Chapter 13: Daughters of the Doctor
When they went later and had some stuff for fun, the Doctor and K-9 and Raz all went to Disney Land and messed around with the peopoe in suits there by punching them and kicking them in the balls (even if they wdre woman) and riding the rides and stuff. Then when they were done the Docroe aaid – Well that was fun lets go do something.
So then they went and went to the place with all the family trees and stuff, to see what Raz's family trre was. When thete went there they discovered something that surprised the Doctor sintead. He said – Oh my giddy fuckin aunt!
(Just like in Olden days versio of the show wen he was the seventh doctoe.)
Raz said – What is it Dictor?
The Doctor said – If you look over here this is my famil rree! They have it hear!
K-9 said – So what? They have everybodts. What does it matter?
The Docror said – Wlll it matters because according to this I'm the Master's MOTHER! And Amy Song's FATHER!
Raz said – What the fuck is that ?!
K-9 said – Makes sense that youd have sax with the ladies and then abandon the babies. You're just a jerk guy and so of course they qwant you and though you are terrible to them.
The Docotr said – Came on, guts! We have to invrstigate if this is true or something casuse if so this is crazy and changers my hole life!
The Raz said – Okay lets go!
So thwn thet went and found the past and learned it was tru that the Doctor was the Master's mother and the Ami's father. The Doctor said – But for me to be the Master's mother than that mean sI was a woman one day?! But I was never women!
Then Raz had an idea and said – Well maybe you isn't yet and this is seeming you do one day when you are a womrn and the Master just comed back in time and met you and stuff and never told you because eit's his past and you rfuture and you cant no and stuff even though he nose?
The Doctor said – Oh that's a good point that's orpbabyl what I tis than you Raz I almost ahd a hearts attack! If it haven't happened yet than I can still make sure it doesn't happena dn then it wont and I want be a women!
Then Raz andt eh Doctor chhereed and K-9 warched some Rabbit from another planet. Then when they were all done, they decided to go to Ami's house to see how she was and tell her her father had actually always eecretly been the Dictor and not the man she new cause when he was he second doctor he had gone and had sax with ami's mother and stuff and had a hole secret family of Ponds. Do they went there and told her and Ami said – Oh hi Doctor and Raz and K-9 how are you today?
The Dictor said – Well we are ogood beut I have some big news I maybe should have told you a long time ago.
Ami said – Okay come on in, you saxy son in law.
SO then they went in and the Doctor and Raz and Ami and K-9 sat down in chairs and the Doctor said – Ami, I no this may sound crazy and shrurpsign to you, but I am your father.
Ami said – WHATTT?! But I wanted to SAX WITH YOU! IT IS SOOOOO GOSS!
The Doctor said – Yes it is goss and that means Rivere my wife is my granddafuther and that's not food at all because thar's yucky. But at least River is dead now so it doesn't matter anywwat.
Ami said – Oh that is true. I'm glad to here it I was scared for a minute there.
Then they sat and K-9 said – I'm hungry. Do you have any Ginger Ale or Diortos or something like that, my lady?
Then Ami said – Oh sorry we don't.
So K-9 got mad and said – YOU FUCHGKING SLAT I WAS NICE TO YOU AND TOU WERE MEAN AND DIDN'T GIVE ME WHAT I WANT WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU I HATE YO U THIS IS WHY YOU HAVER NO HSUBAND AND NO BDOY LLIVE YOU AND YOU WILL HAVE BAD LIFE C=EBCAUSE YOU DIDN'T EVEN GIVE A GOOD BOY LIKE ME A CHANCE AND INSTEAD ONLY GIVEN GINGER ALE AND DIORTOS TO JERKY JOCK PEOPLE!
So then Ami was uncomfortable and said – Oaky. Anyway, I was about to have dinner do you gays want to stay for dinner?
Raz took the Doctor's hand alnd looked loingly into his eyes and said – I'm definitely hungry.
S o the Doct r said – Okay, we will stay thank you daught er Ami!
Ami said – No problem daddy!
Thrn they all eent into the kitchen and say at the table and Ami got out the food it qas fruitcake. Looking at the fruitcake K-9 burst out in rage at his host –
FRUITCAKE?!
WE COME TO YOUR FUCKING HOUSE AND YOU FUCKING OFFER US MOTHERFUCKING FRUITCAKE?!
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!
ARE YOU A FUCKING IDIOT?!
WHAT THE FUCK COULD HAVE POSSIBLY FUCKING POSSSESSSED YOU TO MAKE YOU THINK IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO SERVE US FUCKING FRUITCAKE?!
DID YOU JUST SAY TO YOURSELF OH, FRUITCAKE ISN'T THAT FUCKING SHITTY OF A FOOD. LET ME SERVE IT TO MY WONDERFUL GUESTS WHOM I HAVE INVITED OVER INTO MY HOME, AND SIMPLY TRUST THAT THEY WILL BE MEAK AND COWARDLY ENOUGH TO NOT FUCKING SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE FACT I SERVED THEM FUCKING FRUITCAKE?!
THE SHEER FUCKING HUBRIS OF SUCH A THOUGHT IS MINDBOGGLING YOU FUCKING SHIT EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING. YOU KNOW PEOPLE HATE FRUITCAKE!
YOU KNOW IT'S FUCKING RAT SHIT!
THIS IS FUCKING RAT SHIT THAT EVEN A FUCKING RAT WOULD BE DISGUSTED AND ASHAMED AT!
AND YET YOU STILL FUCKING SERVED IT TO US!?
GROW THE FUCK UP!
NOBODY FUCKING LIKES FRUITCAKE!
GET FUCKING REAL!
AND IF YOU EVER AND I MEAN EVER SERVE ME MOTHERFUCKIN FRUITCAKE AGAIN I WILL FUCKIN COME TO YOUR HOUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND BURN IT THE FUCK DOWN WHILE YOU SLEEP!
AND THAT IS A FUCKING PROMISE, BICH!
When K-9 had finished, there was a solid twenty seconds of silence before eventually Ami Pand just broke down in tears completely. Tears streamed from her eyes, snot flowed from her nose, her face went red, and she collapsed to the ground, weeping uncontrollably. Between sobs she tried to speak, managing to say – I'm- I'm s- so sorry. I – I didn't- didn't no. I didn't- didn't no…
Rushing over to her the Doctor threw his arms around his daughtee and comforted her as best he could, saying – It's okay, it's okay Ami. Don't cry. Really, it's okay, there's nothing to apologizr about. K-9 was just reoiyng to jok around I think. He didn't mean that. He didn't mean any of it. It is so, so sweet of you to offer to feed us after we burst into your house with no warning, and the fact you were willing to share your wonderful homemade fruitcake with us is so, so kind of you. You are a wonderful person, and I genuinely could not be prouder of you. I'm so, so very proud to call you my daughter.
Ami's cries subsisded as her father spoke to her, and, when he finished, she managed to look up at him, eyes still red, nose still full of snot, face still red, and said – R-really? Y-you are?
Staring into the gentle eyes of his daughter with a warm he hadn't felt in ages, the Doctor said – Really. Amila Pand… I couldn't have asked for a better daughter than you. I love you.
At this, Ami began to cry again, yet these tears were different. They weren't tears of sadness or sorrow or sadniess, they werte tears of happiness and joy at the reuinnion between fathe rand daughter. And as they embraced, both Ami and the doctor felt they had nevrot bertnon closer to another person ever in the hir lives. Then, finally, they let go, and rose back up. During the time this had happened, Raz had been in the bathroom so she hadn't seen it and didn't know rt hsfog had phapepend at all, and when she dame out she said – Fuckin fruitcake? The fucki si this shit?
At that, Ami broke down again and, the Doctor decided he had to do moee about this ahn he had. So, running to the TARDIS with K-9 and Raz he went back int ime to 1563 when Oleg Gragsfod invented fruitcake, walked up to him, and said – Fucking die, you sick moterhfucker!
And then the doctor shot Oleg Fotogb in the head with his sonic gun so that then fruitcake had never been invenred. Turning to the doctor Ra said – But doctor now fuckin fruitcake wont fuckin be invented!
The Doctor turned to Raz and said – I no Raz thar was the point. I don't want fruitcake to exist because it is shit and I want Ami my only daughter ever other than the Master and Jenny and maybe a few other to be happy and not aad and K-9 was making her sad and so the fruitcake cant exist cause you also made fun of the fruitcake and I don't think she like that sho no more and that ofkay? ?
Raz sais – Otay. No more of that because the fruitcake doesn exist anymor and tha is the end of htoe f ofd, righe?
The Dictor said – Affirmative. Now com on, les go back to the house and see Ami more and hav dinner.
K-9 and Rax said – Okat!
Then they all went back to the TARDIS and the Dicotr and Raz had sax for a few hours and then they went back to Ami's house tright after they'd left cause rhat is how time travel works and stuff and htwn they got there Ami said – Okay good you're hack! The yummy yummy cheesecak is jus about rady and shit, so come on in mothefucrrs and lets have dinner and stuff!
The Doctor and Raz and K-9 said – Sounds good, bcih!
Then they all went and had dinner and stuff and talk about how Bowlestrek is so super cool and saxy and stuff, even though the Doctor is not gsy and thinks that only woman are atractie. Then after this they all went back to the TARDIS for more avetures.