Azula's journeys across the war-scarred Earth continent had worn on. Along the way, she fought soldiers who she had once called her countrymen. Her companions Mai and Ty Lee returned home to an unfamiliar country, and would soon find themselves embroiled in the machinations of the Imperial court.
It was dusk when Mai's ship finally docked in the Capital. Standing on the ship's deck, feeling the salty air whip through her hair, she looked out at the city at twilight, the glow of paper lanterns glittering the crowded waterfront streets. The spice scented air had never been so bitter. She'd left reluctantly, at Azula's insistence. Returning now, it seemed like there was nothing left for her here.
Her heart had been left on the far shores, and only a life of disgrace would welcome her here. Nothing good could come of being the companion of the archtraitor, and her father's title would do nothing to spare her the shame. As she made her way down the gangplank, she wondered if she'd even be able to call him father upon her return.
Azula had her and Ty Lee gazetted as ensigns in the Fire Army before their expedition. Not her first choice of careers but it certainly beat being an ornament in her father's manor. No doubt that commission would not be confirmed, considering who it came from. Not even the rough life of a junior noble officer to fall back on, with its paltry eight silver ban per diem.
Ty Lee was in better spirits, but then again she'd already burned her bridge with her parents and found her own way. When she hugged Mai before they parted, Mai couldn't muster the strength to resist. And when Ty Lee began to part, Mai surprised herself by wrapping her arms around the acrobat and squeezing her tight.
"Not that I mind, but what brought this on?" Ty Lee said, patting Mai's back.
"You're all I've got now," Mai whispered, "I know we sometimes clash, like oil and water. But I want you to know that you're my friend, and it's not just Azula that keeps us together."
"Aww, you too Mai. You know, you don't have to go back if you don't want to, I know some people who can put us up."
"No, I need to face the music sooner or later. I might as well get it over with. Though, if you could write down the address, I might be calling on you sooner rather than later."
Ty Lee scribbled directions into Mai's journal. The calligraphy was quite elegant, even for just a charcoal pencil. "There! I'm sure it'll be alright, Mai. I've often found that no matter how hard the situation gets, if you go into it assuming you'll figure a way out of the mess, you'll make it through somehow."
"At this point, I'm open to trying anything."
"You take care, dear."
"You too."
Mai walked briskly home, filtering through crowds of commoners and processions of young nobles born in palanquins by their servants. She'd left almost a year ago with Azula and Ty Lee, chaperoned by Prince Iroh, and now she found herself a stranger in her homeland. Here in the prosperous districts of the Capital, nothing had changed in her absence. The nobility and the nouveau riche still went to balls, plays and feasts, their gaiety untouched by the hands of war.
For a year, in places across the Fire Nation, the Colonies, the occupied Earth Kingdom, the war had touched every blade of grass. Everywhere except here. Mai found herself a stranger in her own country now, because the journey had left its indelible mark on her.
She reached her father's manor, finding the house dimly lit, with none of the usual fanfare of his usual Shanivar garden parties. No doubt he's sulking in his disgrace, Mai thought bitterly, and let herself in. The gardens were wilting already, and some wicked part of Mai delighted in her family's seeming ruination. Ukano–he'd lost the right to demand parental deference–had always pushed her to intertwine her life with the royal family, to use her friendships as a tool to seduce the boy he'd considered the heir-presumptive, efforts which if anything only throttled the genuine affection between Mai and Zuko. Ukano had made his bed, and now he must lie in it.
The garden entrance was unlocked, a tremendous oversight that Mai would address with the chamberlain quietly, if only because right now the thought of undermining Ukano's authority brought some measure of delight to her cold world. But the manor was so very quiet tonight, no lights behind the curtains, not even the babbling of her baby brother.
Only the pale glow of a fire in the inner courtyard illuminated the interior. Mai stormed through the house, intent on getting this over with now. Her eyes went wide and her heart pounded as she parted the curtains to find the courtyard haunted by the doppelganger of Azula.
Her rushing heart slowed. It was not the princess. As her eyes adjusted to the bright bonfire in the great kettle-shaped brazier, Mai started to note the differences. "Zeisan," she said, "To what do I owe the honor of your visit."
The woman smiled uncannily. They were related, Azula and Zeisan, but no doubt her appearance and affect was that most sincere form of flattery. Her face was subtly narrower, her nose aquiline. She kept her dark brown hair fully tied back in a noble top-knot, with no bangs to frame her face. Save for her enviously green eyes, though, Zeisan could probably have passed for the princess except among her closest companions. "Oh Lady Mai," Zeisan said, "Can I not just make a social call on an old friend?"
Her voice sent shivers down Mai's spine. Whereas Azula was oblivious to the more sublime effects her presence and commanding tone could beckon, Zeisan courted those treacherous delights deliberately. Like the Azula who would sometimes reside in Mai's most private of dreams. "Still, old friend, women of our station usually follow protocols of politeness before calling upon one another."
"Oh but I have, Mai. Go ahead, ask me. I'm sure you're dying to know."
"Where is my father?"
"He is away right now, you see. What with all that's been going on in the empire, there's been some shakeups. Oh, so busy! I'm sure you have some inkling into how much news has been filtering into the Caldera; not all of it good."
A pit formed in Mai's stomach. Had it really gotten so bad? Had she walked into a trap? "Where has he been taken?"
"Oh? My word, you really haven't heard yet? Surely a bright girl like you could work things out."
"Just tell me, no more games."
"Your lord father seems to have risen well above your misfortune, Mai. The Fire Lord has recognized his years of service, and dispatched him to serve as governor of the newly captured city of Omashu. Rumor is there might even be a dukedom in it for him, but I don't follow the court gossip."
It was such a blatant lie flawlessly delivered. Mai took a moment to let her heart stop racing, then approached Zeisan. Zeisan sat cross-legged on Ukano's favorite chair, fingers steepled in her lap. "I'll be sure to toast my father's fortune, but that does not answer my question. What are you doing here?"
"Oh, with all the urgency, someone had to look after the manor here. I quite happily volunteered my services, after my father made the introduction. After all, how better to catch up with an old friend?"
"I'm sure you have a more prosaic reason to be here than preventing what's left of the household staff from running off with the silk curtains."
"Oh indeed! Well met, Mai, I always knew you were smarter than you looked. This concerns our mutual friend the Crown Prince."
"If this is one of your lord father's schemes–"
"Afraid not. It's actually the most troubling news. A hawk came express from the Shuǐshān front, and I figured a friend of the royal family would want to know right away." Zeisan grinned wickedly, "It seems there was a showdown between brother and sister."
Mai's heart clenched. What happened to them?; The words almost escaped her tongue. "Is the Crown Prince alright?"
"Physically, yes. But his pride must surely be wounded, for not even with a battalion of the Life Guards at his side could he triumph over the traitor-princess. Azula arrived in the regalia of a Water Tribe savage, fae-touched and fire-spitting, and defeated Zuko, forcing their withdrawal."
"That…it can't be."
"Can you believe it? She who was once the paragon, caked in their barbarian war paint, howling like a wolf? I didn't think she had it in her, but people can surprise you."
Mai shook her head. She sauntered around Zeisan's chair. "And what do you expect me to do with this information, Zeisan? Do you expect it to break me?"
"My friend, I only wish to allay whatever doubts you might have that your companion is a traitor."
"Is that so?" Mai stood behind Zeisan, who glanced up at her smug as a snake before looking back at the omens in the fire. Mai struck like lightning, yanking Zeisan's head back by her topknot, flashing a gleaming steel blade to her throat. Fear danced over Zeisan's face. "Ah, there it is! The one thing of Azula's you'll never be able to copy: her indomitable courage. If I had done that to Azula, she'd have stared back at me without a twinge of fear. And believe me, I have done it to her, when we trained together."
Zeisan regained her composure. No doubt the girl had deduced that if Mai had meant to harm her, there would have been no monologue. In this moment of fire and steel, Mai hated her all the more for her likeness, her uncanny beauty. Because she might never gaze into Azula's eyes like this again. "I must admit…this is rather unlike you," Zeisan forced out.
"I am not the girl you used to know. I have walked the lands of ash, seen the charnel house that is the battlefield. I have endured fire, hunger and the long march to get where I am. You. Do. Not. Scare. Me. Neither does your father, the Lord Chancellor." Mai gave another tug to her top-knot, then let her go. The knife returned to its hidden scabbard. "You may take your leave of my house."
"Would that I could, Mai." Zeisan hopped to her feet. When she turned to face Mai, she breathed in, dampening the flames. As she exhaled, the wall sconces lit. "But I am to remain here, on the order of your lord father and the Fire Lord. Surely you can see how important it is to allay any suspicions about where your loyalties lie, especially now that your father is not here." She smiled with fake innocence. "I'm sure we'll get along quite well as housemates."
Azula stood on the edge of the tall white cliffs, gazing out over the northern polar ocean. The waves below whipped into white froth on the beach. After so many weeks, the princess was once again looking off at the edge of the world, one last jaunt away from Agna Qel'a, the glittering capital of the Northern Water Tribe.
She'd come this far by slinking through the shadows and hiding behind a pseudonym, watching people glare and turn their noses at the presumed half-breed girl "Na-yeon". But no more hiding. Azula would now have to march straight into the capital city of Fire Nation's bitterest foe from long before the time of Sozin and proclaim herself openly.
Azula pulled the shawl closer. Maybe she'd gotten too used to hiding on the journey north. But she couldn't imagine they'd greet her warmly, Avatar or not. And from henceforth there could be no more hiding.
Suki brushed out Ikki's coat while the two girls waited. Azula looked out at the city just on the eastern horizon, watching the smoke from chimneys rise up in the chilly autumn air. It would be a long flight, at the very limit of Ikki's endurance. If at all possible, they needed somewhere safe to stable the sky bison and feed her well so they could all rest up for the grueling voyage. Better under a roof than hiding in the wilderness.
Katara and Sokka returned from their scouting just as the sun began to set. The two siblings beamed. "Well good news," Sokka said, panting from the jog.
"The city is still under Earth Kingdom control for now, so no wanted posters. Inn prices are high though," Katara chimed in.
"Seems like they've been eaten out of house and home by tithes to Ba Sing Se and the Royal Army. But we should have coin enough."
Suki brushed herself off. "Well, let's get headed in then! I've been so looking forward to a real bed."
Katara glanced at Sokka and rolled her eyes, "That's not all you've been looking forward to."
Azula allowed herself a giggle as the two siblings started bickering again. Sokka didn't seem to approve of the fling with Jet and wasted no time bringing him up. But for Azula the sting had gone out of his name.
The city of Beiping was an old merchant city-state under the dominion of the King in Ba Sing Se. This loose dominion had only grown looser since the war began. So long as the merchant princes paid the city's tithes in men and resources to Ba Sing Se, they ran the mid-sized city as they saw fit. It was not a relationship free from resentment. As Azula made her way through the city's main gates, the scars from the last sacking by the Fire Nation were still etched into the stone.
The guards wore a different shade of green on their uniforms, with the hànzì of the city's name embroidered on the tabard. The men were taller and more willowy than they'd been further south, and some had stony gray eyes. They looked at Azula's forged papers with only the most cursory of inspections. The only impediment was all the poking and prodding they did to poor Ikki.
"I know a man who will pay gold for your beast." The captain glanced down at the passport tugged between him and Azula, "Miss Na-yeon."
"And I suppose you'd earn yourself a finder's fee." Azula did not take her eyes off the man who towered over her. "Ikki is not for sale."
"Shame. Real sky bison is a rare thing. Some say they've all been wiped out."
"All the more reason not to part with her." Azula tugged the passport out of his hand and slipped it into her travel cloak. "Now, if you could kindly point me to a livery. We have business to attend to."
The captain knew when to cut bait. Azula studied his words and his body language for any sign of deception. She couldn't see any. But oh, was the constant vigilance exhausting. As she led Ikki on, the rest of the party riding on the saddle with their baggage, Ikki grumbled for the gray skies above. But Azula didn't want to attract any more attention than necessary, and continued to lead the sky bison on hoof to the livery.
If anything, Sokka had understated the ravages of the war on the city of "Northern Peace". The streets were filled with beggars and day-jobbers. The cost of the war was measured in more than silver qián. It was a price measured in absence; too little rice, too little salt, too little of everything. Even with her hard heart, Azula was stricken by the suffering on the winding roads in Beiping.
Exhausted mothers tried to scrounge what they could for their hungry children. Bitter men looked at Azula's fine silk cloak and seethed. She supposed it didn't matter that it had been taken from a dead officer. They made their way onwards, into the city square. Half-empty shops and stalls lined the open area. Some stalls were empty and abandoned, no business to be had. The prices chalked on the slates told a tale of misery; the price of fine oils and wine had remained stable, but the price of a quart of rice or millet was perilously close to a day's wages. Only after they found a stable for Ikki did Azula notice that Katara's eyes were misty with tears. She wiped them away when Azula noticed.
Board for Ikki set them back much further than Azula had wanted. But there was no point in worrying about it. The city was in for a long, hard winter, and the only thing between the populace and famine was the rationed grain dole handed out in the city square.
Azula found a more high class inn this time. It made little difference, the beds were still cheaper than the meals. It had been even cheaper when they bartered some of their spare rice with the innkeeper.
They settled into the corner booth with a bottle of soju provided on the house. "It would go bad otherwise," the middle-aged man explained, brushing off Azula's attempt to pay him. She watched the man return to his counter with a twinkle in his eye. He slumped on his stool and sighed, remembering better days when the inn was full of happy young people and not dour and flogged soldiers.
Suki sipped the fine spirits from a fine porcelain cup she'd never imagined would ever touch her lips. "I've traveled from one end of the Earth Kingdom to the other; is there no one who has escaped this stupid fucking war?"
Sokka patted her arm. "The Fire Nation I guess."
Azula shook her head. "They've started drafting people my age back in the Fire Isles. If you're richer you can buy your way out. Unless you're a Firebender." She laughed uneasily, "for the first time in our history, mother's weep when their children make their first embers."
Katara bolted her drink. "I find it hard to believe that the Fire Nation is losing as much from this war as others."
Azula rolled her eyes. "Didn't say that. Many people have made themselves exceptionally rich from the plunder in this war. Besides, Katara, you should take heart in my countrymen's suffering. It means we can win."
"Just when I think I finally understand you, you say something like that."
"The Fire Lord is the symbolic father of his people and the viceroy of the Daevas on Earth. His mandate depends on ruling with wisdom and justice. The number one concern of the past hundred years has been to ensure that the plunder trickles down to the common subject, that they go to bed with full bellies every night."
"Yeah, and?"
"What do you think they'll do when the grain from the colonies and occupied territories stops flowing? The Fire Isles haven't been food sufficient for hundreds of years. It's why the colonies were first founded generations before the war began. It's why the Fire Navy must never allow anyone to challenge its rule of the waves."
Suki turned to Azula, brow narrowed. "Azula…what are you saying?"
"It's simple, ghastly arithmetic. The Fire Nation could not beat the other nations combined." Azula began arraying the soy sauce bottle and other condiments on their table. They were arranged in a square now, with the tall bottle of soy sauce sitting in the center of the square. "Strategy of the central position: a smaller force beats a larger but divided force by occupying the middle, blocking their communications. The four commanders:" Azula tapped each of the spice jars on the edge of the square with her chopsticks, "want to combine. But they cannot, because the center intercepts their means to coordinate."
Katara nodded along. But both Sokka and Suki were engrossed immediately.
"When one marches, the center counters." Azula grabbed the soy sauce and used it to push away one of the spice pots. "When two try to combine, the center stays between, and defeats them in detail." One by one, the spice pots were pushed away."
"So they destroyed the Air Nomads at the beginning of the war so they'd only have to battle two instead of three," Suki summed it up.
"Three actually. The Northern and Southern Water Tribes cannot combine." Azula glanced up at Katara's deep blue eyes. "The Fire Navy occupies the waters in between. Where your people are strongest. But so long as the Northern Water Tribe hides in its icy fortresses, the Fire Nation wins by default."
"So you have a plan then?" Katara's eyes narrowed. "Maybe you'd like to share it with one of the Water Tribe rather than speak for them."
"I have many plans, Katara. But plans themselves are useless, but planning is everything." Azula laughed under her breath.
"What's so funny?" Sokka asked, "finally get one of my jokes?"
"No, I just remembered who taught me that. My uncle, the General-Prince Iroh, the Last Dragon of the West. I rolled my eyes when he told me that." Wistfully, Azula looked into her half-full cup, "he was more patient with me than I deserved."
Food arrived soon after, giving Azula a perfect way to change the subject. She suspected they were on edge due to hunger, but Katara had been more wary of her since she'd seen the lust for carnage in Azula's eyes during the fighting in Shuishan and the flight from that province. Katara had explained it was because she was afraid for Azula, not of her, but the princess wasn't sure if she believed that.
Sokka smacked his lips as he ate with relish. His truly disgusting table manners at some point had managed to grow on Azula. The smoked fish had cost a small fortune, but the familiar taste almost brought a tear to the young man's eyes, languishing for too long on unfamiliar landlubber food in the Earth Kingdom hinterland. She was happy, to her surprise, to see him happy.
As she tucked into the roasted eggplant, she thought of Zuko and the murder in his eyes. She'd spared him that day, tactically sound, but a weakness of mercy that would no doubt cost her in the long run. Whatever chance they'd had to be family was gone now, however she wished it were otherwise.
"Oh man," Sokka said, his mouth still full, "I haven't eaten this good since home."
Suki elbowed him in the ribs. "That's not what I remember you telling June."
Katara rolled her eyes. "I'm eating here, come on."
Sokka grinned like a shark. "There was a lot of that said too."
Azula stamped on his toes. "Gross. Once again; Sokka, Suki, I'm happy that you've found a new way to bond, but please say less about it."
"I swear if either of you find some floozy tonight, I'm going to hurl." Katara turned to Suki, "You know, you don't have to enable him."
Suki laughed, "Oh honey, he enables me."
"Please," said Sokka, "If anything I'm the one holding her back. She made a pass at you before she discovered you were my sister."
Katara blushed bright red. "Why do you have to always bring that up?"
"Oh please," Azula cut in, "I'd like to hear more about this."
"If you insist, your highness," Suki said with a mock bow, "Miss Serious here came up on her own to the Island about a year ago. So like a good leader I went to greet the ship carrying our friends from the south."
Azula smirked, "And who among us could pass by a dashing blue-eyed warrior woman?"
Katara blushed faintly, setting her hands in her lap.
"Exactly!" Suki cried. "Though she was a bit wet behind the ears still then. But she told me how Sokka had suggested she come up and meet Suki, so I started showing her a few things. We got on well. Really well."
Katara was beet red now. "See, that's all there is, let's move on to the next subject."
"Oh no, you not getting out of this one, sis," Sokka butted in.
Suki leaned in. "So when we got done, Katara was resting against the dojo wall. So I sauntered on over, planted my arm over her shoulder like this." Suki gave a perfect kabedon over Azula's shoulder. When the princess's heart pounded in time with the slap on the wall, Azula decided she could see the appeal. Suki continued; "And I put my finger under her chin like so, and tilted her head up like this, while I praised her fighting skills."
Katara buried her head in her hands.
Suki leaned in. "And just when our lips were about to touch, she pulls away and says, "I can't…my brother has a thing for you it wouldn't be fair to him."
Sokka wiggled his eyebrows. "Oh, I didn't hear this part. So you DID have a thing for her?"
Katara grabbed him by the nose and pushed his head away. Glaring, she said, "Oh no, don't stop there. You're leaving out the best part."
Suki went stiff as a board. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Uh-huh. I guess you've gotten too used to leaving out the part where you shrieked and started stammering out apologies until you literally tripped over yourself."
"It's a wonder any of you survived puberty," said Azula.
"What about you?" Sokka wiggled his eyebrows. "Hot as you are, there's no way you've managed to not get your own embarrassing story. Since you've laughed at all our expense, it's time to return the favor."
Katara pinched his ear. "Sokka! You can't just say that!"
It was the soju, Azula decided, that was making her ears and cheeks burn. Clearly. It couldn't be mere words.
Sokka tore away, "Come on, miss priss. I know it, you know it, everybody knows it."
"You can't just call people hot."
"Why not?"
"You just can't."
Azula cleared her throat. "Thank you Katara, but I'll speak for myself on this. Besides, should I not remind you, my dear friend, that on our first meeting you described me as 'a rare beauty, with suitors climbing over each other like dogs for a chance' to court me?"
Katara huffed and turned beet-red. Nevertheless, she was undaunted and shot back, "Yeah, I also had a knife to your throat when I said it. Care to go for a second round?"
"Do not threaten me with a good time." The words had left Azula's lips before she had thought on them. Hearing them out loud, her eyes went wide, and she hid behind her cup. "Please forget I said that."
Katara grinned, "I don't think I can."
"Spirits, you literally flirt with danger." Suki said, reflexively making what looked like the Surya mudra to Azula, pressing her ring finger to her palm with her thumb.
Sour bile rose up in Azula's throat. "It's all I've ever known. All I was ever allowed to be. Did I like it? Sure, I was naturally competitive and eager to please, but I seldom had time to appreciate anything in life that wasn't directly related to being a noble warrior."
It was not a full confession. There was plenty enough she'd left out, plenty she still didn't understand about herself. She felt sometimes like she was in a canoe alone in the ocean, floating above the deep blue depths of all her unconscious drives and desires. But damn did the alcohol make the words come more freely.
"If you're not comfortable, you don't have to say anymore," Katara said, her eyes bright with worry.
Azula took a deep breath. "I have not told a living soul about this aside from the palace physician. And while I would normally never dream to tell something so scandalous in mixed company, perhaps Fire Nation etiquette is not all it's cracked up to be."
Sokka nodded, hand on heart.
"So…" Azula took another deep breath. "I've already told you of my former companions Mai and Ty Lee. This…concerns the latter."
"Huh, I figured Mai was more of your type," Katara thought out loud.
"I do not have a type."
"You made the fake love interest of your cover story a gender-flipped version of Mai, name and all."
"Moving on! Ty Lee was the black sheep of an old noble family, and we became friends at the Royal Academy. Unlike her sisters, Ty Lee chose to develop her martial skills, to find a life other than what is typical of noble daughters. So naturally we would spar continually to develop our skills."
Azula closed her eyes, and imagined Ty Lee again. Stony gray eyes sparkling in the sun, her long braid dancing as she somersaulted. The smell of her hair, their futons inches apart. Close but never touching, as they slept. The sound of her laughter…and the bitterness Azula felt when people looked at Ty Lee instead of her.
"I was jealous of her hand-to-hand skills, so one day when we were fifteen I invited her to the palace and demanded that she teach me. I promised I would not use my Firebending until I'd mastered her techniques, and in return she would teach me chi blocking, defenses and counters. This went on for several days, until I was sure I was covered in more bruises than skin. But finally on the fourth day I was catching up."
Ty Lee had learned long before to not end a match when she thought Azula had enough. Such pity only ever earned a terrible tantrum from Azula. It was fine, Azula rationalized, she didn't mind the pain. The match wasn't over until she tapped out, no half measures.
"We got locked into a grapple on the ground–very undignified, I know–legs wrapped 'round each other, struggling to get each other into a submission lock. At some point, Ty Lee got me face down, with her arms around my neck."
Azula looked down at her half-empty plate, ears burning with embarrassment. "I didn't know what it meant at the time, but one of her legs was between mine for leverage. I was getting…light-headed…trying to keep her from choking me out, as she pressed down on me. I felt like electricity was coursing across my skin, like a Lightningbending misfire. And just hot, like the worst clammy summer day just before the monsoons come."
Suki's mouth formed a silent 'o'.
"I felt this sudden convulsion, and a rush of ecstasy, like I was about to pass out. I tapped out, and afterwards my legs felt like jelly. I could barely stand. Ty Lee was very apologetic, but found herself too embarrassed to say much of anything. I…think she knew more than she let on. I was scared, even if I couldn't admit it, so she suggested taking me to the palace physician. He examined me in the presence of my tutors Lo and Li."
"Azula…" Katara said, unable to find words to follow. She knew more than she had said, just like Ty Lee.
"The physician called it a 'hysterical paroxysm'. He advised that such pursuits were unsuited to the female constitution and scolded Ty Lee. I broke my oath to not Firebend that day…threatening him for presuming to discipline one of my companions. He dismissed this as further proof of my hysterical paroxysm."
Azula let out a heavy sigh. "That's not what it was, was it? Still, my father spent more time warning me about 'deviance' from then on, that spending time in such typically masculine pursuits might make me forget the proper relationship between the sexes."
It was all wrapped up so nicely. Clinical, like the physician had been. But Azula remembered, for the first time in a very long time, also crying out, leaving herself breathless even after Ty Lee had released the headlock. She remembered feeling for a moment such a warmth of tenderness to Ty Lee and wanting to just hold the girl close.
Truth long sleeping stirred, begging to be heeded. She bit her tongue as though to stop the traitorous appendage from ratting on her. "I'm sorry, that was a lie," Azula said. "Half a truth, all a lie…like my uncle would say. There's more to it than that, things I've tried to forget."
Azula hadn't just been lying to her friends. She'd been lying to herself. And for months since her father cast her out like trash, she'd been letting him regiment her mind and shackle her body.
Azula sucked soju scented air through her teeth. "My father beat me and called me a sexually inverted pervert, because for all my father's faults he is not a stupid man. He knows that 'hysterical paroxysm' is rhino-shit that doctors say to spare noble's feelings, and it only fools the stupid and wilfully ignorant."
She'd let the doctor medicalize and thus trivialize the experience for far too long. The alternative was accepting that all the court gossip was true. The Fire Lord's supposedly perfect daughter was actually defective. A deviant. A ruined woman.
Azula had treated falling in love with Katara like some old courtly romance. Chaste. Unrequited. Pure, an intellectual love, untrodden by anything base or animalistic. More lies. She couldn't keep lying to herself and her friends.
Azula gritted her teeth and tugged at her hair. The tears came soon after. "He's not even wrong, is he? I can't tell the difference between pleasure and pain sometimes, giving or receiving. I've never even touched myself lest one of the many eyes in the palace find out, and yet I come from one of my best friends choking me!"
Suki slid closer and put a comforting hand on Azula's shoulder. Sokka smiled warmly at her. Katara took Azula's hand in hers. These little gestures stopped the thin stream of tears on her cheek.
They understood. They were like her, each in their own way, different from what the world told them they should be like. But yet so beautifully brilliant, each in their own way. The flawed gem still sparkles, and Azula loved them for all their quirks. If they could be loved, then maybe she could too. Some day, when she owes no more to the future, maybe she could even be happy.
The meal wound down but they continued to chit chat about lighter subjects over dessert and piping hot cups of what the innkeeper called chicory tea. It was earthy, bitter and savory, and paired quite well with the sweet anko filled mochi.
When it came time to retire for the evening, they split off in pairs to separate rooms. A weight lifted from Azula's heart when Katara still chose to room with her. It certainly pleased Sokka and Suki, who never turned down a moment now to get the most out of the 'benefits' part of friends-with-benefits.
They settled into their futons, curled up next to the hearth. Azula sank into the futon, warm under her blanket. There was time to just relax here. They'd spend several days recovering their strength before the journey to come. Time even to forget about being the Avatar, if only for a moment, and just be a teenage girl. Nothing but summer nights on Ember Island, the cinnamon scented air washing her worries away. Beach ball and nights spend with Mai and Ty Lee, their lips inviting her…
"Hey, Azula, you still awake?"
Azula's eyes fluttered open, heavy with sleep. A wonderful dream had only just begun only to vanish into thin air. For a moment, she felt positively incendiary at the interruption. But then Katara brushed her bangs out of her eyes, and gazed into her.
"Yeah, I'm still awake," Azula fibbed, "what's on your mind?"
"We haven't had much time to talk on our own, not since Shuǐshān. Since…since Jet. You've become my best friend, and I'm afraid that somehow I've ruined that."
Azula's heart unclenched, and now she realized that she could at last breath again. It had hurt for so long, she'd almost gotten used to it. "Here I was thinking I'd ruined things." She took Katara's hand in hers, tracing her thumb over the palm.
"We should get better about talking. You made a big step earlier, and I want to do the same. About not bottling in what's bothering me." Katara's eyes flitted nervously. "We used to fall asleep right next to each other, curled up for warmth and comfort. But now there's a distance between us. And I miss that closeness."
"I do too. I was afraid of pushing a boundary, after having to work so hard to learn to treat people as my peers, not my subjects. I mean, if you wanted to come over, I think I would like that."
Katara nodded. "I would too."
It was warmer this way, in both the body and the heart. Forehead to forehead, arms around one another, legs intertwined.
"You're not bothered by me…being attracted to you?" Azula said, whisper quiet.
"Never."
Azula melted into Katara's hug.
"I'm not really ready to think about things like love, Azula. In your heart of hearts, you're secretly a romantic behind that prickly exterior, and I'm blessed to know that side of you. Maybe when this is all over, we could see if things work out as life partners."
There it was, that terrible beast that haunted her: hope. But Azula wouldn't run from it, not this time. "I'd like that."
Katara's nails raked over the bare skin of Azula's back, up to the hem of her bra. "Don't treat your body like an enemy."
"I'll try." Azula's words held more venom than she intended.
"You should. And if you think about me when you do, I think I'd be flattered." Katara smiled sweetly, without a hint of mischief.
"Oh." Azula was too warm now, skin burning against Katara's. But she didn't pull away.
"Get some sleep, we can talk more in the morning."
Azula growled impotently. There was no way her dreams were going to be pure or innocent now.
Author's Notes: Apologies for the long hiatus, I had a bought of COVID and had to get a root canal in July which pretty much destroyed my ability to focus on much of anything. But I'm back now, hoping to update regularly til the completion of Book One.