Chapter IV: Meanwhile At Cole Hill School
Meanwhile at Cole Hill School Clare Oswald was going to go to her classes to teach students. Walking there she thought – I really miss the Doctor he is so cool and I think Ashildr is fucking dumb and borin and I am glad she died in a fire that fucking bith.
Walalking into her classroom, she saw the students and said – Hello there, you little fuckers! How are you today?
The students said – We are good, Miss Oswald! We are happy to see you today and ehb taught!
Clare said – Good! Because I am the establishment, and I am going to brainwash y ou which is good, so that the entire England can be the same! Here, now watch this video about our school system!
And then Clara put on the movie The Wall by the band the Beatles (it's a cool movie and you should watchi t, even though the nostalgia crhitic didn't like it. He's stupid and bad at making stuff and makes dumb three ouhr long selfish boing movies that aren't even good and does bad reviews and dumb jokes and politiicla stuff and I don't tlike him).
During the movie, Courtyney Love, one of the students (the oen who was in The Caretaker and Kill the Moan) stood up and said – I think this is stupid, and you're a bad techer!
Clare said – You shut the fuck up you little bithc, don't talkt to me like that I'm the techer here and you are just a dumb kid!
And then Clare went up and grabbed Courteny by the hair, and pulled her to the front of the class, as the movie kept playing.
Courtney said – Oi! Let me go you stupid teacher!
Clare said – No, you bratty little whiney ass gen-Z-er! Apologize to me and to John Lennon for making fun of the movie!
Courtney said – No! I hate you and I hate Lennon and I'm glad he was killed by Charles Manson!
Clare got really mad then, and so she drugged Courtney over to the window by her hair, and pushed her face out of it and said – Look at that, you little piece of shirt! Look at the groud down there and tell mw tou hate me and lennon and the movie one more time!
Courtney said – I hate you and the movie and lennon!
And then Clara pushed Courtney out thw window and she fell down five thousand feet to the ground, and broke into pieces.
Clara said – I always hated her.
Then Clare turned back to the class and smiled and said – Anyone else who thinks like Courntey?
Everybody said – No
Clare said – Good. Now let's go back to watching this masterpicwe of a movie.
(I know that this can't happen in school because the techer would get in trouble with the school, but I just thought it'd be a cool part and is such a Clare moment XD)
When the movie ended, all of the students were crying because of how good and emotional and affecting it was. One who was named Melody Pond said – That was the greatest movie I've ever seen. When I grow up I want to time travel and go to when it actually happened.
Clare looked at Melody, and realized she was a little River Song and said – Melody! You're a little River Song, aren't you?!
Melody said – I am, but not yet. I don't even know who River Song is yet because I'm still a kid and this is before Let's Kill Hitler happened.
Clare looked sad and said – Oh. I thought maybe you were cool River Song but not the SJW Brig finishis version, but I guess hot.
Then Clare started to tell all of the class about the times she had sax with Jane Asston. She said – I went back in time and had sax with Jane Asston a lot of times, you know. She was a cool writer and an even better saxer and I loved doing it with her and I have pictures here!
And then Clare showed the pictures to the students and Melody thought they were cool but some fo the students were dumb and didn't get it.
After this Clara gave a test to the stufents about Jane Asston and her dating her and stuff and then she decided she was bored of teching and let all of the students leaf two hours early.
As Melody was going to walk out, Clare grabbed her arm and said – Melody wait!
Melodt turned and said – What is it miss Oswalt?
Clare said – When you grow up and are River Song can we do sax?
Melody said – Okay sure.
Then Melody laft and Clara stayed behind in the classroom and did some studying on Jane Asston and stuff. But then the guy who looked like Mat Smith who she thought was hot came by and said to her – The principal wants to see you Clare.
And so Clare said – Okay.
And then Clara went to the pirncial's office and sat down and said – Hello Principal Hartness.
Principal Hartness said – Please, Clare, call me John. Everybody else dows ad I think it's a cool name, like John Nathan Turner who was a really cool guy.
Clare said – Okay, then. Hello Principla John Hartness.
John smiled and said – Much better, thank you. Now then, I want to tell you why I wanted to see you in my office here today after the classes were done.
Clare said – Good because I don't know why you wanted to see me in your office here today after cass was don and I was wondering if maybe it was something bad.
John frowned and said – IT IS SOMETHING BAD!
Clare said – What?! I am good techer!
John frowned more and said – Well I heard that today you platyed an not for kids movie in the classs and pushed a student out the window! This is not good or allowed here!
Clare said – You're just a bastard with no sense of what's cool! The Wall is a gool movie and Courntey deservied it, the little bith!
John said – Maybe, but I am a principal and mean and so I don't fucking care! The rules are all I care about!
Clare stood up and said – Fuck the rules, and fuck you!
John stood up and said – Okay, fuck me! But I heard you alsos aid some creepy and not apprioiate things to Melody Pond earlier today, and that's not good or right!
(John is actrually right here, because Clare shouldn't have said thousse things because they're bad, and even though she's write about the Wall and Coutney, she's wrong about this. The reason I did this is because MY CHARACTERS HAVE ACTUAL DEPTH AND LAYERD TO THEM, UNTIL STUPID CHINBALLS ONE DIMMENSIONAL CHARAFTERS WHO HAVE NO ACTUAL GAYS AND ARE ALL BLACK AND WITE AND EITHER 100% GOOD OR 1005 BAD. CLARE IS GOOD AND BAD HERE AND JOHN HARTNESS IS GOOD AND BAD HERE, BECAUSE PEOPLE AREN'T ALL ONE THING, CHINBALL YOU NINCOMPOOOP.)
Clare said – I don't care, Melody is little River Pond and if you knew about Let's Kill Hitler and all the other stuff with her you'd know that what I said was okay and fits with me as a person!
John said – That doesn't matter, Clara! Just because she will grow up to be someone you like doesn't eamn it's okay to talk to her like that right now, or any of your other students for that matter!
Clare said – Fuck you John. Just fuck up.
John said – Seriously, Clare. This is the fifth student this year! If you dp this one more time I'ml going to fire yu!
Clare remembered what hapepend with her nanny job, and decided she ddin't want to risk that happening again, so she just said – Okay, Principal John Harness, I will do what you say. I won't talkto studnety like that again.
John said – Good. We already lsot the PE techer , Dan, when he got run over by a drunk driver heroin qddict fifteen year old last yewar, snd we lost the previous principal during that thing with the coach with the dragon tatoo, and we lost the coach with the dragon tatooo, and the teacher Mrs. Qual is gone now, and we can't lose anoyher teacher. Okay, Clare?
Clare said – Okay.
John said – Will you be a good techer for me, please? Prtty please?
Clare said – O-fucking-kay, bich. Leave me alone.
Then Clare Oswald storned out, slamming the door behind her as she left and breaking it so rhat Princopial Hartness had to geta new door. Leaving school, she drove to Melodt Pond's orphan house and said – Get in my car, Melody. It's time for some teacher student aone time.
Meldoy said – Okay.
Then Melody got in and Clare said – We're going to use my car to time travel to World WWar 2 so you can kill Hitler and become River Song, okay?
Melody said – Okay that sounds like a good plan, but hoe can your car travel through time?
Clare said – Because it's a TARDIS that I stole from Gallery!
(That was in Hell Bent, which is underrated, and inbetweent then and now it stopped being a diner and became a car.)
Then the CARDIS drove through a building and into time ad into the past and they were in the past.
Melody said – Woah! This is the past! World War 2 past, too!
Clare said – Yeah! Let's Kill Hiter, and then you can regenerate and we can do sax ands tuff!
Then a Nazi spotted the car and said – EICH SLONG VOCK SHUP ROZ!
Melody said – What did he say?!
Clare said – I don't know, I don't speak fucking Jermane!
Then Clare ran over the Nazi with the car and ran over a bunch of other Nazis too, and Melody grabbed them as they passed and shoved their heads down under the car so they exploded and said – We're inglorious, you basterds!
(Like the movie, which isn't Doctor Who but would have been a great Dotor Who episode, and I really think Quenton Toronto should direct an episode of Dcotor Who because h e's so col and mature and gory and sweary and Doctor Who needs more of that, really, if it's going to stay important. It used to actually have sme of that in the olden days of the show, when the Hartnle and Troton doctors were around, but then people got uoset aout it so they got rid of those episodes and pretendsed like it never append even though those epsiodes were actullly full of swearting and blood and saxc and stuff. The VNAs and books like that did it too, and they were cool, but then newer show usually odens't do that stuff so little BABIES can warhch it, and that' snot great but sort of makes esne. You can't just have the Doctor having sax and swering and shooting people on tv when kids might se it, really. But that doesn't mean he can't or shiouldn't do those things.)
After this Clare and Melody drove the CARDIS right to the Nazi House (which is like the White House or Buchkingbam papalce, but it was for the Nazis and it was where Hitler lived and stuff.) And thrn they ran in and Clare said to one of the Nazis – ARE YOU HITLER?! WE'RE HERE TO KILL HITLER!
The Nazi said – No I am bot Hitler, I am Hitelr's secretary.
Clare said – WHERE IS HITLER?!
The secreetarty said – He is upstairs in his jacubi.
Clare said – Thank you.
Then she shot the secretary, because she was still a Nazi and Nazis are bad. Then she and Meldoy ran upstairs and found Hitler in is Jacubi and said – YOU DIE HERE HITLER!
Then Clare handed a gun to Melody and said – Kill Hitler, Melody! Hill him!
Then Melody shot Hitler and he died.
Clare said – Hurrah! Goo job, Meldoy! Now yu can regnerateinot River Pond!
But then, HITLER began rengengerating, not Melody.
Melody said – That's not right!
Then Hitler laughed and said – Oh but it is! For you see, I, Hitler, an acrually the MASTER!
Clare was shocked. She didn't know the Master had been a guy before. When the Hitler Master finished refngerating, he said – Now, this is much better.
Then Melodt was socked and said – But that's not the Master or Hitler! That's my friend Amy's boyfriend, Rory!
The Master laughed and said – Not yet I'm not! But I'm glad you told me so I can know who I can be soon, thank you!
Clare said – But how can you be Rory and the Master and Hitler?!
The Master said – Well you see when I fought the Doctor the last time I was killed but then I went to the 40s and I got better and put on a fake mustahe and protended to be Hitler, and everyone thought I actually was. The real Hitler diedin 1940, when I shrunk him into a little doll. And now that I'm renegatied, I will go and time travel to the future and prtended to be this Rory Williams person you meitoned, until I travrl with the Doctro and kill him!
Melody cried and said – But Rory is my dad! So the Master is my dad? And Hitler is my dad?
Clare said – It doesn't matter! What matters right now,l little missy, is you. You need to renerrtate so you can be the awedome River Song and we can fo stuff together. So I'm sorry, but I have ot hshoot you.
Then Clare took out her backup gun, and shot Melody. Melody regerated into River Song, and then she looked at the Master and said – Hello Dad.
Then River Pond shot the Master in the face and he died and fell into the jacubi. And then she and Clare kept shooting him oer and over again, sortof like Inglorus Basteedss again. When they were fdone, they got into Clare's CARDIS and left, and whnt and kissed and stuff.