Reviews:

MohawkWoman: Unlike Freedom, this story has no end as far as I have planned it. I just decided to write as long as I have enough ideas and we will see what will happen and how everything will end. For me the best way to end this story would be an end with Connor and Lillian, sitting in front of their house and watching their grandchildren play. ^^ But we´ll see.

tina: At least someone who is feeling with her. ^^ I can remember that most of the German readers were a bit upset about her behaviour. But unfortunately (or maybe not unfortunately) it´s a part of her personality. When it comes to people she loves, she isn´t able to make wise decisions.

Luthlien: No need to apologize. ;)I hope I´m able to do a drawing of the little angel (that´s how Lillian calls it) once. Then you could see how I´m imagining...it. Oh, it´s so hard to keep that to myself. :D

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The next day I was sitting with Maria in front of her house in the spring sun and watched her sewing a tiny bonnet made of fine linen for the baby. Even though I had already some things in the closet which Myriam had let me have from her son, Maria insisted on contribute something, too and as long as she was taking pleasure in it, I wouldn´t stop her. While she was attended to her task full of devotion, I was lost in my thoughts and so I didn´t notice as Maria paused and talked to me.
"Sorry, what did you say?", I asked in confusion and Maria raised an eyebrow.
"I said that I have some blue lace somewhere. Shall I sew it to the hem?"
"Yes, I´m sure it will look pretty", I murmured, looking at the piece of fabric in her hand.
Maria laid the bonnet on her lap with a sigh and moved her chair closer to me. "What´s wrong with you?", she asked and earned another confused gaze.
"What should be wrong with me?"
"You´re acting strange for days now. I have never seen a pregnant woman who is looking like you a few weeks before the birth. Are you not well? Or did something happen? Are you afraid of the birth?"
"No." I squinched up my face and stared at my over my belly folded hands. Her questioning look was unpleasant to me. "Everything´s fine. I just have backache, that´s all."
"Backache? And that´s why you´re having a face as long as a fiddle?"
When I didn´t answer but began to tug at the pleats of my skirt, Maria uttered an annoyed sound and put the bonnet and her sewing utensils back into the basket next to her, before she entirely pulled her chair next to mine and put a hand on my arm.
"What is it? Is it about Connor? Did you have a fight?"
I shook my head silently.
"But it is about Connor, isn´t it? I´m able to tell that from your face."
I exhaled with a hissing sound and raised my eyes, let them roam uneasily over our environment, before I looked at Maria whose concern was visible in her face. Now or never.
"I lied to both of you", I said in a quiet and broken voice. Maria frowned.
"What do you mean?"
I ran my shaking hands through my hair and stared at a spot next to Maria´s head. Why did it feel easier to tell her the truth while I couldn´t tell it Connor? Would I be able to do it, if I had told her everything?
"On the day when I rode to Boston, I had no accident", I started slowly and finally told Maria everything that had happened this day and especially in the fort. I also told her about Ray´s message at the cart and that I had kept it to myself. She listened to me attentively, didn´t interrupt me once. But when I had ended, she lowered her eyes and for a while nobody of us was saying a word and my uneasiness grew. The whole time I´d had a guilty conscience because I had lied to Connor, but I had behaved wrong towards Maria, too. I had lied to her so that I could lie to Connor. What a great friend and wife I was.

"I´m sorry", I broke the silence and Maria raised her head. I couldn´t guess what she was thinking or feeling, but she didn´t look angry.
"Why did you lie in the first place?", she asked quietly and I shrugged my shoulders. It was sad but I didn´t know a satisfying answer to this question.
"I was afraid of Connor´s reaction", I said hesitantly. "When I set off, I hadn´t thought about it and I had never expected that I would really meet Ray and when it happened...I didn´t know how to deal with it."
"And that´s why you´re lying?"
"I think I just got myself into a mess", I murmured and kneaded my hands uneasily.
Maria sighed. "That´s one way to put it. That really was the most stupid thing you ever did."
I couldn´t even disagree with that. I could have spared myself the trouble, if I would have been honest to myself. But even though I began to understand this, I still had to talk to Connor and I still was afraid of it. But I couldn´t avoid it any longer.
"I will go and talk to him", I said quietly and more to myself, but Maria nodded. When we stood up, she pulled me into a short embrace.
"Everything will be fine again. Everybody makes mistakes once in a while."
A faint smile flitted across my face, but her words would only reassure me, when I had get this conversation with Connor over and done with and when he had accepted my confession like Maria did.

During the whole way home, I tried to think about the right words, tried to plan what to say. But I couldn´t. But why should I anyway? You couldn´t plan such conversations because I didn´t even know how Connor was going to react. I had to await everything and that was frightening me even more. The closer I came to the manor, the more hesitant my steps became but they entirely died away as I saw two strange horses by our stable. I had the feeling that I had seen them once and I was seized by a bad feeling. Hesitantly I entered the house and listened. I could hear Connor´s muffled voice coming from the cellar and when I came closer to the slightly open hidden door, I could understand what he was saying.
"...cannot risk it and we should not underestimate them, too. We have to be careful, they must not detect us. Janet´s and your visit certainly has startled them up and that is why they left the fort."
My hackles rose. Janet and you? Janet and Duncan? Was Connor down there with...
I uttered an appalled scream as it rattled loudly in the kitchen next to me. I startled back from the door and stared into Caleb´s face, who was standing by the shelf with the dishes, a broken plate to his feet.
"I´m sorry. It slipped out of my hand", he mumbled remorsefully while I just stared at him with wide eyes and a rushing heartbeat.

I had barely moved away from the hidden door, as the conversation downstairs had ended and I heard steps on the staircase. Shortly afterwards Connor was standing in front of me and looked at me with his head cocked.
"Is something wrong?", he asked and my gaze flitted shortly back and forth between him and the door. No Duncan in sight.
"Yes", I croaked, cleared my throat, forced myself to smile and pointed at Caleb in the kitchen. "I´m just a bit jumpy."
Connor took a step forward and glanced through the door at Caleb, who was still standing there and appeared like he didn´t know if he had to expect a scolding. But Connor didn´t say anything and I certainly didn´t feel like it. I just stared at the man in front of me whose gaze turned to me again and who knitted his eyebrows.
"Are you sure that you are alright?"
"Yes, of course. Why not?" The words came over my lips so fast that they seemed to blur into a single word. It seemed like they weren´t quite convincing either because Connor just looked at me sceptically, but couldn´t say anything.

Steps sounded behind him and shortly afterwards and to my horror, Duncan Little appeared in the doorframe. "We should set off, before...", he stopped in the middle of the sentence as he saw me. Surprise was written in his face, then he frowned in confusion. As well as Clipper Wilkinson, who was also coming upstairs now. They stared at me while I wished that the ground would swallow me.
"What...are you doing here? I thought...", Clipper asked in confusion. His gaze flitted to Connor who didn´t seem to understand what was happening. He looked back and forth between me and the assassins, frowning.
"You know each other?"
"Yes of course." Duncan took a step forward. "This...", he unnecessarily pointed at me. "...is the British assassin we told you about. Janet Pierce! Who just disappeared without saying a word."
I had the feeling that I was shrinking as three pairs of male eyes turned to me, all of them totally confused. At least Connor was the first who woke up from his confusion and again somebody was pointing at me.
"You have to be mistaken", Connor said slowly. "This is Lillian. My wife and certainly not an assassin."
Clipper and Duncan were looking at Connor, as if they thought that he was playing a bad trick on them. But he didn´t and it was on me to resolve the whole thing.
"He isn´t mistaken", I said and my voice was nothing more than a whisper. Connor´s head whirled around to me, as I kept talking. "I borrowed weapons from you, rode to Boston and passed myself off as Janet Pierce so that they helped me to get into the fort."
Now I was the one who was supposed to be playing a bad trick. An unpleasant silence spread, during which I didn´t dare to raise my eyes to look at the three assassins. The tension in the air was almost seizable.

"Go to the horses. I will come after you", Connor instructed the others in a dull voice. They didn´t react in an instant but finally they went down the hallway wordlessly and disappeared outside through the front door. It was silent again, but this time I dared to raise my eyes and to look at Connor. I could see several different emotions in his face and all of them didn´t made me feel comfortable. Disbelief, confusion, but also disappointment and suppressed anger. It seemed like he couldn´t decide in favour of one of them and his voice sounded strained when he asked: "It was a joke, was it not?"
But you could hear that he wasn´t expecting a confirmation. I silently shook my head. Connor took a deep breath, stepped forward and glanced into the kitchen. Caleb had run off by now and maybe it was better like that. As Connor turned towards me again, the confusion had disappeared from his face at least.
"You want to tell me that you armed yourself, rode to Boston and entered a guarded fort with my brothers? Not to forget that you are saying, that you have passed yourself off as somebody you are not."
I nodded. That was a good summary of my crimes but not complete at all.

Without waiting for Connor to ask for it, I began to tell him everything. I told him about Sam Adams' message, my panic reaction to ride to Boston, about my siege of the fort, how I lied to the assassins, the intrusion of the fort, my encounter with Ray and how he broke my wrist and I told him about my hasty return to Davenport, so that my pretence didn´t get revealed. So he also learned about the true reason for my sudden change of mind regarding Ray and I also didn´t keep from him, that Ray had left the food for us, together with a message for me. Like Maria, Connor listened to me without interrupting me. But his reaction was entirely different from hers. While his face had been just marked by disbelief before, the disappointment and anger were now obvious. Every fibre of his body was tensed and he was clenching his jaws. He seemed to be struggling with his emotions and so he didn´t say anything as I had finished. He just stared at me and I became smaller and smaller under his gaze. Why didn´t he say anything? He could shout at me, if he wanted to. But please, why was he just staring at me?

"I´m sorry. I...", I started, but Connor raised his hands. His eyes were sparkling in anger.
"What are you sorry for?", he uttered between clenched teeth. "For endangering yourself? For endangering others? You were lying shamelessly to my brothers and endangered them. Duncan thought you were a fighter. If it had come to a fight, he would have relied on your backing which you were not able to give." With his hands on his hips, he began to walk back and forth, shaking his head in a slow rhythm. "Then you are even intercepting letters that were meant for me. But I think all of this is not the worst."
He stopped and put his head back with a bitter smile. "The worst is that you have lied straight into my face. Every time I talked about your brother, you pretended that you did not know anything. And as I told you about Janet´s "appearance", you acted surprised." Connor laughed bitterly and shook his head again. "You know, I always thought I could see when you are lying to me. But actually I already experienced what a good actress you can be, if you want to. But I had never thought that you could use that against me." He looked at me and I saw the bitter disappointment in his eyes. "I trusted you, Lillian and you lied to me. For eight months. Why?"

While he had begun to speak, I had already fought against my tears. His voice had never become loud but the audible disappointment and anger were terrible enough. I had never wanted all of this. I had never wanted to disappoint and anger him. I hadn´t lied because of bad intentions, but it didn´t make it better. And how should I explain it to him? While the tears ran silently over my cheeks, I was struggling with my words. I didn´t know what to say.
"I wanted...", I stammered with a shaky voice. "I didn´t thought. I...I wanted to be certain about Ray. When I knew where he was, I couldn´t stand it to stay here. I wanted to know, if Adams' words in his letter were true. I hadn´t planned to go into the fort, but when the others came...I saw a chance..."
Connor snorted. "A chance? To kill you all? If you had told them who you really are, they would not have brought you into the fort, but they would have tried to help you anyway."
"But I had to see Ray with my own eyes! I didn´t want to rely on tales anymore."
"And why did you not tell the truth later on? When you were certain and had been lucky things didn´t turn out worse? It is bad enough that you have lied to them but what made you lie to me, too?"
And that was the crucial point. I doubted that I could give him a satisfying answer to this question. I even hadn´t been able to answer it to Maria. But I had to answer him. He had to understand that I hadn´t wanted to hurt him because in face of the way he was looking at me, he seemed to doubt that.
"I didn´t know how to deal with the certainty", I started shakily and struggling against my tears. "I was afraid. I had the feeling, that when I would tell it anyone, I could lose either Ray, or you or both of you. I wanted to tell you but when you told me about this meeting, where those men were killed...I couldn´t do it anymore. You were so angry about Ray and...I knew that you would search for him, find him and call him to account. And I couldn´t accept this thought."
"He is a criminal", Connor uttered slowly and it didn´t look like he was showing much understanding for my words. "He destroyed many lives and he has to pay for it."
"He is my brother!", I replied and couldn´t prevent that my voice broke with tension. "No matter what he did, he helped us. Maybe he even saved the life of our child. Do you think I could have got through the winter much longer?"
"Do you think he bought the supplies legally? Open your eyes, Lillian! He is a criminal. A murderer and a thief and even if he is playing the compassionate, he stays a murderer and a thief. He supplied us with food he had stolen from others. Is this your imagination of a caring and loving brother?"
"Stop it!" I was almost screaming at him. "I know what he did. But it doesn´t change that he is my brother and I love him. I don´t let myself be talked into something else by someone who killed his own father!"
Connor´s eyes widened, as well as mine as it became clear to me what I had just said. I covered my mouth with my hands and took a shaking breath, while Connor was standing in front of me as if he was rooted to the spot.
"Connor...I...am so sorry. It...it just slipped out. I didn´t want..."
I approached him and wanted to grab his hand, but he abruptly pulled it away. He was trembling and his breath was coming in short puffs while is expression hardened more and more.
"It seems like there were many things you did not want", he growled. "You are surprising me over and over again, Lillian. Justify yourself and your brother to someone else. Somebody who killed his father is the wrong person to talk to."
With these words he turned away and went to the front door with wide steps.

I winced as the door slammed shut behind him and shortly afterwards, I began to cry at last. But I wasn´t able to move. Trembling and sobbing I stood there, although I just wanted to run after Connor and apologize. Why had I said this? Why had I hurt him so much, even though I had wanted to prevent it? I had made everything worse.
Suddenly my legs felt too weak to carry me and I slowly sank to my knees, wrapped my arms around my torso, as if I could prevent my heart from tearing apart. I had destroyed everything. Everything could have been perfect, we could have been happy, but I had lied and had confronted Connor with one of his worst memories. Out of anger and rashness. I hadn´t wanted to hear what he´d had to say about Ray, although I knew that he was right. The whole time I had been afraid of losing him but in the end I pushed him away myself.
Whimpering I laid my hands on my belly as I felt a light kick in it. Did the baby feel that I was beside myself? Did it even listen to the quarrel? Could it notice what was happening around it anyway?
"I am sorry", I whispered and my tears fell on the backs of my hands. "I am so sorry. I didn´t want this to happen."
For a while I sat there like this, slumped, crying and caressing my belly. I barely noticed how the front door opened until suddenly Maria laid her hands on my shoulders. She talked to me, but at first it was like I would hear her words through a thick wall. I could hardly hear her until my mind cleared reasonably and I raised my eyes to look at her. I saw panic in her eyes.
"Is something wrong with the baby? Are you in labour?", she asked me but I wasn´t able to answer her question.

"He is gone", I croaked. "I finally scared him away."
Maria appeared to be confused at first, but then the panic vanished from her eyes. She saw that I wasn´t sitting here because I had been surprised by sudden contractions.
"So he didn´t take it well?", she asked and I shook my head while I was shaken by another sob.
"We argued about Ray and then I...I told him that I wouldn´t listen to somebody who killed his father. You should have seen him. He was so..."
My voice broke as I was finally seized by hysterical crying. Connor´s face and his words, before he had left, were so clear in my head. I really saw him in front of me and I wished I could take back everything. That I hadn´t behaved so stupid. But it was too late. I had known that trust was one of the most important things for Connor. He didn´t give it to everybody and I of all people had destroyed it and had disappointed him.

"Lillian, you have to calm yourself", Maria said softly and helped me to get on my feet. She had to support me because my legs weren´t able to carry me. I barely noticed how she led me along the hallway and upstairs. Neither how she sat me down on the bed, took off my shoes, laid me down and covered me with the blanket. I kept crying to myself while she was talking to me reassuringly and stroked over my hair. Eventually the door opened and Dr. White entered the room, followed by a pale Caleb.
"I wanted Caleb to bring him here as I thought you were in labour", Maria explained to me, somewhere at the corner of my mind. When I didn´t react, she looked at the doctor and just explained him shortly what had happened. Dr. White left the room and returned with a cup shortly afterwards. Maria helped me to sit up and I was told to drink the content of the cup. That it would calm me. I did it without protest and also didn´t squinch up my face as a spicy and bitter taste lingered on my tongue. Dr. White said something about some herbs and that the beginning of their effect was going to take some time. I didn´t care. I was still crying to myself and I was still crying as Dr. White and Caleb left and only Maria stayed to watch beside my bed.
"Everything will be fine again", she whispered but I couldn´t believe her. I still saw Connor´s face in front of me, as I fell asleep.