Chapter 5: The Revenge of Jack the Ripper
When the Doctor, Raz, and Wilf decided to go somewhere for another adventure, the Doctor thought about his quest and thought it would be good to go and see his old friend Leela from the olden days, because she might be his mother and so might be important to his quest. (If you don't know that than obviously you haven't read Longbarrow, which you should read because it is good and not stupid like the SJW stuff beig made bnow days.) So when Wilf asked – Doctor, where are we going?
The Doctor said – We're going to my home planet, to visit someone who might be my mom. We're going… to Gallery.
With that, Raz said – Fuck yeah!
Then Raz did a fistpump and they all went to the concsole and flew the TARDIS to Galllery and then they got out and looked around.
The Doctor said – This doesn't look like I remember it!
That was because Gallery was covered in ads and posters for products and things, and the Doctor hared that because it's awful and makes things to capalaitstic and that's annoying, even though capitalism is better than communism or stupid socialism which is really just communism for people who want to seem like they're not insane even thoghh they are. Wilf said – Fuckin ell Doc, was with all of these soda adds and shit?
Raz said – No so fuckin worthy, is it?
The Doctor frowned and said – I hate it. My planet is stupid and dumb and always does bad things, but for some reason I always vome back and am surprised all oer aain that they've been idots. Anyway, let's find Lella.
With that the Doctor led his companions away, towards the house where Lella and her uhsabnd Andred lived. When they got there, the Doctor rang the doorbell.
Someone inside the house said – Who's there?
Wilf replied – Doctor Who! Doctor Who is who's here!
The Doctor smiled at Wilf and said – You're so funny, Wilfy poo.
Then, he grabbed a hold of Wilf's arm and gavw him a hug right before the door opened. Turning to look at the person who opened it the Doctor said – Lella! My maybe mom! It's so glad to see you!
With hat, the Doctor and Wilf and Raz walked in.
Lelal said – Hello again, Doctor. These must be new friends of yours. Who are they?
Wilf said – My name's Wilf.
Raz said – And I'm Razor fucking Awesome. Whoever you are, you're shit compared to me. I bet the Doctor didn't even sax you.
The Doctor looked embarrassed and said – Anyway, it's nice to see you agan Leeela. How have you been?
Lella said – Well, I've been good and my baby has been good, but Andred saidly died about two years ago.
The Doctor said – Oh no! How?
Leela said – He got space polio. It's like normal Earth polio, but worse cause it comes from outer space and turns hyour brains into mush.
Wilf said – I'm so sorry.
Leela said – It's okay. My child and I have been doing well, and I even got remarried recently!
The Doctor said – Oh? Who is the lucky new man?
Lella smiled and said – You can see for yourself! He should be home any minute.
Just then, the front door opened and in walked a familiar fac e to the Doctor that he never had thought he'd have seen again.
The Doctor said – You! It's YOU!
The man smiled and said – Yes, Doctor. It is I. Your old friend Adric!
The Doctor said – But this doesn't make sense, you died! I made sureyou did by leaving you on the Cyber ship so you would crash!
Adric said – Well you did, yes, but what you did not know was that on that space ship was the secret to living on after death, and so in the brief time between me getting left there and me crashing into the Earth, I read the secrets and did it myself so thateven though I died, I yet still live on as a zombie!
The Doctor turned to Lella and said – How could you have married a zombie, Lella? How?!
Lelela said – Well he was very cute for a zombie, and afrer the bbaby was bron it was clear that no one else would ever want to marry me because I already had a baby.
Wild said – But I had five babies and stlll married someone else, how is the baby a reason that no one would marry you?
Adric said – Because of who the baby was, Wilf.
The Doctor said – Who was the baby? Wasn't it me?
Adric said – No, Doctor it wasn't. For one thing, the baby was… A GIRL!
The Doctor gasped – A GIRL?! But I thought the baby ewould be me! The baby cannot be me if it is a girl, though, because I am the Doctor and I am a MAN! Always andforver!
Raz said – And what a man you are!
Then the Doctor and Raz kissed and had sax on Lella and Adric's couch and then the conversation continued. Leela said – But the baby wasn't just a girl, Doctor. No, this baby was evenworse! For she was Vienna Salvatori!
Wilf asked – Who is that? I don't know that name at all!
The Doctor said – I do. Vieena Salvatori is a stupid noncanon SJW sad piece of pottery who doesn't desre to be on this universe, let alone the faughter of one of my best friends and step faughter of a zombie version of an annoying kid I never evenliked! That's canon by the way, I even told Tagen that I didn't like Adric!
Zombie Adric said – Well fuck you Doctor, I never liked you either. You stuck up prickwad!
Lella brooike down in tears partially because she wasupset that the two men she loved most were fighting and partially because eveeyone was being mean about her baby and partially because she was just hormonal ans hysterical and then she said – Stop it! Stop it both of you! This is not a house for fighting, it is a house for loving! And I love my baby, and I lovw the Doctor, and I love my dead husband, and I love my zombie husband, and I love Raz, and I love Wilf! So pealse, don't do these things! Don't eb mean to each ot erh and don't be nean to me!
Then, before anyone could said anyrhig or do anything, the front door burst open,and there stoof the Doctor's old rriend Borusa. Borusa said – Doctor, help! Lella's baby, Beinna, is in great danger!
Lella and the Doctor and Adric and Wilf and Raz all stood and said – What?! How?
Borusa said – The evil famous criminal Jack the Ripper has come to Gallery and kidnapped her and plans to make her his next victim in his quest to help the free masons, unless you save her!
With that, the Doctor and everyone else ran out of the house and went and found where Jack the Ripper was hiding the baby, in the old abandoned warehouse near the Doctor's childhood home. Going in, the Doctor and Raz saw Jack the Ripper and Raz yelled – Hey! You give that baby back right now you motherfucker or so help me I will cut off your balls and sow them onto your chin! (Get it? Like Chinballs the stupid writer XD)
Jack the Ripper turned the baby in his arms and said – Come and make me, you little hairy neckface!
Then he ran away, and Raz and the Doctor followed. When they dound him again, Wilf and Adric and Leela were already there, and so was Borusa although Borusa was dead because Jack the Ripper had cut his intestines out and they were on the floor and Adric was eating them because he was a zombie. Lelela said – Please, Jack the Ripper! Spare my baby! She's he only baby I have!
Jack the Ripper cackled and said – I will spare the baby, if you give me the Doctor!
The Doctor was thinking this might be a trap, and so he said – But what will yo do with me if I am given to you? Will you try to kill me? Because many people hae tried to kill me before, and I am still not dead!
Jack the Ripper cackled and said – Yes, but I have never tried to kil you before, and I rpomisne I will suceeed! And if you don't, then I will kill the baby!
The Doctor turned to Raz and said – In case antthing happens, I love tou so fcuuking much.
Raz said – I know.
Wilf said – Please be safe, Doccy.
Then the Doctor walked up to Jack the Ripper and said – Okay, I am given to you. Now save the baby and vgive it to Leela because she is the baby's morhet.
Jack the Ripper cackled and said – Alright, but she nust catch the baby!
Then, Jack the Ripper threw the baby Vienna as hard and as far as he could. Lelea was a jungle warrior though, a long time ao, so she just jumped up really high using the power of the jungle cretures and caught baby Vienaa and landed safelty. Then she said – Oh my sweet baby Vienna, how I have msised you so!
Jack the Ripper than grbbaed the Doctor and led him away. Then, when the y were alone, he said – Well Doctor? Have you guessed why I hate you? Have you gessed why I made this plan? Have you guessed WHO I AM?
The Docor said – I don't knwno and I don't cate! I'm no a very omprtant quest that is going to save me and everything, and I don't give a fuck who you are!
Then, Jack the Ripper cacked menackglginh and aaid – Oh but you should Soctor! Because I am Seargent Jack Benton!
Then, Jack the Ripper removed his hood and the Doctor saw that it really was Sergeant Benton. The Doctor gasped and said – But Sergeant Benton, why? And how did you get here?!
Sergeant Jack Benton the Ripper said – Because you were always mean to me at UNIT, Doctor! Youa always made fun of me to the Brigadier and you stole my job and made him think you werebetter and cooler than me! And then you left and he was always mad at me for not being you! It was not fair, and I hate you! So I used time travel magic and went back in time and hecame Jack the Ripper and killed people for practice and also as part of a plan for the Free Masons (that is true, look it up, Jack the Ripper was one of the Masons and it was all part of their evil plans), all so I could train oto kil you! Then I came here to Gallery when I knew you were here, and kdipanepd the baby so that now I can kill you!
Then, Sergeant Benton ran at the Doctor with a knife to cut him open and take out his inards and suff, but the Doctor pulled out a sonic gun and said – I'm the motherfucking Doctor, bitc!
Then he shot Benton in the hwad and his entire bodt exploeded form the force of the shock, and also just because it was a sonic bullet. Looking at the Benton Bits around gim, the Doctor shed a single solitary tear for his old friend,and thwn qhwn back to where eveeyone else waa and said goobye to Leela and Adric and got back in the TARDIS with Wilf and Raz to do more questing and to play around with Raz again.