Doctor Who: The REAL Series 11

by SteffanDaviesMovat

This is a fixed version of series 11 of Doctor Who which I am writing as the new real showrunner of the show, to fix the mistakes Chibnall has made to it. It has language and more violence in it too now, because it's a serious show for adults lik Doctor who always should be.

2. Chapter 1: The Man Who Fell TO Earth

Chapter I: The Man Who Fell To Earth

(Ryan was on his Youtube shcanel.)
Ryan said - So today I want to talk about the greatest man I ever met. Smart, funny, tough, badass. Proper badass. Er, where do I start?

(Yasmin, Raz, and Ryan are gazing at the blue thing in the woods, the previous day.)
Yasmin said - And you say you just found it here?
Ryan said - No, I said it appeared, out of nowhere.
Yasmin said - Right.

Raz said - Fucking weird ass shit, dude.
Ryan said - I swear, this isn't a prank. I came down here to get me bike.
Yasmin said - And where's your bike?
Ryan said - In that damn tree.
Raz said - What kind of idiot puts their bike in a damn tree, stupid?
Yasmin said - Name, sir?
Ryan said - Ryan Sinclair.
Yasmin said - Wait. Redlands Primary?
Ryan said - Yeah.
Yasmin said - Yasmin Khan.
Ryan said - Oh my God. Yaz. Wow.
Yasmin said - I know.
Ryan said - Look at you. Yaz. Wow. You're a pig.
Yasmin said - Yeah. We don't call it that, we call it police. I'm still training, second year probation.
Raz said - Razor Awesome.
Ryan said - Oh my God. Raz. Wow.
Raz said - I know.
Ryan said - Look at you. Raz. Wow. You're a pi- police woman.
Raz said - Yeah, and a fucking sexy one, at that.
Yasmin said - What about you, what are you up to?
Ryan said - Warehouse worker.
Yasmin said - Oh. Right. Like it?
Ryan said - Hate it. It's cash while I study to be a basketball player.
Yasmin said - That's good. You have to take this away, though, seriously. It's going to be dark any minute. You can't dump this here.
Raz said - Yeah, pick up this shit, and your shitty damn tree bike.
Ryan said - This isn't mine. I can't even lift it.
Yasmin said - Oh, come on, Ryan. It's me.
Raz said - And me!
Ryan said - Touch it.
Yasmin said - What?
Ryan said - Touch it.
Yasmin said - Touch what?!
Ryan said - Touch the nlue thing.
Raz said - Just fucking touch it, Yaz! NOW!
(She does.)
Ryan said - See? It's freezing.
Yasmin said - Weird.

(Wilf and Grace are on a train.)

Wilf said - Do you ever think Ryan's going to call me Grandad?
Grace said - Give him time.
Wilf said - We've been married for three years, Grace!
Grace said - And you've never been happier, or more sexually fulfilled!
(She kisses Wilf very passionately, and puts her hand on his ding-a-ling, then speaks to the lad with the earbuds in across the aisle, the only other person in the carriage.)
Grace said - He can't keep his hands off me, love!
Wilf said - Behave yourself.
Grace said - I will never do that.
(Up in the cab, the driver sees something sparking, then gets thrown off his 'dead man's handle'. The train comes to a sudden halt. Wilf is thrown out of his seat. Then the lights go out.)
Wilf said - You all right, love?
Grace said - Think so, yeah, sexy. What just happened?
Wilf said - Where you going?
Grace said - Just having a look.
(She puts her head out of a door to see people getting off the train. The guy with the earbuds does not get off of the train, because his neck snapped when the train stopped and he is dead now.)
Grace said - What're you doing? Don't go on the track, you assholes, it could be live!
(Clang! The doors just lock. Wilf and Grace are shut in. They can't get them open. Something's wrong)
Grace said - Wilf, the doors just locked. We're shut in. I can't get them open. Smething's wrong.
Wilf said - I think something's coming down the train.
(There's a flash of bright light from the next carriage.)
Wilf said - Right, get away from the door. Grace, get to the back of the carriage. Get to the back!
(They close the interconnecting doors behind them.)

(Ryan and Yasmin ad Raz are int eh woods still. Night has fallen. Ryan's phone rings.)
Ryan said - Wait, one sec. Hiya, Nan.
Grace said - Ryan, love. Our train's stopped between Hathersage and Grindleford, and something really weird's going on. (static)
Yasmin said - Everything all right?
Raz said - What's the fucking problem?
Ryan said - Nan?
(A police car speeds down a country lane.)

(Meanwhile, back in the train.)
Wilf said - Grace, get back.
(An interconnecting door is blown apart. A multi-tentacled thing moves slowly towards them.)
Wilf said - What is it?
Grace said - I've no idea.
(Electrical discharges from the thing trap them against the final and locked door. Suddenly, someone falls through the carriage roof with a cry.)
The Doctor said - What?
(They point at the being behind him. He grabs a dangling electrical cable and thrusts it into the thing, which stop sparking, because he might have just killed the thing. I think that's what he does, it's very dark then very bright and hard to tell.)
The Doctor said - Should buy us a few seconds. (looks at the hole in the roof) Oh yeah, Long story. Tell you later. Doors?
Grace said - Locked shut.
The Doctor said - We'll see about that. I've got a sonic, and if that doesn't work, good muscles.
(Ryan arrives.)
Ryan said - Nan!
Grace said - Ryan, stay away!
Yasmin said - Oh, my God.
Raz said - What the fuck is going on, bastards?
(Electrical discharges, then it disappears through the hole in the roof.)
The Doctor said - You three, relax, but stay put. I'll check the rest of the train. Fat lot of use you two were.
(Walking through the train.)
Yasmin said - Hey! Hold on there please, sir. I need you to do as I say. This could be a potential crime scene.
The Doctor said - Why are you trying to stop me, lady?
Yasmin said - Because I'm a police officer.
The Doctor said - Are you? Are women even allowed to do that, yet?
Raz said - What?
Yasmin said - Of course they are, you sexist asshole!
The Doctor said - Oh. Sorry, half an hour ago I was a white-haired Scotsman. I guess some of the natural sexist and hateful opinions that all Scottish people inherently have just haven't worn off yet. When's the next train due?
Ryan said - This is the last one back.
The Doctor said - But the doors are locked. How did you three get in?
Yasmin said - Driver's window was smashed in.
Raz said - By me. I'm super pretty, and super strong too, because I'm basically perfect.
Yasmin said - Yeah, she is.
The Doctor said - What's your name?
Yasmin said - PC Khan, Hallamshire Police.
The Doctor said - Name, not title.
Yasmin said - Yasmin Khan. Yaz to my friends.
Raz said - And I'm Razor Awesome.
The Doctor said - Awesome is literally your last name?!
Raz said - Like shit it is, weird guy.
The Doctor said - Woah.
Yasmin said - Can I have your name, please?
The Doctor said - When I can remember it.
Yasmin said - You don't know your own name?
The Doctor said - Of course I fucking know it. I just can't fucking remember it. It's right there, on the tip of my fucking... What's that?
Ryan said - Tongue?
The Doctor said - Tongue! Smart boy. Biology. Also, it appears I'm being rather sweary. I think that's due to all of the Scottish man's pent up swearing that he never let lose, and so now it's finally coming out through me, but maybe I'm just into swearing now, which would be new, but not bad. Infact, it could be fant-fucking-tastic. What did she call you? Ryan?
Ryan said - Yeah. Ryan Sinclair.
The Doctor said - Good name. Are you a doctor, Ryan?
Ryan said - No.
The Doctor said - Shame. I'm looking for a doctor.

(Moving to the drivers ab of the train, the doctrr and co are thrre.)

The Doctor said - Power, lights, doors. Poor woman.
Ryan said - That thing must've killed her as it came through.
The Doctor said - Must it? It didn't kill anyone else. Looks more like she died of shock when it smashed through the window.
Yasmin said - Either way, a woman has died here.
Raz said - And that guy in the train cab with the earphones.
The Doctor said - But no more creatures, and no other passengers left on board. Let's get back to the others.

(Baxk in the train caeagie.)

Yasmin said - Wait. Can you stop, please? This could be a major incident.
Raz said - Yeah, and I'm the one in charge here.
The Doctor said - What are you going to do?
Yasmin said - Call it in to my station.
Raz said - Or just shoot the fucker when we find it, and ask questions later.
The Doctor said - What are you going to tell them?
Yasmin said - The facts.
The Doctor said - Which are?
Yasmin said - The train was attacked.
The Doctor said - By what?
Yasmin said - I need to take a look at CCTV footage.
Raz said - No you don't. It was clearly attacked by some alien motherfucker.
The Doctor said - And why do you need to check CCTV when we all saw it with our own eyes?
Ryan said - Was it an alien? Because it looked like an alien to me.
Yasmin said - Oh, come on.
Raz said - It was a space bastard all right, Yasmin. Space bastards are what I call aliens.
The Doctor said - What, you think we're all wrong?
Yasmin said - No, I dunno, but...
The Doctor said - But you're worried about how you'll explain all this to a superior officer who won't believe you.
Yasmin said - I can't not report it.
The Doctor said - You could hold off until we get the answers to the bigger questions.
Yasmin said - Which are?
Raz said - What the fuck was it? Why the fuck's it here? Where the fuck's it going next? And, most importantly, how the fuck do we stop it? 'Cos whatever it is, I don't think it's done being a mean old bastard. Come on, Ryan. Come on, Raz. Come on, Yaz. I'm calling you Yaz, cos we're friends now, and it's funny because there's Raz and Yaz and that rhymes.
(Later, Yasmin and Raz is taking witness details.)
Karl said - It's er Karl Wright. Middle name's Brian. 52 Northover Street.
Yasmin said - Telephone number?
Raz said - Tell her your damn telephone number, you sad piece of shit.
The Doctor said - Right then, troops. No, not troops. Team, gang, assholes, fam? I'm distracting myself.
Grace said - You came crashing through that roof.
The Doctor said - I was thrown out of my Tardis. Oh, I've lost my Tardis. It was exploding and then it dematerialised. Don't panic. Not the end of the world. Well, it could be the end of the world, but one thing at a time.
Wilf said - Are we supposed to understand anything you're saying?
Ryan said - He thinks that thing is an alien.
Wilf said - Don't be daft. There's no such thing as aliens. Anyway even if there was, they ain't going to be on a train in Sheffield.
The Doctor said - Why not? I'm alien and I'm here. You look familiar, by the way. Do I know you, sweet, adorable old man?
Wilf said - Grace, we're going.
Grace said - No, we're not. He just saved our lives.
The Doctor said - Don't be scared. All of this is new to you, and new can be scary. Now we all want answers. Stick with me, you might get some.
Wilf said - Well, it's not new to me. I've seen some stuff before.
The Doctor said - Of course you have, sir. And I thank you for your service.
(The Doctor salutes Wilf, somehow sensing his bravery and courage, despite not remembering him, or indeed even his own name.)
Karl said - Actually, I don't want answers. I just want to get to work and forget all about this. If that's all right with everyone. Even if it isn't. Thank you.
Yasmin said - Would you like me to...
Karl said - No! Thank you. I er, just want to be on my own. I'll walk. I need the air. And I'm with him. We don't get aliens in Sheffield.
Grace said - I think he's still in shock, bless him.
Raz said - Fucking weirdo. Bet he's a perv.
The Doctor said - Obvious question, but has anyone noticed anything else out of the ordinary tonight?
(Ryan slowly raises his hand.)

(In Raz's police car, which is aweome like her and has guns all over it.)

Yasmin said - I'm going to be in such trouble if they find out we were there.
Raz said - Oh shut the fuck up Yasmin, why would we be in trouble for checking out a crime scene? Where's police women.
The Doctor said - Can we have the lights and siren on?
Yasmin said - No! I shouldn't be doing any of this.
Raz said - Don't worry random dude, I got you.
(Raz turns on the lights and siren.)
The Doctor said - So you four know each other?
Grace said - I'm his Nan. Wilf's me husband.
Ryan said - Second husband.
The Doctor said - And you three know each other?
Ryan said - Yeah, Yaz and Raz and I were at school together.
The Doctor said - Oh.
Grace said - Not Yasmin Khan and Razor Awesome?!
Yasmin said - Hello, Ryan's Nan.
Raz said - What's up, lady.
Grace said - Haven't you two done well for yourselves, lovys.
The Doctor said - And you say you just found it there, this thing?
Ryan said - Yeah, pretty much. I took pictures.
The Doctor said - Oh, good lad. (looks at the pictures) That's fucking exciting. No, not fucking exciting. What do I mean? Fucking worrying. Fast as you can, Raz.
Raz said - You know it, bastard.

(Back in the woods now.)

Ryan said - There's my bike.
The Doctor said - Why's it in a damn tree?
Ryan said - We were up top and I chucked it over.
Wilf said - He gets cross cos he can't ride it.
Grace said - We're giving him lessons. He's got a mental thingy that makes him bad at riding bicycles.
Raz said - Moron.
Ryan said - Anyway, enough about me. The damn tree's to the left so it should be...
Yasmin said - It was definitely there.
Raz said - So where the ever-loving shit has it gone?

(Baxk in local Sheflied.)

The Doctor said - Two weird things, one city, same night, makes me fucking nervous.
Yasmin said - I'll see if there have been any more reports on that object.
Raz said - Actually, Yasmin, I'll do that, because I'm cool and you suck.
Yasmin said - You're right, I do suck. Go ahead, then.
The Doctor said - Good, cos we need all the information we can get and we don't want anyone who sucks fucking things up. Meet us back here.
Wilf said - I could have a word with some of my old pals from work. If you want to know what's happening, ask a bus driver.
Ryan said - He always says that.
Wilf said - Yeah, that's cos it is true. I'd still be doing it now if I could.
The Doctor said - Good plan, wholesome old man who I cannot at present remember but who still seems strangely adorable and loveable none the less.
Ryan said - I can search for weird stuff on social media.
Grace said - I'll check in with my friends on 4Chan and the dark web.
Wilf said - Seriously though. Aliens?
The Doctor said - Yep.
Wilf said - Again?
The Doctor said - Yep. Suddenly I feel really tired.
Grace said - That was a big fall you had, you absolute thicc unit. We should get you checked out at A&E.
The Doctor said - No, no, no. I never go anywhere that's just initials, unless the initials are UNIT or TARDIS. Although... (sticks a finger up her nostril) Ah. Can one of you catch me?
Ryan said - You're going to fall over?
The Doctor said - In 2 minutes, 19 seconds. Wait. Forget the 2 minutes 19. Oh, this new nose is so fucking unreliable.
(He falls into Raz's arms.)
Raz said - Don't worry, I caught you.
Yasmin said - FML.

(Inside Ryan's rich home, which is painted entirely blue one very wall.)

Grace said - Ryan, look.
(The Doctor is spark out on the sofa. Regeneration energy is still coursing through his veins, and all of his many members.)
Ryan said - Whoa.
Grace said - He's got two separate pulses.
(A piece of golden energy floats away from him.)
Ryan said - Oh my God, what is that?
Grace said - I have no damn fucking idea, you shitty son of a bastard.
(Over in Rahul's industrial unit, the lights flicker, then the flask thing cracks. Steam rises and yellow light streams out.
On a rooftop, the multi-tentacled thing scans the city. Rahul's video cameras burst in to flames and he leaps back, crowbar at the ready to defend himself.
The Doctor wakes up, gasping.)
The Doctor said - Ah! Ah! Oh! Who the fuck woke me up? I'm not ready, still healing, still... oh. Can you smell that? No, not smell, not hear, feel. Can you feel...? Stay still, Ryan.
Ryan said - What is it? What's the matter?
The Doctor said - Ah. Show me your collarbones.
(Little red lights flickering by their clavicles.)
The Doctor said - Oh, you've all got them.
Ryan said - So have you.
The Doctor said - Yeah, I have. Okay. Really sorry. Not good news. DNA bombs. Micro-implants which code to your DNA. On detonation, they disrupt the foundation of your genetic code, melting your DNA. Fast and nasty and outlawed in every civilised galaxy.
Ryan said - How did we get them?
Raz said - I don't have one because I don't have a collarbone because I'm cooler the rest of you motherfuckers, except for maybe Wilf.
Wilf said - Never mind that, are they going to go off?
The Doctor said - Quiet, I'm trying to think. It's difficult. I'm not yet who I am. Brain and body still rebooting, reformatting.
(Sees the picture of the thing on the train on Ryan's phone.)
The Doctor said - Oh, reformatting. Can I borrow that, little man?
Ryan said - Yeah, I guess so, asshole. But what for?
The Doctor said - That space bastard, on the train when you two came on board, it zapped us all with these. Simple plan to take out witnesses. Very clever. Merciless, but clever. I reformatted your Samsung galaxy iphone.
Ryan said - No! All my stuff's on there!
The Doctor said - Not any more, because I don't give a fuck about your personal items because I'm eccentric and quircky!
(The Doctor triggers his new app and is thrown backwards into the wall.)
The Doctor said - Oh! That nap did me a world of good. Very comfy fucking sofa. (grabs his jacket) Come on, keep up.

(Back int the Razor Mobile, the coolest police car ever.)

The Doctor said - Next left, Razor!
Yasmin said - Where are we driving to?
Raz said - I reckon he's using Ryan's phone to track the origin signal for the DNA bombs that space bastard shoved into us.
Wilf said - Again, how long till they go off?
The Doctor said - Don't know, but I promise you will not be blown up. Everyone else may die, but you, sir, I will save even if it means my own tragic death. That is a pormsie I give to you now, and forever.
Wilf said - Well, can't we just defuse the bonmbs?
The Doctor said - Not without the right equipment. Left again.
(The elderly Voodo comes to a halt in the industrial unit area. They all get out.)

The Doctor said - We're close.
(Explosion a little way off.)
The Doctor said - Geronimo, motherfuckers!
(The metal man appears.)
The Doctor said - I was expecting a tentacle-y thing. (shouts) Don't you move!
(It turns away, she chases after it.)
Ryan said - Wait, is that another alien?
Grace said - Looks like it has eyes!
(They chase after the Doctor.)
Wilf said - Why is he running at another alien?
Yasmin said - Don't just stand there, come on!
Raz said - Hurry the fuck up, slow losers!
Wilf said - Now you're all running at it!
(Further on.)
Raz said - No shit, Wilflock!
The Doctor said - Oh, lost it. It's fast. I'm slower cos of all this... fizzing inside.
Ryan said - In here!

Wilf said - Got a man down over here.
Grace said - That thing must've killed him. I've never seen injuries like these.
The Doctor said - Not a weapon blast, more of an ice burn.
Grace said - It broke his jaw open too.
The Doctor said - Looks like it took one of his teeth. What sort of creature kills someone and then stops to pull out a tooth? Some kind of fucking depraved fetish or some shit. Gues we're fighting a pervy space bastard, and that's the tooth of the matter.
Yasmin said - HAHAHAAHAHA! You're so fucking funny, man. Way furnyirr than I OULD ever be.
Ryab said - Aint that the ducking truth.
The Doctor said - I think you mean aint that the fucking tooth!
Yasmin said - HAHAHAHAAH
Ryan said - HAHAAHAHA
Grace said - HAHAHAHA
Wilf said - HAHAAHAAHAH
Raz said - HAHAHAHAHAHA
The Doctor said - HAAHAHAAHAH But now back to work. We can't be toothing around any more, cause we've got caveties to do.
Yasmin said - HAHAHAAHAHA
Raz said - Shut the fuck up Yas. Just becauae it was witty and funny doesn't mean you need to continue lacguhomg, not when the situation is so dire now.
Ryan said - Agrreed. This man is witty and clever and funny, but ewe'v got seriosus work to get done.
Yasmin said - FML.
Grace said - I'll find something to cover the dead body. It's dead eyes are creeping me out.
The Doctor said - Thank you, Grace. I too hate dead boides for the sa,e reason. If it was up to me we wouldn't even allow dead bodoies to exist because of how ufcking creepy they are. I'm sorry any of this is happening. I'm sorry that thing on the train planted these bombs inside you, and I'm sorry I haven't figured out what's going on yet, but I will.
Ryan said - This is it. This is the thing. The blue thing we found in the woods/
Raz said - It was all sealed up earlier. Looks like it's been broken.
The Doctor said - Or it's done what it came here for. It's some sort of transport chamber, presumably for that thing we just saw in the alley. But why here? Why tonight?
Ryan said - Actually, that might have been me.
The Doctor said - Why? What did you do?
Ryan said - When I went to get me bike, there were this line in the air. And then it moved, and there were shapes.
The Doctor said - And?
Ryan said - And I touched one.
Grace said - Ryan, you fucking moron.
Ryan said - You all would've done the same.
Wilf said - I wouldn't. Fuckin' retard.
The Doctor said - Yeah. Fuckin' son of a scotsman.
Ryan said - Right, the shapes disappeared. A few seconds later, that appeared. What've I done?
The Doctor said - Hard to say, really, but congratulations, because you've probably screwed us all.
Wilf said - I suppose you'll be blaming this on the dyspraxia as well. Can't ride a bike, started an alien invasion, msde everything go FUBEAR.
Ryan said - Excuse me, but what the litrla fuck, old man? What the uyck id wrong ith youi?
Wilf said - You are right, I am sorry, I should not have said that and I do not know why I did, except that maybe it was because of my PTSD from when I ofguht in Woeld War I all those years ao. OIam sorry.
Ryan said - It's alright I forgive you,
The Doctor said - Thank you foryour service, sir.
(The Doctor salutes Wilf.)
Ryan said - All right, I made a mistake. But why did that guy move this thing from the qoods near my bike to here? And how did he even know it were there?
The Doctor said - Good questions.
Yasmin said - Let's take a look round here, see what we can find.
The Doctor said - Can't follow it. The tracking's been blocked, like it figured out what I was doing.
Grace said - If we were tracking bomb signals from that creature from t'train, why did they lead us here?
The Doctor said - Another good question. I dunno. If I could analyse that. Course, what I really need is my... Oh! I could build one I'm good at building things.
(Runs off.)
Yasmin said - It's not your fault, all this.
Ryan said - Yeah, it basically is.
Yasmin said - You couldn't have known that was going to happen.
Ryan said - Maybe tell Wilf that.
Yasmin said - He knows, really. Do you believe he's an alien?
Raz said - The weird bloke, not the old ducker.
Ryan said - Yeah, I think I do, yeah. Is that mad?
Yasmin said - No. I think I do too.
Raz said - I'm sure he is, because nothing on this planet could be that sexyt and be from Earth, except for me of course.
Yasmin said - Yoyu're right. You're super fucking sexy.
Ryan said - Hey, look in here.

(A file of strange happenings over Sheffield, and a missing persons poster. Ryan goes to the computer.)
Ryan said - Hey, look at this.
(In the centre of the screen is a icon - If I Die Click Here.)

(At a workbench, assembling components.)
Wilf said - You don't look like an alien.
The Doctor said - You should've seen me a few hours back. My whole body changed. Every cell in my body burning. Some of them are still at it now. Reordering, regenerating.
Grace said - Sounds painful, love.
The Doctor said - You have no ufcking idea. There's this moment when you're sure you're about to die and then you just fuckign xhatch fire and burn to death and then... you're born. It's freaking terrifying. Right now, I'm a stranger to myself. There's echoes of who I was, and a sort of call towards who I am, and I have to fight my way through it all like in Vienam , going through ungles to get to your enemy so you can fucking blow them to Hell. I'll be fine, in the end. Hopefuckilly. Well, I have to be because you idiots need my help. And if there is one thing I'm certain of, when assholes need help, I never fucking refuse. Right, this is going to be toothinh /fun!
Grace said - HAHAHHHAHAAHAHA
Wilf said - HAHAHAHAHAAH
Gram said - HAHHAAHAHAH
(The Doctor works. He smiles at a Sheffield Stainless Steel spoon, then puts it and a whole load of other random shit into a bucket and melts the fuckers E. Then he builds circuit boards until finally -)
The Doctor said - Ta-fucking-da! (the sonic glock lights up, and the Doctor fires three sonic bullets at the far wall, to make sure it works, then smiles.) Let's go kill ourselves a space bastard.
Raz said - Fuck yeah!

(Ryan is watching the video he counf.)

Paul said on screen - It's come back. The thing I saw the night my sister... Everyone always says disappeared, but I know she was taken. Seven years now, tracking energy signals, building predictive programmes so that I'd know when the atmospheric disruptions matched what happened that day. And tonight it came back again and I've got it. I am going to find out what happened to my sister. If anything happens to me, her name was Ashley. Don't let anyone else go through this.
Ryan said - He knew what he was doing might kill him.
The Doctor said - She was his family.
(Later, sonicking the remains of the container, by blowing holes in it with sonic bullets.)
Ryan said - Did you just make that?
The Doctor said - Sonic Glock. Like a sonic screwdriver but better. Multipuprose, too, like a nkife. Except that only idiors carrt knowives when they dan carr a gun instead.
Ryan said - What are you doing with it?
The Doctor said - Mapping the distance this object has travelled by pumping it full of time lead. It looks like it started over 5,000 galaxies away.
Yasmin said - How can you tell?
The Doctor said - That bit there. Recall circuitry. It's designed for a return journey.
Wilf said - So whatever killed that bloke will have to come back here?
The Doctor said - Question is, why did it leave? What's it looking for?
Grace said - What's your best guess, sexy fuck monkey?
The Doctor said - Two space bastards, one city, one night. Best guess? Two species at war, using Earth as a battleground. Either that or they're here to mate.
Yasmin said - Are you joking?
The Doctor said - No, sorry.
Wilf said - So... so you're saying that the creature on the train and the thing that came out of here, they're now looking for each other spoiling for a scrap?
The Doctor said - Bit more than a scrap.
Yasmin said - What are we going to do? Cos this is my home, and I'm not having it being an alien battleground.
(The Doctor is gathering supplies.)
The Doctor said - We blow them to shit.
Raz said - Fuck yeah!
The Doctor said - Let Omega sort them out, once we've killed them both.
Ryan said - How do we do that?
The Doctor said - Well, give me a minute. I'm working on it. Oh, nevermind, I know. We use this sonic glock.
Wilf said - Not to sound like a stuck record, but can I just ask about these DNA bombs? Like, how long have we got left?
Yasmin said - oasis is better than Blur.
The Doctor said - Take that back right now, you sick fucl!
Raz said - Personally I've always preferred Pulp, but I agree. Oasis is shit. WTF Yasmin?
Yasmin said - Sorry. Am I stupid for liking Oasis.
Raz said - Fuck yes, idiot!
The Doctor said - Enough. You lot, you love to chat. I get it. Lots to do. I'm working on it all. And I haven't forgotten about your collarbone, Wilf. I could never forget about aby part of your body. Give me nine minutes, a bit of quiet, and I'll be ready to roll. Scout's honour.
(Wilf answers his phone.)
Wilf said - Hello? Yeah, Kevin. No, no mate. That's exactly the sort of thing.

(A drunk is throwing the unwanted bits of salad out of his takeaway box when the bipedal alien steps in front of him.)
Dean the Salad Man said - Halloween's next month, mate. (throws salad at him) Eat my salad, Halloween!
(Tzim-Sha grabs Dean's head, and he screams.)
Dean the Salad Man said - Piss off!
(Tzim-Sha releases Dean, and walks away,)
Dean the Salad Man said - Don't ever mess with Salad Boy again!

(The Doctor is on a rooftop, with the multi-tentacled electric thing.)
The Doctor said - Whaass up, motherfucker?!
(He clamps a crocodile clip attached to a car battery to a fire escape ladder.)
The Doctor said - Now!
(Grace jabs it with what looks like an electric drill. The drill petrates the creature, and Grace smiles.)
Ryan said - Get in! It actually worked!
The Doctor said - Of course it worked. I'm not a fucking amateur, tree bike boy. Overloaded its socket, stunned it for a bit. Not sure for how long though. Best be quick. And thank you to Kevin the bus driver for location intel.
Wilf said - See? Always ask a bus driver.
The Doctor said - (scanning it) Half organic, half machine. Starts to make sense now. Wait. It's a Gathering Coil. No, dozens of Gathering Coils. These tentacle-y things, they're creatures which gather information. They've been lashed together and augmented into one super-creature. But why? What data are they gathering? Unless...
Yasmin said - So that's an alien species?
The Doctor said - Not really. More of a semi-species. Weaponized bio-tech.
Yasmin said - You said there were two aliens in a battle.
Raz said - I think you mean two space bastards, moron.
Yamsinl said - Oh sorry, I so stupid.
The Doctor said - You're right, but now I think I'm wrong and I'm trying to catch up with what that might mean. If I can access the data it's gathered...
(He shoots the coils with time bullets from the sonic glock and an image is projected.)
Wilf said - It's Karl from the train.
The Doctor said - Karl's the data. That's what it was gathering on the train.
Wilf said - But what would the alien want with him?
Tzim-Sha said - Which one of you shall I kill first?
The Doctor said - I'm voting none of us. Get behind me now. Stop right there. Come any further and we'll blpw this fucker to kingdom come, blue face!
Tzim-Sha said - You're interfering in things you don't understand.
The Doctor said - Yeah, well, you're a duckig illegal space bastard.
Tzim-Sha said - You're not human. Who are you?
The Doctor said - Me? I'm... Oh, it's gone again. I had it a minute ago. So annoying. Same question back at you. No, in fact, before that, because it's really bugging me, actually not bugging me, offending me. Why the teeth? Bad enough you kill, why take a tooth from the victim?What kind of suic perverted p[iece of shit las a fuckin toogth fetish, tou fucking snilasl:?
(It removes its faceplate to reveal that its head is studded with teeth.)
Tzim-Sha said - A Chumblie warrior wears his conquests. You may tell your children you were once privileged to encounter Tzim-Sha of the Chumblie.
The Doctor said - Tim Shaw?
Tzim-Sha said - Tzim-Sha.
The Doctor said - Tim Shaw.
Tzim-Sha said - Tzim-fuckdamn-Sha! Soon to be leader of the Chumblie warrior race, conquerors of the Nine Systems.
The Doctor said - When you say soon to be leader, what are you now, the office junior?
Wilf said - Eh? No, don't wind him up.
Tzim-Sha said - Tonight is my challenge. Trace and obtain the selected human trophy.
The Doctor said - It's a hunt. You're on a hunt.
Tzim-Sha said - Well done. Your tiny mind must be burning with such effort.
The Doctor said - Did he just say I had a small mind? Fucking shit. And what next, I'm arascit? A homophobe? A biget? You fucking liberal space bastard shits.
Tzim-Sha said - The challenge is simple. Our leaders randomly designate a selected human. I'm sent here, alone, no weapons, no assistance. I must locate and obtain the trophy and return home with it, victorious. By doing this, I ascend to leader. This is the ritual of the Chumblie.
The Doctor said - Earth is not a hunting ground.
Tzim-Sha said - Access was granted.
Ryan said - No, it wasn't. It was a misunderstanding. Access revoked as of now, by me. Get ot, you fucking liegal, or have Domaaaald Trump come and build a apaxe wall around yhr rarth and make you pay or it.
The Doctor said - Just to pick up on one thing. You don't mind, do you? You said the rules were no weapons, no assistance.
Tzim-Sha said - Correct.
The Doctor said - How did you kill them? What caused the ice burns?
Tzim-Sha said - We Chumblie live at temperatures far below this planet, one touch of my cold skin will kill a human.
The Doctor said - So, this super-powered Gathering Coil right here, you're not meant to have it, are you?
Tzim-Sha said - The creature is irrelevant.
The Doctor said - I don't think it is, fucking seat. I think you smuggled it ahead of you. I think it located the randomly designated human for you. I think you broke the rules. Some leader you're going to make. Tim Shaw is a big ffucking cheaterass!
(Tzim-Sha raises its hand, palm glowing with cold energy.)
The Doctor said - Okay, fine, fucling have it.
(Tzim-Sha crouches by the Coil and energy flows into him.)
Ryan said - What's it doing?
The Doctor said - Total transference. If you've finished, let's be fucking clear as shit. You're not taking any human from Earth tonight. Leave now or I'm going to fucking murder you.
Tzim-Sha said - Good luck, booomer.
(A blinding flash of light.)
The Doctor said - No! Short-range teleport. Double cheat!
Raz said - Where have they gone?
The Doctor said - To hunt.
Ryan said - Hunt who?
Raz said - Isn't it obvious?

(In the Razor Mobile afain.)

Yasmin said - Karl's number's going straight to voicemail.
Ryan said - Got him. Karl Wright, operator for Skylark Building Services.
Wilf said - I know where their site is. It ain't far. Grace, next right, love!

(In a crane cab, Karl spots Tzim-Sha climbing up the outside of the crane, and gets on the radio.)
Karl said - Dennis, there's someone climbing up to me cab. Dennis? Dennis, it's Karl!

(The Voodo parks outside the building site, and the Doctor runs up to the hole Tzim-Sha has made by walking through the security fencing. They find Dennis and hear Karl on the radio.)
Karl said - Dennis, I need help! Somebody's on my crane!
The Doctor said - Oh, for fuck's sake. Karl's a crane operator. He would be, wouldn't he?
Ryan said - It's over there.
Wilf said - And that creature's guarding the bottom of it.
The Doctor said - Wilf, Grace, need you to take this equipment and get everybody off this site. Don't care how. Use your initiative. Threaten to fucling murder them all if you have to, and if they still don'r iersn you have my permission to kill themost annoying person to get the otues to listen yo you. Do not come back in, understand? Ryan, Yaz, Raz, how are you with machinery, and heights?

The Doctor said - That tentacle-y thing is guarding Karl's crane, so we go up this one.
Raz said - What do we do when we get up there?
The Doctor said - Don't worry, I've got a plan.
Yasmin said - Really?
The Doctor said - Well, I will have by the time we get to the top.
(Hestarts up the ladders.)
Yasmin said - Are you all right with this? Cos if it's a problem, you don't have to do it.
Ryan said - I do. I can do this.
Raz said - Of course he can fucking do it Yas, ewhat the fuck is wrong with you you lodrr?

(Wilf and Grace have found florescent vests and clipboards.)
Wilf said - Thank you very much. Total site shutdown. Quick as you can, please. Thank you. Major power issues, very serious, emergency services on their way.
Grace said - Off site immediately, assholes, or I bslityy your fucking throats like a hog!
Dean the Salad Man said - Don't worry, yer Salad Bopy is here, and he's gonna help save the day.

(Up in the cran afain.)

Karl said - You can't come up here. Turn around please! Go on!
The Doctor said - Oi! Karl from the train. Up and over! Up and over!
Karl said - You have got to be kidding.
(Karl climbs out of the hatch on the top of his cab..)

(Yasmin's foot slips on a rung and she drops his torch.)
Raz said - Damn it Yasmin, you fuclig idiot!
Ryan said - You okay, Yas?
(Ahe nods and they keep going.)
Yasmin said - AAAAAAAAAAAA!
(Yasmin ffalls to her death, and smacks against the ground, corpse exploding.)
Raz said - Fucking shit burgers.

(Karl crawls out along the horizontal long jib. Tzim-Sha reaches his cab and punches his way in.)
Karl said - I am confident. I achieve my goals. No one knows my special plan, while I know every single facet of theurs.
(He crawls past a sign – "Danger! Damaged Handrail, Dipshit!")

Ryan said - We made it! Oh! Oh, no, no, no, no, no. It's way too high up here. And Yasmin's dead. Oh fuck Yasmin's dead.
The Doctor said - Yaz is dead?
Ryan said - Yaz is fucking dead!
Raz said - She fell, the clumsy dumb fuck. Not really police material, I think.
The Doctor said - Still unfourtntel, I suppose.
Raz said - What's the plan? You said you'd have a plan.
The Doctor said - Yep. I climb onto the arm of this crane, you swing the arm round next to Karl's crane.
Ryan said - Oh no, you're kidding.
The Doctor said - Karl steps across, you swing the arm away, I get him back in here, all back down for a bottle of whiskey and a visit to the nearest prostitute. I'm really craving a prostitute. You know, I think I even married one once, before Faction Paradox ruined the marriage and stupid Saabath Dai fucked my shit up with his voodoo bullshit. Simple plan, right?
Raz said - Abso-tooth-ly!
The Doctor said - HAAHAHHAHA
RYAB: HAHAHHHHAHAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Raz said - HAHAAHHHHHHHHHH
DOCTOR It'll be fine. Oh! I got these downstairs. One must work.
(A large collection of keys.)
The Doctor said - You can figure out how to work a crane, right? Go.
(Our testosterone full hero heads out along the horizontal long jib.)
The Doctor said - Time to end this shit.

(Meanwhile below, sweet Wilf and his girl Grace are doing stuff.)

Wilf said - Grace, he explicitly said not to come back. It's not safe.
(The Gathering Coil is partway up the second crane.)
Grace said - Look, it's swapped cranes. It's trying to bring it down. We have to stop it.
(She hands her florescent vest to Wilf and storms off.)
Dean the Salad Man said - I don't think this is a good idea, old man.
Wilf said - I know, Salad Boy.

(Karl has reached the far end of the jib. Razor Awesome tries the first key in the ignition.)
Yasmin said - First one. Come on, go in the hole little thing. (it works) Good! Okay, so now we just need to swing the arm round to meet that one.
(Ryan has been doing searches on his phone.)
Ryan said - Right, I think this shows us. Ready?
Raz said - I don't need to klearn how to do it, Ryan, I already fucking now. It's simple and easy, when you're a damn fucking genuius like I am.

The Doctor said - Hiya, again.
Ryan said - What's going on?
The Doctor said - When the arms line up, just step across.
(The Gathering Coil manages to short-circuit the crane, and the jib halts about two metres lower than Karl's jib.)
Karl said - How am I supposed to get across there now?
The Doctor said - Oh for fucks sake- When I said step, OBVIOUSLY I meant jump, you dum fuck. Just jump across.
Karl said - I can't do that!
The Doctor said - Of course you can. Stand up, quick jump. Chop chop, I'll catch you.
Karl said - I dunno. I'm not great with heights.
The Doctor said - What?
Karl said - It's my dad's company.
(Tzim-Sha is now on his jib.)
The Doctor said - Pop on over.
Karl said - I don't know-
The Doctor said - Jump over right now or I will fucking murder your whole family, you spineless piece of shit.
Karl said - Okay, time to be a man!
(But just as Karl has launched himself into the air, Tzim-Sha grabs him by the collar.)
The Doctor said - Let him go, you Chumblie bastard!
(Karl is dragged away.)
Karl said - I'm sorry!
The Doctor said - If you want something doing...
Karl said - Please! Help!
(The Doctor takes a run up, and lands on the other side, doing a sumersalut in the air, and backflipping up to tim Shaw.)
The Doctor said - Oi, Tim Shaw, you stop right there.
(Tzim-Sha takes off his faceplate.)
Karl said - Oh, he's got a face of teeth!
The Doctor said - I know. Sick fuck. I've got this. Let him go... or I destroy this.
(Takes out the recall from the pod he travlled in.)
The Doctor said - This is the recall from the pod you travelled in. I took it out. Without this, you can't get home. Yeah, see? Now you're worried. If I fall, this falls with me. Then you're stuck.
Tzim-Sha bellowed - You wouldn't!
The Doctor said - Poor Tim Shaw. The wannabe leader who has to cheat because he knows he's a fucking pansy ass. See, that's why I know you won't detonate. Because you're a cowardly fuck.
Tzim-Sha said - Who are you?
The Doctor said - I'm glad you asked that again. Loads of testosterone, dash of rage, and a hint of sexdrive knitted my brain back together. I know exactly who I am. I'm the motherfucking Doctor, bitch!
(With that, the Doctor kicks Tzim-Sha in the chest with a powerful blow, knocking him off his feet. Tzim-Sha falls through the air.)
Tzim-Sha said - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOQ! Curse you bast-
(Tzim-Sha splats on the ground, body exploding into red dust.)
The Doctor said - Better make sure he's dead.
(The Doctor takes out his sonic glock, and fires ninety-nine time bullets into the little bits of meat left of Tzim-Sha's body.)

(Meanwhile, Grace has climbed up to the Gathering Coil.)
Grace said - Put a bomb in me, would you, fucking dpace bastard? Now, Wilf!
(Wilf throws the master switch and electricity surges, starting to short out the Coil.)
Grace said - It's working!
(The Coil falls and dies.)
Grace said - FUCK YEAH, BITCHES!
(Grace jumps down, landing in Wilf's arms.)
Grace said - Well hello Mr. Sexy Pants.
(Ryan and Razor run over, then the Doctor.)

(Now, back to the beginning, Ryan is on his youtube chanel.)

Ryan repeated - So today I want to talk about the greatest man I ever met. Smart, funny, tough, badass. Proper badass. The Doctor. Because he's fucloing awedome. Oh, and my friend Yasmin died, which was traumatizing, but at least OI have a cooler friend now called Razor Awesomena and she's a complete badass too and great at everything sand super hot and stuff and I wish I could b as colol as her because she's just awedomen like her name says and I;m alright, nit ot anywer near as col as her. Like and suubstrible please, and I'l lsee you again soon. Bye1

(Later that day, at Yasmin's funeral, the friends all gather.)

The Doctor said - What time did your dad say he'd get here?
Ryan said - Two hours ago.
The Doctor said - If he said he'll come he better . por he's a jerk.
Ryan said - He says a lot of things. He's never been the best at being reliable. I mean, how can he not be here? She's his mum. She would've wanted him here. I want him here.
(Ryan's dad walks in.)
Ryan's dad said - Hey hommioe , hwo are you my udde!
Ryan said - Dad! Cool shir!
(The memorial service has started.)
Wilf said - Lots of you knew Yasmin longer than me, so I can't stand here and pretend to know everything about her. So I won't.
(Wilf salutes, and everyone claps, then he walks down fro the stage.)

(Later, back at Ryan's blue home.)

The Doctor said - It's good to be around you again, sweet adora ble Wilfred my old friend, and I'm glad I've finally remembered you.
Wilf said - Good to see you again, Doctor.
The Doctor said - I'd be proud to call you my granddad.
Wilf said - And I'd be proud to call you my grandson.
Raz said - Have you got family?
The Doctor said - No. Lost them a long time ago. Except for Susan and Braxiatel, and River, and Jenny, and maybe some others.
Raz said - So everything we saw, everything we've lied to people about, is this normal for you?
The Doctor said - I'm just a traveller. Sometimes I see things need fixing, I do what I can. Except right now, I'm a traveller without a ship. I've stayed too long. I should get back to finding my Tardis.
Raz said - Doctor. Can I just say, you really need to get out of those clothes.
The Doctor said - Why Raz, you're very forward, buit alright. Ypir plac,e I guess?
Wilf said - I think she means your clothes need to be replaced.
The Doctor said - Oh, yes of course.
Raz said - Definitely what I meant.

(Soon at a local shop, lots of stuff being thrown out from behind the changing room curtain.)
The Doctor said - Oh Yes! Now, that's what I want.
(He comes out wearing a pair of military pants and boots, with a Blur t-shirt, a gun holster, and a leather jacket with spikes on it.)
Raz said - That's what you're going with?
The Doctor said - Yes it is, motherfuckers. Like it?
Wilf said - Um…
Grace said - Sexy!
Dean the Salad Man said - Needs a vegetable on the lapel. Maybe some salad dressing.
Ryan said - You look like David Cameron.
Raz said - Well than oink oink.

(Later, rhe Doctor is putting the final touches to a very Heath-Robinson lash-up. Wilf is clutching a car battery.)
Wilf said - How long have we got to stand here for? I'm getting a cramp.
The Doctor said - Seriously, Wilf, trying to concentrate here, darling.
Ryan said - Do you understand what he's doing?
Grace said - Ryan, love, just be quiet.
Raz said - I hope Dean hurries back with our salads, I'm starving!
The Doctor said - My ship uses a particular type of energy. I've tracked that energy trail from the moment I lost it to where it is now. Now, given this is a transport pod, I'm configuring it to send me to the planet where my ship seems to have ended up.
Grace said - You're going to another planet?
The Doctor said - Well, trying to. Except Chumblie technology's really annoying and super hard to decipher. 139 layers, seven of which don't make sense. Right. Wilf.
Wilf said - Yeah?
The Doctor said - Clamp those onto there.
(Crocodile clips onto the battery terminals.)
Wilf said - All right.
The Doctor said - Raz, thread the cable onto the top. Ryan, you turn on the switch. Grace, reverse the polarity of the damn nutron flow. Okay, you four, I'm almost gonna miss ya.
(A microwave beeps.)
The Doctor said - That's it. It's connected up. It should work.
(He sets the timer on the microwave.)
The Doctor said - Moment of truth, then. Wish me luck. And goodbye. Oh, deep breath. Not you lot. Me.
(He inhales, holds it and activates the Sonic Glock. The microwave timer reaches zero, power surges through cables... and they all disappear.
The Doctor opens his eyes to find he is floating in the vacuum of space - with his four new companions close by.)
The Doctor said - Damn you sons of bastard fools.

(At that moment, Dean walked in to the room eveeyone had just been in with everyone's salads.)
Dean the Salad Man said - I got the salads guys, here I am! I- Wait, where is everyone? Guys?