Chapter 11: Adventures of Salad Kabob Man and Friends
Inside the TARDIS the Dictor got a call from the offices that told him – Hey Doctor! Just so that you no, your old friend Clare Oswald has been fired from Cole Hill School by the Pricnipal for inaprotiae stuff!
The Doctor smashed the phone onto the console and said – Argh! How could that be done it isn't right and good! Come on Raz and Salad Kabob Man, we got some shit to do!
With aht they all went and the TARDIS flew to the school of Cole Hill and thet Doctor and Raz and Kabob smald man got out and walked in to the door and over to Principal John hartness' office. Walking in the Doctor said – Principla Hartness! Is it true you that you fired Clare Oswalt for being inaproate?
John harntes said – Yes, it is.
The Doctor said – Then fuck you! I'm the motherfuckgoinh Doctor, bifhc!
Then the Doctor got out his sonic gun and shot John hartness in the face. Then he said – Come on Raz and Kabob Salad Man, let's go!
Then they ran over back to the TARDIS and got in and Raz said – What now, Dictr? Sax?
And the Dictoris aid – Not now, Raz! Now we FUCKING BURN THIS SHIT SCHOOL TO THE FUKCING GORUND!
And Salad Kabob Man ylerled – FUCKK YEEE HHAAAAAWWWW!
Then with that they all got around the console and used it to fly the TARDIS straight into Cole Hill School, smashing through it and causing exploseions as they did so. Laughing, the Doctor did it again and again, smashibg the TARDIS into the school ovee and over and over and over and over until eventually rhe entirety of Cole Hill School fuikin exploded. Cackiling manically the Doctor said – TAKE THAT YA FUCKIN SCHOOOL! THAT'S WHAT OYU GET DOR FUCKIN FIRING MY FIREND CLARE!
Then they flewq the TARDIS over to Clare's house and the Doctor and Rax and Salad babobk man got out and wen tint o her house braking in throught he front door andt eh Doctor aid – Clare! We eid it! We fickin destroyed that shit fuckin school! Clare?
The Dotor and the other swere talking, but Clare wasn't conmign so they kept waliknin around looking for het snd they xouldnt' see her anywhere, so Raz said – Maybe she is outside and we should go aout nd find her out there outside maybe?
Salad Kabob man said – Bich, please. Let's go.
Then they went outside to find Clare and instead they found a grave. The Doctor said – NO! Clare has died!
It was true. The grace saive CLARE OSWLAKT DIED YESTERDAY BORN A LONG TIME AGO. DIED FORM BEING FIRED AND STUFF. RIP AND SHIT. The Doctor broke down in tears and said – Why? Why am I eing rormented so! Everyone I no and love is dying and stuff! Why?!
Then Raz said – I think I no why. It's fuckin CHibbnalal. All of this is fuckin CHibabnalal';s fault. He's destroying the show and ruining our lives and getting people killed and shit because ehe doesn't like that we're gigntit aginadt him and not doing what he want snad sho he ahates us and wants us to di eand doesn't want us around because ehe thinks his hsitng very is better and gooder and shit but it's not its shit and bad and the onl even slighg ygood thing he did ws that dionsud story years ago and now he's gjust bad. And he illed Clare, I would guess.
The Doctor said – You are pprobbaly right as always Raz.
Then the Doctor cried some ans Raz comforted him and Salad Kabob man ate some salad kabobs and stuf and then they went to the graveyard wheee John Haertness was buried and blew it up with a bomb that Raz made cause she new how to make bombs and stuff from beign a police woman and then they wenr and had sax and then they decided to go and visit the grave of Sara jan too, cause she was edead and the doctor hadn't seen her since she'd died. So they went there and the Soctor said – This was an odl friend of mine too, oe day. I and her traveld for a lojg time as my thied version and as my foutht and a little as my fifth once and some as my tenth and a little as my eleventh and maybe once or twice as anohet incarnation or somrhing I don't no cause it's hard to tememebr sometimes and I have had so many freidns that ost are not super memebraoble. She is only memeorbal e really cause she jept fuckin popping up in my life and annoyignr ehs hit out o f me but we were friends and the things were better then than they are now.
The Raz sais – Woah! Watch out, that tower over there is flaling!
Then a tower nearby flel, and Kabob Slad man said -Where? Whar is the to- osbfogbijlgfjilvunifgjklhngkhjfmnthmlghiodfighlijkhuignl!
He was tryinf to say tower, but then the tower fell on him and so he just steamed and ylelef an stuff snfd couldn't do that much ccaus ehis jaw was dislockated and hanging off if his vface and blood was shooting eveywhet eall over the graves, turing them into Stones of Blood (that's a regerence for the real fans reading this who no about stones of blood, but if you don't know about stones of blood just keep going cause it doesn't hve to do with ehs trory really and is just a cool fune aster egg). Then the Doctor said – I'm sorry Raz, but we can'r save him.
Raz said – But let me try anyoway!
And then Raz tried to save him and fet thw otwer off of him, but she couldn't' because enot even Raz is perfett and not even she can lift a giant fuckin tower off of a man. So then she said – Oh what do we do now?!
The Doctor said – Now I do what ant doctor would do in this situation. I amputate.
So then he got out his sonic gun and pointed it at Salad Kabob Man and said – Hold still salasd kabbob man, I'l lhave you out of there in no time.
Salad kbaob man said – DBObbgklnfnglnkhnopnodnkplbobJBJOV!
He said that cause his jaw was still hanign off, and then it just fell off compelteyl and floopepd to the grond. Pointint eh sonic gun very carefully and precisely, the Doctor fired. And fired and fired and fired and fired snd fired and fried and screamed and fired and fired and fired and cried and fired and shit his pants from firing so much, because that's a normal thing that happens whe uou fire a gun so many times in a minute and in such a stressful sutiauotn tht's also emotional. Then when he was done he looked and saw that he'd succeeded and so then he and Raz pulled Salad kanob man out from the rubble of the tower. He said – Well, ww got him out. I just wish I wouldn't have had to shoot him into a billion exploded pieces to do so.
Raz was crying and said – Ww will remember him, though and bury him here in this very graveyard where he died. And then we will find the man who made this tower (because only men can be archetects, at least only men can be GOOD archietects) and then we will kill him and ger revegena nd sthi.
Then they bured Salad Kabob man and cried. Then they heard a voide – HELLO THERE MASTEORBR!
The Dotor looked and saw that it was his old friend K-9! He said – My old friend K-9! Here you are todau! It is so fgoood to see you how habe oy done in life since your mistress died a few years ago?! Had fun adventures?!
K-9 said – I HAVE INDEED MASTER. BUT MOST OF ALL IV'E CONENCTED YMSELF TO THE INTERNET MORE AND SO NOW I JAVE A MASSIVE INTERNET FOLLOWING AND AM BIG ON WBESTIES AND SRTUFF AND CAN DO GOOD THAT WAT!
The Doctor said – Oh fuch that's cool what good have you done recently K-9?
K-9 said – I AND MYO FOLWOWOWERD GOT A LADY FIREDF FROM HER JOB FOR NOT DATING ONE OD MY FRIENDS BY SHARING SOME BAD PICTURES OF HER FORM YEARS AGO DOING BAD STUFF AND THINGS AND SHIT, AND THEN WE WENT AND HARRAHSHED SOME OTHER PEOPLE! IT IS VERY FUN AND FELEL GOOD!
The Doctor said – Oh shit that dones not sound ike a good thing to do.
Then K-9 said – OH DON'T WORRY DOC IT FUCKIN IS FOOD SO ELTS' NOT TLAK ABYMORE AND JUST GO ON ADVENTURES AGAIN OTAY?
Rhe Doctor said – Otay!
Then Raz said – Sounds fuck in good to me!
Then K-9 and the Doctor and Raz went and got in the TARDIS and left ot go do some stuff and the doctor found out while googling stuff that the humans would won day become the Daleks and that made him feel bad and worried and surtff, but then he just forgot about it so everything was fine.