Is it your free will...?
"What do you mean by 'He's missing'?"
Dumbfounded I stared at Faulkner who was still nervously stepping from one foot onto the other. I had never seen him like that before but right now I was less concerned about his condition. My chest felt as if someone was tightening the corset even more and I had to concentrate on not falling into hectic breathing. I didn't notice that Maria had laid an arm around me as if she wanted to prevent me from falling over.
"Well, Caleb went to Connor's room in the inn but he wasn't there. The uniform, he wanted to wear, was on the bed but completely untouched", Faulkner explained and I saw how worried he was.
"But somebody has to know, where he is", I said hopeful but Faulkner shook his head.
"Nobody knows anything but a few men are already searching for him. Maybe he's just...having a walk."
You could hear that he didn't believe in his own words. The fact that Connor hadn't told anybody where he wanted to go, was anything but reassuring.
"Maybe he has changed his mind." The words already left my lips while the thought came to my mind. I had remembered what Connor had told me a year ago. At that time we had been on our way to England and I had asked him if there was someone at home who meant something to him. He had said that he feared that he couldn't be a good husband because of his life as an Assassin. That he wouldn't have enough time for a woman. What if he had remembered that?
"You can't believe that." Maria shook her head and Mr. Faulkner wasn't convinced of my fear either.
"Even if this is the case, the Captain wouldn't disappear just like that. He would talk to you. Something must have happened to him."
"Mr. Faulkner! That's not helpful!", Maria reprimanded the first mate while I leaned against the wall. I began to feel like I couldn't breathe. The thought that Connor's disappearing meant that something had happened to him was so much worse than the imagination that he had walked out on me. I rather could have borne the latter. But what should have happened to him? I had said goodbye to him last night as he had gone to the inn. He even hadn't...
I gasped, leaped from the wall, and pushed myself past Mr. Faulkner and Maria, who gave me surprised looks. I gathered up my skirts and hurried downstairs, crossed the hallway, and opened the hidden door to the basement. I almost ran down these stairs, too, and stopped dumbfounded in front of the table on the other side of the room. It was empty and now I felt anger boiling up. Before he had left, Connor had promised to me that he would leave his weapons here and won't touch them before our wedding day was over. I had watched him putting the hidden blade, the tomahawk, the pistol, and the bow onto this table. He must have come back sometime to take them.
"Is everything alright?", I heard Maria's voice by the staircase and a huff escaped me. Nothing was alright.
"It seemed like he decided that some fights are more important than his wedding", I said bitterly and turned away from the table to go upstairs, past Maria. There stood Mr. Faulkner and seemed to notice my change of mood with concern. While I had been full of fear before, I just felt angry and disappointed now.
"Nobody has to look for Connor. He will come back on his own, if he doesn't get shot, slashed open or whatever", I told him but couldn't prevent my tears from rising into my eyes.
I sobbed and felt how Maria wrapped her arms around me. Carefully she led me into the kitchen where I shakily sat down on the bench, while the tears ran unstoppably over my cheeks. No matter how angry and disappointed I was, I was likewise concerned. Like always when I knew that Connor was fighting somewhere, but today it was worse. Somehow I had thought that he could forget his sense of duty for just one day.
"Now calm yourself", Maria said quietly but I shook my head.
"How am I supposed to calm myself? It's our wedding day but my future husband prefers to run around, heavily armed and smashing somebody's brain in. Apart from the fact that he could be the one who gets his brain smashed in. How is that supposed to calm me? Our friends are waiting for us but he's not here." My voice had become slightly hysterical which made Maria look even more concerned.
"I'm sure that he will come soon. He would never walk out on you", she tried to calm me but it seemed like she ignored the fact, that Connor wouldn't be able to influence that if he was killed. But I tried to listen to her anyway because she was right. As long as it was possible, he would do everything to come back in time.
"But how long shall we wait? What shall we tell the others?", I asked quietly and Maria exchanged a look with Mr. Faulkner who was standing silently in the door.
"I will go down and tell them that we will delay the ceremony. They will understand it", he said and disappeared through the back door shortly afterward.
"Do you want to drink something? Is there anything I can do for you?", Maria asked me and laid a hand onto my shoulder. But I shook my head and stood up.
"I want to be alone. I will go upstairs. Will you stay and tell me if something happens?"
"Of course." Maria smiled at me and I nodded gratefully before I left the kitchen and slowly went upstairs into the bedroom. I was still trembling when I sat down at the washstand and buried my face into my hands. My feelings swayed between anger, fear, and the hope that Connor would come back and this day was going to have a good ending.
I didn't know how long I was sitting there and how often I stood up to glance out of the window, down to the path that was leading to the manor. I hoped to see Connor when he came back but the only person who came along was Mr. Faulkner. I heard him entering the house and when I listened into the hallway, I heard him talking to Maria in the kitchen. I could barely understand what he was saying but at least I understood that there was currently no sign of Connor and again I had to fight against my tears. I began to lose every hope and resignedly I loosened the veil from my hair and put it onto the washstand before I lay down onto the bed, facing the wall. I surely didn't want to sleep but I didn't feel like I could stay upright either. Therefore I ignored it as good as possible, that lying in a corset wasn't very comfortable. It was terribly stiff and pushed even more against my chest but for now, I didn't care.
I just lay there but pricked up my ears when I heard steps on the hallway and finally, how the door was opened. First I was sure that it was one of the others, who wanted to look after me. But I winced when I heard Connor saying my name. Immediately I sat up laboriously and turned into his direction. He was standing in the door, wringing his hands and looking at me. I had never seen him so nervous before but I didn't know how to react. On the one hand, I would have approached and hugged him, relieved that he was back. But on the other hand, I wanted to slap him and shout at him because he had scared me so much. I chose the middle course.
"Where. Have. You. Been?", I uttered between clenched teeth and at least tried to look at him as reproachful as I possibly could, although I was already crying again. Connor's steps were hesitant when he came to me as if he feared that I could jump up and beat the hell out of him. He came to the bed, pushed the skirt of my dress aside, and sat down next to me on the edge of the bed.
"I am sorry, I..."
"You should be sorry!", I interrupted him because I couldn't hold back my pent-up emotions anymore. "Do you know how scared I was? First I thought that you have changed your mind and run away. But when I saw that you have taken your weapons..." My gaze fell onto the hidden blade on his left arm which was resting on his knee.
"I was afraid that something happens to you because some fights were more important to you than your own wedding. You promised that you wouldn't touch your weapons until tomorrow. Just one day. You wouldn't have needed to bear it any longer. One. Goddamn. Day."
Connor endured my words silently and even when I was already finished, he just sat there and stared at his hands which he was kneading tensely. It almost drove me mad that he wasn't saying anything. I wanted him to explain himself. No matter how angry I was, I wanted to understand him so that I didn't need to be so angry anymore because I didn't want to be like that. I wanted to throw my arms around his neck because I was glad to see him unharmed. At least mostly unharmed because when Connor looked at me again, I noticed a small, bleeding wound over his eyebrow which I hadn't noticed from the distance. Or I had failed to see it on purpose.
"What happened?", I asked, now calmer and reached out my hand for his face, but he grabbed it before I touched him.
"It is nothing", he said quietly and kept my hand firmly in his. "I am sorry that I have scared you. I did not mean to. I thought I would be back in time without concerning you."
"But where have you been?"
The Assassin looked down at our hands and ran his thumb over the back of my hand, while it seemed like he didn't want to answer. But he certainly knew that I would insist on it and so he did.
"Yesterday I walked around a bit because I did not come to rest somehow." He smiled faintly. "Anyhow, I was close to the borders of the homestead when a rider from the surroundings of Concord came to me. You know that I was in Lexington recently?"
I nodded.
"There have been attacks on small villages and settlements lately. By now nobody knows who these men are but they are unscrupulous. They break into the houses, attack the inhabitants, rob them, and even kill their cattle sometimes. Such an attack happened again last night and the man, who came to me, asked me for help. I know what I have promised to you but I could not send him away."
He looked at me, almost suppliantly and I knew immediately, that I couldn't have demanded that from him. Connor couldn't forgive himself if he hadn't helped and I couldn't forgive myself if I had held him back.
"Could you help them?", I asked quietly.
"Some of the attackers were already gone when I arrived. There were only three of them but they preferred to fight instead of telling me, to whom they belong."
He squinched up his face and my gaze slid over the fine blood splatters on his robe. At least I knew the reason for his absence now, but I still felt a bit angry about it and it seemed like Connor felt it, too.
"I am sorry that I have scared you but I had to go there", he repeated and looked at me sincerely and although I struggled with the last part of his sentence, I knew that there was nothing I could reproach him for. Except for one, tiny thing maybe.
"Do you promise that next time, when you have to go somewhere, you will tell at least someone? Only because I want to know where I have to search for you if you don't come back. Nobody knew where you have been."
To my annoyance, I felt the tears running over my cheeks again as I remembered the feeling I'd had when Mr. Faulkner had said that Connor had disappeared without a trace. Now he reached out his hand and laid it gently on my wet cheek.
"As long as it is possible, I promise it." He smiled faintly. "Do you still want to marry me?"
Now my lips curled into a smile, too and I reached out my hand to free his wounded eyebrow from some strands of hair. "Only if you will bring the weapons downstairs, get ready and wait fairly presentable where you should have waited hours ago before I had a nervous breakdown because of you."
Connor chuckled. "I can do that."
He stood up but I reached out an arm for him and stopped him from following my orders immediately.
"Could you first help me to get up? The corset makes it a bit difficult."
Connor shook his head smirking, clasped my waist and lifted me gently onto my feet, but insisted on holding me a bit longer and stroking over the noticeable staves of the corset under the dress.
"Why are you doing this to yourself?"
"Because a woman has to suffer for her beauty." I grinned slightly while Connor shook his head again and pulled me closer.
"You are beautiful anyway", he murmured and made me blush.
"But you can't know that because you haven't seen me yet. You will when I come to the landing stage with Mr. Faulkner."
Connor smirked and pulled away from me. "So I will hurry up then and get ready so that I can finally see my future wife."
Shortly afterward Maria had rearranged my veil and hair and when Mr. Faulkner came and told us, that everybody was waiting again, my friend went down to the bay. I linked arms with Mr. Faulkner, the bridal bouquet firmly in my hands, and slowly we set off, too. We were silent which came at the right time for me. I was terribly nervous and scratched along the stems of the wildflowers. Suddenly Mr. Faulkner cleared his throat, stopped, and freed his arm from mine. Confused I turned towards him and looked into his serious face.
"Are you sure, that you want this, lass?", Faulkner asked me and I blinked several times, completely taken by surprise because of his question.
"Of...of course. Why should I not?"
Mr. Faulkner sighed and his gaze slid down to the bay, where you could already see our friends, waiting for us to come down this path.
"Connor is an Assassin. He is a fighter, he always was and he won't be able to change just because you marry him. He will always do everything to return to you but he will not keep his feet still for you."
"I don't expect that from him."
Faulkner looked at me again and his gaze made me even more nervous than I already was.
"Are you sure? How did you react when you saw that he had left, to do what he thought was right?"
Shortly I opened my mouth because I believed to have an answer that could refute his argument, but there was none. I had been angry. Very angry.
I lowered my eyes to the flowers in my hands and fought against my conflicting emotions. Those that wanted turn a deaf ear to Faulkner's words and those that saw the truth in them.
"I'm just afraid of losing him", I said quietly, almost whispering and heavy hands were laid onto my shoulders.
"I understand that. But you will have to learn to deal with this fear if you want to live with him. He's no settled gentleman who sits over his papers the whole day, returns to the table in the evening, and has dinner with you. He's not such a man and he never will be. You have to accept that if you want to marry him."
He paused and offered his arm to me. "You asked me to hold the ceremony but I cannot take responsibility for it if you're not certain. Because from him..." He pointed at the bay again. "I know that he's certain, even though he said that he wouldn't even need marriage to wish to live with you. So it is on you to decide. Can you accept him like he is, or do you desperately want a settled gentleman?"
The whole time Faulkner's voice was calm, honest and without any judgment and when I raised my head to look at him, his gaze was friendly and open. He was worried about us both. About Connor and me and he wanted us to do the right thing. So was it the right thing to marry Connor?
I took a few steps towards the edge of the path, which led directly along the cliff and I looked down at the bay. I could see the landing stage, which led to the Aquila and which was beautifully decorated by Prudence. I could see our friends who had come together there. But above all, I could see the figure standing upright at the end of the landing stage.
Connor, who had put on the uniform he was normally wearing as the captain of the Aquila and who had taken off all his weapons. Like I had demanded it. I had wanted it because I had thought that I could make him stop being an Assassin for one day. Not always ready to fight. Because I had thought that at least on my wedding day, I could have a normal man by my side. Normal.
Now that Mr. Faulkner had pointed it out to me, it became painfully aware to me, how stupid I had been. I had met Connor as an Assassin, I had traveled with him as an Assassin, had fallen in love with him as an Assassin. But I had wanted to marry a normal man. Just as normal as I had always learned it. With regular work which provided safety for me, mainly concerning finances. The latter wasn't necessary for me. I had Theresa's heritage that was providing my financial safety. What I needed was a man I loved and who loved me and such a man was standing down there. I was sure that he was going to be a better man to me than any rich gentleman I could have married. He was giving me so much and the only things I was giving to him, were guidelines of how he should behave and it was wrong. I was afraid of losing him but if I didn't learn to accept him, it would happen earlier than I wanted it.
I took a deep breath again and felt determination. I wanted this wedding. I wanted Connor, just like he was. Like I had met him and like I had always loved him. For him, I wanted to get rid of all my old ways of thinking, as I had already done considering my life in the homestead. Even though it was going to be hard.
"Could you take these for a moment?", I asked Faulkner all of the sudden and pushed my flowers into his hand which he took with a confused expression. "I'll be back in a minute."
I gathered up my skirts and ran back to the house. I stormed through the backdoor, opened the basement, and climbed downstairs. On the table were Connor's weapons. The pistol, the tomahawk, the bow, the hidden blade. I took the latter and ran upstairs again. When I returned to Mr. Faulkner, I was breathless but smiled widely at him, when I took the flowers from him and linked arms with him. Smirking Faulkner looked down at the bracer in my other hand.
"Strange jewelry for a bride."
"It's a strange wedding", I replied and Faulkner laughed before he patted my hand and we went on towards the bay.
The nervousness, I had felt before, had given way to a joyful excitement and unconsciously I quickened my steps, as we finally approached the bay and the broad landing stage on which all of our friends had gathered, between them even some crewmembers of the Aquila. Many happy faces were turned towards me but I only had eyes for Connor, who was standing on the other end of the landing stage and awaited us. A faint smile curled his lips but his eyes were shining even more. I could see warmth and love in them, which made me shiver pleasantly and confirmed that I just had made the right decision.
Mr. Faulkner took my hand when we reached Connor and laid it carefully into Connor's who immediately enclosed it firmly but gently. Only now he noticed the blade in my other hand and he frowned in confusion for a short moment. But I freed my hand from his grip with a gentle smile, grabbed his left wrist and tied the bracer onto his forearm, without saying a word. As I raised my head and looked at Connor, his eyes were widened and he regarded the weapon which belonged to him like the arm itself that was wearing it.
"I thought you wanted...", he began, but I shook my head.
"An Assassin is not an Assassin without his hidden blade."
Connor looked at me and his smile became brighter as he put both hands to my cheeks, stepped to me, and gently kissed my forehead.
Somebody cleared their throat. "I know that you two like each other very much, that's why we're here. But you asked me to be the spokesman for this wedding and I would appreciate it if we could start now. I have seen that Oliver has brought an excellent whiskey and I'm already looking forward to it the whole day." Mr. Faulkner winked at us grinning and amused laughter sounded from the settlers.
Connor caressed my cheek for the last time before he took my hand again and we turned towards the old sailor, who cleared his throat again.
"Well, as you all know, I'm not a good speaker and when you asked me if I could hold the ceremony, I felt a bit nervous at first, because I didn't know what to say. But you told me that I should think about something, because that this is not a normal wedding should be clear to everyone who sees the Father standing there and secretly enjoying his day off."
His words caused a new wave of amusement and Father Timothy let a "How true" sound.
"I have to confess that I still don't know what to say and that's why I thought that I will start with the reason why we are here today. The Captain here..." He made a wide gesture towards Connor. "Is, as we all know, a madman. In all those years I am sailing with him, I have experienced a lot. I have seen him escaping from a burning fort with jumping from a high cliff. I have experienced him manoeuvering the Aquila in a way that still makes my hair stand on end. So why shouldn't he be insane enough to marry?"
He made a short break, smirking and finally pointing at me.
"I don't know this lady as good as I know the captain. But a woman who has no idea of sailing and fighting but decides to slip into man's clothing nevertheless and leads me to believe that she's a sailor has to be a sly one. She smuggled herself past experienced sailors and even made me believe that she was a boy. But Lord, this boy must be the worst sailor in history."
Faulkner winked at me what I answered with a grin. I really had tricked him back then.
"Despite all your insanity, you two are like fire and water but I think that this is exactly why you are so suited to each other. How boring it would be if your partner is just the same as you are. Those differences make a life together more interesting and they complement each other. So never try to abolish them because they define who you are."
He gave me a short glance and I gave him a grateful smile in return. I had already understood what he wanted to say and unconsciously I squeezed Connor's hand with these words.
Mr. Faulkner cleared his throat and shrugged his shoulders. "There's nothing more I have to say, so we should finally come to the important part. You told me that I shouldn't ask you all these long questions and if this is your wish, I will fulfill it." He smirked and looked at Connor before he continued with a formal voice.
"Is it your free will, Captain, to marry this charming lady by your side? Do you want to love her, cherish her, and have an eye on her, so that she doesn't sneak on board again, as long as it is your wish?"
Connor smirked about the last part and I had to suppress a quiet giggle, too. What a canny masterstroke of the old man.
"Yes, I do", said Connor and gave me a gentle smile.
"And is it your free will, Lillian, to marry this gentleman by your side? Do you want to love him, cherish him, and have an eye on him, so that he stays as unharmed as possible despite all his madness, as long as it is your wish?"
"I do."
"Wonderful!" Mr. Faulkner clapped his hands and his gaze wandered to a spot behind us and shortly afterward I heard the clatter of small hoofs on the wooden landing stage. A glance over my shoulder told me that they belonged to Cherry who was accompanied by a grinning Caleb. The small mare wore blossoms in her black mane and a basket on her back, out of which Caleb took a wooden box after he had reached us. Full of pride he handed the box over to me and I examined it surprised. I didn't know that something like this had been planned. I gave Connor a questioning look but he just nodded at me and so I opened the lock of the box and lifted its lid. The base was covered with a pillow on which lay a ring and a necklace that I quickly recognized as Connor's. A leather band with originally three bear claws on it. Now the claw in the middle had been replaced by a narrow, silver tube with a filigree "L" engraved on it. The ring next to the necklace was quite small, definitely made for tender female fingers, also made of silver and when I had a closer look at it, I saw that it wore an engraving, too. "R".
"L" for Lillian, "R" for Ratonhnhaké:ton, the name Connor was born with.
Totally surprised I raised my head and looked at Connor who was smiling contentedly.
"I thought we didn't want rings or other kinds of jewelry", I said but Connor grabbed into the box, still smiling and took out the ring.
"But I thought that we should have something that shows that we belong to each other and that reminds us of each other when we are separated. A ring would be impractical for me so I decided to choose this variation." He pointed at the necklace.
"And how did you know that the ring would fit me?"
"I borrowed one of your rings and gave it to Big Dave. But do not worry, it is already back in your jewel case."
Connor smirked and took the wooden box from me to hand it over to Caleb. Smiling gently, he grabbed my left hand and lifted the ring in his right. "May I?"
I nodded smiling and Connor carefully put the ring on my finger. It fitted perfectly and I was more than sure that I wouldn't take this piece of jewelry off anytime soon.
I squeezed Connor's hand gently before I turned towards Caleb and took the necklace out of the box. Connor just wanted to turn around, so that I could put the necklace on him, but I grabbed him by his arm, raised myself on tiptoes, and laid my arms over his shoulders. With quick fingers, I knotted the ends of the leather band in Connor's nape without turning my gaze away from his. He had put his hands into my waist and even when I had already put the necklace on him, I kept my hands folded in his nape and didn't even want to part from him.
Mr. Faulkner cleared his throat again and made us turn at least a part of our attention towards him, still not turning our gazes away from each other.
"I now pronounce you husband and wife. Allow me to introduce: Mr. and Mrs. Connor Kenway. Captain, you may kiss the bride."
Connor pulled me closer but he didn't kiss me. Instead, he frowned and gave me a questioning look. "Kenway?"
I cocked my head because I didn't understand his question. "Yes, of course. As your wife I'm bearing your surname, or don't you agree with that?"
"I just thought that...among my people, the man joins the woman's clan after the wedding. So theoretically it would mean that I'm bearing your surname."
I squinched up my face. "Connor Jarvis? Are you sure that you want to bear the surname of a Templar?"
Connor chuckled. "My father was a Templar and I do not care about my surname."
"So...if you say so...I would love to call myself Kenway if you don't mind. It also suits you better."
"It would be an honor, Mrs. Kenway", Connor smirked and finally pulled me closer to capture my lips with his.
The settlers broke into jubilation and applauded while I didn't notice anything anymore but only concentrated on the feeling of happiness that was running through my whole body.