Chapter II: The Ghost Monument
The Doctor, his companions, and Yaz have just appeared in the vacuum of space where they're about to die, but then suddenly- a spaceship arrives and they get sucked in! As soon as they are inside, Wilf begins to talk because Wilf good.
Wilf said - Breathe slowly, Ryan my boy. Well done. That's it. Well done.
Ryan said - I'm alive. I am alive, right?
The Doctor – Of course we're fucking alive you moron, what, you think this is the after life? I've been Heaaven sent and Hell bent, and I can tell you this isn't either of those places you dingbat!
Ryan said – Are we on a spaceship?
Yaz said – I think we're on a spaceship!
The Doctor said – Are you both dumb as a rocks?
Suddenly, a man appears! This man named Mr. Angstrom said – This is my spaceship!
Ryan said - Who's that?
Raz said – How the fuck are we supposed to know who he is, Ryan? How the literal fuck do you expect us to fucking know who that is?
Ryan said - We were in space. No, wait. We were in that warehouse, and then we were in space. How were we in space?
The Doctor said – Are you even listening to us, Ryan? Or are you just saying random redundant unnecessary hings to hear yourself say it?
Wilf said - I've got no idea. Poor boy's touched in the head.
The Doctor said – It's okay, Wilf. I don't blame you.
With that the Doctor embraced Wilf, putting his hand on the adorable old man's face and stroking it caringly, stairing into his eyes.
Ryan said - And why are we not in space now?
Yaz said – SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY RYAN!
The Doctor said – You tell him, Wilf!
Yaz said – What? But I-
The Doctor replied – Shut up, Yaz. Nobody likes you.
Just then, everyone remembered that Angstrom was in the room.
Angstrom said - I scooped you. That was a very sneaky trick of his, especially coming out of hyperjump. Now, you could've been killed!
Wilf said - Listen, I keep telling you, we haven't got a clue what you're talking about.
ANGSTROM: Oh, have it your own way.
Ryan said - Where in space are we?
Angstrom said - Just off the Final Planet. Which is out of orbit, not where it should be. But I still found it.
Ryan said - What do you mean, Final Planet? How can a planet be final?
The Doctor replied – Oh shut the fuck up Ryan!
ANGSTROM: You are a very funny little bonus.
Ryan said - Where's Raz and Grace? Are they here?
Wilf said - No, I don't know where they are. I've been trying to get this guy to look for them. I said there was four of us.
Angstrom said - And I said I only saw the three of you. I mean, things were moving pretty fast. Speaking of which... Landing ahead. Lock yourselves back in.
Wilf said - We're not doing anything unless you turn this thing around and go and look for our friends.
Angstrom said - There'd be no point. If they were still there, they'd be dead.
Ryan said - They can't be dead.
Wilf said - Don't panic. We'll figure it out.
Ryan said - How? What happened to them?
Suddenly, let's go over to the other space ship which is owned by another guy named Epzo because this is the future and space and really only men can fly space ships and things (look at the original cool Star Trek if you don't beleivob e me, not the garbage Discovery srufk that they're making now, because those are bad and I hate them). This ship isn't much better looking than Angstorm's, but it's got medipods. Raz and Grace get out of the medipods and ehad for arguing voices.
Raz said - None of the equipment on this thing make any sense!
Epzo said - Stop insulting my ship. This is one of the best crafts around.
Grace said - I'd hate to see the others!
Epzo said - I don't need your help.
Raz said - Yes, you do! You're a fucking bad pilot and your ships about to fall apart!
Epzo said - How can a planet be in the wrong place? It should've been back there where I scooped you up. We should be in its gravity belt by now.
Raz said - Well, we're not, you winky fucking donkey!
Grace said - Where's Ryan and Wilf?
Raz said - There! The planet's there.
Epzo said - How can it be there?
Raz said - Does it even have a name?
Epzo said - Only a symbol. Or a warning. Closest word is... Bewaire. Right. I can do this. I am not going to be beaten. Move! I've still got a few tricks up my sleeve.
Raz said - Manual shit shield activation? Fuckin wow, this thing should be on Antiques Roadshow.
Epzo said - Right, blast shields up. Don't know how long they'll last for, though.
Raz said - Brilliant. About to crash land on Bewiare. Real grounds for optimism.
Epzo said - Do you not understand anything? I can't even get us there, because of the fuel... because of the fuel I've wasted scooping you up.
Grace said - I can get us into the atmosphere if we jettison the rear section.
Epzo said - Listen to me. Nobody is jettisoning anythi-
Before Epzo could finish speaking, Raz jettisoned all of the back of the ship and Epzo out. Then, she lands carefully and perfectly.
Grace said – That was so cool! You're fucking cool!
Raz said – I'm not called Razor AWESOME for nothing!
Stepping out of the ship, Raz and Grace saw the Doctor and Wilf and Ryan and Yaz and Amngstonr.
The Doctor said – Raz! My sweet, sweet Raz! I knew you and Grace would make it!
Ryan said – Is that Raz and Grace? Did they arrive in a spaceship too?
Just then, an evil robot shot Ryan and he exploded.
The Doctor said – Watch out everyone, it's an evil robot! It's going to kill us all unless we escape!
Everyone listened and ran away from it, and then the Doctor and Raz went over to a rock and pulled out a missile launcher and three torpedos and aimed at the robot and the Doctor said HAVE A TASTE OF THIS YOU STUPID METAL BESSTY! (Just like what James McCrimon said all the time int eh old days era of the show, which I've seen nbecause I'm a real fa na nd not a stupoid RTennant fangirl or Eccelshill or Jodiebot, like Chinbla is.)
The evil robot exploded and died.
Anogsmtorn said – You defeated the evil robot! Ya!
Grace asked – What was it called?
ANogmsot rsaid – That was a Jodibot. They're very bad and stupid and listen to anoy old opiononi about the SJW and think that only Chibnalll era stuck if good, they don't know that everyrging in the univdrs sexisted before stupid chibnla ll and the SJW seasons of our exisrence.
Grace said – Oh. That makes sense. I hate me some dumb Chibnall.
The Doctor spoke – Now then, everyone, how about we go find my fucking ship. Where is my ship?!
Amngostrom said – Oh well I think that might tbe this thing called the Ghost Moniunebt, acrtually, which is what we're all trying to get to.
Wilf said – What do you mean 'all"? There's only us here.
Angstrom answered – Well actually, therr's another several groups of people here looing for it, you just don't see them right now.
Wilf said – Oh, okay. That makes sense.
The Doctor punched Yaz for being boring and dumn, and then everyone went on their way to find the Monumnet.
Not long later, the Doctor and Raz hung back for a moment, as everyone else went on.
Raz said – I love you Doctor. You're just soo cool and neat and stuff.
The Doctor rpelied – Well I like you too Raz, you're so aswedome it's the last name you were actually born with!
With that, the two began to kiss and stuff passionately, as the others all kept on walking oblivious to the kissing. But eventually the Doctor stopped.
The Doctor said – That's enough for now Raz, I can't stop thinking about someone else and we need to find my ship anyway.
Raz answered – Yeah okay but don't you think that Oasis is shit?
The Doctor laughed and said – Of course I do! Why wouldn't I? I said before that they are, and I'll say it again! They stink and were boring and dumba nd can't compare to the perfection of music that is Blur and even my best friend Nardole went and starred in a music video og theirs for the underrated gem that is Country House.
Raz replied – Yeah. But I still think Pulp is the best. That Jarvis Cocker is like a hot version of you wen you were the tenth Doctor but on like cocaine or something and that's just so great.
The Doctor said - You obviously never saw him with a hangover.
Walking ashlong to the others of their group, Raz and the Doctor saw a tent coming up soon.
The Doctor said – The fuck is that, Epzo?
Epzo said - It's a tent.
The Doctor said - Obviously, it's a tent. I meant... Oh, fuck it. Why do I even try. Come on.
Then all of them entered close to it, and the Doctor turned to Grace, Wilf, Raz, and Angstrom.
The Doctor said - Be careful. I still don't know what's going on. It could be dangerous. Probably is dangerous.
Wilf said – I know, Doc. I'm not afraid of no monsters.
The Doctor grabbed Wilf and pulled him close saying – I know, my dear, dear Wilfy poo. And I think it's oh so adorable.
Grace butted in saying – Oy! That's me husband you're talking to! NObofyu does the sexy stff with Wilf cept for me!
With that,they all endered into the tent. Inside it had a bunch of stuff and there was a guy sitting there.
The Doctor said - This is fucking pretentios for a tent. I'm the Doctor, these are my fans, Raz, Wilf, Grace, Yaz, and Angstrom.
The man who was named Ilin spoke and said - Who are these people?
Angstom said - Bonuses.
Ilin said – No.
Angstrom said - What?
Ilin said - I told you, bonuses and snaketraps are over.
Angstrom said - They were hanging in the starfield when we exited hyper. Are you saying we scooped them for nothing?
Ilin said - Yes.
Angstrom said - I sacrificed my ship!
The Doctor said - Yeah, sorry. Some of this is my dead friend Ryan's fault. Hi. We were loads of solar systems away, I was trying to find my own ship, I got a fix on it here... and then it all went quite badly wrong, actually. These three are being very good not going on about it. Now then, what the fuck is going on here you ashat?
Yaz said - I'm way beyond confused.
Ilin said - You're intruding on the final stage of the last ever Rally of the Twelve Galaxies.
The Doctor said - So, what, like a race? Like NASCAR, in space? Are you two space-racing each other?
Angatoem said - We're the finalists.
Ilin said - Four thousand entered, two are left. Only one will claim the prize.
Grace said - What's the prize?
Ilin said - For the final ever race, 3.2 trillion krin.
The Doctor said - 3.2 trillion what, mothafucka?
Angstorm said - Krin.
The Doctor said - How much is a krin?
Angstrom said - 200 kavlons.
Ilin said - 90 forvalars.
Yaz said - 4,000 trynties.
The Doctor said – In English money, ashole. What is it in ENGLSIH money?
Ilin replied - Enough to provide a lifetime of comfort on a safe world for the winning pilot and their entire clan.
Raz said - Are we eligible too?
Ilin said – No.
Angstrompnebr said - No. You're irrelevant. Get on with it. Tell us the task, Ilin.
Ilin said - The final challenge is to cross the terrain, survive the planet, make your way to the other side of the mountains, and the first one to get to the site marked as the Ghost Monument will be crowned the winner and transported off this planet. The loser will not.
Anfstorm said - You can't leave one of us here. The ships are out of fuel.
Ikin said - Don't tell me what I can and cannot do with my own race. You knew the risks when you joined. Biggest ever prize, biggest ever risk.
Wilf said - Oi, hang on, what about us?
Epzo said - Shut up. You're not part of this.
Wilf said - 'Scuse me, we are human beings. Show a bit of solidarity.
Angstorm said - I'm Mextican. Ilin's Albanian.
Ilin said – We've never even heard of Moomanbeans.
Grace said - Beings. Human beings. Earth?
Angstorm said - Nope.
Ilin said - The rally is a test of survival. How far will we go? How will we react when challenged? It's the ultimate test. You must get to the Ghost Monument and stuff and ti win.
The Doctor said - What does it look like, this monument?
Ilin said - What does it matter?
The Doctor said - Look at us. Four people who barely know each other, stranded on a planet called Be2are. No route trackers, no way off, and judging by what you've just told us, very little hope of survival. I need all the information I can get. Including, but not limited to, what this Ghost Monument actually looks like when it appears.
Ilin said – The fuck are you motherfucler for me to care about what happens to you and your friends? Fuck off.
Then the Doctor yelled – I'm the motherfucking Doctor, bitch! And then he shot Ilin in his face.
The Doctor said – This is my place now, and I qant this fucking Ghost Monument so fucking give it to me, Yaz!
Yaz said – Okay.
The Ghoast Mumoment appeared then, and it was the TARDIS.
Yaz said – Not so fast Doctor, tbis is my ship now!
But then Raz yelled – I hate you! And then she jumped and Yaz and punched her fist throghh Yaz's face and then she and the Doctor kissed again.
But then, before the Doctor, Raz, Wilf, and Grace could leave suddenly Angstrom grabbed a hold of Grace.
Angstorom said – Not so fast, Doctor! I will kill her!
The Doctor said – NO you wont you are just a dumb one off villain not a cool villain like the Dalkes or the Cybermen or Fadtion fucking Paradox (they're so cool and awesome and normie casual fans fon't even know who they are because ehy're children and dumb and don't actualy even know what Doctor who is about and haven't even heard of the VNAs and stuff) or the Master.
Buit then, Agstrom smiled and said – Oh really? Think about my name again, Doctor!
The Doctor thought and then said – Oh!
Angstorm smiled and said – Yes. "O."
The Doctor conitneu dspeadnihk – You have an "O" in your name, and the Master's faborutie band on Gallifrey during our time at the Academy was Oasis, so you are the Master!
Anstorm laughed and said – Yes! It is I! The Master! And I am an Oasis fan! Fuck Blur, I got Morning Glory!
Then, the Doctor stopped and said – Wait! But Raz's favourite band is Pulp, and the Rani's favourte band was Pulp!
Raz laughed and said – Yes, Doctor! It is I the Rani! You're old enemy! But noe I think your'e super fucking hot and stuff, so we're not enemies and I'm going ot help you kick the Master's ass, or tather Koschei's ass, since Koschei is his actual name and mine is actually Uxas.
Then, the Doctor stopped and said – Wait! But the Rani's favourite band is Pulp, and my granddaughter Susan's favourte band was Pulp! So Raz is the Rani is my greanddaughter Susan!
Raz Rani Susan looked emabraeed and said – Yes, I am. Nice to see you again grandfaughter I jope we can still keep on kissing nd stuff, because I still think you're super hot and stuff.
The Master said – Look at me, Doctor! I'm going to kill Grace if you don't stop me!
The Doctor yelled – I am stopping you! And then he ran at the Master and tried to roundhouse kick him in half but accidently roundhouse kicked Grace in half instead.
Wilf said – Oh no Grace is ded
The Doctor said – Look! Grace was just a evil Jodibot! The Master planted her as a plan to desrtroy me and you's relationship, Wilf!
The Master was mad and said – ARGH! That is true! It was a masterplan plan and I was not thinking you would stop it but now you have and I am mad!
Then, Yaz melted.
The Doctor pulled out a gun, and pointed it at the Master, and Wilf pulled out a bomb and pointed it at the Master, and Raz pulled out a sword, and pointed it at the Master.
The Doctor said – I'm the masterfucking Doctor, you massterfucker! And I am protected by my friends!
Then, Wilf ran forward and blew up the Master with the super bomb, and then the Doctor shot him a bunch of times, and then Raz cur him up into suishi and everyone ate him.
The Doctor said – Try coming back from that, you stupid naziclown.
Then Raz, the Doctor, and Wilf got into the TARDIS and leave to go on more fucking awedome advenures that aren't like Chin balls garbage stuff and things.