Chapter 13) Search
A/N: I'm not quite happy with the title for this one, but nothing else really clicked for me.
CONTENT WARNING: This chapter depicts a character suffering a full meltdown, and one mild instance of self-harm.
I have to keep looking.
"Ex… excuse m-me? I'm looking f-f-for s-someone. Can you h-help?"
The lone traffic warden shot Ruby a sideways glance, then went back to writing in his notepad. "I'm busy, kid. Ask someone else."
Ruby swallowed. "Please, I h-h-have to f-find h-her. Can y-you just h-have a l-look at this ph-photo?" She held out her Scroll for the warden to see.
Sighing, the warden glanced at the photo on-screen, the one of Blake that was registered to her contact number. "Haven't seen her. Can't help you."
"W-well, if y-you do-"
The traffic warden snapped his notepad shut, cutting Ruby off. "Look kid, I have more important things to deal with. Now you should be getting back home before it gets dark. It's not safe out here at night, not right now."
Before Ruby could say anything else, the traffic warden had walked away, leaving Ruby alone once again.
I have to keep looking.
The temperature was beginning to drop as the sun began to set. Shivering slightly, Ruby drew her hood up and resumed walking, keeping her eyes open for anyone else who may be able to help.
I have to keep looking.
The streets of Vale were unusually quiet. The town had been bustling earlier, full of life and noise and people like it always was. But now that evening was beginning to settle in, most everyone seemed to have gone home. Only a few people remained out and about, and only a few small shops remained open.
I have to keep looking.
Ruby might have enjoyed the tranquil atmosphere, were things not so awful.
I have to keep looking.
Over and over she repeated this thought in her head, drowning out everything else so she could stay focussed on what she needed to do.
I have to keep looking.
I have to keep looking.
I have to keep looking.
The streetlights flickered on one by one, casting long shadows across the sidewalk and bathing their surroundings in an orange glow. A shop on the other side of the street locked its doors and drew down its shutters, its business done for the day. A couple who were walking hand-in-hand picked up their pace, the two young men hurrying along as night fell over the city.
I have to keep…
Ruby was so, so tired. Her feet dragged along as she forced herself to keep on walking, to keep on looking for Blake.
She was the leader, after all. She had to keep going.
Even if she was the only one who carried on.
Clatter…
Ruby paused. Something was moving about in the alleyway beside her.
"H-hello?" She peered into the shadows, and could just about make out the vague silhouette of someone with an extra set of ears rifling through the contents of a trash can.
"Blake?" Ruby called tentatively, feeling ever so slightly hopeful that finally, after so long a search, she had managed to stumble across her wayward teammate.
The figure paused, and raised their head.
Ruby switched on her Scroll's torch and shone it into the alleyway.
"Gah! What d'you want?"
It wasn't Blake.
"S-s-sorry," Ruby mumbled. "I th-thought y-y-you w-were s-someone else…"
The girl with ears that Ruby could now see were fox ears rather than cat ears huffed, shoving the trash can aside and storming past Ruby, barging her with her shoulder and knocking Ruby's Scroll out of her hand as she did so.
"Mind your own damn business," the girl growled.
I have to… I have to keep looking.
"W-wait!" Ruby called out after her, her desperation giving her more courage than she would have ordinarily had, and her exhaustion leaving her far less cautious than she should have been. "I'm l-looking f-for m-m-m-"
The fox-eared girl spun around and shoved Ruby backwards, causing her to stumble and just barely avoid falling over. "I said mind your own damn business, brat!"
CRUNCH!
Ruby looked down. Her Scroll was underneath her boot.
"No!"
Frantic, Ruby knelt down and scooped up her Scroll… at least, what was left of it. Her boot landing on the device had cracked the screen and bent the frame. The torch light had gone out, and no matter what Ruby did, she could not get anything to work.
No Scroll. No way to contact anyone.
And as Ruby looked at her surroundings, she realised she also had no idea where she was. She had wandered into a part of town she had never been to before.
She was lost, and all on her own.
Her vision began to blur, and Ruby felt her breath hitch in her throat.
No.
She couldn't cry. She had to keep going. She had to find Blake.
I have to keep looking.
She had to find her.
I have to…
She…
I…
She was so tired.
…
Staggering into the shadows of the alleyway, Ruby slumped against the cold brick wall and slid roughly down to the ground, her back scraping painfully against the rough surface. She drew her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs, huddling into a tiny ball.
Just a small rest. Just a few minutes, then she would carry on her search…
They had waited until the following morning, hoping that maybe Blake would come back on her own, that she had just needed some time alone after what had happened.
After what Weiss had told them all, Ruby could hardly blame her.
Yang had insisted that they all try to get some sleep, and Weiss had agreed with her.
…
Ruby had tried her best to fall asleep, but it had been useless. She couldn't stop thinking about what had occurred that night. About what Weiss had told them. About how Blake had been lying to them. About why Blake had lied, and what that meant, and what else might she not know about her teammates…
So Ruby had laid awake in her bed the whole night, fighting a losing battle with her swirling thoughts.
She had stared up at the ceiling as her mind filled with images conjured by her imagination. Images of what had happened to Weiss and her brother, of Blake running away, of her sister panicking and practically yelling at her and Weiss that Blake wasn't what they were thinking…
Images of Blake wearing a white mask, blood on her sword…
Ruby had tossed and turned, looked at her Scroll, opened her journal and tried to write something but instead just stared at the page. She had tried to block out all those horrible images by reading, or playing a game, anything at all to distract her mind.
None of it had worked for very long.
As soon as the first rays of sunlight had begun to filter through the curtains, she had leapt out of her bed, and so had Weiss and Yang. She had clearly not been the only one to have had a sleepless night.
"We have to go and find her," Yang had said without even a moment's preamble.
If Weiss had had any objections, she had kept them to herself.
So the three of them had left campus, not even grabbing breakfast first, and they began to comb the streets of Vale together, hunting high and low for any sign of their missing fourth member.
They had asked everyone they could if they had seen her. Yang had even left her number with various store owners, telling them to call her if they saw anything.
Hours of searching, but no success.
"M-maybe w-we should s-split up?" Ruby had eventually suggested. "W-we could cover m-more ground that w-way."
Yang had shot that idea down right away. "No. We stick together. If we're gonna get her to come back, we all need to be there, to let her know that we all want her to stay, that we don't care about her being a Faunus."
"Speak for yourself."
Weiss had been silent the whole morning. But she spoke then with clear venom in her voice.
"Weiss, come on. Don't be like this. She's our teammate, our friend."
"She lied to us. She kept the truth about who she was hidden from us this whole time. Who's to say she's keeping any other secrets?"
"We don't know!" Yang had stressed. "And we won't ever know if we don't talk to her!"
"How can you still want her around!?" Weiss had snapped back. "How could we ever trust her!?"
Yang had rounded on Weiss after she said that, and Ruby had recoiled as she saw the furious expression on her sister's face.
"Weiss, I get it, you and your brother went through something horrible. I'm not gonna ignore that. But that's no excuse! It's not fair to tar everyone with the same brush, after all! Your words by the way, not mine!"
"She ran, Yang!" Weiss had looked just as furious. "Why would she run, if she had nothing else to hide?"
"Oh, I don't know, maybe she was afraid you would hate her for being a Faunus!?"
"Well if she really can't stand being around me, why should I try and force her back!?"
Ruby had frozen, unable to say or do anything to get the two girls to stop yelling at each other. All she could do was watch helplessly.
"You really don't care if we never find her, do you." It wasn't a question.
Weiss had just shrugged. "I just don't think we'll like what she has to say if we do. The innocent never run, Yang."
Before Yang had the chance to respond to that, Weiss had turned and walked away, vanishing into the crowd.
"Fine, go then!" Yang had screamed after her retreating form. "I'm sorry I ever felt bad for you!"
"Yang?" Ruby had stared at her sister with apprehension. Yang lost her temper plenty, but this? This was a lot more unpleasant to witness.
"Go back to the dorm, Ruby." Yang had spoken to her in such a cold, dismissive voice. "I'll find Blake."
And before Ruby could protest, Yang had walked away, vanishing into the crowd as well.
It was a rare thing indeed for the Vale dockyard to be entirely deserted at any given time. But tonight, things were different.
Thanks to the goings-on in the city centre over the last few days, most of the authorities' attention was focussed on staking out Dust shops, and with the Council continuing to debate the possibility of enforcing a curfew, the general populace had taken a surprising amount of initiative and collectively decided to just go home early.
Oh, of course, the docks had not been entirely unattended. A few workers and a single night guard had been present, but they had been dealt with easily enough.
All that remained now was to finish the job, and they would be on their way.
Now where are those bulkheads?
A moment later, the sound of engines could be heard approaching.
"Ah, right on time!"
Three bulkheads landed in a line, and all cut their engines to minimise the attention they would draw. The rear doors of all three opened, and their ramps deployed.
"Alright fellas, let's get this show on the road! Start loading everything up, and if anyone even thinks of trying to skim a little of the top, they and I will be having a nice conversation about manners."
A few of them murmured amongst themselves at that, but nonetheless began to do as instructed, opening up the marked shipping containers and starting the process of moving the cargo into the back of the small bulkhead fleet.
It was honestly quite amazing just how easy it had been to get away with this for as long as they had. A few bribes were all that had been required to ensure that they had enough storage for all the Dust they had lifted from across the city, and no-one had even thought to search the docks for any sort of stockpile of stolen goods, allowing them to remain under the radar for months.
Had they had a little more time, perhaps they could have expanded this little racket to include a few other targets? A jewellery store, a few nightclubs, or maybe even a bank…
Ah, well. There'll be other chances, in other Kingdoms.
"Torchwick?"
Roman Torchwick didn't bother to turn around. "What is it, Perry? I tell ya, it'd better be good news. I do not appreciate it when my good moods get ruined."
"Uh, we underestimated how much space we had in the bulkheads. There's not enough room for all the cargo."
Roman laughed. "Well, that's a first! We actually managed to steal too much!"
"More like you failed to acquire enough ships for us to use," growled a much less friendly voice.
Roman rolled his eyes, before turning to face the tall, muscular man who had approached alongside Perry.
"You said three, you paid for three, so I got you three. If you wanted another ship, you should have asked for it up front, big guy."
Like everyone else in their gang, the towering Lieutenant had his face covered by a white mask. His, however, covered his entire face, not just his eyes.
"Have care how you speak, human. The White Fang does not tolerate disrespect."
Roman spun his cane and aimed the barrel directly in the Lieutenant's face without missing a beat.
Several other White Fang soldiers aimed their own weapons at Roman, but he paid them no mind.
"I say what I want to whoever I want, whenever I want to say it," Roman quipped smoothly. "You can put on that 'big scary Faunus' act to frighten the little kids if you want, but if you wanna ruffle my feathers, you're gonna have to try a little harder than that."
With a flourish, Roman twirled his cane on his finger and set it back down by his side, leaning casually upon it as he smirked up at the Lieutenant.
"But let's not get all bent out of shape. We're all friends here, aren't we?"
The Lieutenant growled once again. "We would never associate with the likes of you if we had any other choice. Do not be mistaken, Roman Torchwick: we are not allies."
Roman chuckled. "Happy to hear how much you care. Now then, how's about we fix our little 'luggage space' issue?"
Roman turned to face the row of bulkheads. "Neo! I got a little job for ya!"
The pilot's-side door of the middle bulkhead slid open, and out hopped Roman's diminutive younger sister and partner-in-crime. Parasol in hand and a smile on her face, she skipped over to Roman's side and shot him a curious look.
"If memory serves me correctly," Roman mused. "There was another bulkhead parked in the loading bay on the other side of the docks. Be a darling and go fetch it for us, would ya?"
Neo cocked her head to one side and signed a brief response back to Roman:
[What happened to keeping a low profile?]
[Not my fault this time], Roman signed back.
Neo just rolled her eyes at that, but nonetheless skipped off to do a little hotwiring.
"There we go! Problem solved!" Roman withdrew a cigar from his pocket and lit it up, taking a big puff on it and letting the smoke out in such a way that it blew towards the Lieutenant's face.
"Don't you have work to do?"
The Lieutenant said nothing. He simply stared at Roman for a moment, before turning and making his way back towards the rest of his crew.
"Sheesh, that guy needs to lighten up a little. Right, Perry?"
"Uh, I should probably get back to work as well," Perry replied.
"Right you are, my bespectacled friend," Roman quipped. "Come on, chop-chop."
Perry shuffled off, returning to his position and assisting with the loading of the cargo.
Roman took another long puff of his cigar, sighing contentedly as he watched his latest job go off without a hitch.
It had been a good day.
Ruby had not gone back to the dorm like Yang had asked. She had stayed out in Vale, alone, and searched all day long.
She had wandered the streets without any real idea of where to potentially look or where she was really going. She asked anyone she could if they had seen anything, police officers and shop owners and random passers-by.
But no-one had seen anything. Either that, or they just didn't care enough to spare Ruby much attention.
So she had just continued to search. She walked and walked and walked, but she couldn't walk any more. She was running on no sleep, no food, and everything that had happened over the last day and a half had left her mind spinning and her emotions in total disarray.
Ruby had nothing left. All she could do was huddle in on herself in a cold, dark alleyway and grapple with her own monumental mistakes.
Some leader she had turned out to be.
She hadn't known anything about her own teammates. She had been blind to everything that they were dealing with, because she had been too wrapped up in herself, as always. Too consumed by her own doubts and insecurities to realise just how bad things were, and now it was too late to fix it.
Weiss had been through hell. How she was still able to even function after that had happened to her was incredible. But when she had been having a bad day, when she had been upset with Ruby, what had Ruby done? Made excuses for her own shortcomings and ignored the rest. She hadn't even asked Weiss what had been bothering her that day. No, Weiss had been the one to reassure Ruby instead.
And then there was Yang, who Ruby constantly had to lean on for everything. All her meltdowns, all her nervous moments, Yang had to pick her back up after every single one. Even now, at Beacon, Yang still had to take care of her. She was fifteen, and still she needed her big sister to tell her it was all going to be OK. But what about Yang herself? When had Ruby ever helped her sister in return? No, all she had ever been was a burden. Yang had been struggling too, and Ruby had ignored it.
And Blake! She had wanted to get to know the other girl better, maybe even bond over their shared interest in reading. But Ruby had been too scared to try and approach her, just like she always was whenever she met someone new. Had she and Blake even shared a single proper conversation in all the time she had known her? Clearly not, or she would have noticed that the other girl was afraid as well, afraid of her team, so afraid that she hid her real identity from them all because she felt she couldn't trust them.
I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry everyone…
She was the leader of Team RWBY. She was supposed to be the one who kept everyone together. She was the one who should have been there for them, to listen, to help.
Instead, she had let it all fester. Let her sister struggle to hold it all together in her absence. Let all of them suffer alone, because she was too much of a failure to be of any use to anyone.
Even now, when they needed her to step up more than ever, what was Ruby doing? Sitting in an alleyway, feeling sorry for herself.
Pathetic.
Useless.
Worthless.
Ruby's eyes burned with tears.
It's all your fault. You let this happen. You should have done more.
But she hadn't. She hadn't done anything at all.
More and more thoughts began to swirl around in Ruby's head. Images of all the mistakes she had made.
Weiss comforting her, when she should have been comforting Weiss. Yang having to step in over and over to handle all the things she couldn't handle herself, including her own fracturing team. Blake running in fear because Ruby hadn't been kind enough to make her feel welcome…
Ruby began to breathe faster, shallower. Her heart was pounding, her chest was tight and painful, and her stomach twisted violently with nausea.
More images, more thoughts joined the growing spiral. Her sister looking exhausted. Weiss on the verge of tears. Blake pale and shaking.
It was getting hard to breathe. Ruby began hyperventilating, the tightness in her chest increasing and the roiling feeling in her stomach making her head spin even more.
Yet more images. Yet more thoughts. A young Weiss screaming as a knife was held to her face, Blake in a mask standing over a body, Yang telling her that she wished Ruby had just stayed home and never followed her to Beacon and ruined her life…
All your fault, all your fault, all your fault all your fault your fault your fault your fault yourfaultyourfaultyourfaultyourfaultyourfault-
A car went past, the sound of its engine screaming in Ruby's ears, stabbing at her eardrums and hammering her skull.
Ruby clamped her hands over her ears, but the noise in her head would not be blocked out.
Horrible images and words and thoughts swirled around and around and around in her mind and it was all her fault and it was all so loud and it was all her fault and it made her feel sick and it was all her fault and it just wouldn't stop they wouldn't stop they wouldn't leave her alone she couldn't make them go way she was sick she was scared she was alone she couldn't breathe-
She screamed until her throat hurt.
She hit her head over and over with her open palms, pounding her skull until it throbbed with pain.
But it didn't help. Nothing helped. The noise in her head just kept on building, kept on spiralling around and around and around. She couldn't drown it out, couldn't drive it away. It just kept going, assaulting her over and over and-
Something grabbed her, held her wrists tight and stopped her from hitting herself anymore.
She panicked. She screamed and pulled and tried desperately to get away-
Something else grabbed her shoulders, forcing her to stay still, making her panic rise even more. She was trapped.
Something else touched her face. Softer, gentler, not so rough and painful.
She heard a voice speaking to her.
"… can hear me, I need you to slow down your breathing…"
Slow her breathing?
Right, she could do that. She knew how to do that.
In for four seconds, hold for one, out for three.
It was hard. Really, really hard. Her chest hurt so much.
In for four seconds, hold for one, out for three.
Her breaths were strained, and shaky, and laboured. She wasn't quite able to keep to the rhythm that she had been taught.
In for four seconds, hold for one, out for three.
"That's it," the voice said. "You're doing great. I think we can let go of you, now."
The hands on her wrists and shoulders withdrew.
"Keep it up. Keep breathing slowly, kid."
In for four seconds, hold for one, out for three…
The tightness began to loosen. The noise in her head faded away into the background, slowly but surely.
A voice spoke, a different one from before.
"What now? Is there something else we should do?"
Ruby opened her eyes, and looked up at the people who had helped her.
Two girls, slightly older than she was. One had green hair, another had hair that was a dark greyish-brown. They looked familiar somehow…
"Ruby Rose, wasn't it? Do you remember us?"
That was it, she had met them yesterday, when they had been shopping. Emerald and Cinder, from Team CMNE.
"Y-yes… I r-r-remember y-you."
Cinder smiled. "It seems that you're back to normal, now. At least, I hope so?"
Ruby nodded. 'Normal' was never the word she would use to describe herself in any situation, but she was no longer mid-meltdown, which was probably what Cinder had been asking her.
"So, should we, like, call someone for her?" Emerald asked. "We probably shouldn't just leave her here."
Cinder withdrew her Scroll from her jacket pocket. "Miss Rose, who should I contact for you? Your teammates?"
Her teammates…
Ruby felt tears well up in her eyes once again as she was reminded about her team, and the situation that she was still in the middle of.
Swallowing hard and stifling a sob, Ruby wiped her eyes before her tears could fall. "N-no," she said thickly. "N-not them…"
She would not dump yet another problem on her sister like that.
"OK then, someone else?" Cinder asked.
Ruby shook her head. "I'm f-f-fine."
"No you're not," Emerald said bluntly. "Come on, kid, we're not leaving you here by yourself. If there's no-one else, we'll call you a ride back to Beacon."
Cinder shot Emerald a look. "A little tact goes a long way, Emerald. Do try to be a bit more civil, especially when we're helping people."
Emerald rolled her eyes. "Whatever."
Was there anyone else? Aside from her teammates, who else could Ruby call?
Jaune?
Pyrrha?
She didn't really know them very well. In fact, she wasn't even sure she had their numbers in her…
Well, even if she did have them, that didn't matter now. Her Scroll was busted, after all.
…
Penny…
Could she really bother her new friend over something like this? That really didn't seem fair to her, to call her out to come and collect Ruby because she had had a meltdown. That wasn't something she should have to deal with.
…
I should just say no…
"Penny. Y-you can call Penny."
Cinder nodded. "What's her number?"
Hello again to you all. And hello to any new readers. I'm Not Scot.
Well, this one wasn't exactly fun to write, and I imagine it wasn't much fun to read either, but hopefully it was effective.
I tried my best to portray Ruby's meltdown as realistically as I possibly could while still having it be coherent enough to understand what she was experiencing. It's... rather difficult to describe to people what a meltdown feels like in the moment, because everything is so overwhelming that it's almost impossible to really grasp any of it, besides how horrible it feels. Plus, everyone is different. How one person would describe their meltdowns can be very different from how someone else would describe them.
Not everyone hits themselves, either. And even the explanations for that can differ from person to person. One person might say that hitting themselves is a way to try and ground themselves and stop the spiral, while another might not even remember that they were doing it at all because they were so caught up in the other sensory overload.
Long story short, I do not speak for everyone when I talk about this. My experiences are mine and mine alone. I just decided to use them as a foundation to build my alternate version of Ruby around, while adding a few bits here and changing a few bits there in order to make her into her own character, rather than just using her as copy of me to project my own experiences onto wholesale.
That said, I would be interested to hear if what I have described sounds familiar to anyone else out there. I don't personally know a lot of people like me, so maybe my way of describing all of this is completely alien to you all, but if even one other person out there in the wide world reads this and sees something that they can recognise…
I'm probably getting way too personal here. I should move on.
Roman was fun to write. He's so entertainingly smug about everything he does, and I was genuinely disappointed when he died back in Volume 3. I get it, he's the starter villain, and he really doesn't work as a long-running antagonist once the series starts to go all cosmic horror on us, but the other villains, while great in their own ways, just don't seem to have that same… spark to them, if that makes sense.
Well, I wanna make the most of him while I can. I have a very specific end goal in mind for him, and I think you're gonna like it. I won't give anything away just yet, though. Don't wanna ruin the surprise.
Plus, this author's note has gone on for a while now, so I should probably wrap this up.
Next chapter will be what I like to call the 'pre-climax', where the stage gets set for the final act. After that, the final two chapters of Volume One will be where things get… violent.
Right now though, it is 1AM as I am writing this final bit, and I am super tired. So before I pass out at my desk, I'll set a reminder to upload this the following day, and then I shall take my leave.
Until next time,
Not Scot.
P.S: Fun fact, if you stay awake for five days in a row, you begin to experience visual and auditory hallucinations.
You also apparently run a very high risk of death from organ failure, which I only learnt after I had submitted the assignment that had resulted in me learning the first point from experience.