"All right, lower the barrier." Kazak leaned against a nearby bulkhead as Tak lowered the barrier that divided Zim from the rest of the shuttle. Morning already as he sampled some human bean juice…just as good as the Vortian stuff whatever it was Dib grabbed. As Zim sat up, Kazak took a sip, looking at the Invader.
"Zim, good, you're awake. No other way to put this so I'm going to come out and say it. This has all been a terrible misunderstanding. You see, Tak and I are here to help you with your mission to conquer this planet."
The activity and removal of the noise-canceling projection saw the diminutive Invader rise. Rise he did, launching himself with great speed at the bars. Leaping eye-level to Kazak, he gripped them with a rattle.
"Release Zi-...wait…wha?"
Tak, taking every ounce of concentration necessary to convincingly go along with this fictitious claim, held up a dataslate for Zim's inspection. "See for yourself. These are orders from Almighty Tallest Red and Purple themselves."
"Gimme!" He snatched the tablet from her, falling back to his feet inside the cell as he eyes rapidly scanned its contents. "LIES! You LIE! You destroyed my beautiful base! Attack Zim! LIIIIE!"
He threw the tablet through the bars at their feet, bouncing off the floor.
"The seal's official. Swear to Irk." Kazak held up a hand for emphasis. "I was previously in deep cover on Vort helping to bring an end to that campaign. And, like we said, it was entirely a misunderstanding. Perhaps we weren't wording things correctly."
Zim was thoroughly unconvinced. Arms crossed, he looked away.
"You destroyed GiR. You destroyed the couch. THE COUCH! LIAR!"
"To be fair, it was GiR that threw me into the couch first."
"That was MiMi." Tak corrected, clearing her throat. "GiR is fine. I fixed it."
A single maroon eye opened towards Tak questioningly.
"See for yourself." She gestured, shoving the statuesque robot across the metal decking with a screech before her.
"Master!"
"GiR!" The Invader rushed to the bars. He suspiciously peered to Tak. "You damaged my base and destroyed my robot slave. You threaten to steal my mission. In what universe is that help? TELL ME!"
"Loyalty test-" Kazak quickly jumped in. "We were both instructed to give you one. Congrats, you passed with flying colors."
"Yes. A loyalty test." Tak concurred, deadpanned. "You are a highly trusted, devout Invader and the finest the Empire has to offer."
She felt physically ill uttering that collection of falsehoods. Zim, on the other hand, positively beamed at his supposed accomplishments. He passed! A test he wasn't even aware he was taking and he passed! Victory for Zim!
"Well, a non-Invader such as yourself could stand to learn a thing or two from the likes of Zim." He smugly commented, standing proud. "Bask in my greatness. BASK IN IT!"
Kazak put a hand on Tak's shoulder. "Well, she's my technician. SpecOps, top level security clearance, can't really give you the details. She fixed up GiR like she said. So…you're welcome."
"I could have fixed GiR. I did not need your help…but if my greatness has been tested and recognized by the Almighty Tallest, so be it."
"Of course not. Your progress has been amicable thus far." Tak facetiously spoke, anything to save her sanity from not choking the life out of Zim. "Do you have a plan to conquer this world?"
"Eh?"
"A plan. To conquer Earth."
"What? Of course I do!" Zim defended.
"...what is it?"
"What is what?"
"The plan!" Tak snapped at him, grinding her teeth.
"...release me and I'll tell you."
Kazak handed Tak a Vortian cigarette and his lighter, it seemed like she needed to take the edge off. Perhaps a subtle signal to let him try to talk this out unless he was being an idiot that necessitated her stepping in. She only looked at the items in confusion before shoving them back into his hands before throwing her own up in frustration before walking away. Unfortunate, but he put the cigarette and lighter aside. Worry about her after.
Then, the man unlocked the impromptu brig and then released Zim from his shackles, tossing them aside as he stood up.
"So, what is your plan?" He asked, making sure Zim didn't forget. "If we're here to help you, we're more useful if we're in the know."
Finally freed of the heavy burden of the chains and bars that contained him, Zim rubbed at his tender wrists.
"He doesn't have a plan!" GiR blurted out, much to the hapless Invader's annoyance.
"Silence, GiR!" Zim growled at the eccentric machine, turning his attention back to Kazak. "If you must know, my genius plan to conquer Earth is…a secret."
"You-" Kazak looked at GiR instead. "So no plan? Just flying by the seat of his pants making it up as he goes along?"
"Yeah-huh. He gets an idea. Schemes. Laughs. Schemes. Laughs some more. We do stuff. Things explode. Lots of screaming…and that's it." The little robot ticked off on its hands excitedly. "I like the explodey part."
Why was he not surprised? This was fitting the description of how Zim seemed to be.
"Fine, carry on, don't let me hold you up." The sniper shrugged and went over to a bag he picked up from the general store, pulling out one a convenience store taquito to munch on. With an idiot like Zim, there might be some chaos but surely no progress in any sort of conquest.
"Wait!" Zim screeched, beckoning after Kazak. "My plan! It's…declassified, yes! No longer secret!"
"Oooh, what is it?" GiR eagerly anticipated.
"What's what?"
"The plan!"
"Uhh…the plan! Yes! The masterful, magnificent, dastardly plan! Zim's plan!" He continued to posture, obviously buying himself time to come up with something on the spot. "My plan…is to poison the Earth's oceans and bring the humans to kneel before Zim! Their precious water, useless!"
"...but the fishies…" His robotic assistant sadly sniffed.
"The fishies are a sacrifice I am willing to make for global domination! All we require…is a battery…from a human vehicle like the one outside. I shall throw it into the ocean! The acid will leak into the water! Victory for Zim!"
Kazak had to stifle the urge to laugh his ass off. One battery in an ocean. He thought it was absolutely fucking hilarious.
"Maybe you should try an auto parts store once you get back to a city, they're bound to have plenty of batteries. Or perhaps a scrap yard with old automobiles."
"Those cost money and we got none!" GiR interjected.
"We do not buy things, GiR. We take! We shall steal them! From every defenseless vehicle, delicious batteries ripe for the taking. They will belong to Zim!" The Invader concluded in his delusion.
"Just try not to get arrested. If you have no money and get caught stealing by the local Internal Affairs humans it will be very hard to break you free from the local system." Kazak played into the charade, taking another bite out of the taquito. "Last thing you want is to be captured, yes?"
"Hah! No inferior, petulant human cage can contain the mighty Zim!" He proclaimed defiantly, fists to his hips and chest out. "...but first, the base requires extensive repairs. GiR! We have much to do."
The robotic minion did not react, illuminated blue eyes staring blankly at Kazak.
"GiR!" Zim barked, more annoyed.
"Well, get going." Kazak gestured towards Zim with his head. Yet, GiR kept staring. Why? Another bite of his food elicited a reaction.
"TAQUITOOOOOO!"
Kazak blinked, taking one more taquito out of the bag for himself and giving the rest to the odd SiR unit who took them and followed Zim out of the shuttle…while…munching on them. That's the first time he's ever seen a SiR unit consume food. Weird. Sense? None was to be made of it. Finishing his one taquito, he grabbed his smokes and headed outside to join Tak, lighting his cigarette and holding out the taquito for her if she wanted it.
"Not your father or anything, but this smoking thing isn't bad. Helps take the edge off."
Tak, leering with contempt as Zim and his disgusting little defective robot proudly marched past, waited until they were out of antenna-shot.
"I'll take your word for it. It smells awful." She commented, looking to Kazak. "Did he continue to tell you absolutely nothing and waste your time or does he have an actual plan that we must pretend to take part in and assist? Preferably something that will not make my brain cells kill themselves."
"No, he intends to throw one whole ass car battery into the ocean to poison the water supply. Nothing he needs our particular help with. If he keeps up with ideas like this…and I do most of the talking, no progress will be made and we'll have minimal direct contact." He paused to take a drag of his cigarette. "I don't particularly like this but I guess it beats having to build him a prison in that ranch house's basement and having to take turns guarding him."
"If we were so lucky." Tak muttered, dragging her palms down her visage in exasperation. "Whatever keeps him occupied and far away from us. The little human boy has been successful thus far in thwarting whatever passes for a plan thus far. That said…this change of plans has thrown a wrench into mine. If I am to remain undetected and without suspicion arising…I will have to continue to attend the learning center as one of their classmates."
"...Yes, that does make for some complications on your end." He gestured towards the property through the trees. "I guess once everything's in order I can spend a lot of time fixing that place up and making it livable. Can't go on for too long, can it?"
His shoulders dropped. Who was he kidding? It'd need to go at least six months if they immediately needed some help. As far as anyone was concerned they were effectively marooned.
"...This is going to suck."
"It already does. More than a black hole." Tak scoffed, gesturing to Zim as GiR was amidst the process of disguising itself. A disguise consisting of a sickly green, poorly-constructed, and obviously-fake dog costume complete with a visible zipper in the front in preparation to depart. "...but…there is a silver lining to all of this…I am still the supposed offspring of an incredibly wealthy meat magnate with complete access to his assets and Zim has a base full of equipment and technology we can appropriate. You have all the time in the universe and a mountain of potential to work with. Make it yours."
Thinking…thinking…idea.
"Meat magnate, huh?" Kazak seemed to smirk. "Perfect front. Some construction funds come out this way, acquisition of some of whatever passes for the local livestock…I guess I can take up animal farming while I'm here. Seems like it could be fun, well, fun in the sense of doing something different and not getting shot at or something."
Tak shook her head in bemusement as GiR deployed its thrusters from the bottom of each foot. Zim, not prepared to depart, scrambled to find purchase on the machine's costume, gripping an ear and screaming as the pair took off with great velocity skyward, destined for "home".
"...I was thinking more in vein of building a proper base of operations and not living out of your ship like an interstellar hobo, but that is certainly possible as well. First order of business is coming up with a layout for the base. I recommend something similar to what Zim employed in keeping most of it subterranean with a surface structure to fool the earthlings."
She paused, reaching behind to her PAK to procure a unique-looking tablet and stylus before handing it to Kazak.
"Here. Standard-issue template designer and constructor for Invaders. Many pre-built modules to arrange but it will fabricate to your will. There is a resource cap short of providing our own raw materials, but enough to have a substantial base of operations that doesn't involve sharing with Zim."
Kazak looked it over. That was certainly something he'd never seen before but he could easily get the hang of. "Hm…using the ranch house as the above ground base and connecting to the other out buildings…I think I can cook something up. Won't be large but I'll make it functional enough for…whatever we need it for."
"I recommend going well beyond what you need. Something tells me in the future you may have roommates. Prepare accordingly."
"Right…" more thinking as he was mapping things out in his head looking at an overlay of the area. "Might need some of those local materials. Need a hangar large enough for our two ships and possibly a Voot, maybe more even." Yes…it was coming together. Wasn't entirely useless in this, his training was helping him in some plotting for construction and defensive measures. All coming together…