Total Drama Endless

by NondescriptNorbert

Total Drama back again! This time there's new twists, a cast of twenty seven fictional characters, and most importantly; a new host. The story isn't over. Epilogue part 4/6. Wonderland is gone. The girl in the looking glass stares back.

28. Binary Noon

Total Drama Endless, Episode Twenty, Part Two

...

---

The local cantina in Mos Eisley bustles with patrons.

Creatures and customers of all kinds, some human, some distinctly not, gather in the dim, hazy air. Crowding the bar, smoking their hookahs, and chattering amongst themselves with all the rich sounds of a galaxy spanning lingosphere.

The front door swing open, bleeding blinding desert light into the hazy interior, the interstellar barflies turn around. The band stops their song and gazes up over their strange wind instruments.

Seven newcomers shuffle in, staring awkwardly at the crowd. They look tired, covered in grime and sweat like they just spend the night wandering the Dune Sea for some god forsaken reason.

The crowd returns their gaze opaquely. One of the newcomers lowers his fedora and scowls.

"What are you looking at?"

The patrons blink, they turn away disinterestedly. In the back the band starts up their song again.

Indiana Jones grumbles distastefully and turns to the rest of the Endless Gang.

"Come on, let's find a table."

He and his six remaining companions sit down at one of the circular booths, taking in the strange crowd.

"Quite the place." Bentley notes. "Doesn't seem like a reputable establishment."

"Hey, I don't care what the space monsters get up to around here." Beatrice says. "So long as they have food and water I'm happy."

"That, and this is a story important location. So it'll hopefully be helpfully in getting us out of here." Lenny assures them. Indy sniffs indignantly.

"Good. Sooner we leave this hell the better."

"Again, I'm sorry about last night." Lenny says, not for the first time. "I know this game's maddening enough without such revelations. I mean you want a prime example just look at me, I was supposed to be a scheme to help our old team win with the powers of a gem. Several months later, here I am in the final seven, outlasting the team and both my creators and I still can't figure out what my unique powers are."

He gives Indy a friendly grin, getting a grimace in return. His expression shifts to a slightly more sympathetic one.

"… but anyways…The intent wasn't to disrespect you Jones." He looks over to Peach. "Or you my dear Princess."

Peach smiles. "Thank you Lenny. But we'll be alright. We were just feeling a slightly overwhelmed last night weren't we Jones?"

Indy gives them a warning look that suggests they both stop talking to him.

Markus slams a hand on the table, disrupting the tension.

"Ay yo! Not ev'ryday were in the Cantina from Star Wars right? What's everyone want? I'm buying."

"Food." Grunts Amethyst.

"Water." Croak Bentley and Beatrice.

"Tempting as would be to discover what exotic spirits they sell here, I don't think I'd be able to call myself a true Star Wars fan if I passed up the chance to try some authentic Bantha milk." Lenny says.

Markus nods. "Tight. I ain't big into drinking but I'll take the bullet and try one of their adult drinks. Peachy can I tempt you?"

"Oh that's alright Markus, I don't-"

"I know I'm only teasing." He says playing nudging her on the arm. "I'll grab you some blue milk."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome." Markus says, with intentionally exaggerated over sincerity. Peach laughs. Markus grins, then turns to Jones.

"Ask them what the strongest liquor they sell in there is. Tell them I'll take two orders of it." Indy says. "I need air, I'll be back when the drinks arrive."

He slides out of the booth and sulks out of the cantina. The others exchange a look.

"I'll talk to him." Peach says.

…

Peach walks back out into the bright and sandy streets of Mos Eisley. Surrounded by crowds of alien travellers and their pack animals, and robot companions. She sees Indy slink off into an alleyway.

"Doctor Jones!"

"Go back inside Princess." He tells her.

"You'll feel better if you talk to someone about this." She insists. "Doctor I know this is overwhelming. I was very upset too."

"At least you're already from one of these crazy wonderlands." Indy says. "I'm supposed to live in the real world! It's bad enough I know everything that's going to happen for the rest of the century, now I have to know I'm not even part of real history!? That I'm some cheap serial by the hack director that made all this!"

He gestures around to Mos Eisley.

"Even as a schooler it's too much knowledge. You're not suppose to know these things! It doesn't! All! Fit! In here!"

He punctuates each word with a rap on the side of his head and a wild look in his eyes. Peach gives him a melancholic smile in return.

"Our worlds are real Indy. Real to us, and to our friends."

Indy looks like he's going to reply, then instead runs a hand over his face. He turns away from her.

"I just want a couple minutes by myself. Can you give me that?"

Peach nods and turns to leave. Looking back once more before she does.

"You're not alone in this Doctor Jones."

And she disappears out of the alley. As she does she passes two aliens. One of them points to Indy and they begin muttering to each other. Their conversation is entirely undecipherable, but there's one word they keep repeating.

"Solo..."

…

Peach wanders back to the booth, scanning the room for something before she sits down.

"Markus's still ordering." Lenny says, corrected interpreting her mystified expression. He points over to bar where Markus's stands chatting happily with two other patrons. Brimming with the childlike enthusiasm she always admires about him.

"I believe Markus's excited to be here." She says sitting down.

"Can't say I blame him." Lenny admits. "Being here in this Cantina. A very famous scene in an already insanely famous movie's set here you know. I dare say that much like Hogwarts, most geeky types would trade away their entire figurine collection just to sit where we're sitting for ten seconds."

Peach considers this. In spite of her best judgement, the question of what Lenny and Markus's universe thought of their "fictional" counterparts still arises her curiosity.

"Lenny what other famous places have we been to?"

Lenny chuckles. "Well just about everywhere we've been since the merge has been a staggering famous staple of popular culture; Gotham City, Hogwarts of course, Narnia, Willy Wonka's, Atlantis, Springfield."

"Springfield?" Peach giggles.

"Yes really. In fact The Simpson family, Bart and Homer especially are perhaps just as if not more famous than you and Jones."

"But they seem so normal." Peach argues.

"Yeah, they're relatable." Markus says, walking over with their drinks. He hands a tall glass of an opaque, sweet smelling, periwinkle liquid to both Lenny and Peach. "People get different things out of different stories. Sometimes they want some like whole other crazy ass world to escape too, other times they want to watch something and go; Yo, that ******'s like me."

"Truth is the real world's a bit of a toss up." Lenny says. "We make a lot of worlds that are either perfect utopias or a bloody nightmare to live in, but our own could still go either way. People go about worrying about all sorts of things, Parliament, taxes, relations with the EU, sea level rise. We've got a whole laundry list of aches and pains. Pop-culture helps people cope."

"You make people happy Peachy." Markus assures her. "You, me with my music, Lenny with his videos, Indy, the other three. We all help people get through life."

"I'm certainly glad games like yours exists, otherwise I wouldn't have a career." Lenny grins.

Peach smiles back. "Thank you Lenny. I'm glad you exist too."

"No kidding. We wouldn't know what half these places were without you." Beatrice acknowledges.

Lenny raises his milk to them.

"Cheers, you lot."

…

Back outside, Indy paces the alley, still lamenting the terrible weight of his new knowledge when movement in the corner of his field of view gets him to look up.

The two aliens from earlier at standing a little way away. One with a red skin, yellow eyes, and a triangular head, the other blue skinned, red eyed and with a long somber face without any discernable nose. The both stare at Jones keenly.

"Can I help you gentlemen?" Indy asks, annoyed.

The red one vocalizes in an alien tongue Indy of course has no frame of reference for. When it's finished Indy blinks at it in confusion.

"…huh?"

The blue one steps forward, speaking the same indecipherable language as it's associate in harsh tone. Ending its speech with the word 'Solo.' And an accusatory finger jabbed at Indy's chest.

"Well that sure does sound interesting, but unfortunately I don't care." Indy replies.

He makes to push past them. They step forward to block his way, the red one reaching into it's coat and drawing a gun. His blue compatriot pulls out a tiny hologram. Indy squints.

Projected from it is a wanted poster of a man, he's younger than Jones, clean shaved and with longer hair, but theirs no mistaking the resemblance.

"Solo." The alien snarls again.

A weight drops into Indy's stomach as it suddenly dawns on him that he didn't think to ask Lenny if that George Lucas character ever reused the same actors in different projects. He grins weakly up at the alien.

"I see… You think I'm this friend of yours?"

The aliens chuckle. As does Indy, throwing them off slightly. They continue to chuckle awkwardly as Indy erupts into an exasperated cackle. Then without any warning he throws a punch at the red alien. It goes down, as does its gun. Indy snatches it and squeeze the trigger. A beam of ionized orange plasma shots from the barrel and into the chest of the blue alien, who topples over like a house of card.

Indy bolts from the alley, charging back onto the main street. The red alien staggers after him screeching.

"Solo! SOLO!"

Several heads turn. In a junk yard next door, several intimidating look aliens drop their wares they were looking to buy, (Disappointing the tiny brown cloaked vendors) and start spiriting towards Jones. Indy skids on his heels and flees back to the alley. Several towns folk trying to block his way, he fires his blaster into the air, scattering them. He passes the door to the Cantina and hollers into it.

"GUYS!? I COULD USE A HAND HERE!"

Inside the Cantina the others are all chatting happily with the cantina's owner, another Wookiee like Chewbacca.

Indy ducks into the alleyway, then darts right into another one, this one full of merchants and trade stalls.

"Sorry about this." He says, pulling a stall down into the alley. He hears both the merchant and his pursuers chattering in rage as he bolts away from the scene and veers into another alleyway, this one abandoned.

He presses himself into a small corner out of sight. His heart racing furiously as he tries to catch his breath.

In the moments relief his thoughts shift back to the men whose fault this is. The glares at the sky angrily.

"DAMMIT LUCAS!"

He continues panting, suddenly a noise causes him to look up and he sees a least two dozen aliens barreling down the alley towards him. He groans loudly.

"DAMMIT ME!"

…

In the cantina the mood is merry. Markus's off on the stage working off their bill with by playing with the local band Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes. At the table the rest and refreshments have seemed to improve everyone's spirits. Even with Amethyst, while it'd be a stretch to say the Gem's gotten over her fowl mood, she seems at least willing to talk to the others again.

"So who's this guy were supposed to be looking for?" She asks Lenny.

"Two guys actually. An old man in a brown cloak and a blonde twenty something in a tan coloured tunic." He replies.

"You just described every human in this room that's not us." Beatrice says, glancing around. Scattered amongst the aliens are the occasional human native of Tatooine. All of whom dressed in sand-coloured robes.

"I'll know them when I see them." Lenny assures the others. "I just hope Jones is back by the time they arrive."

"I can go check on him." Peach offers.

"I thought you already did." Amethyst says.

"True. But I find it helps to be persistence with people."

Her eyes flash to Beatrice and the two share a half smile before Peach turns towards the door.

She pokes her head out the front entrance of the Cantina.

"Doctor Jones? Will you be much longer? The others are… Oh my."

She watches Indy sprint pass the tavern, a large mob of townsfolk on his heels. All of them chattering loudly in their native tongues.

Running out of other options, Indy pulls his stolen blaster out and spins around to point it at the crowd.

"STAY BACK!" He shouts.

The crowd gasps and takes a step back. Only one of them remains where they are, A tall muscle bond hairless figure with skin the colour and texture of tanned leather and a face like a pit bull.

He pulls out long spear and twirls it confidently. Making the weapon an extension of his body as he spins it in front of him. Then gestures to Indy for a response.

Indy gives him an exhausted look.

"Really?"

The creature nods, laughing boastfully. Indy sighs and fires his blaster. Shooting him dead.

The crowd jeers in outrage and swarms towards him. Indy winces, fearing he's about to be lynched.

"HAN SOLO!"

A voice booms from the back of the mob. The others freeze and the crowd parts like the Red Sea.

Six soldiers are storming towards Indy, each of them heavily armed and clad head to foot in white armour. Indy scowls.

"You know I'm gonna a wild guess and say that's not Mos Eisleyian for archeologist."

"Hands where I can see them! Drop your weapon!" The head solider orders. Indy obeys reluctantly. Tossing the blaster aside and glancing back at authority figures. There's a subtle unease lingering amongst them. Noticeably in the way they shift their weight on their feet. Only the lead seems fully confident.

"You've got a lot of nerve coming back to Tatooine Captain Solo."

As often the case in times of crisis rival schools of thought emerge in Indy's mind. In an eye blink they fight one another until one's become the chosen path forward.

"I'm not Han Solo. My name is Doctor Henry Jones, Marshal College. I'm a traveler from far, far away."

The Commander scoffs.

"I'm supposed to believe that nonsense!?"

"Sir…" One of the subordinates says to his commander uncertainly. "Could it be possible he's telling the truth? Han Solo and his associates are currently supposed to be prisoners of Lord Vader on Bespin."

The commander goes still for a moment. Then, passing his laser rifle to one of the others he removes his helmet. Revealing a young man, possibly in his mid thirties, and distinctly human with wire straight black hair. He marches over to Jones and stares him dead in the eyes. A smirk curls its way across the soldier's lips.

"Yeah… That's Solo. He's scruffier than the mug shots, but there's no denying that face. Where's that Wookiee you pal around with Solo?"

"You mean Chewie?" Indy asks automatically. He regrets it the moment it leaves his month. The commander's smirk broadens, having gotten exactly the answer he was looking for.

He steps back and takes his gun.

"Well Captain, I don't how you slipped the leash the first time but coming back to Mos Eisley sure as Hell wasn't a smart idea."

"Sir? What do we do?"

"Vader we'll be furious when he finds out."

"Vader isn't going to find out." The commander tells his troops. They seem surprised.

"…But Sir!"

"You heard me." The commander glances around at the crowd surrounding them and lowers his voice. "I've heard the rumours about how that old Sith treats subordinates who bring him bad news. Solo here already's got a bounty on him from Jabba. I'd say we cash it in, collect the extra credits, dispose of this problem and no one, not Vader, not Kosh, not anyone with higher clearance than me finds out about this understand?"

"That's against regulations!" One of soldiers says aghast.

"The Hell with the regulations, I'm looking out for my men. Any of you object?"

The soldiers look at each other uncertainly. While they're busy while that Indy looks around, then grins.

"Well gentlemen, being sold to an alien warlord under a doppelganger's bounty sounds nice and all but…"

He turns to run again. The commander fires his blaster. The shot hit's Indy square in the back, and he falls to the grow, immobilized by its effect. The commander laughs.

"Nice try Solo. Almost a shame you went rebel. Those guts of yours could have done you wonders in the Stormtrooper corps."

"Oh you're Stormtroopers are you? Is that it? Wonder were old George pulled that name from." Indy mutters into the dirt bitterly.

"What is he talking about now?" A solider asks.

"Rebel nonsense, no doubt." The Commander insists. "Come on, let's get him on a transport."

"Aren't you forgetting someone?"

Princess Peach marches over to them, determinedly.

"What is this? Identify yourself!" One of the Solider commands.

"I'm a friend of Doctor- I mean Captain Solo." Peach tells them. "If he's your prisoner, than so I am. I surrender."

She holds out her hands.

…

The two of them are handcuffed and taken to the local garrison a few blocks down the road and made to stand outside while the commander procures a vehicle.

An hour later, the eight of them are speeding through the canyons of Tatooine on a hoovering troop transport. The warm desert winds whipping past them.

"You know I think the desert's much more pleasant from the air." Peach muses to the nearest Stormtrooper. "You really know how to get around."

"Uh… thanks." The solider says.

"You're very welcome."

She smiles pleasantly, then locks eyes with Indy. The Archeology glowering at her furiously.

"Yes Doctor Jones?"

"What the Hell are you doing?" He whispers.

"What do you mean?

"I mean what's your plan here?"

Peach smiles. "Don't worry. Everything's going to be alright." She assures him.

Then round the bend, a large palace comes into view along the cliffside. It's comprised a large round building and a couple of stunted towers, one taller than the main building, one shorter. All together the complex looks like the drawing someone would make of a mosque if they only had only ever heard descriptions of one.

They fly right up to its massive metal gate, and disembark. On of the stormtroopers raps on it, producing a loud echo. In response he gets a camera on appear out of a slot. Jabbering at them in yet another alien tongue. The Commander pulls Indy in front of it.

"Smile for the camera Flyboy."

The camera retreats. Slowly the immense gate rises.

"Come on." One of the troopers orders.

They march into the palace, finding the entrance passage, dark and dusty. A strange man stride forward. Inhuman, but less so than some of the other figures they meet in town. He's hairless, with pale pink skin, yellow eyes and town long tentacles growing from his scalp. His dark robes, remind both Indy and Peach of how Dark Wizards were once describe to them back at Hogwarts.

The strange man sees Indy and his month twists open, revealing a smile filled with pointed fangs. He crones something to them in the same language the security system spoke. The Commander glances at Jones.

"You understand any of that gibberish?"

"I speak Twenty-Seven languages. All of them from the same planet you've never heard of." Indy replies.

"I thought a smuggler like you would speak Huttese Solo."

"Well I'm sure he does, shame he isn't here right now isn't it?"

One of the Stormtroopers hits Indy on the back of the head. The Commander growls.

"Can we get someone in here that speaks Basic!?"

A human shaped android waddles over to them stiffly.

"Welcome esteemed guests of Jabba. To what does the Great Eminence of Tatooine owe this Imperial visit?" It asks them in a vaguely feminine voice.

"This is Commander Ran Haraka, TD-2690 of the 68th Imperial Stormtrooper Legion Tatooine Garrison. I've come to collect the bounty on the rebel captain, Han Solo."

The Android turns from Commander Haraka to Indy.

"Forgive us, but we were expecting Captain Solo to be delivered by His Excellency's bounty hunter Boba Fett."

"Plans change. As you can see we've got Solo right here-"

"No, you've got a doppelganger." Indy insists. The Commander jams the butt of his rifle into Indy's stomach. Indy doubles over in pain.

"As I was saying a Solo's here early." The Commander repeats. "And since we know your boss likes the ladies, we got brought one along for him to sweeten the deal."

He pulls Peach forward.

"Nice one isn't she? Of course if she's an ally of Solo she's rebel scum, but I hear Jabba's not picky. And this one's quite the looker. I'd say she's worth something respectable wouldn't you agree?"

"The Girl is not part of our arrangement." The Droid assures him. "It is up to Jabba whether or not he wishes to have her, and unfortunately his Excellency is off visiting his properties in Mos Espa at the moment and won't be returning until tomorrow."

"Then patch him through by com-link. We've got business to talk."

The strange man pipes in, ushering the Commander into a side room. They stay in there for the better part of half an hour. When they remerge the Commanders smirking, he cups Peach's face.

"Well my beauty, looks like you were worth bringing along. I'm almost sad to be rid of you." He turns to Indy.

"As for you Solo… I hear Jabba's favorite method of executing prisoners is throwing them to a Sarlacc and letting them be digested for a millennium."

He leans in closer and glares.

"Everyone in the Corp knew at least someone that served on the Death Star. You and your little traitor friends killed millions blowing it up. And I hope you spend the next thousand year thinking of every single one of them while you writhe."

Indy smiles.

"Trust me I've got enough baggage to worry about without paying for someone else's crimes."

The Commander laughs and then he and his solider walk away. The tentacled man and the android return, bringing with them several swine like palace guards. The two contestants are led down into the catacombs of the palace. Which are somehow even darker and dingier than the hall.

"We could have taken those troops when we were back on the transport. You know that right?" Indy whispers hoarsely.

"If we had escaped on the way, then we would have never found this place." Peach replies.

"So you wanted us to get kidnapped?"

"I wanted them to take us to the local authority." Peach insists, somewhat forcibly. "You heard how those troops talked about this Jabba. They say he's the most powerful person on the planet. Every authority figure we've meet so far has helped us."

"I seem to recall Rourke trying to murder us."

"Yes. But the King of Atlantis came to our aid."

They're lead through the prisoner cells. Emaciated figures and horrible creatures alike cling to the bars of their iron doors, wailing.

"Peach I don't think this Jabba's much of a King Kashekim type." Indy says.

"Don't judge a book by it's cover Doctor Jones." She chirps. "If there's one thing I've learned during this game, it's that most anyone can be reasoned with if you just put the effort in to talk to them."

"Again. Rourke." Indy counters.

"…The exception that proves the rule." Peach says. "Besides him I can't think of anyone else we wouldn't have been able to reason with given enough time."

"This is your cell." The Android cuts in, stopping suddenly in front of one of the iron doors and opening it. "His Excellency will seek an audience with you when he returns. Until then you are to stay here with the other human we've acquired since his leaving."

The guards shove them into the cell and then slam the door. Peach looks around keenly as if they had just entered a hotel suite instead of a dungeon.

"Well, then isn't this nice. A little dirty but much more spacious than Bowser's dungeons."

In the corner away from the flickering ceiling lamp, they hear shuffling. Peach's face lights up.

"…and we have a new roommate we get to meet!"

Indy takes a cautious step away from the corner. "Princess, I don't think that's someone we want to meet."

"Nonsense." She wave to the corner. "Hello there, whoever you are. I am Princess Peach of Mushroom Kingdom, this is my friend Doctor Jones. So nice to make your acquaintance."

The figure in the corner chuckles softly.

"On the contrary my dear, we've already been introduced."

The figure straightens up and comes into the light. Indy and Peach recoil in horror.

"Hello you two." Crones Sideshow Bob.

…

Back in Mos Eisley, Markus finally slides back into to their booth. Sweat glistening from his forehead.

"God damn, those ****** can play!" He remarks, gesturing behind him to the band. "Been a good minute since I put on a show like that. Good shit. Thanks for being patient."

"Whatever. You pay off our bill?" Amethyst asks. Markus grins.

"Yeah, we good my ******. Yo! You see Obi Wan and Luke yet?"

"No. In fact I'm beginning to think we might not be in Episode IV after all." Lenny says. "Perhaps we should pop over to Mos Espa and see if we've landed in The Phantom Menace?"

"Nah, ****** no chance in hell we're in the prequels. Not even Conner's that cruel." Markus assures him. He glances around the table. "Yo what ya'll do with Peachy?"

"She when to talk to Indy and never came back." Beatrice tells him.

"When was that?"

"I don't know, couple hours ago maybe."

Markus looks alarmed.

"Yo, she's been gone that whole time!?"

"She might just be having a heart to heart with Indy. Those can tend to take a while."

Markus relaxes.

"Yeah… You're right. Fuck though, you almost had me worried for a sec-"

"That'd she'd been kidnaped?" Lenny guess. Markus grins.

"Yo... You had to say it Lenny."

"Can you imagine though? After all this time staying safe, poor Peach ends up kidnapped the night after we have a big discussion on the matter."

Markus laughs. "Yeah… fuck. That'd be brutal *****."

"She's probably fine." Beatrice insists. The men agree.

A moment of silence passes between him.

"…We should…probably… check on them away." Lenny says slowly.

They others agree.

…

"YOU!" Peach shouts, accusatory finger pointed at Bob. "You were dead! I saw you!"

Bob scowls. "Yes, your little friends certainly did their best to kill me. Unfortunately for all parties involved I survived our little encounter on the monorail… Only have you people whisk me away to this this arid science fiction hellscape! I mean honestly. What, I ask you did I do to deserve such cruelty?"

"You tried to kill us!" Indy shouts.

Bob scoffs. "Oh please… It was a contract job. It didn't mean anything."

"You chased us through a train with a machete!"

"As you would have if someone had promised you a priceless art collection for your troubles." Bob protests. He gives Indy a venomous grin. "I mean, of course, I'm not above the occasional murderous thirst for vengeance, but really it takes quite a bit to earn my ire. One has to truly and deeply slight me, like Krusty did, or the boy, or…" He shutters. "…Rakes." He expressions soften. "But all that aside I'm sorry for the unpleasantness between us."

Peach returns his smile "We appreciate your apology."

"Thank you Princess."

"Peach don't pity him!" Indy shouts. "He'd still be trying to kill us if he could collect the bounty."

"Oh be nice Doctor."

"No. He's right. I would. I'm gentlemen enough to admit it." Bob insists. "But now… even if I did want you dead I wouldn't be able to do much would I?"

He shows them the chains around his wrist.

"...Chained here like a dog, in this strange land of make believe. Languishing away while I await my execution at the hands of early eighties cinema."

"You've heard of this movie too?" Peach asks surprise. Bob grimaces bitterly.

"Oh yes… Even a man of high culture can't escape the influence of Star Wars." He looks to the Princess. "And don't think I wasn't aware of you either Princess. I can't say I'm surprised to find you here kidnapped."

"AAAGH!"

Peach howls in frustration. The other two give her an odd look. She hastily recomposes herself.

"…I mean yes! Of course, … That is what I'm know for…"

Bob's eyes flick over to Indy, and he smirks again. "This setting befits you as well Doctor Jones. I trust you know…"

"…That I'm in my own sister series? Yeah I got that already. We're only in here because everyone thinks I'm Han!"

Sideshow Bob cackles spitefully.

"Oh, the exotic woes of a fictional character…"

Indy laughs. "What you still thing you're from the real world?"

"What?" Bob asks mockingly. "You expect me to think I'm a film character like you?"

"I thought it's supposed to be… What did Markus call it? An animated sitcom?" Peach asks.

Bob scoffs. "Animated sitcom… please… I'm real."

Indy smirks nastily. "Oh you're real are you? That what you think? That's what me and Peach thought. That's what anyone here on Tatooine would think, but according to someone out in the multiverse, were not."

"Malarky!" Exclaims Bob. "The very thought of trying to group me in as one of your fellow figures of entertainment for the common man. I know the truth. I am the protagonist of my own destiny! Not some hack network television writers."

Indy's grin broadens. "Oh your no protagonist Bob. You're the antagonist."

Bob chuckles soften only to trail off after a second. A wave of concern washes over him.

"Antagonist to whom?" He asks quietly. "Krusty?"

"No."

"Mayor Quimby?"

"Not him."

A bead of sweat runs down Bob's forehead. They can see the realisation slowly start to seize him.

"Not Selma Bouvier, my old fiancée?"

"No, but they are related." Peach tells him. Bob goes pale.

"No please… not the boy."

Indy smirks at him.

Bob's wail of agony can be heard for miles.

…

The streets of Mos Eisley are beginning to quiet down from their mid morning rush, as most of its people retreat inside from the midday heat. Most of the people still out are on the move. Lumbering along on strange alien beasts of burden or cruising past on hovering speeders. Kicking up dust on anyone that's fool enough to wander the main streets on foot. Namely Markus and Beatrice.

"AY YO WATCH WERE YOU'RE GOING FOOL!" Markus hollers at a passing vehicle, beside him Beatrice is doubled over in a coughing fit.

"Yo you good?"

"Can we try the side streets?" She asks.

Markus nods and they turn off the main road, into one of the narrow alleys.

"Better?" He asks. Beatrice frowns.

"I guess, I was kind of hopping for shade."

"Yeah…" Markus casts a wary glance up at the twin suns of Tatooine. "You gonna be aight being back out in this heat?"

"We won't be out as long, so I'll be fine." Beatrice assures him. "I can't get anymore sunburnt that I already am at least."

She gives him a half smile, her face and arms still red from yesterday. Markus chuckles.

"Aight good. I got enough people to worry about right know. I don't need you causing problems for me again."

Beatrice's little smile fades.

They walk between the domed buildings and strange equipment that's littered between them. Every piece of technology they've seen so far as been both far more advance than anything either of them have ever seen, and old and rusty to the point of near uselessness.

"I'm sorry about um… well everything basically." Beatrice says quietly. "I already said sorry to Peach, but I know I was kind of rough of you too."

Markus gives her a sideways stare laced with judgement. Beatrice shrinks back.

"Worse part of this game for me was being stuck at Hogwarts with those fuckin' Slytherins." He says bitterly. "Went into that shit thinking '****** come on, they can't all be bad.' But they were. Every little fuckin' one of them was a little snot nose asshole. Even the crew we got from that other season, Kiryu was tight, but the others? Fuck 'em.

I tried hangin' with all these ****** but they ain't got no depth to 'em. All of 'em never wanted to do anything but crush other people's spirit. Then, just when I think I'm over it and I've seen it all, you get them all fired up talking shit on Peachy! Rick made you feel like shit so you had to tear somebody else down. You disrespected my friend. And by doing that, you disrespected me!"

Beatrice looks down ashamed.

"I'm sorry." She murmurs.

Markus shakes his head.

"Bet you all those little bitches you used to hang with still talk shit on people."

He nudges her chin and gets her to look up.

"But you ain't like anymore. You out here trying to be better, I and I respect that."

He drops his harsh gaze and smiles slightly.

"I appreciate the apology. I didn't think you deserved a second chance, but Peachy talked me into it. I'm glad she was right about you."

Relieve floods Beatrice's freckled expressions. She gives him a half-embarrassed smirk.

"Yeah… well… I mean I figured I've taken up enough screen time. I got to give some of the others a chance to cast drama, like Indy and Amethyst."

Markus sighs.

"Fuckin' Amethyst…"

"You guys gonna be able to figure things out with her or do you think she's a lost cause?" Beatrice asks.

Markus shakes his head. "Man… I don't know. Hopefully Bentley can talk some sense into her."

…

Elsewhere in town, Amethyst storms through a quiet bazaar, eye straight ahead. On her back Bentley does the surveying for her. He spots a scrapyard full of old technology and grins.

"You know with all these old droid parts lying around, I could probably build myself a pretty nice new wheelchair. Maybe my injury won't make me as helpless as we thought."

Amethyst grunts. "Shouldn't have happened to you in the first place."

"Amethyst I think if anyone has a right to complain about it it's me."

"So why aren't you!?" She demands. "The others screwed us over! You should be furious!"

"The others didn't do anything to us. We did this to ourselves."

"Shut up!"

She drops him off her back, and he falls to the ground.

"We're supposed to be a team man!" She says, glaring down at him accusatively. "We're the Shorty Squad alright!? We look out for each other. We're in it to win it! But lately it feels like you barely care about that."

"Because there's more important things than winning Amethyst." Bentley says, wincing as he pulls himself up. Amethyst gives him a look of disgust.

"More important than winning? What could possibly be more important than winning!?"

"Surviving." Bentley says firmly, meeting her gaze.

"I can't expect you to understand as a gem, but this game's been getting hard on anyone with a soft organic body, and all the basic needs that come with it. There's been torment from the elements everywhere we go and that's not even counting that the last two worlds we visited had people actively trying to kill us. Now we've been here on Tatooine for thirty-six hours, and we haven't seen a single friendly face to guide us around."

"Who cares?"

"Trust me, it's a bad sign. This game's getting harder, and this whole group's counting on me to help get us through it. Everyone's got to pull their weight if we're going to get through this thing, including you Amethyst."

Amethyst sneers at him.

"Yeah sure, we tried helping out already! That's what got us into this mess remember!?"

Her voice breaks sightly.

"We save the day and what do we get for it!? Nothing! Nada! Zip! Worse even! If those other dirtbags hadn't left Bob to me and Yao, then maybe Yao wouldn't of-"

"Yao's fine Amethyst!" Bentley interjects. "You heard what Lenny said back at the cantina. Everyone's whose been eliminated is fine. It's those of us still in the game I'm worried about."

"You could still do more to avenge them." Amethyst accuses.

Bentley frowns at her. "For crying out loud Amethyst I'm not giving up on the game! I still want the prise money! After all we've been through, I want it bad! But if you don't learn to play nice the others, you won't see a dime of it! They'll eliminate you before you get the chance." He looks grim. "…Or maybe the game itself will."

Amethyst scoffs and rolls her eyes. Bentley gives her a tired look.

"Just promise me you'll try Amethyst."

Amethyst suddenly looks off to their left, distracted by something.

"Amethyst?"

"Yeah, yeah whatever!" She hisses. "Listen, do you hear that?"

"Hear what?"

They can hear arguing in the building next to them. Amethyst ear's perk up.

"Sounds like someone's up to something, come on."

Bentley sighs resignedly as she scoops him up again and dashes into a nearby door.

The building turns out to be a docking bay, one of many in the city. A round, donut shaped structure around a circular landing pad.

Amethyst crouches behind a crate of supplies.

Six Storm troopers (The same ones unbenounced to them that sold Indy and Peach to Jabba) Stand in the centre of the landing bay, arguing with the furry, broad face alien standing along side a freighter.

"-It is not for civilians to question the motives of the Stormtrooper corp!" Booms Commander Haraka.

"What do you need my ship for!?" Demands the alien. "Don't you Bucketheads have enough on your base?"

"You watch your mouth!" Snaps one of the soldiers. "This is official Imperial business you're obstructing. Keep it up and you'll lose more than just the freighter."

The owner growls at them.

"Fine! Take it! Don't see what good it'll do you with that blockade up."

The stormtroopers turn to each other slightly confused.

"Blockade?" One of them parrots uncertainly. The alien rolls his wide set eyes at them.

"The Hyperspace anomaly in low orbit? That's the Empire's handiwork isn't it? What are you trying to do starve out the smugglers? Because that's noble and everything, really is but you tell your superiors that their latest hair brained schemes going to kill off all of Tatooine! Ever since it appeared yesterday morning no one's been able to get on or off planet. If we don't get our food imports soon people will start to croak."

The Stormtroopers stand there mystified, this obviously being news to them.

"Er uh… What did I say about questioning Imperial authority!" The commander snaps.

He forces the owner to the ground with the but of his rifle.

"Swine like you make me sick, The Emperor does everything in his power to protection this galaxy and this is how you repay him!? Pathetic! Now no more nonsense, we're taking the ship no questions asked so scram and don't come back!"

He drags the owner back to his feet then kicks him in the back. The Alien grunts in pain then limps away, muttering darkly.

Soon as he's gone one of the soldiers let's out a breath of relief.

"I thought he'd never leave."

"Neither did I" Admits the Commander. "Now let's go."

"What about that hyperspace anomaly he was talking about?"

"Don't worry about it."

"But sir-"

"He's an illiterate crook. You think he knows anything about what he's talking about? Now come on! We need to be on Nar Shaddaa before the garrison even knows we're gone."

The six of them file into the freighter and after a minute of silence, it takes off into the sky. Amethyst and Bentley withdrawn from their hiding spot and return to the alley. Amethyst looks unhappy.

"Seem like the local authorities aren't exactly the reputable kind either." Bentley muses.

"Yeah… great. This place just keeps getting better!" Amethyst says grumpily. "I thought we were gonna at least get a cool space adventure but noooo. We just had to show up to this dumb planet the moment it gets cut off from the rest of the galaxy…"

She blinks. Then looks over her shoulder at Bentley.

"Wait you don't think…"

"That that's not a coincidence." Bentley correctly guesses.

Amethyst screws up her face, mind suddenly racing.

"He said that thing's in low orbit right?" She asks. "What if… all we have to do is fly up there and get to it."

"Or it could just be Conner's way of telling us to stick to one planet." Bentley acknowledges.

Amethyst scratches her chin. "Yeah… Could be. I'm probably right, though."

"I'm not so sure it's that conclusive yet."

"Then I'll make it conclusive!" Amethyst says. "Come on, let's go interrogate some people and find out."

"But aren't we supposed to be looking for… oh never mind." Bentley bemoans, as Amethyst hosts him up like a backpack and charge off towards the main road.

…

"Let me die! LET ME DIE!"

Far to the north in a dungeon deep beneath the earth, Sideshow Bob's smashing his head against the wall hysterically. Howling in despair while he does.

"Please stop doing that, you're going to hurt yourself." Peach says, watching him with grave concern.

"GOOD! I'd rather die than live as nothing more than an accessory to the story of Bartholomew J Simpson!"

"Than can you kill yourself a little more quietly? You'll attract the guards." Indy says irritably.

"Professor!" Peach scolds.

"He's not worth you're pity Princess." Indy retorts. "Besides, I've had it with this whole debate about what's real and what isn't. None of it matters."

"That's an easy thing for a man like you to say Jones." Bob snarls ruefully. "You're the protagonist, the hero of your story! Not the damsel destined to sit patiently waiting for them like a trophy, or god forbit the poor villain damned for all eternity to be foiled by the DEVIL CHILD!"

"SHUT UP!" Roar Indy. "Just shut up already, will you? So there's someone out there you've never meet that claims to have made you up!? Who gives a shit? I don't care how famous me, you, Peach, or this damn whole planet is! Doesn't change the facts on the ground. At the end of the day, we're still just three people, rotting in a prison of a country who's customs we know nothing about. And speaking of-"

He turns to Peach.

"Princess you want to sit here and keep playing whatever game you're playing fine. But I'm not staying in this cell!"

Much to his surprise Peach giggles.

"Yes, of course Doctor. You're right. Allow me."

She rises to her feet with a grace most unbefitting of their filthy prison and strolls over to the door.

"Now of course I'm used to Bowser's dungeons and he doesn't use electricity. But this shouldn't be too hard."

She taps the silver bracelet on her arm. At once the inventory for her hammerspace projects out of it. Sideshow Bob, still moping in the corner look up for a moment. Registering the strange device.

Peach pulls out the knife Indy gave her to splinter torches. She slides it around the door frame, until it snags on something.

"There we are."

She pulls on the knife, slicing open a pair of wires. At once there's a sharp click. Peach stashes the knife again and throws her weight against the door, slowly pushing it open. She turns back to Indy and smiles.

"Ta da. One open door, as promised."

Indy and Bob stare at her blankly.

"Could you have done that at any time?" Bob asks, somewhere between indignation and surprise.

Peach's expression takes on a subtle note of hard won pride.

"Sitting patiently and waiting for Mario got repetitive the third of fourth time Bowser kidnapped me. Since then I've become very found of going for…" She clears her throat. "…polite strolls around his castle. And I don't mean to boast but I'm starting to get good at not bothering anyone while I do."

Innocent glee abounds back into her grin.

"Though I must say it's exciting to see someone else's palace for a change."

Indy shakes his head.

"You're an odd one princess, even by this game's standards."

He makes to step past her. Peach stops him.

"Doctor Jones I believe we're forgetting someone."

She nods towards the corner Bob's chained up in. Indy's expression immediately hardens.

"No!"

"But we can't leave him!"

"Oh yes we can!"

"Doctor!"

"No, no, she's right." Bob insists. Using his Midatlantic baritone to it's full thespian potential. "Allow me to rot here in this cell in peace. It's the fate I deserve."

He hangs his head dramatically. Peach puts a hand to her check.

"Oh you poor thing. Here."

"Princess no!" Indy commands urgently. But Peach has already pulled out her hammer and smashed free Bob's restrains from the wall. He smiles graciously.

"Thank you Princess."

"My pleasure. I'm always happy to help someone in need."

"A very noble cause to have." Bob purrs silkily. "I believe we got off on the wrong foot princess. Allow me to reintroduce myself."

He dives into a low bow and kisses her hand.

"You are at the command of one Dr. Robert Underdunk Terwilliger, Jr. Graduate of Yale, Lover of theatre, Proudly registered member of the Republican Party… as well as a few other unsavory things priorly discussed."

Indy chuckles darkly. Bob gives him a look.

"What?"

Indy smirks. "Nothing Yalie."

Sideshow Bob Frowns.

"You think that's funny Doctor Jones? Where did you go too? Not that overpompous rat's nest Princeton?"

Indy scowls dangerously. "I studied at The University of Chicago… My dad taught at Princeton."

Sideshow Bob grins smugly. "Well… then that explains your record with archelogy."

Indy growls in disgust.

"Alright! The hell with this. Princess you can play with this murderer to your hearts content, I'm finding a way back to Mos Eisley!"

"Alright then Doctor Jones, good luck." Peach says cheerfully.

Indy storms out of the room, then hear him pause just outside the door.

"I'm really going you know. You'll be all alone with him" He calls

"I'll manage." Peach assures him.

They hear him stomp away, then pause again.

"I mean it, they'll be no one around to stop him if he tries to kill you!"

"It's okay. I trust him." Peach says.

Indy's footsteps fade into the distance. There's a brief moment of quiet, before them her him storming back towards them, and he thunder into the cell. Clearly furious with himself.

"Fine! We'll take Bob with us." He fumes. "Come on, ladies first."

Peach giggles and she, Bob and Indy stroll out of there cell. The other creatures in the prison screeching at their cells doors as they pass. She shushes them.

"Please, be quiet everyone. If you do, I'll make sure you all go free with us later when we leave."

The alien creatures all immediately go silence and the three rush out of the prison block in peace.

"Do you really intend to unleash all those horrors back there?" Bob asks.

Peach shutters. "Not if it can be avoided."

…

Back in the cantina, Beatrice and Markus have returned to their booth dejectedly. The Alien customers around them completely ambivalent to their plight. Most of them having seen people in far sorrier state in this tavern.

"Man, we must have searched half this town for those two." Markus sighs. "Where the fuck are Peachy and Jones?"

Letsplay Lenny enters the establishment.

"How'd it go Lenny?" Beatrice asks him.

"No luck unfortunately." Lenny admits sliding in besides them.

A moment later Amethyst and Bentley bursts in triumphantly.

"YO YO my peeps! Guess who just solved all our problems suckahs!?" She boasts, bounding over to their table with Bentley excitedly.

"You found Peach and Indy?" Beatrice asks. Amethyst blows a raspberry.

"Those losers? Forget it! We found something better!"

Markus looks annoyed. "Yo you were supposed to be busting ass out there looking for those two like the rest of us."

"What could be better than the thing you were supposed to look for?" Beatrice says flatly. Amethyst smirks.

"How 'bout the way to next world?"

The others perk up.

"You for real?" Markus asks.

Amethyst raises an eyebrow. "You know that hyperspace anomaly in orbit?"

"Yeah I heard couple people round town bitchin' about it."

Amethyst smirks. "Yeah, well we talked to a couple people that went up to investigate in person. Tell 'em Bentley."

"It's a wormhole." Bentley explains. "A tear in reality. That's why everyone around here's scared to go near it. Their afraid they'll be sucked into another dimension."

"Or more specifically the dimension our next challenge is at sons! All we got to do is get up there and we got our ticket out of here!"

"That's it then? All we have to do is find a ship and leave Tatooine?" Lenny asks. "No Jedi training? No joining the Rebellion? No blowing up Death Stars? No Ewoks?

"Seems so." Bentley muses.

"Oh…" Lenny says looking dejected. "Well I supposed I should be gratefully we're not shipping off to battle but…. Yeah no. I'm disappointed."

"Yeah, yeah, worry about it some other time big guy." Amethyst says. "Come on, we got a space ship to catch!"

"Whoa, slow down, time out." Beatrice implores. "We're not gong anywhere without the other two."

Amethyst frowns and taps her chin sarcastically. "Yeah uh…about that. I was thinking you know, since it's been a bit, we could do like a double elimination? That good with you dorks?"

"We ain't leaving without Peachy!" Markus says harshly.

"Sure we can." Amethyst says dismissively, already turning to leave.

"Amethyst don't be stupid! We don't leave people behind." Beatrice chastises.

Amethyst swerves around furiously, and immediately Beatrice realises her mistake in phrasing.

"Yeah Beatrice, we do leave people behind." Amethyst with the dangerously serenity that precedes violent hostility. "We all left twenty people to get here, and someone's gonna leave six more behind by the end of this." Her nostrils flare. "Cause as much as the rest of you like to pretend otherwise, there's only going one person left at the end of this game."

"The only way we're gonna get to the end is if we work together!" Beatrice counters.

"DON'T YOU TELL ME ABOUT TEAMWORK!" Amethyst screams, her rage reaching the surface. "I'm the one that pulled the Shorty Squad out of our losing streak! I'm the one that saved us from Psycho Bob!" She jabbed a finger at Beatrice, Markus and Lenny. "I'M THE ONE THAT MADE EACH ONE OF YOU UNGRATEFUL JERKS AN HONOURARY MEMBER OF THE SHORTIES! All this treating each other like family and teamwork junk and how do you fools repay me!?" Tomoko! Gone! Tails! Gone! Yao! GONE! BENTLEY!? CRIPPLED!" She slams her fists on the table. "MY WHOLE! FRIGGIN'! TEAM! IS! GONE! NOW IT'S SOMEBODY ELSES TURN TO LOSE UNFAIRLY!"

"AND THEN WHAT!?" Beatrice demands, standing up and glowering down at the gem "You cheat Indy and Peach and then what happens!? Does it bring your friends back!?"

"It get's me two steps closer to avenging them!" Snarls Amethyst.

Beatrice snorts indignantly. "I'm sure they'll be proud."

"LIKE YOU'RE ONE TO TALK! YOU'RE THE ONE THA-"

"I KNOW!"

Beatrice sighs and shifts her weight awkwardly.

"Look I get it alright. Someone did something unfair to you. Fine. I'm sorry. You want to talk about, complain about it, whatever you need to do to get it off your chest, do it.

Life's not fair, big whoop. Find a way to get over it. But no one else deserves to suffer just because you did!"

Amethyst glares at her still soldering. Beatrice can tell her retort won't be diplomatic. But before she can get her reply out the Wookiee owner of the cantina comes out hollering at them.

"Look sir, I'm sorry, but after like, couple week of trying I still can't understand Wookiee." Markus says apologetically.

The Wookiee, who's the same chestnut colour as Chewbacca, but taller, seemingly older, and fully dressed, gestures to his human barman, who slouches over to their table disinterestedly.

"Chalmun's saying that he's used to people roughing each other up in his bar. But you people keep shouting and making scenes like this and not only is he gonna have to kick you out, but you'll probably attract the Bucketheads like your friends did earlier."

"Yo hang up, back that shit up." Markus says. "You know where our friends are?"

The barman raises an eyebrow in surprise. "You telling me you kids didn't hear the commotion out front earlier? Couple of your Rebel friends got hauled off by six Stormtroopers."

Markus runs his hands through his wig. "Stormtroopers? Fuck…" He blinks. "Yo wait? You think we Rebels?"

The Barman sniffs irritably. "Stop playing dumb with me kid. Anyone palling around Han Solo these days is with the Rebellion. Why exactly you though you could bring him to a town where everyone knows his mug is anyone's guess."

Chalmun growls something.

"Unbelievable is right." The Barman concurs with him.

They walk off.

"So they think he's Han…" Lenny says with shake of his head. "Blimey I should have warned Jones that he looks exactly like a famous outlaw."

"Aight looks like's you're getting your wish after all Lenny." Markus says. "We got some Stormtroopers to fuck up."

Amethyst smirks mirthlessly. "Yeah… You people have fun with that. I'm going to the portal."

"Alright. Don't let us stop you." Beatrice says pleasantly. "Just remember that next time we have to vote someone out we'll keep this moment in mind."

"Are you threatening me!?"

"Just… reminding you how this game works."

Beatrice smiles calmly at her. Amethyst stares at her for a minute like she's trying to will her to death with the power of hostile thinking alone. Finally, she turns to Bentley (Still riding as always on her back) her old friend gives her a feeble smile. Amethyst let's out a low guttural groan of disgusted resignation.

"He said they were taken by six troopers right?" She asks.

"I think.." Beatrice say slightly taken aback. Amethyst nods and gets up.

"Let's go then. I think me and Bentley got a lead."

…

The halls of the palace remain dark and filled with a strange mist as the three prisoners walk them silently. Their ears strained for any hostile sounds. Occasionally they pass a door corridor or doorway leading to thinks they'd rather not discover. The sounds and scents of unknown aliens creatures or in one case, a burst of red sparks and a mechanically shrieking.

They wisely avoid that place, instead taking the stairway up out of the dungeons, and back into the main palace complex.

"You're counting you're steps of course, aren't you Doctor?" Peach asks out of the blue. Indy gives her the dazed expression a school pupil asked a math sum he wasn't prepared for often acquires.

"Uh… Was I supposed to?"

"Well yes… How else well we know how much time we'll need to get back to the dungeon?" She demands.

"What's the good in knowing that?"

"So we'll know how to get back here next time." Peach insists.

"I don't plan for next times." Indy counters. "I don't tend to end up tied up in the same place twice."

"Well, no one ever does. But it happens all they same so we prepare for it." Peach says. She shakes her head like a disappointed mother. "My stars Indiana, I thought you said you were familiar with this sort of thing."

"Not everyone has the gift for it." Bob concurs.

Indy gives him a look.

"If you're so good at sneaking around how come you've never escaped?" He asks Peach. The Princess frowns.

"You try and find your way out of a castle surrounded by Lava." She says a little sorely.

"Fair point Princess. Even Houdini would struggle in such a scenario." Bob agrees.

Indy gives him another look. This time Bob catches it.

"Don't let him bother you." Peach urges. "He's just still upset about finding out he's a film character."

"Well I'd certainly be a hypocrite if I complained about his poor reaction wouldn't I?" Bob asks.

The two share a laugh.

They sneak through the entrance hall and climb the stairs further up, finally finding hallways that are decently lit.

Peach peers around the corner of one corridor and gasps.

"What?" Indy says cautiously.

"Oh, it's beautiful." Peach sighs.

Indy pushes past her.

They've stepped into the central camber of the palace under its principal dome, finding something that resembles an amphitheatre. All around the circular space, where one would expect seats instead strange glowing glass jars filled with a yellow liquid sit beneath the ornate banners hanging from the rafters that cross under the domed ceiling. The great space is near silent, filled only by the same somber atmosphere one finds in a place of worship.

Indy approaches one of the jars slowly. Rubbing the side for a better view. A severed brain bobs it the yellow liquid.

"The hell is this place?" He asks under his breath.

"In the lore surrounding the film that features it, Return of the Jedi, Jabba's palace was original a monastery." Bob explains, his voice reverbing across the chamber. "I believe we've just found the monks."

"The lore surrounding the film?" Indy asks.

Bob sticks his long nose in the air and puts a hand to his chest modestly. "Gilbert and Sullivan may me my one truth love, but I have other interests."

Indy makes a noise of disgust then goes back to examining the brains in their jars.

"So tell me Mr 'Lore Expert', what use does this Jabba guy have in harvesting the brains out of…" He squints and looks around the room. "…About a thousand monks?"

"They did that to themselves if I recall correctly." Bob insists. "Something about attaining detachment from the physical world." He gives Peach a wry smile. "With what plays on television these days I can't say I blame them."

Peach laughs merrily, not understanding the joke in the slightest, but humoured by his tone none the less.

They exit the mediation chamber and climb another flight of stairs before turning left, finding themselves on a bridge connecting to one of the adjoining towers to the main complex. The warm winds of Tatooine breeze by as they can see the desert cliffs stretch out around them in all directions.

"I'm surprised Jabba leaves those monks in peace." Indy says.

"As am I." Bob says a little more somberly.

"I think it's a good omen." Peach declares. "If he's kind to his hosts, then he'll surely be kind to his guests."

Bob makes a face.

"Unfortunately, I wouldn't count on that my dear Peach. If the original film's anything to go by, our 'hosts' a murderous and depraved gangster."

Peach smiles respectfully. "I'd like to believe there's believe there's more to people than what you see in the movies."

"With Jabba somehow I doubt that." Indy says.

"Was that room full of monks in the film?"

"Well… no. But if he's…" Indy sighs. "He's written by- I mean if this world's got the same kind of people mine does there won't be much reasoning with the bad guys."

"We managed to reason with Bob didn't we?"

Indy gives Bob another look.

"Right… we reasoned with him."

"Exactly." Peach says. Completely missing the Indy's tone.

The enter the tower, finding a tall, circular observation deck. Through narrow windows still see the sweeping expanse that surrounds them. The Palace really is at an excellent location. Any attacker would be spotted be guards from miles away. Of course, while exploring they hadn't actually seen any guards around yet. Not that they were trying to linger around to find them. Now that they're more covered they can take in the view. Bob stops by a window and sighs.

"Ah… the calm serenely of a natural landscape. Unmolestedly by humanity."

"Lovely." Peach says happily. "It's this sort of freedom I've always seen as the bright side of my kidnappings."

It's Peach's turn to make Bob laugh.

"You know Princess. I'm surprised you never tried to reason your way out of any previous kidnappings?" Bob says." He says.

Peach gives him a playful look of exasperation.

"Bowser isn't evil per say… but he is very stubborn. I and don't think he's quite learnt yet to respect other people opinions. He seems to think I'd make the perfect Queen for the Koopa's no matter how many time's I've told him I don't agree."

"There's people like that out there that are all those things and evil." Indy says bluntly. Ignoring the view and pushing past them to make for a stairway leading further up the tower. Peach sighs.

"I just don't seem to be reaching him today."

"Don't take it personally Princess." Bob says wistfully. "Not every world is a fair and just has your fairy tale kingdom. Most worlds follow a crueller history, and our good friend Doctor Jones has seen some it's foulest moments." He grumbles sourly. "Though of course he's been spared the corporate hellscape of modern America."

"Everyone I know from a version of that world says it's a very unhappy place. But when we were in Springfield it didn't seem so bad." Peach says thoughtfully. Bob scowls.

"My world isn't fair Princess. It doesn't take kindly to anyone outside the lowest common denominator. I had to commit armed robbery to get any half way intellectual content on the airways. And even then the common masses revolted and destroyed all my handiwork."

"Oh you poor thing." Peach says.

"The story of my life really." Bob says. He swoons dramatically. "Every thing I work for in life, all my great schemes! Destroyed! Eroded away by the tides of those mentally inferior through the strength of sheer numbers! Though of course, if I truly am cast as nothing more than the villain than perhaps failure it's my only destiny" He sighs. "I'm sorry again for the whole attempted murder… I should have know my plans were doomed. But all the same, those paintings… those wonderous beautiful examples of high culture would have made my life that much more bearable."

"There, there." Peach says in a comforting voice. "I believe things will get better for you soon."

"Do you?"

She nods. "I do. Because you apologised. That tells me you want to be better. So I believe you will be."

Bob smiles graciously.

"Thank you Princess. I dare say the world would be a brighter place with more people like you in it."

Peach's beams at the compliment, and her normally sunny dementor flares radiantly.

Sideshow Bob gives her a contemplative look. "Do you really mean what you said about us not being defined by the roles popular culture assigns us?"

Peach giggles.

"Yes of course I do. Why according to Lenny and Peter if I behaved like I was supposed to in my games I'd be a far simpler version of myself. Probably running around giggling excitedly without any…"

She stops dead on the middle of the stairways. Mouth hanging open. Bob raises an eyebrow.

"Something wrong?"

"…The holes." She says softly.

Bob looks confused. Then without warning Peach spirit off after Indy.

"DOCTOR JONES!"

She finds him in a large room at the top of the tower, hunching over a strange machine. He looks up in alarm when he see her.

"Princess! What'd are you mad!? Keep your voice down!"

"I know what's causing everyone's memory problems!" Peach nearly shrieks. Quite suddenly filled with an almost hysterical glee Indy last saw her slip into at Wonka's factory. Indy seems taken aback.

"You did?"

"Yes!" She points to Bob. "Don't you see!? We only remember what their world wants us too!"

Indy and Bob exchange a look of confusion.

"Wait.. Slow down... Is this that thing Rick was talking about?"

"No time to explain!" Peach insists. "Indy, give me examples of some of your adventures!"

"I don't see…"

"Indy!"

"Fine, I rescued the Ark of the Covenant, dismantled a Thuggee Cult and found the Holy Grail."

"Anything else!?" She probs.

"Yes." He says impatiently. "There's just a little harder to focus on with you bouncing off the walls like that."

"Or maybe you only remember those three because those are the one's in your films!" Peach cries.

Indy scoffs at that. "What!? No… Those three only come to mind because the boys were talking about them last night." He insists.

But Peach is right. He had been on countless adventures. He knew that, he could still remember them. But for some reason the memories of them seem more haze than those three. The Ark, the Temple, the Grail… he was even remembering them in that order. He had found the Thuggee the year before going after the arc. Why did he want to list that adventure second, like it was… in the order Peter had described he's films coming out.

Peach started pacing while he's been mulling that over. Her red cloak twirling around as she bounds around the room, heart racing.

"That's what I was so silly at the start of the game. I was the shallow girl everyone thought I was. Then I hit my head and now what? I'm cured? No. I can't be. I still don't remember my parents! Maybe I'm my true self but I can still only remember what was in the games. Maybe there's an even better Peach that makes me look better? So many possibilities! And that's not even touching the Girl!"

"What Girl?" Both men ask in unison.

"That's… oh…" Peach pauses for the briefest of moments. "Nothing of your concern." She says, deciding suddenly that the mystery of her reflection was one she'd rather solve on her own.

She returns to pacing excited. "So much fits! So much explained. This is what I was waiting for! It proves what I've been trying to make my heart believe since Peter's visit last night."

"What?" Indy asks again.

"That we're real." She breathes. Indy looks unimpressed.

"I know that Princess! It'd take more than what Quill said to convince me otherwise!"

"Yes, but it was different for you! You don't have as many holes." Peach insists. "You can I remember your parents! I can't… But know I have a reason for that. Now I know that I have them. I have a father, a mother, family." There was warmth spreading through her veins like a fire had been lit in her. "I have an age, a childhood, my country has a history, there is more to it than what people insist, there is more to me then just endless kidnappings! More to Bob than villainy! More to you!"

Her eyes flashes around the room with exaltation.

"And, that it means there's more to Jabba as well!" She twirls. "I'm sure he'll agree to help us now."

Indy's expression grows dark.

"Actually Princess, you're not the only one that's been making discoveries."

Indy presses a button on the machine he's been hovering over. A massive holographic image projects out of the centre of the room, bathing the space in its blue glow.

"Seems like we stubbled onto Jabba's home computer, complete with archives of all he's illicit business practices."

"Is he as bad as Lucas makes him to be?" Bob asks. Indy grimaces.

"I'd say he's worse."

He turns back to the machine. The image changes.

"As it turns out, are most esteemed host is fond of such hobbies as, smuggling, drug running, slave hauling, war profiteering, corruption, torture, blood sports, and a rather repugnant diet."

Peach frowns. Most of the terms are unknown to her, but the images that accompany them send a powerful message.

"But the monks…"

"What about them? Hitler's kind to dogs, doesn't change how he treats people." Indy says grimly.

Peach takes a breath to help calm herself. Her heart's still pounding in her chest.

"Okay." She says. "Maybe we'll have to try Jabba tomorrow. Let's go back and find the others first. I have to tell Markus about what I've found."

"Sounds like the best plan you've made all day." Indy says. "Come on, let's get out of here."

The three of them make towards the stairs, before coming to an abrupt halt.

The tentacled man with the dark robes in standing in the doorway, dozens upon dozens of guards standing behind them.

He tents his fingers and smiles sinisterly.

"Jabba is ready to see you now." He says in accented English.

…

The old Corellian freighter touches back down at Docking Bay 94 and Ran Harada storms out of it, his innards twisted into knots.

All the good fortune he had been experiencing had suddenly turned on his head. The locals hadn't been wrong, there was something horrifically wrong in the hyperspace above Tatooine. And it wasn't to going to allow anyone but the most suicidal pilot to get off this miserable planet.

He grimaces foully under his helmet, and feels his men doing the same. The Mos Eisley garrison had always been a miserable place to be stationed with the oppressive heat and the hostile locals, some of which took to mounting severed Stormtrooper heads on pikes as a statement in home décor. Then came the ultimate humiliation. The Death Star plans stolen by the Rebel Alliance had passed right under there noses undetected, allowing the poor untrained rebel insurgents to destroy the greatest piece of military engineering in Imperial history. The destruction of the Death Star had dampened morale throughout the corp and brought new officers to Tatooine to toughen up the local troops. They did this by making their lives even more of a living hell than they had already been.

Then all of a sudden when Harada and his men were all but delusioned with the army, fate delivered to them who else by the famous rebel Han Solo. A man worth a king's ransom in bounties, a man hundreds of millions of Stormtroopers dreamed of taking revenge on. And now instead taking a golden opportunity for an early retirement and enjoying the sweet feeling of justice, as well the loving touch of some Twi'lek girl in the neural sanctum of Hutt Space he was trapped back here. In this wretched hive of scum and villainy. With no way to escape, and his superior officers no doubt beginning to grow suspicious of his absence.

He growls in dismay.

"Where's that damn pilot at? I'm gonna wring his damn Lutrillian neck."

That would of course accomplish nothing, and it wasn't the locals fault for their misfortune. But killing some alien smuggler always had a way of making him feel better.

He scans the circular docking bay spitefully. It's quiet. Too quiet.

"Where he run off too?" He demands.

"Must of known we'd be coming back and ran." One of his troops, WD-2012 concedes.

There's a sharp noise, near one of the covered hanger. Another trooper CA-101 raises a blaster.

"Over there!"

They slowly approach the hanger, blasters raises.

"Imperial Stormtroopers! Show yourself citizen!" Harada barks.

There's a pause, where nothing happens. Then without warning an iridescent, turquoise humanoid drops from the ceiling and lands in front of them.

"Hello there!"

The troopers open fire, the creature explodes into dust near instantly. The stop their fire, leaving an awkward silence.

"That was weird." Says CA-101, rather unhelpfully. "What do you suppose that was abAAA!"

There's a flash of blue and something knocks him to the ground. The troops start firing again at direction of the blue object. It charges them again revealing itself to be a short blue woman brandishing a whip. She strikes more of his men. Soon as they're unarmed two more attackers materialize. A girl with an auburn hair lunges at one and grabs hold of him by his neck, the other's brought down by a man in a pink suit welding a piece of scrap metal.

"It's an ambush!" Shouts WD-2012.

Haraka howls in rage. He aims his blaster at the girl and is ready to fire when there's suddenly a something behind him. He spins around.

"I said. Hello you." Beams the Turquois man, suddenly unharmed.

He sends a fist into Haraka's face and everything goes black.

When he's regained his senses, the commanders lying on the ground with his helmet torn off, tied up like a prised deer. All his troops have been incapacitated by the mysterious stranger, who grin down a him devious.

He sneers at them.

"If you people think you're going to get away with this…"

"Quiet you!" Bentley snaps, riding on Amethyst's back once more. "Now what'd you do with the girl and Solo?"

Haraka scowls suspiciously. "What is this? Who told you we had them?"

Beatrice looks taken aback.

"Wow. You were actually right Amethyst."

"Yeah dud? I always am." She says annoyed.

"Man I'm just glad we didn't fuck up a squad of Stormtroopers for no reason." Markus comments. "That would have made shit complicated."

He turns his attention to the Commander and brandishes the rusted pole he's using as a bat.

"Now you about to tell us where my Peachy is, or else shit's about to get fuckin' coo-coo up in this bitch!"

Haraka laughs spitefully. "You're too late, we've already collected the bounty on Solo and sold off your other little friend as well. Jabba the Hutt was generous enough to give us a small fortune for them both.

Markus and Lenny look alarmed.

"Jabba…" Markus croaks.

"Oh you're familiar?" Haraka asks, humoured. "Well then, I'm sure I don't need to tell you that the slug's doesn't give up prises easily." He cackles. "You rebels are in for a world of hell if you want to try and take them back."

Amethyst smirks at him. "Yeah… I think you mean we dude?"

Haraka stops laughing.

…

Dreadful apprehension floods through the prisoners as their lead down, away from the summer winds of the desert, and back into the depths of the wretched dungeons.

They march largely in silence, handcuffed and chained to one another, the swine like guards on either side of them, grunting as they shuffle down the stairs.

"Oh my, this isn't how I hoped our first meeting was going to go." Sighs Peach.

"There wasn't much chance of it going any other way, we're his prisoners." Indy says pessimistically.

"But's there's still hope we can reason with him."

"Princess give it a rest!"

"Quiet, the both of you." Bob hisses. "I'll handle things from now on."

"You? Why you?" Indy asks indignantly.

"Because by the sound of it, Peach's plan was to willingly get kidnaped while you never got around to planning anything to begin with."

'I never have time for plan, I improvise." Indy counters.

"Fantastic. You'll be able to improvise after I talk us through this."

Indy gives him an exasperated look, then jerks his head at Peach. "I've been telling this one all day, we can't talk our way out of this."

"I'm not." Bob insists in a harsh whisper. "I'm delaying for time."

He pauses to think.

"Follow my lead, the truth is too complicated to explain, Jones, you'll have to pretend you really are Solo." Indy makes to protest but Bob cuts him off. "He'll think that's who you are regardless so there's not much point in trying to convince him otherwise. As for you my dear Princess, Jabba has a fondness for woman, so perhaps it'd be best if he things you're dumb and agreeable."

"What!? No!" Peach yelps.

"Yes Princess." Bob insists.

"No! I need to talk to him as an equal!"

"Princess…"

"I've been trying so hard to prove I'm worth something!" Peach cries, forgetting to keep her voice down. Bob gives her an uncompromising look.

"You said you trusted me didn't you? Then do as I say and keep you head down while I solve this problem you've gotten yourself into."

"But…"

She doesn't have time to respond. They've reached the bottom of the stairs and entered into a decent sized chamber.

If it wasn't in the dungeons it could've been a dance hall, to Indy it'd looks like some gross perversion of a harem. The room's filled with tables and booths all organized around an open dance floor with a grid to god knows what below. From either side of them, aliens of every shape and form, some brightly coloured, some dingier than the room around them, all jeering at the prisoners. Finally, standing at the head of the room, surrounded by his most trusted minions, Peach and Indy set their eyes on Jabba himself, and nearly gag.

Their host is a colossal mollusk like abomination sickly green in colour, grossly obese and several times the size of a man. His wide toad like mouth dripping with saliva, his hog like nose, flat and lopsided, his dropping, orange, reptile like eyes keenly fixate on his prisoners like a cat watching three mice.

Jabba's mouth sags open and from it croaks the deep throated speech, all in his species own language. Though none of them can understand a word of it, the slime drenched pride in every guttural word uttered is clear as crystal.

"Remember, follow my lead." Bob says so quietly only Indy and Peach can hear him. He suddenly breaks into a broad grin. "Your Excellency!" He says to Jabba, bowing as low as his shackles will allow. "It' is… an immeasurable pleasure to be in your presence."

The great slug gives Bob one fleetly look of disinterest, then waves him aside, gesturing for Indy to come forward.

"Yes, of course, allow me to direct your attention to Captain Solo, the man of hour! Here in your presences as promised!"

Jabba growls again, this time the android translates.

"His Excellency Jabba was expecting Captain Solo to be delivered to him by one of his own bounty hunters, and preferably frozen in carbonite."

"Yes…Well there's been a change of plans." Bob insists.

"Yes, freezing me alive's off the table now." Indy assures him.

Jabba's eye's scan Indy. The archeology gives him what he hopes is a confident smile.

"You see Jabba this Is all a big misunderstanding. I was…" He leans over to Bob. "What'd I do to piss him off?"

"I believe you're indebted."

"… I was just on your way to pay off my debt's to you when the Stormtroopers caught up with me."

Jabba's entire harem laughs spitefully. A tiny monkey like creature sitting beside Jabba cackles particularly fiercely.

Jabba asks something in a mocking tone.

"If you are still so loyal to me Solo? Why did you run off to with your rebel friends?"

Indy gives him an innocent look. "Jabba you old good looker, you should know me well enough by now. Blowing up the Death Star was a one time affair. I didn't feel safe with that wonder weapon around but soon as it was gone, me and Chewie slipped the leash-"

"…And came straight to me." Bob proclaims.

"Yes Jabba, this is another off my associates… uh."

"Siddo Bobba." Bob says

"Siddo Bobba!" Indy concurs. "Greatest bootlegger in the Yalie Nimrodous system."

Bob gives him a brief glare before continuing.

"You see, Captain Solo and I have procured a king's random of spice out of the Unknown Regions. We had come to here to Tatooine looking to see if any of our old smuggler buddies would be willing to lend a hand when we both separately drew the ire of the local garrison… Bit of bad luck that."

"I may have neglected how infamous I'd be over in Mos Eisley." Indy admits. "Chewie's still got the haul stashed somewhere safe and way out of the way."

There's a pause before Jabba replies, they may not have tricked him just yet, but the great slug seems to at least be considering the story. His tentacled servant cast Indy a wary look and whispers something in Jabba's ear. He shoos him away stubbornly then croaks again.

"How much?" Asks his interpreter droid.

Indy struggles for something that sounds outlandish but realistic.

"250,000!" He says.

Audible gasps for the crowd, and he briefly fears he overshot his goal. But Jabba purrs with intrigue. His eyes then flicker over to Peach. He moans out another question.

"What of this girl you bring with you? The Great Jabba wonders if you intend for her to be a peace offering."

"Er… yes!" Bob smiles. "Of course."

"Think of her as insurance…" Indy explains. "I'll got some guys over past the nebula waiting with Chewie, uh... Flash Gordon, and Buck Rodgers, they're pretty famous spacers over in my neck of the woods. how's about me and Bob-"

"Bobba."

"-Me and Bobba rendezvous with them and bring the spice shipment back…"

"And… we'll leave you the girl in the meantime."

"What!?" Peach cries.

"Trust me Princess." Bob says through his teeth, he gives Jabba a salesman's grin. "Pretty thing isn't she?"

"I didn't agree to this." She hisses. "I'm not-"

"Who is she?" The android barks. "Is she human? Near Human? What is her native system?"

"My name is Princess Peach, of the Mushroom Kingdom."

Jabba's eyes widen slightly, a chuckles, then speaks softly.

"Forgive his Excellency Captain Solo. But he says he never knew you to deal in slaves."

Indy gives Peach brief look of distress. "Yes… well…"

Jabba raises a fat stump of an arm and beckons. One of the guards unhooks Peach's chain from the others and marches her over. Jabba staring down at her hungrily. He croaks in pleasure.

"Is the girl a dancer?" The android asks. Bob chuckles.

"She can be anything you desire."

Peach trembles like a leaf. This is all to familiar. All to horribly familiar.

She's lead up to Jabba. The border between past and present flaking away like embers. In her mind's eyes the dingy harem melts into a stone fortress awash with flames. Jabba's looming figure becomes the hulking form of a great demonic turtle dragon, hunched on his throne.

Jabba leans in, grabbing her chain, and pulling her in inch from his face. The revolting stench of his plague like breath threating to overwhelm her. Peach recoils in disgust. Jabba merely chuckles and groans in pleasure, then with a thrill of horror she see's his probing tongue extended towards her check.

"NOOOO!"

She wrens herself from his clutch and banging her wrists together pulling the danger from her hammerspace.

"I AM NOT YOURS TO HAVE!"

"PEACH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" Bob wails.

"EVEN BOWSER HAS BETTER MANNERS THAN YOU YOU FLITHY CREATURE!"

Pandemonium erupts around them. Jabba howls in rage.

"ASSASSIN! ASSASSIN!" Shrieks his translator.

Peach cries out in alarm as the guards throw her to the ground, seizing her and the other two. All the while Jabba continues ranting. His android following along.

"You call me filthy you wretched girl!? How dare you!? Take her back to the dungeon, tomorrow you learn how to behave around the proud leader of a powerful Hutt Kajidic! By force if necessary!"

He rounds on Jones.

"I can explain!" he cries desperately. "I didn't know she was going to do that I swear!"

"Save me your tears Captain Solo! You will pay gravely for this piety attempt on my life. Guard! Take him away! Make them suffer for this betrayal!"

And the three are hauling off screaming, while the harem devolved is a malicious cacophony out hate and outrage.

…

"That's the last of them!"

Lenny hurls the fifth Stormtrooper out of their freighter into the hole with the rest of them.

Beatrice looks around the small moisture farm they've stopped in.

"You sure no one's going to find them here."

"Positive." Lenny assure her. "The owner and his wife are both dead, and I don't believe their nephew has any real desire to come back."

Markus walks down the ramp of the freighter then stole from the Stormtroopers and looks about the farm appreciatively. Beatrice raises an eyebrow.

"Another movie location?"

"Yeah, pretty iconic one. Jabba's palace is too."

He turns to her.

"You know… you wanna sit this one out and I wait here, that's cool. Cause if we taking on Jabba, it probably means we about to into battle again."

"I handled Atlantis fine."

"Atlantis we had an army, this is just gonna be us contestant and one Stormtrooper that rather not be here."

His eye's briefly dart to Commander Haraka tied up in the ship before flashing back to Beatrice.

"You think you prepared for this shit?"

"Hey, I wasn't prepared to even make it this far in the game but here I am." She says. "Jones and I aren't exactly as close as you and Peach but he's been looking out for me the whole game. Wouldn't exactly feel right if I left him to some alien slug monster."

Markus grins.

"Aight…"

He pulls one of the Stormtrooper blasters from hammerspace and cocks it.

"Let's go get our friend back."