Total Drama Endless

by NondescriptNorbert

Total Drama back again! This time there's new twists, a cast of twenty seven fictional characters, and most importantly; a new host. The story isn't over. Epilogue part 4/6. Wonderland is gone. The girl in the looking glass stares back.

29. Binary Sunset

Total Drama Endless, Episode Twenty, Part Three

...

---

The harsh Bespin wind buffers his armour as the Bounty Hunter steps out into the evening air and marches towards his ship. The Imperial officers and a garrison of two Stormtroopers behind him, escorting the prize he had secured for his master. Loathe as he was to admit it the Empire had been very helpful to him today. All the same he'll be glad to be rid of them. Their Stormtroopers clad in their white plastoid armour reminds him of their predecessors, the Clone Troopers, which brings all sorts of complicated memories.

Solemnly he prods at an electric device on his wrist. Out of it projects the translucent image of his master, the tiny hologram barely doing any justice to his massive slug like figure. Their orange eyes registering interest when they realise whose calling them.

"You have news Boba Fett?" Jabba the Hutt inquires in his native tongue. His tone is off, inappropriate, almost mocking. For the sake of professionalism Boba ignores it.

"Yes Sir, Captain Han Solo has been procured. He's been frozen in carbonite by Lord Vader. Once the Imperials have stowed him in my cargo hold, I'll be on my way to deliver him."

…

Thousands of light years away, beneath his desert stronghold on Tatooine, Jabba's harem is nearly besides itself with laugher.

"As it so happens…" Jabba chortles. "… Captain Solo is already in my possession. The local Imperial garrison have claimed the bounty on him."

The stoic bounty hunter on the other end of the transmission stands there rigidly.

"That's impossible." He says bluntly. "Solo was captured here in Cloud City. I took part in the operation personally."

"I'm afraid you've fallen for a Rebel trick Boba." Jabba chuckles. "Such a shame. I took you for a better bounty hunter than that."

The Great Hutt ushers to one of his servants and they end the transmission with Boba Fett. With one of his fat arms Jabba reaches into a large bowl next to him, plucking out one of the creatures swimming in its green tinted water. Chuckling while he does.

"Humanity. They may claim stewardship over the galaxy, but they'll never truly rule it until they learn to scheme half as well as a Hutt."

"Elegantly put your Excellency." Bib Fortuna, his dark robed chief steward purrs a little over sincerely.

Jabba grunts in acknowledgement, then hurls the squealing creature into his gaping maw. Swallowing it whole.

"Oola!" Jabba bellows. "Bring me more paddy frogs."

"Yes My Excellency." A green skinned slave girl with two long tentacles protruding from her head whispers, then scampers off frantically.

An alarm begins to beep somewhere in the harem. The Great Hutt scowls.

"What is now Fortuna?"

"Our sensors have picked up an unfamiliar ship rapidly approaching this palace Your Excellency. They seem to have… overlooked the courtesy of hailing us."

Jabba gives a half-amused snort.

"It is a day of foolish presumptions." He observes. "And their consequences." His servant smiles deviously.

"Shall I treat them as we treat all unbidden guests?

"Certainly." Jabba insists. "Whom would I be if I did not grant them the welcome they deserve?"

…

The old boxy Corellian freighter glides low over the desert landscape, speeding towards the imposing cliffside monastery Jabba's repurposed into his palace.

One of the outlaying sentry towers suddenly whirls to life. A cannon emerges from it and sends a blast of ionizing particles at the freighter.

It hits its mark, and the ship's engines immediately shut off, dropping the craft to the ground with a hard thud and a cloud of dust. The momentum carries it a hundred metres further as it carves a shallow gash in the dessert, sand and gravel billowing past it as it scraps across the ground. One of the engines strikes a boulder causing it to blossom into a ball of orange flames, as the friction finally overpowers its inertia and the ship comes to a rest.

From a hidden entrance comes Jabba's guards. About a half dozen of them swarm the craft like vultures around a carcass, snorting and squealing with excitement.

The cargo door drops open and the guards rush in. There's a brief but intense cacophony of blasters firing and guards squealing, before things drop back into stillness. And the ship's occupants walk out largely unscathed.

Markus doubles over, panting.

"God damn, that sucked."

"Another happy landing." Chirps Letsplay Lenny.

The other's all turn to give him a look of exasperation. The one expectation being their hostage, the Stormtrooper Commander Ran Haraka, who laughs sharply.

"Didn't I tell you flying in exposed like that was suicide."

"Hey pal, I don't know why you think this is funny." Amethyst snaps. "If we mess this up then you're getting killed with the rest of us.

The Stormtrooper stops laughing abruptly and gives her a hard look. "You want to stay alive? Try listening to my advice. And as for you…"

He twists his head around to glare at Beatrice who's standing behind him with a blaster in hand.

"Can you stop jabbing me with the end of that thing?"

"Oh I could. But I'm not gonna. It's kind of fun being able to bully someone that deserves it for once."

Haraka rolls his eyes.

The group creeps closer to the monastery. Surveying it from behind a boulder.

"That's Jabba's Palace huh?" Amethyst asks. "We really gonna take this thing?"

"Anything for Peachy." Markus says determinedly.

"We should be fine." Bentley says, somewhat uncertainly. "We managed to storm Robotnik's base once upon a time didn't we?"

"Thing's were different back then. We had way more people…" Beatrice protests. "…and a working way out."

"Ah, ah, ah. Not too worry Beatrice, we've still got half a ship handy." Lenny insists.

A loud bang, makes them look over their shoulders in time to see their freighter reduced to shrapnel by and earth-shaking explosion.

"Ah…" Lenny says softly. "Never mind then."

…

Being forced to stay somewhere unwillingly really does make all the difference. The stray thought bounces around Peach's mind for the dozenth time.

She and her unlikely ally Sideshow Bob have been reconfined to the dungeon where they were acquainted, this time without her hammerspace, which had been taken by the guards. Another guard stands just outside the repaired door, keeping an eye on the Princess as she paces.

Peach had been on her feet marching fretfully since they had heard the first screams. Another one reverbs through the dank dungeons. An inconsolable shriek of agony from the torture chamber, where Indy is being integrated.

As it echo's down the hall Peach stops and looks up, wringing her hands nervously.

"You don't think…" She begins to ask Bob only to trail off.

"That they'll kill him?" He says, finishing her question for her. "No. Not while they can still get information out of him. It'd be terribly unprofessional. I'm sure they'll just make him wish he were dead."

Peach let's out a tiny whimper then goes back to pacing.

"This is my fault." She breathes. "I should never have allowed someone else to be kidnapped with me."

They hear a set of footsteps down the hall. Suddenly the door slides open and Indy's kicked into the cell. Landing on the floor with a crash before the door slams behind him.

"Indiana!" Peach squeaks.

She helps him to her feet. His skin is pale and clammy. There's an unfocused wounded look in his eye's as he draws in shallow gasps of air.

"Oh my stars Doctor Jones! Are you alright!?" Peach asks.

"I think I might live." Indy rasps.

"What did you tell them?" Bob asks. Indy shutters.

"What does it matter? They didn't believe anything I told them."

Bob sighs. "Yes well… unfortunately that's understandable under the given circumstances."

"Doctor Jones I'm so sorry! This is my fault!" Peach apologises, guiding Indy to his feet. "I'll make everything right again I promise, I'll talk to Jabba and…"

Indy turns to stare at her, eye's bulging with wild look of disbelief.

"Now Doctor I understand you might not agree with that, but I'm sure if I present myself truthfully perhaps-"

"Perhaps what?" Indy asks, his breath hastening again. "Jabba will respect your royal authority?"

"I don't see why he wouldn't?"

"Gee I don't know maybe because YOU PULLED A KNIFE ON HIM!"

Peach flinches like she's been scalded and withdraws wounded before rallying.

"You saw what he was going to do to me!"

"You were fine your worship! We weren't going to let him hurt you! It was part of the plan!"

"I didn't agree to be his bride! You saw how barbaric he was to me! How you could expect me to dignify that sort of behavior!?"

"But you still think he'll listen to you?"

"I have to try."

Indy cackles scornfully at her.

"DON'T LAUGH AT ME!" Peach shouts.

"My god, will you both SHUT UP!" Bob yells.

The two go silent. Bob's messages his temple, scowling disapprovingly at both of them.

"Princess leave Jones alone, he's been through enough for the moment. Doctor Jones, the Princess is right, it wasn't fair of us to sell her off to a space gangster without her consent. We owe her an apology."

"We owe her?" Indy gapes. "She the one that still wants-"

"I know." Bob says shortly. "But, this is hardly the time for discussions. What you desperately need is rest."

"I'm fine." Indy insists.

"Doctor I've spent enough time fraternizing my fellow convicts at the Springfield Penitentiary to know that after a rousing day of prison torture, the best thing one can hope to do for their broken body is give it time to recuperate." Bob assures him. "Besides, you'll need your strength back. Who knows what tomorrow will bring for us? Provided we even live to see it."

Indy gives him a bitter look, then after a brief pause, he half limps, half drags himself into the opposite corner of the room, and pulls his hat over his hats.

Peach sighs in relief.

"Thank you, Bob." She says quietly.

"It's nothing." He assures her glancing between her and Jones. "You know I must say I'm surprised how much you're willing to look after him."

"What do you mean?" She asks.

"This competition you're both a part of…" Bob elaborates, Peach had given him some of the basics of their show earlier.

"…Now if I was forced to participate in something of the sorts, the last thing I'd be concerned with is aiding other competitors. If one of them ended up thrown in prison along the way I'd be quite happy to leave them there."

"Oh I could never to that." Peach says aghast. "Doctor Jones and I are friends."

"Is he your ally?"

"No… But he's normally a good man. And we're all counting on each other to make it through the game."

"…While eliminating people simultaneously?"

"Yes."

Bob looks confused. "That must get difficult. Is the money a least worth it?

"The prise is Ten Million Dollars if that's what you're wondering." Peach informs him

Bob blinks twice in surprise.

"Well…" He says finally. "They are…certainly making you work for it aren't they?"

Peach nods mutedly. She curls up against the wall and hugs her knees. She gives Indy a look then turns back to Bob.

"Bob? Could I trust you with a secret?"

"Certainly."

Peach looks at the floor.

"I don't want to get rid of anyone else. We need them and they've worked so hard to be here, it's awful leaving them behind like this."

"I'm sure whoever's running the game is taking care of them." Bob assures her. "I've worked in show business you know. There's a sense of professionalism to it…at least where avoiding lawsuits are involved."

Peach continues to avoid his gaze.

"We lost someone forever some time ago. He lost his life and the game continued like nothing had happened. I'm scared we're going to lose someone like that."

Bob looks grave.

"Princess, look at me."

He lifts her chin to meet his gaze then smiles at her.

"None of your friends are going to die. Alright? Have faith Princess, and I promise you on my word that everything is going to be okay."

Peach manages a smile. "Okay."

Bob pats her check. "Good, now should try and sleep as well. I'll keep guard."

She nods and wraps herself in her red cloak.

"I'm very happy you're here with us Bob."

She closes her eyes. Bob smiles.

"I assure you Princess, the feeling's more than mutual."

…

To the direct north of the palace theirs a canyon where its occupants dump their trash. A towering pile of old clothes and scrap metal looms in the centre of it, constantly being picked over by the tiny creatures in the brown cloaks (Jawa's as Haraka calls them).

"There! It's about time I got a replacement." Bentley says contently.

To his great delight the turtle's managed to pull out an old chair from the pile that seems to be able to hover on its own (Repulsorlift technology Haraka called it. The man's proving himself to be a very useful glossary of local terms.)

In addition to the new chair, they've found Bentley a brown tunic, ammo belt, and a dusty pilot's helmet to fit over his's pith helmet. All together he looks like he could be one of the alien scavengers lurking the streets of Mos Eisley.

Their captured Stormtrooper gives Bentley a contemplative look. He's removed his white plate armour and stripped down to his black body sock then wrapped himself in a dark cloak and tunic. As Lenny had pointed out, it would be hard for their group to seem inconspicuous in the Palace while one of them was instantly recognizable as one of the Empire's foot soldiers.

"Yo you're the expert." Markus says, the rapper also wrapped tightly in a worn travelling cloak. "Can he pass for one of your Star Wars aliens ya'll got around here?"

Haraka scowls at the strange term, still not certain why his captors were occasionally referring to things as from 'Star Wars'.

"He'll survived a passing glance, but I doubt he'd last under interrogation."

"That's aight, we're not looking to bullshit in there, we just need to not draw attention."

"Might I ask what your plan is to get inside without drawing attention?" Haraka asks tersely.

"They seemed to have figured it out." Lenny notes, pointing to the Jawa's scurrying in and out of tunnels leading off in the direction of the palace.

"I'm sure, they have." Haraka says his tone more thick with impatience than ever. "However, we can't fit in a Jawa sized hole."

Amethyst groans, then others turn to look at her surprised.

"What?" Beatrice asks.

"I've got an idea." Amethyst says irritably. "But I don't like it."

…

The Jawa's entrance does in fact lead into the palace. Notably behind a pile of crates in a corner, away from prying eyes.

Checking to see if anyone's watching them, a pair of the little creatures' glance about then scamper into the shadows of the room, a tiny blue lizard waddles after them. When it's put some distance between itself and the Jawas it stops dead and transforms back into Amethyst.

"Alright…" She says frowning down at her gemstone. "Coast is clear. Get out."

Five beams of light shoot out of her stomach and the others rematerialize, looking somewhat frazzled.

"Why was their so much garbage in your gem!?" Beatrice says angrily.

Amethyst gives her a dirty look. "I told you not to mess with my stuff in there."

Behind them Haraka falls to his hands and knees, seemingly recovering from mild panic attack.

"What's wrong commander?" Lenny asks. "Was being transported in pocket dimension not covered in your academy training?"

The Stormtrooper glowers at them suspiciously.

"Remind me again where the hell you people are from?"

"We're from out of Galaxy." Lenny says pleasantly.

"Impossible. No one's from outside the galaxy."

"We are fool." Amethyst tells him. "In fact we're from a whole other universe."

"Yeah, like a couple of them." Markus says.

Haraka's eye's narrow.

"You think this is the time for jokes?" He asks dangerously.

"Alright, stop asking questions. That's our job." Beatrice insists driving her blaster into the small of his back. The commander winces and gives her a dirty look.

They discretely survey their surroundings. The passage has led them into a large hanger carved into the cliff. Around them bustles the business goings of Jabba's criminal empire. All along the walls are barrels and piles of crates filled with spice and all sorts of other contraband goods. Workshops busy with the sounds of machine repairs and mewling banthas used by local traders. Everywhere droids roll by beeping loudly and stony-faced guards march, inspecting everything suspiciously.

"Fuck, that's a lot of guards." Markus breathes. "Lenny, it's been a minute. Was this place ever in any of the films?"

"Not that I recall. Perhaps it's from the Clone Wars series."

"Yo I remember that shit!" Markus beams. "I remember it was on Cartoon Network same time as the OG Total Drama."

"Right, yes, between the last of the 'Cartoon' Cartoons and the channel's renaissance. Some people say that was a dark age for them."

"Nah ***** it was tight. What came before and after was fire but late 2000's Cartoon Network was some good shit."

"Hey can we get back on topic?" Beatrice asks.

"Yeah dudes, like literally nothing about what we're doing is relevant to Cartoon Network or whatever you're talking about." Amethyst assures them bluntly

Markus turns and grins at the two girls. "Yo I beg to differ."

"Focus!" Beatrice snaps. "Let's just get this over with alright? I don't want to think about what'll happen if we get caught."

The stormtrooper rolls his eyes.

"Follow my lead." He says abruptly.

He suddenly gets up from behind the crates their hiding by and marches confidently into view of the rest of the hanger. Beatrice looks mortified, but Amethyst and Bentley merely shrug and follow after him. When they're not immediately seized by the guards, the others follow as well.

"Jabba's one of the most successful criminals in the Outer Rim. His Palace is frequented by dozens of traders and bounty hunters every standard galactic day." Haraka informs them in a low voice. "Just look like you belong here and no one should question you."

"Not a bad trick." Bentley admits. "Where'd you learn that one?"

Haraka smirks back at them.

"Basic espionage was something covered at the Stormtrooper Academy."

They do as he says walking through the hanger causally, only a few traders and guards even look up long enough to acknowledge their existence.

Suddenly Bentley whistles. "Would you look at that."

Near the far end of the hanger is parked a large brown craft in the shape of a laundry iron. Two curved decorative red sails adore the deck on its roof.

"What is it?" Beatrice asks.

"I'll tell you what it is, our ticket out of here." Amethyst says eyeing the craft hungrily. Haraka scoffs.

"We are not stealing Jabba's personal sail barge."

"Wanna bet?" Amethyst smirks.

"Even if you did somehow secure it without getting yourselves killed it's a hovercraft, not a spaceship. It won't make it to orbit."

"What if we strap some extras engines to it?" Bentley asks.

"Are you out of your little green mind?" Haraka asks. "An unregulated rush job of a modification like that would explode before it was out of the solar system."

"Well who cares? It just needs to take us to orbit! At this point it'd settle for Wan Hu's rocket chair if we could fit us all on it."

He maneuvers around them in his chair, squinting at the sail barge then rubbing his chin.

"So… Can you actually build something like this?" Beatrice asks.

"Of course he can." Amethyst snaps.

"Of course I can." Bentley insists. "I'll be working with unfamiliar technology under less than secure conditions but I've done more with less." He nods. "I'll need both gems with me to do the heavy lifting. Markus, Beatrice, take the commander with you and find Jones and the Princess. If you can get back here in two hours without alerting any of the guards, there's a tiny minuscule chance we can actually get out of here smoothly."

"There's no way everything's gonna work out that well." Beatrice says flatly.

"We don't know that 'til it happens." Markus insists. "Come on, I was starting to think I'd never have to say this but let's go rescue Princess Peach!"

He and Haraka start off towards the nearest door. Beatrice turns back towards the others before she goes. Gesturing to Bentley and Amethyst.

"Lenny, make sure this two don't leave without us."

Amethyst gives her a dirty look.

"I told you, we're past that."

"Positive?"

"You think I would have led ya'll here if I wasn't"

Beatrice sighs.

"Alright… guess we're doing to this then."

She looks back to Markus and the Stormtrooper before locking eyes with Bentley. The turtle's expression opaque under his helmet.

"Got any parting advice."

Bentley nods.

"Stay alive."

…

It's a bit more difficult navigating the Palace proper than it is the hanger. Jabba's not the type to allow piety smugglers and local travellers to freely roam his inner sanctum Haraka warns. So the three of them have to be on their guards.

"You sure this is right way." Beatrice asks, standing guard with Markus as their local escort rewires a locked door. The Stormtrooper grunts.

"They were lead down this way after I had dropped them off." He says gruffly, eyes on the rusty circuit box he's working with. "Besides, there's rumours in every city on Tatooine that Jabba keeps he's prisoners in the deepest depths of his palace."

"They said anything else 'bout his dungeons on the streets?" Markus asks.

"A few things." Haraka says indifferently. "Though I'm sure most of them I haven't heard. You'll only find so many locals here willing to share rumours with imperial soldiers."

"So how'd you get here anyway dawg?" Markus asks suddenly. Haraka doesn't turn around to acknowledge him, but Markus hears his nostrils flare.

"I don't understand the question." He says unhelpfully.

"I mean like… I've always wondered about that shit when you see like faceless soldiers serving bad guys. What makes a ***** sign up for shit like that?"

That one prompts a smirk from the Stormtrooper. "You Rebels think were the bad guys?"

"I mean… yeah, your kind of fucking famous for that my ******" Markus says. Haraka nods.

"I was born on Edusa, it's a grim industrial place on the other side of the galaxy. When I was six the Clone Wars broke out and Edusa because a Separatist world."

He continues fiddling with the wires emotionally detached from his words.

"Separatist battle droids killed my parents during a food riot. Spent my teen years as a street urchin after that. Learned to survive, learned what things were like without order."

He scowls.

"The Galactic Republic promised us outer systems peace and security through the Jedi, they betrayed that promised so the chancellor culled them and reorganized the Republic into the Empire. Now we fulfill every promise they once broke. Order and stability are maintained, shipments arrive on time, children sleep soundly in their bed with full stomachs. I was proud to serve that system. It was nice to make a difference in the world, do something good. Then your little terrorist friends blew up the Death Star and my garrison took the blame. We're pariahs now. No chance of climbing the ranks or working our way out of it, so I don't care anymore. I was gonna take Solo's bounty money and dessert with my men, live out the rest of my days surfing between brothels and casinos… But your little hyperspace anomaly put an end to that so I'm here instead. Forced at gunpoint to go along with a suicide mission dreamed up by the biggest idiots in the galaxy."

The other two glance at one another in silence.

"…Sorry you had a rough life." Beatrice says uncertainly. Haraka sniffs indignantly.

"You people aren't making it better."

"I mean you didn't strike me as the sympathetic type." Beatrice says, she gives Markus a look.

"I thought you said the bad guys around here were a bunch of evil idiots like the one's in Hogwarts."

"****** they suppose to be." Markus insists. "You should see this fucker's emperor. That motherfucker legit like an evil space wizard with dark powers. That shit's crazy."

"Rebel propaganda." Haraka insists.

"No it fucking ain't. I've seen it." Markus says

"Really? You've met Emperor Palpatine in person?" Haraka asks skeptically.

"Not in person, but that'd be tight. Nah I've seen him in films and ****."

"Films. Right…"

The door opens and Haraka smirks at them.

"You're getting stories mixed up with reality. Here in the real world things are a little more complicated."

An ear splitting noise suddenly comes shrieking from the door. The three cover their ears.

"Complicated like forgetting de-arm the fucking door 'cause you were busy giving us your sob story?" Markus demands.

Haraka clenches his teeth furiously.

"Yes. Sort of like that."

Beneath the din they hear the squeal of guards thundering towards them. Haraka shoves the two contestants towards the door.

"The Dungeon should be right down those stairs. I'll stay here and hold off the guards."

Beatrice looks at him like he's mad.

"Yeah, no. We're not letting you out of our-"

"Stop arguing and go! GO!" The stormtrooper yells.

The two spirit down the stairs. Not a moment later, the guards poor in, followed by Fortuna. He lays eyes on Haraka and gasps.

"You!"

"That's right I'm back." Haraka states fearlessly. A smirk coiling on his lips. "I've got another offer…"

…

Markus and Beatrice fly down the dark stairway, away from the sounds of distressed staff. At the base they dart through an arched doorway and crouch behind it noiselessly as guards stream by. When the noise of their squeals have faded Beatrice suddenly stomps her feet angrily. Markus shushes her.

"The fuck you doing?" He whispers hoarsely.

"I can't believe we let him get away like that." Beatrice fumes.

A loud growl behind them quickly silences her. They spin around, discovering that they'd been pressed against the dirty iron door of a prison cell. The whole corridors lined with them.

"Yo this is it." Markus breathes excitedly.

"Oh hey look at that, it is." Beatrice says surprised. "At least our little solider friend was telling the truth I guess."

What light comes from the filthy blubs hanging above them illuminates two rows of cells. The unpleasant moans and growls of aliens and condemned men echo faintly from most of them.

Markus looks around cautiously before stopping in front of a silent door.

"This has got to be them." He breathes. He knocks gently on the door and whispers. "Peachy?"

A window slot slides above and the Markus suddenly finds himself staring down Sideshow Bob.

He lunges back violently, collapsing on to Beatrice. She shoves her hand over his mouth before he can scream. Bob shushes them furiously.

"Quiet you idiots. You'll wake him up."

He points a long yellow finger out of the cell at the guard leaning against the wall, snoring loudly. Markus quickly glances over at him before turning back to Bob, his eye's bulging with all the emotion his lips can't convey.

"****** what the fuck are you doing here!?" He hisses furiously.

"I survived the train derailment." Bob says plainly.

"Yeah. We got that part." Beatrice tells him. Bob sniff indignantly.

"I wasn't finished… I survived, only to find myself stranded in this hellish science fiction world. Where despite the best of my survival strengths I was soon captured and placed in the cell..."

"Well guess you shouldn't have attacked us back in Springfield now? Shouldn't've you?"

"No… I was a fool, I realise now that to be true." Bob says. His red mop of hair droops as he hangs his head in shame. "I've seen the error of my ways, thanks to Peach."

Markus's face floods first with horror. "Yo! You saw Peachy!? Where is she? What you do with her?"

"Easy now!" Bob urges. "Both Indiana and your Princess are fine, just resting."

Markus gets to his feet and peers through the door slot desperately. Behind Bob he can see Peach. She's curled up on the floor sleeping, her head resting on her hands and knees curled up. She looks far too comfortable for such a terrible place. Though it occurs to him a moment later that she'd be used to sleeping in dungeons like this.

"Yo Peachy." He whispers.

"Let her sleep." Bob says. "She and Doctor Jones have had an emotionally trying day."

"That's aight I'm about to get them out of it." Markus says determinedly opening his hammerspace. "Now back the fuck up, we're busting them out."

"Not yet."

"The fuck do you mean 'not yet'?" Markus asks incredulously.

Bob sighs then points to the silver bracelet on Markus's wrist.

"Those Devices you people have, the one's you store everything in. What are they called?"

"Hammerspace." Beatrice says. Bob permits himself a chuckle.

"Hm, Clever. Anyway's we had something of an unsuccessful scouting mission earlier and the guards took Peach and Jones's. I'd imagine you're going to want them back."

"We'll live without 'em." Markus insists.

"No we won't." Beatrice counters. "Indy's the only one who was smart enough to bring literally any kind of basic supplies. The only reason we survived out in the desert was because of him."

Markus sighs.

"Aight. We'll grab Peachy and Indy's shit."

"…And my machete if you find it."

Markus gives Bob a furious look.

"****** How stupid do you think I am!?"

"I told you I'm reformed." Bob says impatiently.

"You tried to kill us!" Markus and Beatrice shout in unison.

The Guard nearby stirs for one heart stopping second, then rolls over and falls back to sleep.

"Please…" Bob whispers desperately. "If we're to have any chance of escaping this place we have to trust one another."

"****** I trusting you for shit! I know what you're like on The Simpsons."

"I know what I've done, I don't deny my hatred for Bart. But I implore you, do not judge me solely by what you've seen through your television screen. I may be nothing but painted animation cells in your world but here before you now I am real, flesh and blood and heart pumping it through my veins. I have my fair share of sins, true, but they have their nuances. I can change, surely you understand the folly of judging people before you know them...Don't you."

Markus growls in displeasure, he locks eyes with Beatrice and growls louder.

"Fuck! Alright! Okay! I'll trust you."

Bob looks relieved. "Thank-"

"But ****** let me tell you something." Markus warns. "I aint one of those Gangster rappers that's been on the streets and seen all kinds of shit before they stepped foot in recording booth. But you so much as a finger on me, Beatrice, Peachy on any of us, I wrap my fucking hand's around that yellow pencil neck until you stop breathing. We good?"

Bob swallows hard and traces a thumb and forefinger down his windpipe.

"Understood." He says obediently.

…

They say their farewells and the two creep back into the halls. Markus's still fuming.

"Can't believed we working with god damn Sideshow Bob."

"I not happy about either." Beatrice says. "He just feels like he's bad news. Know what I mean? When you the get the feeling someone's gonna trouble just by seeing them?"

"You really think we can trust that *****?"

"I don't think we have a choice."

Markus takes a deep, frustrated breath.

"****** I hate when people are right about shit like that."

"Then I've got more news you're not gonna like." Beatrice says.

Markus looks understandable unenthusiastic. "What?"

"Do you know where Jabba would keep his stolen loot?"

"No. Wasn't covered in Return of the Jedi."

"Then I we have to split up."

Markus groans in displeasure. "Man that shit never goes well."

"I know. I hate it too. But we've got ground to cover."

"Aight. Meet me in front of their cell in like an hour."

"Like 'an hour' or an hour?"

"An hour. You hit up the top floors, I'll stay down here."

"Gotcha."

"And stay out of trouble. I got enough things to worry about."

Beatrice rolls her eyes. "Hey I'm a Fact Hunter remember? Something happens to me you and Peach are one step closer to the prize."

Markus puts a hand of her shoulder and gives her a boyish grin.

"Bea, This is the final seven. We all in this shit together now homie."

Beatrice smiles back.

"Stay safe Markus."

The split off. Markus darts down the corridor and out of sight. Beatrice lingers for a moment until he's gone, then dashes up the stairs.

…

Back in the Hanger, Bentley's busy working beneath the sail barge. Making mortifications to the airframe so that it supports the extra weight.

"Yo Bentley!"

He wipes his brow and pulls himself out to see Lenny and Amethyst waiting for him, each carrying two massive rocket engines above their heads. He sighs.

"Ideally It would have been preferable to have two matching engines." Bentley says looking at the two wildly different models the gems have brought back.

"In all fairness it turned out to be quite the hassle trying to find two that worked, let alone matching ones." Lenny admits. Bentley raises an eyebrow.

"But you're sure they work?"

"Left one kind of sputters but it'll hold out." Amethyst assures him. Bentley grimaces.

"It'd better. Now help me get into place."

"Hey!"

They turn around. They've attracted a crowd of curious onlookers.

"What are you doing to the Khetanna?" A human with a disfigured face asks.

"Just some simple modifications." Lenny insists. "Sanctioned by Jabba himself of course."

The man snorts humorously through a wide misshapen nose.

"Oh really? You call that simple?" He says pointing to the engines. "It may be none of my business to question Jabba the Hutt himself but that's strange thing to do with a sail barge."

"Well he wants it done so lay off pal!" Amethyst says with convincing indignation. The hustler scoffs.

"Easy their missy. No need for the unprovoked temper, a friend of mine lost an arm to a Jedi acting that way."

"Great! Then you should know not to mess with people." Amethyst replies. She pats Bentley on the back. "Now buzz off will ya? My friend's got an important job to do."

"Who is your friend exactly? Must be pretty an important mechanic if Jabba trusts him."

"He is."

"Really? What's his name?"

"He's uh… Lenny."

"You sir are in the presences of Chubo Kuay." Lenny proclaims. "Greatest mechanic in the Mamma Jamma system, isn't that right Chubo?"

Bentley clears his throat.

"Mungunky 'swahgako bo'qay." He croaks in a low voice. The crowd of locals stare at him blankly.

"The hell was that?" The man asks.

"Mamma Jammese." Lenny states pointedly.

The man stares at them for a solid ten second before he shakes his head.

"I got places to be." He says. "But I'm asking the palace guard about this later."

"Yeah! Go ahead! They'll probably shoot you for wasting their time." She calls to him as the crowd around them disperse. Soon as they're out of ear shot she turns to Bentley and Lenny.

"We gotta move fast."

…

Beatrice tiptoes through the upper halls of the palace. She hasn't run into trouble yet. Any sound of someone approaching has made her fling herself into a hiding space. The instinctual memory of being a small bird in a large forest serving her well.

"So if I was hiding something in here, where would I put it?"

She opens a door, coming face to face with a black robed figure. She leaps back in fright before realizing who it is.

"Oh it's just you." She says to Haraka as she catches her breath. "Where were you? I though for sure you were captured."

"I was…" Haraka says coyly. "Fortunately, I manage to work something out."

Beatrice immediately pulls out her blaster and eyes him suspiciously. "No kidding? What'd you get them agree to?"

Haraka smiles nastily. "Guards!"

Someone grabs Beatrice from behind.

…

The Throne room buzzes with a sort of sinister jubilation. The patrons sit with hookah pipe in one hand, Twi'lek girls in the other. All jabbering away excitedly in anticipation.

Jabba's sitting on his dais in the centre of all the festivities when his new Second in Command struts in.

"Haraka!" Booms Jabba. "Where is the gift you promised me?"

"Right here your Excellency." Haraka replies once Jabba's interpreter droid has translated the question. He shoves Beatrice in front of the Hutt. The poor girl's been stripped of her hammerspace and much of her clothes and dignity. Her hairs been done up and she's now wearing little else besides a metal bikini with a long brown loincloth.

"She's from the same group as the last one. Same world as well. Narnia I believe it is. I took the liberty of dressing and disarming her this time my lord. Hopefully that well make up for the last one."

Jabba gives Beatrice an appraisingly look. She tries to pull away but he grabs a golden chain attached to a collar around her neck and pulls her towards him. She wrinkles her noise in disgust.

"Hey! No! We're not doing this. I'm not playing love bug to some space slug! Let me go! Hey! HEY!"

"She's looks quite young Haraka wouldn't you say? Barely bigger than a grub?"

Haraka grins darkly. "All the more time to condition her."

Jabba laughs a booming laugh then pulls Beatrice into his lap.

"She is acceptable for now Haraka. But I expect much more from you if you are to be my majordomo. Such as learning to communicate in proper Huttese."

"Of course your Excellency."

Beatrice pulls herself off of the Hutt gagging. Haraka smirks at her. She glares dangers back at him.

"Traitor." She growls.

"Just repaying the favour sweetie." He whispers. "You rebels cost me my future, Now I'm taking yours."

The noise in the harem rises significantly, as a surge of excitement radiates through the crowd. Bib Fortuna has just been dragged into the room by two guards, looking forlorn. Jabbas guest jeer and toast him sarcastically as he passes.

"Bib Fortuna!" The interpreter droid says, addressing the prisoners. "Loyal servant to his Excellency for many years, you stand here today accused to plotting to assassinated the beloved Jabba Desilijic Tiure while he was resting in his quarters. And would have succeed in this terrible deed had it not been for the fortunate timing of Commander Ran Haraka."

"Lies! LIES!" Fortuna shouts.

Jabba takes his eyes off his new pet and turns to focus on his old second in command.

"Master please…" Fortuna whimpers.

"It seems I underestimated you Fortuna." Jabba croaks in a dangerously low voice. "I thought your weak mind was beneath treason."

"I was Your Excellency. It is! You known I would never… It was.."

He spots Haraka standing next to Jabba and he screeches with betrayal.

"YOU! YOU'RE THE TRAITOR YOU FLITHY RAT! HOW DARE-"

"SILENCE!" Booms Jabba.

Fortuna howls in agony and falls to his knees, a pathetic wreck of his former self.

"Master I beg you…" He wails. "I've been framed."

"LIES!" Jabba thunders. "I saw you standing over me with that poison dagger of yours."

"He promised me wealth…" Blubbers Fortuna. "He promised me power and woman and all I desired. I was stupid your Excellency to believe him. Weak minded. I will never doubt you again! I-"

He's cut off suddenly. The harem roars with delight as a trapdoor beneath him opens and he's sent tumbling down out sight. Several of them crowd around an elaborate grate the centre of the room. They can make out Fortuna as he tumbles into a deep pit beneath them. Jabba chuckles darkly.

"Even if you were telling the truth why would I ever desire such a weak-minded fool as a majordomo?"

Fortuna's in a state of hysteria now.

"MASTER! PLEASE! PLEASE! I'VE SERVED YOU WELL!"

"You did Fortuna, yes… such a shame it has to end this way. But at least I'll always have the present you gave me to remember you by."

A large iron door opposite of Fortuna slowly raises up, a something hideous lumbers through. Bib Fortuna screams are drowned out by it's roar. And by the cheer of the audience as they watch him be devoured. Haraka's lip curls upwards with grim satisfaction.

"…Trying to accuse me when I was the one that caught him in the act. The nerve." Haraka says. "I suppose you never know who to trust."

While the crowds enraptured by the gore Beatrice scans the immediate vicinity for a sharp object. Hoping to break the chain around her neck.

She can understand why Haraka didn't have any issues convincing Jabba's underling to try and murder him. A few minutes by his side and she's already beginning to feel the same way.

Without warning a hand grabs her wrist, she turns around to see a tall guard holding onto her.

"Hand's off creep." She says sternly.

"Yo keep you're voice down it's me." He whispers urgently.

He lifts up part of his helmet.

"Markus." She breathes. "Well there you are. Took you long enough to find me."

He smirks "Yeah, sorry. I was busy grabbing these."

He shows her his own wrist, four silver bracelets dangle from it. Beatrice grins.

"Good Job."

"Yo that's not all I grabbed a couple other things-"

"Great! Tell me later. Now quick, give me mine and help me get out of-"

An alarm begins to beep on the device next to them. Beatrice sighs.

"Oh what now?"

Jabba turns around, Markus quickly lowering his mask and backing away before he does. Jabba's eyes set themselves on the device and he growls unpleasantly.

"Haraka! Who is it now?"

"Seems to be one of you Bounty Hunters calling from Bespin." Haraka informs him after a pause for the droid to translate. Jabba snarls furiously then answers.

"You're interrupting something important Boba! This better be worth my time!"

"It is my lord." The hologram of Boba assures him with stoic confidence. "I have here a collection of photo and documents to confirm the identity of my captured prize.. The man I have in my cargo bay is in fact Han Solo. A genetic sample of the subject matches perfectly with the records on hand in the Imperial archives. I have not failed you Jabba."

A separate hologram displays the files. Jabba's eyes pass over them. His skepticism quickly turns to my alarm. An expression mirrored by Haraka standing behind him."

"And if I don't have Solo…" Jabba says slowly. "Who exactly do I have in my dungeon?"

"No idea sir." Boba says. "There's reports of a hyperspace anomaly around Tatooine. I'll be there to collect Solo's bounty soon as it's dispersed."

The Hologram shuts off. Jabba slowly turns round to stare at Haraka.

"Fetch the prisoners…" He says slowly.

…

Indy's seemed to regained some of his nerves by the time he's and he's cohorts are brought back before Jabba, though there's still a look in his eye like that of an animal that's had the trust beaten out it. Bob seems uneasy as well, glancing about awkwardly as if he was expecting someone who hadn't arrive. Even Haraka looks nervous as he leads them in. By sharp contrast to all of them, Princess Peach looks perfectly composed. At least until she lays eyes on Beatrice and gasps.

"Beatrice!"

"Hey Peachy how's it going?" Beatrice replies with a nonchalant tone of resignment.

"What did they do to you!?"

"Oh it's been fun you know. I was supposed to be part of a rescue mission. As you see it's going great."

"Silence slave!" Jabba booms. Pulling Beatrice back by her collar. Peach glares at him.

"Let her go!"

Jabba ignores her, turning his orange eyes on Indy instead.

"Well stranger. It appears you are not you say you are."

"Finally noticed, did you?" Indy asks bitterly.

"You will show some respect to the Hutt you imposter!" Haraka snarls. Indy looks up at him scornfully.

"Yeah? And how long have you been his stooge!?"

"Enough." Jabba growls at both of them. "I have put up with your lies and nonsense too long! Tell me who you are now or die!"

"You'd never believe us…" Indy warns.

"Enough excuses!" Haraka says. "Jabba demands the truth!"

Indy let's out a long painful sigh then glances over to Peach.

"It's not gonna work." He mutters.

"We have to try." She insists.

She walks forward and bows to Jabba.

"You're Excellency on behalf of myself and my friends I very humbly apologise for all the trouble we caused you. Please don't judge is too badly for what we've done. We simply aren't familiar with the ways of your galaxy."

Murmuring amongst the harem as Jabba looks at them with renewed interest.

"I've heard this trite before Your Excellency." Haraka says. "They claim to be travellers from another universe."

Jabba scoffs.

"Prove it."

"You know that hyperstorm-ma-whatever it is you people keep talking about? There's a reason it showed up the same time we did, it's our way home." Beatrice says.

"You found the exit!?" Indy says surprised.

"You guys missed a lot." She tells him.

Jabba rubs a fat hand over his chin contemplatively as his own cohorts consider the evidence. One of them, a short blue pachyderm-esque creature siting behind a circular keyboard mumbles something in its own tongue.

"Max Rebo has raised the point that nothing of this outlandish scenario explains why this stranger so resembles Han Solo." The interrupter droid says.

"Because I'm played by the same actor as Han Solo." Indy tells them.

"What?" Jabba says flatly.

"Somewhere out there in creation there's a world where that believes it created your world and mine as screenplays." Indy explains. "We're fictional characters to them."

"There people believe they control our lives." Peach explains. "They think we're just their playthings, simple and careless. They think Indy is terrible and Bob and Monster. Their whole world thinks I'm a silly little girl who sits and cries while waiting to be rescued. But they're wrong! About me, and my friends."

"And what praytell do these mysterious controllers say about the mighty Jabba Desilijic Tiure?" Jabba asks.

"As Lucas tells it you're a disgusting tyrant." Bob informs him. "A petty gangster in the shape of a revolting worm. All our societies most unpleasant descriptors placed into one creature so that he may be pities then killed cathartically."

"But you can be more than that!" Peach insists. "You all can! It's never too late to change! You can all prove that theirs more to you than the world thinks there is!"

The crowd chatters amongst itself. Some look skeptical, others more intrigued. The Collection of Slave Girl's and dancers are gazing up at Peach with admiration.

"Even I I humour you and belief all this, why would I want to change who I am?" Challenges Jabba. "I have everything I desire!"

"But what about your heart?" Peach asks. Jabba laughs mirthfully.

"I am satisfied in every part of my body. My slave girls make sure of that don't you ladies?"

The dozen Slave Girls nod frantically.

"That's not what I meant. True love is deeper than that." Peach insists. "It's not something you force someone into. It makes you feel happy just to see that person happy, smile, enjoying himself." She sighs wistfully. "Knowing they'd always be there for you."

Jabba chuckles softly. "Ah… earlier you wanted to kill me. Now it seems you're coming around aren't you my pet?"

Peach looks revolted.

"Oh goodness no. Never something like you."

Jabba growls.

"What I believe the Princess means its that she wasn't referring to romantic love but platonic." Bob says hastily.

"Yes. A life of being cruel and mean must be lonely." Peach says. "Wouldn't you be happier with friends?"

The whole harem laughs at this. Even the droids beep humorously. Though none laugh as spitefully as Haraka.

"Friendship. Is that what the rebels are pushing now?" He chortles.

"We're not rebels. These are my own beliefs." Peach says. Haraka sneers

"Then stop believing in fairy tales. It's survival of the fittest out there. You have to be willing to do what it takes to thrive."

"Oh dear, they do sound like Rourke." Peach whispers to Jones.

Indy grumbles.

"Look your Excellency, take it from someone with the same creator. You think this is survival, you're wrong. In our worlds behavior like these makes you one of the bad guys. And they die Jabba! They die slowly and painfully."

"But it's not too late to change." Peach begs. "End this petty bullying and save yourself. You can rule through love instead of fear, surround yourself who believe in you, and will support you, without being forced too."

Jabba scoffs.

"My people would kill me if I let my guard down." He looks to the harem. "Wouldn't you?"

He get's a chorus of overly sincere no's from the crowd. Jabba laughs scornfully.

"Lying snakes… You see what company this business draws? I have six hundred years' worth of scoundrels and smugglers that would love to take my place if I went soft. Do you think there's anyone I could really trust in this galaxy? Anyone that would trust me?"

"If you really wanted to change I would." Peach assures him. "And I'm sure some of your erm… Slave girls would be more than grateful to love you if you loved them back."

The girls (Beatrice included) all groan disinterestedly.

"Oh come now ladies." Bob says silky. "I know he's the giant alien slug but surely underneath all those repulsive outer layers there could beat the heart of a romantic.

Just imagine, being the bride of the richest creature in the galaxy, him caring for you as much you him, a dashing figure that would listen to your problems, go for long walks along the sands with you…"

Jabba looks at him like he's gone mad but the ladies are intrigued, thought they seem much more enraptured by Bob. He gives them a wink they draws himself to full height.

"Oh, Sisters, deaf to pity's name for shame!

It's true he's gone astray but pray

Is that a reason why you

Should all

be deaf to pi-ty's name?"

The girls applaud madly. Jabba however still seems less than convinced.

"It is clear my ladies love someone in this room." He says dryly. "But would any creature dare to take pity on me? Even platonic?"

"I'd have you as a friend Jabba." Peach says.

The slug turns her eyes on her expectantly. Peach grins feebly.

Bob nudges her shoulder and hands her a piece of paper he's take out of his shirt pocket. Peach clears her throat.

"Three little maids from school are we,
Pert as a school-girl well can be-"

"No! No. Sorry that's Mikado." Bob says hastily. Snatching the paper back and rummaging around his pockets until he pulls out a another one.

"Ah there we are."

He hands the new paper to Peach, she reads it smiles. Then gives Jabba a sincere look.

"Poor wandering one
Though thou hast surely strayed
Take heart of grace, thy steps retrace
Poor wandering one

Poor wandering one
If such poor love as mine
Can help thee find true peace of mind
Why, take it, it is thine"

"Take heart, no danger lowers" Bob booms in his baritone.

"Take any heart but ours"

"Take heart, fair days will shine" Peach answers in her soprano

Take any heart, take mine"

Haraka locks eyes with Indy and gives him a look of utter bewilderment. Indy merely shrugs, as his fellow prisoners begin to duet.

"Poor wandering one!

Tra la la la la la la

Poor wandering one!

Tra la la la la la la

Take heart, take heart

Take heart, fair days will shine
Take any heart, take mine"

Respectful applause breaks out amongst the crowd. One or two patrons cheering wildly, clearing moved by the performance.

"Very amusing." Jabba chortles. "Very, very endearing."

Peach smiles up at him. "Have we convinced you?"

The reply comes in the way of the floor falling out from under her, and She, Bob and Indy suddenly tumble out of sight.

"NO!" Yelps Beatrice.

The patrons howl ecstatically and gather around the grid to gap as the three prisoners roll into the pit beneath. Peach springs to her feet and looks around wildly.

"What happened!?"

Above her she can hear Jabba cackling triumphantly. She glares up him.

"What are you doing!? we were bonding!"

Jabba simply laughs harder. Peach grits her teeth.

"You horrible, wretched, awful-"

"You're not exactly helping our standings their sweetheart." Indy says gingerly.

Jabba announced something to both them and their onlookers, they can't make out wiry feminine voice of his interrupter droid over the roaring of the crowd.

"WHAT DID SAY!?" Indy bellows over the noise.

Ran Haraka kneels down next to the grate, brimming with malicious glee.

"The illustrious Jabba has decided you to be nothing more than a harmless band of traveling fools detached from reality. For wasting his time he sentences you to death by the hands of his beloved rancor!"

"WHAT!?" Peach shrieks, mortify. Indy glares up at the jeering stormtrooper.

"What about the bastard that sold us nobodies to him? What does he get!?"

"I've proven my worth." Haraka boasts. "Maybe you should have done the same, instead of trying to con him or singing tacky showtunes!"

"TACKY!" Bob bellows. "YOU DARE INSULT THE HIGH ART OF W. S. GILLBERT AND ARTHUR SULLIVAN!"

He goes on hurling insults at Haraka, as do Peach and Indy. A hideous roar comes booming out of the door opposite of them and they go silent. The Commander laughs pulling away from the grate.

"Give Jabba a good show you three! Now, someone start the band! Let's hear some real music!"

Jabba shouts at Max Rebo, and the band starts up an exotic jazzy tune. A decidedly inhuman singer with protruding lips steps towards, three backup singers in tow. They start belting out a tune in Huttese.

Ab queck zenick fesi

"Well princess, it's been nice knowing you." Indy says resignedly.

Zong jup col im in na hiz jal, ooh

Peach's mind is still reeling from everything around her, when something strikes her on the head. She winces, then her eye's stray down to see what it is and she gasps.

"Indy!"

Indy's eye's flash with surprise. Then without hesitation he snatches it one of the silver bracelets off the ground. Peach grabs the other.

"You're hammerspaces!" Bob says in awe. "But how?"

Peach looks up and gasps louder. She almost cries out before Indy covers her mouth. Indy mutely gives a thumbs up, from above the grate Markus returns the gesture then lowers his helmet.

Wow!
Wa toc peg qui dos gee pif, aah
Joc jarraz bas deg zorze zot

Indy scrolls through his hammerspace, browsing for weapons.

"Listen." He says in a low voice. "We tried things the Criminal way, we tried thinks the Royal way, but now we're gonna do things the my way."

"How does that go?" Peach asks.

Indy grins weakly.

"Go with your gut, run for the exit, kill anyone that stands in your way, and make the rest up as you go. Think you can handle that honey?"

Peach wordless pulls out the giant mallet she had won from Harley Quinn all those months ago at the start of the merge. Indy nods.

Jer wih tuster mo vey

He pulls out a machete from his hammerspace, and regards it confused. Bob chuckles feebly.

"…Long story."

Qui neb be og ezen on

To his surprise Indy throws him the blade.

Wok lapti nek seb not van

"Earn it." He tells him, before withdrawing a bullwhip for himself.

Goc jarraz bas deg zorze zot

In the pit a great iron door slowly begins to open. From it emerges a flat faced, bipetal creature, five metres tall with long arms and fingers of a gibbon, hide like a rhino, and teeth of a crocodile.

It let's out a low roar, shaking the entire pit.

"Oh my…" Peach says faintly.

Lapti nek, rat a ran wim joct co jappi qaff
Lapti nek, kiv ba ha top wep jex pi va bep
Lapti nek, rat a ran wim joct co jeppi quaff

The three brace themselves.

Wow!

Ab queck zenick fesi

The creature lumbers towards them and they scatter like rats.

Jem wih tuster mo vey

Bob rolls nimbly through the beast's legs. Hacking at it with his blade. It shrieks. As does the crowd.

Qui neb be og ezen on

"How they get their weapons back!?" Jabba thunders.

Wok lapti nek seb not van

Haraka jerks his head away from the fight. Scanning for someone. He locks eyes with a guard on the others side of the room and screams.

"Markus!"

Jabba looks to where his second in command is pointing. Markus lift's up his helmet and gives him a signature grin.

Wah toc peg qui doz gee pif ezact

"Yo Jabba! Endless gang send's it's regards ******!"

Goc jarraz bas deg zorze zot

He presses a button n a detonator. The dais beneath Jabba explodes, knocking the Gangster, Beatrice, Haraka and the girls to the ground. The room erupts into chaos. The band gasps in horror.

"Ay yo, keep going I was digging that shit." Markus tells them.

The band shrugs.

Lapti nek, rat a ran wim joct co jappi qoff

Beneath them the Rancor charges at Bob. Indy draws his whip and lashes the creature's back. It howls and spins around, giving Peach an opening to bash it on the back of the knee.

Lapti nek, kiv ba ha top wep jex pi va bep

"Don't let it focus on one of us!" She calls. "Keep it distracted!

Lapti nek, rat a ran wim joct co jappi qaff
Wow!

The Max Rebo band takes over from it's singers, blowing into their exotic instruments. Not that many people in the room is paying attention anymore.

Markus pushes his ways through the surging mob and helps Beatrice to her feet. She gives him a irritable look.

"Next time warn me before you do that."

He grins guiltily. "My bad."

Haraka pulls himself to his feet, eye's inflamed with rage.

"KILL THEM!"

The lowlifes all begin converge on them.

"So is there another part to your plan?" Beatrice asks.

"Sort of."

He pulls a laser rifle out of his hammer space and fires into the crowd.

"Come on!" Markus yells, pulling her away.

Peach, Indy and Bob circle the Rancor like Lion tamers, their weapons making the beast recoil, but doing it little damage.

Indy's eye's scan the place desperately. Looking for anything. Behind the large open door the beast came from theirs another man sized door. He squints

"Cover me!" He shouts. The others nod and he spirits across the room (almost slipping in a pile of viscera that used to be Bib Fortuna.) and throwing himself at the door. It slides open but theirs a pair of iron bars and two grinning locals on the other side.

"LET US OUT!"

The locals sneer and taunt him in Huttese. Indy snarl and punches one through the bars.

"Any luck?" Bob asks as Indy steps back into the fight.

"We're barred in."

"Is that all?" Peach asks.

Indy points to the bars. "Princess you think you get us through that?"

Peach bites her lips. "Perhaps. But I'm not used to working with a monster in the room."

"Honey this isn't about to disappear any time soon."

"Try jumping on it's back. That usually works back home."

"That's not a bad idea." Bob says suddenly. Indy gives him a wild look.

"What are you insane!?"

"Trust me Jones." Bob insists. "I've got something."

Markus and Beatrice cower in one of the booths off to the side of the room. Most of the patrons have scattered. The few that remain seasoned Bounty Hunters more than happy to return fire on them.

"Those guys down there aren't gonna last forever." Beatrice says, cautiously a glance past the column their hiding beneath.

"I know!" Snaps Markus. "But we got to deal with these motherfuckers first."

Beatrice frowns contemplatively. "How's about we do both at the same time?"

Markus raises an eyebrow. "You got a plan?"

"Maybe. How many of those bombs do you have?"

"I got like three cherry bombs or some shit."

Beatrice smiles. "That'll work."

"Ready Peach!?" Bob shouts

"Ready!" She says nervously.

"Ready Jones!?"

"Bob if you're wrong about this I'm gonna be a real bastard to you in Hell!" The Archeologist insists. Bob takes a deep breathe to steady his nerves.

"NOW!"

Peach leaps forward and dives between the creatures legs, making a beeline for the door. As the beast makes to lumber after her Indy steps in the way.

"Focus on me you ugly son of a bitch!"

He lashes it with the bullwhip. It howls in fury as he drives to towards the opposite wall. There on a ledge Bob's waiting. Soon as it's close enough he leaps onto it's back and clings desperately to the spines there. But they're not giving him enough grip.

Back on top Beatrice ducks out from her hiding place. Tossing a small bomb out to their attackers. It rolls onto the grate. Another follows.

"Now?" Markus asks.

"One more." Beatrice begs.

The top of the column they're crouched behind explodes into a cloud of dust and rubble.

"We ain't got time for one more!" Markus yelps hoarsely

"It's not gonna work if we don't have enough!"

The rancor howls with anger. Indy's whip no longer able to placate it.

"Anytime Bob!"

"Some things can't be rushed Indiana!" Bob grunts trying to hold on.

"THIS IS NOT ONE OF THOSE THINGS!" Indy yelps in a panic.

The rancor reaches forward and seizes him.

"BOB!"

From the floor next to his broken dais, Jabba shakily hauls himself upright shakily and jabs a fat arm at the broken column just as Beatrice tosses her third bomb.

"There! SHOOT THEM!"

The Rancor leans down to shove Indy into its gapping mouth, finally giving Bob his chance. He pulls himself onto its skull and thrust down his machete through the creature's eye.

A second later Beatrice's bombs, each rolled carefully onto the grid above the pit, explodes.

The great hutt himself is knocked over once more as the grate splinters into a hundred pieces of metal shrapnel. His bounty hunter's that were all standing in the centre of the room are hurled into the air. The unlucky devils closest to the devices are torn limb from limb. The ones further away hit the ground hard and stop moving. Only about two staggers to their feet afterward. Markus let's a war cry and surges forward. Driving himself into them. They fall backwards into gaping hole into the rancor pit that's just been created in the centre of the room.

As for the creature itself the explosion send's a torrent of dust and debris onto the already suddenly blinded rancor. It drops Indy and stumble backwards in hideous pain as the walls of it's lair crumble around it.

"Yo! Ya'll ****** aight down there!?" Markus calls down.

Indy and Bob both staggers back on to their feet. Theirs's a sharp click to from Peach's direction.

"Got it!" She cries.

Indy and Bob exchange a look then chuckle weakly.

"We're alright Markus!" Indy calls. Markus's face lights up.

"Fire! Aight ******! Ya'll hang tight, we'll be right down."

The rancor let's out a shriek, still flaying about wildly.

"Markus how's about we meet you up there instead?"

"uh.. yeah! That's probably a better idea. We'll see you at the main entrance!"

And with that the contestants scatter, the gates to freedom swung wide.

As they go their captor still sprawled on the floor of his ruined throne room opens his eyes and reaches out weakly.

"Don't go… Don't leave me."

The great slug lays their trying to pull himself, his breathing strained and shallow, his orange eyes desperate for a way out of this pain.

He turns his head and finds his ray of hope. His slave girls are all standing there. The only people left in the room still alive.

"Ladies…" He chokes. "I order you, help me."

The women stay put. They stare down at him hesitantly. He sets his eyes on the green skinned Twi'lek woman in the front and scowls.

"Oola. Obey your master. You know the consequences if you fail me."

She looks frighten for a moment then to Jabba's astonishment she snarls at him at turns to the others. Shouting something in her native Twi'leki. The other girls' expressions harden as well. Then without warning they charge him, pushing him backwards. Jabba's eyes widen in horror.

"Ladies! No! I am your master!"

"We have no master." Oola growls.

They charge into him again. Jabba writhes desperately to get up.

"You fools! You're nothing without me! No! NOOO!"

All two dozen girls heave one last push, and the Jabba let's out a great bellow of terror and he tumbles into the rancor pit.

His poor pet, blinded by dust and blade never realises what it does next. All it remembers afterwards is a more generously meal than it's ever been given as it cuts into the soft flesh.

And devours its master.

…

News of Jabba's death spreads long before the great hutt's heart is torn from his chest. The moment Markus's first bomb explodes and the harem's sent into chaos patrons come flailing out into the halls, shrieking of his presumed demise. From there the rumour spreads, taking hold of every room and person in the palace. So much so that by the time Jabba actually dies his main hanger has erupted into a frenzied anarchy. His former clients now vultures gleefully picking the flesh from the bones of his criminal empire before the body's even had a chance to go down.

"Now what's going on out there!? Bentley shouts up to Amethyst and Lenny. The two gems are standing on the deck of the sail barge fending off a mob.

"Yes… bit of a problem, seems our friends must have managed to kill Jabba, and now everyone seems intend on looting everything he own, Including this very sail barge." Lenny relays. "Quite insensitive in my opinion considering we've clearly laid claim to it."

"Yeah, so BEAT IT NERDS!" Amethyst shouts into the mob trying to swarm their way in. Several Jawa's hurl themselves at the sail barge, clinging to it's metal surface like geckos. Amethyst shoves the nearest of them off with her boot.

"Seriously!? What part of finder's keeper's don't these dorks understand?"

They hear a crash inside the ship. Amethyst groans.

"Now what?"

"I'll take care of it." Lenny offers.

He hops down into the ship and makes his way down to one of the engineer's corridors where Bentley's still working on the engines. On the other side of the hall two locals and their droid come charging towards them.

"Gentleman if I could ask you not to harass my fellow contestant…"

Lenny holds out his hand politely. The android's goes careening backwards like it was hit by an invisible wave. Lenny pauses for the first time in the game absolutely floored. The others gawk at him.

"…Was…was that the force?" One of the locals ask.

"Was it?" Lenny asks awestruck.

He holds out his hand again, this time at the local. The man looks down at himself then shakes his head weakly. Utterly baffled now Lenny tries the robot. He beckons it and it drags itself over to him like he had it on a string. He waves his arm around, the droid fallowing his every move like a marionette. He waves at the wall, and the electronic panels activate, beeping loudly.

"How long have you been able to do that?" Bentley asks.

"I… think this whole time." Lenny says amazed. "Bloodly Hell! Here it is finally my gem power!"

He laughs gleefully then turns to the local.

"You sir, are in a lot of trouble."

The man gulps.

…

The entrance hall's a far cry from how it was when they first arrived, as Indy, Peach and Bob stand there waiting for Beatrice and Markus. The sense of hostility and tension now utterly gone as there's no longer any one to hide from. Guards and servants rush by them without much acknowledgement. Keen to loot the best of their former master's positions before someone else get's there first.

"Well you two, I must hand to you. Your crowd does seem to make an impression where ever it goes." Bob notes.

"Yeah… we're one hell of a group." Indy says eyeing the surrounding area unease. "Markus and Beatrice better hurry up, I don't like standing in the middle of this riot."

"I can go look for them." Peach offers.

"Allow me Princess." Bob says. And before they can counter, he turns tail and disappears down a corridor leaving the two contestants in relative silence. Peach examines her hands. A red drop of blood blooms from one of her elegant fingers.

"You alright?" Indy asks.

"Just a cut." Peach says dismissively. She avoids his gaze and runs her fingers through her blond hair distractedly. Combing some of the rubble out of it.

"Doctor Jones, I'd like to apologize for the mess we got ourselves in. That I got ourselves in." She sighs. "I should have known Jabba would be too much like Bowser to reason with. I of all people should have recognized the type of brute he was the moment we heard his name. I'm sorry for getting you involved in all this. I won't take it personally if you want to vote me out tonight."

Indy gives her an exasperated look before he catches a glimpse of the look in her sky-blue eyes. Even after everything they've gone through, they're still so sincere and child like that it's hard to hold any malice to them.

"It wasn't anything I couldn't handle." Indy relents. "I've been through worse with worse people."

"That's good at least." Peach says modestly.

"And don't beat yourself to trying to peacemaker alright? It may not be my way of doing things, but trying to see the best in people's not something to be ashamed about."

"But I was wrong." Peach mopes.

"About Jabba yeah. You messed up there. But Bob was a good call."

"You think so?"

"Yeah… Seems like you make the right decision every once in a while."

Peach beams at him. Just then they her a distant voice calling.

"Peachy!"

"Markus!" Peach calls.

She bonds off down the hallway towards the voice. Markus and Beatrice round the corner, both back in their normal clothes. Peach squeals in joy and throws her herself into her friends arms.

"PEACHY!"

"Markus!"

Markus wraps his arms around her and lift's her off her feet, spinning the both of them in a circle, laughing.

"Peachy what me and Athena say about running off all that shit!? You had me worried dawg."

"Markus I'm so sorry. It'll never happen again!"

"It's aight Peachy. I'm just glad you're okay."

"I should have told you where I was going. I was such a fool!"

"Peachy you're good! You're good!" He pulls away and rests his shoulders on her arms beaming. "Yo! I can't believe you fought the rancor! That was fire! You did so good!"

They continue laughing and hugging, Beatrice looks over to Indy.

"So…good to see you again."

"You're not getting a hug kid if that's what you're wondering."

"That's fine I didn't need one anyway."

Indy shakes his head, then turns to the Flower Girls.

"Alright you two, you can catch up la-"

He's cut off mid word. There's a flash of red light and Indy suddenly collapsed to the ground in a shower of sparks. A smoking wound on the left side of his torso.

"INDY!" The other three shout all once.

Standing behind Jones's is the Stormtrooper, Haraka. His laser rifle raised and his finger on his trigger. Markus pulls a similar gun from his hammerspace and aims it and the Commander.

"****** step the fuck back!"

"I'm through negotiating with you and your scum friends!" Haraka roars, the man looks slightly deranged as he stands there breathing heavily.

"All I wanted was somewhere to belong. All I needed was stability in my life! And you terrorist have destroyed ever single opportunity I've had since you got here!"

"We didn't ask you to get involved!" Beatrice snaps.

"SHUT UP!" Roars Haraka, furiously. He's visibly shaking now. Somewhere between savoring the moment and delaying it. "This end's here."

"Please don't do this to yourself." Peach says

"You think I can't?" He challenges her. "You think it'd be the worst thing I've done in the name of the Galactic Empire!?"

"You know I've always felt Jackboot types like you gave us fiscal conservatives a bad name."

Haraka spins around and lets out a cry of terror. Bob's brings down his machete on him, slicing through his chest.

The other three recoil in horror. As Bob strikes again, slashing and slicing open Haraka's face and torso until he collapses to the ground in a bloody heap.

Bob stands over the corpse, stone faced. He glances over to the others then rushes forward.

Markus stands in front of Peach protectively fearing the worst. But Bob merely crouches down next to Jones and places two fingers at the side of the archeologist's neck.

"There's still a pulse." He murmurs.

"What's wrong with him?" Peach squeaks fearfully.

"Just in shock by my guess." Bob says, hoisting Indy's limp body over his shoulder. "…quickly now, we need to get him somewhere safe." He looks to Markus and Beatrice imploringly. "Tell me you people brought a way out of here."

"Uh yeah, we'll see." Beatrice says hesitantly.

Bob scowls. "What do you mean 'we'll see'?

…

"WHERE ARE THEY!?"

Amethyst howls over a chorus of blaster. By now Bentley's done all they can for their escape vessel. He and Amethyst have been waiting in the cockpit impatiently now for twenty minutes while Lenny rains destruction down on the local hooligans besieging them. He's newfound powers letting him puppeteer the deck mounted turrets of the Khetanna remotely.

"Now Amethyst, be patient. There's a near assured chance they're in a bigger spot of trouble then we are." Lenny says. He glances out one of the viewports on the brown metal siding of craft and causally waves his hand in its direction. A torrent of death spews down from the top deck, obliterating the two bounty hunters that had been running towards them.

"Remind me to never go on any sort of mission without walkie talkies again." Bentley grumbles.

"We'll there they are!" Lenny cries suddenly, spotting five familiar figures rushing towards them. He squints. "And they've got… Bob with them?"

"What!?" Amethyst yelps furiously.

"Nothing!" Lenny backtracks at once. "Spin the ship around, I'll clear a path.

Bentley groans. "Alright. Let's see if this hunk of scrap flies."

He activates the control module and the barge and with a low hum the it stirs to life. He turns ship in place. Lenny rushes toward back and opens a large hatch normally meant for Jabba's massive girth.

"Yo Lenny we got 'em!" Markus shouts. Peach is right by his side. Behind them Indy's couscous but only barely. He's dead weight being carried by Bob and Beatrice. Lenny beams at them all.

"Brilliant! Now do me and favour and duck for a moment."

They lower their heads. Lenny pulls out a laser rifle from his gem and opens fire in their direction. Cutting down a group of locals that had just emerged from the door behind them. He jerks the gun towards Bob.

"Sideshow Bob's on our side now is it?"

"Yes, he is. And He's coming with us if that's alright?" Peach says as they scramble aboard. Lenny nods.

"Alright with me, but let's leave him here in the back shall we? I think it's best if the Shorty Squad doesn't find out about this until after they've gotten us safely to our next destination."

"Perfectly understandable." Bob consents.

They part ways and Lenny leads the others through the ship. They walk through a foyer with a stairway to the deck above, a well stocked kitchen and a hallway full of guest cambers before they crowd into the cramped cockpit.

"Good news everyone, we're all back to together!" Lenny announced. Bentley turns around in his chair and smiles.

"Good to see you're alright you three." He says to Beatrice, Markus and Peach. He turns his head to Indy and frowns. "What's wrong with Jones?"

"Hit…with a… blaster." Indy grunts.

"He'll be fine, we just need to get him rest." Beatrice says.

"Yeah. Or we could eliminate him for getting himself into this mess." Amethyst counters.

"Amethyst!" Peach scolds. "The very thought of doing something so horrible!"

"You want to go home instead?" Amethyst retorts.

Peach's eye's narrow. "I see she's still upset about Yao." She whispers to Markus.

"Who's upset!? I'm not. If I was I wouldn't be channeling my hurt feeling productively would I!?" Amethyst says loudly.

"Quiet! We'll talk about this after we make our escape." Bentley insists. "Now hold on to something! We're in for a bumpy ride!"

He presses and button on the flight console and yanks throttle forward. The craft lurches forward. The humming around them increasing in pitch.

Outside in the hanger, locals take pot-shots at them.

"We're taking fire!" Amethyst says.

"Do you want me to take care of them?" Lenny offers.

Bentley squints up. Theirs no windows in the cockpit, just an array of monitors hanging above them with a live feed outside.

"Lenny you better get the door ready."

"Right."

Bentley pulls at the throttle and the ship begins to pick up speed.

"Yo? Bentley? You see that massive fuck off iron door in front of us right?" Markus asks apprehensively.

"Not a problem Markus!"

The barge is speeding towards the massive door of the hanger. As it does every droid it passes suddenly spasms. Dropping what they were doing and grabbing barrels of explosive material, then climbing with them to the top edges of the door.

"Now Lenny!"

Lenny's little android suicide bombers complete their grim mission. Both sides of the door erupt in orange flame and it comes crashing down.

"HOLD ON!" Bentley calls.

He pulls a lever hastily attached to the console. The stolen engines roar to life and the barge goes careening out the cliffside hanger. Soon as it's over open air it's nose to begins to dip towards the distant ground.

"BENTLEY!" Beatrice shouts.

"I'VE GOT IT!"

They're flung forward as the barge begins rushing towards the ground at a sharp angle. Right before they make impact Bentley pushes the throttle towards them with all his might and the ship begins to pull out of the dive. Theirs a terrible jolt as one of the fin attached to the stern scraps against the dessert floor. But after a few heart stopping seconds the ship begins leveling out and starts regaining altitude. Peach, Markus and Amethyst cheer.

"THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!" Amethyst booms, switching to the falsetto she occasionally adopts when excited.

"Nicely done Bentley." Indy says weakly. Bentley chuckles tiredly and grimaces.

"That's the hard part over. Now we'll see if the engines hold."

…

The ship sails high over the Dunes like a vulture searching for prey. Bentley searching the baked surface far below for somewhere to drop anchor for a moment. Somewhere they could leave one of their fellow contestants without dooming them to a death by exposure or bandits.

At the back of the ship, in the large lounge once meant for its late owner, Sideshow Bob watches the outside world through the half open shutters. They've long since left Jabba Palace and all it's horrors behind. Flat desert stretches out beneath them as far as the eye can see. The only sound the howling wind as it rushes past them. He looks up to the beautiful orange sky. Tatooine's twins suns are finally setting, bring an end to this horrible day. No more bandits, gangster, bounty hunters or monks. Now at last he alone again with the Contestants.

"The hour is drawing near." He says softly to himself.

He sighs wistfully.

"Each corporal agent to this terrible feat.
Away, and mock the time with fairest show:
False face must hide what the false heart doth know."

…

Markus strolls the sail barge in silence. Beside the ever-present hum of the Khetanna and the howling wind everything is quiet. Peaceful even.

Beatrice is in one of the guest rooms near the front, playing Florence Nightingale to Indy. Bentley and the two gems meanwhile are sticking close to the cockpit.

He walks through the kitchen. The room's crowded, full of cured meats and alien delicacies. Peach is already in there preparing tea. She had insisted that even a place as strange as Tatooine would have some and she seemed to be right. Now she's twirling gracefully around the kitchen, tending to the kettle and singing a little bridal chorus.

"Hey Peachy, can I help with that?"

"That's alright Markus. But thank you for asking."

"It's all good."

She looks up at him and smiles. He returns the gesture with a silly face, and she giggles.

"There is one thing you can do for me."

"Yeah, what?"

"Ask Bob if he'd like any tea." Peach says. Markus nods.

"Aight…"

He strolls out of the kitchen, through the hall and into the rear lounge.

"Yo Bob."

Bob doesn't acknowledge him at first. The man's posed like a statue, both hands wrapped around the base of his machete like a medieval king with his sword. Silhouetted against the setting suns he makes for a striking figure. So much so that Markus takes a moment to appreciate Matt Groening's ability to design a character.

"Yo Sideshow… You good?" Markus asks.

"Just… savoring the moment as it were." Bob replies still not looking at him. Markus approaches slightly cautiously.

"Yeah…it's fucking beautiful out there tonight." He says. He gives Bob a cautious look. "That's what we're talking about right?"

Bob smiles warmly and nods. "To want do I owe your visit Markus?"

"Oh… right. Peach was asking if you wanted tea."

"That was nice of her."

"Yeah, she's tight like that Peachy. She's a great person, we're real close two of us."

Bob chuckles. "I can tell. You both have the matching outfits."

Markus grins at pulls at his pink blazer. "Yeah! We out here pink and blonde like we reping Frank Ocean. It's fire. I fucking love that shit."

The stand there staring out at the world for a moment. Markus sighs wistfully.

"You know I remember when this game started I was worried there'd be a lot of drama and shit. You know catty white bitches ready to fuck each other up or fuck each full stop, bunch a dude bro players and fakers and haters, people god damn screaming about their Gucci butt plug and Prada slippers and all that shit."

"The common riffraff of reality television." Bob paraphrases.

"Yeah. Fuck 'em. I was fucking dreading being on a team with a bunch of dumbasses like that. And I'd just be sitting there in the corner the young ******* saying offensive shit just to get people to look at him."

"And you don't feel you got that?"

"Nah… I got something I never ever, ever, ever thought I'd get from a show like this. I got a family, I got amazing people with me going to all these beautiful places… I'm blessed *****. I know we've been through some tough shit but every day I'm blessed to be here. Even I get sent home today it was worth it."

"That's a possibility you're considering?" Bob probes

"I mean nah… But… I don't know. I'm worried they'd vote out Peachy after running off and causing all that trouble today."

"Markus, I assure you, you won't live to see that happen."

"Thanks I-" Markus pauses, the hair on the back of his neck suddenly standing on end. Sideshow Bob's finally turned to look at him. Grinning ecstatically.

"Uh…Bob you good?" Markus asks cautiously. Sideshow Bob laughs calmly.

"My precious Markus… I'm not the one you should be worried about."

Markus reaches for his hammerspace. The next things he sees is an oversized foot flying towards his face, and he's kicked backwards. Crashing hard into the side of the barge.

"Oh, how delightfully trusting all you people are." Sideshow purrs.

Markus snarls vengefully. "You fucking bastard!"

Markus lunges at him. Bob's ready with a coiled fist. He hits Markus between the eyes and he falls backwards. Smashing his head against the metal floor.

His eyes swimming with stars from the fall and his head throbs.

"MOTHERFUCKER!" He roars.

He gasps in agony. Bob's weight as just come down on his ribs. The criminal's long fingers seize Markus's throat. He thrashes wildly trying to break free.

"She… trusted you, you trash dick fuck!" Markus wheezes. Bob shushes him with an almost paternal patiences and drives his knee in Markus's chest.

"…as I've said before this isn't personal. Not really. I'm just… doing it for the art."

He laughs triumphantly. Then theirs's a loud sound of metal striking metal, and he looks up.

Peach is standing in the doorway, frozen like porcelain statue. The dropped tea kettle bleeding out it's contents on her feet. Starring at the two men. Her mouth hanging open in shock.

"RUN PEACH!" Markus shouts. "GET OUT OF HERE!"

Sideshow Bob's face, so full of fury a moment ago melts into an expression of serenity.

"Princess… Allow me to explain."

He get's up and takes a step towards her. She recoils, tears sprouting in the corner of her eyes, so innocent until a moment ago.

"You promised…" She whispers.

Bob grins sadistically.

"All I had to do was say what you wanted to hear, and you were ready to give your life for me."

He laughs, a cold cruel laugh. Peach feels her veins running with ice. Her hands slowly ball into fist. Theirs's a hurricane in her mind. A storm of negative feeling she's felt so strongly in her heart now swirling through her.

"I TRUSTED YOU!" She screams, forsaken. Bob laughs harder.

"Did you really not consider I'd betray you your highness?" He taunts. "My god you really are as stupid as everyone makes you to be."

Bob's knocked off his feet. And smashes into the opposite wall. He shakes his head and looks. Peach is standing there, her mallet out and glaring at him furiously. Even then It takes a moment for him to realise the Princess must have struck him.

"Peach no!" Markus shouts, voice flooded with fear.

"Stand back Markus." She commands in a dissonantly calm tone.

"PEACH HE'LL KILL YOU!"

"I invited this creature here." She says coldly, not daring to take her eyes off Bob. "And I will be the one to dispose of him."

Bob's lip curls devilishly.

"You poor angel…" He says softly. "Princess I do like you, that much was true. So I'll offer you one chance…"

He stands up and grabs his machete.

"…Drop your weapon, and forget about your friends. Go find a part of the ship and hide like the pretty little damsel Nintendo meant you to be and I'll let your little subjects keep their princess."

"You're not hurting any of my friends." Peach orders him, thought her voice is beginning to shake. Bob glares at her.

"That's my only offer. Take it or it'll be a fight to the death princess!"

Peach wordlessly tightens the grip on her hammer. Sideshow Bob sneers.

"So be it."

And flies at her in with a horrible ferocity. Blade swung directly at her neck. She blocks it the strike, as well as the next, and so on after that. His steel blade carving more notches into her poor hammer. Bob snarls at her.

"You can't play defensive forever."

He strikes the head of her hammer so hard his machete lodges into the wood. Peach smiles.

"I don't plan to."

Tearing the blade out his hands, she spins around him like a figure skater and smashes him on the back of the head. Bob soars through the door way. And he smashed into the bas-relief on the stairs hard enough to crack the plaster portrait of Jabba carved into it. Bob shouts in pain.

"My face! You hurt my beautiful face!"

"Good!"

She swings at him again, just missing him. The bas-relief explodes into a cloud of plaster, and she reels back coughing.

Before she's had time to recover, Bob lunges at her. Tackling her to the ground and knocking the wind out of her chest.

She kicks him off of her and tries to stand. He drags her back to the ground. Still blinded by the dust, she can feel him over her. He smells revolting. A whole two days of sweat and dust on his yellow skin.

"Give me back my machete!"

"Never!"

She punches him in the nose and flies to her feet, seizing the hammer instead of continuing on the offensive. It's a choice and one she pays for. By the time she's grabbed Bob's back on his feet, glaring down at her over a bloody nose.

"You can't win Peach, you're up against a master."

"I'm stronger than your world think's I am!" Peach counters.

She aims a blow at his head. He catches her hammer and yanks his machete out of it. Grinning at her viciously.

"Really? Then let's see how you handle pain!"

He charges at her again. She blocks again, but this time he strikes the handle of her mallet. He pulls out his blade easily and slashes at her. Slicing open a long gash on her left tight. She screams and staggers back. Next thing she's aware of Bob has her by the collar and he hurls her down the stairs. She tumbles like ragdoll, each impact with the stairs agony, she lands in a broken heap in the engineer's corridor. Sobbing in aguish. Bob cackles at her down from the top of the stairs.

"What's wrong your highness!? Can't fight the bad guys without your little boyfriends?"

He leaps down the stairs at her, ready to deliver a killing blow. Peach wills herself to her feet and dodges him like a mandator, she catches him in the gut with her hammer and slams into the wall next to her. He crashes into the device next to her and shrieks as its exposed wires electrify him. And she takes off running before he recovers. Heart beating harder than it's ever had before.

…

In cockpit a red warning light flashes on Bentley's display. He grumbles in dismay.

"Dang it all! I can't believe it!"

"Did we lose an engine?" Lenny asks nonchalant as ever.

"Not yet, but the wiring's malfunctioning on engine one."

"See if you can't get down there to fix it. I'll fly the ship." Lenny offers. Bentley shakes his head.

"No time. I'll fail before I got there. We have to push ahead."

"So we're moving on without an elimination again!?" Amethyst yelps. "Dude! You know-"

"Yes I know what happened last time." Bentley snaps shortly. "We'll just have to eliminate someone on the other side and hope Conner understands."

He pulls on the throttle tilts the barge. Accelerating towards a point high above them, where in the dimming light of the evening sky, a crack in reality glows faintly.

…

Peach ducks around a corner and collapses against, filling her lungs with a thousand frantic breaths. In the distance she can hear Bob back on his feet and taunting her again.

"This isn't one of your little party games Princess! Come out before I decided to deal with your friends first."

She tries to control her breathing but she can't. She puts a hand to the wound at her waist, the blood spilling from it's already soaked through her dress. Her mind struggles to stay lucid. This level of trauma, both physical and mental is so beyond what she's ever felt that theirs's a part of her trying desperately to reject it all. To wake up from this nightmare, or give in to her urges and start shrieking and flailing like a dying animal. Anything to get away from this hell.

But Bob's there's nowhere to run from this. No waiting for another hero to save the day.

She grabs the end of her red cloak and with a pang of her heart tears a strip off it in and wraps it around her leg.

She rises to her feet. Her head throbs and everything hurts, but she forces herself to pick him her mallet and glance around, searching for her tormentor.

"You said you we're my friend!" She accuses into the dark hallway. "We helped each other! Looked out for each other!"

She swings her mallet at a dark shape that turns out just to be a machine.

"I was the one who freed you in the first place!"

"True. True… But then again, friendship is fleeting, while art is eternal." Muses Bob from somewhere.

"You're still after those paintings after all this time! Nothing I said mattered to you!?"

She hears Bob cackle again. In a twisted way it helps her, the outrage draws the pain from her mind.

"Why would I? I was never talking to a real person." Bob jeers from somewhere close. "Why take any mind to the words of a fake little damsel who knows nothing of the real world."

"You're just as fake as I am!"

She swings her mallet around the corner. Running up against Bob and his machete. They lock eyes. Cold fury pulsing between them.

She feels the ground tilting behind her as the barge begins its accent. She uses it. Moving with the momentum, directing the flow of combat back towards the stairs. Away from these dark halls and towards the deck where she'll be able to swing her mallet better.

Beads of sweat trickle down Bob's long forehead as she herds him up the stairs. In doing so she's forced to give him the high ground. That decision earns her a slash across her collarbone from his machete. She staggers for a moment, body racked by the searing pain. She repays the favour by smashing his kneecap, then repressing her own injury the best she can. Even then her incredible stamina, the same one that got her through the Rodney House and the Dune Sea is wearing thin. It's taking all her effort to stay focused on Bob. Her mallet isn't doing much better. The head, once brightly painted is now chip and splintered. Bob's carved deep notches out of it, hacking at it repeatedly. Something that's not lost on him. By the time she's forced him up the stairs and to the top deck he's smirking.

"You can only hide behind that hammer for so long Princess." He shouts over the wind.

She brings her hammer down on one of comically oversized feet in response. He howls and hops back on one foot. The still tilting ship causing him to loose his balance and he slowly slides backward over the raised stern cabin.

"You could have had a family here, but you chose this instead!" Peach says in disgust.

"Will you SHUT UP!?" He screeches, pulling himself for his feet, and glaring at her. "You think you know better than me you spoiled palace brat!? You said you wanted reality? We'll I've got news for you sweetheart! This is how things work in the real world!"

"You're not from the real world!"

"I'm closer to it than you are Princess Peach!" He sneers, and counters her slow charge with a vicious barrage of counter attacks.

"All this talk of friendship and family." He says scornfully. "You're just another interchangeable piece of low cultured filth the entertainment industry shills on children, bereft of all meaning like that filth I was forced to endure working for Krusty!"

"YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ME!"

"YOU ARE NOTHING PRINCESS! You understand me!? You're a nothing bit a bunch pastel coloured pixels in the shape of a tired cliché! A pretty little visual reward for beating a child's video game! Part of the great cycle of bread and circuses that distract the masses! The most anyone real will feel for you is when those snot nosed brats that play your game reach puberty and start masturbating to you because their too pathetic to find a real girl! You're meaningless! Void! Null! Not a single real person will ever care about you!"

Peach takes a steading breath. "I don't care what strangers think. My friends love me, that's enough."

She grits her teeth at him and snarls.

"…And it's more love than you'll ever know you two-faced BASTARD!"

She hurls herself towards him, mallet aimed at his head. He holds up his machete to block it, it connects with hammer at the base of its head. The two strain against each other, trying to force the each other to yield. Then as the tension builds between them, it happens. With a sickening splintering noise Bob's blade snaps its way through the handle and rends the head from Peach's hammer.

The change of balance is so sudden her feet slip out from under her and she tumbles past Bob and under the guardrail. Only saving herself by grabbing the deck at the last second. She get's an eyeful of ground hundreds of kilometres beneath him, and her resolve breaks. The shock's so bad she nearly passes out. She starts breathing heavily, suddenly acutely aware of how exhausted she is. Bob survey's her fondly.

"Now what does this remind me of?" He asks tapping his chin. "Ah… yes. You remind me of the Rembrandt I'm going to hang on my wall once I've killed you."

"That's very confident for someone that can never seem to kill a little boy." She retorts, mustering the last of her courage. Bob's eyes bulge, he gives her a deranged look.

"Disregard my previous statements." He says savagely. "Your friends are only business, killing you will be personal!"

He slams his foot onto her fingers. She cries in pain and let's go. Bob cackling like a madman.

Shrieking in terror Peach tumbles down the stern of the ship. Before the wind takes her she manages to grab hold of one of the shutters of the lower deck. Above her Bob howls in outrage.

"NO!"

He vaults over the guardrail and starts climbing down after her, nimble as an acrobat. With the last of her strength Peach pulls herself up and squeezes past the shutter through. She slams it close after her then turns to run only to be throw backwards, her cloak is caught.

She tugs at it trying to get free. She can hear the metal outside creak and groan as Bob approaches. Another tug to no avail. He's right on top of her now.

Tears well up in her eyes as she closes them and pulls as hard as she can, breaking free of the shutter as her beloved red cloak is torn to rags.

She spins around and backs away from the windows. Brandishing the splintered handle of her hammer like it's a spear.

The shutter's thrown open and Bob lands in front of her. He chuckles darkly.

"Game over Princess! No more toys, no more games, no more running. At this point I'd suggest getting down your knees and beg for mercy."

She glares at him and stands her ground. Voice trembling horribly.

"A Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom does not bow to her enemies."

Bob sneers at her.

"Oh, my apologies your highness." He crones condescendingly. He reaches for his machete now holstered back in his belt. "Cling to that stubborn pride if you must. Nothing will save you now."

"Wanna bet motherfucker!?"

A fist thunders into Bob's jaw and the criminal staggers backwards.

"Markus!" Peach cries. Her friend flashes her a grin, he looks battered but determined.

"She'll always have me."

He aims another fist at Bob. He catches his in left hand and clocks Markus in the face with his right.

"You people never seem to get the message do you!?" He says through gritted teeth.

He grabs Markus by the neck and throws him to the ground, then reaches for his machete.

"NO!"

Peach flies to him enraged. Knocking the weapon from his hands with her staff, then bashing him with it.

"You can destroy my hammer and my cloak but you will NOT! HURT! MY! FRIENDS!"

She strikes and him relentlessly. Again and again beating him without any chance to defend himself. Bob's wails at she aims a particularly hard hit at his chest. She can hear several of his ribs snap.

"Alright! Stop! Please! I give!" He sobs. "I'm sorry! I won't hurt you any longer!"

"LAIR!" She shrieks.

Bob's cries turn to weak spitefully laughter.

He dives towards his fallen machete. Peach howls in fury and slams into him. Pinning him by the wrists and neck to the wall with the broad side of her staff.

She presses it against his throat and as he begins to choke. Airflow slowing being restricted.

"Come Peachy, fucking kill him!" Markus shouts from behind her.

She presses harder, expression of hatred unchanging as Bob's eyes bulge, a horrible guttural noise escaping his lips.

With great difficulty he slowly swims back into focus and stares dead into eyes. Glaring defiantly.

"…Go on then…do it." He rasps. Then snarls and repeats it louder.

"DO IT!"

Peach gives him one final look, squeezes her eyes shut… and let's go.

Bob collapses to the ground, clutching his throat. gasping for breath.

"Coward…" He croaks.

Peach lowers her staff, shakily violently. All her trauma starting the catch up to her.

She feels a warm pair of hands behind her and collapses in to Markus's arms.

"Markus…" She says miserably.

"It's okay Peachy." He says tenderly. "It's okay…"

He pulls away but keeps a hand on her shoulder, and plucks at her chin.

"We're alright."

He smiles, she smiles back. Then screams.

Markus's recoiled from her, his eye's bulging from his sockets, his face twists in agony.

Bob's risen to his feet…The tip of his machete protruding from Markus's stomach.

He withdraws the blade and Peach watches as her friend falls to the ground like a marionette cut free of its strings. Bob stands over him grinning sadistically. He sets his eyes on Peach, and opens his month to voice his triumphant.

He never gets the chance.

Peach drives the splintered end up of her staff into between his jaws and it bursts from the back of his head, stained with blood and brain matter like it was another one of his red hair tufts.

His body spasms as a thousand nerve endings cry out without their master, then he falls still. And the light disappears out behind his eyes.

Peach holds him like that a few seconds longer. Propped up like a ghoulish scarecrow. Blood spilling from his gaping jaws, down the shaft of Peach's spear and over her outstretched arms. Where it mixes from the tears spilling from her checks.

"Peach…"

Markus says for her no stronger than a whimper. She let's go of Bob and falls her knees beside him. His lucid but in immense pain.

"Markus…" She whispers. "Markus you're okay. You're going to be okay."

He slowly raises a hand to his gaping wound and dabs at it gingerly, withdrawing it to find it soaked in blood. He stares at it then gives her an unfocused look. Peach's lip quivers uncontrollable.

"You're alright Markus." She pleads.

…

The Khetanna sails out of her home universe smoothly, passing through the portal above Tatooine without any struggle.

Beyond it the world she finds herself in is unlike her home in every regard. She skids to a halt in a frozen river valley, tearing up evergreens and snowy birches as she slowly skids to a halt by the quiet stream. The landing crippling her engines, but leaving the rest of her unharmed. Her captain sighs relieved and puts down the throttle.

"…And that…" Lenny says smiling. "…Really is a happy landing."

He, Bentley and Amethyst exit the Sail Barge and inspect their surroundings. Confirming they've made it somewhere else. Amethyst cheers and claps Bentley on the back.

"Yeah! That's what I'm talking about son! No Shorties left behind son!"

Bentley grimaces.

"It wasn't us I was worried for."

"Uh, It should have been? Who else would you be worried about?"

"Where's Doctor Jones?" Bentley asks.

Lenny's face lights up. "Looks like he's alright!"

Beatrice and Indy are striding through the snow toward them. Besides a bandage under his open shirt, Indiana Jones looks worse for wear.

"How are you feeling Doctor?" Bentley asks.

"Better, thanks. Beatrice did a good job patching me up." He says looking around distractedly. "Where are we now? Tatooine's north pole?"

"Not exactly…" Bentley says sheepishly. "See engines were starting to fail and…"

Indy's eyes go wide. "You didn't!"

"Look, what are you people worried about!?" Amethyst demands. "It's fine, we all made it didn't we?"

"What about Markus and the Princess?" Lenny asks.

"I see them!" Beatrice shouts. "They're just coming around from the other…" Her voice drops off as does any relief from her face.

"No…"

The two of them stagger towards them, Peach propping her friend upright. Both dripping scarlet drops of blood into the white snow.

Markus stares off into the distance, his breathing laboured and shallow.

"I can't walk much further Peachy…"

"Focus on me Markus. You'll be okay. I promise."

She's stone faced for the moment, but by how much she's trembling it's clear it won't last.

"We're teammates Markus, we're going to keep supporting each other to the end…" She insists, voice breaking with repressed grief. Markus groans in pain.

"Do you… Remember the speech… Athena made back in episode eleven? …About how one of us was… meant to go all the way… and the others…"

"Markus don't say that!"

Markus shallows painfully. Gasping for breath.

"…Bout' how the others were gonna support them… And we just didn't know our roles until the time came."

"Markus stop…"

She sets him down in the snow. He sighs wistfully.

"I wanted... to take you to the finale so bad Peachy."

"No! No! You're fine… You're fine... We just have to stop the bleeding."

She takes the toupee from his head and holds it to his gut. Renewed tears flood over her as the wig turns from blond to crimson.

"I'm not going to let you go Markus…"

He slowly places her hands away and plucks her chin again. Smiling warmly.

"It's okay…" He whispers.

Peach stares back and suddenly starts weeping uncontrollably. She wraps her arms around him and holds him tight. She feels him try to hold her back, his strength disappearing by the minute.

"Oh Markus…"

"Shhhh…" He says gently in her ear. "I know. I'm sorry. But it'll be okay."

"I can't do this without you! I can't! I can't! I'm not strong enough!"

"Yes you are…" He insists. "You're all of us Peachy."

She sobs harder.

"Peach, listen." He begs. "You're the realest person I've ever meet. You got this. I know you do."

She pulls away, trying to wipe away the tears without luck. Markus still beaming up at her serenely.

"Please don't leave like this Markus." She sobs.

Markus chuckles softly.

"I ain't got a choice in the matter anymore."

The others surround them. Watching the two friends powerless.

"Markus…" Beatrice croaks.

"Yeah… I know." He says plainly. "Look after her for me aight? It's been real."

"Do you want us to stay?" Indy asks.

Markus shakes his head, Then gestures to his poor friend.

"Nah… If I go before she does she'll never leave my side."

Indy nods then pulls Peach up gently.

"Come on Princess…"

She straightens up, her eyes red and checks tearstained. Markus gives her a final boyish grin.

"Thanks for the crazy adventure Peachy."

She nods and swallows bitterly.

"Goodbye Markus."

The contestants slowly march away. Peach makes it a few metres before lapsing back into uncontrollable sobs.

With the last of his strength, Markus pulls himself to a tree and staggers to his feet. Watching his six companions fade from view. Feeling the last of his life draining from his body.

"Time to go Markus."

He looks behind him.

Conner's standing there, smiling at him melancholically. Markus smirks weakly.

"You pull some strings with the reaper now Conner?"

Conner shrugs.

"I'm a man with a lot of connections." He says plainly. Markus nods then turns back to his friends.

He sighs, one long dying breath.

"It wasn't supposed to end this way. I didn't want to leave on a bad episode."

"I know… I'm sorry."

He jerks his head backwards gently.

"Alright come on… "

Markus closes his eyes and feels his mortal coils slump off of him like a weight he never knew he was carrying. He takes a final look at his own corpse resting against the tree and looks around.

"This place is beautiful…" He whispers.

Then he turns away and fallowing his host into the falling snow. Neither leaving footprints.

"Conner, one more question?"

"Yes Markus?"

"Was I a good contestant?"

"No Markus…

…you were one of the best."

END OF ACT 2