky's goalkeeping is the only reason we're even here and now we don't have it."
"None taken," Sheldon said.
"We're going to lose, but we're going to be good sports about it. Because Bucky brought us here and we need to play in a way he'd be proud of, okay?"
Everyone nodded.
"Let's make Bucky proud."
They broke up the huddle with a howl. And proceeded to lose the game. No worse than they'd lost before, but a loss nonetheless. But none of them really cared. None of them wanted to move forward in the playoffs without their star goalie. Especially not Gabe. He was more than happy for an early end to the season. Now he didn't have to worry about going for a run on Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving break not only meant a welcome reprieve from school, but it also coincided with Bucky coming home from the hospital. He'd been there for over a week. A few days after his release and after confirming none of them were sick, he finally allowed Gabe, Jim, and Timmy to visit him. Gabe was terrified. Would he look different? Had he lost weight already? Had he lost hair already?
He came so close to texting Steve to ask for a physical description, just to mentally prepare himself. But he stopped himself every time. He'd been to Bucky's place a thousand times before, it made no sense for him to hesitate now. Gabe met up with Jim and Timmy in the lobby of Bucky's building, and they headed up together.
Mrs. Barnes answered the door with a smile and directed them to the living room. Gabe braced himself for all the terrible things he'd imagined, but all he found upon rounding the corner was Bucky. He looked tired, a little red around the eyes, but otherwise no different than he'd ever looked. Gabe felt the tension drain from his back and a smile appear on his face.
"Hey!" Timmy greeted. "It's so good to see you."
"You too! I missed you guys." Bucky sat up straighter and opened his right arm for a hug. The left stayed by his side. "How are you?" he asked between hugs.
"We're alright," Jim said.
"Probably better than I am," Bucky said solemnly. Nobody laughed. They were used to that kind of joke from Steve, but hearing it from Bucky was still too strange.
"How are you?" Gabe asked.
Bucky shrugged, and his face twitched in pain as he moved his left shoulder. "Better than a few days ago. It's good to be home."
"When do you have to go back?" Jim asked hesitantly.
"After Thanksgiving."
"That's nice, that you get to spend the holiday at home," Timmy remarked.
"Yeah, unless I get a fever. Apparently my immune system is going to be so bad that I have to go to the hospital for any fever."
That sounded even worse than Steve's. Gabe shuddered in sympathy. "That sucks. But hey, at least we're used to avoiding getting each other sick in this friend group."
Bucky chuckled. "That's a good point. You guys are old pros at this."
Silence descended over them. Gabe failed to reconcile the friend before him with such a grave illness. Bucky looked so normal it was nearly impossible to believe that a tumor sat buried beneath the muscles of his shoulder. He kept looking at it as if searching for some outward indication of the horror that lurked within. Eventually, Bucky caught him looking and Gabe immediately tore his gaze away.
"How was the game?" he asked. "We lost, didn't we?"
"Yeah. Two to one," Gabe admitted.
Bucky didn't say anything, but his face fell. It would've been one to nothing, Commandos, if Bucky had been there. Everyone in the room knew it, none of them willing to acknowledge it.
"Thanks for letting Coach spill the beans, by the way," Gabe added. "The team were being such assholes about it." He shook his head remembering all the terrible rumors.
"I hope they don't feel bad for gossiping. This wouldn't be my first guess if someone suddenly left the team like that."
"I think they're mostly just worried about you."
Bucky scowled.
"We dedicated the game to you, you know."
"Really?"
"Yeah." Gabe sat down beside him and pulled out his phone to show him the pictures. Bucky stayed mostly silent as he scrolled through the various photos, but Gabe could tell from his expression that he was genuinely moved. "They're rooting for you," Gabe said as they reached the last photo.
"That's nice." He quickly rubbed a hand over his eyes and Gabe pretended not to notice.
"Since we lost, our season is basically over. Coach still wants us doing workouts together, but it won't be as much training as during the season. Which I'm pretty happy about," Gabe admitted. He was tired, physically and mentally, and it just wasn't as much fun without Bucky.
"I'm glad I at least got to play most of a season," he said glumly.
"You got us to two playoff games! Which is two more than we would've gotten with any other goalie."
Bucky half-smiled. Mrs. Barnes popped her head into the room and asked if they wanted any snacks. Jim immediately took her up on it, as always. When she brought out a tray, Bucky took one bite and fought to swallow it down, face scrunched in disgust. Jim and Timmy were too busy eating to notice. Gabe noticed, though, and decided not to eat either just so Bucky didn't feel left out. If he recognized what Gabe was doing, he didn't acknowledge it.
"Has the rumor mill started churning yet?" Bucky asked sheepishly.
"I haven't heard anything," Timmy said.
"Same," Jim added between bites.
"Once Coach told the team, they stopped talking about it. He made it very clear that anyone caught spilling the beans would face consequences. I'm not sure what he meant but based on his tone I don't think getting booted from the team is off the table."
Jim whistled. "Damn. I swear that guy is more drill sergeant than soccer coach."
"He's ex-military," Bucky supplied.
"That explains it."
Silence again. Longer than the first time. More awkward too.
After so many years as a friend group, they never ran into awkward silences. They could turn even the most inane observation or comment into a full-blown conversation. Any silences that did occur were usually broken by a fit of giggles or a friendly punch. But now, it was as if nobody knew quite what to talk about. Gabe wanted to know more about how Bucky was feeling, what cancer treatment was actually like, but he would never put his friend on the spot like that. He suspected Bucky would rather talk about literally anything else. At the same time, talking about school happenings felt like purposefully excluding him. Gabe exchanged gazes with Jim and Timmy and saw similar conflict in their eyes. Hopefully, once the shock wore off they'd find a new equilibrium, because whatever they had going on right now was nothing like their usual dynamic and it sucked. But Gabe refused to be one of those people who avoided or abandoned a sick friend because they couldn't handle the stress. He'd make it work.