Total Drama Endless

by NondescriptNorbert

Total Drama back again! This time there's new twists, a cast of twenty seven fictional characters, and most importantly; a new host. The story isn't over. Epilogue part 4/6. Wonderland is gone. The girl in the looking glass stares back.

22. Hogwarts

Total Drama Endless, Episode Fifteen, Part Two

...

---

The lasts rains of autumn had swept over the Scottish Highlands and in their wake came the chill of winter.

Deep in the wilds of the Cairngorms, the rains and winds had battered the ancient magical walls of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Its windows had rattled, it's roof had groaned, the trees on it's grounds had been thrashed about while it's lawns grew sodden and it's loch overflowed it's banks. But never the less, the castle and her precious pupils had survived another dreary Highlands fall just as it had every year for a millennia. Now in the early weeks of December as 1996 was drawing to a close the harsh rains were replaced by soft snows. Heavy flakes bundled the wizarding school in white blanket of snowfall, while inside it's many students and teachers were busying themselves with all affairs magical.

At least most of them.

The projector flickers in the dim light of the circular classroom. Despite her novice at it, Charity Burbage seems to be managing its upkeep quite well. At the front of the classroom an illustration of a very unmagical looking fission reactor is projected for all to see. Standing beside it is in his tweed three-piece suit is Hogwarts most recent professor, Doctor Henry Jones Jr.

"To oversimplify, what happened in The Ukraine in 1986 was due to a poorly done safety test and standard Soviet cost cutting." He lectures. "The water levels in Chernobyl reactor 4 dropped to an extent that the fuel rods and the graphite core melted. The excessive heat involved converted any remaining water into steam. The steam in the reactor then exploded violently. Sheering the roof from the plant and releasing clouds of radioactive debris across Europe."

"Hang on then?" Asks a sixth year, a blonde boy with the yellow and black striped tie of a Hufflepuff. "I thought was the atoms themselves that were supposed to explode in muggle weapons?"

"In muggle weapons Macmillan." Doctor Jones corrects him. "This was a power plant. It wasn't supposed to explode." He turns back to the slides. "Moscow being Moscow tried to cover up the disaster. However the scope of what had happened forced them to eventually admit things. The loss of face, together with the policies of Glasnost and Perestroika, the loss of the Soviet-Afghan War, the introduction of Western media, and general economic insatiability across the Warsaw Pact helped accelerated the general collapse of communism in Muggle Europe three years later… Which we will be discussing further next time."

A magical bell suspended over the door frame has just begun to ring. The students having been lost in the lecture return to senses and with the sound of scraping wood on stone sit up from their desk and begin collecting their things.

"Homework, I want a two-page essay on the basics of how a fission reactor generates power." He calls to his students as they make to leave. "Remember Macmillan, that's with a pen and paper not quill and parchment."

"Yes Professor Jones."

"Another successful class Professor" Chirps Charity. "I've never seen the students so interested in the Muggle world until your lot showed up. You've really got a knack for the subject."

"Yes. Let's hope" Jones says modestly, polishing his spectacles. He watches her leave out of the corner of his eye then slides his glasses back on and a grabs a copy of the Scottish Daily Mail out of his hammerspace. He's only had time to skim the headlines when someone clears their throat.

He peers over his paper. One of his students A young woman with golden blonde hair and a Hufflepuff uniform is staring at him expectantly.

"Do you have a question about today's lesson Miss Toadstool?"

Princess Peach shakes her head politely. "Oh no I thought was wonderful, even If I didn't understand most of it. Anyways, I was wondering…. Or more so Athena was wondering…"

Indy sighs and abandons the pretence of a professional student-teacher relationship.

"Princess, tell your Olympian friend I wouldn't be as useful as she thinks alright? If she can't crack Conner's riddle what chance do I have?" He casts an aside glance at his cluttered desk. "Besides… I have papers to grade."

Peach laughs a musical little laugh.

"Oh but surely this is more important isn't it?"

"Princess I hear you turned down Dumbledore's prefect offer again." Indy says quickly, changing the topic. "Hufflepuff still needs one to replace that poor Hannah Abbot girl. Why turn it down?"

"Because we're not staying very long of course." Peach insists as if this was obvious. Indy gives her a doubting glance.

"You still believe you're getting out of here Princess?"

"Well… yes. Why wouldn't I? Just because we've had a little hiccup figuring out our first clue doesn't mean we won't solve it." She smiles warmly at him. "And we'd love to have your help."

Indy meets her gaze with a muted expression then glances back at his desk. "Charity's probably waiting to see these. We'll continue this conversation another time."

"Alright." Peach says cheerfully.

He scoops up the papers and stores them in his hammerspace then walks over to the door of the classroom and offers her the door. "No hard feelings alright Princess?"

"Not at all. I understand, But I do hope you change your mind soon. Athena's really starting to worry."

…

Later that night. Bentley yawns again as he marches back and forth across the near empty common room of Ravenclaw tower. Athena, the only other person in the room sits at one of the side tables the other students use for homework. Watching him pace with her pale grey eyes.

"You're going to runt a grove through the floor if you're not careful." She observes.

"My apologies but I find the movement helps keep me awake." Bentley says. "Some of us still need to sleep you know."

"You be free to submit yourself to Hypnos all you want once we've escaped this place. Come review our notes again."

She drums on the table impatiently as the turtle tiredly waddles back to his seat. To be fair to Bentley her frustration doesn't stem from him. Quite the contrary, she had found him as intelligent as Aesop had claimed his kind to be. And yet despite that they had accomplished precious little together.

After the initial shock of being abandoned had worn off the first thing most of the cast had done was come together as a group and interrogate Letsplay Lenny.

Through him they had learnt as much of the events of the world they now called home and the book series it existed as in Lenny and Markus's world.

According to them, by the end of the school year in the coming June a group of dark wizards would be snuck into the castle by one of the Slytherin students (Draco Malfoy). Starting an altercation that would leave the headmaster dead and the Dark Lord Voldemort free to assume power the fallowing autumn. As Conner's hint had been to follow the story, they had all agree to not interfere with Malfoy and his plotting. That may sound paradoxical. But the fear of interrupting their story before they needed too and losing the trail home was strong enough that none of them wanted to do anything more than observe him from a distance. Besides they still had over half a year until his plan was complete, at which point most of them were hoping they'll be long gone. In the meantime, since their first week, The Shorty Squad, Flower Girl, Lenny and Doctor Doofenshmirtz had been spending as much free time as they could searching every story relevant nook and cranny of Hogwarts castle and the surrounding grounds. A difficult task when one took into account the immense size of the school and the amount of work its students were required to complete in a week.

"Let's see…" Bentley says shuffling through there dense pile of scrolls and parchments and inspecting one.

"So you maintain that all narrative leads in the Forbidden Forest have been exhausted?"

"I've spoken at length with the centaur colony and they speak of nothing out of the ordinary. Have you Yao and Amethyst broken into the Camber of Secrets yet?"

Bentley grimaces. "We found the entrance easy enough, but I'm struggling with the parseltongue. I'm not exactly used to trying to speak snake."

"How could that be so? You're a reptile?"

"It's harder than it looks." He insists. "And it's not like there's a bunch of snakes lying around to practice on."

"Then get Potter to do it for you." Athena retorts. Bentley looks up at the ceiling and sighs.

"We've been trying, but after how much Deadpool heckled him he doesn't seem to be in the mood to give any of us extradimensionals so much as the time of day."

The most notable even of the fall came in mid November when to their immense surprise the cast of Total Drama Infinite 2 had shown up the great doors of the castle. Left there by their version of Chris Mclean to do a challenge of their own. The reunion had been a mixed blessing. On one had it was nice to see some familiar faces, and have some new house mates. Yao especially had been very pleased to have new Gryffindors. However soon enough their new friends left as easily as they had arrived without any sign of having been abandoned. Athena felt that knowing that even Chris Mclean, the supposed sadistic founder of their games wouldn't leave his contestants to the same fate Conner had hadn't done wonders for the moral of the Endless cast.

Still all the same, they carried on. Leaving no stone unturned, trying to keep up with their classes and above all trying to stay hopeful. But the Goddess had to admit it was beginning to wear on here. Here she had more wisdom about the world around her then she had since leaving Mount Olympus, and what good was it doing her? Like Apollo's priestesses at Delphi she knew the fates of nearly everyone who walked within the castle walls. Everyone but herself and her castmates.

Bentley places his hands on his checks and stares resignedly at their notes.

"Athena I know I keep circling back to this but I think we're just going to have to wait and see if anything happens during Slughorn's Christmas party."

Athena groans. "I still maintain I can't see anything happening there that'd change our fortune."

"Neither do I." Bentley admits. "It doesn't seem very important, but it ties into the Malfoy plot and there nothing else story relevant happening anytime soon so it's the best we got. Otherwise you better pray to your family we stumble on some good ideas soon because I'm plum out."

Suddenly a loud noise up in the dormitories shakes them from there conversation. It sounds like motorcycle engine in deep distress. Bentley sighs.

"Rats. He's awake."

Their least favorite housemate comes staggering down the stair from the boy's dormitory. He's breath stinking of liquor as he sings horribly off key.

"Well, I'm not dumb but I can't understand
Why she walked like a woman but talked like a man
Oh my Lola
La-la-la-la Lola
La-la-la-la Lola"

"Where are you off to this time of night?" Athena asks disapprovingly as Rick Sanchez shuffles by their table.

"Raiding Snape's firewhiskey stash." He replies causally.

Athena looks at him in alarm. "Are you mad?"

"Relax he's been up to three bottles a week since the Infinite cast, their inferior Rick and his little floosy were here. He's not going to notice a couple gone."

"And when he does?" Bentley asks.

"If he does It's totally cool. I've got a scapegoat. I stash all my empty bottles under Hagrid's hunt."

"What!?"

"I know it's awesome." Rick laughs. "I'm gonna make him and Snape ******** hate each other."

He cackles as the other too glare at him.

"You're a prefect servant of Eris aren't you Sanchez?" Athena says.

"Don't ever forget it!" Rick smirks. "Anyway I'd love to keep talking but I'd rather be getting **** faced son! Later assholes."

He stumbles out of the common room. And they hear him sing his way down the corridor as he leaves.

"Girls will be boys and boys will be girls
It's a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world, except for Lola
La-la-la-la Lola"

"Sometimes I wonder how much we could get done if he put his mind towards helping us instead of destroying it with liquor." Bentley muses tiredly.

Athena's nostrils flare. "I try not to dwell on it. Never in all my wisdom would I have thought Rick Sanchez would turn out to be a worse ally then adversary." She tries to pull her gaze away from the door and back to their notes.

…

"I'm sure he'll change his mind soon Athena."

It's the next morning. The Three remaining Flower Girls have reunited at the Hufflepuff table in the great hall. Peach has just finished explaining her encounter with Indy as Athena picks at her boring British breakfast, sorely missing the dishes of her native Mediterranean.

"I suppose it's better than nothing Princess." She says. "Stubborn as Jones is, keep trying to persuade him. We still have a better chance convincing him than Sanchez."

"You have my sympathy putting up with him all day Athena." Doof says darkly. "Rick's the biggest bully I've meet outside of Drusselstein. And that's no small feat you know. There were some real jerks back home. One time, back in Gimmelshtump…"

He suddenly stares off into the middle distant as he recounts a moment from his childhood. Athena and Markus glance at each other.

"What's come over him?" She asks.

"Oh he's just reliving part of his tragic backstory." Letsplay Lenny says causally. "Perfectly normal Doofenshmirtz behavior. Give him two minutes and he'll be back."

"I'm sorry Rick's been so difficult Athena." Peach says, getting them back on topic. "I'm not sure why he wouldn't want to help."

Athena rolls her eyes. "His motives are anything but mysterious. He knows he'll be next to be eliminated so he's drawing out the challenge just like Janna did."

"Can't disagree there." Lenny said.

"Still I wish he'd hurry it up." Markus sighs. "I'm getting tired of my snake gang."

"But Markus I thought you were getting along with your house mates in Slytherin?" Peach says surprised.

"Yeah but… like. How do I say it? They don't talk like we talk Peachy aight? Ever'body over there's a fake ass ******* that like gets off on trash talking ever'body else."

"That's Slytherin for you." Ernie Macmillan says resignedly as he helps himself to more porridge. "They don't trust anyone that doesn't conform."

"I'm surprised they even let you sit with us." Another Hufflepuff boy, Justin Finch-Fletchley says.

Sure, enough there's an uneasy murmuring at the Slytherin table.

"Blaise."

"What Parkinson?"

"He's doing it again."

Pansy Parkinson looks over her shoulder. She see Markus sitting at the Hufflepuff table and scowls.

"What does he think he's doing rubbing elbows with mudbloods and blood traitors?"

"He's just there to see some old friends, leave him alone." Amethyst insists. Pansy glares at her.

"Look I don't care about your little competition pals. No true Slytherin is 'friends' with other houses."

Just then a slender sliver blonde hair boy rushes over to the table in a hurry. It's none other than Draco Malfoy himself.

"Dracoooo." Pansy whines. "Obasi's dishonouring the house again. Can you hex him for me?"

"No time." Draco says, grabbing a piece of toast and scarfing it down hastily. "Get someone else to deal with it. I'm busy. Come on Crabbe, Goyle."

He dashes off again, two burly boys his age get up and leave with him. Pansy groans melodramatically.

"Fine! Nott! Deal with Markus!"

"Make Zabini deal with him." Nott says

"I'm not getting anywhere close to that mud blood table. Make Amethyst do it."

"Uh, ya'll may be my peeps but I ain't doing your dirty work. Pansy you suggested it. You do it."

"I'm not doing it that's why I asked one of your lot." She snaps. "Roy deal with this."

"Bold of you to assume you can control me Parkinson." Roy says without looking up from the book of wizard sculptures he barrowed from library. Pansy sighs again

"Fine! Beatrice! Be useful for once."

"What? No! Do it yourself." Beatrice says grumpily.

"Millicent!" Pansy barks.

On command a burly looking sixth year girl with dark hair kicks Beatrice from her bench.

The other Slytherin girl's laugh as she falls to the floor. Beatrice gets up, and dusts herself off. Then after a savage glare marches over to the Hufflepuff table. No one acknowledges her at first. They're all to engaged in their conversation.

"Cheer up Markus." Peach says smiling at her friend. "Have a little hope and I'm sure we'll be on to our next adventure in no time."

She opens her hammerspace, then frowns.

"Oh that's a shame."

"What." Markus asks.

"I was going to offer you some of my sweats but it seems I-"

"Ate them all?" Markus guesses. Peach grins embarrassedly.

"Maybe."

"I'll get you some from Hogsmeade next time we visit Princess." Ernie says. "It'll be my Christmas gift."

"Same." Justin says.

"Yo we still here by Christmas I'll pitch in for that." Markus says. Peach giggles.

"Oh boys! You're all so kind."

Beatrice clears her throat loudly. Catching their attention. Athena's eyes narrow.

"What is it you desire Fact Hunter?"

Beatrice scowls at her. "I'm not a Fact Hunter. This is merge remember? We're not supposed to be on teams anymore?"

She cast a judgmental look at Markus.

"Just because we're not a team doesn't mean we can't still be friends." Peach says innocently. "You still have friends on your old team don't you?"

Beatrice's nostrils flare. Markus turns to the others and gives them an apologetic look.

"Yo, I think I better head out. We'll hang after class."

…

First class of the day for Slytherins is charms. Amethyst is already at her desk, playing absent mindedly with her wand when Beatrice sits down and begins pulling her quills and parchment out of her book bag aggressively.

"Hey, kid. What's up? You seem grumpier than usual." Amethyst notes.

"I'm not grumpy I'm just sick of being in this crummy school." She huffs slamming her spell book down on the desk.

"Why?" Amethyst looks around then lowers her voice. "Is it because no one like you?"

"What!? No! It's a lot of things." Beatrice looks away embarrassedly. "…But also kind of. Yeah."

"Well maybe if you tried talking to everyone else you'd find you've got a lot in common."

"I don't want to find out we have things in common. They're all jerks!"

Amethyst laughs. "Yeah, but their fun jerks, know what I'm saying? Just give 'em a chance and I'm sure they'd like you."

Beatrice groans. "With my luck I'd doubt it."

She pulls out her inkwell. It shakes for a moment then ink suddenly blast out of it like a geyser.

Beatrice lets out a loud cry as she falls to the floor for the second time this morning. Her classmates laugh. She balls her fists in rage and howls at the ceiling.

"PEEVES!"

There's a sound of cackling and a moment later a ghoulish little man with a jester's hat and loud clothing appears out of thin her, hoovering over her.

"Ha ha! Looks like your school things don't like you neither do they Beasty?" Peeves, the school poltergeist asks howling with laughter. "You should see the look of yourself."

Blushing red with outrage, Beatrice pulls herself to her feet and examines herself. Her grey school jumper now stained with green ink. She grits her teeth and storms off to off to find a washroom, her fellow Slytherins jeering at her as she leaves.

She marches through the ancient corridors of the castle, so consumed by her bad mood that she doesn't notice Professor Slughorn until she's run into him.

"Oho what do we have here? Late to class are we?" He asks, a single eyebrow raise in mock disproval.

"Just looking for a washroom to clean up sir." Beatrice says flustered. Slughorn laughs a jovial laugh making his bushy silver mustache dance.

"No need for that my dear girl, you're a witch aren't you? Let me see your jumper. Tergeo!"

He flicks his wand at Beatrice's sweater. At once it siphons the drying ink from it, leaving her spotless.

"Thanks." She mutters awkwardly.

"Happy to be of hand my dear miss- uh.."

"Beatrice."

"Beatrice." Slughorn says happily. "Yes happy to be of service, although perhaps in exchange you wouldn't mind me asking a favour from you?"

Beatrice blinks in confusion. "From me?"

"Yes dear girl you. See I've greatly enjoy having your group and that other traveling band of misfits pay visit to Hogwarts the same year I've return to the castle. Call it Fortuitous even." He chuckles. "Then again I have always prided myself on being a magnet for talent. I don't know If you've heard, but I've gained something of a reputation for my Christmas parties. I'll be throwing one on the 22nd and I'd be very grateful if you asked some of your friends if they'd like to attend. Athena, Yao perhaps, and particularly that rascal Richard Sanchez. I know Professor Jones has alluded to you two having a history together. You'll ask him for me won't you?"

Beatrice's expression turns grizzly. "Sure." She says in a restrained voice. "I'll ask him."

"Splendid!" Declares Slughorn. "It'll make me the envy of my associates to have so many of your colourful friends there. Princess Peach has already agreed to come. Struck up a chat with her just yesterday, and we bounded very quickly over our shared love of Honeydukes. Delightful girl she is. Naturally gifted, noble lineage, charming personality. I can see why she's so universally beloved."

He smiles to himself then tussles Beatrice's hair. Completely obviously to her darkening mood.

"Well I'm glad I bumped into to you. Do take care now miss Bertha."

He toddles away humming merrily. Leaving Beatrice alone in the hall, seething with injustice.

…

Fortunately for Beatrice one think at least goes right with her day. The Charms Professor, Filius Flitwick only arrived after she's returned. The normally cheerful teacher comes in muttering darkly about the same problem she's facing, Rick Sanchez. Understandable, as Filtwick is head of Ravenclaw House. Fortunately, he returns to his usual demeanor soon enough, and by the time their charms work is finished (Turning vinegar to wine was the day's lesson.) not only has Beatrice survive the rest of it without incident but her Housemates have lost interest in her. Having turned their attention back to the other black sheep of their grade.

"You realise your trading down talking to those Hufflepuff an Ravenclaw girls don't you Markus?" Daphane Greengrass, another girl in their grade asks. Markus simply laughs off the question.

"Ay yo, I know what you're getting at and it's a god damn lie, aight? I ain't looking to get with anybody. Those Ladies are my Flower Girl homies dawg. We've been tight before I meet any of ya'll Slytherin *******."

"You got sorted into Slytherin and they didn't." Blaise Zabini says sternly. "You're worth more than them."

Markus sighs.

"****** you know life ain't all high school right? Like at some point you gotta just get out there and not just be the role they assigned you. That and also, I have to hang out with them, cause we're like trying to escape my ******."

"True that son." Says Amethyst.

Pansy rolls her eyes. "Really, even that blonde tart, Prissy or whatever her name is? She's helping with your escape plan?"

"Don't knock my Peachy aight?" Markus says giving Pansy a look of slight offense. "I get that she started the game dumb as hell but she's like my best friend in the world now. Be good to her."

"More like she's friends with anyone that buys her candy." Beatrice mutters. Pansy and the other girl snicker. Markus scowls.

"She's not like that. You don't know her like I do."

"How much is there to know?" Beatrice asks. "Because it doesn't seem like there's a lot going in her head."

That comment warrants a full laugh from Amethyst, Pansy, Daphne this time and even coxes a smirk from the Blaise. Beatrice smiles. Her self confidence, so wounded after Gotham stirs in the cell it was languishing in.

"She's changed." Markus says defensively. "She's one of the last three Flower Girls and she earned that ****! You think we let her get this far because she asked nice?"

"That seems to be how she get's everything else." Beatrice muses.

"She's right." Pansy giggle. "I've seen her Markus. All she has to do is bat those fake eyelashes and all those little Hufflepuff boys tumble over themselves to pour out their pockets."

"Lay off my friend." Markus says, glaring now at Beatrice. She smirks at him and taps her chin playful.

"What was it Lenny used to say again? That back home all 'Peachy' ever does is sit around and eat cake while her boyfriend saves her kingdom for her."

"Here she comes now!" Pansy squeals delightedly.

The Slytherins restrain their laughter as Peach comes strolling down the corridor with Professor Slughorn. The Potion Professor practically prancing in delight at being in the company of the young Princess.

"…Much as I hope we'll be gone soon, Part of me does very well hope we stay long enough for your party Professor."

"Oh yes indeed I very much hope soon. You and your friends will the be envy of all my other guest I assure you. And they're always quite the exhaled bunch you know. I have always prided myself on being a magnet for talent after all.

"I'm sure it will be wonderful to meet more the colourful people this world has to offer. And maybe sample more of it's sweets too."

"Oh my dear Princess you needn't worry about any maybes there. Pumpkin pasties, Caldron cakes, crystallised pineapple and sweets and finger foods of every kind and delight my dear."

"I have been wanting to try crystallised pineapple. Since you speak of it so fondly."

"Then will have double the amount."

"Oh! How thoughtful of you."

"For you my dear Peach anything."

The Slytherins girls wait until the two are out of ear shot before howling with laughter.

"Did you hear her?" Pansy cries. "'Oh how thoughtful of you Professor? You're right Beatrice she is a little flirt."

"'I'll do whatever you want for sweets." Beatrice sings in an airy baby voice. Pansy shrieks in delight.

"That's it! She sounds just like that."

She and the other girl's (Including Amethyst) laugh shamelessly. Markus gives them one last look disgust then storms off.

"What's his problem?" Daphne asks.

"Probably going back to his little gold digging mudblood friend." Blaise says with a smirk at Beatrice. "She really is everything that Miu girl made her out to be."

"You're telling me." Beatrice sighs. "I'm so tired of her playing miss perfect." She makes a stupid face and flips her hair. 'I'm Princess Peach! Shower me with gifts and attention! Buy me candy! Buy me Jewelry! You'll need fat pockets to please this girl!' Come on! How pampered can you be?"

She hops up into a banister and flicks her wand, turning her auburn curls golden blonde.

"Some boys kiss me
Some boys hug me
I think they're ok" She sings.

"If they don't give me proper credit
I just walk away"

She's caught the attention of most of the student in the hall now. She jesters to Peach and Slughorn in the distance and the crowd laughs. Beatrice twirls one of her quills and transfigures it into a golden crown for added effect.

"They can beg and they can plead
But they can't see the light"

"that's right." The crowd muses.

"'Cause the boy with the cold hard cash
Is always Mister Right"

Beatrice slides down the banister.

'Cause we are living in a material world
And I am a material girl"

She reaches the bottom and poses dramatically as some passing boys catch her.

"You know that we are living in a material world
And I am a material girl"

They sent her down as she sticks her nose up at them.

"Ah, ah."

She saunters into the hall, a whole crowd of students watching as she flicks her wand and at once jewelry and valuables start soaring out off of other students and into her waiting hands.

"Some boys romance
Some boys slow dance
That's all right with me
If they can't raise my interest then I
Have to let them be."

She spies Peach and Markus walking down the stairs. Markus takes one look at Beatrice and her crowd and starts steering his friend away.

"Some boys try and some boys lie but
I don't let them play (no way)
Only boys who save their pennies
Make my rainy day"

"Markus?" Peach asks, noticing the crowd. "Who are they talking about?"

"No one! Nothing! Yo Peachy don't pay attention-"

But it's too late Peach catches sight of Beatrice. Her jaw drops in horror.

"'Cause we're living in a material world
And I am a material girl
You know that we are living in a material world
And I am a material girl"

Beatrice spots her. Peach turns to leave. But Beatrice and her crowd separate her from Markus and corner her. Beatrice appears in front of her grinning viciously.

"Living in a material world
And I am a material girl
You know that we are living in a material world
And I am a material girl"

Peach makes a run for it.

"Ah, ah"

By now the castle itself has gotten aboard with the teasing.

"Ah, ah"

She ducks through a passageway full of suits of armour,

"Ow! Ow"

as she passes them they begin to chant.

"Living in a material world (material)
Living in a material world (Ah ah)
Living in a material world (material)
Living in a material world"

Another turn leans her back to the stairs and the crowd. Boys fawn over her sarcastically as she can hear Beatrice singing again.

"Boys may come and boys may go
And that's all right you see
Experience has made me rich
And now they're after me"

The crowd pulls back to show Beatrice onto the top of the stairs. Surrounding by supposed suitors like she's Marylin Monroe.

"'Cause everybody's living in a material world
And I am a material girl
You know that we are living in a material world
And I am a material girl"

She's descends the stairs and prances around Peach striking exaggerated movie star poses.

"Living in a material world
And I am a material girl
You know that we are living in a material world
And I am a material girl"

She throws her crown at the princess's feet. Peach pulls away and runs this time down the stairs.

Spotting a girl's bathroom she rushes in and hides in one of the stalls panting.

Behind her back Peeves rises up, a mischievous grin on his face.

"A material, a material, a material, a material world"

Peach runs shrieking out of the bathroom, while Peeves cackles and pelts her with toilet rolls.

"Living in a material world (material)
Living in a material world
Living in a material world (material)
Living in a material world (Ah ah)

Living in a material world (material)
Living in a material world
Living in a material world (material)
Living in a material…

A material girl."

…

"…Well look at it this way Peach. They can't keep this up forever."

A week's gone by, and there's had been dramatic reversal of fortune at Hogwarts. Beatrice on one hand had overnight cemented herself in the centre of the Slytherin clique, on the other Princess Peach had gone from admired to a laughing stock.

With the Slytherins it was understandable, they were always looking for any excuse to be vicious to anyone outside their house. What feel more hurtful was the few Ravenclaw's, Gryffindor's, and the one or two Hufflepuff's that had gotten in on the joke. It seemed really anyone that had gotten sick of the extradimensional presence at Hogwarts were taking out their frustration by making catcalls, demeaning faces and exaggerated expressions at Peach as she passed them in the halls.

"They'll get bored soon enough, and move on to something else." Bentley says flipping through his notebook.

"Dunno." Ernie Macmillan says scratching his neck awkwardly. "I remember back in year four, us Hufflepuff were pretty mean to Harry for about a mouth after we though he entered himself in the Triwizard Tournament weren't we Harry?"

"A little more than that actually." Harry Potter says tersely. "Thanks for the cozy memories Ern'"

Ernie grins apologetically. One of the few positives that came from Beatrice's bullying came about three days in. When Harry who had been doing his best to avoid the extradimensional students since the Infinite cast arrived suddenly warmed to them. He, some of his Gryffindor friends, The Flower Girls, the Shorty Squad (Sans Amethyst) and a few of the Hufflepuffs are currently studying together in an unused classroom.

Seamus Finnigan. A sandy haired Gryffindor boy laughs to himself.

"I remember last year it took me 'til that interview with the Quibbler 'til I believed Harry about You-Know-Who being back."

He laughs again but trails off when he gets an eyeful of Harry's expression.

"The point is." The Bushy haired Gryffindor girl, Hermione Granger says. "They did stop teasing Harry eventually."

"Yeah. Now he's the Chosen One and everyone loves him." Ernie says bracingly. "They'll come around to you too Peach. I'm sure of it."

Peach doesn't response. She's been sitting at a desk this whole time, Head buried in her arms, wrapped in her red cloak, apparently using it as a sort of comfort blanket.

Markus sighs and walks over to her.

"Don't let the haters get you down Peachy. You still got us."

He rubs her back affectionally. Peach looks up timidly and spies the Chocolate Frog he's placed in front of her nose. She smiles and takes it, revealing a little more of herself from beneath the cloak. There're still dark stains in her hair. Peeves had chased her down the third floor corridor that morning. Pelting Ink bottles at her and singing a ruder version of Material Girl all the while. Tormenting Peach was now a regular pastime for the poltergeist.

"Thank you Markus." She says quietly, unwrapping the sweet. It wiggles and squirms as she bites it's head off. "I'm sorry I'm not my usual Peachy self today."

"No need to apologies." Markus chuckles. "I just thought you'd be kind of used to this. You know with that ****** Bowser after you all the time."

"No! Bowser loves me." Peach says exasperatedly. "The problem with him is he loves me too much. I've never been hated like this before. Even with Wednesday it wasn't this bad. Beatrice and all her friends have been so personal, so cruel, so."

"Not very fun is it?" Harry asks. Peach sighs.

"No. I'm sorry you ever had to endear something like this Harry."

"Likewise." He says nodding curtly to her. He looks around to the room. "I'm sorry all of you are trapped in this mess. You seem like a good lot."

"We're not all Deadpool you know." Lenny chuckles.

"Yes. Well thank goodness for that."

"I thought he just wanted your autograph? What did he do to make you distrust us so?" Doof asks.

Harry looks briefly like he's having a war flashback.

"I'd…. Rather not say. Thanks."

"You know the sympathies nice and all. But we'd be out sooner if you let us Shorties into the Chamber of Secrets." Yao says grumpily. Harry grimaces.

"I could but I don't see the point. All you'd find now there is a basilisk skeleton."

"You could lend them your invisibility cloak Harry." Hermione offers. "They'd probably have a better used for it than use have lately."

"I'm telling you Malfoy's up to something." Harry says lowering his voice. "And this lot doesn't need to know about that any more they then need to hear about you attacking Ron for snogging Lavender Brown."

Hermione blushes and the two friends begining arguing quietly. Athena turns her attention back to Peach.

"I assume you've haven't stopped pestering Professor Jones for his help?" She asks. "He's running out of excuses not to. It'll be end of term by the end of the week. He should have all of winter break to lend us a hand."

Peach looks away awkwardly. "Oh… Yes well. Actually Professor Jones said he'd be busy all of break."

"He what!?" Athena demands angrily. "What does that mortal think he's doing?"

"Athena please don't me mad at him." Peach asks. But the Goddess has already stormed out of the classroom. It wouldn't take a seer to know where she's headed.

"I'm sure you'll be home before Christmas Peach." Ernie says confidently. "But in the meantime you really should consider becoming a prefect with me. Then next time that Beatrice tries to stick it to you, you can show her a thing or two and."

"I hope your not encouraging her to become a prefect just so she can abuse the position." Hermione says sternly. Hermione of course was a prefect herself, and took the role very seriously.

"I'm only saying she'd have more power to protect herself." Ernie insists. "And ever since Hannah got pulled out of school us Hufflepuff have been short one. Come one Peach, we've got our own private bath and everything, you'd love it."

"I'd be happy too but, Athena says too many personal responsibilities with make it harder to leave." Peach says. She smiles faintly at Ernie. "As nice as a private retreat sounds."

"If you're looking for somewhere like that theirs this brilliant room on the seventh corridor just opposite of the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy teaching trolls ballets." Neville Longbottom, another of Harry's Gryffindor friends' pipes in. "It transforms into anything you need, Harry found it for our DA meetings last year."

"Trust me pal, we already know plenty about the Room of Requirement." Yao assures him. Harry looks surprised.

"Do you? Why's that?"

Yao blinks releasing his mistake. The Endless cast gives him a disproving look.

"Where did you say this room was?" Peach asks innocently.

…

Fair above them in the tower where Muggle Studies is taught, all is calm.

"They've just elected a new Secretary-General of The United Nations."

Professor Jones looks up from the school work he'd been grading. Charity Burbage is sitting in a chair in the corner of their classroom, reading the muggle paper.

"Who?"

"The United Nations? You said that's the non-wizarding equivalent of the International Confederation of Wizards Isn't it? It says here they've a got a black fellow from Ghana named Kofi Annan taking the head job." Charity says.

"I see." Indy comments. "Ghana… That was a British colony called Gold Coast in my day. Isn't that where the runespoor is found?"

Charity laughs. "Burkina Faso, actually but I believe it's the same region." She sighs. "I'd love to see West Africa. Very rich magical history there."

"Charity remember when I recommended you get out of the country this summer?" Indy asks carefully. His colleague smiles longingly.

"Oh you know I'm saving my pennies Henry." Charity says. "I have to invest in retirement. I know it's a long day off but you have to start someday."

Indy grimaces slightly. He knew as a matter of fact that Charity wasn't going to see her retirement years. in fact, as far as Lenny told it she was due to meet a gruesome death at the hands of dark wizards next august.

"I've heard Charity that a vacation could add years to long life." Indy says conversationally.

Charity looks out into the hallway. "Oh speaking of a long life. It seems that Ms Athena's here to see you."

Indy sighs resignedly. "You might want to wait outside."

She nods and strolls out of the room just as Athena storms in. The war goddess scowling at him in distain.

"Whatever you have say, make it quick." He was impatiently as she opens her mouth. "I've got papers to grade."

Athena shuts her mouth then with a flick of her wand summons the assignment into hands and shreds them savagely.

"There, I've cleared your schedule."

Indy snatches the papers back looking outraged. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I could ask of you the same question!" She retorts. "Why in the name of every god atop Olympus are wasting your time with this teaching job?"

"Because it's my job sweetheart. You just said yourself" He says through gritted teeth. "I thought a Goddess of wisdom would understand that."

"You call yourself wise!?" Athena shouts angrily. "Cast your foolish mortal hubris aside and face reality! Your job is finding a way out of this world and continuing the tournament! You are supposedly of the most scholarly contestants still remaining in this game. And yet a month and a half has past, the plot has progressed, an entire sperate cast has arrived and left, and now one of my followers is being viciously tormented by one of your former team member, and you still refuse to help us!"

"Listen your divine pompousness have you ever considered that were better off here?"

Athena's eye narrow skeptically.

"You have ulterior motives." She hisses.

"Who said anything about that?" Indy says backtracking quickly.

"What is it about progressing these games that intimidates you Professor Jones?" Athena demands. "Do you not want to see them finished. Do you not want go home?"

Indy's face flushes with emotion. "No I don't want to go home!"

"Why not!?"

Indy reaches behind him and pulls down a political map of Europe. Most of the continent covered by a dark grey empire stretching out from Germany.

"How'd you like to go home to this!?" He asks. "I'm from 1939 honey! I've fought Nazis in the field enough to get very acquitted with there methods. Soon as I get back they launch the bloodiest war in human history. All of Europe, Paris, London, Moscow, your precious little Athens, everyone of them are about to see death and destruction on in industrial scale. And that's not even touching the Pacific."

"And yet your side was victorious…" Athena says squinting at the map.

"Yes. Then there's forty years of proxy wars with the Russians to look forward to." Indy says shortly. "Why put myself through that when I could stay here in the future and skip all of it?"

"Because the community you're establishing yourself in is also about to erupt into conflict and tyranny." Athena reminds him angrily. "Or have you forgotten that already?"

Indy laughs condescendingly then looks at the closed door of the classroom and lowers his voice.

"This community is nothing Athena. There're ten thousand wizards at most in the British Isles. That's a scale where someone like me can have significant impact."

Athena scoffs. "You think you can prevent Voldemort from taking power?"

"I'm saying is it's all about scale. Back home I am powerless against Hitler. Voldemort on the other hand, I can start dismantling the power structure that feeds him here in Hogwarts. After that Lenny knows where all his soul jars, his horcruxes are. A little negotiating and a little dusting off the archeologist skills and I can have them destroyed before he takes over the Ministry of Magic. And if all that doesn't work, I can abandon this damn community of luddites and set up roots in the real world. Maybe go back to the States and see if my college still exists."

Athena stares at him long and hard.

"You are a coward."

"I am no-"

"You are a coward!" She repeats furiously. "If you'd really disregard everyone and everything you've known to let them suffer then you haven't a drop of honour in your weak mortal soul."

"You don't understand!" Indy pleads. "I can help these people Athena. Back in the forties I'm just another spy at best, a solider in the trench at worst. You expect me to help us leave so I can go home and risk dying in battles I already know the outcome of?"

"If it is the destiny the fates have assigned for you. So be it" She retorts. "You're not in your place to question it." She looks at him in disgust. "Fleeing from your duties in your hometime? Have you no shame. This is the sort of behavior I expect of Sanch-"

"I AM NOT RICK!"

Indy says it so with such aggressive urgency, they both go quiet. Their left staring at each out in outrage, the only sound being Indy's heavy breathing.

"I'm not Rick." He repeats softly.

They stay frozen like that for a moment before finally Athena eyes narrow.

"…Then stop acting like him."

She spins around and storms out of the room, forcefully as she came in.

Indy collapses back into his chair with an exhausted sigh. As he does his eyes drift up to his old whip and Adventurer's hat, now just memorabilia gathering dust on one of his selves.

…

An hour later Peach finds herself creeping down the seventh floor corridor despite her best judgement. She had only asked the question to change the subject, and yet the prospect of an oasis from her tormentors allures her.

She stops in front of the tapestry and looks around. The only other person in sight is a first- or second-year girl sleeping against wall. She turns around at looks at the blank spot where the door will appear. Somewhere beyond that wall could be something that would make her time here at lot more barrable. But somewhere else inside there Draco Malfoy could be working on his dark plan at that very moment.

Her shoulders tense up nervously. She's being stupid even standing here. Malfoy's experiments in the room are part of the main plot of Half Blood Prince. If she messed that up the entire story would be derailed and then what would they do?

And yet... Part of her sorely wants to see what's beyond that wall. The idea reminds her of the Rodney House, so much potential for pleasantries, maybe she should just take a peek. Look. The door's already appeared there for her without her asking. Wait.

Too late she realises the meaning behind the door's appearance. She watches rooted to the spot as it swings open and Draco Malfoy steps out of it. He freezes when he sees her. Eye's wide with horror.

"What are doing here!?" He yelps. "You didn't see anything!"

"I'm sorry!" Peach cries. "I didn't…" Draco's eyes light up with recognition. He glares at her.

"I know you." He seethes. "You're that Hufflepuff girl Pansy's been on about. What did you think you'd get your revenge catching a Slytherin prefect doing something he shouldn't?" He draws his wand.

"Please." Peach begs. Already turning to run. "I was just in the wrong place in the wrong time."

"Then get out!" Malfoy shouts. "Go find some other boy to tease you filthy mudblood."

It's admittedly a weak insult. One Peach wouldn't normally bat an eye at. But after a week of constant beratement. It proves to much for her patience. She whips out her own wand.

"Oscausi!" She shouts.

Malfoy blocks her spell with a counter charm. His face contorts with rage.

"Petrificus Totalus!" He roars

His curse misses her by an inch.

"Stupefy"

"Reducto!"

"Relashio!"

The spells go rebounding around the hall, showering them with sparks. The noise wakes the little girl and she drops her set of scales as she flees in terror. Malfoy hurls another hex at Peach, and part of the wall next to her explodes. Bombarding her with sharp pieces of masonry. She staggers. Malfoy sneers.

"You're out of your depth mudblood!"

Peach glares at him and cries. "Locomotor Wibbly!"

Her curse hits Malfoy in the gut, and his legs collapse beneath him, sending him crashing to the floor. He groans then raise his wand again.

"Confrin-"

"SILENCE!"

Peach's heart skips a beat. Professor Snape is marching towards them. His face livid.

Malfoy smirks at her then bellows "SHE ATTACKED A PREFECT!"

Snape sweeps over Peach, his black cloak trailing behind him like it was made of shadows.

"Is this true?" He asks in a low voice.

"He was threating me first!"

"Silence!" Snape barks again. Peach shrinks back. His dark eyes boring into her with contempt.

"Miss Toadstool you and your merry band of adventures may operate under the assumption that you are above our rules here at Hogwarts but I assure you that is not the case. No matter how many boys are fawning over you."

Malfoy snickers, Peach's checks turn a shade of ruby.

"Fifty points from Hufflepuff." Snape says silkily.

"But that's not fair!" She cries.

"Sixty points then." Snape says coldly.

"But-"

"Miss Toadstool since you remain so insistent on disrespecting my authority I have no choice but too-"

"HOLD UP!"

The three of them turn their heads. Rich Sanchez is storming over to them. Scowling at Snape. The Professor returns the look.

"Sanchez. Is that Firewhiskey I smell on your breath?"

"None of your ******* business Snape. In fact nothing any of us Endless cast do is your is any of your god damn business."

"Really?" Snape replies dangerously. "And why pray tell may that be?"

Rick smirks savagely at him. "You're forgetting we know everything about this story. Characters, loyalties, motives."

Snape tenses up. "I don't understand."

"You understand perfectly." Rick says. "And you're gonna lay off bullying my fellow contestants before Malfoy gets to hear about your childhood crush."

Snape goes still for a moment. His face holds a certain calm expression one only wears when masking intense emotion.

"You're playing a very dangerous game." He says finally. "Miss Toadstool there will be no further punishment, but be warned should I catch you misbehaving again the consequences will be grislily."

"Yes sir." Peach pipes. Deeply revealed.

Snape looks around, examining the tapestry on the other wall. "Come Draco, I'd like a word."

"You're not letting them get away with this are you Professor?" Draco asks, looking dumbfounded.

"I said come!"

Snape sulks away. Draco lingers for a moment jabbing an accusatory finger at Rick.

"My Father will hear of this! You understand?"

Rick laughs. "You think I'm scared of Lucius ******* Malfoy? That weak ass piece of ****."

"He's stronger than you old man!" Draco snarls.

"Kid I'm on a post flanderized season of Total Drama and I made it to the merge. Your dad would be the first out even if he was in season one!"

Draco makes to retort but before he can Snape calls for him again.

"This isn't over." He growls.

Rick smirks at him. "Sure it isn't ya little turd."

Draco gives Rick a final loathsome glare then storms off. Peach turns to him, full of gratitude.

"Th-"

"Don't sweet it. I was in the area." He says gruffly continuing to stare at the hall Snape disappeared down with hatred. "Don't ever let them see they got to you Princess. Now let's get you washed up. You look like ****."

The Room of Requirement has reappeared next to them. Rick opens the door and ushers her into a unisex bathroom lined with sinks and mirrors. Peach runs one of the taps and starts washing the dust off her face.

"I shouldn't have hexed him." She says more to herself. "Normally I wouldn't but I'm so tired of those Slytherins."

"I get it. You needed a scapegoat." Rick says disinterestedly. "I'm familiar with the concept. Why do you think Beatrice is being such a bitch to you?"

"Beg your pardon?"

"God you're naïve. I quote on quote 'Traumatized' Beatrice back in Gotham. Now she's pissed at me but too much of a little ***** to say anything directly so she's targeting you instead."

"But what did I do to her?"

"Your weak, that's what you did to her." Rick says shortly. "You're a vulnerable target she can tear down to make her feel better about herself."

"That's not fair."

"Doesn't matter if it's ******* fair. It's basic human physiology. If you've never encountered it before you're more sheltered then you look."

"Well, you must not know me very well." Peach says, already starting to see why most of her fellow contestants don't like Rick. She turns her focus to washing up. Somehow some sort of red liquid spilled on her hand, perhaps from one of Malfoy's spells. She scrubs it off, only to find it mysteriously regenerate. Perplexed she examines in closer then gasps.

"What's up?" Rick askes.

"What's wrong with my hand?" Peach asks startled.

Rick grabs her by the wrist and examines it.

"You're bleeding from a cut on your palm."

"Will it stop?"

"Uh yes. What have you…"

He trails off. Peach is staring at him in terror.

"Uh…Have you… never seen blood before?" Rick asks surprised.

Peach shakes her head frantically. Rick lets go of her hand and stares at her with new interest.

"So uh… out of curiosity, what happens back in the Mushroom Kingdom when someone gets hurt?"

"They lose coins or a powerup." She explains confused. "Then if it happens too many times, they lose a life."

"Then what?"

"Then they come back."

"What about when they don't?"

"But they always come back."

Rick nods and looks away deep in thought, Peach watching him in fearful confusion.

"So uh… Peach another random question." Rick asks causally. "Who rules the Mushroom Kingdom, you or your father?"

Peach scoffs. "What does that have to do with anything? I do of course." She pauses. "I mean my father does. I mean I rule in his place. I mean…" She looks surprised.

"Here's another easy question; What's your mother's name?"

The Princess stares at him. "I…I don't know."

"Alright to hard." He consents. "This one's real easy. How old are you princess?"

Peach doesn't response, she simply stares at him fearfully.

Rick smiles almost victoriously. "You have gaps in your identity Princess."

Peach laughs feebly. "Oh, that's just some thing left over from the curse I was under, nothing more. I'm told I wasn't myself for a while there but besides the little hiccup I've been all better since the Carboniferous."

Rick raises an eyebrow. "That so? You sure you haven't experienced anything else since then that could be connected to your identity crisis?"

Peach goes still and avoids his gaze, staring into the mirror next to her.

The girl with the strawberry blonde hair stares back.

"No."

"What?"

"Nothing I can think of." Peach says, looking at her own reflection again. "I- I'd rather not talk about this, actually. I'll be going now."

"No! Peach! Hold up!"

She ducks out of the Room of Requirement. Rick chases after her in a sudden panic.

"PEACH! WAIT! I can't remember my mom either!"

Peach stops.

"What do you mean?" She asks uncertainly.

"You're not the only one with gaps." Rick says seriously. "I can't remember anything of my childhood, Dipper couldn't remember his home life, Yao couldn't remember his surname at sorting. Something's up with these ******** games and I'm starting to think if we figure out what caused that curse of yours, we can figure out the rest of it."

Peach grimaces. "I'm not sure…."

"I'll make it worth your time then." Rick offers. "You answer my questions and I'll teach you how to stand up to Beatrice."

Peach considers for a minute or two then nod.

"Okay."

They shake hands on it. Peach accidently getting her blood on Rick.

"Oh I'm sorry."

"Hey don't worry about it."

Rick grabs a piece of broken masonry from the floor and pricks his finger, then shows it to her.

"I bleed too."

…

Dinner's almost over by the time Peach rushes over to the Hufflepuff table.

"There you are." Athena says. "Where have you been? Class was over an hour ago."

"I was…" Peach hesitates, feeling her old teammate might not approve of her afternoon. "I was at Muggle Studies. My grades have slipped so Professor Jones offered to tutor me in our spare time."

"Did he?" Athena looks surprised. "Well… I prefer to see him help us escape, but I'm glad he's at least extending an olive branch."

"Yes." Peach says quickly. "And something else. I've changed my mind. I want to be a prefect."

….

The next week whirls by and soon enough Christmas is fast approaching. Hagrid, jolly as ever is seen one morning setting up a dozen massive firs in the great hall, Flitwick and Slughorn begin humming carols in class and Peach and Ernie spend one night with the Ravenclaw prefects and the teachers hanging garlands of holly and tinsel.

Being a prefect is largely enjoyable. Managing younger students reminds her pleasantly of taking care of her toads back home, if somewhat more difficult. And the prefect bathroom turns out to be more splendid than Ernie could have hoped to describe. With a great large bath in the middle of the room perfect for long soaks after busy days. The downside is that the bath is shared by prefects of every house, and she quickly learns to avoid the place during the day. Less she run into Pansy. Or Malfoy. In spite of Rick's reassurance, the glares Draco gives her the odd times they meet in the hall makes her blood run cold. It's to the extent that Peeves by comparison almost becomes a welcome sight. She even begins humming along to the poltergeist's songs, which as she quickly learns is a good way to discourage him.

"It's no fun if you're enjoying it Peachy." He fumes one day.

It's true on one hand Beatrice, Pansy and the Slytherin clique continue berating her in corridors and shared classes but she's so busy she hardly notices. Between the term wrapping up, her escape plots with the Flower Girls, her prefect duties with Ernie and her time with Rick, her days are suddenly too busy to worry about piety things like being bullied.

To her great surprise her secret meetings with Rick turn out to be something to look forward to. In part because so many of them are held outside in the silent grounds of the snow-covered castle. Far away from any prying ears, and away from all her tormentors within the castle walls.

The scientist himself is an interesting figure. He had until now existed on the peripheries of her game, a presence noticeably but never much of her concern. At most he had been an antagonist in abstracta. The boastful leader of a dominant opposing team.

Now that she was spending time with him up close, she found Rick boorish and vulgar, but staggeringly intelligent. The chemical stench of a distillery hanging over him at all times. When it was particularly strong it would send him rambling and ranting on the glory of past conquests and the loathsomeness of his foes. Each account coloured not just by the alcohol but by his own assertions of superiority. Rick had ego, there was no doubting that. He had ego the likes of which put even Waluigi to shame. And yet much like Janna and even Waluigi there was something about Rick's boasting that rung hollow. And she couldn't help but wonder if behind his fortress, their was a more vulnerable man. But that of course wasn't something she could ever bring up to him.

From his perspective Rick by sharp contrast found the Princess unpleasantly sweet and polite with her golden hair and completion so perfect he could never tell whether she was using makeup. But all the same she grew on him for reasons he couldn't explain. Perhaps it was the scientific aspect to her, as she made for an interesting case study.

Peach had a lot of almost paradoxical aspects to her. She was spoiled but not greedy. Not worldly in the slightest, but a quick learner. Saintly patient some moments then stubborn the next. Her homeland was just as inconsistent as she was. As he quickly finds during their first meeting.

"Alright, straight answer this time." Rick says as they walk across the chilly castle courtyard. "Are you or are you not from Earth Peach?"

Peach considers it.

"That is what we call our world." She says thoughtfully. "But I'm not sure it's the same Earth as yours. All the Kingdoms seem out of order."

"And all your friends? What about them? Do you, Mario, Waluigi and the gang consider yourself human?"

"Oh yes. Of course." Peach says. "We're perfectly, normal homo nintendonuses just like everyone else on either of our worlds."

"Actually Princess, on everyone else's Earth we're homo sapiens."

"Oh."

Rick's questions only get more personal after that. A few days later the two are sitting on the high bleachers of Hogwarts Quidditch stadium, (A type of wizarding sport played on broomsticks) watching the Gryffindor team practice when Rick turns to Peach suddenly and asks.

"Alright so you may or may not be the same species? You still have kids the same way right? There's no one around you don't have be ashamed to say. "

Peach laughs. "What is there to be ashamed about?"

Rick looks pleasantly surprised. "Well ****. Really? **** I thought you were more a of prude than that."

"Not all at. I'd like the Mushroom Kingdom to be watching when I have my children."

"God damn now we're talking!" Rick laughs. "You know I did in front of a whole stadium once."

Peach gasps in delight. "Really? A whole stadium was watching when the stork flew down and delivered your daughter?"

"Hell ye- Storks!?"

"Of course." Peach says sweetly. "That's how it happens."

Rick looks at her indignantly "I though the whole deal is you didn't like Miu and Beatrice making you out to be a slut?"

"I'm not sure what they make me out to be really." Peach says frowning. "I just don't like that they judged me before they really knew me."

Rick gives her a bewildered look. Then sighs, and mutters something that sounds like "Kid's game." As he pulls a bottle of Firewhiskey from hammerspace. Peach eying him as he does. He looks up at her over the rim of the bottle.

"Don't tell me you want some of this? Or have never heard of alcohol?"

"Oh no! I adore champagne, it's just..." Peach blushes in embarrassment. "Well you know what I'm like around sweets."

Rick stares long and hard at her.

"You don't know what sex is but you're an alcoholic?" He says flatly.

"Oh no I can control myself more than… well you do. I just enjoy a glass every now and then." Peach says grinning embarrassedly

That night laying in bed, Rick suddenly realizes why he likes the Princess so much. Though on the surface they're nothing alike, deep within Peach there's part of her that reminds him of his daughter when she was a girl. That unwanted epiphany sends him on a drinking bender so severe so he wake up the next morning in the hospital wing.

With time a half contestant picture of Peach and her world begin to emerge. Giving Rick enough context Rick to prod into the holes in her memories.

"I can't remember anything until I believe it was the fifth challenge Conner had us do." Peach admits one day while they're walking near the edge of the forbidden forest. "During that time, I'm told I was very excited and hyper."

"I was there, you danced around, barely spoke English and were completely obliviously to everyone around you." Rick says.

"Oh my how terrible."

"Yeah, you were basically an incredibly simplified version of yourself, like about as much character depth as you have in Mario Kart." Rick scowls to him. "Thing is that ended after episode two. Wednesday brained you with the Chris statue."

"Yes I'm aware." Peach says a little awkwardly. "She liked to remind me off it. But I am grateful it broke the spell I was under."

"But If that's the case why don't you remember anything until two days later?"

Peach shrugged. "Perhaps it took time to wear off? Do you remember what I was like at the time?"

Rick swears. "Uhhhh… Not really. You were on a different team and I have a habit of I tuning out everyone in the around me that aren't important." He pinches the bridge of the nose. "Come on Rick episode three, brain I know we said we could forget about this one but I need those memories back. Okay… **** That was the Carboniferous wasn't it? It's coming back to…" He sighs. "Yeah. Nope, was not paying attention that day."

…

"You feeling aight Peachy?"

Peach looks up, it's a few days latter. She Markus and Athena are in the school's owlery discussing escape plan.

"Oh yes, of course Markus, why do you ask?" Peach says.

"You've been absented minded this week." Athena says stroking the breast feathers of an eagle owl affectionately.

"I'm just tired from Professor Jones's lessons."

Athena smiles approvingly. "And how has he been? Any more receptive to assisting us?"

"I believe so." Peach lies. In reality Peach had last raised the issue with him over a week ago, and Indy had only been growing more distance since then.

"Yo speaking of former Fact Hunters, Beatrice keeps screaming about how you in the common room past couple nights. I don't how you're handling her but it's got her pissed." Markus says grinning his boyish grin. Peach returns the gesture.

"Oh I've just came across some good advice is all."

The past few days Peach had been strutting down the school corridor full of self confident, raising her chin up in pride any time she passed a Slytherin. Rick had after all assured her that her apathy must be withering.

"It's got to be a wall Princess. The only way you'll keep them out. If someone pushes at it you push back harder. Don't ever let them know they got to you."

The advice seems to be working. Intense as Beatrice's hate for her remains, everyone else seem to be getting bored of the teasing, thanks in part to Rick.

"That reminds me." Peach says. "Do either of you remember how I was behaving during our third challenge?"

"During the Carboniferous?" Athena asks.

"That's right."

Markus and Athena look uncomfortably at one another.

"You weren't yourself Princess." Athena says gravely.

"Yes. I know." Peach says impatiently "What I mean is-"

"No Peachy, what she means when she says you weren't yourself, she means like you woke up and didn't know who you were." Markus says. Peach looks shocked.

"What?"

…

"You sure this wasn't some kind of sitcom amnesia?" Rick demands. It's the next day, they're standing under a tree by the lakeshore.

Peach shakes her head. "According to Markus I seemed like I was a different person. Different manners, different vocabulary. I didn't think I was myself until later that night."

"Christ. Then you're on what? Your third personality this game?" Rick asks.

"Fourth if your theory's true." Peach says with a note of concern. "You really believe this is all connected to my curse?"

"I don't think your curse is a curse." Rick insists. "I think you got hit with a concentrated version of the same thing that hit all of us. What I need to figure out is what that is and why."

"Any ideas?" Peach asks. Rick scratches his chin.

"I don't know. Maybe it's an Inhibitor chip they planted in us to make us more containable. Could be another prank by the other seasons. Hell we spend a lot of time aboard Conner's ship in the Void, could be that ******* up our brains."

"The Void?" Peach asks confused.

"Don't worry about it for now, it'd take to long to explain." Rick says with a wave of his hand. "T-tell me about Beatrice? How's my advice holding up?"

"Wonderful." Peach says. "She pasted me in the hall yesterday and he didn't say a thing."

"Good. glad you're showing those cowards whose boss."

Peach smiles modestly. "Well, I had some help. But it's going to be even better very shortly I think." She twirls in excitement. "Tomorrow we'll be Slughorn's party. Then it will be winter break and most of the students will be gone. We'll have the castle to ourselves to search for ways of escaping into our next adventure." Her eyes light up excitement. "And Rick, perhaps you can help us to!"

"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Time out!" Rick shouts. "Let's not worry about escaping right now. In fact, maybe see if can talk the others out of looking for a bit."

Peach looks surprised. "But Rick-"

"Peach we are this close to figuring this memory **** out! Alright!? Finding a way out of this YA dump means ending the challenge, means someone's getting eliminated. And I don't think I need to point out that not exactly the most popular contestant right now."

"Rick if you talked to them and apologies-"

"I'm not apologizing for putting Beatrice in her place." Rick asserts. "She had it coming. You of all ******* people should know that. Also, that'd be proving Infinite Rick right. And seriously, at this point I can't stand that asshole."

"Oh but maybe if you just… shared your perspective with the others calmy like you've been doing with me I'm sure they'd-"

"Forget it Peach. Rick Sanchez isn't a team player. The only times The Fact Hunter's ever worked was when I told them to shut up and listen to me, and even that fell apart in the end."

Peach sighs and looks away dejectedly, staring at the frozen lake. Suddenly she gasps, filled with renewed excitement. Rick gives her a look.

"What?"

"I think I know the perfect opportunity to reintroduce you to the group!" Peach beams.

…

Whether it had been built that way, or because he had used magical trickery to make it so, Slughorn's office was much larger than the usual teacher's study. The ceiling and walls had been draped with emerald, crimson and gold hangings, so it looked as though his party goers were all inside a vast tent. The room's crowed and stuffy and bathed in the red light cast by an ornate golden lamp dangling from the centre of the ceiling in which real fairies were fluttering, each a brilliant speck of light. Loud music fills the room; a haze of smoke hang over several elderly warlocks deep in their conversation, and a number House elves (a type of servant race used by wizards) squeeze their way between the crowd, carrying with them silver palters of food over their heads, so that they look like little moving tables.

Professor Slughorn is already tipsy by the time Athena arrives, giving her a very sincere one handed-handshake while his other hand clings to a stein of mead.

"Athena my dear Goddess how good it is to see you!, I've been singing you and your friends to Barnabas Cuffe here, he's the editor of the Daily Prophet you know.

A stout man with silver hair gives her an excited handshake. "Absolute pleasure to finally meet you in person Athena. Practically all of wizarding Britain's been buzzing about you, your friends and the Infinite cast's stay here at Hogwarts."

"Have they now?" Athena asks, mildly surprised.

"Oh yes, it's been a brilliant distraction from You-Know-Who and all that terrible business. Trust me the Prophet's been very glad to have your lot around." He pulls a quill from his waistcoat. "I'm sure they'd love to know more about you."

"I'm sure they would, but not now." Athena says politely, she turns back to Slughorn. "Professor? Have you by chance..."

"Oh yes! Peach relayed your special request to me." Slughorn chuckles. "You'll find them by the refreshment tables."

Athena smiles graciously. "Thank you."

She shuffles her way to the back of the room where the food's been laid out. There between a pyramid of sandwiches and a towering platter of crystallized pineapple is a dish of an old favorite of hers. Olives.

"Pardon."

She turns around. She almost doesn't recognize Indy for a moment. The archeologist is wearing a white dinner jacket with a red cravat over a black tuxedo. He reaches past her and drops one of the olives into his cocktail.

"Professor Jones. You're looking well." She says cordially. He seems surprised by her friendliness.

"Thanks…" He says uncertainly. "I see you're you didn't dress up."

"Slughorn insisted we wear our school robes. He wants to show his associates that we're his student."

"Course." Indy mumbles.

They sit there in silence for a moment, people watching. On the other side of room Yao's standing on one of the tables, regaling the witches and wizards with stories of their groups many adventures.

"Peach has been speaking fondly of your tutorage." Athena says conversationally.

"Tutorage? I'm not tutoring her." Indy says more surprised then ever now. "Who told you that?"

"Peach did." Athena says. "Hasn't she been spending time with you after classes?"

Indy shakes his head. Athena looks concerned "That's odd. Why would she lie to me?"

"I've got an idea." Indy says brow suddenly furrowing. Peach is making her way through the crowd to them, dragging Rick along with him.

"Hello you two." She chirps cheerfully. Athena groans impatiently.

"I should have guessed this the moment you mentioned you had helping dealing with Beatrice."

"Princess, why are you hanging around with that crook?" Indy says glaring at Rick. Rick smirks.

"You're one to talk Jones. Nice Humphrey Bogart look by the way. That's about as dated as your attitudes towards women."

"Bogart was big in my time." Indy growls.

"I thought you had disavowed your own time." Athena comments icily.

"Oh don't please don't fight you three." Peach pleads. "I didn't mean for that. Athena, Professor Jones, I was hoping you'd be perhaps willing to give Rick here another chance. "

Athena gives her a wearily look. "Let's go somewhere else. I think the four of us are overdue for a talk."

…

Athena leads the four of them out of the party and into the empty corridor. She gives Rick an exasperatedly look then turns to Peach.

"Princess please tell me you've done the impossible and convinced him to help us escape."

"Well no. But-"

"Then why did you go behind my back?"

"Isn't that putting it a little harshly?"

"Peach you lied to me and Markus." Athena says sternly. "You knew we wouldn't want you associating with him so you intentionally chose to be deceitful."

"Lay off her." Rick says. "She's a grown woman she doesn't need you parenting her."

"You don't know her!" Athena snaps.

"Neither do you if you think she can't do things on her own!" Rick retorts.

"Rick don't yell at her." Peach says ruefully. "Athena I'm sorry I lied. But Rick has been helping me solve why I changed personalities at the start of the game, he thinks there's something wrong with the game."

"What do you mean something wrong with the game?" Indy asks.

"Hey Jones, what's your mother's name?" Rick ask.

"Anna." Indy says at once. Rick looks surprised.

"****. Really? Didn't think that was part of your lore. Anyway point I was trying to get across was people have gaps in their memories in places they shouldn't. I've felt it. Dipper's felt it. And Peach here's felt it worse of all. I need more time to solve this **** before you get rid of me.

"How much time?" Athena asks.

"A couple of days to a mouth, maybe two mouths."

"Haven't you already stolen enough of our time!?"

"This isn't about stalling the game anymore!" Rick shouts. "Maybe It was until recently but now I've got a mystery I need to solve! I mean **** I'm the smartest mammal in the galaxy for god's shake! Do you have any idea what it does to me when I can't figure. Something! Out!?"

"Rick." Peach says gentility. "I have loved so much of Hogwarts for all it's problems, I have enjoyed our time together, and care more about solving this mystery than perhaps even you do. But we have to continue our adventure. My Mushroom Kingdom can survive without me for a while but not forever. I need to return to my subjects. I need to return home. We all need to return home. And we can't until we finished this game. So help us; please Rick."

Rick takes a deep resigned breath.

"Have you checked the vanishing cabinet Malfoy's hiding in the room of requirement?".

Athena scoffs. "We thought of that mouths ago."

"I said have you checked it. Not have you thought of it." Rick says impatiently.

"No." Athena admits. "We didn't want to risk running into the boy so we've been holding off until the holidays."

"Well holiday break begins tomorrow morning." Rick says. "So gather everyone up, we're checking it tonight."

"And if your wrong about this?" Athena persists. Rick smirks.

"I'm not wrong about things, but If I am we've got the place to ourselves until new years to keep looking."

Peach smiles.

"Thank you Ri-"

"If I am right about this." Rick interjects. "You don't vote me out."

"Doesn't matter anyway. I'm forfeiting the game and staying here." Indy says.

"Sure you are."

"I mean it." Indy says annoyed.

"Sure. But when you change your mind you people can't vote me out got it?" Rick says.

Athena considers it.

"Alright." she says finally. "Deal. Let's tell the others."

"Guess this is goodbye then?" Indy says.

"I suppose so." Athena says coolly. "Enjoy your rest of your new life professor."

"Uh…good luck with the game."

Athena nods curtly before she, Rick and Peach dash off. Leaving the Muggle Studies professor all alone.

…

Indy's classroom feels oddly quiet when he returns to it. Opting to forgo the party to pack, now that he had a week off Indy's he's planning on taking a little vacation from the wizarding world. He's booked train tickets from Dufftown to Aberdeen so he can see the wonders of the modern world for himself. Its something he planned months ago… And yet, when he pulls the tickets from hammerspace he lingers, overcome with a strange hesitation.

Tomorrow, all his fellow contestants, the world they represented and the only way back home could be gone. The finality of it hangs over him. It weighs on his shoulders. But it must be natural. Whatever regret he's feeling now he'll be over it once he leaves. Then he'll have a new life ahead of him. Not just that. A new millennium. Indy had been born the last year of the 19th century. If he had any chance at all of seeing the year 2000 he would have done it a century old man on death's door. But now… Now that he's has horrors of the 20th skipped, he'd be entering the 21st century a relatively spry forty three year old. There was so much potential in the future. How could he go back to the war?

He puts the tickets back in hammerspace and grabs his hat from the top of a self, studying it deeply. Surely by some distant year, say 2021, he'll look back on a life well lived and full of magic and technology he'd never have dream of and celebrated his choice to stay here. Wouldn't he?

"Am I intruding professor?" A voice asks softly.

Indy turns around. The headmaster is standing in the doorframe.

"Professor Dumbledore!" Indy says surprised.

"Forgive me for visiting uninvited Professor Jones." He says smiling. "But I heard you're group may be finally on their way, and I don't know what sort of Headmaster I'd be if I didn't see you off personally."

"That's kind of you sir, but I've decided to stay here to teacher fulltime." Indy says. Dumbledore's kind smile widens.

"I'm flattered." He says sincerely. "And you have my permission to stay. And yet, forgive me for being surprised by your decision Henry. I never saw you as being enamored by our wizarding society."

Indy only briefly considered lying.

"It's a bit of a mess." He admits.

Dumbledore nod. "Yes I've always though so. I not sure if you can blame us though. We are as the saying goes, only human. Even if so many of us consider us better in some regard than our muggle countrymen, we wizards are just as capable of making mistakes as any member of our species. No matter where or when they hail from.

He gazes around the room in mild interest, at the many maps and books Indy and Charity had bought or summoned from muggle towns. Indy watches him as he looks around, drumming absent mindedly on the window sill with his withering hand. As he does a question fights his way out of Indy.

"Professor Dumbledore. I have to ask… how are you able to teach this year when-"

"-When I'm aware I'll be dead by years end?" Dumbledore finished for him, reading Indy's mind. The archeologist merely nods. Dumbledore sighs wishfully and turns to Indy's map of the European Theatre.

"If you know the deeply secret plotting between me and Severus then I'm sure you're also aware of the death of my sister nearly a century ago." He shakes his head. "I was young an impressionable man that felt birded by family ties. Grindelwald came into my life and filled me with dreams of glory. I thought it was two young brilliant minds in love, but my brother saw Gilbert for what he really was. There was a duel and my poor sister lay dead and in family was in ruins. The cowardly man I am, I ran from responsibly then and regretted it all my life. Grindelwald meanwhile went out to start a war bond by similar hate and fear as the one you flee from now."

He pats the stone window ledge almost affectionally. "I abandoned one family Henry. I don't intend to abandoned a second one."

"Even if means death?" Indy asks. Dumbledore chortles.

"Professor Jones, what kind of man would I be if I feared death at my age? Quite the contrary I find it quite refreshing to know my end of days. Makes it so it can be planned around you know? True be told I wish I had gone into more of life's unpleasantries with foresight. Think of all the things one can do to prepare when they know something horrible will happen in two years time."

Indy raises an eyebrow. "I thought you only had six months left?"

Dumbledore smiles knowingly. "That I do. I was more referring to how much time you have until the United States joins the Second World War. Pearl Harbor? December 7th 1941? I could be wrong of course, you know us wizards are famously terrible with muggle history when it doesn't concern us."

Indy doesn't respond. He looks like a schoolboy caught doing something he shouldn't. Dumbledore beams again.

"Professor Jones, I will gladly have you stay teaching at my school for as long as I have left. But I cannot recommend you something I don't feel you desire."

He turns to leave.

"You know. Part of me find it a shame you were our only guest to never be sorted; this may be an unpopular opinion but I believed you one would have been your casts second Gryffindor."

And he walks out of the room, leaving Indy deep in thought.

…

It takes a few hours of packing and farewells for the contestants to have all gathered back in their regular clothes and waiting in the seventh-floor corridor. By the time the last of them have arrived its nearly midnight.

"Ah. If it isn't our old messiah Richard Sanchez here to save the day?!" Roy says, swaggering over to the place outside the room of requirement everyone's standing at. "Soon as someone said they supposedly had a real escape plan; I knew it had to be you getting up to your old tricks again."

Amethyst groans.

"Did we have to bring Roy?"

"Unfortunately, yes." Athena says. "Now if everyone's ready."

"Give it a couple more seconds." Rick says.

Sure enough there's the sound of heavy footsteps. A moment later Indiana Jones comes running around the corner. Back in full adventurer's garb. Rick folds his arms smugly.

"Well Doctor Jones! What a surprise. Changed your mind did you?"

"I did." Indy pants. "And I'm sorry." He looks up at Athena. "For everything."

The goddess nods respectful. "You're forgiven."

"Yeah, Yeah..." Amethyst says slapping Indy on the back. "Apology accepted and all that junk. Now let's blow this joint nerds!"

The enter the room. At once about half of them gasp. They've entered a vast cathedral like room. High windows shine down on labyrinth of a thousand's years worth of broken furniture and hidden contrabands. With narrow alleys weaving between the mountains of junk.

"Look at all this stuff." Doof says with a whistle. "There must be enough material to build… 10, maybe 11 inators."

"It's worse than the bottom of that ship the Cruise cast lived on." Peach says

"Better start searching then." Ricks says. "Let's move Endless!"

He grabs a rusted sword from the nearby pile and charges into the maze. The others following behind.

They rush past more magical mound after of artifacts, scanning each one for the cabinet.

"I am glad your changed mind and decided to help Rick." Peach beam. "You're to make for a great ally."

Rick smirks at her. "Listen I haven't turned over a new leaf already. This is an alliance of convenient. If you're looking for a Rickdemption arc don't hold your breath."

"If you're doing one better get started now." Indy advises wearily. "You got a lot to make up for Sanchez."

"I could same the same for Jones."

"Yeah, but I don't have the same reputation you have."

They look over their shoulders. Doctor Doofenshmirtz is watching Rick disapprovingly, while next to him Beatrice glares furiously at him. Rick waves back at her.

Beatrice grits her teeth. She grabs a tarnished old tiara off a bust and places it on her head and flutters her eyelids.

"Amethyst! Guess who I am?"

Amethyst starts to snicker. She catches the look Bentley and Yao are giving her then stops awkwardly.

"Uh… yeah… very funny Beatrice."

"You're not with your racist friends Beatrice!" Rick calls. "That **** doesn't work anymore."

Beatrice tries red. "Shut up! You're just mad because I'm going home tonight!"

"Not tonight bitch! I'm immune! And guess who's second most hated?"

"Yeah… well…"

"I FOUND IT!"

Everyone looks where Doof's pointing. There perched on a distant mountain of furniture is a single wardrobe standing proudly.

"Are you sure that's it?" Lenny asks. "It doesn't look right."

"Only way to find out is to go over there and check." Rick says.

"How to we do that?" Yao demands.

Bentley turns to Amethyst. "Perhaps we should try a repeat of Mahri Nui maneuver?"

Amethyst grins. "I like the way you think."

"What are you two smiling like that?" Yao asks.

A moment later Amethyst sends him hurling through the air.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Yao lands at the base of the wardrobe with a hard thump.

"Ow…"

"Don't just lay there!" Beatrice shouts. "Tell us what's inside."

They hear Yao grumble as he gets to his feet, and opens the door to the cabinet and crawls inside.

"Nothing but a bunch of old fur coats."

The entire cast lets out an collective groan.

"Yo we got all excited for nothing." Markus mopes

"Don't worry Markus." Peach says. "We'll keep searching."

"WAIT!" Yao cries suddenly. "This thing's bigger on the inside." They hear him shuffle around inside some more before he rushes to the door excitedly. "There's a whole forest in there!" This is it! THIS IS IT!"

At once the scene of annoyance amongst the contestants turns to jubilation, as a cheer nearly two months in the making rises from their chest. None of look happier than Yao, whose beaming with pride.

"I FOUND IT! I FO-"

A burst of light explodes next to him and he's almost knocked from the chest. The cast spins around.

Draco Malfoy and his cronies Crabbe and Goyle are standing behind them, wands raised.

"I'll thank you to step away from my cabinet." He says in slow voice trembling with rage.

The cast draw their own wands from hammerspace.

"Back the fuck off kid." Rick warns. "It's three on twelve and every pussy in the cast besides Beatrice got eliminated premerge."

Draco laughs unstably. "You think I'm scared of a bunch of muggles who can't even hold their wands properly. You should have stayed away when I told you too."

Rick turns to Athena (Who's standing the closest to him) and whispers. "On my signal everyone's gonna want to run for the portal."

Athena gives him a disproving glance.

"What do you have planned now?" She whispers.

Rick ignores her but she notices him tighten his grip around his wand.

"We're just trying to leave kid!" He calls to Malfoy. "Just forget about the cabinet for ten minutes and we'll be out of your life."

"Don't you understand!?" Malfoy shouts. "I can't forget about the cabinet! He! Won't! Let me!"

"D-Don't care. Voldemort's a punk ass bitch and he can lick my balls if he thinks Rick Sanchez is gonna listen to his tween fallowers."

"DO NOT TAKE HIS NAME IS VAIN!" Roars Malfoy as his henchmen glare at Rick. "The Dark Lord is all powerful! And he will be victorious over all who oppose him."

"Listen kid. A hard lesson I learned from a more pretentious version of myself is no one ever wins playing the bad guy! Now I've given enough warnings. Fuck off, or we start blasting."

Malfoy stands there ridged with hate, staring dead into Rick's eyes. For a fleeting second his gaze shifts to Princess Peach. A sneer curls on his lip and Rick senses what about to happen a moment before Malfoy casts the spell.

"CRUCIO!"

The curse flies towards Peach's heart. Rick just nearly blocks it and rebounds into a stuffed troll, destroying it. Rick laughs spitefully.

"Old enough to be using unforgivable curse huh? Alright kid! You want to skip to the darker part of the series!? How's this for a fucking call forward!? AAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

He roars with hate as billowingly flames of dark magic erupt from his wand, igniting everything behind Malfoy.

"GO!" He shouts to the others. "GO! GO! GO! GO!"

There's no need to be told twice. Rick scrambles up the tower of ideas and through the wardrobe, the others fast behind them. As the fire begins taking hold with unnatural speed. Soon everyone but Beatrice has ducked inside.

"Grab my hand!" Markus offers. Beatrice takes grabs hold of him and they try and pull her in. Some invisible wall at the lip of the cabinet is keeping her out.

"Beatrice come on!"

"I can't! Stop! You're hurting me!"

"What's wrong?" Rick asks.

"It' ain't letting her through!" Markus says beginning to panic. "It's like would let us pass without leaving someone behind!"

"What!?"

"Well it wouldn't be a problem if someone HADDN'T SET THE ROOM ON FIRE!" Beatrice screams.

Suddenly her foot slips on the ledge she was standing on and she tumbles back down into the fire.

"BEATRICE!" Peach cries.

She lunges back towards the door. Athena grabs her arm to stop her but the Princess yanks herself free and leaps out the open doors of the wardrobe.

"PEACH!" Several people cry. Rick shoves his way past them and out the door.

"PEACH!"

He spots her back on the ground. Now kneeling besides an unconscious Beatrice.

"God fucking damn it! Always have to be the centre of attention don't you Beatrice?" He grumbles.

"Is she hurt?" Peach asks in a panic.

"She'll be fine. Help me lift her up."

They prop Beatrice's limp form over their shoulders. Peach looks around at the growing inferno on horror.

"Rick what did you do?"

"It's called Fiendfyre. Dark Magic. Thought I'd give the little shits a preview of what's waiting for them in book seven." He coughs. As he those Peach notices the flames spreading further and further, taking unnatural forms as they do. Becoming serpents and dragons and other creatures made of roaring flame, all devouring the creatures of kindling ravenously.

"Alright enough standing around! We have to get back to the wardrobe!" Rick shouts.

"But what about the barrier?" Peach asks.

"We'll figure away around it." Rick insists stubbornly. "I don't care if it's magic or science. There's got to be some exploit in it. Some kink in the armour. Like a…"

He stops cold and his eye's grow wide. His jaw hanging open mid sentence.

"Rick? Rick!? What's wrong?"

"That's it…" He says quietly. "That's what it is."

Rick turns to her, he smiles, then chuckles. First a little, then some more, then louder and louder and wilder until the scientist is howling with a terrifying relieve.

"THAT'S WHAT IT FUCKING IS!" He shouts to the heavens. "YOU THOUGHT I WOULDN'T FIGURE IT OUT YOU BASTARDS!?"

Peach's shriek stirs him from his mania. A flaming pile of furniture is thumbling between them. Rick pushes himself free from the ladies and the tower comes crashing down between them, separating him from Beatrice and Peach by a wall of flames.

"RICK!" She cries again. "Are you alright?"

"Oh don't worry about me Peachy!" He says with exalted grin. "In fact don't worry about the memory gaps. I know what's causing them! Just get to the cabinet with Beatrice."

"But-"

"I'll be fine!" He laughs manically. "I'll be better they've I've been in a long fucking time! I'll see you when this is all over Princess."

"Rick I can't."

Another fiery creature leaps out at her, barely missing her arm.

"THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL STANDING THERE FOR!?" Rick screams "GO!"

With a final pained look. Peach throws Beatrice over her shoulder and scampers up to the wardrobe and throws the girl in. The barrier lets both of them through. Rick's laughter forces her to stop and look back.

She sees him there before her, hanging off a nearby tower. Laughing uncontrolled and screaming towards the heavens like a madman as the maelstrom of orange flames rages all around him.

"YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD CONTROL ME!? YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD BEST RICK SANCHEZ!? WELL, HERE'S WHAT I THINK OF YOUR FUCKING GAME!"

The flames merge into a single towering firebird. Looming high over the burning labyrinth, and everything in sight. Rick cranes his neck up to cackle madly at the creature, denying the power of one last symbol of authority as it swoops down on him.

And he's enveloped by the flames.