Chapter Fourteen: River Pond and the Children

Later some time that day or somerhing the person called River Pond (whow as also melidy podn before that id you can remember) was walking wen suddenly the TARDIS pppeeared out of nowhere in fromnt of here. Shcoked she said – Oh hello fuckin sweety!

Then the TARDIS door s opened and the Doctor and Raz and K-9 stepped out. Seeing Rvier the Doctors aid – River! It is so cgood to see you again my darling dear whife!

Raz said – You're wilfew?! This lady id you r wife?! But I thought you loved me! I'm Razor fucking Aeswomen hwo could you marry someone else?!

River and the Doctor loked awkwardly at eah o her and at Raz and then the Doctor said – I really don't no. Compared to you River is shit and stuff even though shes cool shes not you and so shes garbage I am sory Raz that I married someone else please forive me and allow me to divarce River so we can get married one day!

Raz said – okat that is good.

River said – Okay that sounds good to me too cause now I love Clare Oswald my odl teacher and we sax and stuff.

Then K-9 said – Well I've got news for you, bich. Clare Oswald is fuckin dead! We went to that sad loser biches' grave earlier! Nobody caresd about her and nobody likes you so fuckin leave!

River toruned to the doctor and said – Dictor is this true?! Is- is my beloved Clare really dad?!

The Dictor said – Yes, I'm sorry to say she is. I am so sorry. So so fucking srory, River.

Then River cried and said – I never love another woman again. I must tstay married to ouy, then Dictor I cannot anbodn you and you cannot abanon me anymore and no more having sax with your companions in the McDonalds bathrooms!

Raz was mad at River and said – I will have sax in the McDonalds bathroom withteh Doctor if I want to! And nothing you or Yaz say can change that, so just fiuckin die the obtoh of you two bithxcd!

Then Rivers aid – Oh tell me to die will you?

And Yaz said nothing because Yaz was dead. Then K-9 said – JUST FUCKUING MURDER EACH OTHER NOWWW!

Then the River and Raz started to fight and shoot and kick ands tuff and in five seconds River was on the ground with bot of her legs broken ad her arms both broken backwards swuirktoing blood cause Raz had broken them. Then Raz said – You no what happenes when you cross a fuckin awesome perfect police omwnan with a dumb blond lady who want to keep her from saxing the Doctor? You get what tou fucking deserve! (I no I used that line one time ebfo but it iso good and a callback to the previous time and deep andr efernceal and stuff.)

Then, suddenly, a child walked up and said – Oh hello my name is little Timyy and I have no home.

Then, before K-9 could call him stupid, River shot the child with her space gun and eh exploded. The Doctor turned to Riverand saw she had shot him with erh space gun even though her amrs were borke n so he guessed it probably must have hurt a lot to do. And he said – River! Why did you blow upt the small child?! It did nothing!

Then River said – But I ahd to doctor because what you don t no is that therea re these secret kevil kids who will grow up to cause the Second Last Great Time War and so I have to kill eachand every one of them to stop th at from happening ans shit and so I am doiong that and Clare was helping me dio it when she died. One of the students named Countey was actually one of these kids and Clare didn't no at the time but then we ouns out later when we we did a ceremony to summon the dead spriti o f Salabom Glitz with he help fo Gordon Jago and Henry Goerge Litefoot the voodoo witch doctor blood over internet priests and we contacted Salabom and he said that this was the truth and stuff adnshowed up the future of the Second Lat Greeat Time War and it was FUCIING BAD AS ALL GET SHIT FCUEKD. Sp then we worked to tstpp it but then one kid named Hannah Bartholemew went and FUCKING DHSOT CLARE OSWALD IN THE EHAD AND SHE DIED LUST JIKE JFK!

(For those that don't no JFK was John F Kandy and he was the president of the US right before Doct rhWho was first shown on tv even though doctor who had seceerly existed for yesrs, and he getting shot was poart of the lpolt to stop Doctor Who from being seen by peipel.)

The Doctor aid to River – But how many kdis have you had to kill to do hi splan?!

River said – So far? I have had to kill sixty-nine children. There s just one more left now.

Raz said – O-fucking-tay who is the last kid on the list?

K-9 said – I hope it's some freakin stuck ip bach who doesn't tjhink good boys like me are worth s dhot snf only goes afte p dumb jerk jock asholes.

Then everyone laughed at funny K-9, then River said – No, I'm sorry to say that the last kid is actually your old friend little kid Evelyn Smith!

TheDoctor said – NO! Not Evelyn!

Ra saiad – Who is Evelyn?! Did you marry and sax her too?!

The Dictor said – No, well, on;y once, but that doesn't matter! Evelyn was a friend wof mine and if she die ads a kid she owntt be abole to eve rbe rineds with me!

Then, before the Dictor or Raz or K-9 could say anything else, River shot little kid Evelyon with her magic time space gun.

In a sudden blind rage the Doctor said – NO! YOU HAVEN NOT TO HEAVE BE HKILLING AND OF EVELYN! NO YO ARE TO HAVE GOING DIE TO AM!

Then the Doctor ran all the way over to River and got out his sonic gun and said – Even if you are y one time wilfe I will have to sotp you, River! Because3 Im the razorfuckin Doctor, bich!

Then he blew River's head up with his sonic gun sonic bullets and the sonic expolosion made all of River's sonic blood fly evetywhere and so then K-9 aaid – Cool. Noe I've got a fuckin red paintjob. Well, maybe ti will look saxier this way.

Then Raz and the Doctor alguhed and said – Oh K-9, you are such a funny man!

Then they all got back in the TARDIS and suddenly before Raz and the Doctor cold beihn saxing, an Axon popped up form the Doctor and Raz's bed, and said – I AM THE AXONS! AND THE AXONS DEMAND THAT ZYOU GIVE US ALL OF EARTH'S CHILDREN TO EAT OR WE ARE GOING TO BLOW UP YOUR PLAETN!

Thn the Doctor said – Okay sure I don't car ejust jget out of my ebd so Raz and I can sax.

Then the Axons let and stole all of Earth's kids and arw them and it was sad, and the Doctor iddn't even no cause he thought the Axons had said all of Earth's Wilfdren and he was okay with all of the kids of Wilf being eatien because he fuckin g hated Wilf now for vucking betraying him the creepy old pervy SJW commie SJW serial killing face cutter off er. Them, to get the upsetting sruff out of his mind, he said – Come on Raz! It's time for our sax time now!

Then Raz said – FUCKIN YEAH WE BE FUCKIN YEAH!

Then they had sax while listening to Trout Mask Repilca and K-9 stood at the door and hovered and watche diwhtou ththem seeing and said – Is this the only way I ever get to understand and be a part of this? Srtupid Raz will come crawling to me one day when she realizes the Doctor is a jerk and leaves her all alone with the baby and no money! Then Raz will want K-9!

Then K-9 went and wartche dHorse Bojackman and forgot all about Raz and the Doctor havin sax so he was surprised later when he saw them oing it afain and said ot himelf – YOU GUYS HAVE SAX ON THE TARDIS WIL E I AM OUT OF THE ROOM?!

And the Doctor and Raz kjust stopped looked at each other a nd said – Oh funny K-9! Now lets go find out what my past self did one ime when he was somewhere so I can make sure to not turn into a woman and have to go through tupif Chibanlaal stuff SJW propoaganda bdad writing seasons with stuff that is bad and orign and not adult and groan up and shit.

And so then they did. But before the did the Doctor cold help ut remember River and her ding and stuff and couldn't help but cry and think to himself – Why would anyone have wante to kill my pooor River? I'm glad she is ded so that then Raz and I can continue in our relationship and maybe get marrid one time, but I am otheree by not noing who was the killer of River. One day I wil lealrn though, and wen I do, I will FUCKING MAKE CHRIS CHIBSNLAL PAY FOR KILLING MY WIFF!

Theb Raz walked up and said – New topic: are you feeling like suicide today, Doctor?

The Doctor said – No I am not.

Then Raz sai d – Otay rhat's food because suicide is abd and you shouldn't do it, okay saxy Doctor man?

Then the Dcotor said – Okay.

Then Raz aalked off and the Doctor sat and had some cake and then a nap and the Doctot foegot about some of stiff.