Total Drama Endless, Episode Fourteen
...
Heinz Doofenshmirtz extends his arms and jaw out as far as they can go, his mighty yawn echoing through a chorus of similar sounds in the room.
It's the morning after the Hallownest challenge and the contestants are seeing to breakfast in the cafeteria. Glancing around the room it's immediately obvious which of them got to bed at a decent hour, and which of them spend most of the night up hunting for Wednesday's pet Artie (Now back and safely curled up in her lap.)
Siting next to him, Rick Sanchez copies the doctor's yawn. The man looks miserable.
"Rick, what's the matter?" Doofenshmirtz asks his friend.
"Didn't sleep well." Rick responds in a voice hoarse with exhaustion.
"Really? That's too bad. Maybe it would have been best if you had come with us on our adventure."
"I think I got enough of it as it." Rick says shortly.
Doof smiles at his fellow man of science sympathetically. Judging by the harsh stare he's fixed on Beatrice its clear yesterday's challenge is still bothering Rick at least as much as any insomnia.
On the other side of the room Princess Peach returns to her team's table, plate towered high with danishes, muffins and other breakfast confectionaries. Markus gazes up at the stack impressed.
"Damn Peachy, that's a lot of goodies you got there."
"A lady needs her energy, Markus." She says setting upon her food. Markus chuckles in disbelief.
"Yo after that hiking you did in the Rodney House I thought you never got tired."
The Princess smiles modestly. "Well. At the end of the day I suppose we're all human." She pauses and grins embarrassedly at Lapis and Athena. "Most of us anyway."
Athena chuckles softly.
"After all the excitement last night and the day before I must say even I'd appreciate an easier challenge."
Lapis sighs wearily. "You know you're jinxing us when you say stuff like that right?"
Peach looks confused. "How so?"
There's a sharp hiss, and a pale gas begins seeping out of the vents.
"Like that." Lapis says flatly.
And a second later they all fall forward unconscious.
…
When the contestants come to, they're laying in dark alley of some unknown city. Red clouds loom in the night sky above them.
"Is this where our challenge is gonna be today?" Yao wonders.
"If it is I miss the transporter." Indy groans.
"No kidding." Beatrice groans. "Whose idea was it to knock us out like that?"
"That would be me." Says a gruff voice.
Fifteen sets of eyes glance up. There's a figuring standing on the roof above them, silhouetted against the sky. They leap down in front of the group, landing on a pile of trash bags. Cape billowing dramatic behind them. The figure squints dramatically at the cast.
"Welcome, to the night."
Yao and Amethyst glance at each other then burst out laughing.
"Nice costume Conner!"
The figure steps out of the shadows, and slouches his shoulders disappointedly.
"Aw man I thought I looked cool."
Conner's dressed as a superhero version of himself. Complete with an orange helmet shaped like his hair and a super suit and cape the same colour as his normal suit and tie.
"Well you'd look cool at Comic Con." Lenny offers. Conner looks away.
"That's where I got it." He mutters, before turning back to them. "Anyway, today's another special challenge day and a real super one at that."
"Brilliant. And what obscure pop culture dead-end will we be wasting our time with today?" Roy asks.
"Gotham City." Conner says. "Today you're all going to learn how to be Batman."
The words seem to have much more of an effect that Conner's costume. Roy raises his eyebrow in interest, while around him several contestants have snapped to attention. Even Indiana Jones looks intrigued for once.
"That's not the same Batman from the comics they sell at the newsstands, is it?" He asks.
"The very same." Conner assures him. Indy grins.
"Well about time! Finally we're somewhere old enough for me to know."
"Tell me about it." Conner chuckles. "But yes. We've got Bat on the menu tonight, it's all very exciting. I've outsourced your challenge to a couple of locals again. They're waiting at the abandoned fairground a block away."
Markus suddenly looks confused.
"Yo Conner?"
"No time for question Markus." Conner snaps. "Crime waits for no man! Last one there's a rotten egg."
He whistles loudly. Jeremy comes barreling around the corner driving a little blue car. Its roof also shaped like Conner's hair. He hops in it and speeds off. The others go running after him, all expect Markus.
"Yo! Guys hold up!"
He chases after them. The Connermobile has disappeared and the contestants are left standing in front of the old carnival. Its brightly painted rides seem almost sinister without their flashing lights and excited crowds.
"Are we sure this is the place?" Lapis asks.
"Yes." Athena insists, pointing a large tent in front of them, an entrance flap is waving slightly in the breeze. Beckoning them in. They run through finding it dark and empty. Markus finally catches up to them panting.
"Ladies, seriously! You need to hear this! I think I know what's going on." He says, uncharacteristically serious.
"What makes you say that Markus?" Athena asks distractedly.
"You ladies may be pop culture, but you don't know pop culture." He says urgently. "There's only one ****** that shows up if you mentioned Gotham and an amusement park at the same time, and it ain't Batman it's-"
"PIE!"
A single spotlight in the centre of the tent shines down on a large pie sitting on a table. Peach rushes towards it.
"NO PEACHY NO!" Markus cries.
She skips up the pastry and sniffs it appreciatively.
"Oh it's smells wonder-"
The table springs open like and jack in the box, flinging the pie into her face. She's knocked backwards, stunned. Her team runs over to her.
"Yo Peachy you good?" Markus asks helping her up.
"I don't understand." She says wiping the filling from her eyes. "Who? Who would waste a perfectly good dessert like that!?"
A jackal like laughter fills the tent. The contestants glance uneasily at one another.
"On second thought I'm just gonna wait outside for Conner." Rick says.
He makes to wheel himself around when a giant playing card drops down over the entrance. Suddenly the spotlight turns off. When it comes back the table has been replaced with a young woman dressed as a red and black harlequin.
Markus jumps back in fright.
The girl waves cheerfully at him. Then wordlessly pulls a kazoo from her sleave and blows into like a royal bugle.
"Presenting…. The Caliph of Criminals, The Clown Prince of Crime, Joker!"
The rest of the lights flash on revealing the stands to be full of people. Some gangster, some tied up civilians, some even mannequins, all with painful smiles stretched across their features. They applaud wildly as a man with green hair, pasty white skin and a purple zoot suit walks into the ring.
"Thank you! You're too kind!"
He stops in front of the contestants and squints at them.
"Well look what the cat dragged in. Harley you sure these are my pupils, and not the newest batch of delinquents to bust out of Arkham?"
"Positive boss." The woman squeaks. "They match the description and everything."
"So you're our host today." Peach says wiping off the last of the cream from her face. "You've got a lot of nerve ruining a pie like that."
The Joker grins.
"I'm sorry. Just a simple prank is all."
He offers her is hand. She takes it and jumps back in pain. The clown howls like a hyena and shows her his joy buzzer.
"And That is my way of welcoming you to Gotham."
Peach glares at him. "Why he…"
"Peachy, you're my homie and all but do a favour and stop ******* with this guy." Markus mutters, holding her back. The Joker meanwhile sets his sights back on the rest of the contestants.
"So you all want to be Batman eh? Well, you're in luck! Here at Joker's Comedy College of Batman-ing our award-winning courses will teach you everything you need to be a caped crusader."
"I'm not sure your qualified to teach." Indy says. Harley giggles.
"Course he is silly! Nobody in the world knows the Batman better than Mister J."
"Yeah. What's with the hang ups Jonesy?" The Joker asks, putting his arm around the archeologist. "Anyone ever tell you, you look familiar? I feel we've meet before, another life maybe? Somewhere out among the stars?"
"Uh-"
"Well look at me bantering our time away." The Joker chuckles. "They'll be time for that soon enough. Everyone get into your superhero costumes and we'll get started."
A henchman wheels out a rack of frilly shirts and hats.
"Uh.. I don't want to nitpick but those look more like clown costumes." Doofenshmirtz says.
"So? I've never seen the different." The Joker laughs.
He goes on laughing madly as the contestant look on nervously.
"I beginning to think you're right about us being in trouble Markus." Athena admits. Markus laughs weakly.
"Nah this ain't trouble. That ****'s only just started."
...
A costume change later and Joker has them gathered in another tent, all now dressed as circus clowns. Some, like Doof and Lenny have leaned into the roll, wearing noses and wigs. Others like Indy, Rick and Athena have all been as modest as allowed and stuck only to clothing. Wednesday Addams impressively has even managed to find an outfit that's entirely black and white.
The Joker leers at them, he's standing before a massive object hidden behind a curtain.
"Here's how this is going to work." He begins. "I've assembled three trials of the bat for you all today. But be warned I only let the top of the flock gradate my bat class. The first trail will see us eliminate one team, the second one another, until there's but one final team to take on the last course."
"Yeah. Not to poke holes in your sick games." Rick says. "But why would they do that if they've already won?"
The Joker smirks as if he'd been waiting for the question. "Because…" He says silkily. "You'll be playing for an extra special reward tonight, see? If say, the lovely Ladies and Markus or my dear friends in the Shorty Squad win they'll be able to restore one of their lost teammates to the game."
Both teams' breath in appreciatively. The idea of getting one their own back evidently seems very appealing.
"However, if you Fact Hunter make it through my course…" He continues. "I may or may not be able to sneak you over to one of old Ra's al Ghul's secret Lazarus Pits. I hear those suckers can heal anything. And I'm told you've been hunting for something like that for a while haven't you Richard?"
Rick scowls at him distrustfully. "How do you know about that?"
"I know plenty of things." Joker says baring a smile full of yellow teeth. "Now Harley! Show them the first trial!"
"Okie Dokie boss!"
Harley pulls a lever on the wall. The curtain lifts up revealing what looks like a film set of an alleyway behind a theatre. The alley's filled to the brim with cartoonish traps and hazards.
"Now if you want to be Batman the first thing to master is getting around." Joker explains. "The fact of the matter is here in Gotham, we live in a society. One filled to the brim with danger and lowlifes even if don't count the lunatics like me.
I've prepared my own little sample platter of hazards here, the two team's that complete it with the fastest times may pass okay?"
The contestants stare blankly at him.
"Good." The Joker says folding his pale hands together. "Now Flower Girls, since you were so egger to make my acquaintance earlier why don't you go first?"
"Couldn't we wait and let the other teams clear out the traps or something?" Lapis asks. The Joker laughs.
"Oh where's your spirit of adventure?"
A short time latter and the four Flower Girl's are sprinting for there lives through Joker's alley of doom.
"Peach!" Athena cries. "Watch out for that-"
There's a loud bang and a sharp cry as the Princess lands in from of her, ashen faced. Athena winces.
"…Bomb."
"I think I'm beginning to understand how Mario feels." Peach says shakily.
"Worry about that later!" Lapis shouts, tossing the princess over her shoulder. "We've got a Tigress to win back."
"I thought we were gonna get Flutters back or something?" Markus protests. There's an ominous groan and a he looks up and leaps out of the way. A grand piano comes crashing down a second later where he was standing.
"Yo who the **** drops a piano on somebody ******!? This ain't no cartoon dawg!?"
From the sidelines the Fact Hunters watch there competitors nervously. Knowing they'll be soon share their fate.
"So… this challenge?" Rick says causally wheeling his chair over to Beatrice. "What'd you think are odds are of beating the other teams?"
She scowls at him. "What you want Rick?"
"Jesus Christ, lay off the tone." He says offended. "I'm just asking a question."
Beatrice sighs. "If you're really looking for my opinion, we might have some trouble beating the others because we've got more players. That and the Shorty Squad are pretty fast."
"Yeah no ****." Rick says. "I bet they make real good time now that Bentley's mysteriously cured his paralysis."
"Look Rick, I don't know what happened." Beatrice insists. "Me and Tomoko got separated from their group, and when we got back, he was walking"
"Oh, you got separated huh? Isn't that ******* convenient."
She crosses her arms. "Well too bad because that's what happened, and you can't prove otherwise."
The two glare at each other for a moment before Doof interjects.
"Okay Rick, you've made you point. You can leave Beatrice alone now."
Rick grumbles. "Look Doc, all I'm saying is that Cripple Rick, like Pickle Rick before it is really overstaying it's welcome."
"Don't worry about it. We're gonna win you that health pit, I know it. I've got a good feeling about today alright?" He places a hand on Rick's shoulder. "Good feeling."
Before long the Flower Girls have staggered to the end of the obstacle course and it's the Fact Hunter's turn. Despite Beatrice's usual pessimism, they do end up managing to beat the Flower Girl's time. Then it's the Shorty Squad's turn.
Tails rushes to the end of the course, Joker's there waiting for him with a stopwatch.
"How'd we do?" Tails asks breathlessly.
"Congratulations to you sir!" The Joker says beaming. "You managed to beat the Flower Girl's time with ten second to spare."
Tails cheers. The Joker's grin broadens mischievously.
"Unfortunately you would have needed your whole team present for that to count sorry!"
Tails turns around. Amethyst, Yao and Bentley are all hanging from a net halfway through the course. The fox groans and slaps his forehead.
"And so The Shorty Squad loses on account of technicality!" Joker announces
"Hey just like you and Dipper, Rick." Beatrice says pleasantly. That gets her a cold stare from both Rick and Doof.
The Joker waggles a finger at her. "Ah, ah, ah! They'll be time for that later. Come along everyone, it's time for our second course of the day!"
"Uh, what about us?" Amethyst asks.
"Harley! Rescue the flunkeys for me!"
"Righty-O Mister J!"
Harley cartwheels over to the Shorty Squad and pulls a chainsaw from her purse. She reaves it up menacingly.
Bentley, Yao and Amethyst all gulp.
...
It's short walk to there next challenge. One Peach spends most of combing rumble out of her hair.
"You know for a clown I'm beginning to think our host doesn't have a very good sense of humour."
"I think you mean not very sane." Lapis corrects her. Athena grimaces.
"Just keep your head down ladies and let me do anything particularly dangerous."
The Joker cheerfully marches them into an old funhouse. Like the tent before it, the interiors completely dark save for a single spotlight illuminating the centre.
"So!" He says. "So you want to be a Batman part two. By now you've all mastered the streets themselves and everything a petty criminal can throw at you."
"Do criminals in this town normally use beartraps and pianos?" Indy asks, massaging a bruised arm.
"Not that I've ever seen, but you'll be prepared for now if they ever do won't you?" The Joker laughs. Several contestants groan impatiently.
"But, it's not just those common gangsters that a crime fighter has to prepare himself against. No see what makes our fair city of Gotham so notorious on the late-night news is the wide variety of highly educated, occasionally mutated and completely looney baddies roaming our streets! Observe!"
The lights flash out, and their surrounded by another crowd. this one a cast of a dozen or so characters so colourful they could have been fellow contestants. All of them jeering in acceptation. Joker spreads his arms out like a maestro.
"I took the liberty of busting some friends out of Arkham and they're all just dying to beat you. Aren't you fellas!?"
The crowd cheers, The Joker cackles again. Doof gazes around in awe.
"Oh my. I've never seen so much evil in one room before."
"Yo you got all of Batman's rogues gallery?" Markus croaks.
"All the most infamous at least." The Joker says gleefully. "For the second trial of the bat, you'll have to beat them in combat!"
Markus nearly faints before Peach catches him.
"The rules, once more are very simple." Joker continues. "You pick a team member, We pick a baddie, then they fight it out until one's knocked out of the stage."
Joker gestures to the centre of the room, where a raise platform stands, surrounded by a moat of rubber chickens.
"First team to lose a fight is eliminated. Fact Hunter's why don't you start us off by picking a champion."
The Fact Hunters stare blankly at him.
"Give us a minute." Rick says. He beacons the others to come close. They huddle around him.
"So we're sending Lenny right?" Beatrice whispers.
"What if we need him for the next fight?" Indy asks.
"There won't be a next fight if we lose this round."
"Funny I don't remember you caring about us losing before." Rick snarks.
"Shut up!" Beatrice snaps.
"No, it's true he's got a point once in his life." Roy offers.
"I said shut up!"
"Everyone, if it'll stop you fighting why don't I go?" Doof suggests. "I want to see what kind of inators these evil doers have."
"Doof they'll kill you." Rick says with a note of concern. "That's a ******* terrible idea."
"I don't know gang, seems pretty good to me." The Joker says, having somehow snuck into their huddle unannounced. The others leap back in alarm.
"And so our first volunteer is Heinz Doofenshmirtz." Joker declares.
The crowd cheers as Doof eagerly steps into the ring.
"His opponent, a man almost as obsessed with justice as the Bat himself, Harvey Dent, Two-Face."
"Two-Face why do they call him that?" Doof asks.
A man steps into the ring. On his right half he's a perfectly normal man with black hair and tanned skin, on his left half however his skin is blue and deformed, his hair white, his eye yellow and bulging. He wears a suit, half black and half white. Doof blinks.
"Okay, in hindsight that maybe should have been what I expected."
"Enough talk!" Two-Face snarls. "I want to enjoy breaking half of every bone in your body."
He pulls out a baseball bat. One side is in mint condition, the other scuffed and embedded with nails.
"Wow, you guy's really like your theming around here." Doof says impressed. "Now behold Harvey the Two-Face! My own villainous signature! One of my beautiful inators!"
He pulls a device from his pocket and brandishes it at Harvey. The villain causally knocks it out of Doof's hands with his bat. Doof frowns.
"Well… That didn't work."
Harvey takes another swing at him Doof yelps in fear.
"Okay, wait a minute! We don't have to do this!"
"Forget it pal, there's no talking your way out of this!" Harvey growls raising his bat to strike again.
"Ah, come on help another villain out." Doof begs. "Can't we settle this some other way!? Rock-Paper-Scissors? Mah-jong? A coin toss?"
To Doof's great surprise Harvey lowers his bat, and pulls a coin from his jacket pocket.
"Heads, you win, tails you lose. Got that bub?"
He flips in air.
"Okay let me catch it though." Doof insists. "That way I know you're not cheating."
"Back off!" Harvey pulls Doof away. The coin lands between them, bouncing off the ground and landing in the moat.
"NO!" Two-Face shouts.
"Oops. Sorry about that." Doof grins. "Here, I think I've got a quarter on me."
"What? No!" Two-Face snarls. "Where not using another coin!"
He leaps down into the moat and starts tossing chickens aside.
"Stupid coin. Where is it!?"
"And with that the Fact Hunter's win round one!" Joker announces.
"WHAT!?" Roars Harvey.
The Fact Hunters cheer as Doof bows to the crowd then runs over to rejoin them.
"Nice going Doof." Rick smirks.
Harley Quinn prances into the ring, holding a large paper sign over her head.
"Flower Girls, Round one!" She chirps.
"Ladies and Markus, have you chosen and champion?" Joker asks.
The Flower Girls, who've spend much of last round preparing for the question nod.
"That would be me." Lapis says, stepping into the ring.
"Alright blue, in that case your foe will be the fabulously floral, Pamela Isley. Otherwise known as Poison Ivy."
A woman with long red hair steps into the ring. She's wearing a green leotard and gloves, with white tights.
She winks at Harley as they pass each other.
"Give her hell red!"
Ivy smirks.
"Let's make this quick." She says setting her jade eyes on Lapis. "I've got a hot date with a Nepenthes palawanensis waiting."
Lapis shrugs. "Go ahead. I already had a long fight yesterday. I can take anything you dish out."
Ivy smirks. "We'll see about that."
She hurls a tubber at Lapis. It quickly sprouts and wraps it's tendrils around her ankles, knocking her off her feet.
The villainess smiles down at the gem as her plant begins wrapping her like a cocoon. "Were you ready for that one honey?" She asks airily
Lapis glares at her. "More than you know."
The vines around her shutter, they're encrusted with frost before shattering into tiny pieces. Ivy looks alarmed as Lapis gets back to her feet.
"Any other tricks you want to show me?" Lapis asks.
Ivy smirks again. "Just the one."
She leans in a blows a cloud of pheromones into Lapis's face. Lapis continues glaring at her without any change.
Ivy blinks in surprise, clearing having expected something to happen.
"Strange." She says. "That normally works."
Now's it's Lapis's turn to smirk. "Really? Because I find this always works."
She pulls the remaining water from Ivy's plants and forms it Into a whip. Striking Ivy across the face. Her opponent falls backwards out of the ring.
"And the Flowers Girl's win their first round!" Joker declares. "Thank goodness to, this makes thing's much more interesting."
The Flower girls cheer. Ivy pulls her wet hair out of her face, glaring furiously at the Joker.
"No fair! You set me up against someone immune to my powers on purpose!"
The Joker shrugs. "That may or may not be true." He laughs. "But if it was it'd be for trying to steal Harley from me."
"You know I'll always be yours pudding." Harley coos. Joker snarls at her.
"Don't you have a job to do?"
"Oh! Right!"
She grins sheepishly then returns to the ring with her sign.
"Fact Hunters, Second Round!"
The crowd cheers again.
"Okay so now we're doing Lenny right?" Beatrice asks
"Beatrice since you're so dedicated to helping our team suddenly you should volunteer." Wednesday says quietly.
"I will if fart face here does one first." She jabs a finger at Rick. The scientist laughs condescendingly.
"You think I can't do it *****? Alright! Stand back."
He wheels himself into the ring. The crowd laughs.
"Well this is unexpected." The Joker says. "But since he was brave enough to volunteer I'll be fair and give him some one easy. KILLER CROC!"
A monstrous man with grey reptilian skin and yellow fangs leaps into the ring.
"LET'S TUSSLE SHORTY!"
"Ladies first bitch!" Rick shouts.
Croc charges at him, Rick pulls his portal gun out from his pocket and fires. A portal opens under his foe. He fires again at the ceiling and Croc falls through it, landing on the floor with a sickening crash. He get's up dazed for a moment then shakes it off and lunges at Rick again. He repeats his portal trick, once, twice, three times until finally the reptile man's to injured to do anything but lay there.
"No, try that again!" Rick jeers. "Prove you're as dumb as you look you ******* reptile!"
Croc whimpers and with some effort drags himself out of the ring.
The crowd howls in outrage.
"What a disgusting display of disrespect!" Joker laughs. "I love it don't you!?"
Rick wheels himself back over to his team smirking at Beatrice. "Better hold up your end of the bargin."
The girl's face twists into a scowl. "I thought you were done cheating with that thing?"
"I thought you said it was broken." Indy says uncertainly.
"I said most of my devices were broken." Rick says stubbornly. "Most of which I've fixed since."
"And you didn't tell us?" Doof asks.
"Don't take it personally doc, you're on a reality show. Everyone keeps secrets."
Doof looks at his friend uncertainly.
Harley's back in the ring with her sign.
"Flower Girls, Round Two."
"Well Boy and Girls, who's next?" The Joker asks. He rustles Markus's wig. "Will it be the scaredy cat?" He flicks Athena's nose. "The proud and Pompous Olympian?" He laughs. "Or will it be the prissy little princess that can't even beat a pie." He pinches Peach's check. She slaps his hand away angrily.
"Maybe it will the princess!"
"Peach stand down!" Athena snaps.
"Too late! She's already volunteered!" Joker declares happily. "Step right up your majesty."
Peach sticks her nose up at him and marches over to the ring.
"I'm gonna miss her." Markus says miserably.
Athena sighs in frustration. "So, will I."
Harley's still standing there when Peach enters the ring. The Princess taps her foot impatiently.
"Well, what are we waiting for? Which of these hooligans will I be teaching a lesson today?"
Harley giggles "You're looking at her sugar."
Peach pauses. "You?"
"That's right!"
Ivy throws her a long wooden mallet. Harley catches it and twirls it impressively.
"Get ready the fight of your life sister!"
Peach looks mortified for a moment, regretting her impulsiveness. She chuckles awkwardly.
"You wouldn't be so kind as to spare a weapon, would you?"
Harley looks to Joker who nods. "Sure!"
She grabs her purse and offers it to Peach. The Princess inspects its contents for a moment before her face lights up.
"Yes!"
She seizes her prise and pulls it from the bag.
"This will be perfect."
She holds her weapon of choice above her head triumphantly. It seems to be a frying pan.
Over on the sidelines Letsplay Lenny suddenly turns to Indy.
"So you said she insisted she hadn't heard of Super Smash last night correct?"
Peach brandishes her pan at Harley.
"Ha ha! Now you'll see how nobbily a princess fights!"
"Well ain't that sweet?" Harley says, she smashes Peach in the shin with her mallet. Peach yelps and stumbles back, hopping on one foot.
"Unfortunately, I'm not a princess." Harley says coyly.
She laughs at her own joke. Peach seizes the opportunity to bash her flat In the face with the broad side of her pan. Now it's Harley's turn to stagger back.
"I'm not as fragile as I look." Peach smirk.
Harley checks her nose to make sure her nose isn't broken. Then her eyes drift up to Peach's and her black lips curl into a manic grin.
"Gee. I'm sure glad about that. Now I don't have to feel bad for not going easy on you."
She's true to her word. No sooner after they've left her lips does she unleash a terrible volley upon the princess, and the room's filled with the sound of wood on the metal. But Peach stands firm, even as every blow she deflects with her pan sends stinging vibrations up her arm. None of that matters. She's made up her mind.
She's going to prove a point.
It's Harley that relents first. After a particularly hard blow is once more reflected she pulls away from Peach and slumps her shoulders, panting like a dog.
"You don't tire easy do ya princess?"
Peach giggles. "I wouldn't a true princess if I did?"
Harley rolls her eyes. "Yeah, yeah. I get it. You're all nice and frilly and all that."
"I can't help it. I was raised to be kind." Peach says proudly. Perhaps a little too proudly. Harley's grin sneaks back into place.
"No kidding." She says softly. "Anyways, where were we? Oh right!"
And she resumes her attacks with vigor. Swinging madly at the Princess, leaving Peach on the defensive. This time however there's a carelessness to her aim, first subtle, then noticeable, then overbearing as her resolve begins to crack under Peach's unyielding frying pan.
"Okay princess, this is getting old already. Any chance you gonna lose already?"
"If you think I'll let my friends down you've got another thing coming." Peach smiles. Harley growls.
"Yeah? Well I'm not letting down Mister J!"
And she whirls back to delivery her fiercest strike yet. But again her carelessly takes hold, as she's lifts her hammer above her head she leaves herself exposed. Peach beats her the punch, her pan colliding first with her gut, then her jaw, Before aiming such a hard blow to Harley's head it knocks the belled hood from it revealing two blonde pigtails beneath. Harley's sent crashing backwards until she lands at the edge of the ring in a crumpled hemp.
Peach cheers triumphantly.
"Yes! I won! Let's go! I-"
She's cut of suddenly. Harley's begin crying loudly.
"Oh Boo hoo hoo! Boo Hoo! It hurts! Everything hurts!"
"Oh my goodness I'm sorry! I didn't hurt you to bad did I?" Peach says dropping her celebrations and rushing over to the fallen girl. Harley sobs harder. Hands over her face.
"My face! I-I-I think you D-d-did something to it."
"I'm terribly sorry." Peach says nervously. "I didn't mean to. Here stand up so I can look at it."
Harley holds out a hand. Peach takes it with an empathetic smile. Next thing she registers is being flips head over heels and landing in the moat.
"What!?" She cries turning back to the ring. Harley's risen to her feet. Smiling broadly.
"Wow, wouldn't ya know it? I feel all better now."
"And the Flower Girl's are eliminated!" Joker shouts.
The both the criminals and the Fact Hunters break out into wild applauses, Harley bows to them gracefully, while the poor Princess's jaw drops open in horror.
"No! I though- but- how!"
"Ah, don't beat yourself up Princess." Harley says. "You're not a bad you know. Here."
She throws Peach her hammer.
"You can practice with that. Then maybe someday you'll be as good with it as I am. Ain't that right fellas?"
The crowd cheers again. Peach groans miserably, and closes her eyes. Wishing dearly she could sink into the pile of gag chickens and disappear. When she opens them, she finds Athena glaring down at her.
"Well didn't we have fun?"
Peach hangs her head in shame. "I'm sorry."
To her surprise Athena smiles slightly. "You fight better than I would have given you credit for Peach." She says offering her a hand, and pulling her to her feet. "Now let's see if we can find something quiet to rest until the challenge is over."
"What for?" Peach asks surprised. Athena frowns again.
"So you can catch up on your sleep. Maybe then you'll stop making such stupid decisions."
Peach laughs sheepishly. The two of them walk over to collect Markus and Lapis. The Joker waves to them.
"Tootles Flower Girls. I can't speak for the four of you, but I at least had a good time."
The Ladies and Markus give him one last glare then walks out of the tent. Joker cackles again and turns to the Fact Hunters.
"And then there was one." He grins. "Well done on outlasting the competition you lot. Now if you'll follow me one last time, we've got one final challenge before you claim your prize."
"Or you know, you could give Rick his medicine and just tell the others we did a challenge for it." Doof suggest cheerfully. Joker laughs again.
"I like your style Doofy. But trust me, you're really not going to want to miss this challenge." He snickers. "Why dare I say you're going to be blown away by it."
He laughs wildly.
"Well when you put it like that, how could we say no?" Indy asks.
"I mean you say that sarcastically but you know honestly I kind of want to know what he means but that now." Doof says.
Indy grumbles to himself.
They reluctantly follow Joker back to the first tent, which is all but dark again. As soon as they're all inside he seals the exits again, snickering darkly.
"You know I was hopping it'd be your team that would get this far." He says all to pleasantly. "It's going to make things far more fun."
"Alright pal, stop jerking yourself off and tell us what sick torture you've got for us alright?" Rick growls. "I'm god damn sick of your dumb ass ego."
"You're one to talk Rick." Beatrice snarks.
Suddenly the central spotlight flips on again. The tables returned but this time there's no pastry to be found. Instead, two pistols sit there waiting for them. Soon as they've had time to register that another light switches on. It reveals a girl of no more than ten chained to one of the tent poles. She sees them and cries out desperately, words muffled by the handkerchief over her mouth. Those wounded eyes, the dark hair. It's all painfully familiar. All the confidence melts off of Beatrice.
"Who is she?" She asks in a hollow voice.
"A local volunteer." Joker laughs. He begins pacing around the Fact Hunters.
"If there's anything Batman loves more than spoiling my fun it's firearms and speaking openly. For the final trial of the bat, we'll be combining both."
He strolls over to the table and picks up one the guns, replacing it with an hourglass pulled from his pocket. He fills it over.
"The rules are one more very simple. In the next five minutes, you're all going to spill your secrets…" He points the gun at the girl, she shrieks in horror. "Or I'm going to spill her brains across the floor!"
Cries of shock and outrage from the Fact Hunters.
"YOU CAN'T DO THAT!" Doof shrieks. "Not even someone evil would do something like that!"
"I'm not evil Doofy, I'm insane. There's a difference." Joker grins. "Although if anyone's as looney as I am, they can shoot the girl themselves instead of sharing their secrets."
Indiana draws his own pistol. "Yeah, here's a better idea. Why don't I just shoot you?"
"Because that wouldn't be funny." The Joker smiles pleasantly. "Don't worry though, I'm not offended. I understand you're particularly fond of young women, namely." His eyes flash sinisterly. "Marion Ravenwood."
Indy's face hardens. "Don't change the topic on me clown."
"How old was she when you were together Professor?"
"Oh I know this."
"Lenny stay out of this." Indy snaps. "She was old enough to know was she was doing okay?"
"And what age was that?" Joker asks, cocking his gun.
Indy doesn't respond.
"Jones, stop wasting time." Beatrice says urgently. "Tell us how old she was!"
Indy grimaces. "Fine! Fifteen! Alright? Marion was Fifteen!"
"And how old were you?" Prompts Joker. Indy look away.
"Twenty-Five."
"Did you have sex?" Wednesday asks bluntly.
Indy swallows difficultly. Rick, Doof and Beatrice look revolted.
"Jesus Christ Jones." Rick says in a low voice.
"I'm from a different time!" Indy shouts hoarsely.
"So am I you creep!" Beatrice shouts back.
"She came on to me!"
Roy laughs. "Now I see why you're a college professor. Plenty of young ladies around eh doc?"
"It's not like that I swear!"
"Roy, you've certainly had some exploits at your college." Joker says slyly.
"Are we talking about the time I essentially radicalize two people into violent militants?" Roy asks. "Because that's not a secret that's just hasn't been relevant."
"You don't feel guilty about that?" Indy glares.
"I believe I've made my opinions about other people known." Roy says matter of factly. "I don't care about people I've hurt. Truth be told I'd watch every one of you die if it was of some benefit to me."
"Heiliger Strohsack!" Doof mutters. "That's two of us that's crazy now."
"Oh you're not so perfect either Doofy." Joker says.
"Oh no! You're not getting my secrets! They're private."
"Can we hurry this up please?" Beatrice says, eyeing the hourglass nervously.
Doof glances to Beatrice then to the other girl and sighs. "look if you want something shameful or embarrassing, I've got plenty. I lost my childhood friend balloony, I never completed the high dive as a kid, I was raised by ocelots, I lost a poetry contest to a baking soda volcano, I destroyed my own painting after my brother spend twenty years restoring it. My wife divorced me, my daughter can't stand me, her friends think I'm a loser. My mother and father thought I was a loser. I am a loser. My younger brothers the mayor for Evil's sake and I'm just some dummkopf that can't make a successful scheme to save his life." He folds his arms. "There. Is that good enough? Or do you want more? Because I could go all day."
Joker considers it for a moment then shrugs. "Well… there was nothing really in that rant that was a secret. But It made you look pathetic so I'll count it."
Rick pats him on the arm. "Wasn't that bad doc."
Doof grins. "Thanks pal."
"Mister Letsplay Lennard Burmley Jr" Joker says haughtily. Turning to Lenny. "Word is you were part of some website? Team Amazing was it?"
"Still am." Lenny corrects him. Joker raises an eyebrow.
"Still are. Why is that? When the owners shady practices came to light, why didn't you leave in solidarity with your friends?"
"Well the whole business was they were ignoring most of us. However I thought if I was the only one left to stay on the site they've had no choice but to pay attention to me."
"And how did your friends that?"
Lenny smiles. "We all had a good laugh about it. Come to think after all the drama I might be the only bloke everyone still likes."
"That's your dark secret!?" Indy demands. Joker chuckles.
"Lenny admittedly didn't have a lot of baggage to unpack. Unlike our next contestant."
Beatrice watches the clown nervously as he walks up to her.
"So." He says softly. "Where to begin?"
"I almost sold two brothers into slavery." She says quickly. Joker laughs darkly.
"That's old news. I'm more concerned with your recent affairs."
Rick laughs. Beatrice winces.
"Tell me how Bentley really got his legs back." Joker says gently.
"I didn't see."
"Lair!" Hisses the clown.
"Beatrice." Doof says diplomatically. "Did you find anything last challenge that could have cured Rick?"
"Stay out of this." She snaps.
"He's trying to help you." Indy says.
"Don't talk to me creep!" Beatrice snaps at him.
Rick cackles again, his tone almost as malicious as the Joker.
"Something funny Rick?" Beatrice demands.
"It's called Karma bitch." Rick smirks.
"You're running out of time Beatrice." Joker says gleefully. "Just be a good girl and tell us the truth."
"I am."
"Beatrice why are you still lying?" Doof yelps. "Hurry!"
"I'm not lying!" Beatrice cries. She cultches her chest, trying to control her quicken breath.
"So I guess you want to see this girl die?" Rick asks. Behind him the girl struggles against her bindings.
"I'm not doing this! He is!" Beatrice shouts jabbing a finger at Joker.
"Tell us what you saw so this can be over already!" Indy shouts.
"I SAID SHUT UP!" She yells, tears begin to form in her furious eyes. "I don't care what I did, I don't deserve to have to sit here and be lectured by a bunch of monsters!"
"We're not monsters!"
"Well you like act them! You sleep with kids, Wednesday doesn't care about anyone but her bug, Lenny doesn't seem to care about anything, Roy said he'd watch us die, and Rick's a self obsesses egomaniac, and Doof well doesn't seem to be bothered but any of it!" There're tears streaming from her face now, weeks worth of frustration pouring from her. "I'm only one you ever complain about! Me!"
"THAT'S BULLSHIT!"
Rick's stop laughing. Her rant having broken his patience.
"You think you've got the right to tell me you've got it bad!? I've been taking shit from this team since Los Santos! Something you've always been the cheerleader of you little bitch!"
"You deserve it." She seethes.
"And you don't!?" He demands. "In fact what have you actually done for this team besides bitch and moan?"
"I helped two challenged ago."
"OH YOU MEAN THE ONE WE LOST!? THAT ONE? You want to know want I did? I one won us every challenge until the Rodney House. You hear me bitch? Every. Challenge. But one. You complain about people like Roy being on the team? He's only here because we haven't lost enough challenges to get rid of people like him. You want to know who's responsible for that?"
"Tick Tock." Joker sings.
"Rick with don't have time for this." Doof says.
"SHUT UP DOC, THIS IS IMPORTANT!" Rick snarls jabbing a finger at the Beatrice. She shrinks back "I'm sick her bullshit. Tell me the truth and tell it to my face. Did you deny me the cure for my legs?"
"There's wasn't any way to bring it to you." Beatrice whimpers, there's no hope in controlling her sporadic breathing now. Rick's lips curl vengefully.
"Low and behold the story changes. Now let's see if it changes again before that girl dies."
"There was a hot spring, we found it by chance, It cured my curse and Bentley's legs." She's opening weeping now. "That's the real story I swear."
"Great. Why didn't I hear about this yesterday?"
"Rick please…"
"Answer the question Beatrice."
"Rick he'll kill her!"
"ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION!" Rick roars. Beatrice breaks down sobbing.
"It was out of spite… I didn't want you to get better…I-"
"LOUDER BITCH!"
"Rick…"
"SAY IT TO MY FUCKING FACE!"
"THAT'S ENOUGH" Indy shouts.
"DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING IDEA WHAT'S IT'S LIKE THIS CHAIR!? Rick howls. "THIS LITTLE BITCH THINKS SHE GETS TO DECIDE THAT I DESERVE IT!? SHE GET'S THAT RIGHT WHEN I'VE BEEN CARRYING THE TEAM ON MY BACK WHILE SHE'S BEEN RUNNING OFF WITH HER LITTLE SLUT FRIEND NOT FUCKING HELPING!?"
Doof glares at him "Rick that's too far!"
"DON'T YOU EVER TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
"Just over a minute left." Joker reminds them.
"Alright I'm sorry!" Doof says. "Please for evil's sake. Let's just move on to your secret."
Rick ignores him, trembling with rage he turns back to Beatrice.
"YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU WANT TO HELP THIS TEAM YOU FLITHY SLUT!? PICK THAT GUN UP OFF THE TABLE AND FUCKING KILL YOUSELF."
"Rick…" she croaks. "The girl… please. The girl."
"IT'LL BE YOUR FAULT IF SHE DIES WHORE!"
"Your daughter wouldn't want this." Doof say desperately. Rick cackles.
"My daughter wouldn't want this? I had to a build a pocket dimension to the neighbourhood kids safe from her and she still found a way to lure a kid in there an essentially kill him. A couple mouths back she got me to make a clone of her so could abandon her whiny kids and loser husband. So no Doof. My daughter would absolutely fucking approve of this."
"What about Dipper?"
"WHAT ABOUT HIM? HE WAS A SNOT NOSE BRAT THAT THOUGHT HE WAS HOT SHIT BECAUSE HE WAS RELATED TO A GENIUS. THE LITTLE TURD WAS ACTING TO CLINGY SO I SEND HIM HOME WITH THE PORTAL GUN!"
"RICK NO!" Doof cries horrified.
"RICK YES!" Rick shouts. "I FUCKING GOT RID OF HIM! JUST LIKE I'M GETTING RID OF THIS SLUT FIRST CHANCE I GET! LET THAT BE A LEASON TO ANYONE WHO EVER TELLS ME WHO I AM AND WHAT I FUCKING DESERVE!"
He spits the last few words into the Doof's face. There's a horrible silence immediately after that lingers between the group. The only the sounds being Rick's labouring panting and the sobs of Beatrice and the captive girl.
Joker taps the empty hourglass with one hand. "Well unfortunately you're out of time. However because you all made that so entertaining, I'll give you one last chance to save the girl."
He knees down in front of Wednesday. "Miss Addams, answer one little question and your team wins."
She looks at him suspiciously. "What question?"
He grins. "Kindly explain to your friends what you did to get your pet back last night."
Wednesday's eye twitches. She stares the Joker for a moment. Then without warning grabs the spare pistol off the table and points it at the girl.
"NO!" Shrieks Beatrice.
Wednesday squeezes the trigger and the girl screams. A huge burst of smoke explodes out of the barrel. When it fades, the girl's unharmed.
There's a red flag sticking on of the gun barrel with four simple letters written on it.
BANG
Beatrice let's out a wail and collapses to the ground. Sobbing brokenly. The Joker applauds.
"Spectacular finish! Stupendous, Sensa-" He pauses. There's wild applause coming from the darkness.
"That's funny." He says scratching his head. "I wasn't planning on having an audience for this challenge."
The lights flash on, fulling illuminating the tent. There, packed in the front of the stands are dozens upon dozens of police officers and detectives. Some clapping sarcastically, others aiming their own guns. The Joker grin disappears.
"Well… that's less fun."
...
An hour later. The entire cast has gathered in the elimination room where they watch the door expectantly. The Fact Hunter's sit apart from each other, their sense of kinship with each other shattered irreversibly.
The door opens and they look up. A man in a grey suit and a black cowl with two pointed ears walks in. Followed immediately by Conner, happily munching on a sandwich.
"Hello everyone. Look who I found."
"WHERE WERE YOU TODAY!?" Indy demands.
Conner holds up a finger for a moment, then shallows his food.
"Thing is I was going to join you. Then." He takes another bite. "I remembered that scene from the Dark Knight Returns. The one with the talk show host I voiced in the animated adaption." He pauses to chew. "And I decided that… maybe that wasn't a good idea after all." He shallows a takes another bite. "This is really good by the way. See nobody talks about this. But Gotham's in South Jersey, close to Phily. So, there's this intense rivalry between the two over who can make the best cheesesteak." He savours his food for a moment. "…And right now, I'm favouring Gotham."
The contestants glare as he turns his full attention back to the cheesesteak. His guest scowls and turns to the others.
"You'll be relieved to know after this stunt today, Joker's bound for a long stint back in Arkham Asylum." His nostrils flare. "However. Before he does. Your host insisted he come to apologies."
"It was more he told me to tell you that. And I was scared for my life." Conner clarifies.
"Joker's not exactly kind to people, even when they follow his orders." His guest growls.
"When, most people can't hide in other dimensions can they?" Conner asks whipping his fingers on his super suit.
He guest grumbles and steps aside. Peter and Chewie lead Joker into the room. The clown now bound by a straitjacket.
"Thank you, Batman, for the kind introduction. Contestants! How good it is to see you all again. Did you miss me?"
Cold stares of contempt from most the contestants. Joker grins.
"Please, please. Spare me your admiration it's too much to bear. Quill be a dear."
"Yes, but what I don't exactly have a say do I?"
He offers Joker a handkerchief to blow his nose, then tucks in in the clowns back pocket.
"See. I'm here because I love three of you so much, I had to beg your host to give them a special reward."
"That sounds dangerous." Yao comments. The Joker laughs.
"Oh it's nothing of the sort. Now can I get three favorite contestants, Tails, Lapis Lazuli and Wednesday Addams to sit right up here on front of me."
The three walk over and sit down on the cushions closest to the Joker.
"No but seriously this is a trick isn't it?" Lapis asks.
"Is it?" Says Tails.
"It is." Wednesday says.
"I assure you it's not." The Joker insists. "Mile 'Tails' Prower, Lapis Lazuli and Wednesday Addams, Congratulations! In honour of being my favorite contestants today. You've just won a one way trip OUT OF THIS GAME!"
"WHAT!?"
"SAYONARA!" The Joker cries, lunging back into the control panel on the wall. All three contestants are sucked down out of sight while the room around them erupts in outrage.
"Lapis!" Athena shouts.
"Tails!" Bentley cries.
"DUDE!" Amethyst yelps. "How could you do that!? Now I'm down to two teammates!"
"Actually, you're down to zero." Conner corrects.
"What!?"
Conner drops his sandwich and tears off his costume.
"CONGRATULATIONS EVERYONE YOU MADE IT TO THE MERGE! HIT IT CHEWIE!"
Chewie hits another switch. A disco ball emerges from the ceiling and confetti cannons fire. Triumphant trumpets begin to blare.
Ce-le-brate good time, come on
Yahoo!
It's a celebration.
"No more Flower Girl! No more Shorty Squad! No more Fact Hunters! No More teams!" Conner shouts over the music. "We've reached a glorious new era of this show and it's gonna rock things to it's very core. So join us next time for a very exciting episode of Total Dram Endless! Goodnight everybody!"
The other staff stream in and starts dancing. As Batman and the contestant stand there rigid with shock.
Yahoo!