I didn´t want to hurt you

When I woke up, I was alone. I didn´t know how long I had slept. A few hours? A whole day? I just knew that I was totally exhausted. My eyes were sore, my head was hurting and my mind was empty. The only thing I could think of was the fight with Connor, my offending words and his angry leaving. To think of it made the pain come up again, but I couldn´t cry anymore. I had no tears left and so I lay silently in the bed and stared motionlessly at a point of light on the wall. I neither moved as the room door opened and Maria appeared in my vision shortly afterwards, a tray in her hands which she put down on the bedside table. She silently sat down on the edge of the bed and looked at me, while I was still staring at the wall. Maria sighed and took a bowl from the tray.
"Come, sit up and eat something", she said softly but I shook my head.
"I´m not hungry." My voice was so hoarse, as if I suffering from a cold. My throat felt like this, too.
"But you have to eat something to keep your strength up", Maria replied insistently. "Think of your child."

These words had an effect. Slowly I sat up and took the bowl with mush. Silently she watched me how I pushed spoon after spoon into my mouth, chewed half-heartedly and swallowed. "What time is it?", I asked between two spoons.
"Midday. You slept for almost a whole day."
"And Connor?" My voice became shaky with this question and Maria looked at me, as if she was expecting another collapse.
"He´s not back yet", she said quietly but added quickly: "Caleb said that he and the other assassins set off to the frontier. It seems like there is a trace to the gang. I´m sure he will be back soon."
The spoon landed with a muffled sound in the half empty bowl. So Connor had set off to search for Ray´s gang, shortly after we had argued about him. A true irony of fate. Would Connor face Ray now more than ever? Just to show me that I was wrong about him? I doubted it, but I hadn´t a good feeling either. Furthermore I doubted Maria´s last sentence, too.
"Why should he come back?", I asked with a dull voice. "I destroyed everything and he is angry with me. If I were him, I wouldn´t come back."
At first Maria stared at me with wide eyes, but then she uttered an irritated snort.
"Oh, stop it. You made a mistake, yes. It´s understandable that Connor is angry. But this is his home. You are his wife and you are expecting his child after all. He loves you and he loves this child. No matter what you did, he has every reason to come back."
She took the bowl out of my hand and glanced into it sighing, before she pushed the cup, that also had been on the tray, into my hand.
"Now drink something and rest. You need it and I will tell you, when Connor returns."

But he didn't. I spent the rest of the day in bed, slept for a few hours once in a while, but as the next morning dawned, Connor still hadn´t returned yet. I couldn´t stay in bed anymore and spent another whole day with walking restlessly through the house and over the manor´s land, always hoping for Connor to come home. But another restless night passed before Cobalt was standing in his box in the morning. But his owner was nowhere to be found. So Connor had returned but he had neither said a word to anybody, nor had he shown up in the house. He even wasn´t in the cellar and so I went down to the homestead and began to search for him there. But nobody had seen him. He really had disappeared off the face of the earth and I had to pull myself together not to break out in desperate tears again. When I returned to the manor, I sat down on the stairs to the front door and buried my face in my hands. By now I had lost every hope for a conversation and reconciliation. Connor had just disappeared without telling anyone and I doubted that he had been needed somewhere in the frontier, like on the day of our wedding. He is finally gone.
A sob found its way through my throat, but I bit my bottom lip to hold it back. If I didn´t, Maria would confine me to the bed again and would give me something to calm me. But for me there was no reason to calm down. I had brought all of this on myself and I had to take the responsibility. Even if it meant this terrible mental pain.

As a shadow appeared over me, I abruptly raised my head and looked into the bearded face of Robert Faulkner. Pity lay in his eyes as he looked down at me and I lowered my eyes again. I didn´t need pity. I neither deserved it.
"Oh, lass", Faulkner murmured and sat down next to me. I straightened my slumped torso and stared straight forward, while Faulkner was scrutinizing me from the side. I didn´t want to sit here like a picture of misery, although I was one. Furthermore I didn´t want anybody to talk to me about Connor. I didn´t want to hear wise advices. But Mr. Faulkner was silent at first and I wasn´t quite sure why he had sat down anyway. As well as I didn´t know how to break the silence. But I didn´t have to.
"How´s the little mite?", Faulkner asked almost in passing but also a bit uncertain. It seemed like he didn´t know what to say, too.
"Fine", was my short answer and from the corner´s of my eyes I saw, how the sailor nodded slowly. Silence again, before Faulkner began to speak again.
"When I met Connor, he appeared like a lost little boy to me", he started to tell me without any connection. "He was totally wet behind his ears and I had never believed that he could become a good sailor. Let alone a captain. But he surprised me because he has a strong will. He knows what he wants and is stubborn enough to stick to his aims. Unshakable like a rock. That´s his strength, but also his weakness." He looked at me. "He´s angry and offended because he thinks that your doings were wrong. He can´t understand why you did it."
"When did he talk to you about it?", I asked.
"Tonight, shortly after his return. He didn´t talk about it exactly. He just told me that you had lied to him and had abused his trust. I just put two and two together."
My heart contracted. I knew that I had done that, but to hear it from somebody else as a report of Connor´s words, was painful. I bit my bottom lip to keep me from crying.
"You know, I don´t want to judge. That´s none of my business. But when I see you sitting here and know how the captain is, then I think that it´s my duty as a friend and as the person who married you off, to give you a push into the right direction." Faulkner patted my arm and when I raised my eyes, he was giving a crooked smile. "Go to him, lass."
"But I don´t know where he is. I was looking for him everywhere."
"Well, I´m sure you haven´t looked everywhere. I had to promise the pighead that I won´t tell anybody where he is, but when I tell you that he is neither running around in the frontier, nor getting plastered in the inn, you will find out on your own where he is hiding."
The old sailor patted my arm again before he stood up, quietly groaning and went to the homestead with unhurried steps. I looked after him silently while thinking about his words. Now I knew where Connor was, but should I really go to him? What should I say to him? And what should I do, if he didn´t want to talk to me at all? But I had to try it. I wanted to try it.

Determined, but also a bit hesitant, I followed the path to the bay. It was deserted. No sailor was here and I could only hear the sea and the seagulls in the sky. The Aquila was silent, too, its deck was empty as I climbed the plank on its side and stopped insecurely. I looked at the door to the captain´s cabin and although I couldn´t know it for sure, I felt that Connor was here. Slowly I approached the door and the sound of my shoes on the deck seemed to be incredibly loud in my ears. Did Connor guess who had just entered the ship? Slowly I raised my hand and knocked hesitantly at the door. No answer. I knocked again, louder this time, but again there was no answer. But I didn´t want to let myself be swayed by it. I closed my eyes shortly and took a deep breath, before I laid my hand on the handle and opened the door.

My heartbeat quickened up as I really saw Connor. He was sitting on the chair behind the desk, leaned back, the legs crossed on the tabletop and staring at his left hand. The hidden blade on it made a regular, scraping sound as he let it snap in and out, over and over again. He didn´t look at me, and had only turned his profile to me. But I could see this tensed expression about his mouth anyway. I closed the door behind me, made two steps into the small room and stopped, looking at him with uncertainty. I almost expected him to react on my presence. That he threw me out maybe. But Connor did nothing. He just sat there and was entirely concentrated on his blade. Was this is way to tell me that I should leave?
"Connor, I...I want to talk to you", I said quietly and began to knead my hands, while Connor still wasn´t showing a reaction. He just ignored me and it almost made me angry. But I held this anger back because now there was no place for hurt pride. I stepped to the desk and propped up my hands on it.
"Please. No matter what I did, I don´t deserve that you´re ignoring me."
It wasn´t a reproach, it was almost a desperate plea. A plea that had an effect. Connor pressed his lips together shortly, before he let the hidden blade snap in for one last time and looked at me. Still wordless but at least he was noticing me now. I tried to smile, but I failed. I could still see the anger and disappointment in Connor´s eyes, even though they weren´t as strong as two days before. But it was enough that they were there.

"I am sorry", I started quietly. "I am sorry that I reproached you for your father´s death. I am sorry that I lied to you. I am sorry that I have hurt and disappointed you." I swallowed heavily as tears rose into my eyes again and lowered my eyes, so that he couldn´t see it. If he thought that I was an actress, he shouldn´t think that I wanted to lull him with my tears.
"Believe it or not, but I have never wanted this. I never wanted to hurt you and I certainly didn´t intend to abuse your trust. But when I started this lie, it was a panic reaction. I didn´t think about it. I just wanted to prevent my brother or you from getting harmed."
Connor uttered a snort but he didn´t say anything, so that I kept talking.
"I know that you can´t understand it. You´re right when you say that Ray has to pay for his crimes. I know that he has to. But no matter what he did, he is and he stays my brother. I tried to hate him for his crimes, but I couldn´t. I grew up with him. He was my only friend and when I thought that he was dead, I mourned him. It tore my heart apart because with him, I had lost another part of my family. But when I finally knew that he´s alive, I couldn´t wish him something bad. I can´t."
When I had ended, Connor looked at me frowning, his lips pinched. I would have liked to know what was going on in his head.

"So that justifies your lie?", he asked slowly and I shook my head.
"I can´t justify that I have lied to you. It was wrong. But I want you to understand how I´m feeling for Ray and why I can´t share the same opinion about him like you do. At least not entirely and if you want to be angry with me because of that..."
"It is not just about that", Connor interrupted me, put his legs off the table and finally turned to me, his elbows propped up on the tabletop. "I understand what you are feeling for your brother. You hope that everything will come to a good end for everyone. But for me the situation with your brother is less important at the moment. For me it is only about your lie."
In his eyes the anger had finally made room for the disappointment and my heart contracted with the sight.
"You practically lied to me every day over the last eight months. You smiled at me, embraced me, kissed me, but always kept up this lie. You are one of the few people I am trusting, Lillian. I thought you were honest to me, like I am honest to you. How can I trust you when I know that you are not?"
He wasn´t able to hide anymore how hurt he really was. His brown eyes were sad as they looked at me. And I? What should I say? I never wanted to lie to him again but to say this now, would sound wrong and forced.
"I don´t know", I whispered and couldn´t stop a single tear from running over my cheek. Connor lowered his eyes.
"I thought so", he murmured and we were silent for a moment. I didn´t know what to think about this situation. If Connor really believed that he couldn´t trust me anymore, the basis of our relationship had broken away with that. After all, Connor had told me once that he needed to trust someone, before he could open himself to this person.
And you have destroyed it. Well done, Lillian.
I gulped. "And what shall we do now?", I asked in a hoarse voice while I ran my hand over my eyes and wiped the rising tears away. Connor just silently shrugged his shoulders and I finally had the feeling that I had lost him. He sat there, kneading his hands, his eyes lowered, the shoulders slumped. Obviously not able to look at me.

"I know that I hurt you", I said quietly. "I can´t make it up again. I can just apologize and say that I´m sorry." I took a shaking breath and looked down at my hands which were still resting on the tabletop. "I can understand, if you can´t trust me anymore and so..."
Shakily I raised the hand on which I was wearing my wedding ring and pulled it off my finger. The metal made a quiet clicking sound as I put the ring on the table and now I couldn´t hold back my tears anymore. I didn´t know when exactly I had made this decision. It was just there. If I had abused Connor´s trust, it was just fair when left. "I don´t want to hurt you again."
Connor had raised his head far enough to stare at the ring in front of him. He reached out his hand for it and began to turn it between his fingers.
"What is that going to be?", he asked disbelievingly and looked at me.
"You said that you don´t know if you can still trust me. I always see your face in front me, when I reproached you because of your father. I will never see you like this again because I love you too much. But that´s exactly why I should leave."
My voice sounded shaky but I was totally convinced of my own words. I didn´t want that Connor was always forced to remember my lies and words when he saw me and because I was to blame for everything, it was just fair when I was the one who left.

Connor just looked at me silently, the ring enclosed by his hand by now and because I took his silence as a confirmation, I squared my shoulders and turned away. I went to the cabin´s door, put the hand on the handle and hesitated. But Connor didn´t react and so I opened the door with a heavy heart and left the cabin. I left the Aquila, followed the path to the manor and finally found myself in the bedroom. An incredible emptiness spread inside of me as I let my gaze roam through the room. I regretted my decision but because Connor hadn´t said anything about it, I was sure that it had been right, even though it was terribly painful. But our promise of marriage hadn´t said "Till death does you part" but it had said "as long as it is your wish". How could Connor wish to live with a woman who had disappointed him as much as I had?

I dragged a chair closer, climbed on it and took the suitcase, with which I had returned to America, from the closet. I wouldn´t pack up much because I didn´t want to stay here for too long. I just hoped that I could stay at Maria´s for now. At least until the baby was born and I could see how to go on. Maybe I could go to Boston. Buy a little house somewhere and...I sobbed and the suitcase fell out of my hands and banged onto the floor as I covered my face with my hands. What had I done? I had turned off my mind, had lied to beloved persons and now I was basically left with nothing. My child was everything I had left and everything I had done, was worse for it than it was for its father.
I was seized by hysterical crying again, like I had been two days ago. The tears ran unstoppably over my cheeks and my sobbing made my whole body tremble. I was helplessly exposed to my feelings, until suddenly two hands were laid on my shoulders. I thought it was Maria, who wanted to care for me again, but as I took my hands from my face, I only saw a broad chest in a white shirt at first. Trembling I raised my eyes and grey ones, red from crying, met brown eyes, in which I saw an expression of conflicting feelings.

"Stop crying", Connor said in a hoarse voice and really shook me slightly. "Whatever you were thinking, it is nonsense. I do not want you to go. I do not want both of you to go."
I sobbed quietly and tried to keep control of my voice. "But I treated you badly. I destroyed everything, especially your trust. How can I expect you to stay with me?"
Connor took a deep breath and shook his head. "That you lied to me hurt me, that is true. But it does not change my feelings for you and it certainly does not mean that I do not want to stay with you anymore." He put a hand on my cheek and wiped a tear away with his thumb. "But I will need time to assimilate everything. I cannot forget all of the sudden and let everything go on as usual. You have to let me have this opportunity."
"So you don´t want to dissolve our marriage?", I asked hoarsely.
Connor shook his head. "You are a fool if you think that."
He grabbed into the pocket of his coat, took out my wedding ring and put it on my finger without hesitation.

Without more words, he pulled me into his arms while my mind still hadn´t assimilated what he had just said. Had he really decided that I should stay with him? After everything that had happened?
Hesitantly, as if I was expecting a rejection, I wrapped my arms around his torso and leaned my head against his chest. I listened to his heartbeat, breathed in this wonderful, manly scent of his and closed my eyes while the last tears were running over my cheeks. We stood there like this for a while, motionless and silent. Only after half an eternity, which appeared too short for me in the end, Connor pulled away from the embrace.
"There are some things I have to do in the frontier and Boston´s surroundings. I do not know how long I will be away, but I think for now it would be good for both of us, if we have some distance from each other. There is much I have to think about, but I promise that I will come back. Alright?"
I nodded because I had nothing to say against it. When he said, that he needed some time, I would give it to him. For me it was only important that I hadn´t lost him and so he could have as much time and space for himself as he wanted...with exceptions.
"But don´t stay away for too long", I said and laid a hand on my belly because there weren´t much weeks left before the birth of our child.
A faint smile appeared on Connor´s lips. "Nothing could make me do that."